SABRINA THE SORCERESS:
DEEP IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS OF REGGIE MANTLE LIES A STORY TOO FANTASTIC TO BELIEVE; BUT YOU MUST BELIEVE IT, BECAUSE IT REALLY DID HAPPEN! MY NAME IS SABRINA. SOME PEOPLE KNOW ME AS A FAMOUS MUSIC PRODUCER. OTHERS KNOW ME AS THE ALL-POWERFUL WITCH QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSAL REALM! I KNOW ALL THAT IS, ALL THAT WAS, AND ALL THAT WILL BE ABOUT THE ARCHIES AND THEIR FRIENDS. GAZE DEEPLY INTO MY CRYSTAL BALL, IF YOU DARE. SCENES OF BRILLIANT SPECTACLE AND GLAMOROUS ELEGANCE AWAIT YOUR CURIOUS EYES; BUT BE WARNED! SO DOES . . .
THE BIG HURT
A SEQUEL TO “THE FREAKING OUT
OF GERALDINE GRUNDY”
CHAPTER TWO:
“SOPHISTICATED BRAWN”
THE TIME: SEPTEMBER 1913
THE PLACE: NEW YORK CITY
THE NARRATOR: EL NINJA
RESOLVING TO FOLLOW SISTER ISABELLE’S ADVICE, I WALKED, HITCH-HIKED, STOWED AWAY AND BARTERED MY WAY FROM OKLAHOMA TO THE EAST COAST. SIX MONTHS LATER, I WAS A SCARED BUT DETERMINED CHEROKEE BOY, SCUFFLING TO SURVIVE IN NEW YORK CITY! THERE WERE NO CHILD LABOR LAWS THEN, SO I GOT A JOB WORKING AS A (BARELY) TEENAGE LABORER IN THE GARMENT DISTRICT.
I SAVED THE SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY I MADE AND ONE DAY, I PAID TO GO SEE A VAUDEVILLE SHOW. THERE WERE NOVELTY ACTS, JOKES AND SINGING AND DANCING; BUT I COULDN’T ENJOY THE PERFORMANCES. FOR ONE THING, I WAS STILL WORRIED ABOUT MY BROTHER DANTE. FOR ANOTHER, I WAS TOO BUSY THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I WANTED TO BE UP THERE ON STAGE, TOO! I WENT BACK SEVERAL TIMES, AND KEPT MY EYES AND EARS OPEN.
EVENTUALLY, I FOUND OUT WHERE AND WHEN THE PRODUCERS HELD AUDITIONS. I WASN’T SCARED; I WOULD DANCE FOR ANYBODY @ THE DROP OF A HAT! I MARCHED RIGHT INTO THEIR OFFICE, BOLD AS YOU PLEASE! AND I IGNORED SISTER ISABELLE’S WARNING: I PROUDLY TOLD THEM THAT I WAS NATIVE-AMERICAN. IN FACT, I PERFORMED AUTHENTIC NATIVE DANCES @ MY AUDITION.
THEY LIKED ME, BUT THEY DIDN’T WANT AUTHENTICITY. THEY DIRECTED ME TO DO FAKE “INDIAN” STEPS, HOPPING AROUND AND MAKING IDIOTIC NOISES THROUGH CUPPED HANDS. I RESISTED, BUT THEY WOULDN’T HIRE ME UNLESS I DANCED THE WAY THEY WANTED!
SO I WAS @ THEIR MERCY. THEY PUT ME IN A “WILD WEST” ENSEMBLE WITH A BUNCH OF WHITE GUYS DRESSED AS COWBOYS AND GUNFIGHTERS. I HAD TO WEAR BUCKSKINS AND A CHIEF’S FULL HEADDRESS; I FELT LIKE A FOOL AND A FRAUD! WHITE AUDIENCES GUFFAWED @ ME, AND I REBELLED: I STARTED DOING REAL CHEROKEE DANCES ON STAGE, BUT THEY STOPPED LAUGHING AND STARTED BOOING. SOON AFTERWARD, I GOT FIRED!
DEJECTED AND ANGRY, TOO, I WAS HEADED BACK TO THE GARMENT DISTRICT. AS I WAS LEAVING THE THEATER, THE MANAGER OF ANOTHER ACT IN THE SHOW APPROACHED ME. HER NAME WAS MRS. SUZUKI, BUT EVERYBODY CALLED HER “MAMA SHELLY”. SHE HAD A GROUP OF EXHIBITION WRESTLERS, AND ONE OF THEM HAD JUST QUIT DUE TO AN INJURY.
“YOU’RE BUILT SOLID,” MAMA TOLD ME, FEELING MY MUSCLES. “COME INTO MY TROUPE, RED MAN! WE’LL TEACH YOU HOW TO WRESTLE, AND YOU WON’T HAVE TO DO THOSE SILLY DANCES ANYMORE.”
NO, BUT I WOULD HAVE TO DARKEN MY SKIN WITH SOME KIND OF MUDDY MAKE-UP SHE’D CONCOCTED! STILL, I AGREED; IT HAD TO BE BETTER THAN PLAYING COWBOYS AND INDIANS FOR SLAPSTICK! BESIDES, I REMEMBERED HOW MUCH I LOVED WATCHING NATIVE WRESTLERS AS A LITTLE BOY. THAT’S WHEN I BEGAN TO KNOW I WAS ATTRACTED TO BOTH SEXES!
MAMA’S TRAINING WAS ROUGH, BUT I DIDN’T MIND GETTING KNOCKED AROUND; I GAVE BACK AS GOOD AS I GOT! SHE LET ME DESIGN AN AUTHENTIC CHEROKEE COSTUME TO WRESTLE IN, AND BEFORE I KNEW IT, I’D BECOME THE STAR OF HER SHOW! MY LOINCLOTH WAS PRETTY DARING FOR THOSE DAYS, AND I ALWAYS APPROACHED WRESTLING WITH A DANCER’S SENSIBILITY. I WAS VERY CONSCIOUS OF HOW I LOOKED WHEN I MOVED IN THE RING.
BUT THAT’S WHEN EVERYTHING TURNED SOUR: THE OTHER WRESTLERS GOT JEALOUS, AND THEY STARTED CALLING ME RACIST NAMES ON STAGE: “BUFFALO JOCKEY”, “FEATHERHEAD,” “PRAIRIE NIGGER”. THIS ENCOURAGED THE AUDIENCE TO DO THE SAME, AND EVERY SHOW BECAME A NIGHTMARE! TOO LATE, I REALIZED THAT SISTER ISABELLE WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE NEED TO HIDE MY HERITAGE.
MAMA SHELLY’S TEENAGE WRESTLING SAVAGE!
ALL THE SAME, OUR WRESTLING SHOW WAS THE TOP VAUDEVILLE ATTRACTION. IN FACT, IT BECAME SO POPULAR, MAMA SHELLY DECIDED TO LEAVE THE TOUR. “SHIT! WHY SHOULD I SETTLE FOR A FRACTION OF PROFIT? WE CAN MAKE MORE MONEY GOING OUT ON OUR OWN,” SHE PREDICTED. SHE WAS RIGHT, AND IN UNEXPECTED WAYS!
WE SAILED TO EUROPE, WHERE MAMA REVAMPED OUR SHOW. WE STARTED WEARING MORE STAGE MAKE-UP, OUR COSTUMES GOT FANCIER, AND WE WRESTLED TO GUITAR AND VIOLIN ACCOMPANIMENT; OUR MUSIC DIRECTOR WAS CÓRTEZ QUINTANILLA, A BRILLIANT MAESTRO FROM THE CANARY ISLANDS. WE CULTIVATED UPPER-CLASS AUDIENCES, AND MAMA ADVERTISED US AS “SOPHISTICATED BRAWN”. BOOKINGS INCREASED, WE BECAME FAMOUS, AND THE MONEY STARTED ROLLING IN!
IT WAS IN LONDON, ENGLAND WHERE WE MEN WERE FIRST APPROACHED BY WEALTHY FEMALE “PATRONS”. I HAD NEVER BEFORE MET WOMEN WHO BEHAVED SO SCANDALOUSLY; SOME OF THEM WALKED RIGHT UP AND GRABBED US IN THE ASS AND IN THE CROTCH! OTHERS WERE LESS BRAZEN, BUT THEY ALL WANTED THE SAME THING: SEX! AND THEY WERE WILLING TO PAY FOR IT!
MONEY TALKS, AS THEY SAY, AND THESE LADIES HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO START SOME, SHALL WE SAY, DEEP CONVERSATIONS? I’D LIKE TO SAY I WAS INCORRUPTIBLE, BUT I WASN’T. NONE OF US WERE! WE WERE ARROGANT, YOUNG, HORNY AND FULL OF PISS AND VINEGAR; AND IN THE BEGINNING @ LEAST, HIGH-CLASS WHORING WAS A BALM TO OUR MASCULINE EGOS. PROSTITUTION REALLY DOESN’T HOLD THE SAME STIGMA FOR MEN AS IT DOES FOR WOMEN; WE AREN’T TURNED INTO PARIAHS THE WAY THEY ARE.
SO BETWEEN EXHIBITIONS, WE EARNED A REPUTATION AS AMERICAN GIGOLOS - THAT’S THE POLITE WAY TO SAY IT! MAMA SHELLY DIDN’T MIND AS LONG AS SHE GOT HER “CUT”. I BECAME DISENCHANTED FAIRLY QUICKLY, THOUGH; GETTING TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF RAW MEAT FEELS DEMEANING, REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH YOU GET PAID! BUT SOMETHING GOOD CAME OUT OF SELLING MY BODY: I WAS ABLE TO SAVE A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY. I WAS DETERMINED TO LEAVE THE TROUPE @ SOME POINT, AND I DIDN’T WANT TO BE BROKE WHEN I DID!
A "DESCENDANT" OF MAESTRO CÓRTEZ
QUINTANILLA: JAZZ AND FUNK
GUITARIST ROD MACK!
WOMEN WENT ABSOLUTELY WILD FOR US IN GERMANY. A BERLIN DOWAGER REQUESTED MY “SERVICES” AND I SUBSEQUENTLY GOT PASSED AROUND BY HER RICH LADY FRIENDS. I LEARNED A VERY SOPHISTICATED FORM OF GERMAN THAT WAY (AS WELL AS SOME GUTTER SEXUAL SLANG PICKED UP “ON THE JOB”)!
MOST OF THESE LADIES WERE SEXUAL RACISTS TO A GREATER OR LESSER EXTENT. ONE OF THEM HAD A RECURRING FANTASY ABOUT BEING BRUTALIZED IN BED BY A “SAVAGE” INDIAN! SHE HAD ME ACTING OUT A SCENE WHERE I GAVE HER A DEVIL'S CHOICE: MEIN SCHWANZ (MY PENIS) SHOVED DOWN HER THROAT, OR A TOMAHAWK LODGED IN HER HEAD! DESPITE THE NEST EGG I WAS BUILDING UP, IT WAS A VERY UNPLEASANT WAY TO EARN MONEY.
BUT CLOUDS DO SOMETIMES HAVE SILVER LININGS: THAT RAPE VICTIM ROLE-PLAYER TOOK A SHINE TO ME! AFTER SEEING ME SIMULATE A WAR DANCE IN THE WRESTLER'S RING, SHE PAID FOR ME TO TAKE FORMAL DANCING LESSONS. BACK THEN, THE TANGO WAS A BIG CRAZE AMONG THE WEALTHY SET, AND I PICKED IT UP VERY QUICKLY. I LEARNED FROM RECORDS IMPORTED FROM ARGENTINA WHERE TANGO WAS BORN, AND I STARTED SINGING ALONG IN SPANISH AS I DANCED. OVERHEARING ME VOCALIZE, MY “PATRON” DECIDED THAT I SHOULD GET SINGING LESSONS, TOO.
AFTER SEVERAL MONTHS OF INSTRUCTION BY A VERY GOOD VOICE TEACHER, SHE ASKED ME TO SING FOR HER. I PERFORMED AN ARGENTINE SONG THAT I LIKED CALLED “EL GRAN DOLOR (THE BIG HURT)”. THE LYRICS HAD A MASOCHISTIC TONE, AND NATURALLY THAT DELIGHTED HER! “LIEBCHEN, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH TO GO ON THE STAGE,” SHE TOLD ME. “BUT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, WHEN YOU ARE ALREADY A STAR WRESTLER? AND A CHAMPION STUD BESIDES? YOUR SINGING AND DANCING ARE JUST FOR MY AMUSEMENT.” HA! I HAD OTHER IDEAS.
SECRETLY, I STARTED AUDITIONING FOR SHOWS @ BERLIN MUSIC HALLS AND CABARETS. ONE DAY, MUCH TO MAMA SHELLY’S SURPRISE, I UP AND QUIT HER TROUPE COLD! I SWITCHED FROM BEING AN EXHIBITION WRESTLER TO AN EXHIBITION DANCER IN A BEER GARDEN.
TRUE, I WASN’T MAKING MUCH MONEY, BUT I COULD LIVE OFF MY SAVINGS FOR A WHILE. I WAS ELATED TO BE FREE OF THAT “WRESTLING SAVAGE” CHARACTER SHE CREATED! I WIPED OFF HER ”REDSKIN” MAKE-UP AND COMMENCED LIVING IN GERMANY AS A WHITE MAN.
