God Bless Rock and Roll (Part One)

The Archies are among the most under-used characters in the Archie Comics universe! The editors almost treat them like an afterthought. Pop Culture Cantina saw tremendous potential in The Archies and their friends and explored that potential thoroughly! The result was a Baker's Dozen of "Pop Art-Chie" features. The first one was posted here in 2014 and new productions appeared more or less on a yearly basis. 

"God Bless Rock 'n' Roll" is the twelfth and likely final entry in what we call our "Pop Archie Bundle". Right now, it's one of Blogger's best-kept secrets! Maybe someday graphic novel fans will discover this unique series . . . or maybe not.  Whatever the case, this new "mock screenplay" takes The Archies all around the world and is definitely the best of the bunch.  We hope you enjoy it!

POP CULTURE CANTINA

presents

A Marvelous Lie Production

GOD BLESS ROCK 'N' ROLL!

Adapted from a Song Written by
RON DANTE + HOWIE GREENFIELD

Produced by CARMINE GRANITO

Screenplay by DC HAMPTON JACOBS

Cinematography by STUFFED ANIMAL

Costumes by NERO the DOG

Pop Art Images Inspired by

ARCHIE COMICS CHARACTERS

The Bandleader/ARCHIE ANDREWS

The Blues Singer/BETTY COOPER

The Gigolo/CHEVY LONG DONG

The Vocal Coach/TIMOTHY GARLAND

The Jazz Singer/JUGGY JONES
The Rock Star/KEVIN KELLER

The Boss Lady/RONI LODGE-ANDREWS

The Executive Producer/ALAN MAYBERRY

The Manager/

HEATHER "SQUEAK" McGILLICUDDY

The Producer/FOX PRINTEMPS

The Studio Sound Engineer/YVONNE REMY

The Reggae Queen/TONI TOPAZ

with

Comedy Relief/BEAU JACQUES

Musical Accompaniment/MARIACHI LOWRIDER

Backing Vocalists/COCHINADA BROTHERS

Backing Vocal Choir/RIVERDALE ROCK CHORALE (final show)

Dancing Ladies/ZOOT SUIT MUCHACHAS

Dance Troupe/DULCE de FUEGO (final show)

and introducing

DEAN CHRISTOPHER!

Screenplay Narrated by The Sorceress . . .

SABRINA "BREE" SPELLMAN

THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL WORLD TOUR

NORTH AMERICAN LEG

MARCH 2032

WASHINGTON, DC - Saturday the 6th

BALTIMORE, MD - Sunday the 7th

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Saturday the 13th

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Sunday the 14th

BOSTON, MA - Saturday the 20th

DETROIT, MI - Sunday the 21st

CHICAGO, IL - Saturday the 27th

MONTREAL, QUÉBEC, CA - Sunday the 28th

BREE SPELLMAN: FOR TEN GLORIOUS YEARS IN THE EARLY 2000'S, THE ARCHIES RULED THE POP CHARTS! MIRACULOUSLY FOR THAT ERA, THEY SOLD MILLIONS OF RECORDS WITH NEGLIGIBLE RADIO AIRPLAY. THE SALES WERE GENERATED BY THEIR STATUS AS ICONIC CELEBRITIES, AS WELL AS THEIR REPUTATION AS SUPERB INTERPRETERS OF ROCK 'N' ROLL CLASSICS. ARCHIES CONCERT TOURS WERE AMONG THE MOST POPULAR AND LUCRATIVE OF THEIR DAY.

BUT THEN IN LATE 2014, EVIL CORPORATE RAIDER JASON BLOSSOM PURCHASED THEIR RECORDING CONTRACT AND CATALOG. THE ARCHIES REFUSED TO CUT NEW MATERIAL FOR HIM, AND YEARS OF LITIGATION ENSUED. ONE OF AMERICA'S MOST BELOVED SINGING GROUPS FELL SILENT, AND FANS WERE HEARTBROKEN. 

BUT A DECADE FROM NOW, JASON BLOSSOM WILL BE DEAD! THE ARCHIES WILL RETURN TO THE TOP OF THE CHARTS WITH A BRAND NEW RELEASE. ONE YEAR LATER, THEY'LL RETURN TO THE CONCERT STAGE FOR THE LAST TIME. BY THEN, EACH GROUP MEMBER WILL BE OVER THE AGE OF 65.

FOLLOW ME INTO THE FUTURE! MY WICCAN POWERS WILL OPEN A SCRAPBOOK OF MEMORIES YET TO COME. YOU WILL HEAR KEY EXCERPTS OF INTERVIEWS WITH THE ARCHIES AND THEIR ASSOCIATES. THEY ARE TAKEN FROM A DOCUMENTARY CALLED "ADIÓS AMIGOS", TO BE FILMED DURING AND AFTER THE GROUP'S FINAL CONCERT TOUR.

A COMPREHENSIVE BOX SET OF ARCHIES 

MASTERS TO BE RELEASED IN 

THE YEAR 2125

THE TIME: THE YEAR 2033 

(with flashbacks to 2032)
THE PLACE: VARIOUS FILMED LOCATIONS

TIMOTHY GARLAND, Nashville TN: THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL TOUR LAUNCHED FROM HAVERHILL, MASSACHUSETTS ON MARCH 3, 2032. THEY HAD ALREADY PLAYED SEVERAL DATES WHEN I GOT AN URGENT CALL FROM RONI LODGE-ANDREWS. SHE WAS DESPERATE FOR MY HELP!

SQUEAK McGILLICUDDY, Pelham NY: IT ISN'T COMMON KNOWLEDGE, BUT FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS, ARCHIE ANDREWS HAS BEEN HAVING SERIOUS VOICE PROBLEMS.  HE HADN'T INTENDED TO SING ON THIS TOUR; HEAVY METAL ICON KEVIN KELLER WAS HIRED AS THE ARCHIES' NEW LEAD SINGER. HOWEVER, AUDIENCES WERE CLAMORING FOR ARCHIE! THEY WERE BOOING KEVIN'S VERSIONS OF THE HITS, AND IT THREATENED TO DERAIL THE TOUR.

TIMOTHY GARLAND, Nashville TN: I GOT MY STUFF TOGETHER AND BOARDED AN OVERNIGHT FLIGHT.

RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Pelham NY: KEVIN KELLER MAY BE A BIG, MACHO ARMY VET, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HIS FEELINGS CAN'T BE HURT. HE' S ACTUALLY VERY SENSITIVE! WHEN THEY BOOED HIM HE STARTED CRYING ONSTAGE, AND THEN THE BOOING JUST GOT LOUDER! IT WAS AWFUL . . . AND THAT WASN'T OUR ONLY PROBLEM.

WE WERE TOURING OUR LATEST STUDIO ALBUM, WHICH IS WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO; BUT MOST OF THE NEW MATERIAL SEEMED TO LEAVE AUDIENCES COLD! CLEARLY, IT WASN'T WHAT THEY WANTED TO HEAR. THEY CRAVED OUR VINTAGE HITS AND THEY'D GO CRAZY WHENEVER WE PLAYED ONE! WE ENDED UP SHUFFLING OUR SET LIST AND ELIMINATING MOST OF OUR NEWER SONGS.

TIMOTHY GARLAND, Nashville TN: THE NEXT MORNING, I WAS IN MANHATTAN, HAVING BREAKFAST WITH ARCHIE AND RONI IN THEIR HOTEL SUITE. I WAS ONLY SUPPOSED TO COACH ARCHIE FOR TWO OR THREE CONCERTS, BUT RONI ASKED ME TO STAY WITH HIM LONGER. SHE FELT HE WOULD CONTINUE TO NEED MY PROFESSIONAL EXPERTISE AND MORAL SUPPORT. 

ARCHIE WAS ASHAMED TO ASK ME HIMSELF, BUT I COULD TELL HE ALSO WANTED ME THERE.  I CLEARED MY SCHEDULE FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS AND SIGNED ON FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE TOUR. I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT FOR ANYONE ELSE!

CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): EARLY TOUR DATES DON'T SELL OUT. AUDIENCES LOUDLY REJECT KEVIN KELLER SINGING HITS THAT ARCHIE ORIGINALLY SANG! A VOICE COACH FOR ARCHIE IS CALLED IN, AND ADDITIONAL SONG ARRANGEMENTS ARE COMMISSIONED FROM BREE SPELLMAN, THE ARCHIES' FORMER TOURING MUSIC DIRECTOR.

RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Pelham NY: TIMMY WAS A LIFESAVER! ONCE HE WAS ON BOARD WITH US AND ARCHIEKINS STARTED SINGING AGAIN, THE SITUATION TURNED ITSELF AROUND.

MAL HYPSTER (THIRD FROM LEFT) WILL BE MALE LEAD SINGER OF THE NEW ARCHIES. VOICE COACH TIMOTHY GARLAND IS 

HIS FATHER.

TIMOTHY GARLAND, Nashville TN: BACK IN THE EIGHTIES WHEN I WAS STILL PERFORMING, I STAGED A COUPLE OF TOURS OF MY OWN. NOTHING ON THIS SCALE, THOUGH! THE ARCHIES WERE PLAYING STADIUMS AND HUGE CONCERT HALLS WITH MARIACHI MUSICIANS AND A BIG DANCE TROUPE IN TOW. THEY HAD A FLEET OF PRIVATE PLANES, COLOSSAL STAGE SETS AND DOZENS OF ROADIES: IT WAS A GIGANTIC TRAVELING SOUND AND LIGHT MACHINE! 

ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, THEY WERE DEBUTING A TECHNOLOGICAL INNOVATION: DRONE MICROPHONES!  TECHNICIANS WERE EVERYWHERE, MAKING SURE THEY FUNCTIONED PROPERLY.

SQUEAK McGILLICUDDY, Pelham NY: IT WAS A MASSIVE OPERATION, BUT RONI ALWAYS HAD A HANDLE ON EVERYTHING. SHE'S LIKE A HOLLYWOOD DIRECTOR, BARKING ORDERS AND CREATING CONTROLLED CHAOS!

TIMOTHY GARLAND, Nashville TN: IN THE MIDST OF IT ALL, I KEPT ARCHIE'S VOICE IN SHAPE FOR STAGE PERFORMANCE. IT WAS HARD KEEPING UP WITH HIM, BECAUSE HE HAD A HAND IN EVERY ASPECT OF THE TOUR: VENUES, MUSICAL ARRANGEMENTS, CHOREOGRAPHY, ACOUSTICS, LIGHTING. SURE, HE AND RONI HAD HIRED PEOPLE TO OFFICIALLY HANDLE THOSE THINGS, BUT SOONER OR LATER THEY ALL HAD TO COLLABORATE WITH "BIG RED"!

"THE GRASS WILL SING FOR YOU"

Words + Music by 

TONY BRUNO + VIC MILLROSE
RECORDED ON 13 MARCH 2032
LIVE IN PHILADELPHIA

ARCHIE'S VOCALS OVERDUBBED 

ON 19 JULY 2033

CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): ATTENDANCE PICKS UP IN MONTRÉAL WHERE CANADIAN AUDIENCES TURN OUT TO HEAR GROUP MEMBER JUGGY JONES SING "CONNAISSEZ". THE FRENCH-LANGUAGE TUNE WAS AN ACROSS-THE-BOARD SMASH FOR JUGGY TWENTY YEARS AGO. ITS ENDURING POPULARITY IN CANADA WILL BE ONE OF THE MIRACLES THAT SALVAGES A TOUR ON THE VERGE OF GOING UP IN FLAMES!

JUGGY JONES, Riverdale USA: IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THIS IS THE END OF THE ROAD! NO MORE RECORDING SESSIONS, REHEARSALS OR TOURS. AFTER HAVING BEEN PART OF EACH OTHER'S LIVES FOR SO LONG, WE JUST WON'T BE ANYMORE. OF COURSE, I KNOW I'LL SEE BETTY AGAIN, AND KELLY, TOO . . . BUT TREVOR? REGGIE? ARCHIE? VERONICA? MOST LIKELY NOT. THAT'S PAINFUL TO THINK ABOUT.

BETTY COOPER, Riverdale USA (2032): DESPITE SPENDING FOUR YEARS ON THE ROAD WITH MY BAND THE BETTYS, GOING OUT ON TOUR IS NOT MY FAVORITE THING TO DO. THAT SAID, I LOVE SINGING TO A LIVE AUDIENCE! I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT: THERE'S SOMETHING SO INTOXICATING ABOUT WINNING OVER A CROWD! IT BRINGS OUT THE BEST IN MY PERFORMANCES.

KEVIN KELLER, Taos NM: BETTY IS A FUCKING AWESOME PERFORMER, MAN.

BETTY COOPER, Riverdale USA (2032): VERONICA IS JUST THE OPPOSITE. NOT THAT SHE ISN'T GOOD ON STAGE, BUT IT TAKES A STUDIO ENVIRONMENT TO REALLY GET HER CREATIVE JUICES FLOWING!  SHE THRIVES IN THE STUDIO, AND I THINK IT WAS INEVITABLE THAT SHE BECAME THE ARCHIES' PRODUCER. 

RONI HAS AN EXCELLENT EAR, SO NO MATTER HOW GREAT WE THINK WE SOUND LIVE, WHEN SHE SAYS "LET'S DO SOME OVERDUBS", NOBODY ARGUES. WE OVERDUB!   SO WE'RE GONNA MEET UP AT ALAN M'S HOME STUDIO IN BORA BORA. WHILE WE'RE IN TAHITI, THE ARCHIES WILL HOLD THEIR FINAL BUSINESS MEETING.

"BANG-SHANG-A-LANG"

Words + Music by 

JEFF BARRY

RECORDED ON 27 MARCH 2032
LIVE IN CHICAGO
ARCHIE'S VOCALS OVERDUBBED 

ON 20 JULY 2033

ALAN MAYBERRY, Bora Bora PF: WHEN ARCHIE, VERONICA, BIG NIPSY AND I SOLD THE ARCHIE RECORD LABEL TO JASON BLOSSOM IN 2014, WE DISSOLVED OUR BUSINESS PARTNERSHIP. I MOVED TO NASHVILLE AND BECAME CHIEF ENGINEER FOR THE PEERMUSIC GROUP. A GOOD WORKING ENVIRONMENT, AND GREAT PAY! BUT BY THEN I'D BEEN HAUNTING STUDIOS FOR OVER FORTY YEARS; I STARTED THINKING ABOUT RETIREMENT.

I KNEW I WANTED TO LIVE OUT MY GOLDEN YEARS IN A TROPICAL CLIMATE. AN OLD BOYFRIEND OF MINE SUGGESTED BORA BORA. I CAME OUT HERE TWELVE YEARS AGO, FELL IN LOVE WITH THE PLACE AND DECIDED TO STAY. I HAVEN'T WORN A PAIR OF LONG PANTS SINCE!

I ENDED UP COMING OUT OF RETIREMENT AND OPENING MY OWN RECORDING FACILITY. AT FIRST, IT WAS IN MY HOME. MY REPUTATION WITH THE ARCHIES DREW POP ARTISTS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, AND IT BECAME A VERY LUCRATIVE OPERATION. I DIDN'T KNOW IT BUT ALL THE WHILE, THE CASINO ACROSS THE BAY WAS BECOMING MORE AND MORE INTERESTED IN MY CELEBRITY CLIENTS!

YVONNE REMY, Bora Bora PF: ONE DAY SOME REPRESENTATIVES FROM GRAND CASINO BORA BORA CAME TO VISIT. THEY MADE DADDY AN OFFER HE COULDN'T REFUSE: A BRAND NEW, STATE-OF-THE-ART RECORDING STUDIO OF HIS OWN DESIGN, FREE OF CHARGE! IT WOULD BE BUILT ON THE TOP FLOOR OF THEIR GAMBLING PALACE.

THEY HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT: MUSICIANS WHO CAME TO GAMBLE COULD RUN UPSTAIRS AND LAY DOWN TRACKS; AND IF THE STUDIO WAS THEIR FIRST DESTINATION, THE ROULETTE AND BLACKJACK TABLES WOULD LURE THEM DOWNSTAIRS AT SOME POINT. IT WAS A WIN-WIN SITUATION, AND THAT'S HOW CASINO ROYALE RECORDING STUDIOS CAME TO BE.

ALAN MAYBERRY, Bora Bora PF: I TRAINED MY DAUGHTER YVIE ON THE BOARD; THAT STUDIO IS LIKE A SECOND HOME TO HER NOW.

ARCHIE ANDREWS, Bora Bora PF: BORA BORA IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!  WE SHOULD HAVE TAKEN UP ALAN M'S INVITATION TO VISIT YEARS AGO. IT'S ONE OF THE FEW PLACES I CAN TRAVEL TO WITH MY PET GATOR, BEAU JACQUES! 

MOST PEOPLE ARE INITIALLY AFRAID OF BJ, BUT THE HOTEL STAFF HERE FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM RIGHT AWAY. AND REALLY, HOW COULD THEY RESIST? HE'S GOT THE SWEETEST NATURE, AND THE SLIMY LITTLE DUDE JUST LOVES TO CUDDLE!

KEVIN KELLER, Taos NM: BEAU JACQUES IS A FUCKING AWESOME PET GATOR, MAN.

ARCHIE ANDREWS, Bora Bora PF: THEY WANTED TO KNOW ALL ABOUT HIM.  I TOLD THEM HOW HE WAS A LIBERATED LABORATORY ANIMAL ON THE VERGE OF DEATH; HOW RONI AND I NURSED HIM BACK TO HEALTH; HIS ALLERGY TO MEAT AND THE MACROBIOTIC DIET HE NEEDS TO SURVIVE; AND HIS AMAZING WATER-TEMPERATURE TOLERANCE. HE CAN STAND EXTREME COLD OR HEAT BUT NATURALLY, HE LIKES IT ON THE WARMER SIDE. THE HOTEL HAS SET BJ UP IN HIS OWN HOT WATER HABITAT, AND HE'S HAPPY AS CAN BE!

BEAU JACQUES, Bora Bora PF: GURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGLE!

ARCHIE ANDREWS, Bora Bora PF: THERE WAS ONE LITTLE INCIDENT, THOUGH, WHEN ANOTHER GUEST CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF HIM IN THERE . . . BABE DAMN NEAR FAINTED! WELL, I GUESS IT ISN'T EVERY DAY YOU SEE A PYGMY ALLIGATOR LOUNGING IN A HOT TUB.

CHEVY LONG DONG, CO-WRITER AND NARRATOR OF "ADIÓS AMIGOS", A FILM DOCUMENTARY OF THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL WORLD TOUR

FOX PRINTEMPS, Montréal CA (in 2032):  ARCHIE AND RONI LODGE-ANDREWS FOUNDED MY ALMA MATER, THE RIVERDALE MUSIC ACADEMY, BUT THEIR PHILANTHROPY DIDN'T STOP THERE.  THEY'RE ALWAYS MAKING OPPORTUNITIES HAPPEN FOR YOUNG MUSICIANS LIKE ME.  THE ANDREWS HIRED ME TO WORK WITH THE ARCHIES ON THEIR LAST STUDIO ALBUM, AND THEN THEY ASKED ME TO BE THEIR TOURING PIANIST. AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH GOOD LUCK, RONI ASSIGNED ME TO PRODUCE THEIR NEW LIVE-IN-CONCERT ALBUM! 

RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Pelham NY: IT'S ACTUALLY A SOUNDTRACK ALBUM, BUT DIFFERENT FROM THE FILM SOUNDTRACK. THAT WAS PREPARED IN MEDALLÍN, COLOMBIA BY RALFI CHINGAS AND HIS HUSBAND EDDIE ROXCHILD. EDDIE'S ALWAYS BEEN MY FAVORITE SOUND ENGINEER, SO I HIRED HIM TO BE THE AUDIO PRODUCER ON TOUR.

SQUEAK McGILLICUDDY, Pelham NY: ARCHIE AND RONI WANTED A DIFFERENT SET OF PERFORMANCES FOR COMMERCIAL RELEASE. THEY SENT SELECTED RECORDINGS TO BORA BORA WHERE ALAN MAYBERRY NOW LIVES AND RUNS A STUDIO. THAT'S WHERE FOX PRINTEMPS REMIXED THEM WITH HELP FROM ALAN M'S DAUGHTER YVONNE REMY. ALAN WAS THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER.

FOX PRINTEMPS, Pelham NY: NOT TO BRAG, BUT YVIE AND I DID THE HANDS-ON WORK. ALAN M TIMED THE MIXES, AND THAT WAS ABOUT ALL HE DID! YVIE WAS CERTAINLY HAPPY TO HAVE HIM THERE, THOUGH. SHE REALLY LOVES HER DAD, AND IT SHOWS.

YVONNE REMY, Bora Bora PF: ARCHIE, VERONICA, BETTY AND JUGGY DECIDED TO OVERDUB SOME OF THEIR LIVE VOCALS.  THEY CAME UP TO THE STUDIO AND LAID DOWN THEIR TRACKS WHILE WE WERE WORKING ON THE ALBUM.

ARCHIE ANDREWS, Bora Bora PF: THE PERFORMANCE I MOST WANTED TO FIX WAS "THE GRASS WILL SING FOR YOU". THAT WAS THE MOST POPULAR BALLAD FROM OUR FINAL STUDIO ALBUM, SO NATURALLY WE DID IT ON STAGE. INITIALLY, KELLY WAS GONNA HANDLE IT BUT AUDIENCES JUST WEREN'T GOING FOR THAT . . . THEY WANTED TO HEAR ME, AND MY SINGING VOICE!

WELL, IT'S NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE. MOST OF THE THINGS I USED TO DO SOLO ARE DUETS NOW, JUST TO EASE SOME OF MY VOCAL STRAIN. "GRASS" HAD TO BE DONE SOLO, THOUGH, SO I CALLED ON MY OLD VOICE COACH, TIMOTHY GARLAND. NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, TIM GOT MY VOICE IN GOOD ENOUGH SHAPE TO PERFORM THAT BALLAD; BUT I WAS NEVER SATISFIED WITH HOW I SOUNDED.

WE THOUGHT WE COULD FIX THE DEFICIENCIES IN THE STUDIO, BUT IT JUST DIDN'T HAPPEN. EVEN THOUGH I PERFORMED "GRASS" AT MOST OF THE CONCERTS, I DECIDED TO LEAVE IT OFF THE NEW ALBUM. ALAN M AND VERONICA WEREN'T HAPPY ABOUT THAT, BUT THEY RESPECTED MY WISHES.

"HIP SHAKER"

Words + Music by 

JEFF BARRY, ELLIE GREENWICH
+ PHIL SPECTOR
RECORDED ON 14 MARCH 2032
LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY

BETTY + VERONICA'S VOCALS 

OVERDUBBED ON 23 JULY 2033

ALAN MAYBERRY, Bora Bora PF (outtake): A WEEK BEFORE THOSE OVERDUB SESSIONS, I FOUND OUT I WAS IN THE EARLY STAGES OF DEMENTIA. UP UNTIL NOW, YVIE WAS THE ONLY OTHER PERSON WHO KNEW. DID IT SHOW? WAS MY BEHAVIOR IN THE STUDIO ERRATIC? I FELT SO UNCOMFORTABLE! 

I WISH YVIE HADN'T INSISTED ON ME BEING THERE. SHE CERTAINLY DOESN'T NEED ME COACHING HER ANYMORE; SHE CAN HANDLE ANYTHING ARCHIE AND VERONICA THROW AT HER. SHE JUST WANTED ME TO FEEL LIKE I'M STILL IN CHARGE, GOD BLESS HER; BUT I KNOW THAT ISN'T TRUE!

RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Bora Bora PF (outtake): BETTY AND JUGGY WERE MARRIED, AND THEN THEY DIVORCED. WHEN SHE AND ANDERSON COOPER ANNOUNCED THEIR WEDDING ENGAGEMENT, THE WHOLE WORLD WAS SHOCKED! AFTER ALL, ANDERSON IS AMERICA'S MOST FAMOUS GAY NEWS ANCHOR; BUT THEY'VE BUILT A WONDERFUL LIFE TOGETHER. HEY, IF IT WORKS FOR THEM, WHO'S GOT THE RIGHT TO CRITICIZE?

NOT EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THEY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE. ARCHIEKINS, JUGGY AND ME WERE THE ONLY ONES WHO WEREN'T SURPRISED WHEN BETTY SHOWED UP AT THE TOUR LAUNCH WITH A BOY TOY!  SQUEAL!  IT TURNED OUT HE WAS ONE OF THE WRITERS HELPING RAJ PATEL, WHO'S MAKING A DOCUMENTARY OF OUR TOUR. NOW I HEAR CHEVY LONG DONG WILL NARRATE THE FILM, TOO.

BETTY TOLD ME THAT CHEVY IS A MIX OF VIETNAMESE AND PALESTINIAN: TALL, DARK AND VERY HANDSOME! IN MY YOUNGER DAYS, I'D PROBABLY HAVE GONE FOR HIM MY DAMN SELF! THE TWO OF THEM COULDN'T KEEP THEIR HANDS OFF EACH OTHER DURING THE FIRST PART OF THE TOUR, BUT THE FIRES OF MAY/DECEMBER LUST EVENTUALLY COOLED DOWN.  BETTYKINS' INFATUATIONS TEND TO NOT LAST LONG, YOU KNOW . . .

BACK COVER OF THE SOUVENIR
PROGRAM FROM THE ARCHIES'
FINAL CONCERT

TONI TOPAZ, Montréal, CA (2032 outtake): CHEVY REMINDS ME A LOT OF MAX MANISCHEVITZ, WHO I BRIEFLY DATED YEARS AGO. THAT WAS IN 2014, WHEN I RECORDED WITH THE ARCHIES IN BERLIN. SPEAKING OF MAX, WE'RE GOING BACK TO GERMANY TO CUT ANOTHER RECORD WITH HIM. THAT WILL HAPPEN ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE TOUR. I HEAR THE BOY HAS BEEN ASKING ABOUT ME . . .SQUEAL!  I THINK JUGGY IS JEALOUS!

RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Bora Bora, PF (outtake): NOT UNLIKE OUR FRIEND REGINALD WHITNEY MANTLE the 3rd, MR. DONG IS THE LOTHARIO TYPE. BY TOUR'S END HE'D BEDDED AT LEAST TWO OF OUR DANCERS! THEN HE STARTED A RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR TOUR PIANIST, FOX PRINTEMPS; BUT NOW I SENSE HE'S GOT HIS EYE ON SOMEONE ELSE.

YVONNE REMY, Bora Bora PF (outtake): BORA BORA IS FULL OF CUTE ASIAN BOYS, BUT I'VE NEVER MET ANYBODY AS SEXY AS CHEVY LONG DONG. HE CAN MAKE LOVE TO YOU WITH NOTHING BUT THOSE SMOLDERING DARK EYES OF HIS! I THINK HE'S GOT A LOT MORE TO OFFER, THOUGH, JUDGING BY THE WAY HE LOOKS IN A TIGHT PAIR OF BIKE SHORTS. 

 SURE, BETTY COOPER USED TO BE HIS LOVER, BUT HE TOLD ME THAT'S ALL OVER WITH. VERONICA LODGE-ANDREWS IS SUCH A GODDAMN GOSSIP! SHE STARTED A RUMOR THAT CHEVY IS MESSING AROUND WITH FOXIE, BUT I KNOW BETTER. HE NEVER PAYS ANY ATTENTION TO HER; I'M THE ONE HE CAN'T LEAVE ALONE.  WE'VE MADE A DATE FOR TONIGHT . . . SOOKIE, SOOKIE NOW!

CLICK BELOW:

REGGIE MANTLE RETURNS AND 

ZOOT SUIT MUCHACHAS BUST

A MOVE ON THE SECOND LEG 

OF THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL 

WORLD TOUR.