God Bless Rock and Roll (Part Two)
Dig Mary Elizabeth "Betty" Cooper, the pretty blonde who sings the Hell out of the Blues; unlucky in love, she pours beaucoup heartache into her songs! Forsythe Jerome "Juggy" Jones, the wise and level-headed role model; cool and serene on the surface, but a storm of emotions inside!
Veronica "Roni" Lodge-Andrews, the smart and sassy billionaire; a steel magnolia hidden behind a flighty, gossipy façade! Reginald Whitney "Gino" Mantle, the edgy and ambitious sideman who took the right chances and ended up a Spanish-language superstar!
Archer St. Christopher "Archie" Andrews, leader of the band, at one time a great singer and still one of the best guitarists in the business! Then there's Kevin "Kelly" Keller, whose impressive résumé includes Heavy Metal headbanger, cocktail Jazz singer, Army vet and Republican senator.
Also in the mix are Trevor (Santiago) Smith, the ace session guitarist who came along for the ride at Archie's invitation; and "Toni" Topaz Braithwaite, a multi-talented takes-no-bullshit tigress from the Caribbean. Ladies and gentlemen, these are The Archies . . . Cantina style!
POP CULTURE CANTINA
POP CULTURE CANTINA
presents
A Marvelous Lie Production
GOD BLESS ROCK 'N' ROLL!
Adapted from a Song Written by
RON DANTE + HOWIE GREENFIELD
RON DANTE + HOWIE GREENFIELD
Produced by CARMINE GRANITO
Screenplay by DC HAMPTON JACOBS
Cinematography by STUFFED ANIMAL
Costumes by NERO the DOG
Pop Art Images Inspired by
ARCHIE COMICS CHARACTERS
The Bandleader/ARCHIE ANDREWS
The Blues Singer/BETTY COOPER
The Arranger/DILTON DOILEY BRISEÑO
The Gigolo/CHEVY LONG DONG
The Rock Star/KEVIN KELLER
The Boss Lady/RONI LODGE-ANDREWS
The Tejano Star/GINO MANTLE
The Manager/
HEATHER "SQUEAK" McGILLICUDDY
The Studio Sound Engineer/YVONNE REMY
The Reggae Queen/TONI TOPAZ
with
Comedy Relief/BEAU JACQUES
Musical Accompaniment/MARIACHI LOWRIDER
Backing Vocalists/COCHINADA BROTHERS
Backing Vocal Choir/RIVERDALE ROCK CHORALE (final show)
Dancing Ladies/ZOOT SUIT MUCHACHAS
Dance Troupe/DULCE de FUEGO (final show)
and introducing
DEAN CHRISTOPHER!
Screenplay Narrated by The Sorceress . . .
SABRINA "BREE" SPELLMAN
THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL WORLD TOUR
SOUTH/CENTRAL-AMERICAN LEG
APRIL 2032
APRIL 2032
MÉXICO CITY, MX - Saturday the 3rd
KINGSTON, JM - Sunday the 4th
BOGOTÁ, CO - Saturday the 10th
SANTIAGO, CN - Sunday the 11th
BUENOS AIRES, AM - Saturday the 17th
SÃO PAULO, BR - Sunday the 18th
RIO DE JANEIRO, BR - Saturday the 24th
BREE SPELLMAN: I KNEW THE ARCHIES BEFORE THEY WERE THE ARCHIES! JUGGY JONES, GINO MANTLE, BETTY COOPER, RONI LODGE AND ARCHIE ANDREWS WERE ALL MY FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL. LATER ON, I MET THE OTHER GROUP MEMBERS: TREVOR SMITH, BROTHER OF VALERIE, THE LEAD SINGER OF JOSIE'S PUSSYCATS; HEAVY METAL STAR KEVIN KELLER; AND REGGAE QUEEN TONI TOPAZ.
I WATCHED THEIR RISE TO NATIONAL STARDOM AS YOUNG ADULTS AND LATER WITNESSED THEM BREAKING THE SUPERSTAR BARRIER; AND THEN MY OWN MUSIC CAREER BLOSSOMED. FIRST I WAS AN ORCHESTRA CONDUCTOR FOR THE RIVERDALE SYMPHONY, AND THEN I BECAME AN ARRANGER/PRODUCER.
I WATCHED THEIR RISE TO NATIONAL STARDOM AS YOUNG ADULTS AND LATER WITNESSED THEM BREAKING THE SUPERSTAR BARRIER; AND THEN MY OWN MUSIC CAREER BLOSSOMED. FIRST I WAS AN ORCHESTRA CONDUCTOR FOR THE RIVERDALE SYMPHONY, AND THEN I BECAME AN ARRANGER/PRODUCER.
I WAS THERE CONDUCTING THE MUSIC FOR THE ARCHIES' "HITS OF THE SIXTIES" TOUR A DECADE AGO, AND I'LL BE THERE WRITING SONG ARRANGEMENTS A DECADE FROM NOW WHEN THEY BID THEIR FANS GOODBYE! MY WICCAN "TECHNOLOGY" MAKES IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO HEAR EXCERPTS FROM "ADIÓS AMIGOS", THE FILM THAT WILL DOCUMENT THEIR LAST CONCERT TOUR.
"KENTUCKY WOMAN"
Words + Music by
NEIL DIAMOND
RECORDED 3 APRIL 2032
LIVE IN MÉXICO CITY
NEIL DIAMOND
RECORDED 3 APRIL 2032
LIVE IN MÉXICO CITY
THE TIME: THE YEAR 2033
(with flashbacks to 2032)
THE PLACE: VARIOUS FILMED LOCATIONS
CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): TEJANO SUPERSTAR AND FORMER ARCHIES MEMBER REGGIE "GINO" MANTLE MAKES A GUEST APPEARANCE IN MÉXICO CITY. HIS PERFORMANCE OF "KENTUCKY WOMAN" IS MET WITH A THREE-MINUTE STANDING OVATION!
OFF STAGE, GINO READS THE RIOT ACT TO HIS EX-BANDMATES! HE TELLS THEM THEY DON'T LOOK PRESENTABLE. HE ALSO COMPLAINS THAT THE PRODUCTION VALUES ARE TOO ELABORATE, AND MANY EARLY CONCERT REVIEWERS AGREE: THE MUSIC IS BEING OVERSHADOWED!
THE PLACE: VARIOUS FILMED LOCATIONS
CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): TEJANO SUPERSTAR AND FORMER ARCHIES MEMBER REGGIE "GINO" MANTLE MAKES A GUEST APPEARANCE IN MÉXICO CITY. HIS PERFORMANCE OF "KENTUCKY WOMAN" IS MET WITH A THREE-MINUTE STANDING OVATION!
OFF STAGE, GINO READS THE RIOT ACT TO HIS EX-BANDMATES! HE TELLS THEM THEY DON'T LOOK PRESENTABLE. HE ALSO COMPLAINS THAT THE PRODUCTION VALUES ARE TOO ELABORATE, AND MANY EARLY CONCERT REVIEWERS AGREE: THE MUSIC IS BEING OVERSHADOWED!
GINO MANTLE, Mexicali MX: IT FELT LIKE A FUCKING WAR ZONE ON STAGE! I ACTUALLY GOT GOOSED IN THE ASS BY ONE OF THOSE DAMN DRONE MICROPHONES. ARCHIE AND RONI HAD THE LATEST IN FLASHY, NOISY PYROTECHNICS AND AN ARMY OF HIP-HOP DANCERS. THAT'S THE KIND OF STAGING SINGERS WHO CAN'T SING ALWAYS HAVE, SO NOW EVERY ACT THINKS THEY NEED THE SAME THING!
THE ARCHIES CAN DO WITHOUT ALL THAT SHIT, AND REALLY, THEY SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER! ARCHIE, RONI AND I REALLY LOCKED HORNS, BUT IN THE END I CONVINCED THEM TO PUT THE FOCUS BACK ON SONGS. AND DAMN RIGHT, I DID SHAME THEM FOR HOW TACKY THEY LOOKED ON STAGE! "DRESS THE FUCK UP!" I SAID . . .
VINTAGE PROMO FOR THE ARCHIES'
1990 SUMMER TOUR
RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Pelham NY: THE ARCHIES AREN'T ABBA. WE WERE NEVER THE KIND OF GROUP TO WEAR UNIFORMS ON STAGE. WE DRESSED LIKE FLEETWOOD MAC, IN FUNKY CLOTHES THAT EXPRESSED OUR INDIVIDUAL PERSONALITIES.
THAT WORKS FINE WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG, BUT AT OUR AGE IT CAN MAKE YOU LOOK KIND OF DEMENTED, LIKE A BAG LADY! REGINALD WAS RIGHT: OUR FAREWELL TOUR CALLED FOR A CLASSY LOOK.
THAT WORKS FINE WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG, BUT AT OUR AGE IT CAN MAKE YOU LOOK KIND OF DEMENTED, LIKE A BAG LADY! REGINALD WAS RIGHT: OUR FAREWELL TOUR CALLED FOR A CLASSY LOOK.
CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): VERONICA COMMISSIONS LATIN-INFLUENCED STAGE COSTUMES FOR THE GROUP AND THEIR BACKGROUND VOCALISTS. SHE ALSO JETTISONS THEIR TROUPE OF TWENTY-FIVE HIP-HOP DANCERS. ON GINO'S RECOMMENDATION, THE DANCE ACCOMPANIMENT IS PARED DOWN TO THREE WOMEN: MARÍA HINOJOSA, MARÍA STEPHANOS AND MARÍA RIVA!
SQUEAK McGILLICUDDY, Pelham NY: LOS TRES MARÍAS WERE VETERANS OF GINO'S CONCERT TOURS AND WELL-KNOWN TO SOUTH AMERICAN AUDIENCES. WE HIRED THEM TO DANCE ON STAGE AND AUGMENT THE COCHINADA BROTHERS' BACKING VOCALS. THEY STARTED CALLING THEMSELVES THE ZOOT SUIT MUCHACHAS, AND THEIR TIME TOURING WITH THE ARCHIES MADE THEM WORLD-FAMOUS!
CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): THE "NEW LOOK" FAREWELL TOUR DEBUTS IN BOGOTÁ, COLOMBIA. REVIEWS GREATLY IMPROVE AND ATTENDANCE IS HEALTHY BY THE TIME THE ARCHIES REACH RÍO DE JANEIRO. GINO MAKES ANOTHER GUEST APPEARANCE THERE AND APPROVES OF THE CHANGES HE SEES. HE DANCES AND SINGS ALONG BACKSTAGE WHEN THE MUCHACHAS PERFORM THEIR SPOTLIGHT NUMBER, "(CAN'T GET NO) SATISFACTION."
ON STAGE, GINO PERFORMS THE ARCHIES' BIG BRAZILIAN HIT "SPEEDY GONZÁLEZ" IN A DUET WITH TONI TOPAZ. IT STEALS THE SHOW! IN BUENOS AIRES, IT'S BETTY'S TURN TO SHINE SINGING LEAD ON THE ARCHIES' ARGENTINEAN HIT "DON'T EVER LEAVE ME"; BUT MÉXICO CITY FANS CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF KEVIN KELLER'S HEAVY METAL RENDITION OF "UNCHAINED MELODY".
ON STAGE, GINO PERFORMS THE ARCHIES' BIG BRAZILIAN HIT "SPEEDY GONZÁLEZ" IN A DUET WITH TONI TOPAZ. IT STEALS THE SHOW! IN BUENOS AIRES, IT'S BETTY'S TURN TO SHINE SINGING LEAD ON THE ARCHIES' ARGENTINEAN HIT "DON'T EVER LEAVE ME"; BUT MÉXICO CITY FANS CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF KEVIN KELLER'S HEAVY METAL RENDITION OF "UNCHAINED MELODY".
KEVIN KELLER, Taos NM: OUR NEW COSTUMES WERE FUCKING AWESOME, MAN.
"COME A LITTLE BIT CLOSER"
Words + Music by
TOMMY BOYCE, WES FARRELL
+ BOBBY HART
RECORDED ON 3 APRIL 2032
LIVE IN MÉXICO CITY
JUGGY'S VOCALS OVERDUBBED
ON 22 JULY 2033
Words + Music by
TOMMY BOYCE, WES FARRELL
+ BOBBY HART
RECORDED ON 3 APRIL 2032
LIVE IN MÉXICO CITY
JUGGY'S VOCALS OVERDUBBED
ON 22 JULY 2033
BETTY COOPER, Manhattan NY: EXCUSE ME? WE NEVER LOOKED SHABBY ONSTAGE! I DISAGREE WITH REGGIE ABOUT THAT, BUT IT NEVER HURTS TO DRESS UP A LITTLE. AS IT HAPPENED, WE DRESSED UP A LOT! NERO THE DOG, A FORMER ASSOCIATE OF OURS, HAS BECOME AN UP-AND-COMING LATINO FASHION DESIGNER. HE CREATED THOSE SOUTH-OF-THE-BORDER STAGE OUTFITS FOR US.
SQUEAK McGILLICUDDY, Pelham NY: NERO ALSO DESIGNED THE ZOOT SUIT AND LUCHA LIBRE COSTUMES THAT THE BACKGROUND SINGERS AND DANCERS WORE. HE LIKES TO UPEND EXPECTATIONS ABOUT MEN'S AND WOMEN'S FASHION! I WOULDN'T SAY NERO PROMOTES CROSS-DRESSING, BUT DUDE SPECIALIZES IN SUBVERTING TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES WHENEVER AND WHEREVER.
BETTY COOPER, Manhattan NY: HIS IDEA WAS FOR VERONICA AND I TO LOOK STRONG AND DIGNIFIED. WE SPORTED LONG WESTERN SKIRTS WITH COWBOY BOOTS. BY CONTRAST, THE GUYS WERE SUPPOSED TO LOOK CUTTING-EDGE AND SEXY! PAIRING BOLERO JACKETS WITH JEANS SHORTS WAS RISKY, BUT OMG . . . IT BECAME THIS HUGE FASHION STATEMENT! I THINK PEOPLE CAME FOR THE GUYS' COSTUMES ALMOST AS MUCH AS FOR THE MUSIC. BUT THERE WAS A LITTLE BIT OF A BACKLASH . . .
COSTUME FITTING FOR KEVIN KELLER,
NEW LEAD SINGER OF THE ARCHIES
NEW LEAD SINGER OF THE ARCHIES
DILTON DOILEY BRISEÑO, McAllen TX: CERTAIN POLITICAL COMMENTATORS GOT A BUG UP THEIR ASSES ABOUT THE COSTUMING AND THE STYLE OF MUSIC. THEY ACCUSED THE ARCHIES OF "APPROPRIATING" MEXICAN CULTURE, WHICH WAS SO MUCH BULLSHIT!
THIS WASN'T THE FIRST TIME THEY'D TOURED WITH MARIACHI MUSICIANS, SO WHY WAS IT SUDDENLY A PROBLEM? AND WHY THE FUCK SHOULDN'T THEY CELEBRATE MEXICAN STYLE? THEIR MUSIC HAS HAD A MEXICAN FLAVOR FOR YEARS, AND I SHOULD KNOW: MY SONG ARRANGEMENTS WERE PRIMARILY RESPONSIBLE FOR PUTTING IT THERE!
THIS WASN'T THE FIRST TIME THEY'D TOURED WITH MARIACHI MUSICIANS, SO WHY WAS IT SUDDENLY A PROBLEM? AND WHY THE FUCK SHOULDN'T THEY CELEBRATE MEXICAN STYLE? THEIR MUSIC HAS HAD A MEXICAN FLAVOR FOR YEARS, AND I SHOULD KNOW: MY SONG ARRANGEMENTS WERE PRIMARILY RESPONSIBLE FOR PUTTING IT THERE!
FRANKLY, I THINK THAT'S THE REASON THE ARCHIES ARE PHENOMENALLY POPULAR IN MÉXICO AND THE REST OF THE SPANISH-SPEAKING WORLD. WHEN THEY DECIDED TO DRESS UP FOR THEIR FANS, IT WAS LOGICAL FOR THEM TO WEAR SOME CUSTOM-TAILORED TRAJES DE CHARRO. I THOUGHT THEY LOOKED FANTASTIC! I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING THAT WOULD'VE SUITED THEM BETTER, BUT THEN I'M CHICANO. MAYBE I'M BIASED!
ARCHIE ANDREWS, Umbria IT: THAT BACKLASH AGAINST OUR COSTUMES WAS SHORT-LIVED, BECAUSE THE STYLE CAUGHT ON SO STRONGLY. OUR "VENICE BEACH MARIACHI" LOOK SPREAD AROUND THE WORLD! PEOPLE FROM HOLLYWOOD TO MARRAKESH STARTED SPORTING TRADITIONAL MEXICAN GEAR WITH A MODERN TWIST.
IT ENDED UP BEING A GREAT PROMOTIONAL GIMMICK FOR THE TOUR. THAT SAID, IT TOOK A WHILE FOR ME TO GET USED TO WEARING DAISY DUKE SHORTS AGAIN! I MEAN, I'M PUSHING 66 NOW!
IT ENDED UP BEING A GREAT PROMOTIONAL GIMMICK FOR THE TOUR. THAT SAID, IT TOOK A WHILE FOR ME TO GET USED TO WEARING DAISY DUKE SHORTS AGAIN! I MEAN, I'M PUSHING 66 NOW!
WITHDRAWN PROMO FOR THE FINALE OF
THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL WORLD TOUR.
ORIGINALLY SCHEDULED TO END IN AUGUST,
THE TOUR WILL BE EXTENDED TO
OCTOBER
ORIGINALLY SCHEDULED TO END IN AUGUST,
THE TOUR WILL BE EXTENDED TO
OCTOBER
TONI TOPAZ, Santa Barbara CA: WHEN GINO MANTLE AND TREVOR SMITH BOTH DECLINED TO TOUR, ARCHIE INVITED ME ALONG AS A SPECIAL GUEST. I PUT A TOUR OF MY OWN ON HOLD TO DO IT, BUT I HAVE NO REGRETS. TRAVELING AND PERFORMING WITH MY BEST FRIENDS, AS WELL AS MY HUSBAND JUGGY WAS A FABULOUS EXPERIENCE! I THOUGHT THE BOYS LOOKED REALLY CUTE IN THEIR SHORT SHORTS, AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVED DRESSING LIKE A LADY CHARRO.
YVONNE REMY, Bora Bora PF (outtake): NOW I KNOW WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE WANTS TO KNOW: DOES CHEVY LONG DONG REALLY HAVE ONE? WELL . . . HIS "DONG" ISN'T SHORT, BUT IT ISN'T MONSTER LONG, EITHER. JUST AVERAGE! IN MY OPINION, THE SIZE AND THE LENGTH OF A MAN'S EQUIPMENT DOESN'T MATTER: IT'S THE TECHNIQUE! AND CHEVY'S GOT AN AWESOME TECHNIQUE IN BED. MY LABIA TINGLES JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!
HE WAS DEFINITELY THE BEST LOVER I'VE EVER HAD, AND I COULD TELL HE WAS TOTALLY INTO ME. BETTY COOPER, FOX PRINTEMPS, THOSE DANCERS . . . THEY WERE JUST A DIVERSION FOR HIM. STRICTLY TEMP WORK, HONEY! CHEVY AND I ARE A PERFECT SEXUAL MATCH, AND I CAN FEEL IT GETTING BETTER AND BETTER BETWEEN US.
HE WAS DEFINITELY THE BEST LOVER I'VE EVER HAD, AND I COULD TELL HE WAS TOTALLY INTO ME. BETTY COOPER, FOX PRINTEMPS, THOSE DANCERS . . . THEY WERE JUST A DIVERSION FOR HIM. STRICTLY TEMP WORK, HONEY! CHEVY AND I ARE A PERFECT SEXUAL MATCH, AND I CAN FEEL IT GETTING BETTER AND BETTER BETWEEN US.
CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): BETTY PERFORMS THE ARCHIES' CHART-TOPPING SWEDISH HIT "LITE AV ALLT/A LITTLE BIT OF EVERYTHING" IN STOCKHOLM TO GREAT ACCLAIM. IT IS RE-RELEASED AND CHARTS AGAIN! ON THIS TOUR, THE FORMER LEADER OF THE BETTYS REALLY COMES INTO HER OWN AS A STAR ATTRACTION. NOT EVEN JUGGY AND KELLY, WHOSE VOICES ARE LEGENDARY, CAN MEET HER STANDARD!
THAT SAID, SPECIAL GUEST STAR TONI TOPAZ IS NOBODY'S SECOND BEST! THE FORMER CELEBRITY CHOREOGRAPHER, STAGE ACTRESS AND INTERNATIONAL REGGAE STAR HOLDS FORTH WITH A DISTINCTIVE SINGING STYLE THAT CRUSHES IT EVERY TIME.
THAT SAID, SPECIAL GUEST STAR TONI TOPAZ IS NOBODY'S SECOND BEST! THE FORMER CELEBRITY CHOREOGRAPHER, STAGE ACTRESS AND INTERNATIONAL REGGAE STAR HOLDS FORTH WITH A DISTINCTIVE SINGING STYLE THAT CRUSHES IT EVERY TIME.
KEVIN KELLER, Buenos Aires AR: TONI TOPAZ ROCKS! THAT LADY IS FUCKING AWESOME, MAN.
EL MARIACHI LOWRIDER:
SUPPORTING MUSICIANS ON THE ARCHIES'
FAREWELL WORLD TOUR
SUPPORTING MUSICIANS ON THE ARCHIES'
FAREWELL WORLD TOUR
CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): VOCALLY, ARCHIE AND RONI ARE NO LONGER IN THE SAME LEAGUE, AND THEY KNOW IT; BUT IF THEIR EGOS ARE BRUISED, THE DEAFENING CROWD RESPONSE THEY GET WHENEVER THEY APPEAR ON STAGE TOGETHER PROVIDES AN EXCELLENT BALM.
DEAN CHRISTOPHER, Newark NJ: MY NAME IS DEAN CHRISTOPHER; FRIENDS CALL ME "DINO". I WAS BORN IN DECEMBER OF 2006. MY BIRTH PARENTS GAVE ME UP FOR ADOPTION. MOST ADOPTIONS AT THAT TIME WERE "OPEN", MEANING THE BIRTH AND ADOPTIVE FAMILIES FORMED AN ONGOING RELATIONSHIP. MINE WAS CLOSED; MY BIRTH PARENTS CHOSE NOT TO HAVE FURTHER CONTACT WITH ME. I WAS ANONYMOUSLY ADOPTED BY A FABULOUS ITALIAN-AMERICAN FAMILY NAMED CALCAGNO.
I'VE GOT THE BEST MOM, POP, AND NANA! THERE'S ALSO MY SISTER NANCY AND A HUGE EXTENDED FAMILY OF UNCLES, AUNTS AND COUSINS. I LOVE THEM MORE THAN I CAN SAY . . . SO YOU'D THINK I WOULDN'T CARE ABOUT WHO MY BIRTH PARENTS ARE. BUT BY THE TIME I REACHED MY EARLY 20s, CURIOSITY WAS BURNING ME UP INSIDE!
MY GIRL STEPHANIE AND I HAVE A SON, AND WE'VE GOT SOME MEDICAL QUESTIONS THAT ONLY MY BIOLOGICAL FAMILY CAN ANSWER. THAT GAVE ME A REASON TO START SEARCHING FOR THEM.
I HAD TO UNSEAL MY BIRTH RECORDS, AND THAT WAS A MAJOR HASSLE; BUT I FILED A COURT CASE AND WON! I LEARNED THAT I WAS BORN IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA BUT THERE WASN'T MUCH MORE INFORMATION THAN THAT ON MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT LOOKED LIKE I'D HIT A STONE-COLD DEAD END!
MY GIRL STEPHANIE AND I HAVE A SON, AND WE'VE GOT SOME MEDICAL QUESTIONS THAT ONLY MY BIOLOGICAL FAMILY CAN ANSWER. THAT GAVE ME A REASON TO START SEARCHING FOR THEM.
I HAD TO UNSEAL MY BIRTH RECORDS, AND THAT WAS A MAJOR HASSLE; BUT I FILED A COURT CASE AND WON! I LEARNED THAT I WAS BORN IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA BUT THERE WASN'T MUCH MORE INFORMATION THAN THAT ON MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT LOOKED LIKE I'D HIT A STONE-COLD DEAD END!
CLICK BELOW:
