STORMY FOSTER RETURNS: Epilogue

EPILOGUE:

"EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN"

THE YEAR 2050

CHAPEL OF ROCK,

SANTA BARBARA, CALIFORNIA

HOW I'VE MISSED BEING INSIDE A RECORDING STUDIO! THERE’S REALLY NO PLACE WHERE I’D RATHER BE. THE STUDIO ENVIRONMENT AFFIRMS ME LIKE NOTHING ELSE DOES: WHEN I'M HERE, I CAN FULLY RELISH BEING SABRINA "BREE" SPELLMAN, MUSIC ARRANGER, COMPOSER, PRODUCER AND RECORDING MANAGER.

CARMEN SERNA'S LIFE FORCE WAS SO INCREDIBLY STRONG, I OFTEN FELT THAT MY OWN IDENTITY WAS SLIPPING AWAY. I HADN'T LOST HOPE - I'M NOT THE KIND TO EVER FEEL HOPELESS - BUT IF MOTHER, AMBROSE, ALEXANDRA, SALEM AND THE OTHERS HADN'T JOINED FORCES TO FREE ME, I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I COULD'VE HELD ON. THANKFULLY, AS SOON AS HER EVIL INFLUENCE DISSIPATED, I WAS MYSELF AGAIN. A FULL RECOVERY IS WELL WITHIN MY REACH NOW, AND IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT I NO LONGER HAVE THE BODY I WAS BORN WITH.

THE ARCHIES

A SECOND GENERATION!

I'M AT CHAPEL OF ROCK, THE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA RECORDING STUDIO THAT THE ARCHIES MADE FAMOUS. TONY BRISEÑO IS OUT IN THE “LIVE” ROOM, DIRECTING THE BAND. CORKY CLAYTON IS MANNING THE MIXING DESK. MY DEAR FRIEND AND RESCUER SALEM - BACK IN HIS FELINE FORM FOR NOW - IS SITTING NEXT TO ME HERE IN THE ENGINEER’S BOOTH.

PUSSY CAT SEEMS TO BE LOOKING AT THE WALL, BUT I KNOW BETTER. I CAN FEEL THOSE PIERCING GREEN EYES OF HIS SCRUTINIZING ME, EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT TURNED IN MY DIRECTION.

“NO, YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE YOUR OLD SELF,” HE DRAWLS IN CAT LANGUAGE, “BUT YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE HER, EITHER. IT'S KIND OF LIKE YOU'VE BECOME A HYBRID OF TWO WOMEN.” I TWEAK HIS NOSE, LIKE I’VE DONE SO MANY TIMES IN THE PAST. “PHYSICAL APPEARANCE IS A BLEND OF THE PHYSICAL AND THE SPIRITUAL,” I REMIND HIM. “THE SPIRIT ALWAYS INFLUENCES THE PHYSICALITY. WHAT DO YOU THINK I’D LOOK LIKE WITH YOUR SPIRIT INSIDE ME?” HE RESPONDS WITH A PURR THAT SOUNDS AMAZINGLY LIKE A SNICKER: “DARLING, YOU’D LOOK SMASHING IN SEQUINS!”

SALEM WAS A CROSS-DRESSING WIZARD CENTURIES AGO. WHEN HE TAKES HUMAN FORM THESE DAYS, HE FULLY EMBRACES BEING A BIG OLD DRAG QUEEN! RIGHT NOW, HE’S SPORTING A CAT-SIZED SEQUINED TOP AND I MUST ADMIT, HE DOES LOOK RATHER FABULOUS.

FABULOUS SALEM "DA KATT"!

“IT’S JUST LIKE OLD TIMES, ISN’T IT?” HE SIGHS. “YOU AND ME AT A NEW ARCHIES RECORDING SESSION?” I GENTLY CORRECT HIM: “NOT THE NEW ARCHIES, OLD FRIEND - JUST THE ARCHIES. IN THIS CLEANSED TIMELINE, ARCHIE AND VERONICA TOOK MY SUGGESTION AND ALLOWED THEIR SUCCESSOR GROUP TO USE THE ORIGINAL NAME. I’M VERY HAPPY ABOUT THAT!”

NOW IT’S HIS TURN TO BE GENTLE WHEN HE ASKS: “DOES IT HURT TO NO LONGER BE WITCH QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSAL REALM?” I ANSWER HIM HONESTLY: “NOT AT ALL. I MISSED MY MUSIC CAREER TERRIBLY! BESIDES THAT, I WAS ABSENT FROM DUTY SO THE HIGH COUNCIL HAD TO ACT; BUT I DO FEEL REGRET ABOUT MY POOR JUDGMENT.

"I AGREE 100% WITH THE ELDERS - I SHOULD HAVE CONTACTED THEM FOR HELP AGAINST CARMEN LONG AGO. BY CONVINCING MYSELF THAT MY FRIENDS AND I COULD HANDLE HER ALONE, I BIT OFF MORE THAN I COULD CHEW. SO NOW, MOTHER WILL SERVE IN MY PLACE UNTIL A NEW LEADER IS CHOSEN.”

THE ARCHIES ARE CUTTING A NEW ALBUM. SWEET NOTHIN’S IS A RECORD THAT THEIR MUSIC LABEL DOESN’T WANT THEM TO MAKE! FOR YEARS, MAL HYPSTER HAS WANTED TO CUT A COUNTRY/POP LP, AND LANA SUZUKI IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR FEMALE ARTISTS TO SALUTE. THEY GOT TOGETHER ON A BRENDA LEE TRIBUTE. I GREENLIT THE ALBUM CONCEPT, BUT REPUBLIC USA EXECUTIVES TURNED THUMBS DOWN: THEY DON'T THINK THE ARCHIES CAN CRACK THE COUNTRY CHARTS! NEVER MIND THAT THE ORIGINAL GROUP DID IT YEARS AGO.

SWEET NOTHIN'S

THE ARCHIES SING BRENDA LEE

CHI SHARED THE ALBUM DEMO WITH GARCY BRISEÑO - HIS SISTER-IN-LAW AND MY COUSIN - AND THEN GARCY BROUGHT IT TO HER DAD'S ATTENTION. A FORMER RECORD EXECUTIVE HIMSELF, TONY WAS THE ONE WHO CONVINCED THE LABEL TO TAKE A CHANCE. WHAT ASSURED THEIR SUPPORT WAS HIS OFFER TO PRODUCE THE ALBUM AND INCLUDE GARCY AS A GUEST VOCALIST. SHE’D VOWED NEVER TO SING WITH A GROUP AGAIN, SO THIS WAS AN OFFER THEY COULDN'T REFUSE - AND TONY KNEW SHE COULDN'T REFUSE A CHANCE TO INTERPRET BRENDA LEE’S LEGENDARY BALLADS!

SO HERE WE ARE, KNEE-DEEP IN A PROJECT THAT WE'RE ALL ENTHUSED ABOUT. THIS NEW TIMELINE MAKES IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO SUPERVISE GARCY AND THE ARCHIES AGAIN. PRIOR TO CARMEN SERNA’S INTERFERENCE, WE HAD PARTED WAYS OVER CREATIVE DIFFERENCES - I ONLY WORKED WITH THEM FOR FOUR YEARS. NOW I CAN SHEPHERD THEM THROUGH THEIR ENTIRE CAREER, FIRST AS PRODUCER AND THEN AS AN EXECUTIVE WITH SUSU AS MY PROTÉGÉE AND SUCCESSOR.

MY MAGIC CRYSTAL PREDICTS THAT THE SECOND-GENERATION ARCHIES WILL HAVE TWO MORE PLATINUM ALBUMS IN THEIR CATALOG, AS WELL AS A FEW MORE HIT SINGLES. THE ORIGINAL ARCHIES WILL HAVE A SIGNIFICANT CATALOG ADDITION AS WELL.

PARTRIDGE FAMILY '59

BBC-TV SOUNDTRACK ALBUM

SUNG BY THE ARCHIES

TODAY, EXCEPT FOR ME, WE HAVE AN ALL-MALE CREW. GARCY FINISHED LAYING DOWN HER VOCAL TRACKS LAST WEEK. LAST YEAR, DONNA DANTE SANG THE DEMOS, BUT SHE'LL HAVE NO OTHER CONTRIBUTION TO THIS ALBUM - DEE DEE HAS QUIT THE GROUP TO BECOME A FULL-TIME ACTRESS! SHE'LL REJOIN THE BAND BEFORE THE DECADE IS OUT, THOUGH, AND BRING ALONG A HUSBAND: MUSIC DIRECTOR RAMSAY KHALID SHARMA. SUSU ISN’T HERE, EITHER - SHE HAD TO MISS THESE SESSIONS IN ORDER TO CARE FOR HER AILING MOTHER.

THE OTHER ABSENT MEMBER IS A MAN, AND HIS ABSENCE LEAVES A GAPING HOLE IN MY HEART. I’LL NEVER GET OVER THE LOSS OF TOBIAS MAXWELL!

ONLY SALEM AND I REMEMBER HIM AT ALL. WHEN HE DIED IN THE YEAR 1991, HIS ENTIRE LIFESPAN WAS ERASED AND IT'S AS IF HE NEVER EXISTED. THE WORLD KNOWS CARMEN SERNA AS THE SIXTH MEMBER OF THE RECONSTITUTED ARCHIES. SHE WAS REPLACED BY JAVIER CORTÉZ QUINTANILLA. TEZ IS A FINE MUSICIAN - HE'S A COUSIN OF THE LATE TEJANO STAR, SELENA - AND A GOOD FIT FOR THE BAND, BUT HOW COULD HE EVER REPLACE TOBY MAXX? IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE.

TOBY FOUND THE PEACE IN DEATH THAT HE BEGGED FOR. HIS GUNSHOT WOUND WAS ALMOST CERTAINLY FATAL, BUT THE COMBINED POWER OF THE WICCAN ELDERS STILL MIGHT'VE SAVED HIM. I WISH I COULD'VE ESCORTED TOBY INTO THIS NEW TIME STREAM - BACK TO THE HOME HE'D MADE WITH SUSU AND CHI, AND THE SON THEY WERE DESTINED TO HAVE. YET HE HAD SUFFERED SO TERRIBLY AT CARMEN’S HANDS THAT AMBROSE DECIDED TO GRANT HIM HIS WHISPERED WISH TO DIE. MAYBE THAT WAS THE MOST HUMANE DECISION? IN TIME, I’LL RESTORE HIS BANDMATES’ MEMORIES OF HIM.

THE LATE TOBY MAXX

POSING FOR A JOSIE + THE PUSSY CATS PROMOTIONAL AD

PERCEPTIVE AS ALWAYS, SALEM SEEMS TO HAVE READ MY MIND. “ONE THING THAT’S REALLY SAD ABOUT TOBY’S DEATH IS THAT HE AND MAL HYPSTER WILL NEVER GET TOGETHER," HE REMINDS ME. "I MEAN, WAS THAT THE GREAT GAY ROMANCE OF THE CENTURY OR WHAT? ON AGAIN AND OFF AGAIN FOR YEARS! THAT MAD GROOVY JEWISH WEDDING OF THEIRS WILL NEVER HAPPEN NOW.”

SALEM DOESN’T KNOW WHAT MY CRYSTAL BALL REVEALED LAST NIGHT: THERE'S GOING TO BE A WEDDING ALL RIGHT, BUT IT WILL BE KAUWANI INSTEAD OF JEWISH, AND CHI'S GROOM WILL BE . . . AMBROSE! AFTER ALL, THEY HAD A SERIOUS MÉNAGE À TROIS GOING WITH TOBY FOR A WHILE - IT ISN’T UNTHINKABLE THAT THEY’D DEVELOP ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER.

PUSSY CAT WOULD LOVE BEING PRIVY TO THIS SCOOP, BUT I'M KEEPING IT TO MYSELF! I JUST TELL HIM: “CHI HAS A LOT OF ADMIRERS, YOU KNOW. ONE OF THEM IS SURE TO BAG HIM SOMEDAY!”

TARA NATION FAWS IS ALREADY MARRIED - TO MY WIFE HEATHER, AND ME. THAT NEWS CALLS FOR SOME UNPACKING, DOESN'T IT? FOR YEARS, CARMEN SERNA KEPT TARA AS HER ZOMBIE, AND SHE BECAME THE PRIMARY HOST FOR HER WICKED SOUL. DURING THAT TIME, THE POOR GIRL'S MIND WAS COMPLETELY DESTROYED! SADLY, NOTHING CAN BE DONE ABOUT THAT, BUT AT LEAST SHE'S FREE OF CARMEN'S EVIL INFLUENCE NOW - AND UNLIKE TOBY MAXX, SHE'S STILL ALIVE. I SHARE BOTH HER FREEDOM AND HER LIFE!

TARA'S SPIRIT AND MINE SHARE WHAT WAS ONCE HER BODY. ESSENTIALLY, MY MIND HAS REPLACED HERS! HOWEVER, THE WAY WE'VE BONDED IS NOTHING LIKE ZOMBIE POSSESSION BECAUSE CERTAIN ASPECTS OF OUR PERSONALITIES HAVE BLENDED. IT SOUNDS STRANGE BUT IT FEELS MARVELOUS - I'M YOUNGER, FASTER, PHYSICALLY STRONGER AND MOST OF MY SENSES ARE MUCH MORE INTENSE THAN BEFORE. FOR EXAMPLE, I NEVER DREAMED THAT SEX WITH MEN COULD FEEL SO AMAZING! THE ONLY DRAWBACK IS THAT I NOW HAVE A MORTAL LIFESPAN.

TARA IS LUCKY THAT HER LIFESPAN WASN'T SHORTENED - SHE ABUSED HERSELF HORRIBLY WITH DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. SHE LOST HER SENSE OF SMELL AFTER YEARS OF COCAINE ADDICTION - THAT'S THE REASON SHE CAN'T DETECT AROMAS LIKE SANDALWOOD - BUT HER SELF-DESTRUCTIVE STREAK WAS CURTAILED WHEN CARMEN USED HER AS A HUMAN SHELL. MS. SERNA HAD MANY FAULTS BUT THANKFULLY, NOT TAKING CARE OF HER HEALTH WASN'T ONE OF THEM!

NOW THAT MOTHER, HILDA AND ZELDA HAVE PUT ME ON A STRICT DIET AND EXERCISE REGIMEN, I ANTICIPATE THAT TARA'S BODY WILL BE IN BETTER SHAPE THAN IT'S EVER BEEN. I MAY EVEN REGAIN A FULLY FUNCTIONAL NOSE SOMEDAY! WHATEVER THE CASE, MY FORMER EMPLOYEE AND I WILL LIVE OUT OUR LIVES TOGETHER, AND HOPEFULLY DO GREAT THINGS.

THE ARCHIES SING LATIN SOUL

¡ V A T O S !

MY THOUGHT STREAM IS INTERRUPTED BY RIKKI NINJA - OUR RESIDENT TRANSSEXUAL SUPERSTAR. HE STEPS INTO THE SOUNDBOOTH AND WE START DISCUSSING A LATIN-THEMED EP PROJECT THAT HE WANTS TO DO NEXT YEAR. THAT DISCUSSION IS IN TURN INTERRUPTED BY A PHONE CALL: GARCY IS RINGING US FROM TUSCANY, WHERE SHE AND HER WIFE CASSIDY LIVE NOW.

“PUT ME ON THE STUDIO MONITOR,” SHE INSISTS. “I HAVE GLORIOUS NEWS AND I WANT TO SHARE IT WITH EVERYONE.” MOMENTS LATER, GARCY AND CASS ARE ON SCREEN. NERO THE DOG IS THERE, TOO, AND SO IS AN ADORABLE CHESTNUT BROWN BUNDLE SWATHED IN A BLANKET!

“Y’ALL KNOW THAT CASSIE AND I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO CONCEIVE FOR SEVERAL YEARS WITHOUT SUCCESS,” SHE EXPLAINS. “I WAS DEAD SET AGAINST ADOPTION - WOULDN’T EVEN CONSIDER IT! BUT THEN SABRINA BROUGHT A VERY SPECIAL BABY BOY TO MY ATTENTION - AN ORPHAN. THE MINUTE WE LAID EYES ON HIM, WE SIMULTANEOUSLY KNEW THAT HE WAS MEANT TO BE OUR SON.

"SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, MEET McKENZIE ABSALOM HIPP-BRISEÑO! NURSES IN THE MATERNITY WARD GAVE HIM THE NICKNAME 'STORMY' BECAUSE HE'S GIVEN TO HAVING LITTLE TEMPER TANTRUMS! WHAT THIS BABY NEEDS IS DISCIPLINE AND TLC FROM TWO STRONG LESBIANS, AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE'LL GET."

THE STUDIO CREW BREAKS OUT IN LAUGHTER, SWOONS, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND ADORING EXCLAMATIONS. CASS IS SO FILLED WITH JOY THAT SHE CAN’T SPEAK, AND TONY BRISEÑO BURSTS INTO TEARS. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME HE'S SEEN HIS GRANDSON AS AN INFANT. JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, STORMY WAS A STRAPPING YOUNG MAN WHEN I INTRODUCED HIM TO HIS GRANDFATHER! TONY'S EMOTIONAL REACTION PROMPTS NINJA, TEZ AND CHI TO ENVELOP HIM IN A GROUP HUG.

“¡QUÉ LINDO ESTÁN! LOOK HOW NERO SNUGGLES CLOSE TO THE BABY,” TEZ COOS, “AND SEE HOW STORMY SMILES! YOU’D ALMOST THINK THAT THEY WERE OLD FRIENDS.” SALEM PURRS IN ADORATION AND PREDICTS: “BREE, YOU'VE JUST LOST YOURSELF A CANINE PRODUCTION ASSISTANT. POODLE MAN WILL TAKE A LONG LEAVE OF ABSENCE FROM THE STUDIO - HE'LL BE ALL ABOUT CHILD CARE FOR THE FORSEEABLE FUTURE!”

IT WASN’T HARD TO UNITE STORMY WITH HIS BIOLOGICAL MOTHER - OR RATHER, REUNITE THEM - AFTER HE AGREED TO LET US RETURN HIM TO INFANCY. HIS RUN AS A RAP STAR WAS OVER BY 1992, BUT HE LANDED ON HIS FEET: BABY BOY RETURNED TO THE UNITED STATES AND WORKED AS AN INDIE RECORD EXECUTIVE. HE WAS REASONABLY SUCCESSFUL, BUT NOT VERY HAPPY!

STORMY'S HAD IT ROUGH, AND THAT'S AN UNDERSTATEMENT. BEING YANKED ACROSS DIFFERENT TIME PERIODS WITH CARMEN SERNA IN HOT PURSUIT IS NO WAY TO LIVE! WHEN MOTHER, AMBROSE AND I OFFERED HIM THE CHANCE TO HAVE A FULL AND NORMAL LIFE, HE JUMPED AT IT WITHOUT HESITATION.

GROWING UP IN A FAMILY OF MUSICIANS, STORMY WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY HAVE A SINGING CAREER. HE’S GOT A FINE VOICE AND IS CAPABLE OF MORE THAN JUST RHYMING RAP SONGS! AS ALWAYS, HIS GREAT AUNT DELLA WILL BE A CONSTANT PRESENCE IN HIS LIFE - VISIBLY, THIS TIME - AND I’LL VISIT AS OFTEN AS I CAN. VERY SOON, MOTHER, TONY AND I WILL REVEAL TO GARCY THAT SHE IS STORMY’S REAL MOTHER! I CAN’T SEE THAT REVELATION BEING ANYTHING BUT JOYFUL FOR HER.

THE FUTURE DISCOGRAPHY OF

STORMY FOSTER

ARRIVING AT THIS PLACE HAS BEEN MORE TRAUMATIC THAN I COULD EVER DESCRIBE, BUT IT FEELS WORTH IT: THERE’S A LOT TO LIKE ABOUT HOW EVERYTHING HAS TURNED OUT. TONY HAS THE GRANDSON THAT HE ALWAYS WANTED, BASIL AND IRENE HAVE BEEN REUNITED, NERO THE DOG IS ALIVE AND WILL NEVER SPEND ANY TIME SUFFERING INSIDE A HUMAN BODY, AND WHEN HER SECOND TERM AS WITCH QUEEN IS OVER, MY MOTHER IS SURE TO START CULTIVATING HER LONG-NEGLECTED MUSICAL TALENTS!

JOSIE + THE PUSSY CATS’ CAREER PROGRESSION HAS BEEN

RETURNED TO NORMAL. THEY’RE AN AMERICAN GROUP AGAIN, NOT A EUROPEAN ONE, AND WITH “JULIE B” GOING SOLO, JOSIE JAMES IS BACK ON LEAD GUITAR WHERE SHE BELONGS. WHILE SHE STILL IDENTIFIES AS “NON-BINARY”, SHE’S NO LONGER A PEST ABOUT PRONOUNS AND HAS RECLAIMED HER ICONIC NAME. I PREDICT THAT JOSIE WILL RETURN TO BEING THE WOMAN, MOTHER AND ROCK STAR WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE.

BEST OF ALL, IT TURNS OUT THAT SHE, VALERIE AND MELODY DID NOT LOSE THEIR LIVES IN A PLANE CRASH SEVERAL YEARS AGO. THANKFULLY, NOT EVERYTHING HAS PROGRESSED AS IT DID BEFORE.

PROMO FOR THE ALBUM

PUSSY CATS IN PUERTO RICO

SPEAKING OF CHANGES FOR THE BETTER, I'M ELATED TO HAVE MY GOOD REPUTATION BACK! I'M NO LONGER REMEMBERED AS THE EARLY '60s HATCHET MURDERESS "LONDON LIZZIE." THAT WAS THE NASTIEST PLOT CARMEN EVER CONCEIVED - FRAMING ME FOR PSYCHOPATHIC CRIMES THAT SHE HERSELF COMMITTED! NOW THE FALSE CRIMINAL RECORD OF BREE SPELLMAN HAS BEEN WIPED CLEAN, AND "MY" VICTIMS ARE LISTED AS HAVING DIED COMPLETELY NATURAL DEATHS.

HOWEVER, MY ELATION IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HOW MY COUSIN FEELS THESE DAYS. AS A RESULT OF EXPOSURE TO THE KAUWA RELIGION, AMBROSE'S LIFE HAS UNDERGONE A SEA CHANGE; HE’S GOING TO LEAVE HIS ACCLAIMED THEATER CAREER TO BECOME A MINISTER OF THAT FAITH!

THE ROLE OF CHIZA THE WISE MAN BEGAN AS ONE OF HIS MANY MASQUERADES, BUT HE EXPERIENCED A GENUINE SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION. NOW ROSIE FEELS CALLED TO LEAD A WORSHIP COMMUNITY IN NORTH AMERICA. HE PLANS TO FOUND A KAUWA TEMPLE IN RIVERDALE USA - OF ALL PLACES! WOULDN’T MAL HYPSTER BE SURPRISED TO KNOW THAT HE’S DESTINED TO BE A “PREACHER’S WIFE”? WHAT AN AWESOME DEVELOPMENT.

THE 2057 WEDDING OF

SIR AMBROSE NIXON TO

MALACHI HIPP

ARCHIES MANAGER LYLE JASON BLOSSOM HAS NOW ARRIVED AT THE STUDIO, AND FROM THE SOUNDBOOTH I SEE HIM MOTIONING TO SALEM AND ME. HE’S REMINDING US THAT THE SESSION NEEDS TO END EARLY SO THE GROUP CAN GO CROSSTOWN FOR A PHOTO SHOOT. “WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TO PATTYCAKE?” SALEM ASKS, CALLING LYLE BY HIS FUTURE FEMALE NAME. “SURE AS SHIT MISS THING AIN’T GONNA BECOME THE NEW CARMEN SERNA LIKE SHE DID IN THE OLD TIMELINE!”

I'VE FALLEN BACK INTO THE FAMILIAR HABIT OF SCOLDING SALEM: “WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, YOU OLD POTTY MOUTH. PATSY KATE BLOSSOM WILL SUCCESSFULLY TRANSITION OF COURSE, MARRY RIKKI NINJA AND CONTINUE WORKING IN ARTIST MANAGEMENT UNTIL TERMINAL CANCER CLAIMS HER LIFE. HOWEVER, YOU’LL BE PLEASED TO KNOW THAT THAT SAD DIAGNOSIS WON’T COME UNTIL SHE’S WELL INTO HER SIXTIES! BOTH PATTYCAKE AND NERO WILL HAVE NORMAL LIFESPANS THAT ARE FULL AND HAPPY.”

SALEM’S FURRY EYEBROWS RAISE MISCHIEVOUSLY. “SO . . . NOW THAT CARMEN WON’T BE TAKING PART IN THE ARCHIES’ 2058 FAREWELL CONCERT,” HE QUERIES, ”WHO’S GONNA BE THE SPECIAL GUEST SINGING ‘CHINA GROVE’? MS. DELLA, MAYBE?” I FEIGN OUTRAGE. “NOT HARDLY! THAT SHOW WILL HAPPEN SEVEN YEARS FROM NOW, BUT I’M ALREADY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. I’VE NEVER SUNG LEAD VOCALS IN CONCERT BEFORE, SO I GUESS I’D BETTER START PRACTICING."

"YEAH, BITCH, YOU'D BETTER," SALEM TEASES. "CARMEN SERNA MAY HAVE BEEN A CRAZED SKANK HOE FROM HELL, BUT SHE COULD BLOW YOU AWAY WHEN SHE SANG. TARA NATION FAWS HAD ONE OF THE STANKEST SINGING VOICES I EVER HEARD - AND NOW YOU'VE GOT IT!" I RESPOND WITH A SMIRK: “SMART-ASS FELINE! COME OVER HERE AND GIVE ME SOME SNUGGLES LIKE A PUSSY CAT IS SUPPOSED TO, AND BY THE WAY - SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME. EVERY NOW AND THEN, TARA'S STREETWISE PERSONALITY COMES OUT AND I SHOCK MYSELF - BUT DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING? IT'S KIND OF FUN! SALEM GETS A KICK OUT OF IT, TOO. BREE SPELLMAN WILL HAVE TO GET USED TO HAVING A "SPICY" SIDE, BUT I THINK I'M GOING TO ENJOY IT.

dedicated to

deb delman

for her generosity, encouragement and

unquenchable joie-de-vivre

thanks to

PATTY BALL, JAMETTA COOLEY, JULIE FAZIO,

HARRIS GARDNER, KRISTIN GORRIE,

SONSERI KENNEDY, RODERICK MACK,

DAVE PEARSON, CHERYLANNE PETRUNTI, 

NEERMAL REKHA, MICHAEL SKEEN

+ JON TROUTEN

special thanks to

ROHASE PIERCY

A MARVELOUS LIE PRODUCTION

A MOCK SCREENPLAY

in sixteen chapters

STORMY FOSTER

RETURNS

starring

SABRINA the SORCERESS

with

ALEXANDRA

IRENE BANG SINGAPORE

DILTON DOILEY BRISEÑO

ALBERT FOX

TOBY MAXX

JOSIE + THE PUSSY CATS

NERO the DOG

DELLA NIGHTSHADE

SIR AMBROSE NIXON

SALEM “DA KATT”

BASIL SINGAPORE "IL SALVATORE"

SONSERI

special appearance by

PAJARO HINA

as "SNOOKS the PARROT"

featuring

THE ARCHIES

GARCY BRISEÑO, DONNA DANTE,

MAL HYPSTER, RIKKI NINJA,

+ LANA SUZUKI

introducing

JAVIER CORTÉZ QUINTANILLA

and

McKENZIE ABSALOM

as STORMY FOSTER

Originally known as Don Señorito Cartoon, McKenzie began popping up in my artwork sometime in late 2014. A mysterious and intriguing character, he seemed to belong to no specific time period; I had absolutely no idea who he was! However, I suspected that he'd eventually reveal himself to me and now that he finally has, I'm just as surprised as you are. Time will tell whether McKenzie ever returns to my storylines but if he doesn't, STORMY FOSTER RETURNS will have been a fine send-off for him.

THE COMPLETE

SABRINA-CARMEN SAGA

BY HAMPTON JACOBS

featuring images of Archie Comics characters along with characters specially created for

Pop Culture Cantina

MAMA CAN'T BUY YOU LOVE

A GRAPHIC NOVEL

serialized from September 2014 to February 2015

ARCHIE-f*cking-MANIA!

AN ILLUSTRATED DISCOGRAPHY

published April 2015

ARCHIE ON BROADWAY

A MUSICAL TREATMENT 

published April 2015

LEGACY OF A ROCK + ROLL WITCH QUEEN 

AN ILLUSTRATED DISCOGRAPHY

published March 2016

VARIATIONS ON A THEME CALLED 

PUSSY RIOT 

A GRAPHIC NOVELETTE 

published October 2018

THE FREAKING OUT OF GERALDINE GRUNDY

A MOCK SCREENPLAY

serialized from June to July 2019

THE FILE ON STORMY FOSTER

A MOCK SCREENPLAY 

CO-CONCEIVED BY PATTY BALL

serialized from January to May 2021

ROCK + ROLL IN COLOR

AN ILLUSTRATED DISCOGRAPHY

serialized from June to July 2021

THE BIG HURT

A GRAPHIC NOVELLA 

published September 2023

MOVE IT ON THE BACKBEAT

A GRAPHIC NOVELLA 

published April 2024

ARCHIE vs. DON KIRSHNER

AN ILLUSTRATED DISCOGRAPHY

published September 2024

STORMY FOSTER RETURNS

A MOCK SCREENPLAY 

published April 2025

SONGS BY THE 

WALKER BROTHERS

ACCESS THE VIRTUAL SOUNDTRACK OF

STORMY FOSTER RETURNS

ON YOUTUBE