ARCHIE VS. DON KIRSHNER: "SACCHARINE SMASH-UP"

Salem Saberhagen presents

THE ARCHIES

Just two years after they scored hella large with "Sugar, Sugar", the music industry regarded The Archies as an "oldies" act. Their first fifteen minutes of fame had run out, but they didn't spend any of that time sitting on their ass! Absorbing all the musical knowledge they could from veterans like Jeff Barry, Artie Kaplan, Ron Dante, Darlene Love, Nino Tempo, Aki Aleong, Geraldine Grundy and their music director Chuck Clayton, they worked hard at transforming themselves into a fo' shizzle, dope-ass Rock 'n' Roll band.

Nobody knows maximum cool like yours truly, Salem Da Katt, and The Archies were totally tight, fly and da bomb! They never opened a show if they weren't the main attraction; but who in his right mind would want to follow them? As a guitarist, Archie could give Carlos Santana a run for his money, and Jughead was a fucking master drummer. Chuck Clayton's music direction was off the hook, Deanie Grundy's concert arrangements were awesome, and Gino's staging was never less than fierce! Their set lists were always swole with Sixties Pop rockers, so maybe they were what they got accused of being: "A candy-ass Bubblegum band!" En eso caso, they were the Steppenwolf of Bubblegum - in a class by themselves!  

IMHO, The Archies were like a precious stone that got so tarnished, its true value was overlooked - until the right jeweler got hold of it. For them, that jeweler was a man they met in 1990 at the world-famous Apollo Theater; but the better part of a decade would pass before NIcholas Freund was ready to apply spit and polish to their rough diamond.

When time finally came, Big Nipsy Freund more than lived up to the faith they placed in his abilities. His background was playing Jazz, Latin and Folk music (crossing paths with fellow Folkie Geraldine Grundy in his younger days); he had no previous interest in the business side of things. All the same, dude hit the ground running! He booked The Archies into top venues all over the world, got them a shitload of press, opened a club in Riverdale called The Awesome Venue to showcase them, co-founded the Archie Records label and executive-produced all of its chart-topping product . . . 'nuff said!

Except to say that there's something to this meme about Rock star management being dominated by Gay men. The Archies are sho' nuff indebted to several booty-snatchin' dudes: Terry "Pop" Tate, the Riverdale restaurateur who encouraged Jughead and Gino's musical ambitions; Pop's former boyfriend Ziggy Butt Naked, who booked the band for their first club residency; audio wizard Alan Mayberry, who engineered their post-Kirshner hits and co-owned Archie Records; Ralfi Chingas, the producer who brought out the absolute best in them; Big Nipsy Freund, of course; and another Gay man whose identity you'll just have to guess at. ¡No te diré eso!

 

T R A P P E D !

. . . IN A ROCK CANDY GROOVE.

"saccharine smash-up"

THE YEAR 1991 (PART ONE)

ALBUM SESSIONS

SINGLES SESSIONS

EARLY JANUARY 1991

ALBUM SESSIONS
“THIS IS LOVE”
A DON KIRSHNER MUSIC PRODUCTION
THE CAPITOL TOWER, HOLLYWOOD

DON’T NEED NO BAD GIRL! 

(RITCHIE ADAMS, ALAN GORDON) 
- THIS IS LOVE LP
MAYBE I’M WRONG 

(RITCHIE ADAMS) 
- THIS IS LOVE LP
EASY GUY 

(RITCHIE ADAMS, BOB LEVINE) 
- THIS IS LOVE LP
WHAT GOES ON? 

(RITCHIE ADAMS, ALAN GORDON) 
- THIS IS LOVE LP
SHOULD ANYBODY ASK 

(RITCHIE ADAMS, BOB LEVINE) 
- THIS IS LOVE LP
THIS IS LOVE 

(RITCHIE ADAMS, BOB LEVINE) 
- single
THIS IS THE NIGHT 

(RITCHIE ADAMS, MARK BARKAN) 
- THIS IS LOVE LP
LITTLE GREEN JACKET 

(RITCHIE ADAMS, MARK BARKAN) 
- THIS IS LOVE LP
THE ARCHIES
w/ARTIE KAPLAN’S NEW YORK
Music Supervisor:

DON KIRSHNER

Arranger/Conductor: 

JOE RENZETTI
Producer: 

RITCHIE ADAMS
Sound Engineer:
ZACHARY THAXTON

January of 1991 was a high point for The Archies - what else can you call playing the Super Bowl XXV halftime show? Say what? You don't remember that?  Look it up on YouTube if you doubt me. New Kids On The Block performed a Walt Disney movie tribute that year. Halfway through the show, they sang their hit "Step By Step" and then Archie, Betty, Roni, Juggy and Gino climbed onstage as their special guests. Kevin Keller was there, too, helping out on keyboards; dude was jiggy pumped for days afterward!

Together The Archies and NKOTB performed an abbreviated version of "Sugar, Sugar" to wild applause - it's all there on videotape! That high-profile collaboration came about because both groups are from New England, and they'd known each other for a minute. In fact, Veronica and Donnie Wahlberg had dated a little bit, until Archie found out and got jealous! Everybody stayed friends, though, so it was cool.

Another high was Betty and Jughead getting married up!  Postponed from late summer due to Betty's family issues, their wedding was held at Temple Israel of Hollywood with celebrity guests in attendance. Scanning the crowd through Sabrina's magic crystal, I caught sight of Dustin Hoffman, Lenny Kravitz, George López, Tracey Ellis Ross and Carol Burnett! Fuckin' A!!!

But all that star power couldn't outshine the soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs. Forsythe Jones. They sang the ceremony from start to finish, ending with "Together We Two", The Archies' most recent single. The wedding party was dressed to slay in earth tones and silver lamé - at Veronica's suggestion, Betty hired Stephen Burrows, the King of Disco Chic for her wedding couturier. Naturally the whole band was there, with Archie serving as best man and Roni designated maid of honor. After the traditional breaking of glass and rousing shouts of l'chaim! friends and family reconvened in the ballroom at Hotel Crowne Plaza. Festivities included a rowdy horah dance that had both Betty and Juggy in hysterics!

Kevin Keller was the official wedding singer, but the newlyweds got the surprise of their lives when Roni announced a "special invited guest performer." Luther Vandross walked on stage and ¡Ay, puta madre! The place went up! Kelly's middle name is actually Luther Vandross - his mom was an avid fan, and so is he! In fact, dude modeled his own singing style after Luther's.  Young Mr. Keller damn near fainted when Roni told him The Archies were going to musically accompany his idol and asked that he sing backup vocals!

 

Mr. "Never-Too-Much" delighted the crowd with a selection of hit songs that he'd sung very early in his career: "Young Americans", "Lost In Music", "Glow Of Love", "Get It Up For Love", "Hot Butterfly" and the 1978 Disco smash "Le Freak." You'd best believe that last number got everybody up on their feet and shakin' some nalga! Luther sang for less than an hour, but the dancing and partying lasted well into the next morning. Did I mention that a certain Don Kirshner did not attend? Dude was "conspicuous by his absence", as they used to say.

Stellar events aside, early 1991 was mostly a downer for The Archies. At rock-bottom was the Adams and Barkan-produced studio album that Kirshner wanted them to re-do. His demand that new songs be written ended the Adams-Barkan partnership: Mark Barkan flat-out refused and quit the Kirshner organization on the spot!  

Back after briefly attempting a solo career, Ron Dante stepped in to take Mark's place. Mr. K assigned him to help Ritchie Adams write and produce the kind of album that he wanted, but this proved to be a non-starter: Work stalled when the two of them tried and failed to collaborate on songs. "Ritchie wants a rigid division," Ron explained.  "One guy does lyrics, the other does music and there's no crossover at all.  I can't work that way!" They ended up helming two separate recording sessions.

Despite the return of Artie Kaplan’s New York as supporting musicians, The Archies' THIS IS LOVE CD wasn’t a throwback to 1989. If only it had been! Mr. K called in replacement writers to pen lyrics for Ritchie Adams's new melodies, and the results were fair to poor: Numbers like “Easy Guy”, “Don’t Need No Bad Girl” and “What Goes On?” sounded hella awkward and forced. Ritchie Adams was damn sure no amateur, but the kind of solid support that Mark Barkan had provided was glaringly absent.

Artie K contracted strings and horns to sweeten these numbers, but they were already much too sweet . . . ¡ya basta!  Veronica loves Sunshine Pop, but music dipped in saccharine has never been her taste. Babe told Ritchie flat-out: “Let Betty sing these numbers if she wants to.” Betty didn’t want to! When Kirshner visited the studio to monitor their progress, he detected the general lack of enthusiasm. Dude scolded The Archies as if they were children: “You all could show a better attitude!” That made things even worse.

 The title track was meant to be sung as a duet but Roni hated it so much, Ritchie and lyricist Bob Levine had to reimagine it as a solo for Archie. As he struggled with the lead, she watched from the engineer’s booth shaking her head. Angry that his time was being wasted on inferior material, Gino quit the sessions early, leaving overdub bass player Chuck Rainey to assume his duties. Archie seriously considered walking out, too! Privately, Zakk Thax confided to Jughead that "the magic is gone." Sixteen years would pass before he engineered another Archies session!

It was Don Kirshner’s idea to add “Little Green Jacket” and “This Is The Night” to the track lineup. He had the option of using Jeff Barry’s unreleased 1988 masters but instead he had Ritchie cut new versions. Those who’ve heard both the originals and the remakes have judged the latter suck-worthy! Archie’s disgust for Kirshner’s revamped album concept came across loud and clear in his clenched-teeth renditions.

There are people out there who consider THIS IS LOVE The Archies’ best CD, but to most of their fans it was strictly a half-assed effort: Half Adult-Contemporary, but nowhere near as good as the aborted TRACY album; half Bubblegum, but lacking the appeal of the “Archie’s Funhouse” material. 

Neither fish nor fowl, it barely qualified as a Rock recording! THIS IS LOVE was a Don Kirshner gamble that both he and the group would suffer for. Upon its release in the Summer of 1991, it died a mercifully quick death! A CD filled with warmed-over Eighties Pop was going nowhere near radio playlists that were jumpin' off to the sounds of Grunge Rock, Hip-Hop and House music.

LATE JANUARY 1991

SINGLES SESSIONS
A DON KIRSHNER MUSIC PRODUCTION
RADIO RECORDERS, HOLLYWOOD

THROW A LITTLE LOVE MY WAY 

(GENE ALLAN, RON DANTE) 
- THIS IS LOVE LP
KAROUSSEL MAN 

(RON DANTE, BOB GENGO) 
- THIS IS LOVE LP
HOLD ON TO LOVIN’ 

(GENE ALLAN, RON DANTE) 
- single flipside
LET’S GET IT ON TODAY! 

(RITCHIE ADAMS, RON DANTE) 
- unreleased
THE ARCHIES
w/ARTIE KAPLAN’S NEW YORK

Music Supervisor:

DON KIRSHNER

Arranger/Producer: 

JIMMY WISNER
Producer: 

RON DANTE
Sound Engineer: 

YESEÑA PACIFICO

It was left up to Ron Dante to cut the new Archies single, but the sides he produced mostly ended up as album tracks. Don Kirshner’s legendary “golden ears” somehow heard the execrable “This Is Love” as a hit record! Vivian Song gave it a forceful thumbs down, but the one time he should've listened to her, he didn't. "It's going to be The Archies' first proper music video," he declared, "and a runaway smash besides!" Runaway smash-up is more like it!  Both the single and the video sank like a stone in the sea. "This Is Love" ended by being the worst-selling record Kirshner Records ever put out. The video only aired once on MTV, and I strongly suspect that payola was involved!

Left languishing in the vaults was a stone-cold killer of a record: “Let’s Get It On Today!” The only song that Ritchie and Ron were able to finish when they tried writing together, it was the kind of hook-heavy number that showed both of them at their best; if this is what they were capable of, then they should've kept on collaborating! Unfortunately, just as he didn't think much of the song, Ron Dante didn't like his production of it. At least a dozen unfinished takes exist! "No matter which way we approach it," Ron complains on the session tape, "it still sounds like shit!" Convinced that he was beating a dead horse, dude gave up on the track. 

Then everybody forgot about it except one person: Nicholas "Big Nipsy" Freund! In town to attend a seminar, Big Nipsy observed the Radio Recorders session at the band's invitation. Dude thought "Let's Get It On Today!" was a winner and said so, but neither Ron Dante nor Archie could hear what he heard. Even Veronica was dismissive of the song! When they decided to shelve it, Nips was convinced that they’d let a massive hit slip through their fingers. 

Fifteen years later, Nicholas Freund was not only The Archies' manager but a partner in the indie label they recorded for. With that kind of clout, he could insist that they reconsider this discarded gem. Ron Dante was in attendance when producer Ralfi Chingas tracked a brand new version at London's Abbey Road studios - one that realized the song's full potential and bagged a Platinum record award! It just goes to show how right Mick Jagger is when he sings: You can't always get what you want/But if you try sometimes/You get what you need.

ARCHIE'S SATURDAY NIGHT 

BLAST TOUR

July 1990

Washington DC - Wolf Trap/Filene Center

Newark NJ - Sarah Vaughn Concert Hall

New York City NY - Madison Square Garden

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ARCHIE vs. DON KIRSHNER:
"the nothing painted blues"