STORMY FOSTER RETURNS: Chapter Sixteen
POP CULTURE CANTINA
presents
A MARVELOUS LIE PRODUCTION
A MOCK SCREENPLAY
in sixteen chapters
STORMY FOSTER
RETURNS
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CHAPTER SIXTEEN:
"MAKE IT EASY ON YOURSELF"/
"MY SHIP IS COMIN' IN"
THE YEAR 2050
THE TEMPLE OF VENUS
SAN NICOLA LA STRADA, ITALY
IT'S STILL HARD TO GET MY HEAD AROUND: ALL THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME AFTER I MET CHERYL BLOSSOM - THE WOMAN I NOW KNOW WAS MY MENTALLY-DISTURBED PATERNAL AUNT, TARA NATION FAWS - WERE FOR MY PROTECTION!
THOSE SCARY DREAMS, ME GETTING BOUNCED THROUGH TIME, THAT OVERWHELMING SCENT OF SANDALWOOD - ALL OF IT WAS WARNING ME OF DANGER, BUT NOT ONLY THAT! IT WAS ALSO A SIGNAL THAT GUARDIAN ANGELS WERE NEARBY - LIKE "JEWELS", MY MENTOR, WHO HAS TURNED OUT TO BE MY GREAT AUNT DELLA; HILDA AND ZELDA, THE WITCHES LESLIE, MASQUERADING AS MEMBERS OF MY DANCE TROUPE AND DOING A DAMN GOOD JOB OF IT; AND IL SALVATORE, THE GREAT DEFENDER, WHO IN REALITY WAS MY GOOMBA GABINETTO. THEY WERE THERE TO MAKE CERTAIN THAT MY AUNT COULD DO ME NO HARM.
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THOSE SIGNS AND SYMBOLS WAS DAMN SURE LOST ON ME AT THE TIME! MAMMA MIA, THE SMELL OF SANDALWOOD IS PROBABLY GONNA SHAKE ME UP FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE - BUT THEN AGAIN, WHY WOULD IT? VERY SOON, I'M NOT GOING TO REMEMBER ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT MY ADULTHOOD.
OF EVERYTHING YOU'VE LEARNED ABOUT ME SO FAR, HERE'S WHAT'S GONNA FREAK YOU OUT THE MOST: STORMY FOSTER IS FIXIN' TO BECOME UN BAMBINO ITALIANO. ME, A GROWN-ASS MAN! AS MY GRANDPA DILTON MIGHT SAY, IT'S A STONED MIND-BLOWER.
I’M GOING TO UNDERGO A RITUAL IN THE SORCERER’S REALM THAT WILL AGE ME IN REVERSE, ALL THE WAY BACK TO INFANCY. SANTA MERDA . . . I'LL BE A BOUNCING BROWN BABY AGAIN! JEWELS SUGGESTED IT, BUT I MADE THE DECISION. THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO.
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I HAD TWO CONDITIONS, THOUGH. THE FIRST ONE WAS THAT I GET TO CHOOSE THE NAME I GROW UP WITH. NO FUCKING WAY WILL I GO THROUGH LIFE BEING CALLED “JONAH BLOSSOM!”
JEWELS SAYS SHE USED TO CALL ME "PICCOLO," BUT I HAVE NO MEMORY OF THAT. I'VE BEEN KNOWN AS "STORMY" LONGER THAN ANYTHING ELSE: THE GUYS I USED TO PLAY BASKETBALL WITH WOULD CALL ME THAT BECAUSE BACK THEN, I WAS KINDA ON THE HOT-HEADED SIDE!
McKENZIE ABSALOM WAS MY FIRST PROFESSIONAL NAME. ITS SIMILARITY TO THE GREAT DEFENDER'S REAL NAME - NIRMAHL BEN-ABSALOM - IS JUST A COINCIDENCE. REMEMBER THAT PAIR OF PET GUINEA PIGS I TOLD YOU ABOUT? A GIRL I KNEW CALLED ONE OF THEM "McKENZIE" AFTER HER BRATTY LITTLE BROTHER, AND "ABSALOM" GOT HIS HANDLE FROM CONSTANTLY GETTING HIS TINY ASS TANGLED UP IN SHRUBBERY! WHEN I WENT PRO AS A DEEJAY, I JUST TOOK THOSE TWO NAMES AND COMBINED THEM.
I STILL LIKE IT, BECAUSE THINKING ABOUT MY LI'L LONG-AGO FUR BUDDIES ALWAYS MAKES ME SMILE. GIVEN WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO ME, I'M LIKE A HUMAN GUINEA PIG ANYHOW, SO MAYBE THOSE NAMES ARE A GOOD FIT? I'VE BEEN PROMISED THAT McKENZIE ABSALOM WILL BE ON MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. HOWEVER, MY NICKNAME IS ALWAYS GONNA BE “STORMY”.
MY SECOND CONDITION WAS: I WANT TO CARRY ON THE ORIGINAL STORMY FOSTER'S WORK - THE PART THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE AKUA POWERS - WHATEVER OTHER WORK I END UP DOING. SABRINA, AMBROSE AND JEWELS WILL MAKE SURE THAT I LEARN ABOUT HIM, AND I'M SURE OUR STRONG PHYSICAL RESEMBLANCE WILL HAVE AN INFLUENCE ON ME. HOPEFULLY, THOUGH, THERE'LL BE NO MAJOR THREATS TO THE WELFARE OF GAY PEOPLE BY THE TIME I GROW UP!
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1992 RECORDING SESSION LOG FOR
STORMY FOSTER
BUT IT ISN'T JUST ABOUT GAY PEOPLE ANYMORE. MEETING UP JOSIE JAMES DIDN'T CHANGE MY BELIEF THAT BIOLOGY IS REAL, BUT IT DID PULL MY COAT ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS. AFTER SEEING THE HELL THAT GENDER CONFUSION PUT JOSIE THOUGH, I'VE BECOME OBSESSED WITH SO-CALLED GENDER-AFFIRMING CARE. GRAZIE A DIO, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS THE DIAMOND TRUST IN THIS NEW TIME STREAM, BUT THERE ARE OTHER ORGANIZATIONS AND WANNABE EXPERTS THAT TRY TO GASLIGHT VULNERABLE MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN.
DIG IT: SEX CHANGE IS A COSMETIC PROCESS. NO DOCTOR CAN ACTUALLY SWITCH BIOLOGY FROM MALE TO FEMALE OR VICE-VERSA. DETTO QUESTO, THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN AND ALWAYS WILL BE THOSE WHO NEED TO LIVE AS THE OPPOSITE SEX. GABINETTO TOLD ME THAT IT'S A SPIRITUAL THING, AND I DON'T DOUBT HIM. TRANSITIONING IS ONE HELLA SERIOUS LIFE CHANGE, THOUGH - IT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE EASY, AND IT ISN'T MEANT FOR KIDS!
PER L'AMOR DI DIO - A CHILD SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO MAKE THAT DECISION. ONLY ADULTS HAVE ENOUGH MATURITY TO DECIDE IF, HOW AND WHEN TO TRANSITION. NO MATTER HOW MATURE A MINOR MAY COME ACROSS, ADULTS ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO SHOULD BE SETTING THAT PROCESS IN MOTION, AND THEY SHOULD ONLY BE DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES.
HOW I OR ANYBODY ELSE FEELS ABOUT ABOUT SEX CHANGE PROCEDURES ISN'T RELEVANT - IT'S NONE OF OUR FUCKING BUSINESS! BUT CHILD SAFETY IS A VALID CONCERN FOR EVERYBODY. THOSE PROCEDURES SHOULD NOT BE PERFORMED ON CHILDREN BELOW A CERTAIN AGE; AND WHEN THEY'VE COME OF AGE, THE MEDICAL TREATMENT THAT THEY GET SHOULD BE HUMANE.
SOME OF THESE "GENDER-AFFIRMING" TECHNIQUES BELONG IN A SLASHER MOVIE, NOT IN A MEDICAL CLINIC - THEY'RE BARBARIC AS FUCK! SOMETHING'S GOT TO BE DONE ABOUT THAT, AND MAYBE I'LL BE THE ONE WHO DOES IT.
LET ME SAY SOMETHING ABOUT PEOPLE OF ANY AGE WHO THREATEN SUICIDE IF THEY CAN'T TRANSITION IMMEDIATELY: THE LAST THING YOU SHOULD EVER DO IS WHAT A SUICIDAL PERSON WANTS! A DESIRE TO SELF-HARM IS ONE HELLA RED FLAG: IT WARNS US THAT URGENT MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES EXIST, AND THOSE ISSUES NEED ADDRESSING FIRST. PUT GENDER CONCERNS ON THE BACK BURNER UNTIL THAT HAPPENS.
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STORMY FOSTER'S FAMILY TREE
IF I COULD BOIL THE KIND OF GENDER ACTIVISM I WANT TO DO DOWN TO JUST ONE STATEMENT, HERE'S WHAT I'D SAY: SOCIETY NEEDS TO KICK RIGID GENDER EXPECTATIONS TO THE CURB ONCE AND FOR ALL. FUCK THESE NARROW DEFINITIONS OF WHAT'S MALE AND WHAT'S FEMALE! THEY DON'T APPLY, AND THEY NEVER HAVE. UNTIL WE GET RID OF ENTRENCHED GENDER STEREOTYPES, NOBODY, NO MATTER HOW THEY IDENTIFY, WILL EVER TRULY UNDERSTAND WHAT "TRANS" IS OR HOW BEST TO AFFIRM IT.
BEFORE I MAKE IT SAFE FOR PEOPLE TO SEEK WHOLENESS THROUGH GENDER TRANSITION - IRONICALLY, THE STATED GOAL OF MY AUNT IN HER GUISE OF ALEXANDRA DIAMOND - I'VE GOT TO BE MADE WHOLE MY DAMN SELF. HOW MANY OF YOU WOULD LIVE YOUR LIVES OVER AGAIN IF YOU HAD THE CHANCE - NOT KNOWING IF WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU WOULD BE BETTER OR WORSE? SÌ, FOR MOST PEOPLE IT WOULD BE FRIGHTENING, BUT NOT FOR ME. I’VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF TAKING CHANCES.
WHY SHOULD I BE AFRAID IN ANY CASE, WHEN I KNOW I’M GONNA GROW UP IN SUCH A CLAN FAVULOSA? MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY FUCKING ROCKS, Y'ALL: GARCY BRISEÑO AND CASSIDY HIPP FOR MOTHERS, TONY BRISEÑO FOR MY NONNO, DELLA NIGHTSHADE AS MY PROZIA AND SABRINA THE SORCERESS AS MY CUGINA - BOTH OF THEM, FORMER WITCH QUEENS!
NOT TO MENTION CHILDREN'S TV HOST MAL HYPSTER AND BROADWAY DIRECTOR SIR AMBROSE NIXON, WHO’VE GOTTA BE THE KEWLEST UNCLES ANYBODY COULD EVER WANT. HEY, WHEN I'M OF AGE, MAYBE THEY CAN GET ME BACK INTO SHOW BUSINESS?
ARCHIE AND VERONICA ANDREWS WILL BE MY PADRINI, AND DIG IT, Y'ALL: MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER WAS ANNA MAY-FUCKING-WONG! EAT ME UP WITH A SPOON, RAGAZZI! THERE ARE BRANCHES OF MY FAMILY ON ALL SEVEN CONTINENTS, TOO - I'M LIKE A WALKING UNITED NATIONS!
EVERYONE WHO HAS HELPED ME DOCUMENT MY LIFE STORY FEELS LIKE FAMILY TO ME - EVEN CARMEN SERNA, WHOSE EVIL SPIRIT TOOK POSSESSION OF MY AUNT. AFTER ALL, CARMEN WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR ME BEING BORN, WASN'T SHE? I'M GRATEFUL FOR THAT, AND IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW TWISTED HER MOTIVES MAY HAVE BEEN. AT THIS MOMENT, I FEEL SO INCREDIBLY BLESSED! I CAN’T WAIT TO START WALKING DOWN MY BRAND NEW PERCORSO DI VITA . . . THE ROAD TO MY FUTURE LIFE.
GOOD MORNING, DADDY!
SEE WHAT MOTHER NATURE HAS DONE.
SHE MADE A WOMAN SO MUCH LIKE A MAN
AND A MAN SO MUCH LIKE A WOMAN
YOU CAN'T TELL THE OTHER FROM THE ONE.
YET SOME FOOLS DEMAND THAT OUR BODIES
RESEMBLE OUR SOULS!
IF CONFORMITY BECOMES OUR GOAL,
HOW WILL NATURE BE DEFINED?
SHOULD WE DESPISE OUR OWN DIVERSITY?
SHOULD WHAT'S DIVINE
BE UNDONE?
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