SABRINA THE SORCERESS:
WORLD WAR I! THEY CALLED IT “THE GREAT WAR”. EUROPE WAS HURLED INTO A MAELSTROM OF BOMBING AND BLOODLETTING! BUT ON THE FRENCH RIVIERA, A GLITTERING SHOW PALACE SERVED AS A REFUGE FOR THE LEISURE CLASSES. THERE THEY DROWNED FEARS ABOUT THE WAR WITH COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF FOOD, DRINK, DANCING, NOVELTY ENTERTAINMENT AND DISPLAYS OF BARE FLESH - BOTH FEMALE AND MALE! AGAINST THIS CONTRASTING BACKDROP OF CARNAGE AND REVELRY, A GREAT ROMANCE IS NEARING ITS TRAGIC END . . .
THE BIG HURT
A SEQUEL TO “THE FREAKING OUT
OF GERALDINE GRUNDY”
CONCLUSION:
“LA MORT ROUGE”
THE TIME: OCTOBER 1917
THE PLACE: CÔTE D’AZUR, FRANCE
THE NARRATOR: EL NINJA
ALTHOUGH BORN IN MÜNICH, TOBY MAXX DID NOT AGREE WITH HIS NATIVE COUNTRY’S DECISION TO WAGE WAR. HE FELT THAT AN ALLIED VICTORY WAS IN EUROPE’S BEST INTEREST, AND SO DID NOT OPPOSE BEING CONSCRIPTED. MY QUERIDO WAS PROMPTLY SHIPPED OFF TO BELGIUM, WHERE THE BATTLE WAS @ ITS VERY DEADLIEST!
SO WE HAD TO OPEN OUR CLUB WITHOUT GEMINI, ITS STAR ATTRACTION; BUT THAT WAS SECONDARY IN MY MIND. MY TOBY, MI TESORO, WAS IN DANGER . . . ¡AY, DIÓS MÍO! I FEARED WELCOMING HIM HOME IN A PINE BOX! JOY FILLED MY HEART WHENEVER GARCY TOLD US ABOUT RECEIVING ONE OF HIS LETTERS FROM THE FRONT; INVARIABLY, IT WOULD INCLUDE AN INQUIRY ABOUT ME.
IN THE MEANTIME, LIFE HAD TO GO ON. I WED CLEO, AND SHE SOON HAD TO FOREGO PERFORMING; SHE BECAME PREGNANT WITH OUR CHILD. GARCY STEPPED IN TO REPLACE HER. DANTE STRUCK AN AGREEMENT WITH HORNYTOAD TO SHARE OWNERSHIP OF CABARET ISABELLE, AND MONSIEUR BROUGHT MOST OF HIS ACTS OVER FROM SPAIN. RAM SHARMA CREATED A NEW VERSION OF SHARMANTE, SANS DONNA AND HIMSELF, TO ACCOMPANY ME IN A NEW SOLO SHOW. FOR MY GUITARIST, I HIRED MY OLD FRIEND CÓRTEZ QUINTANILLA. THE MAESTRO WASN'T CHEAP, BUT HIS FINE MUSICIANSHIP WAS WELL WORTH WHAT I PAID HIM!
I DON’T WANT TO BOAST, BUT I PERFORMED THE BEST I EVER HAD @ CABARET ISABELLE. HOW COULD I NOT? RAM SHARMA REHEARSED ME UNTIL MY FEET BLED AND MY THROAT WAS RAW! AND IN ADDITION TO HIS COACHING I HAD GREAT NEW MATERIAL TO PERFORM: “MUJER EN EL ESPEJO (GINNY IN THE MIRROR)”, “CONQUISTADOR (CONQUER)”, AN ITALIAN NUMBER CALLED “LASCIAMI (WALK AWAY)” AND “EXTRAÑO A ISABELA (SISTER ISABELLE)”. THE LATTER WAS A FANTASTIC THEME SONG COMPOSED ESPECIALLY FOR OUR CLUB LAUNCH.
RAM + DONNA WROTE THESE SONGS AS DUETS, BUT WE ADAPTED THEM AS SOLO NUMBERS FOR ME. AS FOR DONNA DANTE, HER SINGING CAREER TOOK FLIGHT @ MY CLUB. SHE GOT STANDING OVATIONS PERFORMING HER OWN FRENCH COMPOSITION “FAUSSES PROMESSES (BROKEN PROMISES)”. IT BECAME THE HIT BALLAD OF THE SUMMER OF 1918!
OUR REVISED SHOW MADE THE OPENING OF CABARET ISABELLE A SMASHING SUCCESS. GOING FORWARD, WE WERE ONE OF THE TOP CÔTE D’AZUR ATTRACTIONS; BUT RAM, DANTE, GARCY, DONNA, HORNYTOAD + I ALL KNEW THAT THE PRESENCE OF TOBY MAXX WOULD’VE MADE IT EVEN MORE SUCCESSFUL. I MISSED HIM SO VERY MUCH!
THE LAUNCH OF CABARET ISABELLE.
WE ALMOST LOST TOBY IN THE FALL OF 2018. WORD CAME THAT HE’D BEEN SERIOUSLY WOUNDED BY SHRAPNEL, AND HAD A 50/50 CHANCE OF SURVIVAL! AS DEVASTATING AS THAT NEWS WAS, I ALSO AGONIZED OVER MY WIFE’S HEALTH: AS AN OLDER WOMAN, SHE HAD COMPLICATIONS DURING THE LAST MONTHS OF HER PREGNANCY. IT WAS A VERY STRESSFUL TIME!
DANTE PERFORMED SHAMAN RITUALS THAT STRENGTHENED LOVED ONES IN TIMES OF ADVERSITY, AND THEY HAD THE DESIRED EFFECT: CLEO PULLED THROUGH AND GAVE BIRTH TO A DAZZLINGLY BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL! WE NAMED HER DONNA MARIE. DONNA DANTE AND RAM SHARMA WERE HER PROUD GODPARENTS.
THE DAY OF HER CHRISTENING WAS A JOYFUL ONE, MADE EVEN MORE SO BY NEWS THAT TOBY HAD RECOVERED FROM HIS INJURIES. HE WAS BEING HONORABLY DISCHARGED BY THE FRENCH MILITARY. TOTO WAS COMING HOME!
DANTE, RAM + I MET HIS BOAT WHEN IT DOCKED IN NICE @ PORT LYMPIA. OF COURSE, GARCY WAS THERE, TOO, AND SHE RAN TO EMBRACE HIM AS HE CAME DOWN THE GANGPLANK. TOBY WAS THE PICTURE OF FRENCH MILITARY STRENGTH STANDING THERE IN HIS UNIFORM, WITH MEDALS HANGING PROMINENTLY; BUT HIS GAUNT FRAME AND HAGGARD EYES REVEALED THE WEAKNESS LEFT BY HIS MEDICAL ORDEAL. NO DOUBT THE TRAUMA OF COMBAT HAD ALTERED HIS PSYCHE, TOO. WAS ANYTHING LEFT OF THE MAN I LOVED?
I STOOD BEHIND MI AMADO ON THE DOCK AND WAITED FOR HIM TO TURN TOWARD ME. WHEN HE DID, HIS BLUE EYES LOOKED DIRECTLY INTO MINE. ¡GRACIAS A DIÓS! THERE WAS STILL THAT FIRE THAT I KNEW SO WELL! AND THEN HE SMILED, AND MY HEART SKIPPED A BEAT AS ALWAYS. WE DARED A BRIEF KISS ON THE LIPS AND HELD EACH OTHER, OH, SO VERY TIGHTLY!
AS WE MOTORED BACK TO THE CLUB, TOBY RECLINED IN THE BACKSEAT OF HORNYTOAD’S ROADSTER. GARCY BRISEÑO AND I SAT ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM. THE MOTOR WAS LOUD, SO I DIDN’T HEAR HIS MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TO HER; BUT NOTHING COULD HAVE DROWNED OUT GARCY'S SQUEAL OF DELIGHT! EVERYBODY HEARD IT, AND DANTE WHO WAS SITTING IN THE PASSENGER SEAT FELT IT. OVERCOME WITH EMOTION, GARCY LEANED FORWARD AND THREW HER ARMS AROUND HIS NECK. ¡COÑO! SHE DAMN NEAR SQUEEZED MY LITTLE BROTHER SENSELESS!
LITTLE DID GARCY SUSPECT WHAT HER BETROTHED HAD ON HIS MIND IN ADDITION TO WEDDING PLANS: TURNING TO ME AS SHE SOBBED TEARS OF GRATITUDE, TOBY WHISPERED IN MY EAR HOW VERY BADLY HE WANTED TO MAKE LOVE. CERTAINLY NO MORE THAN I DID! THE TWO OF US SUFFERED SILENTLY UNTIL WE COULD BE ALONE.
IT FINALLY HAPPENED TWO DAYS LATER. MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME, WE WORSHIPED, POSSESSED AND PLEASED EACH OTHER’S BODY FROM HEAD TO TOE! MADRECITA MÍA . . . OUR CLIMAXES WERE SO EARTH-SHATTERING, I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE OF SHEER ECSTASY! AFTERWARDS, WE LAY SWEATY IN EACH OTHER’S ARMS, SPENT AND CONTENT. “BUENO,” TOBY ASKED, NUZZLING MY NECK, “WHEN DO WE COUPLE ON STAGE AGAIN? I AM CRAVING TO DANCE WITH YOU!”
TOTO + NINJA DANCE A TRIBUTE
TO THE LOVE OF GYPSY WOMEN.
WE ALL FEARED THAT HIS BODY WAS TOO WEAK FOR SUCH STRENUOUS ACTIVITY. HIS DOCTOR ADVISED AGAINST IT; BUT TOBY WAS ADAMANT! “I KNOW THAT I CAN NO LONGER PURSUE DANCE AS A CAREER,” HE GRUDGINGLY ADMITTED, “BUT I MUST DANCE AGAIN ONE MORE TIME. CABARET ISABELLE WAS MEANT AS A SHOWCASE FOR THE GEMINI DANCE TEAM AND WE HAVE YET TO BE SEEN ON ITS STAGE! NINJA AND I MUST FULFILL THAT PROMISE.”
GINGERLY, I BEGAN REHEARSING WITH HIM. WE STARTED WITH LESS TAXING ROUTINES AND THEN TRIED FOR MORE. TOBY SEEMED TO GET STRONGER THE MORE WE REHEARSED! SOON, IT BECAME APPARENT THAT WE COULD PRESENT OUR LONG-DELAYED DÉBUT ALMOST EXACTLY AS IT WAS ORIGINALLY CONCEIVED! AND THE FIRST AND ONLY PERFORMANCE OF GEMINI SUR LA CÔTE D'AZUR HAD TO BE A VERY SPECIAL OCCASION.
WE DECIDED TO THROW A COSTUME BALL GALA ON THE EVENING OF WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1918. PATRONS WOULD COME DRESSED AS STORYBOOK CHARACTERS AND FANTASY FIGURES! THERE’D BE LAVISH DECORATIONS, ELABORATE STAGING, A BIG BAND IMPORTED FROM PARIS AND FOOD PREPARED BY SOME OF THE BEST CHEFS IN FRANCE.
ON THE NIGHT OF THE EVENT, ONE OF THE GUESTS CAUSED A STIR IN THE CROWD. HE WAS DRESSED IN CRIMSON RED WITH A GHASTLY SKULL MASK, AND HE SEEMED TO CAST AN AIR OF GENUINE MENACE! TOBY SAW HIM FROM BACKSTAGE AND REMARKED ON HIS STRANGE APPEARANCE. I SAW HIM SHUDDER!
“¿AY, QUÉ TE PASA, MI TÍO?” I ASKED, PLAYFULLY SLAPPING HIS NALGAS. “ARE YOU AFRAID THAT LA MORT ROUGE WILL UPSTAGE US? MEPHISTO HIMSELF COULDN'T ACCOMPLISH SUCH A FEAT. NOT TONIGHT! YOU WILL BE MAGNIFICO, CARIÑO, AND SO WILL I!”
SURE ENOUGH, OUR PERFORMANCE HELD THE CROWD SPELLBOUND. WE DID RADICALLY RE-IMAGINED VERSIONS OF TRADITIONAL CHEROKEE, GERMAN AND JAPANESE DANCES. OUR ROUTINES WERE PERFORMED TO THE MUSIC OF FOUR FABULOUS NEW SONGS: “ALZATI IN ALTO (STAND UP)”, “ESTOY TAN FELÍZ (OH, HOW HAPPY)”, “FUGITIVA (RUNAWAY)”, AND A GRAND FINALE SUNG IN ENGLISH, “THE MUSIC PLAYS ON”. WE REPEATED THE CHORUS OVER AND OVER UNTIL THE AUDIENCE WAS DELIRIOUS WITH EMOTION!
WE WITHDREW TO THE WINGS AMID THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE AND THEN, JUST BEFORE THE ENCORE, OUR CÔTE D’AZUR DIVA DONNA DANTE TOOK THE STAGE. THE WOMAN DAMN NEAR UPSTAGED US SINGING A SHOW-STOPPING RENDITION OF HER SIGNATURE TUNE, “BROKEN PROMISES”. THERE WASN’T A DRY EYE IN THE PLACE! THEN WE RETURNED TO THE STAGE FOR OUR LAST SONG TOGETHER. IT WAS CALLED “ME DESINTEGRO (I GO TO PIECES)”, WITH LYRICS THAT CAPTURED THE GENUINE DISTRESS TOBY + I FELT WHEN WE WERE APART.
THE SHOW LASTED FOR NEARLY TWO HOURS, BUT IT WAS OVER MUCH TOO SOON. I EMBRACED TOBY WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE! TO RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE AND GARLANDS OF FLOWERS FLUNG @ OUR FEET, GEMINI TOOK ITS FINAL BOWS. UNEXPECTEDLY, HORNYTOAD RAN OUT ON STAGE.
“I HAVE AN URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT, MES AMIS,” HE BOOMED. “ARMISTICE HAS BEEN CALLED! THE GREAT WAR IS OVER!” THE CROWD ERUPTED IN WILD, EXULTANT CHEERING THE LIKES OF WHICH I’D NEVER HEARD BEFORE!
THAT DEAFENING ROAR WAS RINGING IN MY EARS AS I SUDDENLY FELT A SHARP, BURNING PAIN IN MY CHEST. CONFUSED, I LOOKED AROUND ME BUT COULDN’T MAKE OUT ANYTHING! I SEEMED TO BE BLINDED BY A CURTAIN OF CRIMSON RED. THEN I SAW ARMS REACHING OUT FOR ME. WERE THEY TOBY’S ARMS? CLEO’S ARMS? THOSE OF MY BROTHER DANTE?
NO . . . THEY WERE HERS! MY FIRST LOVE . . . MY SWEET GUARDIAN ANGEL. I CRIED OUT “ISABELLE!” AND COLLAPSED TO THE FLOOR.
THE DEATH OF EL NINJA!
EPILOGUE:
SABRINA THE SORCERESS
EL NINJA WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE THAT NOVEMBER DAY! THE STILETTO THAT LODGED IN HIS HEART WAS MEANT FOR TOBY MAXWELL. THE KILLER BLAMED TOTO FOR SABOTAGING HER MUSIC CAREER; BUT THIS WAS ONE OF THE FEW TIMES THAT LA CUCHILLA’S AIM WAS LESS THAN TRUE. YES, SHE WAS THE ONE WHO ATTENDED CABARET ISABELLE’S COSTUME BALL DRESSED AS LA MORT ROUGE (THE RED DEATH)!
REALIZING HER MISTAKE, CARMEN SERNA FLED IN PANIC FROM THE SCENE OF HER CRIME. INTO THE WINGS OF THE CABARET SHE RAN, DASHING HERE AND THERE, LOOKING FOR THE WAY OUT! THEN SHE OPENED A DOOR TO THE ROOM WHERE THE IMPRESARIO HORNYTOAD KEPT HIS PERFORMING BEAR, NEGROSO.
THE NORMALLY DOCILE BEAST SUDDENLY WENT WILD, ATTACKING AND MAULING HER! CARMEN'S PITIFUL SCREAMS ECHOED THROUGH THE NIGHTCLUB, CHILLING THE BLOOD OF ALL WHO HEARD THEM! BOTH HER LIFE AND THAT OF RITCHIE “EL NINJA” FONSECA WOULD SURELY HAVE ENDED THAT DAY . . . HAD I NOT INTERVENED.
UNDER MY POWER, “EL NINJA”, “LA CUCHILLA”, “TOTO”, “DANTE”, “CLEO”, “SHARMANTE”, “HORNYTOAD” AND ALL OF THEIR ASSOCIATES WILL RETURN TO HONOLULU IN THE YEAR 2029 AND RESUME THEIR TRUE IDENTITIES. REGGIE MANTLE (NINJA) WILL HAVE NO MEMORY OF BEING STABBED! HIS WIFE OLGUITA (NINJA’S WIFE CLEO) AND KEVIN KELLER (TOTO) WILL DISCOVER HIM LYING NAKED AND BARELY CONSCIOUS ON WAIMANALO BEACH, VICTIM OF A SUPPOSED NEAR-DROWNING INCIDENT.
VINTAGE 78 RPM RECORDINGS BY TOTO + NINJA.
WHAT HAPPENED TO REGGIE IS NOT A DREAM. HE ACTUALLY DID LIVE FOR SEVERAL YEARS IN THE EARLY 20th CENTURY, 50 YEARS BEFORE HE WAS BORN. WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE, REGGIE AND MEMBERS OF THE ARCHIES WERE HURLED BACK TO THE PROGRESSIVE ERA. THERE THEY ASSUMED THE IDENTITIES OF THE NEW ARCHIES, A SEXTET THAT WILL FORM IN THE YEAR 2037 AS THEIR SUCCESSOR GROUP.
SIMULTANEOUSLY, MEMBERS OF THE NEW ARCHIES WERE SENT FROM THE YEAR 2039 BACK TO THE 1960s, WHERE THEY ASSUMED THE IDENTITIES OF THEIR PREDECESSORS - THE ARCHIES! THIS BIZARRE GAME OF TURNABOUT ALSO INCLUDED CLOSE FRIENDS OF BOTH BANDS, INCLUDING ME!
THE TIME INVERSION WON’T BE ACCIDENTAL. IT WILL BE ENGINEERED BY AN INSANE VOODOO PRIESTESS, PART OF HER WILD SCHEME TO MURDER ME AND MY MUSICAL PROTÉGÉS. ESSENTIALLY, SHE FORCES THE ARCHIES TO SWITCH IDENTITIES WITH THE NEW ARCHIES, BRAINWASHES THEM INTO ADOPTING THEIR NEW ROLES, AND THEN DISPATCHES THEM TO SEPARATE TIME PERIODS. THIS DEADLY PLOT PLAYS OUT OVER FIVE CHRONOLOGICAL YEARS, BUT IT ULTIMATELY FAILS.
THE NEW ARCHIES + ME WERE THE REAL TARGETS OF THIS EVIL WOMAN. THE ARCHIES WERE BUT MERE CASUALTIES; BUT THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE LOSS OF FAWN “BIG ETHEL” MASON ANY EASIER TO COPE WITH. IN THE 1910s, ETHEL WAS SISTER ISABELLE, INDIAN SCHOOL TEACHER AND BENEFACTOR TO RITCHIE “EL NINJA” FONSECA. I WAS UNABLE TO SAVE HER; IT TOOK TOO LONG FOR ME TO SHAKE OFF THE BRAINWASHING EFFECTS OF THE VOODOO SPELL.
FORTUNATELY, I RECLAIMED MY MEMORY IN TIME TO SAVE REGGIE/EL NINJA FROM IMMINENT DEMISE. I ALSO SAVED SOUND ENGINEER BELLA BEAZLEY FROM DEATH BY MAULING; SHE ASSUMED THE ROLE OF CARMEN SERNA, PROSTITUTE AND STILETTO KILLER! AS CAN HAPPEN, TIME TRAVEL BRINGS LATENT PERSONALITY TRAITS TO THE SURFACE. IN JUGHEAD’S CASE, A CRUEL STREAK MANIFESTED; IN BELLA’S CASE, HOMICIDAL TENDENCIES!
I RE-SUBMERGED THOSE TRAITS AND WIPED THEIR MEMORIES CLEAN: JUGGY WON’T REMEMBER FATHER FRANKLIN’S TRANSGRESSIONS @ THE ANADARKO INDIAN SCHOOL, AND BELLA WON’T RECALL CARMEN KNIFING THE GYPSY WITCH THAT SHE PAID TO HEX EL NINJA! ACTUALLY, BELLA DID NOT COMMIT THAT CRIME: BETHEL THE GYPSY WAS ME IN DISGUISE, AND HER KILLING WAS AN ILLUSION GENERATED BY MY SORCERY.
IN THE 1960S, I HAD BEEN MADE TO BELIEVE I WAS GERALDINE GRUNDY; DEANIE AND I WERE INTENDED TO SWITCH PLACES. IN THE 1910s, SHE WAS MEANT TO ASSUME THE IDENTITY OF BETHEL LESLIE - ACTUALLY, MY TWO MIDDLE NAMES - AND SHE SURELY WOULD HAVE BEEN MURDERED IF SHE HAD. I CREATED A DIFFERENT IDENTITY FOR HER: AS “MAMA SHELLY” MS. GRUNDY WAS SAFE FROM HARM - ALTHOUGH MAMA’S LAX MORALS WOULD NEVER HAVE MET WITH HER APPROVAL! THE WHITE-ROBED IMAGE OF SISTER ISABELLE THAT PERIODICALLY APPEARED TO EL NINJA WAS ALSO MY CREATION.
AS SOON AS I BROKE FREE OF THE VOODOO SPELL AND SAW THE NEW ARCHIES SAFELY BACK TO THEIR PROPER TIME PERIOD, I TRACED THE ARCHIES TO WHERE THEY’D BEEN DEPOSITED IN THE EARLY 20TH CENTURY. ONCE THERE, I TOOK CONTROL OF THE TOTO + NINJA NARRATIVE; BUT I HAD TO LET IT PLAY OUT ALMOST TO THE END. FORCING OPEN TIME PORTALS EITHER TOO SOON OR TOO LATE CAN RESULT IN CATASTROPHE! AND OUR TRIP BACK TO THE EARLY 21ST CENTURY HAD PERILS OF ITS OWN.
THE SAFEST TIME TO INITIATE TIME TRAVEL IS @ A POINT OF GREAT EMOTIONAL RELEASE! THE MOMENT OF CLIMAX DURING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE IS A VERY RELIABLE INITIATION POINT, SO I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF TOTO + NINJA’S COUPLING. ON THE DAY RITCHIE FONSECA WAS STABBED, HE AND TOBIAS MAXWELL MADE LOVE FOR THE LAST TIME. THEY ACHIEVED A TREMENDOUS CLIMAX TOGETHER, BUT @ THAT MOMENT, THE CHRONAL CURRENTS WERE MUCH TOO TURBULENT TO RISK. I HAD TO WAIT UNTIL I HAD ONLY SECONDS TO SPARE!
JUST AS LA CUCHILLA’S BLADE LODGED IN EL NINJA’S HEART, I REVERSED TIME BACK SEVERAL HOURS, TO THE VERY END OF THAT SEXUAL ENCOUNTER. THIS IS THE MOST DIFFICULT KIND OF SORCERY, AND IT NEARLY TAXED MY POWERS TO THEIR LIMIT; BUT @ THE EXACT INSTANT THEIR DOUBLE EJACULATION OCCURRED, I BLASTED THE PORTAL WIDE OPEN!
TOTO + NINJA (REGGIE + KEVIN) THE SHARMANTE QUARTET (ARCHIE, BETTY, VERONICA + KEVIN’S HUSBAND CLAY), HORNYTOAD (MUSIC DIRECTOR KEVIN BOYLE), MAMA SHELLY (GERALDINE GRUNDY), DANTE FONSECA (DILTON DOILEY BRISEÑO), LA CUCHILLA (BELLA BEAZLEY), FATHER FRANKLIN (JUGHEAD) AND CÓRTEZ QUINTANILLA (ROD MACK) ALL PLUNGED BACK INTO THE SAME SWIRLING SEA OF TIME THAT HAD SWEPT THEM INTO THE PAST. IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, THEY WERE RESTORED TO THEIR PROPER TIME PERIOD AND TRUE IDENTITIES!
BACK THROUGH THE TIME PORTAL!
SADLY, UPON THEIR RETURN TO THE HONOLULU OF EARLY 2029, TRAGIC NEWS AWAITS THE ARCHIES: THEY’LL LEARN OF BIG ETHEL’S DEATH FROM CANCER. ONLY WEEKS EARLIER, SHE WILL HAVE BEEN IN THE STUDIO WITH THEM, CONTRIBUTING EXCELLENT GOSPEL-TINGED BACKGROUND VOCALS TO THEIR SONG ARCHIVE PROJECT. WHEN A TIME TRAVELER DIES IN THE PAST, IT ERASES THEIR FUTURE EXISTENCE; HOWEVER, I USED MY SORCERY TO PRESERVE THE MEMORY OF FAWN ETHEL MASON'S LONG AND EVENTFUL LIFE IN MUSIC; IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO!
AS BIG ETHEL’S DEMISE DEMONSTRATES, INJURIES SUSTAINED DURING TIME TRAVEL ARE GENUINE. MAGIC CAN ACCELERATE HEALING, BUT IT CAN’T UNDO SERIOUS DAMAGE! BOTH REGGIE MANTLE AND KEVIN KELLER SUFFERED GRAVE WOUNDS, AND THE HEALTH OF BOTH MEN WILL BE AFFECTED GOING FORWARD. THOUGH INJURED BY BATTLE IN BOTH THE IRAQ WAR AND (UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM) WORLD WAR I, KELLY WILL STILL LIVE TO A RIPE OLD AGE!
HOWEVER, CARMEN’S KNIFE BREACHED ONE OF EL NINJA’S HEART CHAMBERS, LEAVING REGGIE WEAKENED. FOLLOWING A DECADE OF CORONARY ISSUES, HE WILL DIE OF HEART FAILURE IN THE YEAR 2042. ALTHOUGH OLGUITA'S PASSING WILL LEAVE HIM A WIDOWER IN 2034, REGGIE WILL ENJOY A FULL LIFE UNTIL THE END. UNDER THE NAME GINO EL HUAPANGERO, HE’LL CONTINUE PURSUING A HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL SOLO CAREER IN MÉXICO; AND AS A SPECIAL GUEST, GINO WILL TAKE PART IN THE ARCHIES’ FAREWELL CONCERT TOUR OF 2032.
SO YOU MAY ASK . . . WHO WAS THE VILLAIN VOODOO PRIESTESS? I FIRST BELIEVED THAT TARA NATION FAWS, A FORMER EMPLOYEE OF MINE WHO DABBLED IN BLACK MAGIC, WAS THE CULPRIT BEHIND THIS MANIACAL SCHEME. HOWEVER, THERE WAS A METHOD TO TARA’S MADNESS THAT POINTED TO HER BEING THE PAWN OF SOMEONE ELSE - SOMEONE FAR MORE DANGEROUS! MY SHAPE-SHIFTING FRIEND SALEM "DA KATT" TOLD ME AS MUCH.
BELLA BEAZLEY SWITCHED PLACES WITH CARMEN SERNA IN THE 1910s. IT NEVER COULD HAVE HAPPENED IF CARMEN WERE DEAD. THIS MEANS THAT MY ARCH-ENEMY IS STILL ALIVE! SOMEHOW, SHE WILL SURVIVE CERTAIN DEATH ATOP MOUNT SINAI IN THE YEAR 2057. HER SUPPOSED DEMISE @ THAT TIME RESULTS FROM ANOTHER DEADLY ATTACK ON THE NEW ARCHIES + ME!
ALL MY EFFORTS ARE NOW FOCUSED ON DETERMINING CARMEN SERNA’S CURRENT WHEREABOUTS; I SWEAR BY THE DESOLATING SACRILEGE THAT I SHALL PUT AN END TO HER HOMICIDAL VENGEANCE CAMPAIGN! AND I SHALL TAKE MY OWN REVENGE FOR THE LOSS OF BIG ETHEL AND REGGIE'S SHORTENED LIFESPAN . . .
FOLLOWING THEIR EXTENDED SOJOURN IN THE 1960s, THE NEW ARCHIES - MALACHI HIPP, DONNA DANTE, GARCY BRISEÑO, RITCHIE “NINJA” FONSECA, TOBIAS “TOTO” MAXWELL, SVETLANA “LANA” SUZUKI, FRANKIE FUJIYAMA AND RAM SHARMA - WILL ENJOY SUCCESSFUL CAREERS, BOTH COLLECTIVELY AND INDIVIDUALLY.
AS FOR THE ARCHIES, THEY’LL WEATHER UPS AND DOWNS DURING THEIR FINAL YEARS AS A ROCK BAND. I WON’T REVEAL THEIR ULTIMATE FATE HERE, BUT I WILL PREDICT GREAT SUCCESS FOR THEIR 2029 MUSIC PROJECT. THEY’LL START RECORDING IT IN HAWAII AND COMPLETE IT TWO YEARS LATER IN COLOMBIA. EVENTUALLY RELEASED AS BOTH A TWO-RECORD SET CALLED 20 ROCK AND A QUADRUPLE-LENGTH VINYL LP (40 ROCK), IT WILL TOP THE INTERNATIONAL CHARTS AND BECOME THEIR MOST CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED ALBUM!
THIS FUTURE ALBUM’S STAR VOCALISTS WILL BE NONE OTHER THAN REGGIE MANTLE AND KEVIN KELLER. FORMING A “TRIAD” RELATIONSHIP WITH KELLY AND HIS HUSBAND CLAYBOURNE WALKER, REGGIE IS DESTINED TO BECOME A HUSBAND TO BOTH MEN. IT’S NO LESS THAN A REALIZATION OF THE ABORTED MÉNAGE À TROIS THAT "TOTO", "EL NINJA" + "RAM SHARMA" HAD ATTEMPTED OVER A CENTURY AGO!
POP CULTURE CANTINA
presents
A MARVELOUS LIE PRODUCTION
THE BIG HURT
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
ARCHIE ANDREWS as MALACHI HIPP
BIG ETHEL as SVETLANA “SISTER ISABELLE”
DILTON DOILEY BRISEÑO as DANTE FONSECA
BETTY COOPER as DONNA DANTE
GERALDINE GRUNDY as MAMA SHELLY
JUGHEAD as FATHER FRANKLIN
KEVIN KELLER as TOBIAS MAXWELL
VERONICA LODGE-ANDREWS as GARCY BRISEÑO
REGGIE MANTLE as RICARDO “EL NINJA” FONSECA
OLGA SAN QUENTÍN as CLEO
CLAYBOURNE WALKER as RAM SHARMA
featuring
KEVIN BOYLE as “HORNYTOAD”
introducing
BELLA BEAZLEY as CARMEN SERNA “LA CUCHILLA”
and starring
SABRINA THE SORCERESS
as BETHEL THE GYPSY
Special guest appearance by
ROD MACK as CÓRTEZ QUINTANILLA
cartoon cameo appearances by
KRISTIN GORRIE and SONSERI KENNEDY
as themselves
DEDICATED TO RON DANTE
ON THE OCCASION OF HIS 78th BIRTHDAY!
CONCEPT + TEXT BY HAMPTON JACOBS
COSTUMES BY HENRIETTA la del BARRIO
ART BY STUFFED ANIMAL
ALL SONGS WRITTEN BY
DEL SHANNON
EXCEPT FOR
“THE BIG HURT” BY WAYNE SHANKLIN
“YOU NEVER TALKED ABOUT ME” + “GINNY IN THE MIRROR”
BY DOC POMUS + MORT SHUMAN
“TELL HER NO” BY ROD ARGENT
“DO YOU WANNA DANCE?” BY BOBBY FREEMAN
“OH, HOW HAPPY” BY EDWIN STARR
"THE BIG HURT" IS A SEQUEL TO POP CULTURE CANTINA'S
2019 MOCK SCREENPLAY
"THE FREAKING OUT OF GERALDINE GRUNDY"
CLICK HERE TO READ THE PRELUDE