ARCHIE vs. DON KIRSHNER: "SHOWDOWN @ THE EL PENDEJO"

Salem Saberhagen presents

THE ARCHIES

Mary Elizabeth Cooper and Veronica Yvette Lodge were friends before joining The Archies - Betty gave moral support to Roni at her audition - but at the time they were also rivals for Archie's attention. Roni was always his favorite, but Betty could turn his ginger cabeza and did so more often than not!  This could've been a recipe for major in-group bitch fights, but after she joined The Archies it was Betty's cabeza that got turned - by Jughead! So she and Roni never had the kind of fraught relationship that some female bandmates have. They were the newbies, and they bonded over a shared challenge: To prove themselves worthy as females alongside the male charter members.

Betty and especially Veronica changed the sound of The Archies. Roni replaced Gino as the main harmony voice behind Archie and sang an occasional lead. She also brought in a strong Pop/Rock sensibility that hadn't been there before: Songs like "Hitchin' A Ride", "I Think We're Alone Now" "Cinnamon" and "Elephant Candy" were added to the set list at her insistence. Initially stuck behind a keyboard, Veronica soon switched to keytar and joined Archie front-and-center as the group's focal point. 

Betty sure wasn't standing in her shadow, though: She had the horndog contingent of fans firmly in her back pocket - and I do mean "back"!  Babe sported the juiciest White girl booty since Agnetha from ABBA, and dem tig bitties were happening, too! All of her charms got a proper workout when she took over lead vocals at the climax of  "Hanky Panky" - Babe would dance The Kid Floss while smacking her sexy self in the butt with that tambourine!  You would actually see men drooling at her.

But Veronica was the lady who triggered that kind of reaction in Don Kirshner! Early on, he conceived a plan to spin her off as a solo act. Once the fanfare around The Archies had cooled down, dude busted that move! My homegirl Sabrina the Sorceress knows Roni Lodge-Andrews much better than I do, but I know her well enough to tell you this: Babe was never, ever interested in pursuing a solo career - not if it meant leaving The Archies! Singing with a band, and more to the point, choosing music for the band to play and record - that's what turns Roni the fuck on! 

So . . . her 1991 solo album SHE'S SO FINE and her hit British single "I Have A Boyfriend" require a little bit of unpacking. I also need to tell you about The Archies' recordings from 1992 (most of them either unreleased or not released under their name) because those tracks are directly related to Roni's solo output. The backdrop to it all is a love triangle, but I betcha it's not the one you're expecting!

T R A P P E D !

. . . IN A ROCK CANDY GROOVE.

"showdown @ the el pendejo"

THE YEAR 1992

(PART ONE)

ALBUM SESSIONS

SINGLES SESSIONS

EARLY APRIL 1992

ALBUM SESSIONS
“UNTITLED”
A RON DANTE PRODUCTION
THE BUNGALOW, NASSAU

HERE COMES MY BABY 

(CAT STEVENS) 

- unreleased
BANDALALA 

(WES FARRELL, EDDIE SINGLETON) 

- unreleased
STEPHANNY 

(JOHN HENNING, RICHARD KLEIN, 

DAVID PRICE) 

- unreleased
SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED! 
(LULA MAE HARDAWAY, LEE GARRETT, 

STEVIE WONDER, SYREETA WRIGHT) 
- unreleased
CARRIE-ANN 

(THE HOLLIES) 

- unreleased
I AM A ROCK 

(PAUL SIMON) 

- unreleased
KILLER JOE 

(BERT BERNS, STAN KAHAN, PHIL MEDLEY) 

- unreleased
TIME WON’T LET ME 

(CHET KELLEY, TOM KING) 

- unreleased
THE RAPPER 

(DONNIE IRIS) 

- unreleased
EXPRESSWAY TO YOUR HEART 

(KENNY GAMBLE, LEON HUFF) 

- unreleased
GIRL WATCHER 

(RON KILLETTE, WAYNE PITTMAN) 

- unreleased
LOVE MAKES A WOMAN 
(CARL DAVIS, EUGENE RECORD, 

SONNY SANDERS, GERALD SIMS) 
- unreleased
LAST-MINUTE MIRACLE 

(GERALD HARRIS, GEORGE KERR) 

- unreleased
STONED LOVE 

(KENNY THOMAS, FRANK WILSON) 

- unreleased
STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN 

(PHILLIP MITCHELL) 

- unreleased
MY PLEDGE OF LOVE 

(JOE STAFFORD, JR) 

- unreleased
THE ARCHIES
w/TOWER OF POWER
w/KEVIN KELLER
Music Supervisor:

DON KIRSHNER

Music Director: 

ARCHIE ANDREWS

Arrangers: 

THE ARCHIES
Producer:

RON DANTE
Sound Engineer: 

RHETT VALENTYNE

Despite positive critical reaction, sales for Veronica’s solo album weren’t spectacular. That didn't stop a besotted Don Kirshner from offering her a long-term contract any damn way; but much to his surprise, she turned it down! “It’s all well and good to have a hit single in the UK,” she sniffed, “but aren't North American sales what really count?  What the hell happened on this side of the Atlantic? With bitchin' songs and the best production staff money can buy, I should’ve had a Top Five album and at least a Top Ten single in my own country. If that's the kind of promotion I can expect as a female vocal star on Kirshner Records, then no thanks, sugar!”

 
Roni Lodge always was sly as a fox! Like I told you: Babe was never interested in a solo deal. Right from the start, she was playing cat-and-mouse with Mr. K! Her goal was to rekindle his interest in The Archies, and she figured the best way to do that was to show how commercial they could be with her picking the songs and singing all the leads! That's why she insisted on using them as her studio musicians.

And Veronica used herself as the bait in this mousetrap; she literally lured Don Kirshner right up to the bedroom door! Dude was burning up for her - both her singing talent and her cuerpo delicioso - and didn't she know it!  Babe wrapped Kirshner around her finger so tight, it nearly cut off the blood supply. Using what they used to call feminine wiles, as well as hella potent negotiating skills inherited from her dad, she maneuvered him into doing what she wanted. Despite his best judgment, Mr. K found himself promising to record The Archies again!

 So Roni Lodge was aware of Don Kirshner's intentions toward her, but was Archie? Fo' shizzle, although it did take him longer to catch on.  Not that he ever considered Kirshner a threat - he knows Roni's taste in men, and Mr. K didn't even come close to it! When he saw her flirting with him, he understood that there had to be a method to her madness. He also knew it was futile to try and stop Roni when she'd made up her mind to do something! All the same, the thought of that viejo rabo verde slobbering over his woman filled him with rage - the kind of blow-the-fucking-lid-off rage that made it impossible for him to remain a Kirshner Records artist! The end wouldn't be long in coming, either.

Mr. K made an appointment for The Archies to meet him at Pendejo's Mexican Cocina in West Hollywood. He said he wanted to discuss a “brand new musical direction” for them. Archie was hip to what he had in mind, and dude wasn't down with it! “That toupée-wearing son-of-a-bitch thinks he can bribe us into becoming another Partridge Family," he snarled. "And he's tacky enough to try it with Tequila shots and gourmet fish tacos!" Jughead quipped: "There are worse ways to be bribed!" Archie wasn't in the mood for humor: "Fuck that shit!” He telephoned Vivian Song and informed her that the group had “a prior engagement.” Then he proceeded to engage them himself by taking matters into his own hands.

  
“You stupid hothead!” Roni warned him. “You’re going to make everything worse.” But dude didn't feature becoming Neil Giraldo to her Pat Benatar; Archie was still the bandleader, and nothing was going to stop him from asserting creative control over his music! Using his own money, he booked record dates at a studio in the Caribbean, as far away from Don Kirshner’s influence as he could get! The Archies and Kevin Keller took a working vacation in The Bahamas, and there, under his direction, they began cutting yet another Soul music album.

A week later, Tower of Power's horn ensemble, ex-member Reggie "Gino" Mantle and producer Ron Dante got roped into these secret sessions, too. Just to be clear, Ron was never a Kirshner Records staffer; dude was a freelancer, which meant he could work with anybody he wanted to. Mr. K couldn't stop him getting involved with what promised to be a very special Archies project! As for Gino, he couldn't resist going on a free Caribbean vacation - who could? But the infectious groove he found waiting for him in Nassau was so down, it made him reconsider quitting The Archies!

 The tropical environment seemed to bring out the best in the band: Everybody was swapping instruments, trading licks, improvising parts and contributing ideas. The Archies created "head" music arrangements like the cats down in Nashville used to do! There wasn't any written music at all. Not even the later Kirshner sessions with Jeff Barry and Neil Brian Goldberg had been so loose and free; Archie thought he’d died and gone to a stoned Soul picnic in Heaven! He and Ron Dante chose the material, all of which was Pop/Soul-oriented and dating back to the late 1960s or early ‘70s.

 
Veronica was slated to sing lead on most if not all of these selections. That’s what she'd gotten Don Kirshner to agree to but predictably, Arch rebelled against that mandate! Dude ended up assigning songs based on who he thought would perform them best. It was a sore point between him and Roni until she heard how excellent the music they were making sounded on playback. Seeing how much it meant to him softened her attitude, too. At the end of the day, Archie's future wife was always going to be in his corner!

The new album had no title. It was raw, spontaneous and totally fresh - a firme song collection that was even better than what Ritchie Adams and Mark Barkan had conceived. But just like that aborted SPEAK YOUR MIND CD, it was guaranteed to get a “thumbs down” from Don Kirshner! Never mind the high quality of the music - dude was pissed that The Archies had brushed aside his olive branch! Nothing that they brought him would've been good enough.

The Archies returned to the USA by way of México, stopping to play several impromptu gigs. Archie was anxious to try out the new material on audiences and he was elated by the positive response! Years later, Veronica would remember these Mexican concerts and be inspired to name the belatedly-released album ARCHIE'S CHICANO OLDIES. Most of the shows were free admission, prompting Gino to complain: "Why the fuck are we giving our shit away? Even a whore gets paid!" An indignant Roni scolded him: "Speak for yourself, Reginald! We certainly aren't whores. We're venture capitalists, making an investment!" That investment would pay off, too, in the form of a devoted Latin-American fan base!

 
When The Archies finally got back to Hollywood, Don Kirshner scheduled a second meeting at El Pendejo's. Archie urged Jughead to disregard a ban on bringing Hot Dog along, knowing full well that Kirshner was scared of large dogs! "It'll put that bitch-ass bastard off his guard," he snickered.  The atmosphere was hella tense from the moment The Archies walked in the place! Vivian Song was waiting at the door, and she advised them to leave Hot Dog outside. "I'm not going to lock him in the car!" Juggy countered. "Besides, doesn't this restaurant allow pets?" For celebrity customers it did indeed, and The Archies still fit that profile! After Jug assured the hostess that his shaggy companion was always well-behaved, puppy was admitted. 

The waitress led them to a banquet room where Don Kirshner was waiting impatiently. Just as Archie had hoped, dude got panicky at the sight of Hot Dog! There was some back-and-forth but Betty pleaded: "Please let him stay, Donnie! Our cartoon series did made him a star, you know." Veronica agreed, kneeling down to throw protective arms around the big white furball: "That's right, Donniekins! Hot Dog is as much a member of The Archies as the rest of us." Roni could still charm Kirshner, up to a point! "Don't let him lay under the table," he demanded. "I want him visible at all times!" 

Then Mr. K sat in stoned silence while The Archies played him and his secretary their Nassau master tape. You could always tell when Vivian Songg liked a piece of music - babe got a dreamy look in her eyes, as if she were a thousand miles away! Vibs got that look almost as soon as the tape started playing, but it vanished bien pronto when she felt her boss's eyes glaring at her! Just before the last two tracks finished playing, he gave her another angry glare and she switched off the tape machine. 

Archie tried to stop her: "Hold up, Vibs! There's a single, too. You may be missing the best part!" With Kevin Keller doing the vocal arrangements, Betty had sung lead on "Last-Minute Miracle” while Arch and Gino had teamed up on a powerhouse remake of Paul Simon's "I Am A Rock." Both had Wall Of Sound remixes reminiscent of the BUTT NAKED BEACH PARTY soundtrack and were dope-ass performances besides - a potential double A-side! But Kirshner refused to listen any longer. “Even if Veronica was singing every track,” he scowled, “this kind of sound is NOT my vision for The Archies, and it never will be.” 

When Archie heard that statement, ¡ay, puta!  There was no way to avoid a jumpin' off situation! Dude had simmered on a slow burn from the moment he laid eyes on Kirshner again. Now he jumped to his feet and slammed a clenched fist down on table. “Well, guess what?" he yelled. "Your vision is not MY vision - but it’s MY band!  And Veronica is MY GIRL!  Starting right here and now, I'm calling the shots. YOU'RE FIRED, MOTHERFUCKER!!!” 

At the impact of Archie's fist, a basket of tortilla chips and a container of guacamole dip went flying!  Most of the contents landed on Mr. K's head! Excited by both the drama and the novel sight of green goo dripping down a man's face, Hot Dog started barking non-stop. This freaked Mr. K out completely! Dude beat a hasty retreat from the banquet room with Vivian Song rushing after him - toasted white corn crunching underfoot with every step! A bewildered Betty wanted to know: "What do we do now?" With his nose buried in the restaurant menu, her husband Juggy replied: "Might as well eat. I'll have the steak enchildada combo."

To paraphrase that old nursery rhyme: All the king's caballos and all his caballeros couldn't put them back together again! But Ron Dante did try. The week of April 26, 1992, he and arranger Jimmy Wisner took the Nassau album master and a Hollywood chamber music group called Sonora Rosa into Radio Recorders. They overdubbed strings onto most of the selections.

 
This sweetening came as a total surprise to Archie and Veronica when they heard the master tape years later, but it didn't take long for them to guess why it was there: Ron had wanted to increase the chances of Don Kirshner approving the CD for release. So much so that dude paid for those string overdubs out of his own pocket! Of course, it was a waste of time; the album with no title never even got assigned a catalog number! However, we're talking about The Archies, so release of a "lost" Soul recording was all but inevitable.

That release, executive-produced by my homies The New Archies, will come in the year 2048. Christened ARCHIE'S CHICANO OLDIES and pressed on a Mexican flag picture disc, it'll be one of those instant collector's items. OLDIES will top the Catalog Album charts - but the sleeve isn't the one Archie intended it to have, and those 1992 sound mixes will sound hella dated! Reggaetón star Babalú Torres will have remixed the tracks for an aborted 2015 release, but those versions won't see light of day until 2076. 

If you happen to rock an extended lifespan like I do, spring for that later pressing. In addition to the Babalú mixes, it's got the right cover photo - my favorite one of The Archies, looking mucho chingón in Zoot Suit threads! Archie had that picture taken in the parking lot of Pendejo's Mexican Cocina - I think it was his way of saying bésame el culo to Don Kirshner!

MAY 24 - 29, 31, 1992

SINGLES SESSIONS
A RON DANTE PRODUCTION
RADIO RECORDERS, HOLLYWOOD

I LOVE YOU 

(ELLIE GREENWICH, MIKE RASHKOW) 
- unreleased
PETULA DOES PARIS:

L'AGENT SECRET

(GEORGES ABER, PETULA CLARK)

UN MAL POUR UN BIEN

(GEORGES ABER, PETULA CLARK)

LE COEUR QUI BAT

(GEORGES ABER, PETULA CLARK)

DANS LE TRAIN DE NUIT

(PETULA CLARK, PIERRE COUR)

LAS VEGAS

(PETULA CLARK, PIERRE DELANOE,

GUY MAGENTA)

LA MER EST COMME TOI

(GEORGES ABER, PETULA CLARK)

- unreleased

PLUMB CRAZY 

(RON DANTE) 
- single flipside*
STRANGERS IN THE MORNING 

(RON DANTE, HOWIE GREENFIELD) 
- single*
THE ARCHIES
w/KEVIN KELLER
Music Supervisor:

DON KIRSHNER

Music Director:

CHUCK CLAYTON

Arrangers: 

GERALDINE GRUNDY, *JIMMY WISNER
Producer: 

RON DANTE
Executive Producers: 

THE ARCHIES
Sound Engineer: 

YESEÑA PACIFICO

Executive Producer:

VERONICA LODGE

It took a few weeks for tempers to cool down, but in late spring The Archies started negotiating to buy out their management and recording contract. There was no other path forward!  Don Kirshner cut them no slack at all; dude claimed ownership of the Nassau master even though Archie had funded the entire project his damn self!  

What's more, Kirshner’s lawyers determined that the band owed his company one more single. At least Archie got free reign to do what he wanted in the studio: Mr. K left him and Veronica totally to their own devices. He budgeted a small amount of money for the sessions but otherwise had no involvement. There wasn't enough money for a music video; dude didn't even buy any ad space in Billboard! 

Archie brought Chuck Clayton back as music director, with Deanie Grundy arranging - they'd been support musicians on the live dates for "Archie's Funhouse," but this was the only Kirshner Records release that they worked on in a production capacity. However, they had nothing to do with the song selection! Neither did Archie nor Ron Dante, coming back to produce the group one last time. Veronica pulled rank! 

Roni still felt that she could steer The Archies in a more commercial direction; privately, she agreed with Don Kirshner that the Nassau material wasn't right for them. However, that's as far as their agreement went: Never a modest type, babe believed her "golden ear" was every bit as good as his! "Since Donnie's done with promoting us," she noted, "the songs that we do on this date need to be strong enough to get airplay on their own merit. Let me pick them this time - remember, 'I Have A Boyfriend' was my pick for a single and it broke big."

Babe chose all four of the selections they recorded and claimed another executive producer credit for her trouble! Her song choices were very strong. They included a duet with Archie and a solo side that Kirshner could have marketed as two separate singles. However, when “I Love You” (a gift from Ellie Greenwich) and the excellent "Petula Does Paris" (finally put on tape nearly three years after Billy Ward and Deanie Grundy conceived it) got shelved, it was her turn to be surprised. Babe didn't figure on Mr. K being in payback mode: Dude craved venganza on her ass for spurning his advances!

 

That left the tropical fruit-flavored “Plumb Crazy” as a single candidate.  A Ron Dante composition, it captured some of the magic of “Sugar, Sugar” and was an obvious next best choice. Spiteful like a petulant burro, Don Kirshner chose to bury it on the flipside of a Country ballad called “Strangers In The Morning.” Chuck Clayton loved this Ron Dante/Howie Greenfield song - he'd have chosen it his damn self - but if Soul music was the wrong choice for The Archies, hillbilly music made even less sense. 

No disrespect: "Strangers" was Grade-A duet material for Arch and Roni, but no way was it gonna get played on hillbilly radio! The early Nineties was the era of  "country hunks" - young White male vocalists with starched cowboy hats, tight blue jeans and gleaming Colgate smiles! That's all Nashville was interested in back then. With Betty on lead vocals, the group could and would release commercial Country music in later years; but this wasn’t the right time, it wasn’t the right song, and it damn sure wasn’t the right record label.

 The Archie's final single on Kirshner Records tumbled into the open grave Don Kirshner had dug for it! The session aftermath left a bitter taste in Veronica's mouth but she learned a valuable lesson: The next time babe brought her "golden ear" to bear on an Archies record date, she needed to be in full control. One month later - exactly four years after they began tracking songs for their cartoon series - Archie, Betty, Juggy, Gino and Roni bought out the remainder of their Kirshner Records contract and were set free to seek their own fortunes.

ARCHIE'S SATURDAY NIGHT 

BLAST TOUR

August 1990

Honolulu HI - The Waikiki Shell

Hampton Beach NH - Club Casino

Baltimore MD - Baltimore Civic Center

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ARCHIE vs. DON KIRSHNER:
"becoming miss beehive"