God Bless Rock and' Roll (Part Four)
It's called "cultural appropriation" and to hear some folks tell it, there's nothing worse! White people "stealing" Black people's culture; Black people slapped down for "acting White"; Jewish people criticized for "controlling" Latin music and Rhythm and Blues, and so on. What the actual fuck?
Doesn't everybody know they should stay in their own racial or ethnically-designated spaces? How dare people immerse themselves in traditions that aren't theirs by birth? Bring smelling salts - I feel an attack of the vapors coming on!
This mindset would be laughable if it weren't so alarming: It signals a return to segregationist values! Here's a heads-up for neo-segregationists: It's far too late to worry about "cultural appropriation", and nothing proves the point more than popular music.
Without "stealing" across racial and ethnic lines, there would be no Disco, no Latin Boogaloo, no Klezmer, no Western Swing, no Afro-Celtic and no Tejano music as we know it! Most of Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller's hit songs wouldn't exist; we wouldn't have delights like "Papa Loves Mambo" (a Cuban novelty sung by Italian-American superstar Perry Como) or "Mambo Italiano" (Irish Rosemary Clooney mashing up Italy with Cuba!); Connie Francis couldn't have recorded her famous "Jewish Favorites" album; Ray Charles would never have recorded his classic MODERN SOUNDS IN COUNTRY + WESTERN MUSIC; and the Jewish Beastie Boys wouldn't be Rap icons.
In a nutshell: There would be no Rock 'n' Roll! So if you're the kind who gets pissed off by the sight of a White man wearing an African dashiki, a Black woman with Japanese chopsticks in her hairdo, or people of various backgrounds dressed up in Spanish and Mexican costumes (as happens every year in Santa Barbara, California), this story just isn't for you. Bye Felicia! And please don't let that swingin' door smack you in the ass as you leave.
POP CULTURE CANTINA
Without "stealing" across racial and ethnic lines, there would be no Disco, no Latin Boogaloo, no Klezmer, no Western Swing, no Afro-Celtic and no Tejano music as we know it! Most of Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller's hit songs wouldn't exist; we wouldn't have delights like "Papa Loves Mambo" (a Cuban novelty sung by Italian-American superstar Perry Como) or "Mambo Italiano" (Irish Rosemary Clooney mashing up Italy with Cuba!); Connie Francis couldn't have recorded her famous "Jewish Favorites" album; Ray Charles would never have recorded his classic MODERN SOUNDS IN COUNTRY + WESTERN MUSIC; and the Jewish Beastie Boys wouldn't be Rap icons.
In a nutshell: There would be no Rock 'n' Roll! So if you're the kind who gets pissed off by the sight of a White man wearing an African dashiki, a Black woman with Japanese chopsticks in her hairdo, or people of various backgrounds dressed up in Spanish and Mexican costumes (as happens every year in Santa Barbara, California), this story just isn't for you. Bye Felicia! And please don't let that swingin' door smack you in the ass as you leave.
POP CULTURE CANTINA
presents
A Marvelous Lie Production
GOD BLESS ROCK 'N' ROLL!
Adapted from a Song Written by
RON DANTE + HOWIE GREENFIELD
RON DANTE + HOWIE GREENFIELD
Produced by CARMINE GRANITO
Screenplay by DC HAMPTON JACOBS
Cinematography by STUFFED ANIMAL
Costumes by NERO the DOG
Pop Art Images Inspired by
ARCHIE COMICS CHARACTERS
The Bandleader/ARCHIE ANDREWS
The Blues Singer/BETTY COOPER
The Gigolo/CHEVY LONG DONG
The Vocal Coach/TIMOTHY GARLAND
The Jazz Singer/JUGGY JONES
The Caterer/MONTANA JONES
The Caterer/MONTANA JONES
The Rock Star/KEVIN KELLER
The Boss Lady/RONI LODGE-ANDREWS
The Tejano Star/GINO MANTLE
The Manager/
HEATHER "SQUEAK" McGILLICUDDY
The Producer/FOX PRINTEMPS
The Studio Sound Engineer/YVONNE REMY
The Reggae Queen/TONI TOPAZ
with
Comedy Relief/BEAU JACQUES
Musical Accompaniment/MARIACHI LOWRIDER
Backing Vocalists/COCHINADA BROTHERS
Backing Vocal Choir/RIVERDALE ROCK CHORALE (final show)
Dancing Ladies/ZOOT SUIT MUCHACHAS
Dance Troupe/DULCE de FUEGO (final show)
and introducing
DEAN CHRISTOPHER!
Screenplay Narrated by The Sorceress . . .
SABRINA "BREE" SPELLMAN
THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL WORLD TOUR
EUROPEAN LEG (CONTINUED)
EUROPEAN LEG (CONTINUED)
JUNE 2032
DUBLIN, IE - Saturday the 5th
BARCELONA, ES - Saturday the 12th
MADRID, ES - Sunday the 13th
LISBON, PT - Saturday the 19th
ATHENS, GR - Thursday the 24th
MELBOURNE, AU - Saturday the 26th
JERUSALEM, IL - Tuesday the 29th
NAIROBI, KE - Wednesday the 30th
BREE SPELLMAN: SECRETS! THEY SEEM UNAVOIDABLE WHEN PEOPLE INTERACT OVER LONG PERIODS OF TIME. NO MEMBERS OF A ROCK BAND EVER LOVED EACH OTHER MORE THAN THE ARCHIES; YET SIMMERING RESENTMENTS AND HIDDEN TRUTHS HOVER OVER THEM LIKE A SWORD OF DAMOCLES! THAT SWORD DID FALL ONCE, BACK IN 2006. A DECADE FROM NOW, IT WILL FALL AGAIN! THE FRIENDSHIP BOND LINKING ARCHIE, BETTY, VERONICA AND JUGGY WILL BE TESTED LIKE IT'S NEVER BEEN TESTED BEFORE.
ARRANGER DEMO RECORDING
SESSIONS AT WITCH QUEEN
STUDIOS IN BOSTON
THE TIME: THE YEAR 2033
(with flashbacks to 2032)
THE PLACE: VARIOUS FILMED LOCATIONS
THE PLACE: VARIOUS FILMED LOCATIONS
SQUEAK McGILLICUDDY, Pelham NY: THE MUSICAL ARRANGEMENTS ON THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL WORLD TOUR WERE SOME OF THE BEST I'VE EVER HEARD! ROLLING STONE REPORTED THAT ARCHIE WROTE THEM ALL, BUT THAT ISN'T SO. WITH 25 SONGS INCLUDING 9 SONG MEDLEYS, IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR EVEN A WORKAHOLIC LIKE ARCHIE TO HANDLE ALL BY HIMSELF!
RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Pelham NY: THE COUNTRY AND LATIN-FLAVORED THINGS WERE ARRANGED BY DILTON DOILEY BRISEÑO. KEVIN KELLER WORKED ON THE HARD ROCK ARRANGEMENTS. OUR LONGTIME PRODUCER RALFI CHINGAS HANDLED BALLADS AND MORE POP-ORIENTED THINGS. JAZZ SUPERSTAR JUSTIN STRICKLAND ARRANGED THE ABBA MEDLEY.
JUGGY JONES, Santa Barbara CA: ARCHIE DID THE SELECTIONS FROM THE BROADWAY MUSICAL "SOUL AND INSPIRATION", KELLY AND I WERE THE ORIGINAL STARS OF THAT SHOW, YOU KNOW . . . HE ALSO ARRANGED "SOUL DEEP SKA", "MOTHER AND CHILD REUNION" AND A FEW OTHER SONGS.
IN MY OPINION, THE GOFFIN/KING MEDLEY WAS BEST OF ALL. THOSE ARRANGEMENTS WERE WRITTEN BY NONE OTHER THAN CAROLE KING! WE COMMISSIONED THEM FROM HER THIRTY YEARS AGO FOR AN ALBUM THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
IN MY OPINION, THE GOFFIN/KING MEDLEY WAS BEST OF ALL. THOSE ARRANGEMENTS WERE WRITTEN BY NONE OTHER THAN CAROLE KING! WE COMMISSIONED THEM FROM HER THIRTY YEARS AGO FOR AN ALBUM THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
TIMOTHY GARLAND, Nashville TN: DEMOS WERE CUT OF ALL THE MUSIC ARRANGEMENTS, AND I HEARD SOME OF THEM. THEY'D HAVE MADE A KICK-ASS ALBUM ALL BY THEMSELVES; BUT I FELT THE VOCAL ARRANGEMENTS WEREN'T UP TO THE SAME HIGH STANDARD, AND I TOLD RONI AS MUCH. ME AND MY BIG MOUTH! SHE CHALLENGED ME TO MAKE THEM BETTER.
MY OLD SONGWRITING PARTNER SABRINA SPELLMAN AND I ENDED UP ARRANGING THE VOCALS. I WAS COACHING ARCHIE EVERY DAY, TOO, SO IT WAS A SHITLOAD OF WORK! I MANAGED IT, THOUGH, AND GOT A VERRRRRY NICE PAYCHECK FOR MY TROUBLE; THAT AND THE PLEASURE OF RE-CONNECTING WITH BREE! SHE 'S CONVINCED ME TO START WRITING SONGS AGAIN, AND WE'VE ALREADY FINISHED A COUPLE OF NEW ONES.
SCENES FROM THE ARCHIES'
FAREWELL WORLD TOUR
CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): WORD OF MOUTH FROM THE FIRST PART OF THE EUROPEAN LEG IS EXCELLENT AND ALL SUBSEQUENT DATES ARE SOLD OUT. THE ARCHIES FAREWELL TOUR IS SHAPING UP TO BE ONE OF THE BIGGEST OF 2033! BUT THERE'S TURMOIL BEHIND THE SCENES: RONI HAS HAD ENOUGH OF BLAND HOTEL FOOD! SHE ASKS BETTY TO CONTACT HER SON, CELEBRITY CHEF MONTANA JONES. MONTANA WILL CATER FOOD FOR THE ARCHIES AND THEIR TOURING CREW FROM DUBLIN UNTIL THE END OF THE TOUR.
FAREWELL WORLD TOUR
CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): WORD OF MOUTH FROM THE FIRST PART OF THE EUROPEAN LEG IS EXCELLENT AND ALL SUBSEQUENT DATES ARE SOLD OUT. THE ARCHIES FAREWELL TOUR IS SHAPING UP TO BE ONE OF THE BIGGEST OF 2033! BUT THERE'S TURMOIL BEHIND THE SCENES: RONI HAS HAD ENOUGH OF BLAND HOTEL FOOD! SHE ASKS BETTY TO CONTACT HER SON, CELEBRITY CHEF MONTANA JONES. MONTANA WILL CATER FOOD FOR THE ARCHIES AND THEIR TOURING CREW FROM DUBLIN UNTIL THE END OF THE TOUR.
MONTANA, HIS FATHER JUGGY AND HIS STEPMOTHER TONI TOPAZ GO TO SYNAGOGUE IN JERUSALEM AND ARE BESIEGED BY FANS! KEVIN KELLER'S VERSION OF "GIRL" DRIVES ISRAELI AUDIENCES CRAZY AND IS BOOTLEGGED! IN KENYA, TONI IS A HUGE STAR AND DEMAND FOR TICKETS IS UNBELIEVABLE; SCALPERS MAKE A FORTUNE ON THE NAIROBI SHOW. HER RENDITION OF THE ARETHA FRANKLIN CLASSIC "A NATURAL WOMAN" BRINGS DOWN THE HOUSE!
TONI TOPAZ, Nairobi KE (in 2032): I LOVE KENYA SO MUCH! IN MANY WAYS IT REMINDS ME OF JAMAICA, MY HOME. JUGGY AND I ARE THINKING OF BUYING PROPERTY HERE.
CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): THE MAYOR OF NAIROBI DECLARES THE LAST WEEK OF JUNE "ARCHIES WEEK"! THE ARCHIES ARE JOINED ONSTAGE FOR THE LAST PORTION OF THEIR CONCERT BY A KENYAN FOLKLORIC DANCE TROUPE. THIS GIVES RONI THE IDEA TO HIRE A SIMILAR DANCE ENSEMBLE FOR THE FINAL SHOW IN RIVERDALE.
FOX PRINTEMPS, Pelham NY: MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, JUGGY JONES IS A JAZZ SINGER. IMPROVISATION COMES AS SECOND NATURE TO HIM. ALL DURING THE FAREWELL TOUR, I NEVER SAW HIM PERFORM A SONG THE SAME WAY TWICE! BUT IN THE STUDIO, I DISCOVERED HE HAS A TALENT FOR DUPLICATING PERFORMANCES. JUGGY CAN DOUBLE HIS VOICE SO EXACTLY, IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL THE OVERDUB FROM THE ORIGINAL TRACK!
ON JULY 20, HE CAME IN AND LAY DOWN VOCAL OVERDUBS FOR "LATIN LUPE LU". HIS PERFORMANCE WAS AN EXACT DUPLICATE OF WHAT HE'D DONE ON STAGE! JUGGY KEPT ASKING ABOUT SOUND LEVELS; HE WAS AFRAID OF DROWNING OUT KEVIN KELLER'S PART, BUT HE SHOULDN'T HAVE WORRIED. KELLY IS SUCH A STRONG VOCALIST, THAT'S REALLY HARD TO DO!
"LITTLE LATIN LUPE LU"
Words + Music by
BILL MEDLEY
RECORDED ON 13 JUNE 2032
LIVE IN MADRID
JUGGY'S VOCALS OVERDUBBED
ON 20 JULY 2033
YVONNE REMY, Bora Bora PF: JUGGY WAS GONE BY THE TIME ARCHIE ARRIVED WITH HIS VOCAL COACH TO OVERDUB SOME PARTS. HE WAS VERY INSECURE ABOUT HIS SINGING THAT DAY, BUT TIMOTHY GARLAND WAS THE PERFECT CHEERLEADER FOR HIM. THAT SAID, IT TOOK A LOT OF WARMING-UP BEFORE ARCHIE WAS READY TO SING "BANG-SHANG-A-LANG". ONCE HE WAS READY, THOUGH, HE NAILED IT IN ONE TAKE! HIS FAMOUS TENOR IS A BARITONE NOW, BUT I THOUGHT HE SOUNDED A LOT LIKE HIS YOUNGER SELF.
ARCHIE ANDREWS, Umbria IT (outtake): WHEN JUG GOT VERONICA PREGNANT, THAT WAS THE CLOSEST WE EVER CAME TO DIVORCING; BUT THEN BEAU JACQUES CAME INTO OUR LIVES! OUR MANAGER SQUEAK McGILLICUDDY - BACK THEN, SHE WAS A PUBLICIST WORKING FOR OUR ORIGINAL MANAGER, NICHOLAS FREUND - IS AN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST. SHE TOLD US ABOUT THIS RARE PYGMY ALLIGATOR THAT HAD BEEN LIBERATED FROM A GOVERNMENT LAB.
HE COULDN'T BE RELEASED BACK INTO THE WILD AND HE'D DIE WITHOUT SOMEONE TO ADOPT AND TAKE CARE OF HIM! SO TOGETHER, VERONICA AND I NURSED BJ BACK TO HEALTH, AND THROUGH BONDING OVER A BABY GATOR WE RE-DISCOVERED OUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER. I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT THAT'S REALLY WHAT HAPPENED . . . AND THANK GOD IT DID! I WAS A FOOL TO THINK I COULD EVER DO WITHOUT MY RONIKINS.
YVONNE REMY, Bora Bora PF: VERONICA CAME IN TO OVERDUB HER PART ON "JUMPIN' JACK FLASH", A DUET WITH BETTY. SHE COULDN'T GET IT RIGHT AND EVERYBODY WAS STRESSING OUT! THANK GOD BETTY SHOWED UP A QUARTER-HOUR INTO THE DATE. VERONICA HAD ASKED HER TO COME BUT WASN'T SURE SHE'D MAKE IT. IF SHE HADN'T, I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THAT OVERDUB WOULD HAVE TAKEN; BUT WITH BETTY BY HER SIDE OFFERING MORAL SUPPORT, IT ONLY TOOK TWO MORE TAKES FOR HER TO NAIL THAT SUCKER.
BETTY COOPER, Manhattan NY (outtake): EVEN AFTER VERONICA TRIED TO STEAL THE SECOND MAN I'D EVER LOVED, IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO REALIZE IT: I DON'T LIKE HER ASS. I NEVER REALLY HAVE! HER KIND OF SELF-CENTERED BEHAVIOR IS JUST ALIEN TO ME!
I LEARNED LONG AGO THAT RONI ISN'T CAPABLE OF BEING A TRUE FRIEND, BUT ALL THE SAME I AM HER FRIEND! YOU CAN LOVE A PERSON WITHOUT LIKING THEM, AND I DO LOVE HER WITH ALL HER FAULTS. EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT TO, I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER. I GUESS THAT'S JUST THE WAY I ROLL.
HE COULDN'T BE RELEASED BACK INTO THE WILD AND HE'D DIE WITHOUT SOMEONE TO ADOPT AND TAKE CARE OF HIM! SO TOGETHER, VERONICA AND I NURSED BJ BACK TO HEALTH, AND THROUGH BONDING OVER A BABY GATOR WE RE-DISCOVERED OUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER. I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT THAT'S REALLY WHAT HAPPENED . . . AND THANK GOD IT DID! I WAS A FOOL TO THINK I COULD EVER DO WITHOUT MY RONIKINS.
YVONNE REMY, Bora Bora PF: VERONICA CAME IN TO OVERDUB HER PART ON "JUMPIN' JACK FLASH", A DUET WITH BETTY. SHE COULDN'T GET IT RIGHT AND EVERYBODY WAS STRESSING OUT! THANK GOD BETTY SHOWED UP A QUARTER-HOUR INTO THE DATE. VERONICA HAD ASKED HER TO COME BUT WASN'T SURE SHE'D MAKE IT. IF SHE HADN'T, I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THAT OVERDUB WOULD HAVE TAKEN; BUT WITH BETTY BY HER SIDE OFFERING MORAL SUPPORT, IT ONLY TOOK TWO MORE TAKES FOR HER TO NAIL THAT SUCKER.
BETTY COOPER, Manhattan NY (outtake): EVEN AFTER VERONICA TRIED TO STEAL THE SECOND MAN I'D EVER LOVED, IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO REALIZE IT: I DON'T LIKE HER ASS. I NEVER REALLY HAVE! HER KIND OF SELF-CENTERED BEHAVIOR IS JUST ALIEN TO ME!
I LEARNED LONG AGO THAT RONI ISN'T CAPABLE OF BEING A TRUE FRIEND, BUT ALL THE SAME I AM HER FRIEND! YOU CAN LOVE A PERSON WITHOUT LIKING THEM, AND I DO LOVE HER WITH ALL HER FAULTS. EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT TO, I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER. I GUESS THAT'S JUST THE WAY I ROLL.
"JUMPIN' JACK FLASH"
Words + Music by
MICK JAGGER + KEITH RICHARDS
RECORDED ON 24 JUNE 2032
LIVE IN ATHENS
BETTY + VERONICA'S VOCALS
OVERDUBBED ON 20 JULY 2033
FOX PRINTEMPS, Pelham NY: ON JULY 21, JUGGY CAME BACK IN TO WORK ON "SO MUCH LOVE", PART OF THE GOFFIN AND KING MEDLEY. HIS LIVE PERFORMANCE WAS GREAT, BUT I HAD TO ADMIT THE SUBTLE TOUCHES HE ADDED TO THE PHRASING MADE THE OVERDUB SOUND EVEN BETTER!
LATER THAT EVENING, YVIE AND I DID FINAL MIXES FOR ALL OF THE AFOREMENTIONED SONGS AS WELL AS "MOTHER AND CHILD REUNION", "LADY JANE", "UNCHAINED MELODY", "LET'S GET IT ON TODAY", "VOODOO DOLL", THE ROCK DIVAS MEDLEY, "JET AIRLINER" AND THE REST OF THE ROLLING STONES AND GOFFIN-KING MEDLEYS. PRETTY MUCH THE CORE OF THE ARCHIES' SONG REPERTOIRE!
JUGGY + BETTY'S SON
MONTANA JONES CATERS A
CONCERT AFTER-PARTY
JUGGY JONES, Dallas TX (2032): THE ARCHIES GOT TOGETHER IN COLLEGE. BACK THEN, WE CALLED OURSELVES "THE JUGGZ". I HAD MET REGGIE IN BAND CLASS, BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL. WE BOTH PLAYED SEVERAL INSTRUMENTS AND AFTER GRADUATING FROM RIVERDALE HIGH, WE DECIDED THAT WE WANTED TO START A BAND OF OUR OWN. WE RECRUITED ARCHIE, WHO HADN'T TAKEN BAND BUT WAS A GREAT SELF-TAUGHT GUITARIST. DILTON WAS WITH US, OFF AND ON: HE WAS A MULTI-INSTRUMENTALIST, TOO, BUT 'WAY MORE SKILLED THAN THE REST OF US. HE ACTED AS OUR DE FACTO MUSIC DIRECTOR.
ARCHIE AND I ATTENDED BOSTON UNIVERSITY, DILTON ATTENDED MIT AND REGGIE WAS ON SCHOLARSHIP AT YALE. THE LOGISTICS OF BEING A BAND WERE CHALLENGING FOR US, TO SAY THE LEAST! WE MANAGED TO HOLD IT TOGETHER, THOUGH, AND IN THE SUMMER OF 1987, WE LANDED A GIG IN HAMBURG, GERMANY AT THE STAR CLUB. THAT'S WHERE THE BEATLES GOT FAMOUS! WE HAD DREAMS OF DUPLICATING THEIR PATH TO STARDOM, BUT THE STAR CLUB CLOSED DOWN JUST BEFORE WE ARRIVED. NOTHING WORKED OUT FOR US OVER THERE, ALTHOUGH WE DID CUT A RECORD.
ON THE TRIP BACK TO NEW ENGLAND, WE DECIDED TO CHANGE OUR NAME TO THE ARCHIES. I WASN'T COMFORTABLE BEING PERCEIVED AS A BANDLEADER AND ARCH AND REG BOTH WANTED TO PLAY THAT ROLE. WHEN THEY FOUGHT FOR CONTROL OF THE BAND, I SIDED WITH ARCHIE. BOTH OF THEM ARE WHAT I WOULD CALL HOTHEADS, BUT REGGIE IS TOO MUCH OF A "MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY" KIND OF GUY - AT LEAST, HE WAS BACK THEN. ARCHIE WAS JUST EASIER TO REASON WITH!
GINO MANTLE, Dallas TX (2032): THE ARCHIES CAME BACK TO NEW ENGLAND FEELING PRETTY DEJECTED, BUT DILTON URGED US NOT TO GIVE UP. HE WAS LIKE AN ANCHOR FOR US, BUT BETTY AND VERONICA WERE OUR BIGGEST BOOSTERS! THEY WERE ALWAYS HANGING AROUND OUR SHOWS. RONI ATTENDED HARVARD, AND WE STARTED HAVING BAND REHEARSALS AT HER CONDO IN CAMBRIDGE. SHE AND BETTY HELPED US CUT A SONG DEMO FOR DON KIRSHNER, AND THAT SET IN MOTION A SERIES OF EVENTS THAT LED TO US SIGNING WITH HIS INDIE LABEL. IT WAS DONNIE'S IDEA TO ADD THE GIRLS TO OUR BAND; HE THOUGHT WE NEEDED MORE SEX APPEAL!
GINO MANTLE, Dallas TX (2032): THE ARCHIES CAME BACK TO NEW ENGLAND FEELING PRETTY DEJECTED, BUT DILTON URGED US NOT TO GIVE UP. HE WAS LIKE AN ANCHOR FOR US, BUT BETTY AND VERONICA WERE OUR BIGGEST BOOSTERS! THEY WERE ALWAYS HANGING AROUND OUR SHOWS. RONI ATTENDED HARVARD, AND WE STARTED HAVING BAND REHEARSALS AT HER CONDO IN CAMBRIDGE. SHE AND BETTY HELPED US CUT A SONG DEMO FOR DON KIRSHNER, AND THAT SET IN MOTION A SERIES OF EVENTS THAT LED TO US SIGNING WITH HIS INDIE LABEL. IT WAS DONNIE'S IDEA TO ADD THE GIRLS TO OUR BAND; HE THOUGHT WE NEEDED MORE SEX APPEAL!
RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Dallas TX (2032): "SEX APPEAL" MY FILTHY RICH ASS! BETTY AND I WERE SEXY LADIES THEN AND WE STILL ARE; BUT THE IDEA THAT EITHER ONE OF US WOULD JOIN A GROUP JUST TO BE EYE CANDY? AS IF!
BETTY COOPER, Dallas TX (2032): VERONICA AND I AUDITIONED FOR DON KIRSHNER. HE WANTED SOMEONE TO REPLACE DILTON, WHO QUIT THE ARCHIES JUST BEFORE HE SIGNED THEM TO A RECORDING CONTRACT. DONNIE LIKED BOTH OF US, AND WE BOTH GOT HIRED; SO WE EARNED OUR MEMBERSHIP IN THE BAND. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT TITS AND ASS! IT WAS UNDERSTOOD THAT WE'D HOLD OUR OWN AS SINGERS AND INSTRUMENTALISTS, AND WE ALWAYS DID.
BETTY COOPER, Dallas TX (2032): VERONICA AND I AUDITIONED FOR DON KIRSHNER. HE WANTED SOMEONE TO REPLACE DILTON, WHO QUIT THE ARCHIES JUST BEFORE HE SIGNED THEM TO A RECORDING CONTRACT. DONNIE LIKED BOTH OF US, AND WE BOTH GOT HIRED; SO WE EARNED OUR MEMBERSHIP IN THE BAND. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT TITS AND ASS! IT WAS UNDERSTOOD THAT WE'D HOLD OUR OWN AS SINGERS AND INSTRUMENTALISTS, AND WE ALWAYS DID.
ARCHIE ANDREWS, Dallas TX (2032): TRUTH BE TOLD, DONNIE PUSHED DILTON OUT OF THE GROUP! DILT DIDN'T FIT THE NEW IMAGE HE HAD IN MIND FOR US. WE WEREN'T TEENAGERS ANYMORE, BUT KIRSHNER RECORDS SOLD THE ARCHIES AS A NEW WAVE TEEN POP ACT, AND EVERYTHING HAD TO FIT THAT PACKAGING: OUR STAGE SETS, OUR SOUND, OUR INSTRUMENTS, OUR CLOTHES, OUR HAIR! JUG AND I EVEN HAD PLASTIC SURGERY TO MAKE US LOOK LIKE TEEN IDOLS!
THERE WAS SO MUCH GOING ON, STAYING FOCUSED ON OUR CLASSES WAS TOUGH! BUT WE ALL WANTED TO STAY IN COLLEGE, SO WE AGREED THAT WE WOULD ONLY TOUR DURING SUMMER AND SPRING BREAKS. HOWEVER, WHEN "SUGAR, SUGAR" EXPLODED AND THERE WAS SO MUCH DEMAND FOR PERSONAL APPEARANCES, WE ALL HAD TO TAKE A SEMESTER OFF. BELIEVE ME, OUR PARENTS WERE NOT HAPPY! GINO LOST HIS SCHOLARSHIP AS A RESULT; BUT AFTER WE HIT IT BIG, HE WAS ABLE TO PAY FOR HIS OWN TUITION.
"TITTY TWISTER"
THE REAL TITTY GRITTY!
Words + Music by
ARCHIE ANDREWS, LINCOLN CHASE,
FORSYTHE JONES + FAWN ETHEL MASON
RECORDED ON 30 JUNE 2032
LIVE IN NAIROBI
ARCHIE'S GUITAR + JUGGY'S VOCALS
OVERDUBBED ON 24 JULY 2033
RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Dallas TX (2032): OUR THIRD SINGLE "SUGAR, SUGAR" TOOK OFF LIKE A ROCKET, AND FROM THEN ON IT WAS A WILD ROLLER-COASTER RIDE! FAME WAS FUN AND FRIGHTENING AT THE SAME TIME: A NEVER-ENDING CYCLE OF AIRPLANE FLIGHTS, INTERVIEWS, PHOTO AND VIDEO SHOOTS, TV GUEST SPOTS, COCKTAIL PARTIES, CONCERT DATES AND PRODUCT ENDORSEMENTS (WHICH I ABSOLUTELY HATED TO DO)!
BETTY COOPER, Dallas TX (2032): ALL THE WHILE, WE KNEW THAT DON KIRSHNER'S CONCEPT OF THE ARCHIES WASN'T ACCURATE. NEW WAVE ROCK 'N' ROLL WAS A FAR CRY FROM WHO WE REALLY WERE MUSICALLY!
GINO MANTLE, Dallas TX (2032): ARCHIE DUG SOUL; RONI WAS INTO DISCO AND POP BALLADS; JUG GRAVITATED TOWARD JAZZ, AND BETTY FAVORED THE BLUES AND COUNTRY MUSIC. ME, I WAS AN ELVIS FANATIC AT THAT TIME.
WE CHAFED UNDER DONNIE'S CREATIVE CONTROL AND AFTER FOUR YEARS, WE NEGOTIATED AN END TO OUR CONTRACT WITH HIM; BUT WITHOUT HIS VISION TO GUIDE US, THE ARCHIES DRIFTED APART! WE BROKE UP AND DIDN'T FIND OUR TRUE MUSICAL IDENTITY UNTIL AFTER WE REUNITED A FEW YEARS LATER.
WE CHAFED UNDER DONNIE'S CREATIVE CONTROL AND AFTER FOUR YEARS, WE NEGOTIATED AN END TO OUR CONTRACT WITH HIM; BUT WITHOUT HIS VISION TO GUIDE US, THE ARCHIES DRIFTED APART! WE BROKE UP AND DIDN'T FIND OUR TRUE MUSICAL IDENTITY UNTIL AFTER WE REUNITED A FEW YEARS LATER.
IRONICALLY CAROLE KING, WHO WAS DON KIRSHNER'S MOST SUCCESSFUL DISCOVERY, HAD A LOT TO DO WITH THAT! FOR A HOT MINUTE, SHE WAS GOING TO BE OUR NEW PRODUCER. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, BUT CAROLE WORKED WITH US LONG ENOUGH TO REVOLUTIONIZE OUR SOUND: FROM THAT POINT FORWARD, WE WERE A BAND WITH FIVE LEAD SINGERS INSTEAD OF JUST ONE!
"CRAVE IT LIKE THE ARCHIES DO!"
AD FOR MALINCHE MEXICAN FOOD
CIRCA 1989
ARCHIE ANDREWS, Dallas TX (2032): YEAH, WE STAGED A COUPLE OF SUMMER TOURS AS COLLEGE STUDENTS, BUT THOSE WERE CHICKENSHIT OPERATIONS COMPARED TO WHAT WE JUST DID! I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT, EVEN BACK THEN, WE KNEW HOW TO PUT ON A BITCHIN' SHOW. JUGGY, GINO AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN NATURAL SHOWMEN, AND WE KNOW HOW TO PLEASE AN AUDIENCE; NONE OF OURS EVER WENT HOME DISAPPOINTED!
WE WERE NEVER ANYBODY'S OPENING ACT, EITHER. "SUGAR, SUGAR" WAS SUCH A HUGE HIT, WE DIDN'T HAVE TO ACCEPT SECOND BILLING. THE ARCHIES WERE ALWAYS HEADLINERS!
BETTY COOPER, Dallas TX (2032): IN 2001, WE HIRED A NEW MANAGER: NICHOLAS FREUND, HALF OF THE '60S FOLK DUO FREUND AND LOVER. BIG NIPSY IS A HELLA HARD WORKER, AND HE HAD A LOT TO DO WITH THE SUCCESS WE'VE ENJOYED AS ADULTS. HE ALWAYS USED TO COME OUT WITH US ON TOUR, BUT HIS HEALTH ISN'T SO GOOD THESE DAYS. A YEAR AGO, HE URGED US TO HIRE HIS RIGHT-HAND WOMAN, SQUEAK McGILLICUDDY TO REPLACE HIM. SHE'S TURNED OUT TO BE A GREAT MANAGER, TOO; THE TRANSITION COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE SMOOTH!
GINO MANTLE, Dallas TX (2032): I'M ONLY MAKING GUEST APPEARANCES ON THE FAREWELL TOUR, SO I DON'T HAVE MUCH SAY ABOUT REPERTOIRE. THERE'S ONE NUMBER I INSISTED THEY INCLUDE, THOUGH: "GOD BLESS ROCK 'N' ROLL"! RON DANTE WROTE THAT SONG FOR US BACK IN 2005; IT REALLY SUMS UP MY LIFE.
USED TO GET IN TROUBLE
EVERY CHANCE I COULD!
NO ONE EVER THOUGHT THAT
I WOULD TURN OUT ANY GOOD
COULD HAVE DONE A LOT THINGS
COULD HAVE STOLE YOUR CAR!
COULD HAVE PICKED YOUR POCKET
BUT I PICKED UP THIS GUITAR.
GOD BLESS ROCK AND ROLL!
ROCK AND ROLL SAVED MY LIFE.
WITHOUT ROCK AND ROLL,
IT WOULD'VE BEEN A DIFFERENT LIFE.
ROCKIN' SET ME FREE!
ROCKIN' ROLLED MY SOUL!
SO GOD BLESS YOU, AND GOD BLESS ME
AND GOD BLESS ROCK AND ROLL!*
"GOD BLESS ROCK + ROLL"
Words + Music by
RON DANTE + HOWIE GREENFIELD
RECORDED 29 JUNE 2032
LIVE IN JERUSALEM
AS A TEENAGER, I WAS A PERFECT LITTLE SMART ASS AND A WANNABE STREET THUG! EVEN THOUGH MY GRADES WERE GOOD ENOUGH TO EARN ME A SCHOLARSHIP, I WAS ALWAYS CUTTING CLASS AND GETTING INTO TROUBLE. MY DAD HAD TO BAIL ME OUT OF SEVERAL BAD SITUATIONS, AND I WAS WELL ON MY WAY TO LOGGING A CRIMINAL RECORD. CO-FOUNDING THE JUGGZ IS REALLY WHAT SET ME ON THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW.
SNORT! I GUESS THAT'S NOT THE BEST CHOICE OF WORDS FOR A PANSEXUAL ICON LIKE ME . . . BUT I FINALLY GOT ON THE RIGHT TRACK. I CHANNELED MY AGGRESSION INTO POP MUSIC AND THE REST IS HISTORY.
"GOD BLESS ROCK 'N' ROLL" BECAME A SHOW-STOPPER ALL OVER THE WORLD! I RECOMMENDED UPLOADING A LIVE VERSION TO SPOTIFY, BUT RONI WASN'T INTERESTED! DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE TOLD ME? "THE ARCHIES ARE BEYOND NEEDING TO RELEASE SINGLES." AY-YI-YI!
JUGGY JONES, Santa Barbara CA: BETTY AND I MARRIED UP JUST BEFORE THE GROUP DISBANDED FOR THE FIRST TIME, IN 1992. TWO YEARS LATER, ARCHIE PROPOSED TO RONI BUT ONLY AFTER A LOT OF URGING FROM ME! SHE THOUGHT HE WAS PINING FOR BETTY BUT THE TRUTH IS, HE WAS TERRIFIED THAT SHE'D TURN HIM DOWN! DUDE JUST COULDN'T GET UP THE NERVE TO ASK.
FOR A WHILE, BETTY AND ME WERE AS PERFECT A MATCH AS YOU COULD WANT. THEN THINGS CHANGED . . . A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK ANDERSON COOPER CAME BETWEEN US. NO WAY! WE WERE COMING APART LONG BEFORE SHE MET HIM. WE NEVER STOPPED LOVING EACH OTHER, BUT WE JUST COULDN'T LIVE TOGETHER ANYMORE. MORE THAN ANYTHING, I THINK THE DECISION TO GIVE UP BABY DEAN IS WHAT KILLED OUR MARRIAGE.
FOR A WHILE, BETTY AND ME WERE AS PERFECT A MATCH AS YOU COULD WANT. THEN THINGS CHANGED . . . A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK ANDERSON COOPER CAME BETWEEN US. NO WAY! WE WERE COMING APART LONG BEFORE SHE MET HIM. WE NEVER STOPPED LOVING EACH OTHER, BUT WE JUST COULDN'T LIVE TOGETHER ANYMORE. MORE THAN ANYTHING, I THINK THE DECISION TO GIVE UP BABY DEAN IS WHAT KILLED OUR MARRIAGE.
DEAN CHRISTOPHER, Newark NJ: I DECIDED TO GET A DNA TEST. WAS IT REALLY POSSIBLE THAT IRISH/JEWISH BETTY COOPER OF THE ARCHIES COULD BE MY MOTHER? AND JAPANESE/JEWISH JUGGY JONES, HER HUSBAND AT THE TIME OF MY BIRTH, MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER? THAT TEST PROVIDED ME WITH A SPLIT DECISION: "YES" TO THE FIRST QUESTION, AND "NO" TO THE SECOND. THOSE RESULTS HINTED AT THE REASON WHY I WAS PUT UP FOR ADOPTION!
*"God Bless Rock 'n' Roll", words + music by
Howie Greenfield + Ron Dante.
Copyright Dante Music/Kirshner-CBS Music Publishing (BMI)
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