STORMY FOSTER RETURNS: Prologue
POP CULTURE CANTINA
presents
A MARVELOUS LIE PRODUCTION
A MOCK SCREENPLAY
in sixteen chapters
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STORMY FOSTER
RETURNS
THE CONCLUSION OF THE
SABRINA-CARMEN SAGA
I began writing STORMY FOSTER RETURNS in 2021 as a sequel to my Gay activist superhero fantasy THE FILE ON STORMY FOSTER - but as I crafted the plot, it took several unexpected turns and became something altogether different. While I wouldn't say it's wrong to think of this new "mock screenplay" as a sequel, it's more accurate to call it something else: The culmination of unrelated storylines that I've been working on for ten years! Imagine my surprise when I realized that those stories actually were not unrelated - all of them were linked, and among those links I could detect a hidden narrative. My challenge was to make those links explicit, excavate that narrative and make the whole thing engaging. You will be the judge of whether or not I succeeded when you read STORMY FOSTER RETURNS.
CONCEPT AND TEXT BY
HAMPTON JACOBS
inspired by the music of
THE WALKER BROTHERS
ILLUSTRATIONS BY
STUFFED ANIMAL
inspired by the artwork of
TRINA ROBBINS
COSTUMES BY
HENRIETTA LA DEL BARRIO
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PROLOGUE:
"DOIN' THE JERK"
THE YEAR 2047
BABY GRAND RECORDING SERVICES
HONOLULU, HAWAII
A witch queen never dies.
"Witch Queen of New Orleans"
Lyrics by Lolly + Pat Vegas
of Redbone, 1971
“THAT’S A TAKE!” KRISTIN GORRIE ANNOUNCES. "STOP THE TAPE." SHE DIRECTS HER ENGINEER TO DO AN INSTANT SOUND MIX. AS A PLAYBACK POURS OUT OF THE STUDIO SPEAKERS, KRIS CLOSES HER EYES AND NODS HER HEAD, ENRAPTURED BY WHAT SHE'S HEARING. “FABULOUS SINGING, DEE DEE." SHE RAVES. "SURE AND I’VE NEVER HEARD ‘DANNY BOY’ SUNG LIKE THAT BEFORE.”
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NEW JACK SWING
THE ARCHIES SING JACKIE WILSON
DONNA DANTE LEANS OVER HER MUSIC STAND AND FLASHES HER DAZZLING SMILE AT THE PRODUCER. “THAT'S MY MISSISSIPPI DELTA WAY OF SINGING IT," SHE EXPLAINS. "A LITTLE BIT OF MY PUNK ROCK SENSIBILITY IS IN THERE, TOO - BUT IF YOU THINK THAT WAS SOMETHING, HONEY, WAIT ALONG. I’M JUST GETTING STARTED! THAT WAS ME WARMING UP TO THE SONG - LET’S DO A FEW MORE TAKES.”
PERCUSSIONIST MAL HYPSTER SNICKERS AS HE LAYS DOWN HIS DRUMSTICKS. “DEE DEE WON’T STOP UNTIL SHE FEELS SHE’S SINGING 'DANNY BOY' EVERY BIT AS GOOD AS JACKIE WILSON DID," CHI PREDICTS. "HE WAS THE FIRST ARTIST TO PUT A GOSPEL FEELING TO THAT IRISH STANDARD, BUT HE COULD SING IT IN THE TRADITIONAL WAY, TOO. THAT MAN HAD A VERSATILE VOCAL TALENT AND AN INCREDIBLE RANGE - I BET JACKIE COULD’VE SUNG OPERA IF HE WANTED TO.”
MUSIC DIRECTOR LANA SUZUKI AGREES, BUT WITH A CAVEAT: “YOU MEAN HE COULD’VE SUNG OPERA IF HE’D BEEN ALLOWED, BACK IN THOSE DAYS OF BLATANT RACIAL SEGREGATION. THE MAN WASN'T JUST A PHENOMENAL VOCALIST, HE WAS A PIP OF A DANCER, TOO. SOME OF HIS HITS ARE TAILORMADE FOR SHAKIN' BOOTY ON STAGE THE WAY WE LIKE TO DO! WE’LL BE ADDING THEM TO OUR LIVE REPERTOIRE VERY SOON. I’M SO CHUFFED TO BE CUTTING A TRIBUTE ALBUM TO JACKIE WILSON - IT’S LONG OVERDUE.”
“YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS LONG OVERDUE?” DRAWLS KEYBOARD PLAYER RIKKI NINJA. “UPDATING THOSE THROWBACK 1940s ARRANGEMENTS THAT SOME OF HIS EARLY HITS HAD. I MEAN, THOSE CHARTS WERE OUT-OF-DATE EVEN AT THE TIME! I NEVER LIKED THEM, SUSU, BUT I'M WARMING UP TO YOUR SUGGESTION THAT WE PRESERVE THAT SWINGTIME FLAVOR. WE’RE JUST GOING TO SWING JACKIE'S MUSIC OUR WAY! TEZ, THAT BARITONE SAX PART SOUNDS A LITTLE BIT OFF TO ME. TEZ? TEZ! ¿ME ESCUCHASTE? EARTH TO SPACE SHUTTLE! DO YOU COPY?”
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CORTÉZ QUINTANILLA
BRASS ARRANGER FOR THE ARCHIES
MOMENTARILY DISTRACTED, THE HANDSOME DOMINICAN SAX PLAYER BLUSHES. “PERDÓNEME, RITCHIE! I WASN'T CONCENTRATING THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE BEEN. YOU KNOW, I GET THE STRANGEST FEELINGS SOMETIMES.” NINJA IS PUZZLED. "¿QUÉ QUIERES DECIR?" HE WANTS TO KNOW. TOSSING BACK HIS WAIST-LENGTH RAVEN HAIR, JAVIER CORTÉZ QUINTANILLA TRIES TO EXPLAIN: “IT’S LIKE . . . MAYBE I DON’T BELONG IN THIS PLACE? NO, THAT’S NOT IT. MORE LIKE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE! OR MAYBE SOMEBODY ELSE? ¡COÑO! I’M GETTING MY SHIT ALL MIXED UP. LO SIENTO MUCHO . . . I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT I MEAN TO SAY.”
THIS ADMISSION BRINGS A HEARTY GUFFAW FROM HIS PUERTO RICAN BANDMATE. “THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR DRINKING COQUÍ THIS FAR OUT FROM THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS,” NINJA SCOLDS. “FOCUS, AMIGO!” SUSU NODS. “WE WANT TO RECAPTURE SOME OF THE SOUL MAGIC THAT THE OLD-SCHOOL ARCHIES FOUND WHEN THEY RECORDED HERE. NINJA’S RIGHT, BY THE WAY - THAT SAX PART DOES NEED FIXING.”
SONSERI WONG, THE SECOND KEYBOARD PLAYER ON THE DATE CHIMES IN: "IT NEEDS DOUBLING. WHAT IF I JUXTAPOSE A MAJOR CHORD? LISTEN - PLAY IT AGAIN, TEZ." SUSU LIKES WHAT SHE'S HEARING AND MINUTES LATER, THE BAND IS READY FOR ANOTHER RUN-THROUGH. "AREN'T YOU GLAD SONSERI WAS AVAILABLE TO SIT IN?" KRISTIN ASKS ME. I SMILE AND NOD, BUT FRANKLY I FEEL JUST AS DISTRACTED AS TEZ, IF NOT MORE. HIS MOMENTARY CONFUSION HAS ME LOST IN THOUGHT.
CORTÉZ DIDN’T AUDITION FOR THE BAND LIKE THE OTHER MEMBERS DID. I PERSUADED HIM TO JOIN WHEN CARMEN SERNA, THE ORIGINAL SIXTH MEMBER DIDN’T WORK OUT - HER JIVE-ASS DIVA BEHAVIOR FORCED ME TO FIRE HER! AFTERWARDS, RATHER THAN HOLD NEW AUDITIONS I POLLED THE OTHERS ON WHO THEY THOUGHT SHOULD REPLACE CARMEN. EL DIABLO QUINTANILLA WAS THE UNANIMOUS CHOICE!
HE'D SUNG AND PLAYED ON SOUNDTRACK SESSIONS FOR THE MOVIE SAY GOODBYE TO RIVERDALE, AND SINCE THEN HE'D LOGGED SEVERAL DATES WITH THE GROUP AS A SIDEMAN. HOWEVER, UP TO THAT POINT TEZ HAD ONLY EVER BEEN A STUDIO MUSICIAN; HE DIDN’T KNOW IF HE COULD ADJUST TO TOURING, AND HE WORRIED THAT HIS LIVE PERFORMANCE CHOPS WEREN’T UP TO PAR. WE TAPED A LIVE TV SHOW IN MEDELLÍN RIGHT AFTER HE JOINED, SO IT WAS SINK-OR-SWIM TIME FOR HIM!
TEZ CERTAINLY HAD A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT BAND DYNAMICS, BUT HE'S A VERY FAST LEARNER - AND THERE WAS NEVER ANY REASON TO WORRY ABOUT HIM PLAYING LIVE: THE MAN FUCKING KILLS IT ON STAGE! AWARE OF HIS LINGERING INSECURITIES, HIS BANDMATES AND I ARE QUICK TO BRUSH ASIDE ANY NOTION THAT HE DOESN’T BELONG - BUT FOR ME, IT'S COMPLICATED. I KNOW THAT, IN A VERY REAL SENSE, HE DOESN'T!
SOMEBODY ELSE SHOULD BE HERE IN HIS PLACE. NO ONE HAS THOUGHT TO ASK: WHERE IS TOBY MAXX, THE BAND'S FOUNDING SAX PLAYER? AND SINCE WHEN WAS SALSA STAR CARMEN SERNA EVER IN A GROUP? NOBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN WOULD EVER MISTAKE HER FOR A TEAM PLAYER.
IF YOU ASKED THOSE QUESTIONS OF ANY OF THE MUSICIANS GATHERED IN THIS ROOM, THEY WOULDN’T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER. THEY WOULDN’T HAVE A CLUE WHAT OR WHO YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT! HOWEVER, THE TRUTH IS THAT CARMEN WASN'T THE ORIGINAL SIXTH MEMBER - AND THERE WAS A DIFFERENT SAX PLAYER, EVEN THOUGH NONE OF HIS BANDMATES CAN REMEMBER HIM.
IT'S A MYSTERY, AND IF YOU WANT TO UNRAVEL IT, YOU'D BEST BE PREPARED TO STAY AWHILE. THIS IS A TALE THAT WILL TAKE OVER A DOZEN PEOPLE TO TELL! I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. MY NAME IS BREE SPELLMAN AND EIGHTY YEARS AGO, CARMEN SERNA MURDERED ME. NOT LONG AGO, I RETURNED FROM THE DEAD.
YES . . . IT'S THAT KIND OF STORY.
