FOURTH MOTORCYLE ROUTE:
from New York City to New Orleans
Once more, this is Dean Christopher. It’s the year 2074; I’m 67 years old. Archie Andrews was my biological father. Betty Cooper was my biological mother. Veronica Lodge was Archie’s wife and my later-in-life godmother. Because of the complex circumstances surrounding my birth, I grew up in an adopted family, never suspecting that one day the lives of The Archies would intersect with mine! I learned everything I could about them while they were still alive, but there was even more to learn. I’ve been reading to you from pages of Veronica’s unpublished memoir, which I found in the Archie Archives. These final passages are disturbing. They talk about marital infidelity, racial conflict, the end of a once-devoted friendship, and a traumatic incident that threw the entire country into a tailspin! Not least of all, they detail a trumped-up controversy that involved The Archies. For the first time, you’re going to hear what really happened . . . and what didn’t. But first, Veronica remembers a recording session that took place without her, and what she was doing while the rest of the group made music.
POP CULTURE CANTINA
presents
RIDE, RIDE, BABY!
THE ARCHIES IN SOUL MOTION
A Novelette in Four Parts
Inspired by the Songs of
BERT BERNS
starring
THE ARCHIES
BLUE-EYED SOUL
MARIACHI LOWRIDER
OLGUITA and REGINALD
TONI TOPAZ
THE VIXENS
Cartoon Cameo Appearances by
GLORIA ESTEFAN
MIDLAND
DARA SEDAKA
and
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
featuring LAURA PINTO and
introducing LESTER E. BLUE, JR
Narrated by
DEAN CHRISTOPHER
FROM VERONICA’S MANUSCRIPT:
In 2027, the hottest ticket on Broadway was Sedaka Junction, a revue of songs by legendary singer/songwriter Neil Sedaka. His representatives (led by Dara Sedaka, his daughter) made a deal to bring his smash hit revue to the big screen. Major Hollywood producers got involved, and they came up with the concept of having Pop idols of the day perform his songs in the movie. Just based on sheer star power, it was sure to be a box office smash – or so they thought!
The Archies competed to be among those chosen to cut a tune for the soundtrack, but we hit a stone wall: The movie’s director, whose name I won’t mention. That one was a real piece of work! More precisely, he was a Gangsta Rap fanatic who looked down his nose at our kind of music. The asshole told us so, in no uncertain terms: "You're just a chickenshit Bubblegum band”! So The Archies couldn’t catch a break from him, but nobody was going to shut out Roni Lodge-Andrews: When I want something, I fucking get it, one way or another!
I contacted Dara Sedaka and sold her on a deal: The Archies would cut a promotional record for the movie. We became part of the project without actually being involved with it! So much the better, because that enabled us to dodge a bullet: The film version of Sedaka Junction stunk up the place! It tanked big-time at the box office and became a major source of embarrassment for the Sedaka organization.
THE ARCHIES IN THE STUDIO WITH
OLGUITA AND REGINALD REPLACING
RONI AND CHUCKII
That Hip-Hop soundtrack album, the one that was sure to sell Platinum? It never even got released! There were rumors that Neil Sedaka stopped it by threatening to sue, but I think the investors just decided to cut their losses. Who in his right mind wanted to hear Gangsta rappers interpreting Neil’s songs? But by recording Sedaka music in its proper context, The Archies pulled a hit out of the bag. Our “alternative soundtrack” ended up being the only new Sedaka Junction music on the market.
Daddykins taught me that taking control of a situation makes all the difference, and it’s a lesson I’ve never forgotten. Unfortunately, I couldn’t control where Dara Sedaka wanted our promo record cut, or who she chose to produce it. Her preferred recording facility was Limelight Studios, a combined nightclub and audio tracking facility in Manhattan. IMHO, not such a great studio; but even worse, her preferred producer was someone I absolutely could not stand: Laura Pinto!
Laura, who had worked with Josie + The Pussy Cats, was Neil Sedaka’s go-to producer; she supervised all of his sessions. Archiekins had worked with her as a solo artist, and The Archies had been in the studio with her, too. She was based in London at the time, and we'd flown in to do a TV show. We had intended to cut tracks for a British EP, but things started falling apart at the session. We'd booked the famous Red Bus Studios where Culture Club and Bananarama cut tracks; I'll never forget it. I intervened in a dispute, and that red-headed heifer mouthed off at me! We had an exchange that got very spicy, after which I cut the session short. Laura was one of the most arrogant and insolent producers I ever met! I refused to work with her again, but I wasn’t about to scuttle our Sedaka project because of that.
I heard that Gino el Huapanguero (formerly known as Reggie Mantle) and his wife Olga San Quentín were in New York City. I contacted them. Olguita was an excellent Spanish guitar player and she agreed to sub for me in the studio. Reginald was between concert tours and jumped at the chance to get in on this project; he replaced Chuck Clayton on bass. Per his agreement with us, Chuckii would only sing and play on Archies records he produced, so that meant both he and I were out of the picture. Laura "Miss Diva" Pinto didn't want co-producers!
We chose the songs ahead of time: Archie was going to sing “Love Is Spreading Over The World” and “Sunny”, Juggy and Kelly would perform a jazzy tune called "Turn On The Sunshine" and Olguita and Reginald would duet on a big ballad: “Your Heart’s Not In Your Love”. Archie’s voice was in rough shape when he cut his first vocal, so he asked Laura to let the others finish tracking while he indulged in some hot herbal tea. Just as he was about to lay down his second vocal, some unexpected visitors arrived.
PROMO FOR SEDAKA JUNCTION,
THE HIT ARCHIES EP ON
ATLANTIC RECORDS
Taylor Swift was playing New York City, and that meant her touring bass player Trevor Santiago was in town, too! Our former member dropped in on the session with his wife Cristina Angel. Justin Strickland, the session arranger, was Trevor's partner in a publishing company and he'd mentioned this upcoming Archies date when they were texting. The Santiagos took it as an opportunity to introduce the group to their newborn daughter. Asunción had brought joy back into Trevor's life after that long period of grieving for his sister Valerie.
It just so happened that Asunción’s nickname, “Sunny” was also the title of the song Archie was about to record. He suggested to Dara Sedaka that Trevor replace him as lead singer on that track. Laura Pinto was against it but Archie insisted he do one take, and that take ended up being the master. I mean to tell you: Trevor’s rendition was fantastic! It just radiated pride and love for his baby girl. Nobody was surprised when “Sunny” ended up being the most popular stream from our SEDAKA JUNCTION EP.
Archiekins and I arranged to have it released under our deal with Atlantic Records. Much to our frustration, they held back our long-delayed album in order to market SEDAKA JUNCTION first! Label president Lester Blue, Jr thought that, coming after an album of Soul music, a blatant Pop record like that might disappoint our fans. I disagreed with him – the vocals on that EP were plenty soulful - but nothing succeeds like success, right? SEDAKA JUNCTION became The Archies’ eighth Top Forty Extended Play disc in April of 2028.
Right around the same time, Dr. Blue lured Jughead and Kevin Keller into the studio and cut tracks with them behind our backs! I felt so betrayed when I found out. Kelly could certainly be mercenary at times, but Juggy's involvement blindsided me; our friendship was never the same after that! Archie thought Atlantic was using Blue-Eyed Soul to hedge its bets on The Archies; I wasn't sure, but none of it matters now. It's more relevant to talk about what happened between Chuck Clayton and me while SEDAKA JUNCTION was being recorded.
Chuckii and I met regularly for our little rap sessions. I kept urging him to call his estranged lover Geraldine Grundy, reason things out, and patch it up with her. I was pretty tough on him, too, but that’s how I always am when I see people about to totally fuck something up! Chuck Clayton loved Deanie; why couldn’t he shelve his stupid pride and act like it? During one of our conversations, I really raked Chuckii over the coals! He was shaken up, and I could tell. Worried that I might have scolded him too hard, I took his hand in mine. Our eyes met, and we hugged. The next thing I knew, we were kissing!
He was vulnerable, and lonely, reaching out to me for comfort. It was a very human moment, but one that called for setting boundaries. I should have held back, but out of sympathy I took it to the next level. No, that’s a lie: It wasn’t really out of sympathy. He aroused me sexually, and I wanted to be with him! I’ve never been the type to say what if I’d done that? and then spend the rest of my life guessing. No way! Ms. Roni Lodge-Andrews is going to barge right in at full steam, and damn the consequences! And that’s exactly what I did.
I was more than aware of Chuck Clayton’s considerable charms; even back in high school, he was a looker. Always wearing those tight jeans! Baby boy had nalga de negro to spare! We girls used to say he had the best butt at Riverdale High; and when he jumped out of my birthday cake wearing a thong, he proved he was still booty-licious. Years ago, we two had even flirted a bit, but I was with Archie, he was dating Nancy Woods, and we weren’t exactly each other’s type. However, once we were alone in his hotel room and I felt the heat of his naked body pressed against mine, I quietly scolded myself: Why hadn’t we done this before?
It was well worth the wait. Chuckii was an excellent lover: Tender when I wanted, rough when I wanted, stern yet obedient, playful yet intense, and totally uninhibited! I can’t count how many different positions we tried, each more exciting than the previous one had been. That beautiful butter-colored man had me in ecstasy! At one point, I was biting the pillow . . . and at another point, he was biting it! But even though my body said “yes” to him, my heart screamed “NOOOO . . .”
He belonged to Deanie Grundy! Maybe I could have stolen him away from her, but why? I had no desire or reason to do so. He sensed my reticence and our lovemaking stopped, just like that. We lay there for a while, then got up from the bed, dressed and cried together. Before we left that room, I forgave Chuck Clayton, and he forgave me; but being the kind of man he was, could he forgive himself? That would prove to be a far more difficult undertaking.
THE ARCHIES PREVIEW THEIR NEW ALBUM
AT A LATIN MUSIC FESTIVAL
In June of 2028, Atlantic Records was finally ready to release our new LP. Nearly all the album promotion was done before the record shipped. Gloria and Emilio Estefan let us use some of their promotion people, and they also tipped us off to a hot new Latin music venue: The Cumbiatón Festival. “You’ve simply got to play this festival,” Missy insisted. “It’s a party circuit geared to Latinos, immigrants and the LGBT community.”
The festival was scheduled to stop in Miami in late July 2028. Gloria Estefan was totally on the case for us; as a festival headliner, she pulled strings to get The Archies booked. Missy also introduced us to the overflow crowd, and the first song we did was “Ride, Ride, Baby”. She joined us onstage, rapping in Spanglish. I noticed that she deliberately changed some of the lyrics: Los Archies,¡ay! No puedo creerlo, sus canciones tan bellos! Ustedes también se enamoraran de ellos. In translation, she basically told the crowd how much she loved us. The Goddess of Conga was giving us her blessing!
After that, how could we do anything less than bring the damn house down? The response to our performance was incredible; in fact, they wouldn’t let us off the stage! We performed half the songs from our new album: "Twist 'n' Shout", "I Say Love", "Aretha", "Soul Motion", "Cry, Baby", "Are You Lonely For Me, Baby?", "Hang On, Sloopy" and "Ride, Ride, Baby". We also performed our new hit "Sunny" with Kelly singing lead, and “Sugar, Sugar en Español”. We always closed with some version or other of our signature hit; Archie and I sang it as a duet.
So that was supposed to be our finale, but we had to reprise “Ride, Ride, Baby” twice! Even without Missy’s Rap en Español interlude, they couldn’t get enough of that Bert Berns song. By the second chorus, everybody was singing along with us, I mean, just screaming the lyrics: We’re gonna ride! Ride, ride, baby! We’re gonna ride out of sight! We’re gonna ride! Ride, ride, baby! We’re gonna roll all night! You better hold on tight.*
The Cumbiatón Festival was one of the wildest venues we had ever played; it was like a giant playroom for grown-ups. Drag kings and queens were dancing on stage with us, men on stilts were walking through the crowd, there were oversized toys and hundreds of balloons, streamers and confetti everywhere, and people from all over the Latin diaspora: Black, White, indigenous, multi-racial. When we finished our last number, it felt like an anticlimax. Something needed to happen to cap off our triumph, and Lord have mercy! Something did. Buckets of chocolate slime unloaded on us from above, and the crowd just went apeshit!
La Ducha de Chocolate hadn’t yet become a tradition at Cumbiatón, but it would be in later years; it was like a baptism, reserved for first-time performers who won over the crowd. Somebody was supposed to warn us that it might happen! Our hairstyles and costumes were ruined, of course, but we didn’t get angry - not even me, and I’m notoriously short-tempered! All of us got caught up in that moment of crazed, exhilarating celebration, and somehow, it felt right. As I stood there dripping all over, I felt something else: Certainty that we were about to score one of the biggest hits of our career!
RIDE, RIDE, BABY was finally released on July 28th, 2028, over a year after it had been recorded. That was one day after our wildly successful appearance in Miami; but it turned out to be the worst possible release date. Why? Because that evening, one of the most horrific shootings in American history occurred in Kansas City, Missouri.
It seems that police were after a violent drug ring. These killers had left a trail of bodies in their wake across four Midwestern states! The authorities got a tip-off that some ring members had broken into St. Stephen’s Baptist Church and were holed up there for the night. Sure enough, when they arrived, they heard voices inside. It was after midnight; the church was closed, and nobody was supposed to be inside.
ANGRY ANTI-RACISM ACTIVISTS
TARGET THE ARCHIES
There’s confusion about what transpired next, but by dawn there was horrific carnage. The police had shot and killed twelve people, all African-Americans and most of them teenagers. None of them had been involved with drugs; they were youth choir members who had gotten permission to be on the premises late. Evidently, they’d gotten carried away singing and had gone over their allotted practice time. Most of the dead were found clutching hymnals in their hands; it was awful! The culprits in question had never even been in the building; weeks later, police apprehended them in North Carolina.
The national outcry over what became known as “The St. Stephens Massacre” nearly tore the country apart, and in its aftermath, a group called The African Reckoning rose up. Compared to them, Black Lives Matter activists sounded like Fox News commentators! Fiery anti-racist rhetoric from the AR blanketed American media. Well, pundits called it anti-racist; I called it anti-rational.
Among other things, the AR claimed that the federal government had a secret plan to exterminate African Americans, similar to Adolph Hitler’s Final Solution. Its spokespersons declared that no White jurist, legislator or political leader could ever be trusted, and that all people of color must regard White friends with suspicion. They even implied that biracial people were inherent enemies of the Black community just by virtue of their mixed parentage! Chuck Clayton was both outraged and deeply hurt by these claims.
THE END OF A FRIENDSHIP:
ARCHIE ANDREWS AND
CHUCK CLAYTON
The African Reckoning seemed to choose its targets randomly; you never knew which individual or institution was next to be denounced. However, the group seemed to reserve a special hatred for The Archies! They turned us into the poster child for White cultural appropriation: The crime of stealing artistic and cultural expression from people of color. Never mind that we had current members who were part African-American (Chuckii and me) and Japanese (Jughead)!
The AR vilified us big time and trashed our new album. They called it “yet another example of the brazen theft of Black music.” Adding insult to injury, they condemned the songwriter to whom our new album paid tribute. When one of their spokespersons called Bert Berns “typical of Jews who ripped off Black artists”, all of us were appalled but especially Betty and Juggy. Both of them are half-Jewish, and that false accusation was the most anti-Semitic thing they'd ever heard.
AR activists organized a public burning of albums by White artists they accused of “cultural larceny”, and we were principal among them. In fact, RIDE, RIDE, BABY was the first record they tossed onto their bonfire! Initially, we weren’t too upset because only a few hundred people attended that protest; but then the AR posted an Instagram video clip of us performing at The Cumbiatón Festival. It was the part at the end when we got drenched in chocolate slime. Would you believe they accused us of performing in blackface? It was insane, but that clip went viral, and with every view it got, we lost radio airplay.
Just like our first Atlantic single “Aretha”, the remix of “Ride, Ride, Baby” sold next to nothing, and even though it appeared on some regional charts, like in Miami, it never did chart nationally. Neither did our new album. Nobody wanted to know from it! You'd have thought we recorded a collection of Ku Klux Klan songs, the way commentators started condemning our music; and at our personal appearances as well as on the evening news, we saw marchers carrying signs that said Fuck The Archies; Ride, Ride, Rip-Off; Archie Kiss My Black Ass! and Sugar, Sugar Is Bad For You. Gloria Estefan came to our defense, God bless her, and so did Bruce and Patti Springsteen but it was too late: Tempers had already spun out of control, and people believed what they wanted to believe.
We were all traumatized and frightened! Jughead temporarily shuttered his restaurant chain after boycotts and vandalism scared away his patrons. Betty and her husband went into hiding. I arranged for Kevin Keller and his husband (who is Black) to stay with some of my relatives in Sweden. Archie and I eventually holed up at our vacation home in Italy; but in the midst of all this public turmoil, there was even more going down behind the scenes.
I never hold on to regret. I move on! My indiscretion with Chuck Clayton was ancient history a week after it happened; but Chuckii, still a devout Catholic, was overcome with guilt. That was the first time he had ever been with a married woman! My forgiveness wasn’t enough; he needed Archie to forgive him, too. Chuckii told me he was going to confess to my husband that we had sex. I cautioned him against doing so but he was adamant: He said he could barely look Archiekins in the face anymore, hiding such a “shameful” secret.
I begged him to let me divulge our encounter later on in my own way, but he wouldn’t listen. We ended up going to Archie together, which was entirely the wrong thing to do. It turned out that he’d suspected us of having an affair. When we both told him we wanted to talk about something, he jumped to the wrong conclusion: That I was going to leave him!
To my horror, Archie attacked Chuck Clayton almost as soon as he began to speak. The next thing I knew, he had Chuckii pinned down on the floor, pummeling him with his fists and screaming the word nigger over and over! Chuckii fought back, but he got the worst of it: Blood was streaming from his nose and mouth!
I wedged myself between them and managed to push Archie away. That moment is a blur in my mind, but I remember screaming at him: Are you calling me a nigger, too? You know my family history! Stop this stupid shit! It isn’t about race.
DR. BLUE CUTS TRACKS WITH JUGHEAD
AND KEVIN KELLER IN A SECRET
SESSION @ STAX STUDIOS
But it totally was about race: The resentment he felt about The Archies being scapegoated, and about the anti-White rhetoric that was spreading all over the country. It was also about his irrational fear that a Black man was going to steal his wife away – a wife who was part Black herself. In the days following that incident, Archie admitted all of this to me. My husband cried like I’d never seen him cry before; it nearly tore my heart out! He was just as earnest in contrition as he’d been in rage. Fortunately, I had intervened before Chuckii suffered any serious injury, but Archie gave him a terrible beating!
That night, a bruised and bandaged Chuck Clayton boarded a plane headed back to his home in Tennessee. Two days later, he sent us a lengthy text; would you believe he apologized to Archie? Without directly mentioning that horrendous outburst, Chuckii said that he understood the violent reaction. He didn’t blame Archie for anything, and hoped he wouldn't hold a grudge.
Chuckii also said that he’d gotten back together with Geraldine Grundy, and he thanked me for making that happen. Archie started sobbing again when he read the message. He responded immediately with an apology of his own. “You must believe that I’m not a racist”, he texted. “I’m so ashamed! I still don’t understand what came over me.”
About a week after that, I arranged a Zoom call for the three of us. It was my turn to do what Betty Cooper and Kevin Keller had done to repair broken friendship bonds: Talk about how true friends can make mistakes and forgive each other, no matter how bad the mistakes are! However, I’m not as good at peacemaking as Betty and Kelly; I wasn’t getting through to Archie or Chuckii, and it was painfully obvious. That call ended with a nagging lack of resolution hanging in the air. And . . . they never fully reconciled.
Chuck Clayton resigned from The Archies, and Dilton Doiley Briseño stepped in to replace him for a while. After that, we mostly communicated with Chuckii through Geraldine; that’s how we knew he'd purchased a recording studio outside Nashville. The two of them ran it together until January of 2035, when he died suddenly of a stroke. When Deanie told us, it was a terrible shock; but like many African-Americans, Chuckii suffered from hypertension. In fact, while he was with the group he’d had some blood pressure issues. He faded fast after being admitted to the hospital and Deanie was devastated; but later she felt thankful that he didn’t linger in a vegetative state. Archie and I convinced her to let us pay his hospital and funeral expenses; I'm revealing that here for the first time.
Every member of The Archies attended the memorial service; it was held in New Orleans, where Chuckii was born. His longtime friend and co-producer Alan Mayberry read the eulogy. Betty sang “Ave Maria” Gospel-style and I know Chuckii would've just been over the moon! He used to call her his "best student." I'll never forget how Geraldine's daughter Darla started crying hysterically when Betty finished singing; Chuck Clayton was the only father she'd ever known. I managed to calm her and later, Deanie and I held Darla's hands as we walked to the gravesite. Juggy, Kelly, Dilton and Archiekins served as pallbearers.
That was such a sad occasion, and what a bitter aftertaste it left! All I could think about is how our own stupidity torpedoed a cherished friendship and robbed The Archies of the best producer we ever had. What else could we do but try to take what happened as a learning experience? I certainly did: I learned a hard lesson about needing to be more considerate of my husband. As for Archie, he never used the N-word again! Sometimes I wonder, though . . . did Chuckii? Of course, I’ll never know.
CHUCK CLAYTON'S MUSICAL LEGACY:
A DISCOGRAPHY OF SUPERB
COUNTRY, GOSPEL, ROCK
AND SOUL RECORDS
When it comes to the topic of race, there’s a lot that I don’t know. Why, in the 21st century, are we still celebrating the first Black person to do this, that and the other? Why do African-Americans still lag behind in education, employment, income, housing and physical health? Why is Gangsta Rap, a music genre full of harmful stereotypes and racial slurs, the most popular sound in the world? And why do atrocities like the St. Stephen’s Massacre keep happening?
Much to my frustration, Veronica’s manuscript ended there. I scoured the Archie Archive for more pages but only turned up some photos taken around the time of events she described.
THE ARCHIES PERFORM ON STAGE
AFTER CHUCK CLAYTON'S
RESIGNATION
I hope The Archies didn’t regret cutting RIDE, RIDE, BABY. They had nothing to be ashamed of: The vocals, music arrangements, audio quality and song selection are all superb! Those album tracks were reissued on a Canadian Archies compilation in 2048, and also in a Mexican box set two years later; that's where I heard them for the first time. Even though that Bert Berns tribute wasn’t the stoned smash they thought it would be, it was the best thing they ever did. I hear something new every time I listen.
It proved to be a pivotal recording for them, too. Archie finally got his wish: Post-Atlantic Records, The Archies were a Soul-oriented singing group and they remained one until calling it quits in 2033. I can vouch for that, because I attended their final concert in Riverdale. Archie, Betty, Veronica, Juggy, Kelly and Toni Topaz (Chuck’s replacement) took everybody "to church" that night! But they didn’t do it singing "Black Soul", "Blue-eyed Soul" or even “Latin Soul.” They just performed authentic Soul music, and that has never been racially exclusive.
Veronica’s memoir reveals that their journey to a new sound was as bumpy as it was transformative and frankly, that's an understatement! It took years for America to come to grips with the St. Stephen's Massacre, and I think maybe we're still struggling with it. The Archies never regained the level of popularity they enjoyed prior to that tragedy, but their SRO farewell tour proved they were still superstars. Despite everything, I’m glad they rode what Veronica called a wild roller coaster; I think they gained more in the long run than they lost. And even though immersion in Black music styles led to some poor judgment on my father’s part, I don’t think any less of him.
It isn’t the things you say that reveal what kind of person you are; it’s the things you do. Archie made mistakes, some worse than others, but they never stopped him from doing good things for his fellow man. If Chuck Clayton were still alive, I believe he’d say the same thing. So if people still want to cancel Archie out for being imperfect and human, I feel sorry for them. The Savior said it best: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. IMHO, my biological father was fucking awesome, and so was the group he led to stardom; I’ll always feel proud to be his son.
Concept and Text by HAMPTON JACOBS
Illustrations by STUFFED ANIMAL
Costumes by HENRIETTA la del BARRIO
A MARVELOUS LIE PRODUCTION
Special thanks to Patty Ball, Jon Colton Barry,
Dr. Lester E. Blue, Jr, Dean Christopher, Ron Dante,
Gloria Estefan, Bruce Frey, María Hinojosa,
Jesse Jackson, Roderick Mack, PX Milstein, Tom Mourgos,
Dave Pearson, Laura Pinto, Paul Shaffer, Michael V. Skeen,
Jon Trouten and Steve Tyrell.
"Ride, Ride, Baby" is dedicated to the memory of singer, songwriter and record producer Bertram Russell Berns (1929 – 1967).
*Song lyrics by Jeff Barry and Bert Berns, published by Sloopy II Music/Sony ATV Songs/Trio Music/Universal Songs of PolyGram International.