Sabrina + The New Archies:
Mama Can't Buy You Love
Cartoons + Castanets presents yet another
bawdy cartoon burlesque featuring
fan art images based on
Archie Comics Characters
starring
Sabrina the Sorceress
Salem the Cat Nero the Dog
Sir Ambrose Nixon
The Abominable Miss Fang
Lyle Jason Blossom
Presenting The New Archies:
Donna Dante . . . vocals, bass
Mal Hypster . . . vocals, drums, percussion
Toby Maxx . . . saxophone
Rikki Ninja . . . vocals, keyboards
Ramsay Khalid Sharma . . . rhythm guitar
Lana Suzuki . . . lead guitar
members of the original Archies
and introducing
Carmen Serna
The Wicked Witch Of New Jersey!
with cameo appearances by celebrities including
Trace Adkins, Justin Bieber, Anderson Cooper, Ron Dante,
Bruce Frey (Professor Bubblegum), Drake Jensen,
Angelo Restivo and "Flo"
Angelo Restivo and "Flo"
in adorable cartoon form
Burlesque written, directed and staged by
DC Hampton Jacobs
for The Pop Culture Cantina
for The Pop Culture Cantina
Part Four:
Saginaw
Saginaw
The Year 2050
New Year’s Day: Separately, current and former members of The New Archies welcome the 2050s. Rikki Ninja and lover Lyle Jason Blossom wind up the holidays at the Swiss chalet where they fell in love. Ninja is helping Lyle feel comfortable expressing female gender identity; just before Christmas, they go on a no-holds-barred shopping spree for women’s clothing items. “I adore Yves Saint-Laurent”, LJB gushes, “but I’d better be careful! I can’t afford such expensive fashions on the stipend I get from Carmen Serna.” “Keep still, mamacita,” his boyfriend scolds, “while I apply this blush to your cheeks.” Unfortunately, Ninja’s makeup tips aren’t very useful: Dude never once used cosmetics before he transitioned to male gender! “I was the butchest little Puerto Rican girl you ever saw,” he laughs. Still, the experimentation is fun for both of them.
Back in the USA, there’s not much fun in Nashville. Mal Hypster is there, visiting his sister Cassidy Hipp and her wife, Pop diva and former New Archie Garcy Briseño. “Chi, you still haven’t opened your Christmas presents!” Cass pouts. "I'm sure they're all very nice," he sighs absent-mindedly. Neither is the mood festive in Cambridge, where Lana Suzuki, her mother Shelly, New Archies chauffeur Hornytoad and Toby Maxx greeted the holidays together. "Toto used to love my tonkatsu nuggets," Mama Shelly laments, "but now, the boy won't eat a single bite!" Actually, nobody eats them; Alzheimer's Disease has dulled Mama's memory to the point where she's botched the recipe and they're inedible! But both Chi and Toto are down in the dumps following their acrimonious split at the end of 2049; lonely and inconsolable, the former lovers have thrown a wet blanket over the yuletide season for their friends and relatives.
POSTER FOR THE MOVIE SAMMY'S
BIG SCORE STARRING DEE
DEE + FUJI
Meanwhile, actors Frankie Fujiyama and Donna Dante have taken a working holiday: New Year’s Day finds them both shooting scenes on location in Saginaw, Michigan. Dee Dee is playing a supporting role in Sammy's Big Score, Frankie Fujiyama’s latest action flick. The two were once a hot item, but it ended badly. When the part was offered, Dee Dee passed on it; but her agent told her it was foolish to turn down a Sammy Kalani detective film. "This could make your career!" he insisted, and she couldn't disagree. "At least we don't have any scenes together," she sighs. Standing atop a giant oil rig, the sexy young actress finishes lines of dialogue that will end with her character dying in an explosion. All her scenes now completed, she lingers to chat with members of the film crew. Suddenly she feels a hand on her shoulder; spinning around, she finds herself face-to-face with the only man she ever loved!
To her shock and dismay, Frankie Fujiyama takes her in his arms for a lingering kiss. It feels strangely cold, and she pushes him away: "Back off, Fuji! You know I don't skank around with married men!" Stepping back, the handsome leading man appraises her curvaceous body; she feels him undressing her with lust-filled eyes! “This isn’t like Fuji”, she thinks. “He was always such a gentleman before! Hollywood certainly has changed him.” "Oh, Dee Dee", he coos. "Please come back! I made a terrible mistake marrying Carmen. I'm going to divorce her and marry you! When I saw your delicious body again, I realized that you're the only woman for me."
"Forget about it, dude," she snaps. "You chose to elope with that Jersey City skeezer, and now you're stuck with her! Besides, I only play supporting roles in the movies. Never in real life!" Fuji starts to sob. "You hate me, don’t you?" Immediately, old suppressed feelings surface: Dee Dee’s heart begins to melt. "Oh, no!" she cries, taking his hand. "I could never hate you!" Suddenly a loud whistle sounds. Dee Dee turns in its direction and says, "That's the signal to get off the rig. They're going to blow this motherfucker sky high! We'll talk more down on the set, Fuji." But when she turns back, Frankie Fujiyama is gone!
"Fuji? Where are you?" she yells, circling the rig platform. "My God, he'll be blown up! I've got to get down below and stop them from setting off that dynamite." She rushes into the empty elevator cab and pulls the gate shut. "This cab can't get to the bottom fast enough for me!" she pants. "Oh, really?" brays a woman's voice with a rasping New Jersey accent. The elevator lurches hard, throwing Dee Dee off her feet. It freezes in place and won't move, no matter how hard she jabs at the down button! Raucous laughter fills the air around her.
"You don't have to worry about Frankie, Donna. He was never on this oil rig! You may have believed you were kissing my husband, but it was just an optical illusion. My parting gift to you! I hope you enjoyed it, bitch!" A sick feeling rises in the pit of Dee Dee's stomach. She recognizes that voice! It's Carmen Serna! "What do you want, Carmen?", she yells. "I want you to die, bitch!" the disembodied voice snaps. "It's true: Frankie does still have feelings for you. But he'll forget your stinking cunt soon enough when you're cold and dead in the grave! Bye bye, sugar!" Dee Dee screams as the elevator goes into free fall, plunging to the bottom of the shaft. "This cab can't get to the bottom fast enough for me, either!" shrieks Carmen. "And if the crash doesn't kill you, the explosion will. Don't bother screaming; nobody can hear you through those soundproof steel walls!"
THE WICKED WITCH OF NEW JERSEY
ATTACKS DEE DEE + SABRINA
But somebody does hear. Miles away in Boston, Nero the Dog awakens from a sound sleep in his basket bed. He bolts upright with his ears standing up! On legs racked with arthritic pain, the aged poodle hobbles through the penthouse apartment he shares with producer Bree Spellman, her wife, Heather Kind and Salem the Cat. With a mighty leap, he springs onto Bree and Heather's bed. "WTF?" Bree blurts. "It's Dee Dee," he whimpers in dog language. "She's in danger! I saw it in a dream, but I know it was real! We've got to go to Saginaw right now!
Traveling faster than the speed of light, Sabrina and Nero arrive at the movie set. At the bottom of an oil rig, they see a crowd of extras and crew crowded around a wrecked elevator cab. "We're too late!" Nero howls. "No, we're not," Bree says. "Get out of my way! Let me pass!" As if on cue, the crowd parts and the regal blonde walks to the elevator shaft. Looking down, she holds out her arms. "Come up to me, Dee Dee!" she shouts.
There’s a sound of grinding metal, and of someone climbing up the shaft. Reaching down, Bree grasps the hand of Donna Dante! "She's alive!" one of the extras yells. "It's a fucking miracle!" "How did she survive?" Nero sputters in dog language. "As soon as you told me about your dream," Bree replies, "I cast a protective spell around her. It was just in time, too; the elevator cab was mere seconds away from crashing!" Dee Dee steps out of the shaft, disheveled but unhurt. "Carmen Serna did this!” she sobs. “That crazy bitch tried to kill me!"
There’s a sound of grinding metal, and of someone climbing up the shaft. Reaching down, Bree grasps the hand of Donna Dante! "She's alive!" one of the extras yells. "It's a fucking miracle!" "How did she survive?" Nero sputters in dog language. "As soon as you told me about your dream," Bree replies, "I cast a protective spell around her. It was just in time, too; the elevator cab was mere seconds away from crashing!" Dee Dee steps out of the shaft, disheveled but unhurt. "Carmen Serna did this!” she sobs. “That crazy bitch tried to kill me!"
"And if at first you don't succeed", a deafeningly loud voice adds, "just try, try again!" From out of nowhere comes the pounding beat of Elton John's classic rocker "The Bitch Is Back!" Screaming and pointing at the sky, the crowd scatters across the film set. Before she can look up, Bree feels a huge, powerful hand grab her by the hair and lift her off the ground! She's lifted up level with the eyes of the gigantic form that has taken her prisoner. Instantly, Bree recognizes those evil black orbs: It is Carmen Serna, grown to ten times her normal size!
"Time to die, you decrepit old witch!" the Jersey City Sorceress rasps. Swinging Bree by the hair, the giant dashes her hard against one of the steel girders of the oil rig! There is a sickening snap and a strangled cry; The Wicked Witch of New Jersey lets go, and Bree's body drops to the ground. It lies there, crumpled and still. "You monster!" Dee Dee screams. "You've murdered her!"
Carmen’s peals of laughter fill the air like thundercracks! "I should have known I'd have to deal with Sabrina first, but I like it better this way," she gloats. "Much better! Now, Donna Dante, I can watch you die! I'm going to crush you to death with my own hands." Before Dee Dee can run, massive fingers close around her; the pressure is terrible!
Carmen’s peals of laughter fill the air like thundercracks! "I should have known I'd have to deal with Sabrina first, but I like it better this way," she gloats. "Much better! Now, Donna Dante, I can watch you die! I'm going to crush you to death with my own hands." Before Dee Dee can run, massive fingers close around her; the pressure is terrible!
As these things are happening, Nero the Dog is slowly creeping away from the scene on stealthy paws! Carmen's giant form is nothing but an optical illusion, and puppy knew it from the start; his excellent sense of smell detects the real Carmen standing a short distance away. As he draws closer, he can actually see the evil sorceress: Normal-sized, head thrown back, laughing maniacally. Nero circles around behind her, and then with a snarl, he springs!
As his teeth close in her left buttock, she screams with fury, and her optical illusion quickly fades. The crazed witch grabs for Nero's throat, but puppy eludes her! Faking her out like a pro, he runs between Carmen's legs, toppling her to the ground; and as she tries to regain her footing, puppy chomps her in the ass a second time! "Gnaw on her, Nero!" Dee Dee screams. "Bite that bitch up!"
But with a lightning fast movement, Carmen grabs the wonder poodle by his collar; he snaps at her and twists furiously, but her grip is like iron! Lifting Nero to eye level, she fixes him with her burning gaze: "Damn dog! Look into the poison eyes of Carmen Serna!" Poor Nero shudders and stiffens! With an evil cackle, the Jersey City sorceress drops his lifeless body to the ground. "Oh, no!" Dee Dee sobs. "Not Nero, too!"
Suddenly, a lightning bolt strikes Carmen Serna full in the face, knocking her back on the ground! A dazed Donna Dante turns to look in the direction it came from. She is shocked to see a huge, disembodied animal head floating in mid-air! "It's Salem!" she gasps. He is the source of the magic lightning! Where has Sabrina’s feline friend been all this time? The answer: Fighting a life-or-death battle of his own!
SALEM THE CAT MEETS CARMEN'S PET,
THE ABOMINABLE MISS FANG
Here’s what happened just minutes earlier back in Boston: As a slightly inebriated Salem the Cat sauntered home from a wild New Year's Eve Party, Carmen’s Hound from Hell ambushed him! Seizing Salem from behind in her viselike jaws, The Abominable Miss Fang tried to snap his spine in two! Twisting free, the brave witch cat stood his ground, casting spell after spell at the onrushing Devil dog. His magic had no effect on her at all!
"Up against the wall, tabby motherfucker!" Miss Fang bellowed in dog language. "Your scrawny black ass is mine!" That's when the hair on Sabrina's pussy stood straight up in the air! "I’m not a tabby, you butthead!,” he hissed. “I’m a tuxedo cat. But if you wanna pop open a can of Whip Ass, let’s do it alley-cat style! Bring it here, bitch!" With an enraged yowl, Salem executed a triple somersault, landed on the demon Rottweiler’s back, and dug in deep with razor-sharp claws. Less than two minutes later, Salem had mauled Miss Fang from snout to tail! Bitch looked like a canine version of Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown: A jigsaw puzzle with lots of pieces missing!
Howling in agony, Miss Fang beat a hasty retreat out of the earthly realm. Salem took a few precious seconds to lick his wounds. “Carmen Serna is behind this sneak attack,” he snarled. “She wanted to be Head Witch so bad! I heard Sabrina's coronation made her go batshit. Now she's lashing out at Bree, trying to kill her friends! There’s bound to be other attacks.” Rousing himself, the bruised and bloodied cat rushed to warn Sabrina! At her penthouse, his sensitive nose picked up her flying broom trail: “She’s gone to Saginaw!” Having arrived on the scene too late to save Bree from Carmen's vengeance, Salem summons up all his witchcraft powers to use against her!
"Give yourself up, Carmen," he demands in cat language (and being a sorceress, she understands every word). "I've just taken your eyesight away! My next zap will make you deaf!" Laughing in triumph, Carmen Serna jumps to her feet. "Fool of a mangy cat! Your magic is too weak to blind me! My eyes are a little blurry, but I can still see you . . . well enough to kill you!" An arrow of flame leaps from her fingertip; Salem dodges it! "Put up or shut up, bitch!" he snaps. "You're fuckin' around with the wrong pussy!" A remarkable magic firestorm fills the air: Lightning bolts flying back and forth, too fast and bright for the naked eye to see!
Salem launches a furious defense and deftly evades Carmen's return fire; however, she is the superior combatant and he realizes it too late! Dee Dee doesn't see Salem get hit, but seconds after the firestorm subsides, she screams at the sight of his poor, charred body lying next to the oil rig. Sabrina's best friend has died a valiant but horrible death!
But Donna Dante’s self-protection instincts have finally kicked in: Just as Carmen turns to face her again, Dee Dee lets fly with a deadly karate kick to her solar plexus! "Lana Suzuki taught me how to defend myself," she yells. "Haa-YAAA! Try some of this, you murdering hoe!" Another kick connects with Carmen's knee, and a third catches her square under the chin. It's powerful enough to break her neck, but babe just stands there and smiles! She isn’t even staggered.
With her wavy black hair resembling a Medusa headdress, the Wicked Witch of New Jersey slowly advances on her longtime rival; her poison eyes overflow with sheer hatred! Remembering how Nero the Dog died, Donna shields her eyes and steels herself for the worst. “Stupid bitch! Did you really think that feeble Bruce Lee imitation of yours could hurt me? As if! Who do you think killed Bruce Lee? As well as his son Brandon? Traveling into the past to merk famous people is hella fun!” Carmen cackles in gleeful anticipation of the next murder she’s about to commit. “There’s nobody left to protect you, Donna Dante. Prepare to die! I promise the end will come quickly; I've wasted enough time on you!"
And you've wasted enough of my time," a regal voice states grimly. "WTF?" Carmen exclaims. "Sabrina? You're still alive?" The Jersey City Sorceress doesn't even have time to turn in Bree's direction; she finds herself frozen in place! And though she can't see it, Carmen can feel the ground drop away beneath her feet. She can sense the presence of a deep, yawning hole! "It's the Seventh Void," she gasps. "No, Sabrina! You can't send me there!"
"What happened to Miss Bad Ass?" Bree wants to know. "Not so bold now, are you, Carmen? Did you forget the punishment for attacking a Head Witch?" Sabrina's emerald eyes smolder and flash as she lies prostrate on her side, glaring at her stricken enemy. No other evidence of her masterful spell is visible! "I mentored you," she intones coldly. "I thought you were something special. You had potential to become a great sorceress, and an even greater singer! When I chose Dee Dee for The New Archies instead of you, I worried that I might’ve made a mistake. I didn't listen to Salem, but he was right about you all along: You're evil! Bad to the bone! And bitch . . . you are going down!"
As she sinks into the Void, the paralyzed sorceress's pitiable screams bring some of the film crew running back. The first to spot her is her estranged husband, actor Frankie Fujiyama; he recoils in horror! "Stop, Sabrina, stop! What are you doing to my wife? Hold on, Carmelita, I'm coming! I'll save you!" "No, Fuji!" Dee Dee screams. "Stay away from her!" But it's too late: Just as Carmen's head sinks below ground level, Fuji dives into the Void! Seconds later, the inky black hole closes over both of them . . . forever. "Bring them back, Bree!" Dee Dee pleads. "There's no coming back from The Seventh Void," the Witch Queen replies quietly. "I'm sorry, but Frankie chose his fate! He wanted to be with her."
Crawling over to where brave little Nero lay, Dee Dee cradles his furry head in her arms. She becomes hysterical: "Nero . . . then Salem . . . and now, Fuji? I can't stand it! I wish I were dead, too!" "You will be dead if we don't get out of here," Sabrina promises, pulling herself up to a sitting position. "Crying won't help anybody. Stop acting melodramatic and pull yourself together!" She yells at the film crew: "Stay back! There's still danger!" Facing Dee Dee again, Bree says: "This oil rig was set to explode, remember? I've delayed the blast as long as I can. Grab hold of my hand, honey, and get ready to travel!" Donna Dante is only able to touch fingertips with Sabrina before a massive blast engulfs them both in smoke and flaming debris!
FOND MEMORIES OF FRIENDS DEPARTED
One week later, Dee Dee is visiting Bree and her wife Heather in their Boston brownstone penthouse. The three women have just returned from a memorial service for Frankie Fujiyama and Carmen Serna. Recovering from an injury to her spine, Bree is confined to a wheelchair. The world knows nothing of Carmen’s murderous attacks: Bree’s magic spells purged the memories of everyone present that day on the location film set! News media reported that a timed prop explosion detonated too soon: Poor Frankie, along with his wife who was visiting him on the set, were blown to bits along with an unidentified cat and dog. Bree was injured; Dee Dee was miraculously unhurt. That’s the official story, but the three women sitting in Bree’s living room know what really happened!
“It’s better this way,” Bree tells Heather. “Carmen’s fans never knew how evil she was, and they never will! She’ll be remembered for the good music she made, not the hatred that twisted her mind. She made the mistake of delving into voodoo and other Dark Arts; a half-human witch cannot control those forces! I know of several instances where it was attempted, and the witch was always driven insane. That’s undoubtedly what happened to Carmen Serna.”
“You say she and Frankie aren’t dead,” Heather notes. “Where have they gone?” “The Seventh Void is a place of severe punishment,” Bree replies. “Carmen and Frankie will devolve into lower animals, completely unintelligent life forms. It’s a form of divine justice: The powerful are made vulnerable! In fact, the two of them will be so vulnerable to predators, it’s doubtful that they’ll survive for long.”
“You say she and Frankie aren’t dead,” Heather notes. “Where have they gone?” “The Seventh Void is a place of severe punishment,” Bree replies. “Carmen and Frankie will devolve into lower animals, completely unintelligent life forms. It’s a form of divine justice: The powerful are made vulnerable! In fact, the two of them will be so vulnerable to predators, it’s doubtful that they’ll survive for long.”
“Poor Fuji,” Dee Dee sobs. “Dry those tears, “ Bree tells her, “because I’ve got something to show you that will put a smile on your face!” Extending her arms in front of her, the sorceress spreads her hands open wide. Above each palm appears a glassy orb; inside are images that move! Dee Dee and Heather are thrilled to hear a familiar bark, as well as contented mewing. “It’s Nero and Salem!”, cries Dee Dee. “They’re alive!”
Sabrina clarifies their status: “Their bodies died, but their life essences are here with me. I was able to capture them before they crossed over to the Other Side. This is something only a Witch Queen can do, and only if the victims have died before their time.” Heather interjects: “Sabrina explained this to me years ago, how life essences can be transferred between bodies. That’s how Salem became a cat!” “But Salem’s human body never died,” Bree reveals. “It’s been preserved in the Sorcerer’s Realm all this time, waiting until the day he atoned for his crimes. Centuries ago, Salem Saberhagen was a wicked warlock, but his wickedness has abated!”
“Oh, Bree,” whispers Dee Dee, “Salem tried to save my life! Isn’t it time to forgive him?” “Yes, indeed, it is,” Sabrina says with a broad smile. “The Universal Coven has now pardoned Salem for his past misdeeds. Congratulations, old friend! By the power vested in me as Witch Queen, I hereby return you to your original form!”
Salem’s orb explodes in a burst of rainbow color, temporarily blinding everyone in the room! When visibility returns, Dee Dee is suddenly aware of a slender, dark-haired man lying naked on the carpeting. “Don’t just stand there gawking,” the embarrassed sorcerer pleads. “Get me some fucking clothes! It will take a few days until my magic powers return to full strength.” “I forgot that a man can blush all over his body,” Bree teases. “Just let us ogle you a few minutes more.”
Salem’s orb explodes in a burst of rainbow color, temporarily blinding everyone in the room! When visibility returns, Dee Dee is suddenly aware of a slender, dark-haired man lying naked on the carpeting. “Don’t just stand there gawking,” the embarrassed sorcerer pleads. “Get me some fucking clothes! It will take a few days until my magic powers return to full strength.” “I forgot that a man can blush all over his body,” Bree teases. “Just let us ogle you a few minutes more.”
“Sabrina!” Salem bawls. The women burst out laughing! Seconds later, Bree conjures up a tank top and cargo shorts for the exasperated former cat. Eagerly, Dee Dee inquires: “Can you do the same thing for Nero?” “Not exactly,” Bree tells her. “Nero’s body was killed; his spirit can’t live in it anymore. For now, puppy will remain with me; but I have big plans for our beloved poodle! He has earned a special gift. Salem’s life as a human being takes up where it left off centuries ago; but when Nero becomes human, and I promise you that he will, his life will begin all over again!” Dee Dee squeals with delight; inside his spirit orb, Nero cavorts joyously.
As this happy scene plays out on the top floor of Sabrina's brownstone, construction workers blast a micro-boom box down on the street. "'The Bitch Is Back!'" one of them laughs. "I can't stop playing that song! It's my favorite Elton John record." Suddenly, a flamboyant woman dressed from head to toe in black lace appears at the corner. The builders break into a chorus of randy wolf whistles; the lady in black pretends to ignore them as she swishes by.
If Bree, Heather and Dee Dee were looking out the window, they’d recognize her as a mysterious mourner they’d seen at the memorial service. Seductively, the lady in black walks to the front steps of Bree's brownstone; then she stops and looks up at the penthouse. For a moment, Carmen Serna lifts the heavy veil that drapes her picture hat and covers her lovely but cruel face. A pair of poisonous black eyes flash murderously! "Revenge is best served cold," she hisses through clenched teeth. "Someday, Sabrina! Someday!"
If Bree, Heather and Dee Dee were looking out the window, they’d recognize her as a mysterious mourner they’d seen at the memorial service. Seductively, the lady in black walks to the front steps of Bree's brownstone; then she stops and looks up at the penthouse. For a moment, Carmen Serna lifts the heavy veil that drapes her picture hat and covers her lovely but cruel face. A pair of poisonous black eyes flash murderously! "Revenge is best served cold," she hisses through clenched teeth. "Someday, Sabrina! Someday!"
CARMEN SERNA RETURNS
Mid-2050
In June of 2050, all but one of the USA’s Top Ten Pop records are ballads; two of them are sung by Garcy Briseño. Since leaving The New Archies in 2042, Garcy has racked up seven Gold and Platinum albums; her records seem to always be on the radio. Witch Queen Studios production assistant Tara Nation Faws goes to Sabrina with a suggestion: “Why don’t we do an all-ballad compilation on The New Archies? The things Garcy recorded with them are still plenty commercial.” Bree gives her the go-ahead to select and sequence sixteen ballads. They're culled from the group’s six studio albums, their TV series soundtrack and years of session outtakes.
Tara’s original plan is to feature Garcy’s lead vocals exclusively, but the superstar’s current record label takes a dim view of that idea. So do The New Archies (especially Donna Dante, who doesn’t hesitate to make her opposition known)! Accordingly, Tara modifies her album concept. When released in July, LIGHT OF DAY is evenly split between performances by Garcy Briseño, Mal Hypster and Rikki Ninja. Known for singing lead on up tempo sides, Dee Dee performs just two of the ballad selections. Working closely with Witch Queen’s chief engineer Yvonne Remy, TNF remixes the sixteen tracks to reflect a more contemporary sound.
“The Magic Circle is back!” Billboard’s album reviewer trumpets, referring to the famous vocal blend of Dee Dee, Garcy and Chi. Tara’s ballad remixes lean toward neo-Goth, but that doesn’t stop old-school “Quiet Storm” radio programmers from putting several in rotation. Gems that get showcased for the first time include melancholy Magic Circle vocals on the Tommy James-penned title track; Ninja’s majestic lead on Petula Clark’s “Just Say Goodbye”; Donna Dante pouring raw emotion into “If We Both Hold On”, a previously unissued cover of an Archies rarity; Garcy’s soulful update of the 1966 Shades of Blue hit “Oh, How Happy”, and her sublime reading of “VIP”, originally done by Detroit Soul diva Scherrie Payne. Quiet Stormers also pay attention to a song from the failed For Pete’s Sake soundtrack album: “If I Ever Get To Saginaw Again!” Mal Hypster’s superb performance of this Country-tinged weeper will become better known than the Monkees’ recording (which is equally fine).
Radio Disney’s “Lambda Lovers” program spotlights “That’s The Boy”, another previously unissued track; it dates from the year 2040. Tara Nation Faws finds two vocal takes in the Witch Queen tape library: One led by Garcy Briseño, and another featuring Mal Hypster. She chooses the latter to remix. “Good choice!” Sabrina nods. “That was the best take. Chi’s singing on the bridge sent chills down my spine; he was just wailing away! The Magic Circle’s backing vocal arrangement was something special, too.”
Back in 2011, The Archies cut a version of “That’s The Boy” with Betty on lead; however, Dee Dee, Chi and Garcy took their cues from the original 1965 recording by Lesley Gore. Written as the lament of a teenage girl in love with a boy who mistreats her, its angst-ridden lyrics work well in a homoerotic context: He gives me hours of sorrow/For every moment of joy/But that's the boy/What can I do about him?* Reflecting on his failed romance with Mal Hypster, a torch-bearing Toby Maxx certainly thinks so! When The New Archies serve as Grand Marshals for Boston’s 2052 Gay Mardi Gras, Chi and a quartet of drag divas will perform the song live. Dropping to one knee for a full-throated finale, dude will rate thunderous applause (and beaucoup attitude from his spandex-clad background singers, who resent being upstaged)!
TARA NATION FAWS LEARNS THAT
MUSIC + METH DON'T MIX
Media buzz about “That’s The Boy” and interest in other selections from LIGHT OF DAY propel the new album into the Top Twenty! On extended hiatus to assess their future in the wake of Donna Dante’s departure, Mal Hypster, Toby Maxx, Rikki Ninja and Lana Suzuki find the album’s reception most encouraging. Tara Nation Faws gets busy planning a follow-up that will concentrate on dance-oriented tracks. Unfortunately, that’s not all she’s busy doing!
In August, she and her street thug boyfriend, Bam Bam Stuydevant, get busted for running a meth lab! Production on her second compilation grinds to a halt. TNF cops a plea deal which keeps her out of prison, but boss lady Sabrina kicks her ass to the curb! "I pay my staff top dollar," she reminds Tara. "Nobody here has to hustle to get by! And as for drug-dealing . . . whoa now! You can't roll with Bree anymore; I rock clean and sober. Hit the road, honey!" Babe never works on another Witch Queen Studios project!
In August, she and her street thug boyfriend, Bam Bam Stuydevant, get busted for running a meth lab! Production on her second compilation grinds to a halt. TNF cops a plea deal which keeps her out of prison, but boss lady Sabrina kicks her ass to the curb! "I pay my staff top dollar," she reminds Tara. "Nobody here has to hustle to get by! And as for drug-dealing . . . whoa now! You can't roll with Bree anymore; I rock clean and sober. Hit the road, honey!" Babe never works on another Witch Queen Studios project!
Republic USA 50-6900
VIP (Bond, Johnson, Perry)*
Alternate Take: Liar! (Russ Ballard)*
Shades Of Gray (Mann, Weil)**
Alternate Take: This Is My Song (Chaplin, Delanoé)***
The Door Into Summer (Douglas, Martin)****
Previously Unreleased: If We Both Hold On (Barry, Wine)*****
Alternate Take: I Don’t Think You Know Me (Goffin, King)****
Alternate Take: Running In And Out (Brown, Gordy)*
I See The Light (Elliot Chiprut)*
Alternate Take: Never Been To Spain (Hoyt Axton)*****
Where Do You Go? (Sonny Bono)***
If I Ever Get To Saginaw Again (Keller, Russell)****
Light Of Day (James, King)******
Previously Unreleased: That’s The Boy (Mann, Weil)*****
Oh, How Happy (Edwin Starr)*
Just Say Goodbye (Clark, Hatch, Delanoé)****
Light Of Day
Ballads + Blues
The New Archies
*Lead Vocals by Garcy Briseño
**Trio Vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster
+ Rikki Ninja
***Lead Vocals by Rikki Ninja
****Lead Vocals by Mal Hypster
*****Lead Vocals by Donna Dante
******Trio Vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster
+ Garcy Briseño
A Witch Queen Production
A Tarnation Falls Mix
Compilation Produced + Remixed by
Tara Nation Faws
Selections originally produced by
Bree Spellman, Nero, Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
Bree Spellman, Nero, Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
Remixed @ Witch Queen Studios, Boston
Remix Engineer: Yvonne Remy
#11 Pop Albums
Late 2050
The movie Sammy’s Big Score is a posthumous box office hit for its star, Frankie Fujiyama. Donna Dante’s acting earns good reviews, enabling her to compete for even better supporting roles. Back in human form, Salem Saberhagen takes a more active role in the administration of Sabrina’s Witch Queen Studios; Bree is frequently away in the Sorcerer’s Realm, performing the duties of a Witch Queen. Mal Hypster returns to the Nashville session work he did as a teenager with his family singing group, The Hypsterz. Chi takes an occasional modeling job on the side, and juggles several boyfriends. Outwardly, he seems content but professionally he’s mighty frustrated! Fashion shoots bore him stiff, and though he digs working with other acts, dude still dreams of becoming a Country music superstar. Sex isn’t fulfilling, either; with Toby Maxx no longer in his life, Chi feels a gnawing void inside.
With his wicked half-sister and estate administrator (supposedly) dead, Lyle Jason Blossom is back in control of his inheritance! (Carmen Serna still has access to Blossom funds, though, via a secret Swiss bank account.) LJB continues his slow but steady journey toward gender transition, with loving encouragement from Rikki Ninja. Toto + Ninja continue to rack up successes as a production team; they branch out from neo-Hip Hop into Jazz and Latin music. The genre expansion will result in a pair of Grammy nominations. "It feels like I'm on top of the world," Toby Maxx laughs. However, just like Mal Hypster, dude is erecting a false front of happiness! He secretly begins drinking again in a vain attempt to suppress his longing for Chi.
He hires Corky Clayton, who first worked with The New Archies on their TV project, to become the new chief engineer at Mad Groovy Studios. Shelly Suzuki’s illness and subsequent Alzheimer’s diagnosis have left him no choice but to replace her. Most of Lana Suzuki’s time is now spent caring for Mama Shelly; sadly, her much-beloved mother grows more confused every day. The day after Corky comes on board, Susu reluctantly makes an announcement: She is quitting The New Archies!
“Mum needs ‘round-the-clock caring-for now,” she explains. “Her memory has gotten very bad in a very short time. I’m not having her sent to a nursing home . . . no way! And I can’t bear the thought of having a stranger look after her. So it’s down to me. I’m not worried about money; I have a quite a bit saved up, so we can live comfortably. But touring with a band is just impossible for me now!”
“You don’t have to tour,” Ninja protests. “We can hire a guitarist to go out on the road with us.” Susu won’t hear of this! Either she performs all the responsibilities of a band member, or she performs none of them. “Please don’t go, Susu!” Toby Maxx insists, tenderly taking her hands in his own. “This is your home, and Mama Shelly’s home, too. If you can’t be in the group anymore, we understand why; but what about taking over the producer’s chair? After all, The New Archies only cut tracks every few months. Sign on as an employee of Toto + Ninja Productions! You can supervise our demo sessions, too, and have plenty of free time.”
“You don’t have to tour,” Ninja protests. “We can hire a guitarist to go out on the road with us.” Susu won’t hear of this! Either she performs all the responsibilities of a band member, or she performs none of them. “Please don’t go, Susu!” Toby Maxx insists, tenderly taking her hands in his own. “This is your home, and Mama Shelly’s home, too. If you can’t be in the group anymore, we understand why; but what about taking over the producer’s chair? After all, The New Archies only cut tracks every few months. Sign on as an employee of Toto + Ninja Productions! You can supervise our demo sessions, too, and have plenty of free time.”
She gasps and starts to object, but Rikki Ninja nods in agreement. “Toto and I are hella busy now, writing and arranging Hip-Hop songs. We’ve actually talked about stepping back and becoming executive producers. As The New Archies’ music director, you’re the best choice to take our places in the control room; and shame on you for thinking we wouldn’t help out with Mama Shelly! She’s no burden; we love her dearly. We can’t stand the thought of either one of you leaving us.” Right hand man Hornytoad chimes in: “Damn straight, Susu! At the Mad Groovy Pad, we’re all one big family.”
Susu barely has time to accept the new job offer before bursting into tears, but her sobbing is barely audible. Babe finds herself buried deep in the center of a fierce group hug! Ninja sends word to Mal Hypster in Nashville (he and Toto still aren’t on speaking terms), who heartily approves of the decision. “Tell Mama Shelly I miss her much,” Chi requests, “and Susu, too! I’ll see them both again next year." Ninja nods: "When we cut our new album in the summer, Susu will produce us for the first time." So Lana Suzuki ends up not quitting the band after all; but like Brian Wilson, who stopped touring at the height of The Beach Boys’ popularity, she’ll take a strictly behind-the-scenes role from this point on.
Nero returns! Baby daddy drama (mama drama, too)!
Lana Suzuki takes over! Solo albums,
a new sound for The New Archies,
and the wildest concert tour ever!
The frantic 2050s continue in Part Five of
"Mama Can't Buy You Love!"
*Excerpt from "That's The Boy", music by Barry Mann,
lyrics by Cynthia Weil. © Copyright 1965 Screen Gems-
EMI Music (BMI).
Lana Suzuki takes over! Solo albums,
a new sound for The New Archies,
and the wildest concert tour ever!
The frantic 2050s continue in Part Five of
"Mama Can't Buy You Love!"
*Excerpt from "That's The Boy", music by Barry Mann,
lyrics by Cynthia Weil. © Copyright 1965 Screen Gems-
EMI Music (BMI).