ARCHIE vs. DON KIRSHNER: "THE NOTHING PAINTED BLUES"

Salem Saberhagen presents

THE ARCHIES

 Even with no hit records on the charts, The Archies landed some altogether decent gigs in 1991. On the West Coast, they played The Greek Theater, the Roxy nightclub and Warfield Concert Hall.  Back east, they headlined a benefit for St. Jude's Children's Hospital at what used to be called Boston Garden; and that summer they joined up with the very first Lollapalooza Festival. 

There was hella resistance to including them - "Gag me with a fucking spoon!  Who wants to hear that piece-of-shit Bubblegum band?" - but co-founder Perry Farrell was a strong advocate. Dude never missed an episode of their cartoon series if he could possibly help it! The Archies were fo' shizzle fire on that tour; they blew most of the other acts off the stage!  What's more, they had a great time and forged decades-long friendships with Farrell, Siouxsie Sioux of The Banshees, Vernon Reid of Living Colour, and all the members of Fishbone and The Butthole Surfers. 

Also that year, the band made the first of many appearances on the Echo Valley radio show, broadcast out of Shawnee Mission, Kansas.  By the time it morphed into a podcast at the turn of the century, its host Professor Bubblegum had declared The Archies his all-time favorite band! They earned his devotion with dope-ass performances of vintage Bubblegum Rock classics that he loved and championed; thanks to Veronica's near-encyclopedic knowledge of Sixties and Seventies Pop, they could play any golden oldie he requested. But dig it: While the band was making the Professor's acquaintance, Don Kirshner was busy stabbing them in the back!

 

T R A P P E D !

. . . IN A ROCK CANDY GROOVE.

"the nothing painted blues"

THE YEAR 1991 (PART TWO)

SINGLES SESSIONS

ALBUM SESSIONS

MID-JULY 1991

SINGLES SESSIONS
A DON KIRSHNER MUSIC PRODUCTION
CHEROKEE STUDIOS, HOLLYWOOD

POW WOW

(LARRY RUSSELL BROWN, SANDY LINZER)

- unreleased

LOVE IS LIVING IN YOU 

(PHIL CODY, BOB LEVINE) 
- single

BIG MAN IN TOWN

(BOB GAUDIO) 

- unreleased

SINNER MAN 

(CAROL GEORGE, ROB HEGEL)

- single flipside

NOTHING PAINTED BLUE 
(recording as THE ARCHIES)
w/THE MADHOUSE

Music Supervisor:

DON KIRSHNER

Producer: DJ KIDDIO
Sound Engineer: 

TONY BONGIOVI

Mierda Pintada d'Azúl was an immigrant Hip-Hop act from the Canary Islands, made up of two girls (Sheba Baby and Clit-O-Patra) and two guys (Sweetback and Priest). In direct translation, their Spanish name was un poquito cochino, so Don Kirshner cleaned it up: Dude renamed them Nothing Painted Blue! They were the first of several stank Rap acts he would manage and/or record. By no means were they the worst: That honor no doubt goes to Li’l Butthole . . . !putamadre mía, qué apestoso era! But NPB was definitely no asset to his artist roster.  

What Mr. K knew about Hip-Hop wouldn't fill a shot glass but dude was a gambler, after all: Somehow NPB convinced him that they had potential, so he signed them up in early 1991. Their original material was just as profane as their name, but he had no intention of cutting it. "Once I find singers that look and sound good," he bragged, "I never worry about where the songs will come from. I can always pick a hit!" Sure, if Vivian Song brought it to him! She started casting about for a début single good enough and tame enough to get NPB on the radio - remember, this was still the early Nineties. 

Bob Levine, one of the songwriters who worked on the THIS IS LOVE project dropped by her office. He had with him a new writing partner, Phil Cody.  They were both raving about a just-written song that they swore would be perfect for The Archies. "It's so new, we haven't even cut a demo of it yet," Bob admitted, "but listen how it goes." Phil sang a few bars of the tune for Vibs and urged her to imagine Veronica singing it. “Isn't that just the creamiest love ballad you've ever heard?," he insisted. "Baby, you know it is! And it's tailormade for Roni's voice."

They convinced her to let them audition it for Mr. K but they'd soon regret that they did! As far as he was concerned, The Archies were yesterday’s news. Dude had decided to wait out their contract, which ended in less than a year; until then, they were just a tax write-off! No way was he going to waste good material on them. What's more, he didn't think the song was right for Roni at all; but with certain changes, and a hot new group to sing it, he felt that “Love Is Living In You” might become a very lucrative copyright.  And of course, the group he had in mind was Nothing Painted Blue. As if!

Phil Cody and Bob Levine were horrified that Kirshner planned to give their beautiful ballad to “a goddamn bunch of Hip-Hoppers!” But that was his exact plan. Two days later, they were in the engineer’s booth at Cherokee Studios, suffering through a rehearsal. “It ain't streetwise enough,” producer DJ Kiddio told them, “but just chill. We gonna hook it up for you!” Phil later joked that he misheard the man: "He must have said 'we'll fuck it up for you.'" If you recall, Kiddio was destined to have his destructive way with The Archies' 1989 soundtrack masters; it's hard to disagree with Phil Cody's description of his production techniques!

Poor Bob saw his tender melody and stately tempo all but discarded. Phil heard his heartfelt lyric get sliced and diced into verbal mincemeat!  When NPB performed their “new arrangement” complete with faux West Coast Gangsta Rap accents, dude threw up his hands and stormed out of the room. A minute later, Bob Levine just plain threw up! All over the engineer’s console . . . the session had to be postponed.  One week later, producer and group came back and tracked a (barely) releasable master.

So . . . did Don Kirshner market “Love Is Living In You” as an Archies record in order to jumpstart the band’s career with a radical new sound?  Did he intend to use The Archies' name to break a new group and then reveal who they really were later on? Or did he actually think he could claim ownership of The Archies name and hand it over to another act?  

Nobody can say; but paired with a Rap remake of the 1978 Sarah Dash club hit “Sinner Man,” he released the CD single and was gratified when several famous Rock critics gave it an enthusiastic thumbs up. Never big fans of Archies music, these smug writers raved about the band’s “dope-ass new direction." Yadda yadda, but Rap and Rock are not the same, and fuck the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame if they think otherwise! Approval from a ghetto-glorifying music critic ain't enough to get a record added to Hip-Hop playlists. Rappers need "street cred" - something neither the real nor the fake Archies would ever have.

The West Coast Rap community weighed in on "Love Is Living In You," and damn! Shade was jumpin' off for real! Egyptian Lover called the record “cultural appropriation by bitch-ass, White, suburban motherfuckers.” Kid Frost bemoaned “ridiculous pinche rhymes from gringo fakers! Man, them Archies got the shittiest flow I ever heard.” Easy-E saw fit to cut them a little bit of slack. “My hoochies was diggin' it,” he drawled, “after they got hella fucked up on Cisco!” Ice-T trashed the single by saying: “That shit is so wack, it ain’t even worth the time it would take for me to diss it.” 

Established rappers dissed “Love Is Living In You” so bad, The Archies aka Nothing Painted Blue didn’t dare reveal themselves; they were afraid to show their faces in public! Kirshner was forced to admit that they’d become a liability and he found a way to void their recording contract. The last time anybody heard of NPB, they were rapping TV commercials for a payday loan chain out of Fresno! 

It’s been reported that Nothing Painted Blue's single is what ruined Don Kirshner’s relationship with The Archies. That's caca, because their relations were already on shaky ground. Besides that, The Archies didn't move in Hip-Hop circles. They knew nothing about “Love Is Living In You” for a long time! 

In 1993, Archie learned of its existence from members of Madhouse, a Riverdale Hip-Hop band that DJ Kiddio hired to back NPG at their sessions. Veronica had her attorney look into it. When Marsha Lodge Katzenbaum inquired of Don Kirshner about the record, he just told her it was “something that got released by mistake.” Which was nothing less than the truth!

HE’S SO FINE! 

(RONNIE MACK) 
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
STOP! LOOK! AND LISTEN 

(ELLIOT GREENBERG, DOUG MORRIS)
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
SWEET TALKIN’ GUY 

(ELLIOT GREENBERG, DOUG MORRIS)
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
NOBODY KNOWS 

(STEPHEN FRIEDLAND)
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
THE REAL THING 
(JOSHIE JO ARMSTEAD, NICKOLAS ASHFORD, 

VALERIE SIMPSON)
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
UP ON THE BRIDGE 

(ERNIE MARESCA, LOU ZERATO)
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
WHEN LOVE GOES WRONG 

(BODIE CHANDLER, BARRY DeVORZON) 
- single flipside
EASY TO LOVE 

(GERRY GOFFIN, CAROLE KING)
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
ONE FINE DAY 

(GERRY GOFFIN, CAROLE KING) 
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW 
(ELLIOT GREENBERG, DOUG MORRIS)
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
OPEN YOUR EYES 

(ERNIE MARESCA)
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
TONIGHT, I’M GONNA DREAM AGAIN 
(STEPHEN FRIEDLAND, CHARLOTTE PARSON) 
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND 
(JEFF BARRY, ELLIE GREENWICH, 

HANK MEDRESS) 
- single
WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH YOU? 

(GERRY GOFFIN, RUSS TITLEMAN)* 
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
DREAM, DREAM, DREAM 

(JIMMY CURTISS, ERNIE MARESCA)** 
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
TEACH ME HOW 

(CAROLE BAYER-SAGER, NEIL SEDAKA)*** 
- SHE’S SO FINE LP
VERONICA LODGE
w/THE ARCHIES
w/KEVIN KELLER

w/THE APOLLO THEATER ORCHESTRA

Music Supervisor:

DON KIRSHNER

Vocal Arranger:

ELLIE GREENWICH

Arranger/Conductor:

ROD MACK

Producer:

BOB CREWE

Sound Engineers: 

GEORGE SCHOWERER, BOB CLIFFORD

Executive Producer:

VERONICA LODGE

The Archies' 1991 summer tour may have been cancelled but there was still enough demand to justify one. An unscrupulous promoter saw an opportunity and took advantage, sending not one, not two, but three bogus groups out on the road!  It was mad crazy, because these musicians looked nothing like The Archies - they were mostly Black and Latino! Even crazier - fans didn't seem to care. They flocked to see the fakes, and that crook promoter was raking in the Benjamins until Don Kirshner sic'd a law firm on his ass. Mr. K had every reason to reconsider cancelling that summer tour, but he didn't; dude just let demand for live Archies music go unsatisfied! The band tried to confront Kirshner, but Vivian Song talked them down: "I know how you feel, but it wouldn't do any good. Don't waste your time!"

The Archies found themselves at an impasse with their manager. They'd finally gotten hip to the conflicts-of-interests written into their contract, and what with all of the product licensing, they knew that they weren't pulling the kind of compensation they deserved. As for their royalty rate, it was totalmente de mierda! 

Now their high-profile concert bookings had chilled; and since the cartoon series had kicked their music to the curb, they weren't getting promoted anymore. No new recording or video dates had been scheduled because Ritchie Adams hadn't brought them any worthwhile material. Meanwhile, several CDs worth of excellent tracks were left sitting on the shelf!

They started talking to Don Kirshner about getting out of their contract. The band was ready for a new label, and they desperately wanted new management but dude refused to let them go! And he wouldn't budge an inch on marketing any of the unreleased masters, as Vibs learned the hard way. When she brought him ONCE IN A LIFETIME, her own Archies album concept collecting the best leftover tapes from 1989, all she got for her effort was hurt feelings; he threw her demo in the trash! Babe never tried to intervene again.

It was no coincidence when Diana Ross + The Supremes' hit "You Keep Me Hangin' On" entered the band's stage repertoire that year. Deanie Grundy came up with a dope-ass arrangement, but Chuck Clayton thought the song was too downbeat for them. Archie gave him the 411: "We're totally feeling those lyrics right now, Chuckii! Besides, Roni loves vintage Motown and that ballad is a good showcase for her."

The success of “Sugar, Sugar” notwithstanding, Ram Lodge was never happy about his daughter going out on the road with a band. However, dude knew how much Roni's heart was set on making music so he reconciled himself to that reality. All the same, Ram repeatedly urged her to launch a solo act with his financial backing. Babe brushed those offers aside, until Don Kirshner surprised her by suggesting that she go solo as well!

 Long before 1991, Jughead was a force of nature at the microphone; and not only can Betty bring it like Stevie Nicks, babe is a booty-licious blonde who sits on the damn Titty Committee!!! Maybe Mr. K didn’t like their sound for The Archies, but what stopped him from tapping them as a duet act, or even as solo artists? They used to call him “The Man With The Golden Ears,” but sometimes you’d swear he was deaf, dumb and blind! Dude could only see superstar potential in Veronica. I'm not saying it wasn't there, but it wasn't as in-your-face as Betty's and Juggy's.

If you think Roni Lodge is the type to walk out on her friends, then you don't know her as well as you think you do! Babe was conflicted. She decided to take the matter up with the rest of the band. Their reaction was unexpected, and summed up by Gino: “We know Donnie isn’t interested in recording us anymore. The Archies’ fifteen minutes of fame may have come and gone; but if one of us has another shot at the brass ring, why should the others stand in the way?” As if to underscore his point, dude announced that he was quitting the group in order to take his own shot! Reggie Mantle left with his bandmates' blessings, and so would Veronica if that's what she wanted.  But what did she want? 

 

Babe agreed to record solo sides for Kirshner Records, but she set conditions: 1) She wasn't leaving The Archies, just shakin' some action on the side. 2) She preferred an album deal to a singles deal. 3) She wanted a guarantee that her album would be released and not shelved! 4) Whether or not she signed with Kirshner long-term would depend on how well the album sold. 5) She wanted total creative control, which meant choosing her début album’s theme, the producer, the arranger, the session musicians and the studio, too, and 6) that meant she'd be the executive producer!  Even though Don Kirshner would retain his usual "music supervisor" credit.

 
Mr. K accepted these conditions mostly because of his friendship with Ram Lodge, but there was another reason, too. Haven't you guessed?  He harbored a secret “jones” for Veronica! Word, dude was hard up for her rich girl booty before she even auditioned for The Archies! Babe was no fool; she was hip to the situation, but she decided to use it to her advantage - all the while keeping Mr. K at arm’s length!

Roni adored Sixties Girl Groups; before tracking sessions, she, Archie and Kevin Keller would warm up their voices singing Crystals, Ronettes and Shangri-Las oldies in the studio lounge. Babe knew who all the best groups were as well as the best songwriters and producers. At the top of the group list was The Chiffons, a Bronx quartet who scored a chart-topper right out of the box with 1963’s “He’s So Fine.” That iconic single inspired her album title. 

At the top of Roni’s list of best producers were two music biz heavyweights: Bob Crewe and Ellie Greenwich. As a producer, Mr. C had worked with the likes of Lesley Gore, Diane Renay, Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon and Mitch Ryder + The Detroit Wheels, not to mention cranking out hit after hit for Frankie-fucking-Valli and The Four Seasons! Dude was to Rock 'n' Roll what George M. Cohan had been to Broadway musicals. 

And when it came to songwriters, nobody came close to Bob Crewe's frequent Sixties collaborator Ellie G, who penned "Hanky Panky", "Doo Wah Diddy Diddy" and a bunch of other classic Pop rockers with ex-hubby (and former Archies producer) Jeff Barry! However, Bob and Ellie's individual résumés didn't impress Roni as much as their production work on her favorite Broadway recording: Leader Of The Pack. "It's only the best jukebox musical cast album ever," she declared.

That's why the first Veronica Lodge solo album was a Chiffons tribute produced by Bob Crewe, with Ellie G as vocal arranger. It was tracked in New York City at the world-famous Power Station, just like that 1985 cast album she adored. Roni and Bob were both headstrong personalities, and occasional clashes were inevitable; but once babe saw how he paid attention to the tiniest detail, she wisely backed off. Nothing earned her respect like his kind of perfectionist genius! Even though dude was based in California at this time, he flew back to NYC for the chance to work with Miss Ellie again. 

Much to Don Kirshner's displeasure, Roni chose The Archies as her studio musicians - and when she augmented them with the Apollo Theater Orchestra, he was even less pleased! In 1990, The Archies had gigged at The Apollo behind his back.  Much to his surprise, they'd become the sensation of a Motown music festival, but instead of celebrating their triumph, dude fumed at them!  Playing a famous Soul venue would "ruin their Pop image," he scolded. Now he protested to Veronica: "Why the hell do you want to use those chit'lin circuit musicians? Artie Kaplan's guys sound ten times better!" But he'd given her his word, so what she wanted she got!

Big Nipsy Freund had been the Apollo's music director when The Archies were there, but now their orchestra was led by his right-hand man: A mad hot guitarist, vocalist and arranger named Rod Mack. Not only had the group met and befriended Rod, they'd just played on some tracks for his solo album ROCK-A MY SOUL. He was the first artist they ever backed in the studio - and there wouldn't be many!

Cast album music director Jimmy Vivino wasn't available to book, so Rod stood in for him and ending up writing all the band arrangements, too. Bob was hella impressed by his skills (which he learned even more about later, after he invited the sexy Black stud into his bed - sookie, sookie, now)! 

At Veronica's request, Kevin Keller was also part of the studio crew; the background vocal harmonies he created with Ellie Greenwich were nothing less than fabulosos! Kelly also doubled Roni on keyboards and helped Rod, Betty and Juggy recreate the unique Spanish Harlem-cum-Brill Building percussion sound of vintage Girl Group records. Under Bob Crewe's supervision, that rhythm section was pure fire! 

SHE'S SO FINE was one of only two Archies projects recorded in The Big Apple (the other one, an EP called SEDAKA JUNCTION, will be tracked in the year 2028). The single pulled from it was “I Have A Boyfriend,” with a music video filmed in London. That's where comedienne Tracey Ullman heard it. "Bullocks!" she declared. "I thought that was something I'd recorded me damn self!"  She wasn't the only one who made that mistake: Veronica’s singing style was remarkably close to hers! What's more, Tracey's “They Don’t Know” just happened to be the song Roni had sung at her Archies audition.

“Boyfriend” didn’t get much stateside airplay, but the British star’s effusive praise helped it rise high in the UK Pop listings. Miss Roni Lodge bagged herself a Top Ten record "across the pond!" Don Kirshner was rubbing his hands together with fiendish delight: Now that babe had a hit single under her belt, signing her to a solo artist’s contract was a sure thing; and then he'd get what he really wanted from her . . . a piece of dat ass!  Or so he thought.

ARCHIE'S SATURDAY NIGHT 

BLAST TOUR

July 1990

Providence RI 

- Providence Performing Arts Center

Boston MA - Boston Gardens

Anchorage AK - Sullivan Arena

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ARCHIE vs. DON KIRSHNER:
"showdown @ the el pendejo"