DC Hampton Jacobs AKA Stuffed Animal is the writer/artist behind the"Pop-Art-Chie" cartoon serials. Mostly self-taught, his childhood and teenage years were filled with cartooning; but negative reaction to his work led to him laying down his color pens for over thirty years! In 2013, after suffering a series of life traumas including homelessness, he took them up again. He did this mainly as a means of preserving his sanity, and the jury's still out as to whether the strategy was successful! What happened for certain was the creation of his Pop Archie Bundle, a series of Pop Art drawings. These works number in the hundreds; the pieces stand alone individually, but collectively they tell a story. The "Pop-Art-Chie" narratives launched in 2014 with an epic saga called "Say Goodbye To Riverdale". They came to include, among other things, a "mock screenplay", an imaginary record label discography, a modern Greek tragedy, a Broadway musical treatment and an illustrated Great American Rock 'n' Roll songbook. Now in the year 2020, DC Hampton Jacobs really does say goodbye to Riverdale with one last decades-spanning tale.
POP CULTURE CANTINA
presents
A Marvelous Lie Production
GOD BLESS ROCK 'N' ROLL!
Adapted from a Song Written by
RON DANTE + HOWIE GREENFIELD
Produced by CARMINE GRANITO
Screenplay by DC HAMPTON JACOBS
Cinematography by STUFFED ANIMAL
Costumes by NERO the DOG
Pop Art Images Inspired by
ARCHIE COMICS CHARACTERS
The Bandleader/ARCHIE ANDREWS
The Blues Singer/BETTY COOPER
The Gigolo/CHEVY LONG DONG
The Jazz Singer/JUGGY JONES
The Rock Star/KEVIN KELLER
The Boss Lady/RONI LODGE-ANDREWS
The Manager/HEATHER "SQUEAK" McGILLICUDDY
The Mambo Dancer/TREVOR SANTIAGO
The Reggae Queen/TONI TOPAZ
with
Comedy Relief/BEAU JACQUES
Musical Accompaniment/MARIACHI LOWRIDER
Backing Vocalists/COCHINADA BROTHERS
Backing Vocal Choir/RIVERDALE ROCK CHORALE (final show)
Dancing Ladies/ZOOT SUIT MUCHACHAS
Dance Troupe/DULCE de FUEGO (final show)
and introducing
DEAN CHRISTOPHER!
Screenplay Narrated by The Sorceress . . .
SABRINA "BREE" SPELLMAN
THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL WORLD TOUR
EUROPEAN LEG
MAY 2032
STOCKHOLM, SE - Sunday the 2nd
AMSTERDAM, NL - Saturday the 8th
BERLIN, DE - Sunday the 9th
PRAGUE, CZ - Saturday the 15th
ROME, IT - Sunday the 16th
PARIS, FR - Saturday the 22nd
LONDON, GB - Sunday the 23rd
LONDON, GB (CHARITY SHOW) - Saturday the 29th
BREE SPELLMAN: NO, YOU'RE NOT DREAMING! MY WICCAN POWERS HAVE BROUGHT YOU FORWARD IN TIME, A DECADE INTO THE FUTURE. IN THE YEAR 2032, THE ARCHIES LAUNCH THEIR FAREWELL WORLD TOUR. SIMULTANEOUSLY, WE SEE A YOUNG MAN NAMED DEAN CHRISTOPHER EMBARK ON A SEARCH FOR HIS BIRTH PARENTS. AUDIO FROM THE 2033 DOCUMENTARY FILM OF THAT TOUR CONNECTS THESE SEEMINGLY UNRELATED EVENTS. LISTEN NOW, AND LEARN THE SECRET SHAME OF ARCHIE, BETTY, JUGGY AND RONI!
"GLITTER + GOLD"
Words + Music by
Barry Mann + Cynthia Weil
RECORDED ON 2 MAY 2032
LIVE IN STOCKHOLM
ARCHIE + JUGGY'S VOCALS OVERDUBBED
ON 24 JULY 2033
THE TIME: THE YEAR 2033
(with flashbacks to 2032)
THE PLACE: VARIOUS FILMED LOCATIONS
CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): THE ARCHIES RECORD A THEME SONG FOR RADIO LUXEMBURG IN BERLIN, WITH VERSIONS SUNG IN BOTH ENGLISH AND GERMAN. FIRST PERFORMED IN PARIS, "VOODOO DOLL" SCORES BIG WITH AUDIENCES AND IS SUBSEQUENTLY ADDED TO THE SET LIST.
TONI TOPAZ, Paris FR (outtake, 2032): MY EX-BOYFRIEND MAX MANISCHEVITZ IS NOW ONE OF THE HOTTEST PRODUCERS IN EUROPE. HE SUPERVISED THE RECORDING SESSION FOR "VOODOO DOLL". KEVIN KELLER AND I SANG LEAD.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR MAX'S UGLY BEHAVIOR: RACIST, SEXIST AND HOMOPHOBIC COMMENTS TARGETING ME, MY HUSBAND JUGGY, RONI, BETTY, AND KELLY! AND MAX IS JEWISH! I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I WAS HEARING.
KEVIN KELLER, Paris FR (outtake, 2032): THE LAST TIME I WORKED WITH HIM, DUDE PUT THE MOVES ON ME! FUCKING HYPOCRITE!
TONI TOPAZ, Paris FR (outtake, 2032): HE'S NOT THE SAME MAN I DATED YEARS AGO. MAX IS NOW AN ULTRA-RIGHT-WINGER WHO DENIES HIS JEWISH HERITAGE! HE'S BECOME A NEMESIS TO ANYONE WHO ISN'T WHITE, CHRISTIAN, MALE OR HETEROSEXUAL AND HE LOVES TO PUSH PEOPLE'S BUTTONS! BUT WHEN I PUSHED HIS TINY BUTTON WITH A KNEE TO THE GROIN, YOU'D BEST BELIEVE HE PUT A LID ON THAT WHITE NATIONALIST SHIT! IT TAKES A JAMAICAN WOMAN TO PUT AN IDIOT LIKE THAT IN HIS PLACE.
CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): THE LONDON SHOW IS ONLY HALF-FULL, AND THIS IS CAUSE FOR CONCERN; BUT JUGGY'S RENDITION OF THE ARCHIES' BRITISH CULT HIT "DON'T CALL IT LOVE" SPARKS A FRENZY. THE AUDIENCE DEMANDS TWO ENCORES! THAT SONG HAPPENS TO BE PRINCE HARRY AND DUCHESS MEGAN'S FAVORITE, AND THEY REQUEST A SECOND SHOW FOR CHARITY. THE DUKE AND DUCHESS OF SUSSEX BOTH ATTEND AND NATURALLY, IT SELLS OUT!
RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Pelham NY: THE ARCHIES DID BREAK UP FOR A WHILE BACK IN 2006. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE SPOKEN PUBLICLY ABOUT THAT. I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SPLIT!
IT WAS A COMBINATION OF GRIEF OVER MY FATHER'S SUDDEN PASSING IN 2005, HEARTBREAK OVER MY INABILITY TO CONCEIVE A CHILD WITH ARCHIE AND UNREQUITED FEELINGS BETWEEN JUGGY AND ME. I WAS NEEDY, HE WAS NEEDY FOR REASONS OF HIS OWN, AND WHAT SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED DID HAPPEN: WE BECAME LOVERS!
I WAS SHOCKED BY THE PREGNANCY, BUT DEEP DOWN IT WAS WHAT I HAD HOPED FOR. OF COURSE, MY AFFAIR WITH JUGGY WAS EXPOSED AND IT ALMOST DESTROYED THE ARCHIES; AND THEN I HAD A MISCARRIAGE, WHICH ALMOST DESTROYED ME! GOING THROUGH IT ALL WAS SHEER HELL, BUT THE ONE WHO HELPED ME MOST WAS . . . WHO ELSE? BETTY COOPER, MY ONE TRUE FRIEND.
SHE HATED ME FOR SLEEPING WITH HER HUSBAND, I KNOW SHE DID; BUT IN THE END BETTY WAS STILL THERE FOR ME! IN RETALIATION, SHE AND ARCHIEKINS HAD AN AFFAIR, BUT WHO WAS I TO CONDEMN? THEY ONLY DID IT BECAUSE JUGGY AND I HAD CAUSED THEM SO MUCH PAIN.
SOMEHOW, WE SURVIVED THE WORST CRISIS OF OUR COLLECTIVE FRIENDSHIP AND CAME BACK STRONGER. TODAY, WE HAVE A BOND THAT'S TRULY UNBREAKABLE!
"CHICO'S GIRL"
Words + Music by
Barry Mann + Cynthia Weil
RECORDED ON 16 MAY 2032
LIVE IN ROME
VERONICA'S VOCALS OVERDUBBED
ON 23 JULY 2033
BETTY COOPER, Manhattan NY (outtake): I'LL NEVER FORGET THE NIGHT I ATTACKED VERONICA WITH A KITCHEN KNIFE! ARCHIE STOPPED ME JUST IN TIME. ALL I COULD THINK OF IS HOW MUCH SHE'D HURT ME. A FEW DAYS AFTER THAT, ARCHIE NEARLY TOOK JUGGY'S LIFE, AND IT WAS MY TURN TO INTERVENE!
THAT WAS A HORRIBLE TIME FOR ALL OF US; BUT REALIZING THAT I WAS CAPABLE OF EXTREME VIOLENCE ISN'T WHAT SHOCKED ME BACK TO MY SENSES. IT WAS LEARNING THAT NOT ONLY WAS RONI PREGNANT . . . SO WAS I!
ARCHIE AND I ONLY SLEPT TOGETHER ONCE AS ADULTS, BUT DURING THAT SPRING OF 2006, WE CONCEIVED A BABY BOY. JUGGY AND I NEVER TOLD ARCHIE OR RONI, AND WE'VE KEPT THE SECRET ALL THESE YEARS! THE "LONG VACATION" WE TOOK IN 2006 WAS TO CONCEAL ME HAVING HIM.
ABORTION? NO, THAT WAS NEVER A POSSIBILITY. I LEARNED I WAS PREGNANT AFTER SUFFERING SERIOUS INJURY IN AN AUTO ACCIDENT. IT WAS A MIRACLE THAT MY BABY SURVIVED! CLEARLY, THAT CHILD WAS MEANT TO BE BORN BUT, TRAGICALLY, VERONICA'S WASN'T. SHE ENDED UP LOSING JUGGY'S BABY. WHEN THAT HAPPENED, HE SUGGESTED THAT WE GIVE DEAN CHRISTOPHER TO HER AND ARCHIE TO RAISE. I . . . REFUSED! I JUST COULDN'T DO IT.
JUG AND I ARGUED BITTERLY AND ULTIMATELY DECIDED TO GIVE THE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION. WE PLACED DEAN CHRISTOPHER WITH A VERY NICE ITALIAN-AMERICAN FAMILY. THAT DECISION WAS HEART-WRENCHING FOR ME, BUT IT WAS THE RIGHT ONE! THROUGH THE YEARS, I'VE KEPT SECRET TABS ON DEAN; HE'S GROWN INTO A FINE YOUNG MAN AND IS ABOUT TO GRADUATE COLLEGE.
SOME PEOPLE MAY THINK THIS WAS MY REVENGE ON ARCHIE AND RONI FOR ALL THAT "LOVE TRIANGLE" BULLSHIT THEY PUT ME THROUGH AS A TEENAGER; OR REVENGE ON VERONICA FOR TRYING TO STEAL MY HUSBAND! IT REALLY ISN'T, AND I NEVER SAW IT THAT WAY. I WAS PROTECTING AN INNOCENT BOY FROM A LOT OF UGLINESS THAT WASN'T HIS FAULT. I GAVE DEAN CHRISTOPHER A FRESH START IN LIFE, AND I'M NOT SORRY!
CENTERFOLD SPREAD FROM THE
2032 FAREWELL WORLD TOUR
SOUVENIR PROGRAM
TREVOR SANTIAGO, London UK: ONCE AN ARCHIE, ALWAYS AN ARCHIE! THAT'S THE TRUTH: THE GROUP IS LIKE A FAMILY AND YOU CAN NEVER REALLY LEAVE; BUT I STOPPED PERFORMING YEARS AGO, AND ARCHIE HAD TO TWIST MY ARM TO GET ME ON THE FAREWELL TOUR. I DIDN'T ACTUALLY TOUR, THOUGH: I MADE FOUR "SPECIAL GUEST" APPEARANCES. THEY ENDED UP BEING A LOT OF FUN, BUT I KIND OF HAD A CLOSE SHAVE IN ROME!
"MAMBO ITALIANO" HAD BEEN AN ARCHIES HIT IN ITALY BACK IN 2012. I SANG LEAD ON IT. I ALSO APPEARED NUDE IN A RATHER WELL-KNOWN DANCE VIDEO FOR THE SONG. SOMEBODY (KEVIN-FUCKING-KELLER!) HAD THE BRIGHT IDEA OF ME REPRISING THAT NAKED DANCE ON STAGE!
KELLY SAID IT WOULD BE A MAJOR "ELDER PRIDE" STATEMENT, ME BEING IN MY SIXTIES, A CANCER SURVIVOR AND ALL. WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO BECOME A POLITICAL SYMBOL! NOT THAT I'VE EVER BEEN ASHAMED OF DOING THAT VIDEO, BUT . . . DUDE? BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!
KEVIN KELLER, Rome IT (in 2032): TREVOR SMITH IS A SEXY BEAST AND HE'S STILL A BITCHIN' DANCER! HIS MAMBO IS FUCKING AWESOME, MAN.
TREVOR SANTIAGO, London UK: WE COMPROMISED BY SHOWING A CLIP OF THE "MAMBO ITALIANO" VIDEO PRIOR TO ME SINGING IT LIVE. THEN I DANCED A DOPE-ASS MAMBO WITH TONI TOPAZ, ANOTHER GUEST STAR ON THE TOUR. SHE'D ACTUALLY CHOREOGRAPHED MY DANCE STEPS BACK IN 2012! IT WAS A TREAT TO PERFORM THEM AGAIN WITH THE LADY WHO CREATED THEM.
THE ZOOT SUIT MUCHACHAS DANCED WITH US, AND I MEAN TO TELL YOU: THAT CROWD FUCKING ATE US UP WITH A SPOON! NOT FOR NOTHING, BUT WHICH DO YOU THINK IS BETTER ENTERTAINMENT: WATCHING ME DANCE NAKED OR WATCHING ME GET JIGGY WITH FOUR FOXY LADIES WHO SING AND DANCE THEIR ASSES OFF? 'NUFF SAID!
ARCHIE ANDREWS, Rome IT: IT WAS A BITCH, MAKING THIS TOUR HAPPEN; BUT GETTING THE ARCHIES TO TOUR HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE PULLING TEETH! REGGIE AND I WERE THE ONLY MEMBERS OF THE GROUP WHO REALLY LIKED DOING IT. VERONICA PROBABLY HATES TO TOUR THE MOST, BUT SHE'S THE ONE WHO GOT EVERYBODY ON BOARD. SHE ARGUED THAT WE OWED OUR FANS A PROPER FAREWELL AND OF COURSE, SHE WAS RIGHT.
IRONICALLY, REGGIE WAS A HOLDOUT THIS TIME: HE DIDN'T WANT TO INTERRUPT HIS SUCCESSFUL SOLO CAREER! TREVOR DOESN'T EVEN CONSIDER HIMSELF A PERFORMER ANYMORE; INSTEAD OF SINGING SONGS, NOW HE PUBLISHES THEM LIKE VERONICA AND I USED TO DO.
FORTUNATELY, OVER THE YEARS MY WIFE HAS SCHOOLED ME ON HOW TO TALK PEOPLE INTO DOING WHAT I WANT! THAT'S A SKILL SHE LEARNED FROM HER DAD, BUSINESS TYCOON RAM LODGE. I USED SOME OF THOSE PERSUASION TECHNIQUES AND EVENTUALLY GOT BOTH REG AND TREV COMMITTED TO MAKING GUEST APPEARANCES IN DESIGNATED CITIES.
GETTING US ALL ON STAGE AGAIN WAS A BITTERSWEET VICTORY, THOUGH. ONCE WE STARTED REHEARSING, IT BECAME PAINFULLY CLEAR THAT THE ARCHIES ARE A GROUP IN NAME ONLY NOW! OUR STAGE SHOW ENDED UP BEING MOSTLY SOLO PERFORMANCES, WITH A FEW DUETS AND TRIOS THROWN IN. MARIACHI LOWRIDER WAS THE BACKING BAND, SO WE RARELY EVEN PLAYED A SONG TOGETHER!
THE EXPLOSIVE REUNION OF
TONI TOPAZ AND MAD MAX!
JUGGY JONES, Santa Barbara CA: JUST BEFORE THE FINALE, WE DID PLAY AND SING AN ENSEMBLE NUMBER; BUT OTHERWISE, EVERYBODY JUST PREFERRED TO DO THEIR OWN THING . . . ESPECIALLY BETTY. IT WASN'T INTENTIONAL, BUT IN THE PAST HER VOCAL TALENT GOT PUSHED INTO THE BACKGROUND. OUR HITS USUALLY HAD ARCHIE, REGGIE OR ME SINGING LEAD.
ARCHIE ANDREWS, Pelham NY: I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY, THOUGH, THAT THE FAREWELL TOUR WAS AN AWESOME EXPERIENCE FOR EVERYBODY INVOLVED. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS, THE ARCHIES DANCED AS WELL AS SANG. EVEN WHEN I WAS OUT THERE TWERKING MY SAGGY WHITE ASS, AUDIENCES SEEMED TO LOVE IT! THERE WERE SO MANY MAGICAL MOMENTS ON STAGE, AND INCREDIBLE OUTPOURINGS OF LOVE FOR US AND OUR MUSIC . . . EVEN AT THOSE EARLY DATES THAT DIDN'T SELL OUT.
I WAS HALF-DEAD BY TOUR'S END, BUT I FELT LIKE I COULD'VE GONE ON FOREVER. NOTHING CHARGES MY BATTERIES LIKE THE ROAR OF A CROWD! BUT WHAT REALLY MADE THE FAREWELL TOUR UNFORGETTABLE FOR ME WAS LEARNING THAT I HAD A SON I NEVER KNEW ABOUT! IT REALLY ROCKED MY WORLD.
"MAMBO ITALIANO"
Words + Music by BOB MERRILL
Italian lyrics by TERRY TATE + D'ANGELO WONG
RECORDED 16 May 2032
LIVE IN ROME
DEAN CHRISTOPHER, Newark NJ: AFTER HITTING A DEAD END IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA, I DECIDED TO HIRE A DETECTIVE TO HELP ME FIND MY BIRTH PARENTS. YES, THERE ARE ACTUALLY INVESTIGATORS WHO SPECIALIZE IN TRACKING DOWN ADOPTION RECORDS, BUT THEY'RE HELLA EXPENSIVE!
I COULDN'T AFFORD HER SERVICES FOR LONG, BUT BEFORE MY MONEY RAN OUT SHE LOCATED THE HOSPITAL WHERE I WAS BORN. WHEN I GOT MY BIRTH RECORDS UNSEALED, THAT INFORMATION WAS REDACTED, ALONG WITH MY MOTHER AND FATHER'S NAMES.
SO I WENT TO CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL OF ORANGE COUNTY AND ASKED IF THERE WERE ANY MATERNITY NURSES WHO'D BEEN AROUND 20 YEARS OR MORE. IT SEEMED I WAS OUT OF LUCK UNTIL A MAINTENANCE WORKER PUT ME IN TOUCH WITH A RETIRED NURSE. MARILYN PIKET WORKED IN THE MATERNITY WARD AT THE TIME I WAS BORN.
I CONTACTED MARILYN AND SHE WANTED TO MEET ME. SHE WAS NICE ENOUGH TO INVITE ME TO HER HOME, BUT WHEN I GOT THERE SHE APOLOGIZED. "I WISH I COULD TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW", SHE EXPLAINED, "BUT NURSES HAVE TO FOLLOW STRICT PRIVACY LAWS, EVEN AFTER WE RETIRE!" IT WAS SO DAMN FRUSTRATING, BECAUSE . . . MARILYN PIKET REMEMBERED MY NAME! AND MY MOTHER'S NAME, TOO.
SHE TOLD ME AS MUCH AS SHE DARED: THAT SHE WAS ONE OF THE NURSES IN ATTENDANCE AT MY BIRTH, THAT THE DOCTOR HAD SOME CONCERNS THAT REQUIRED AN EXTENDED HOSPITAL STAY, AND THAT SHE AND MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER DURING THAT TIME. MARILYN SAID MY BIRTH MOTHER WAS A VERY NICE LADY, AND VERY BEAUTIFUL; AND ON THE DAY SHE WAS DISCHARGED, MY BIRTH MOTHER GAVE HER A GIFT.
I COULD SEE HOW WORRIED SHE WAS ABOUT SAYING TOO MUCH AND I DIDN'T WANT TO GET HER IN TROUBLE! I GOT UP, THANKED HER AND LEFT. AS I WALKED BACK DOWN HER STREET, I FELT LIKE THE GUY WHO LOSES EVERYTHING IN A POKER GAME; BUT THEN I HEARD MARILYN CALL MY NAME. SHE WAS RUNNING AFTER ME WITH SOMETHING IN HER HAND!
"I JUST COULDN'T LET YOU LEAVE EMPTY-HANDED," SHE SAID. "THIS IS THE GIFT YOUR MOTHER GAVE ME. I THINK SHE WOULD WANT YOU TO HAVE IT."
IT WAS A PRISTINE VINYL RECORD: "GOLDEN SUGAR" BY THE ARCHIES! LATER IN MY HOTEL ROOM, I REMOVED IT FROM THE SLEEVE AND I SAW THAT THE LABEL WAS AUTOGRAPHED. ALTHOUGH THE SIGNATURE WAS BADLY FADED, I MANAGED TO READ IT. THE INSCRIPTION SAID: "TO MARILYN WITH LOVE . . . FROM BETTY."
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