The Freaking Out of Geraldine Grundy (Part Four)

POP CULTURE CANTINA PRESENTS

A CARTOONS + CASTANETS PRODUCTION:

The Freaking Out of

GERALDINE GRUNDY

PART FOUR OF SIX:

THE DEVIL IN MISS GRUNDY!

JUNE PODCAST OF THE POP CULTURE CANTINA,

TEN YEARS FROM NOW . . .

DON SEÑORITO CARTOON EN LA CASA, AMIGOS. I’M DEEP INTO AN INCREDIBLE STORY!  IT WAS TOLD TO ME BY “LADY B”, A MYSTERIOUS RED-HEADED WOMAN WHO CAME TO THE CANTINA LAST WEEK. IT SEEMS THAT THE ARCHIES WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE AREN’T REALLY THE ARCHIES! “B” CLAIMED SHE KNEW THE REAL GROUP AND WAS EAGER TO SHARE HER MEMORIES ABOUT THEM.  LA PELIRROJA WAS ONE HELL OF A STORYTELLER: FUNNY, TRASHY, SARCASTIC, PROVOCATIVE, EXTREMELY VULGAR AND, WELL, TOTALLY FASCINATING!  

I MUST HAVE DOZED OFF AT SOME POINT WHILE SHE WAS TALKING. NOT THAT BABE WAS BORING; SHE WAS ANYTHING BUT!  YET I WENT TO SLEEP AND I HAD THIS BIZARRE VISION . . . I GUESS YOU’D CALL IT A WAKING DREAM!  I LAY FLAT ON MY BACK, TOTALMENTE DESNUDO IN PITCH BLACK DARKNESS.  THIS STRANGE MAN WAS LAYING BESIDE ME; HE WAS NAKED, TOO!   DUDE HAD LONG BLONDE HAIR, WITH A DRAGON ORNAMENT ON TOP OF HIS HEAD. AT LEAST, I THINK IT WAS AN ORNAMENT . . . I COULD SWEAR I SAW IT MOVE!  BUT FOR REAL, DUDE WAS STARING ME DOWN WITH THESE MAD CREEPY ICE-BLUE EYES. I KEPT ASKING HIM WHO HE WAS, BUT HE NEVER SAID A WORD.  ALL HE DID WAS STARE!

IT WAS SCARY, BUT SOMEHOW I DIDN’T FEEL AFRAID. DE LO CONTRARIO, I WAS IN A STATE OF COMPLETE ECSTASY!  INTENSE PLEASURE WAS COURSING THROUGH MY BODY. THERE WERE THICK CLOUDS OF INCENSE FLOATING ALL AROUND US, AND IN THE DISTANCE SWEAR I COULD HEAR BONGÓS BEATING. GRADUALLY, I RETURNED TO CONSCIOUSNESS. I’M NOT SURE HOW LONG I DREAMED, BUT “LADY B” DIDN’T SEEM TO HAVE NOTICED ME DOZING OFF.  HELLA WEIRD!  NOT ONLY THAT, BUT ALL THE WHILE I WAS DREAMING, I CONTINUED TO HEAR HER VOICE.  I CAN REMEMBER EVERYTHING SHE SAID . . .

WHILE GERALDINE GRUNDY WAS RECOVERING FROM HER 19th NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, “JINGLE JANGLE” BROKE FOR A DOUBLE-SIDED HIT.  THE FLIPSIDE, ”GET ON THE LINE” GOT A SHITLOAD OF AIRPLAY!  THAT SINGLE STAYED ON THE CHARTS INTO THE WINTER.  THEN IN NOVEMBER, THE ARCHIES WERE INVITED TO APPEAR ON THE “ED SULLIVAN” SHOW.  

HOTHEADED ARCHIE ANDREWS WENT BALLISTIC!  "WTF TOOK HIM SO LONG?  FUCK ED SULLIVAN!  HE CAN KISS MY BLACK ASS."  HIS BANDMATES THOUGHT HE'D GONE BATSHIT!  THEY WERE THRILLED, AND THEIR ATTITUDE WAS "BETTER LATE THAN NEVER".  BUT THEIR MANAGER, BIG NIPSY FREUND WASN'T ABOUT TO LET ARCHIE DECLINE THAT INVITE.  HE DEVISED A PLAN TO MILK THAT TV APPEARANCE FOR ALL IT WAS WORTH! 

 DURING THEIR PERFORMANCE SEGMENT, BETTY COOPER WIGGLED HER ASS SO HARD THAT HER PANTIES FELL DOWN.  NO SHIT!  SHE KICKED THEM TO THE SIDE AND JUST KEPT ON DANCING.  THE AUDIENCE HOWLED WITH LAUGHTER AND STARTED APPLAUDING; BUT ED SULLIVAN WAS FURIOUS!  HE REFUSED TO BELIEVE THE PANTY INCIDENT WAS ACCIDENTAL, AND BELIEVE ME, HONEY, IT WASN’T!  BETTY AND BIG NIPSY SET THE WHOLE THING UP! 

THE ARCHIES GOT BANNED FROM FURTHER APPEARANCES ON THE "SULLIVAN" SHOW.  WALDO WEATHERBEE FRETTED OVER NEGATIVE FALLOUT, BUT BIG NIPSY TOLD HIM NOT TO WORRY: “NO PUBLICITY IS BAD PUBLICITY, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT INVOLVES A SEXY GIRL!”  BETTY COOPER, SEXY?  WHATEVER!  SALES FOR “JINGLE JANGLE” AND "GET ON THE LINE" HAD TAPERED OFF, BUT THEY BEGAN SURGING AGAIN AFTER THAT TELECAST.

TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE NOTORIETY, BIG NIPSY BOOKED THE ARCHIES ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR.  WHILE THEY WERE ON THE ROAD, ROLLING STONE DID A FEATURE ARTICLE ON THE GROUP.  AS USUAL, THEY WERE FORCED TO EXPLAIN WHY THE CHARACTERS ON THEIR CARTOON SHOW WERE WHITE! THEY GAVE OVERLY-DEFENSIVE EXPLANATIONS THAT FAILED TO SATISFY THE INTERVIEWER, SO HE WROTE AN UNFLATTERING PROFILE. I MEAN, DUDE REALLY RIPPED THEM NEW ASSHOLES! 

THE TITLE OF HIS ARTICLE SAID IT ALL: "THE BROWN BAND THAT WANTS TO BE WHITE!"  JUGGY JONES WAS ROYALLY PISSED-OFF!  HE HATED HAVING PEOPLE THINK HE WAS ASHAMED OF HIS FILIPINO HERITAGE, AND HE SENT OUT A PRESS STATEMENT DENYING IT.  VERONICA'S FATHER CALLED THE PIECE "CHARACTER ASSASSINATION."  THE WHOLE GROUP FELT VICTIMIZED, AND THEIR RESENTMENT OF THAT CARTOON SERIES INCREASED. THEY CAME TO THINK OF IT AS A BALL AND CHAIN, DRAGGING THEM DOWN!

BUT THE MUSIC PLAYED ON.  BY EARLY 1970, COUNTRY ROCK HAD BECOME THE HOT NEW TREND. JEFF BARRY AND ANDY KIM RESPONDED BY WRITING “WHO’S YOUR BABY?”  TO ME, IT SOUNDED LIKE A FUCKING COUNTRY HOEDOWN SONG!  BETTY COOPER, THAT HALF-ASSED HILLBILLY DIVA, THOUGHT JEFF WAS GONNA LET HER SING IT; SHE'D PERFORMED AN EARLY, UNFINISHED VERSION OF "WHO'S YOUR BABY?" ON THE ARCHIES' BBC-TV SERIES.  TUFF TITTY, BECAUSE THIS NEW VERSION WAS A DUET FOR ARCHIE AND VERONICA!  THAT'S HOW JEFF CONCEIVED IT, AND THAT'S HOW HE CUT IT.  LITTLE MISS GRAND OLE OPRY MUST'VE EATEN HER HEART OUT!  

BIG MOOSE WAS SKEPTICAL ABOUT CRACKING THE RURAL MUSIC MARKET. “COUNTRY STATIONS WILL NEVER PLAY THIS!” HE PREDICTED. HE WAS RIGHT, BUT EVERYBODY INCLUDING HIM LOVED THAT SONG.  EVEN I STARTED LIKING IT, AND I FUCKING HATE COUNTRY MUSIC!  SO THERE WAS NO QUESTION ABOUT IT BECOMING THE NEXT SINGLE.

THE CONCERT VIDEO WAS SHOT IN LATE MARCH OF 1970. FILMATION STUDIOS SHOWCASED IT ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON TV SPECIAL CALLED “ARCHIE AND HIS NEW PALS.” THE PROMOTIONAL IMPACT WAS NEGLIGIBLE, THOUGH: PROGRAMMERS DIDN’T KNOW WTF TO DO WITH A COUNTRY RECORD BY A MIXED-RACE GROUP!  

WHAT’S MORE, SINCE GETTING TRASHED IN THAT ROLLING STONE ARTICLE, THE ARCHIES WERE CONSIDERED UNCOOL; THERE DEFINITELY WAS A BACKLASH AGAINST THEM.  “WHO’S YOUR BABY?” DID CLIMB THE CHARTS BUT IT PEAKED QUICKLY, STALLING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TOP FORTY.

THEIR POPULARITY WAS TANKING, BUT THIS WAS A GOOD TIME FOR THEIR MUSIC DIRECTOR, GERALDINE GRUNDY.  DEANIE'S EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS SEEMED TO HAVE LESSENED, AND EVERYBODY COULD SEE THAT SHE AND CHUCK CLAYTON WERE A HAPPY COUPLE. CHUCK GAVE DEANIE A YO-YO INSCRIBED WITH BOTH OF THEIR NAMES; IT WAS SO FUCKING SWEET, YOU COULD JUST GAG!

BOTH OF THEIR CAREERS WERE TAKING OFF, TOO: CHUCK HAD BECOME ONE OF THE MOST REQUESTED SIDEMEN IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS. WHEN WALDO SIGNED HIM TO AN ALBUM DEAL, ARCHIE WAS SO FUCKING JEALOUS HE COULDN’T TUNE HIS GUITAR PROPERLY!  AS FOR DEANIE, BY THEN SHE’D FULLY TRANSITIONED FROM JAZZ TO ROCK ‘N’ ROLL.  HER MUSIC ARRANGEMENTS WERE IN DEMAND, AND SHE’D STARTED WRITING FOR SEVERAL TOP POP ACTS.

SHE AND CHUCK CO-WROTE THE ARRANGEMENT FOR “WHO’S YOUR BABY?"  WHEN THEY WERE TOGETHER, THEY ACTED LIKE TWO OVERGROWN KIDS!  ONE DAY, VERONICA’S HUSBAND JASON VISITED THE ARCHIES’ REHEARSAL STUDIO AND SAW THEM PLAYING WITH THEIR YO-YO'S.  DEANIE GRABBED CHUCK'S LINE AND WOULDN'T LET GO OF IT UNTIL HE KISSED HER.  THE KISSING TURNED INTO GROPING, AND HONEY, SHE WAS SQUEEZING THAT STUD'S ASS LIKE IT WAS A CASABA MELON!  JASON BLOSSOM WAS A CHRISTIAN EVANGELIST, YOU KNOW, AND THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR REALLY OFFENDED HIM. 

 HE TOLD WALDO THAT DEANIE WAS A SLUT, AND THEN SAID SOMETHING ELSE THAT HE SHOULDN’T HAVE: “A WHITE WOMAN SHOULDN’T ACT THAT WAY.” DEANIE OVERHEARD HIM AND OH, WHAT, WOW!  BABE WAS USUALLY THE SOFT-SPOKEN TYPE, BUT THIS ONE TIME SHE GOT MAD SPICY!  SHE SHOOK HER FINGER IN JASON'S FACE AND YELLED: "IT'S MY PUSSY AND I'LL FUCK WHO I WANT TO!"  LIKE, EVERYBODY WAS IN SHOCK!  THEN CHUCK CLAYTON ACCUSED JASON OF BEING A "SEXUAL RACIST".  A BIG ARGUMENT BROKE OUT IN THE STUDIO; IT GOT SO INTENSE, VERONICA STARTED CRYING!  THAT INCIDENT OPENED A NEW RIFT IN HER MARRIAGE TO JASON.

REGGIE MANTLE’S SECRET AFFAIR WITH WALDO WAS GENERATING DRAMA, TOO. SHE CONFRONTED WALDO OVER TREATING "HIM" LIKE A WOMAN. CAN YOU IMAGINE?  BABE INSISTED SHE WAS A MALE.  SHE WOULDN’T EVEN LET WALDO FUCK HER ANYMORE!  INSTEAD, SHE SURPRISED HIM WITH A STRAP-ON PENIS AND DEMANDED THEY "CHANGE POSITIONS". WALDO GRABBED HIS CLOTHES AND LEFT REGGIE SOBBING IN BED!  I SAW AND HEARD ALL OF THIS ON BIG MOOSE'S SURVEILLANCE PHOTOS AND AUDIO TAPES.

THE MORNING AFTER THAT CONFRONTATION, THERE WAS AN ARCHIES RECORDING SESSION.  REGGIE WALKED INTO BOSSTOWN SOUND AND ANNOUNCED THAT "HE" WAS GAY!  "I JUST CAN'T LIVE A LIE ANYMORE" IS WHAT SHE TOLD EVERYBODY, BUT THAT BITCH WAS STILL LYING!  SHE KEPT ON PRESENTING HERSELF AS A MAN.  

WHAT?  OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT A TRANSSEXUAL IS!  IT'S SOMEBODY BORN IN THE WRONG BODY.  I CAN TOTALLY RELATE!  I WAS BORN WITH THE WRONG HAIR COLOR: DIRTY BLONDE.  THEN I DISCOVERED HENNA RINSE, AND NOW MY SHIT ROCKS!  BUT THAT DIDN'T MAKE ME A REAL REDHEAD ANY MORE THAN A STRAP-ON DICK MADE REGGIE MANTLE A REAL MAN! 

ANYWAY . . .THE ARCHIES GAVE "HIM" A GROUP HUG AND SAID ALL THE RIGHT THINGS: "BEING HOMOSEXUAL IS NO BIG DEAL", "LOVE IS JUST LOVE", "WE'RE STILL YOUR FRIENDS", YADDA YADDA YADDA!  EVERYBODY WAS SUPPORTIVE EXCEPT WALDO.  HONEY, THE COLD SHOULDER HE GAVE REGGIE WOULD'VE MADE A VOLCANO FREEZE OVER!  HER LITTLE COMING-OUT PARTY DROVE A PERMANENT WEDGE BETWEEN THEM.  THEIR SECRET AFFAIR WAS OVER; BUT THERE'D BE HEAVY CONSEQUENCES TO DEAL WITH.

IN THE SUMMER OF 1970, THE ARCHIES MADE SOME TV APPEARANCES IN CONTINENTAL EUROPE. THEY WERE IN THE SPANISH TOWN OF PAMPLONA WHEN THE ANNUAL BULL-RUNNING FESTIVAL HAPPENED. ARCHIE, REGGIE AND JUGGY DECIDED TO TAKE PART IN THE RUN. BECAUSE OF THE SUBSEQUENT BULLFIGHT AND THE DANGER TO PARTICIPANTS, POLITICALLY-CORRECT BETTY AND VERONICA DISAPPROVED!  THEY BEGGED THE BOYS (AND REGGIE) NOT TO DO IT, BUT NOTHING COULD CHANGE THEIR MINDS. BIG NIPSY WAS GAME: HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD PUBLICITY.

THE GIRLS WATCHED FROM THE SIDELINES HOLDING JUGGY’S DOGS. WHEN A ROCKET BURST TO START THE EVENT, THOSE MANGY MUTTS SQUIRMED LOOSE AND RUSHED AFTER THE RUNNERS!  EVERYONE THOUGHT THEY’D BE CRUSHED TO DEATH, BUT DACHSHUNDS ARE QUICK-FOOTED LITTLE FUCKERS.  NOT CONTENT TO RUN ALONGSIDE, HOT DOG AND CHILI DOG JUMPED ONTO THE BACKS OF BULLS AND BOUNCED FROM ONE TO ANOTHER ALL THE WAY TO THE PLAZA DE TOROS! 

OH, HONEY, THEY CAUSED A SENSATION: HUNDREDS OF SPECTATORS WERE CHEERING, STOMPING AND CLAPPING! AND TV CAMERAS WERE ON HAND TO CAPTURE THE SCENE.  JUGGY WAS DESPERATE TO FIND THEM AFTER THE RACE, BUT THEY FOUND HIM IN THE CROWD. ASIDE FROM A FEW SCRATCHES AND BRUISES, NEITHER DOG WAS SERIOUSLY HURT.  

AT THE VERY MOMENT THEY LEAPT INTO HIS ARMS, JUGGY WAS BESIEGED BY SPANISH MEDIA.  THE “PAMPLONA PUPS” MADE INTERNATIONAL HEADLINES!  BY THE TIME THEY MADE CAMEO APPEARANCES IN THE NEXT LODGE AIR TV COMMERCIAL, THOSE FLEABAGS HAD BECOME MAJOR CELEBRITIES.  TOO BAD THE PUBLICITY THEY GOT DIDN'T TRANSLATE INTO RECORD SALES FOR THE ARCHIES!

IN AUGUST OF 1970, THE ARCHIES PLAYED A WEEK-LONG GIG AT THE WHISKY A GO-GO IN HOLLYWOOD.  BROTHER BLOSSOM WAS IN THE CITY ATTENDING A BIBLE CONFERENCE. DESPITE VERONICA’S PLEADING, HE REFUSED TO ATTEND ANY OF THE SHOWS!  DUDE MISSED OUT, BECAUSE THAT GIG BROUGHT THEM SOME OF THE BEST REVIEWS THEY EVER HAD.  THERE WASN'T MUCH OF A CROWD, THOUGH. 

JASON AND RONI'S MARRIAGE WAS CRUMBLING BECAUSE SHE STILL DIDN’T WANT TO RETIRE.  IN ADDITION TO HER CAREER, THEY CLASHED OVER WHAT I’D CALL JASON’S BIBLE-BASED VIEWS ABOUT RACE.  VERONICA WAS MESTIZO MEXICAN BUT LIGHT-SKINNED ENOUGH TO PASS FOR WHITE.  THAT'S HOW JASON PREFERRED TO THINK OF HER.  ONE DAY, SHE ASKED HIM IF HE’D STILL HAVE MARRIED HER IF SHE’D BEEN BROWN-SKINNED LIKE HER DADDY.  DUDE WAS HONEST: HE TOLD HER “NO”!  RONI GOT EXTREMELY PISSED AT HIM; BUT WASN'T THAT HER FAULT FOR ASKING?  THE STUPID BITCH!

WHEN THEIR GIG AT THE WHISKY ENDED, IT WAS TIME FOR THE ARCHIES TO CUT A NEW SINGLE.  ONE NIGHT, JEFF BARRY AND HIS NEW WRITING PARTNER BOBBY BLOOM FELL UP IN CLUB BOOGALOO.  THEY WENT THERE TO CATCH AN ARCHIES SHOW, BUT THEY KEPT GOING BACK; LATIN SOUL REALLY TURNED THEM ON!  INSPIRED BY WHAT THEY HEARD AT THE CLUB, JEFF AND BOBBY WROTE “SUNSHINE”. HONEY, THAT WAS ONE HOT RHYTHM TRACK!  MEMBERS OF BOO TORRES' BAND COQUITO SAT IN ON THE RECORDING SESSION; JEFF AND WALDO OVERDUBBED AT LEAST A DOZEN LATIN PERCUSSION PARTS.  

BIG MOOSE AND I BOTH LOVED THAT RECORD; I DON'T HAVE A FAVORITE ARCHIES SINGLE BUT IF I DID, "SUNSHINE" WOULD BE IT!  THE VIDEO WAS SHOT THE SAME WEEK THE SINGLE WAS RECORDED.  DIRECTOR SAMM SCHWARTZ CONCEIVED A KIND OF WEST SIDE STORY HOMAGE; IT WAS ONE OF THE FIRST REAL MUSIC VIDEOS, AND IT DEBUTED ON A FUCKING CARTOON SERIES!  THAT CLIP AIRED FREQUENTLY, BUT IT DIDN'T DO SHIT FOR THE SINGLE.  "SUNSHINE" COULDN'T EVEN BREAK TOP FORTY!  I WAS SHOCKED.  MOOSIE WAS ANGRY AND DISGUSTED; HE REALLY PUSHED THAT SONG HARD!

 THE BACKLASH AGAINST THE ARCHIES CERTAINLY PLAYED A PART, BUT MOOSIE BLAMED THE FAILURE OF “SUNSHINE” ON JEFF BARRY'S INCREASED WORKLOAD.  DUDE WAS HEAVILY INVOLVED IN OUTSIDE TV AND MOVIE PROJECTS BY THEN, AND HE HAD LESS TIME TO SPEND WRITING SONGS FOR THE GROUP.   WALDO ASSIGNED TWO HOT YOUNG WRITERS, RITCHIE ADAMS AND MARK BARKAN, TO WHIP UP SOME NEW MATERIAL.  THEY WROTE AND JEFF PRODUCED A NEW EXTENDED PLAY DISC CALLED "“CATCHIN’ UP ON FUN”.

Playlist:
ARCHIES EP "CATCHIN' UP ON FUN"

ARCHIE ANDREWS GOT FINICKY ABOUT THE SONGS.  DUDE HAD A LOT OF FUCKING NERVE: IT HAD BEEN HIS IDEA FOR THE ARCHIES TO PLAY BUBBLEGUM MUSIC.  NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE DIDN’T WANT THEM TO SOUND LIKE A BUBBLEGUM BAND!  THE HALF-DOZEN TUNES SLATED FOR THE EP GOT WHITTLED DOWN TO FOUR; THOSE WERE THE ONES ARCHIE, WALDO AND BIG NIPSY COULD AGREE ON.  

THEY LEFT OFF A GREAT NUMBER CALLED "MELODY HILL" AND ANOTHER ONE I LIKED A LOT.  ALL THE SAME, “HIDE AND SEEK”, “CIRCLE OF BLUE”, “HOT DOG” AND “CATCHIN’ UP ON FUN” WERE SOME OF THE ARCHIES’ BEST RECORDINGS.  CASHBOX  TAGGED THE EP AS A "BEST BET", BUT WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT SOLD EVEN WORSE THAN “SUNSHINE” DID?  MOOSIE WAS JUST BESIDE HIMSELF WITH RAGE!

IT WAS A GOOD TIME FOR ARCHIE TO KEEP HIS BIG-ASS MOUTH SHUT, BUT OF COURSE, HE DIDN'T!  DUDE STARTED PUTTING BIG MOOSE DOWN EVERY CHANCE HE GOT.  THAT UNGRATEFUL BASTARD ACCUSED HIM OF BEING TOO CHEAP TO LET THE ARCHIES CUT AN ALBUM!  BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT MOOSIE HAD ALREADY GIVEN HIS APPROVAL FOR ALBUM SESSIONS.  

ARCHIE'S INSULTS ALMOST GOT THOSE SESSIONS CANCELLED, BUT WALDO WEATHERBEE INTERVENED.  WALDO COULD SEE THE ARCHIES HAD PEAKED AS RECORDING ARTISTS, BUT HE WAS DETERMINED TO GET AN LP ON THE MARKET.  DUDE WASN'T CONFIDENT ABOUT THE BACKLOG OF TRACKS HE HAD ON HAND, THOUGH.

DESPITE THAT STANK ROLLING STONE PROFILE, THE GROUP STILL HAD A STRONG FAN BASE IN BOSTON.  BIG NIPSY WAS DESPERATE TO BUILD ON IT AND REPAIR THEIR DAMAGED REPUTATION.  WHEN, OUT OF THE BLUE, THE ARCHIES WERE INVITED TO JOIN THE CAST OF A NEW TV SERIES, IT LOOKED LIKE JUST THE BREAK THEY NEEDED.

IN THE FALL OF 1970, ABC TELEVISION ATTEMPTED TO REVIVE “SHINDIG”. BACK IN THE MID-SIXTIES, IT HAD BEEN A MAD HOT ROCK ‘N’ ROLL VARIETY SERIES. JEFF BARRY WAS TAGGED AS MUSIC DIRECTOR FOR THE REBOOT, AND HE PUSHED FOR THE ARCHIES TO BECOME REGULARS.  THEIR CONTRACT WITH FILMATION STUDIOS MADE THAT A TRICKY PROPOSITION, BUT BIG NIPSY THOUGHT HE COULD WORK SOMETHING OUT.  

THEY APPEARED IN THE SERIES PILOT.  IT WAS FILMED IN MEXICO CITY AT THE FAMOUS CHURUBUSCO FILM STUDIOS.  GUESTS INCLUDED JOHNNY NASH, THE DRIFTERS AND, RETURNING FROM THE ORIGINAL “SHINDIG” SERIES, DARLENE LOVE AND THE BLOSSOMS.  MARIACHI AMÉRICA PROVIDED THE MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT.  TRINI LÓPEZ WAS HOST, AND BRITISH ACTRESS/SINGER LULU WAS SPECIAL GUEST STAR.

THE PILOT PAID TRIBUTE TO A SONGWRITER NAMED BERT BERNS.  HE WAS A CLOSE FRIEND OF JEFF'S WHO DIED YOUNG.  IN HIS SHORT LIFE, BERT WROTE SOME ICONIC TUNES:  JANIS JOPLIN'S "PIECE OF MY HEART" AND BIG HITS BY THE McCOYS, THE ISLEY BROTHERS, THE STRANGELOVES . . . LOTS OF OTHERS!  LULU AND THE DRIFTERS WERE THERE TO PERFORM SONGS THAT HE WROTE ESPECIALLY FOR THEM.

I WAS ONE OF A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE WHO SAW THAT PILOT. THE ARCHIES WERE FUCKING FASHION PLATES SPORTING BOSS MONDRIAN JACKETS DESIGNED BY REGGIE! THAT WAS A GOOD THING, BECAUSE IT DREW ATTENTION AWAY FROM BETTY’S LAME-ASS GROUP CHOREOGRAPHY!  STILL, THEY HELD THEIR OWN WITH THE OTHER STARS.  THEIR EXTENDED PERFORMANCE OF “HANG ON, SLOOPY” DROVE THE STUDIO AUDIENCE WILD, AND THEIR VERSION OF “FRIENDS AND LOVERS FOREVER” ALSO WENT DOWN BIG.

Playlist:
1970 "SHINDIG" PILOT WITH THE ARCHIES

HOWEVER, JUST LIKE IN THE MID-60S, ABC EXECUTIVES WERE HOSTILE TO ROCK ‘N’ ROLL!  THEY REFUSED TO GREEN-LIGHT THE REBOOT, AND RUMOR HAS IT THAT THE AMOUNT OF SCREEN TIME GIVEN TO PERFORMERS OF COLOR, ESPECIALLY AN INTER-RACIAL ROCK BAND, WAS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY.  I THINK LULU WAS THE ONLY WHITE FACE ON CAMERA!  

IN TELEVISION CIRCLES, THAT PILOT CAME TO BE KNOWN AS THE “AFRO-MEXICAN REVOLUTION” BECAUSE OF ALL THE BLACK AND BROWN TALENT ON DISPLAY.  IT NEVER AIRED, AND I THINK IT’S LOST NOW.  I REMEMBER BIG MOOSE MAKING A BIG JOKE OUT OF ITS FAILURE TO GET PICKED UP: “THAT REVOLUTION WILL DEFINITELY NOT BE TELEVISED!”

NEAR THE END OF THE YEAR, THE ARCHIES GIGGED AT THE BOSTON TEA PARTY.  THAT WAS WHERE THEY’D FIRST MET.  THAT CLUB USED TO HAVE GOOFY PROMOTIONS, AND THERE WAS A BEACH PARTY THEME THAT WEEK.  PEOPLE WERE ENCOURAGED TO SHOW UP IN SWIMWEAR.  BACK IN '68, REGGIE HAD COME UP WITH A COSTUME DESIGN THAT WAS SO SKIMPY, THE GROUP RESISTED WEARING IT; BUT THOSE DARINGLY BARE OUTFITS WERE PERFECT FOR THIS OCCASION.  

SO DIG IT: BETTY AND VERONICA WERE ON STAGE IN BIKINI BOTTOMS, AND THE GUYS WERE ROCKING SPEEDOS.  ARCHIE TURNED AROUND, BENT OVER TO ADJUST HIS AMP AND OH, WHAT, WOW!  ASS-CRACK CITY!  AND WHO SHOULD WALK INTO THE CLUB AT THAT VERY MOMENT, DRESSED IN HIS USUAL SUNDAY-GO-TO-MEETING DRAG?  THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY: BROTHER BLOSSOM!  IT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS: WHEN RONI'S HUSBAND FINALLY DECIDED TO SEE AN ARCHIES SHOW, HE CHOSE ONE THAT WAS GUARANTEED TO GIVE HIM A SHIT FIT!

IT GOT WORSE. THE GIGOLETTES HAD LOANED KEVIN KELLER TO THE ARCHIES AS A SECOND KEYBOARD PLAYER.  WHEN JASON WENT BACKSTAGE TO RETRIEVE RONI, HE SAW KELLY SHAMELESSLY DRY-HUMPING HIS BOYFRIEND AT THE TIME!  DUDE FLEW INTO A RIGHTEOUS RAGE: HE DECLARED THE BOSTON TEA PARTY "A NEST OF SODOMY" AND DEMANDED THAT VERONICA LEAVE WITH HIM!

THE MOTHER OF ALL FIGHTS BROKE OUT AFTER THEY GOT HOME.  FOR THE FIRST TIME, THE TWO OF THEM CAME TO BLOWS, BUT I HEARD SHE WAS THE ONE WHO GOT VIOLENT.  BABE HAD A MEXICAN SPITFIRE TEMPERAMENT, SHE REALLY DID!

VERONICA DID CHANGE HER MIND ABOUT RETIRING, THOUGH.  BECAUSE OF CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATIONS, SHE COULDN'T STOP RECORDING WITH THE ARCHIES BUT SHE DID STOP APPEARING WITH THEM.  SO NOW, ARCHIE HAD NO DUET VOCALIST TO SING WITH ON STAGE!  JUST LIKE THE SHIT-EATING OPPORTUNIST THAT SHE WAS, BETTY COOPER CONVINCED HIM THAT SHE COULD STAND IN.  THE SKANK TOOK OVER VERONICA’S SINGING PARTS AND YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW AWFUL THE SONGS SOUNDED!  AT LEAST KELLY KELLER WAS COMPETENT SUBBING FOR RONI ON KEYBOARDS.

ONE OF VERONICA’S LAST TV APPEARANCES WITH THE ARCHIES WAS ON DICK CLARK’S “AMERICAN BANDSTAND”. ONCE AGAIN, THE GROUP SCORED A MEDIA COUP: JUGGY DECIDED TO PROPOSE TO BETTY ON THE SHOW. THAT STUDIO AUDIENCE JUST ERUPTED!  CRYING CROCODILE TEARS, THE GUINEA SLUT SAID “YES”. IT WAS NAUSEATING!  BUT UNLIKE THE INCIDENT ON “ED SULLIVAN”, THIS PROPOSAL WAS TOTALLY UNPLANNED.

AS AN ENGAGEMENT PRESENT, JEFF BARRY AND ANDY KIM WROTE WROTE A WEDDING-THEMED ARCHIES SINGLE CALLED “TOGETHER WE TWO.” JEFF PRODUCED IT AS ANOTHER DUET FOR ARCHIE AND VERONICA.  JUGGY COULD HAVE SUNG IT, HE DIDN'T HAVE A BAD VOICE; BUT JEFF ALWAYS KNEW BETTER THAN TO FEATURE BETTY ON VOCALS.  JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT BLACK BITCH'S FOGHORN VOICE MAKES ME WINCE!  OH, GROW THE FUCK UP, WHY DON'T YOU?  SHE WAS A BITCH AND SHE WAS BLACK . . . I CALL THEM AS I SEE THEM!

THE CONCERT VIDEO FOR “TOGETHER WE TWO” WAS SHOT IN LATE MAY OF 1971, WITH DAN DE CARLO DIRECTING. SINCE IT WAS TECHNICALLY A RECORDING, VERONICA TOOK PART.  THAT WAS THE LAST ARCHIES VIDEO!  "TOGETHER WE TWO" WAS SLATED TO AIR ON FILMATION’S NEW FALL SHOW “ARCHIE’S FUNHOUSE” BUT IT COULDN'T PULL ENOUGH RADIO AIRPLAY.   THE SINGLE NEVER CHARTED, AND THEY DECIDED NOT TO PUT IT ON THE TV SOUNDTRACK.  MOOSIE BET WRONG ON THAT ONE: IT JUST WASN'T THAT GREAT A SONG!

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, JEFF BARRY STOPPED PRODUCING THE ARCHIES.  NO, WALDO DIDN'T FIRE HIM; I THINK HE JUST GOT TOO BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS.  AS A REPLACEMENT, JEFF RECOMMENDED HIS PROTÉGÉ, A DUDE NAMED NEIL BRIAN GOLDBERG. BIG MOOSE WAS WARY OF A NOVICE PRODUCER, BUT WALDO DUG THE SONGS NEIL PLAYED FOR HIM AND DECIDED TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE.  IT REALLY DIDN'T MATTER WHO WAS PRODUCING, BECAUSE MOOSIE ALWAYS HAD THE FINAL SAY ON RELEASES!  BESIDES, DEANIE GRUNDY WAS STILL WRITING THE ARRANGEMENTS.

THE ARCHIES’ FIRST SESSIONS WITH THEIR NEW PRODUCER GOT OFF TO A SHAKY START: WALDO WAS SHOCKED AND EMBARRASSED WHEN REGGIE, THE "GAY" TRANSSEXUAL, STARTED FLIRTING SHAMELESSLY WITH HIM IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY!  NOBODY KNEW WHAT TO THINK!

DEANIE WAS BUGGIN' OUT, TOO; SHE’D BEGUN TO HAVE BAD NIGHTMARES. SHE WROTE TO LAURA PINTO ABOUT ONE OF THEM: A BLOND MAN’S FACE, OBSCURED BY MIST, APPEARED BEFORE HER EYES, AND A VOICE SHE KNEW BUT COULDN’T IDENTIFY WARNED OF IMPENDING DEATH! THEN SHE FOUND HERSELF BEING RAPED BY MULTIPLE MEN!  IN SUBSEQUENT DREAMS, SHE HERSELF WAS THE RAPIST.

NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, SHE WOKE UP TREMBLING AND SOBBING!  DEANIE’S NERVES STARTED TO FRAY AND SHE COULDN’T CONCENTRATE ON HER WORK . . . ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN CHUCK CLAYTON WAS THERE.  SHE DEVELOPED THIS IRRATIONAL FEAR THAT SHE MIGHT HURT HIM, SO SHE BROKE OFF THEIR RELATIONSHIP.  WITH NO EXPLANATION, SHE GAVE BACK THE INSCRIBED YO-YO HE'D MADE FOR HER.  DUDE WAS SO FUCKING HEARTBROKEN AND CONFUSED!  CHUCK QUIT MIDGE MERCURY'S STUDIO BAND AND NEVER WORKED AN ARCHIES SESSION AGAIN.

THEN IN JUNE OF ‘71, WBCN DEEJAY CHARLES LAQUIDARA CALLED IN A FAVOR FROM THE GROUP.  CHARLIE WAS THEIR BIGGEST LOCAL BOOSTER, SO WHEN HE ASKED THEM TO PERFORM “SUNSHINE” AT ONE OF HIS BENEFIT SHOWS, THEY CAME RUNNING!  CO-HOSTED BY WUNR, BOSTON'S ETHNIC MUSIC STATION, IT WAS A CHARITY EVENT CALLED "LATIN MEETS ROCK".  

LOTS OF HISPANICS WERE EXPECTED TO ATTEND, SO BIG NIPSY BEGGED VERONICA TO APPEAR.  SHE DID, BREAKING HER PROMISE TO JASON!  ANOTHER BIG FIGHT RESULTED: THIS TIME, RONI GRABBED A LAMP AND SMASHED IT UPSIDE HIS HEAD!  MY BROTHER FINALLY REALIZED WHAT A PSYCHO-BITCH SHE WAS, AND THEY SEPARATED.

YES, HONEY . . . THE SECRET'S OUT! THAT’S THE OTHER REASON I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THE ARCHIES. I’M JASON BLOSSOM’S SISTER, CHERYL! AND YES, WHEN I WAS STRUNG OUT ON JUNK, I DID TRY TO KILL BETTY COOPER. WHY SHOULD I DENY IT?  I WAS DELUSIONAL FOR A WHILE, BUT MOOSIE GOT ME THE BEST CARE MONEY COULD BUY. 

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY BETTY DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME WHEN I ATTENDED ARCHIES CONCERTS, IT'S SIMPLE: I ALWAYS WENT IN DISGUISE!  AND IT WASN'T JUST ON HER ACCOUNT: SOMETIMES I DIDN'T WANT BIG MOOSE KNOWING WHAT I DID, EITHER.  I NEVER LET HIM CONTROL ME; BUT THANKS TO MOOSIE, I’VE BEEN CLEAN FOR MANY YEARS.  THERE’S NO REASON FOR CONCERN.  BELIEVE ME, HONEY, I’M NOT DANGEROUS AT ALL. . . I'M NOT!  JUST SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN AND LET ME FINISH TELLING YOU THIS STORY.

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“THE FREAKING OUT OF GERALDINE GRUNDY” 

CONTINUES WITH PART FIVE:
REGGIE MANTLE COMES ALL THE WAY OUT IN . . .

MISS GRUNDY REGRETS