The Freaking Out of Geraldine Grundy (Part Five)

POP CULTURE CANTINA PRESENTS

A CARTOONS + CASTANETS PRODUCTION:

The Freaking Out of

GERALDINE GRUNDY

PART FIVE OF SIX:

MISS GRUNDY REGRETS

MY NAME IS TOBIAS MAXWELL.  I AM DEAD!  I HAVE DIED OVER AND OVER AGAIN, SO MANY TIMES THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER. 

BUT I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT AWFUL FIRST DEATH: THE PAIN OF BEING RIPPED AWAY FROM MY LOVED ONES!  MY HUSBAND, MY SON, MY SON'S MOTHER AND ALL THE FRIENDS WHO USED TO PLAY MUSIC WITH ME. I WAS A PROFESSIONAL MUSICIAN, A HAPPILY-MARRIED MAN AND A DOTING FATHER. I HAD THE PERFECT LIFE!  BUT THEN I DIED AND WENT TO HELL.

 

I DISCOVERED THAT HELL IS A CHAMBER OF HORRORS: A STIFLING HOT PRISON GUARDED BY VILE MONSTERS!   YOU CAN ONLY LEAVE HELL FOR SHORT PERIODS OF TIME, AND THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT IS TO DIE AGAIN.  INEXPLICABLY, DEATH BRINGS TEMPORARY LIFE!  BUT SHE MAKES LIFE-IN-DEATH SHEER TORTURE! SHE MAKES ME DO HORRIBLE THINGS TO PEOPLE.  IS IT WORSE TO BE DEAD AND SUFFER, OR TO BE ALIVE AND MAKE OTHERS SUFFER? I DON'T KNOW . . . I DON'T KNOW!  

SHE CAUSED MY FIRST DEATH, AND ALL THE SUBSEQUENT ONES. SHE KILLS AND REVIVES ME AT WILL!  SOON, HER GHASTLY LIVING DEATH WILL CLAIM MORE VICTIMS.  I WAIT FOR OTHERS TO JOIN ME IN THIS GRUESOME CARNIVAL OF SOULS!  IF ONLY I COULD WARN THEM.  IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY TO STOP HER, BUT THERE ISN'T!  THEY'RE ALL DOOMED TO BECOME PRISONERS IN HELL LIKE ME!

JUNE PODCAST OF THE POP CULTURE CANTINA,
TEN YEARS FROM NOW . . .

IT WAS ALMOST MEDIANOCHE, BUT I WAS BARELY AWARE OF TIME PASSING. I WAS MESMERIZED BY THE AMAZING STORY THAT CHERYL BLOSSOM WAS TELLING ME!  IT WAS ABOUT THE ARCHIES, BUT A VERY DIFFERENT ARCHIES FROM THE GROUP THE WORLD KNEW.  SHE TOLD ME INTIMATE DETAILS OF A FAMOUS BAND THAT HAD EXISTED 50 YEARS AGO; YET SOMEHOW, NOBODY REMEMBERED THEM!

I WAS MESMERIZED, BUT I WAS ALSO AFRAID OF CHERYL. SHE ADMITTED TO THREATENING BETTY COOPER WITH A GUN!  SHE WAS FILLED WITH HATE AND HAD A MOUTH LIKE A RAZOR BLADE: MY EARS WERE RINGING WITH RACIAL, SEXUAL AND GENDER SLURS!  I WANTED TO REBUKE CHERYL BLOSSOM, TO SHAME HER AND CALL OUT HER BIGOTRY.  I WANTED TO SCREAM ¡YA BASTA!  NO MORE!  BUT . . . SOMETHING STOPPED ME.  I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, BUT I WAS LITERALLY HER CAPTIVE AUDIENCE!  WHEN CHERYL FLAUNTED HER IGNORANCE AND CRUELTY, I COULD ONLY MANAGE THE MOST PATHETIC RESPONSES.

OUT OF THE BLUE, SHE SURPRISED ME WITH A GIFT: A COMPLETE SET OF SINGLES ON THE RIVERDALE LABEL!  IT WAS ALL VINTAGE VINYL, AND EVERY ONE WAS CREDITED TO THE ARCHIES.  I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK OR SAY; BUT SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY SHE SMILED MADE ME FEEL UNSAFE!  I DESPERATELY WANTED TO GET UP AND RUN, BUT MY LEGS SEEMED FROZEN IN PLACE!  THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO BUT SIT THERE AND KEEP LISTENING UNTIL HER WILD STORY REACHED ITS CONCLUSION.  I FELT THAT AS LONG AS CHERYL KEPT TALKING, I WASN'T IN DANGER . . . BUT HOW MUCH LONGER WOULD THAT BE?

WOULD YOU BELIEVE THE ARCHIES GOT ARRESTED?  THEY WERE CHARGED WITH AUTO THEFT, BUT BETTY CALLED IT "DRIVING WHILE BLACK AND LATINO!"  BY 1971, MOST PEOPLE KNEW THAT THE ARCHIES WEREN'T WHITE TEENAGERS, BUT THE NEWS MUST NOT HAVE REACHED FERGUSON, MISSOURI.  THEY WERE DRIVING THROUGH THAT TOWN, HEADED FOR A GIG.  FERGUSON COPS PULLED THEM OVER, ACCUSED THEM OF DRIVING A STOLEN VAN AND HAULED THEIR ASSES OFF TO JAIL!  THOSE BACKWOODS POLICEMEN REFUSED TO BELIEVE THEY WERE WHO THEY SAID THEY WERE.

THEY GOT ROUGHED UP, TOO, ALTHOUGH ARCHIE WAS TO BLAME FOR IT.  THAT SMART-ASS NIGGER GOT SPICY WITH THE POLICE!  DUDE WOULDN'T SHUT UP SO HE, JUGGY AND REGGIE WERE THROWN TO THE GROUND AND HANDCUFFED.  BETTY SCREAMED "RACISM" AND "POLICE BRUTALITY", SO THEY RESTRAINED HER, TOO.  I WISH I HAD BEEN THERE, HONEY, TO SEE THEM PUSH THAT BLACK BITCH'S FACE IN THE DIRT!

THINGS WOULD'VE TURNED OUT A LOT WORSE IF VERONICA HADN'T TOLD THEM WHO HER FATHER WAS.  OF COURSE, RAM LODGE BAILED THEM ALL OUT.  THE CHARGES WERE DROPPED, BUT THE FERGUSON POLICE NEVER ADMITTED THEIR MISTAKE AND NEVER APOLOGIZED TO THE ARCHIES!  THAT INCIDENT PUT THEM BACK IN THE PUBLIC EYE, AND THERE WERE MIXED REACTIONS. SOME PEOPLE WERE SYMPATHETIC; OTHERS, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO'D ACCUSED THEM OF WANTING TO BE WHITE, THOUGHT THEY GOT JUST WHAT THEY DESERVED!
  

IT WAS PROBABLY NO COINCIDENCE THAT AROUND THE SAME TIME, A BUNCH OF BOGUS ARCHIES GROUPS POPPED UP.  THEY HAD ALL-WHITE MEMBERS AND WERE GIGGING IN THE SOUTH AND THE MIDWEST.  A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE FOOLED!  THOSE FAKERS MAY BE THE EXPLANATION FOR WHAT HAPPENED IN FERGUSON; THEY MAY ALSO BE WHY THE REAL ARCHIES AREN'T REMEMBERED TODAY!

EVERYTHING BAD HAPPENED TO THE GROUP IN 1971-72.  WHEN IT RAINED FOR THEM, HONEY, IT REALLY FUCKING POURED!  THEIR NEXT CRISIS NEARLY COST THEM A BAND MEMBER.  BIG MOOSE WASN'T MONITORING REGGIE MANTLE AND WALDO WEATHERBEE'S SECRET AFFAIR ANYMORE; HE THOUGHT IT WAS OVER AND DONE WITH!  EVIDENTLY, THOUGH, THEY KNOCKED BOOTS A COUPLE MORE TIMES AFTER BREAKING UP.

SO REGGIE'S DOCTOR TOLD HER SHE WAS PREGNANT!  WALDO URGED HER TO GET AN ABORTION, BUT SHE WOULDN'T GO FOR IT.  LONG STORY SHORT: THE PREGNANCY WAS A FALSE ALARM, BUT WALDO DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.  HE THOUGHT REGGIE HAD LIED TO HIM, AND HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH HER!  BY MID-1971, HE WASN'T SHOWING UP AT ARCHIES RECORDING SESSIONS ANYMORE.

WHEN WALDO TURNED HIS BACK ON THEM, SO DID BIG MOOSE.  THE ARCHIES WEREN'T PULLING HITS ANYMORE, AND MOOSIE FELT THEY'D BECOME MORE TROUBLE THAN THEY WERE WORTH. REGGIE BLAMED HERSELF FOR THE COLD SHOULDER THE GROUP WAS GETTING.  SHE GOT VERY DEPRESSED AND ALL BUT STOPPED SPEAKING TO HER BANDMATES. THEY DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER AFFAIR WITH WALDO; TO THEM, SHE WAS JUST IN A FUNKY MOOD!  BUT IT WAS MUCH WORSE THAN THAT.

JUGGY JONES WAS ALWAYS THE FIRST TO ARRIVE AT BAND REHEARSALS; HE'D SET EVERYTHING UP.  ONE DAY, HE CAUGHT REGGIE IN THE ACT OF COMMITTING SUICIDE!  THAT CRAZY LITTLE TRANNY WAS ABOUT TO LEAP TO HER DEATH FROM A SIX-STORY WINDOW.  SHE WAS BAWLING ABOUT HOW NOBODY LOVED HER, THAT SHE WAS TRAPPED IN A WOMAN'S BODY AND WANTED TO DIE!  HOT DOG AND CHILI DOG SAVED THE BITCH'S LIFE. THEY BIT DOWN ON HER LOOSE CLOTHING AS SHE BEGAN TO FALL. THEN JUGGY MANAGED TO GRAB HER BY THE ASS AND PULL HER BACK INSIDE!

OH, PLEASE! WHY SHOULDN’T I CALL REGGIE MANTLE A TRANNY? THAT’S WHAT SHE CALLED HERSELF!  ANYHOW . . . BIG NIPSY FREUND ARRIVED ON THE SCENE AND FOUND HER HYSTERICAL. DUDE QUICKLY TOOK CHARGE OF THE SITUATION: HE TOLD JUGGY TO CALL OFF BAND REHEARSAL AND THEN HE TOOK REGGIE HOME WITH HIM.   SHE STAYED AT HIS APARTMENT FOR ABOUT A WEEK.  

I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED . . . MAYBE HE LET HER USE HER DILDO ON HIM!  NICHOLAS FREUND ALWAYS WAS KINKY AS SHIT!  BUT WHATEVER HAPPENED HAD A POSITIVE EFFECT.  REGGIE WAS FINALLY ABLE TO MOVE PAST WALDO'S REJECTION, AND SHE STARTED TRANSITIONING AGAIN.  THE ARCHIES TOOK THE NEWS OF HER SEX CHANGE AS WELL AS YOU'D EXPECT; I MEAN, WHO UNDERSTOOD GENDER CONFUSION BACK THEN?  STILL, THEY WERE JUST AS SUPPORTIVE AS THEY'D BEEN WHEN SHE TOLD THEM SHE WAS GAY.  AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE KEVIN KELLER HAD A TASTE FOR PUSSY?  THESE FAGGOTS WILL SURPRISE YOU SOMETIMES!  HE STARTED DATING REGGIE AND THEY SOON MOVED IN TOGETHER.

Playlist:

LOVE VIBRATIONS, UK-only EP

WITH A SUBSTITUTE BASS PLAYER, THE ARCHIES WENT TO LAS VEGAS.  BIG NIPSY THOUGHT IT WAS HIGH TIME THEY BENEFITED FROM ARCHIE'S AFFAIR WITH MAMA CASS!  AT HIS URGING, SHE DECIDED TO PRESENT THEM AS HER OPENING ACT AT THE SANDS HOTEL.  WITH GERALDINE GRUNDY’S HELP, THEY WORKED UP A JAZZ-FUSION SHOW, LIKE WHAT THEY USED TO PLAY AT POP TATE'S CLUB.  VEGAS WASN'T READY FOR THE ARCHIES, THOUGH, AND OF COURSE, ARCHIE AND BETTY THOUGHT IT WAS A RACIAL THING!  PROBABLY THE SHOW JUST WASN'T VERY GOOD.  DEANIE GRUNDY CERTAINLY WASN'T AT THE TOP OF HER GAME ANYMORE!  

CASS ELLIOT’S FIRST VEGAS ENGAGEMENT HAD BEEN A FLOP, AND BABE DIDN’T WANT TO RISK ANOTHER FAILURE. SHE OPTED TO REPLACE THE ARCHIES AFTER JUST ONE NIGHT.  POOR ARCHIEKINS FELT HUMILIATED!  THEY ARGUED AND THAT WAS THE END OF THEIR FLING.  DUDE NEVER LOVED HER ANYWAY; ALL HE WANTED WAS A PIECE OF WHITE CELEBRITY ASS!  ARCHIE WAS READY TO FULLY DEVOTE HIS ATTENTIONS TO RONI, BUT HE WAS IN FOR A SURPRISE!  

VERONICA ANNOUNCED THAT SHE WAS EXPECTING MY BROTHER’S BABY.  THIS PREGNANCY WAS REAL; THERE WAS NO MISDIAGNOSIS!  SHE DECIDED SHE DIDN'T WANT TO RAISE HER CHILD WITHOUT A FATHER, SO SHE AND JASON RECONCILED.

RONI BROKE HER NEWS ON THE SAME DAY FILMATION STUDIOS ANNOUNCED THERE’D BE NO FOURTH SEASON OF “ARCHIE” CARTOONS.  RATINGS WERE DOWN, BUT THE PUBLISHING DEAL WITH BIG MOOSE MUSIC IS WHAT REALLY ENDED THE SERIES. THOSE ANIMATORS GOT JEALOUS OF THE HUGE SONG ROYALTIES MOOSIE WAS RAKING IN!  THEY WANTED A CUT, BUT HE SHUT THAT BULLSHIT DOWN IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS.

BIG NIPSY WAS UPSET ABOUT THE TV SHOW ENDING, BUT THE ARCHIES?  THOSE DUMB-ASSES DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT A MAJOR SETBACK IT WAS!  INSTEAD, THEY CELEBRATED BY GIVING A CHARITY CONCERT FOR THE UNITED FARM WORKERS UNION.  RONI, REGGIE AND JUGGY WERE ALL HISPANIC, AND I GUESS THE GROUP WANTED TO PROVE THEY WERE "DOWN WITH LA RAZA".  POSTERS ADVERTISING THE EVENT PROCLAIMED “THE ARCHIES, NOW IN LIVING COLOR!” FOR THEM, IT WAS LIKE BEING SET FREE: NO MORE BEING MISTAKEN FOR WHITE!

BUT THOSE FUCKERS COULDN'T WIN FOR LOSING.  BEFORE, THEY'D BEEN CALLED "ANGLO WANNABES"!  NOW PEOPLE WERE CALLING THEM ANTI-WHITE.  THE BLACK PANTHERS, THE YOUNG LORDS AND THE AMERICAN INDIAN MOVEMENT (AIM) WERE A HIGH-PROFILE PRESENCE AT THAT BACK BAY CONCERT.  MIDDLE AMERICA WAS WARY OF THESE SO-CALLED LIBERATION GROUPS!  WHEN THE ARCHIES DECLARED SOLIDARITY WITH THEM FROM THE STAGE, A LOT OF NEGATIVE PUBLICITY WAS GENERATED.

THEN BIG MOOSE GOT WIND OF IT.  HE FUCKING HIT THE ROOF!  DUDE WAS A STONED POLITICAL CONSERVATIVE AND A NIXON MAN TO THE MAX. "STICK A FORK IN THE ARCHIES!" HE SNARLED. "THEY’RE DONE! NO MORE PROMOTION MONEY FOR THOSE PINKO MOTHERFUCKERS." HE WAS STILL SEETHING WITH ANGER AT ARCHIE, TOO; MOOSIE HAD NEVER FORGIVEN HIM FOR THAT PUNCH IN THE MOUTH BACK IN '68.  REALLY, ARCHIE WAS LUCKY TO STILL BE ALIVE!

RIVERDALE RECORDS WAS LEGALLY MANDATED TO RELEASE AN ARCHIES ALBUM AND A FEW MORE SINGLES, BUT MOOSIE VOWED THEY’D REMAIN HITLESS FOR THE DURATION OF THEIR CONTRACT!  FROM THEN ON, THEY WERE NOTHING BUT A TAX WRITE-OFF FOR HIM.

IN WALDO WEATHERBEE’S ABSENCE, BIG NIPSY AND SOUND ENGINEER ZACHARY THAXTON TOOK OVER A & R SUPERVISION FOR THE BAND. THEY DIDN’T HEAR A HIT SINGLE AMONG THE SONGS NEIL BRIAN GOLDBERG HAD WRITTEN FOR THEIR FORTHCOMING ALBUM.  ZACK SUGGESTED CALLING IN OTHER WRITERS; SO BIG NIPSY ASSIGNED RITCHIE ADAMS AND RON DANTE TO PRODUCE A NEW ARCHIES SINGLE.  

HE TOLD THEM TO AIM IT AT KIDS AND NATURALLY, THAT STARTED ARCHIE BITCHING AGAIN!  DUDE SWORE HE WANTED OUT OF THE BUBBLEGUM ROCK BAG IN THE WORST WAY.  LITTLE DID HE KNOW BIG MOOSE PLANNED TO GIVE HIM JUST WHAT HE WANTED!

AT THE TIME, ARCHIE WAS IN A MOOD TO CELEBRATE: THE LATEST LODGE AIR COMMERCIALS HAD COME OUT.  RAM LODGE HAD FINALLY STARTED USING THE REAL ARCHIES IN PRINT AND TV ADS!  NO MORE DUBBING VOICES FOR WHITE CARTOON CHARACTERS . . . HAPPY FUCKING JOY JOY!  BUT THE AD THAT MOOSIE PLACED IN CASHBOX FOR "THIS IS LOVE" BURST HIS BALLOON REAL FAST.  IN FACT, IT SENT SHOCK WAVES THROUGH THE MUSIC INDUSTRY! 

ALTHOUGH PHOTOGRAPHED IN SHADOW, THE AD CLEARLY SHOWED A NAKED MAN AND WOMAN HAVING A BDSM SEX ENCOUNTER.  WHEN JUGGY JONES SAW IT, DUDE MUST'VE SHIT HIS PANTS! THE PHOTO WAS OF HIM WITH BIG ETHEL! I’D SEEN IT BEFORE: IT WAS AN OLD SURVEILLANCE SHOT THAT MOOSIE’S PRIVATE DETECTIVE HAD TAKEN OF THEM.

NO, HE WASN’T PISSED AT JUG, NOT AT ALL!  THAT WAS JUST MOOSIE'S SICK SENSE OF HUMOR.  BUT NOBODY WAS LAUGHING, ESPECIALLY NOT JUGGY!  DUDE WENT INTO HIDING AND COULDN’T BE LOCATED FOR WEEKS.  ARCHIE WAS FORCED TO HIRE A SERIES OF REPLACEMENT DRUMMERS! 

 THAT NIGGER WAS RAGING MAD, TOO; HE THREATENED TO BEAT MOOSIE TO A PULP!  BIG NIPSY WARNED ARCHIE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, BUT TALKING HIM DOWN WASN'T EASY.  HE HAD TO REVEAL THAT MOOSIE HAD EXPLICIT PHOTOS OF HIM, TOO, GETTING HIS FREAK ON WITH MAMA CASS!   I KNOW HE ALSO HAD THE NEGATIVES OF THOSE WILD PARTY PHOTOS RAM LODGE PAID TO SUPPRESS.  BELIEVE ME, HONEY, WHEN IT CAME TO BLACKMAIL, J. EDGAR HOOVER HAD NOTHING ON BIG MOOSE!  HE COULD'VE RUINED THE ARCHIES ANY TIME HE WANTED.

SO NATURALLY, “THIS IS LOVE” TANKED AS A SINGLE; WHO THE FUCK WAS GOING TO PLAY A SONG THAT CELEBRATED BONDAGE?  SHORTLY AFTER THAT, THE ARCHIES' EXTENDED GIG AT CLUB BOOGALOO ENDED. BIG NIPSY’S FREQUENT “BUSINESS LUNCHES” WITH BOO TORRES HAD TO STOP WHEN HIS WIFE GOT SUSPICIOUS!  ONCE BOO WASN'T GETTING HIS BOOTY PLOWED THE WAY HE LIKED, HIS EVIL SIDE STARTED SHOWING AGAIN.  HIM AND HIS BAND COQUITO STARTED PICKING FIGHTS WITH THE ARCHIES!

ONE DAY, THEY GOT INTO A HUGE BRAWL. ONE OF THE COQUITO GUYS CALLED ARCHIE A "HANDKERCHIEF-HEAD NIGGER", ARCHIE DECKED HIM,  AND THEN THE SHIT HIT THE FAN!  THE CLUB GOT TRASHED, AND BOO KICKED THE ARCHIES OUT ON THEIR ASSES!  JUGGY'S SISTER JELLI TRIED TO INTERVENE, BUT HE WOULDN'T BUDGE.  DUDE THOUGHT IT WAS FINALLY COQUITO'S CHANCE TO SHINE, BUT WAS HE WRONG!  CLUB BOOGALOO'S ATTENDANCE IMMEDIATELY DROPPED OFF, AND IT CLOSED UP IN LESS THAN A YEAR.

SWEET REVENGE FOR THE ARCHIES, MAYBE, BUT THEY WERE IN NO POSITION TO GLOAT. THE END OF THEIR CLUB RESIDENCY, THAT CONTROVERSIAL CASHBOX AD AND THE NEGATIVE AFTERMATH OF THEIR FARM WORKERS' BENEFIT WAS TOO MUCH FOR RAM LODGE.  HE FIRED THEM AS SPOKESMEN FOR LODGE AIR!  BUT DUDE NEVER TALKED ABOUT THE MAIN REASON HE CUT THEM LOOSE: HIS LITTLE EXPERIMENT IN RACIAL DIVERSITY HAD COST HIM BUSINESS!  

MOOSIE HAD BEEN RIGHT TO WARN HIM.  THOSE COMMERCIALS WITH BLACK AND BROWN FACES SCARED WHITE PEOPLE OFF; MOST OF THEM DECIDED TO BOOK A DIFFERENT AIRLINE.  LODGE AIR NEVER RECOVERED; IN ANOTHER FIVE YEARS, THAT COMPANY WAS HISTORY!

VERONICA WAS CRUSHED WHEN RAM TOOK AWAY THE ARCHIES' PRIVATE JET, BUT DADDYKINS WAS HARD-ASSED WHEN IT CAME TO BUSINESS MATTERS!  DUDE URGED HER TO QUIT THE GROUP OUTRIGHT, AND IF SHE DID, HE PROMISED TO JUMP START HER IN A SOLO CAREER.  RONI CLAIMED SHE DIDN’T WANT TO “ABANDON” HER FRIENDS, BUT THAT NOBLE ACT DIDN’T FOOL ME, HONEY.  I KNEW THE BITCH WAS SLEEPING WITH ARCHIE AGAIN!  SO MUCH FOR HER RECONCILIATION WITH JASON!

Playlist:
THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL CONCERT

YOU REMEMBER POP TATE, RIGHT?  HE WAS THE DUDE WHO GAVE THE ARCHIES THEIR FIRST BREAK.  BIG MOOSE WAS PARTNERS WITH HIM IN A CLUB; BUT BY EARLY '71, DWINDLING PROFITS HAD ENDED THAT PARTNERSHIP.  POP DECIDED TO REVAMP HIS JAZZ CLUB. THAT FALL, IT REOPENED AS A ROCK VENUE CALLED THE CHOK’LIT SHOPPE!  HE NEEDED A “NAME” BAND TO LAUNCH THE NEW CLUB AND CALLED IN A FAVOR. THANKS TO THE ARCHIES, THE SHOPPE OPENED TO A WEEK OF STANDING-ROOM-ONLY BUSINESS.

SO POP WANTED THEM FOR HIS HOUSE BAND AGAIN, BUT HE WAS TOO LATE! THE GROUP WAS FALLING APART.  JUGGY STILL HADN’T RETURNED.  RONI WAS IN AND OUT; SHE WAS WORKING THROUGH HER PREGNANCY BUT BATTLING JASON OVER THE DECISION TO DO THAT!  THEN BETTY'S EGO SPUN OUT OF CONTROL: BITCH COMPLAINED THAT HER NON-EXISTENT VOCAL TALENTS WERE BEING NEGLECTED!  AND SINCE HER SUICIDE ATTEMPT, REGGIE’S INTEREST IN PLAYING MUSIC HAD WANED. MISTER TRANNY HAD BEEN DESIGNING MENSWEAR ON THE SIDE, AND NOW SHE WANTED TO DO IT FULL-TIME!

POP TATE COULDN'T GET THE GROUP, SO HE SETTLED FOR THE DRUMMER.  DUDE MADE JUGGY JONES AN OFFER HE COULDN’T REFUSE: IF HE’D SIGN ON AS MANAGER OF THE CHOCK’LIT SHOPPE AND THE CLUB STAYED PROFITABLE, POP WOULD MAKE HIM CO-OWNER AFTER ONE YEAR!  JUGGY ALWAYS DREAMED OF OWNING HIS OWN NIGHTCLUB, SO HE ACCEPTED POP'S OFFER.  HE SOLD HIS SHARE OF CLUB BOOGALOO TO HIS SISTER AND OFFICIALLY GAVE THE ARCHIES NOTICE.

AND THEN THEIR LOVE VIBRATIONS LP CAME OUT.  THAT WAS SO FUNNY TO ME: AFTER WANTING TO CUT AN ALBUM FOR SO LONG, ARCHIE COULD HAVE CARED LESS WHEN IT FINALLY DROPPED!  THE ARCHIES WERE "ON HIATUS" AT THE TIME.  LOVE VIBRATIONS DID GET SOME POSITIVE BUZZ, BUT WITH NO PROMOTION IT NATURALLY WENT BELLY-UP.  THAT RECORD ONLY HAD LIMITED DISTRIBUTION; IT'S A COLLECTOR'S ITEM NOW. 

THE BAND'S CONTRACT WITH RIVERDALE RECORDS WAS ENDING SOON, AND BIG MOOSE HAD NO INTENTION OF RENEWING IT.  HE ORDERED NICHOLAS FREUND TO GIVE NOTICE AS THEIR MANAGER!  BIG NIPSY LOVED THE ARCHIES AND DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE THEM, BUT HE KNEW MOOSIE MEANT BUSINESS!

WITH MIDGE MERCURY STANDING IN FOR JUGGY, THE ARCHIES CLOSED OUT 1971 FULFILLING ENGAGEMENTS BIG NIPSY HAD ALREADY BOOKED. BETTY GUSHED ABOUT THEIR MINI-TOUR OF AFRICA:  "THE ARCHIES IN THE MOTHERLAND!  OOOH, I CAN'T WAIT."  IF ONLY THE BITCH HAD STAYED HER MONKEY ASS OVER THERE!  MOOSIE REFUSED TO FOOT THE BILL FOR THAT TRIP, BUT THEY WENT ANYWAY.  "SUGAR, SUGAR" HAD BEEN A HUGE HIT IN SOUTH AFRICA AND "A SUMMER PRAYER FOR PEACE", A SINGLE THAT WASN'T RELEASED HERE HAD ALSO TOPPED THE CHARTS.  

APARTHEID WAS STILL IN EFFECT BACK THEN, AND THE ARCHIES MADE TROUBLE FOR THEMSELVES.  THEY WERE TOO STUPID TO LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE!  THE GROUP INSISTED ON PLAYING TO INTEGRATED AUDIENCES.  THEY GOT THEIR WAY, BUT ONLY FOR ONE SHOW; THEN SOUTH AFRICAN AUTHORITIES REVOKED THEIR PASSPORTS AND FORCED THEM TO LEAVE!  THEY SHOULD'VE LEARNED A LESSON FROM THAT BRITISH DYKE, DUSTY SPRINGFIELD: A FEW YEARS EARLIER, SHE'D GOTTEN HERSELF DEPORTED DOING THE SAME THING!


THE ARCHIES GOT A WARM WELCOME EVERYWHERE ELSE THEY WENT, THOUGH.  IN GHANA, VERONICA THREW A BRIDAL SHOWER FOR BETTY.  THEN IN CAMEROON, BETTY SURPRISED RONI WITH A BABY SHOWER; BUT WITH ARCHIE FUCKING HER EVERY NIGHT, RONI SURE WASN'T THINKING ABOUT THE BABY!  THAT SKANK WAS PLANNING A DIVORCE!  MY BROTHER SUSPECTED WHAT WAS GOING ON.  HE DECIDED TO HAVE IT OUT WITH HER WHEN THE BAND RETURNED TO BOSTON!

AND THAT'S WHEN JASON AND RONI HAD THEIR WORST FIGHT YET.  I WENT TO THEIR HOUSE IN SOUTHIE AFTER IT HAPPENED; PLACE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING TORNADO HAD HIT IT!  OVERTURNED FURNITURE, TORN CURTAINS AND BROKEN CHINA EVERYWHERE!  JASON TOLD ME VERONICA CHASED HIM WITH A BASEBALL BAT.  SHE FELL OVER A TABLE AND ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID HAPPENED, TOO; IT WASN'T UNTIL LATER THAT SHE ACCUSED HIM OF BEATING HER UP!

 BUT SHE NEARLY LOST HER BABY.  EMERGENCY LABOR HAD TO BE INDUCED, AND JASON JUNIOR WAS BORN PREMATURELY.  MY BROTHER WAS OVERJOYED TO HAVE A SON, BUT RONI CRUELLY SNATCHED HIM AWAY! SHE LEFT THE HOSPITAL EARLY AND FLEW TO HER DADDY’S WINTER HOME IN ACAPULCO. THAT SOUTH-OF-THE-BORDER BITCH TOOK THE BABY WITH HER, AND ONCE THEY WERE DOWN THERE, SHE STARTED TELLING ALL THESE LIES!  SHE CLAIMED JASON HAD BEEN AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND.

GERALDINE GRUNDY WAS LOSING HER MIND BUT SHE WAS STILL AS BIG A GOSSIP AS EVER!  SHE TALKED TO VERONICA ON THE PHONE AND THEN SPREAD HER LIES ALL OVER BOSTON.  AFTER SHE TOLD ARCHIE, THAT CRAZY NIGGER JEW ATTACKED MY BROTHER!  IF I HADN'T BEEN THERE, HE MIGHT'VE BEEN KILLED.  I HIT ARCHIE WITH MY SHOE, AND JASON WAS ABLE TO GET AWAY!  

WE WERE IN THE PROCESS OF FILING ASSAULT CHARGES, BUT THEN HE JUST DISAPPEARED!  WEEKS WENT BY AND NOBODY COULD FIND JASON.  I WAS FRANTIC . . . SOB!  I FILED A MISSING PERSONS REPORT AND SEARCHED EVERYWHERE, BUT IT'S LIKE HE VANISHED INTO THIN AIR.  JUST LIKE THAT, WITH NO EXPLANATION!  I NEVER SAW MY BROTHER AGAIN!  

SOB! SOB!  I LOVED JASON SO MUCH!  BUT I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE.  IT'S TOO PAINFUL!  I'D RATHER FINISH UP TELLING YOU ABOUT THE ARCHIES.  ISN'T THAT ALL YOU'RE REALLY INTERESTED IN?  

THEIR LAST RECORDS CAME OUT IN THE SPRING OF 1972.  "LOVE IS LIVING IN YOU" WAS CUT BACK IN '68 WHEN JUGGY WAS STILL THE LEAD SINGER.  THAT WAS ONE SHITTY TRACK!  THEY DIDN'T EVEN PLAY IT ON WBCN, AND CHARLES LAQUIDARA WAS AN ARCHIES FANATIC!  THEIR FINAL 45 WAS CUT ON THE CHEAP: ZACHARY THAXTON RECORDED IT UP IN HAVERHILL AT HIS HOME STUDIO.  BETTY SANG LEAD, AND GUESS WHAT?  "STRANGERS IN THE MORNING" WAS THE BIGGEST FUCKING FLOP RIVERDALE RECORDS EVER RELEASED!

BY '72, BIG MOOSE WAS PUTTING HIS MUSCLE BEHIND WALDO WEATHERBEE'S LATEST SIGNING: A HEAVY METAL TRIO NAMED ATOMIC DUNG!  TONI TOPAZ CAME OUT OF THAT GROUP AND BECAME A HUGE STAR.  THE ARCHIES WERE A 1969 CASH COW WHOSE TITS HAD LONG SINCE DRIED UP!  WALDO THREW A HITS COMPILATION TOGETHER, AND THAT WAS THE END OF THEIR CATALOG.

 

DEANIE GRUNDY HAD ALREADY RESIGNED AS THE ARCHIES' MUSIC DIRECTOR.  SHE'D SAT OUT THE SESSIONS FOR "THIS IS LOVE" AND "STRANGERS IN THE MORNING", AND REALLY WASN’T WORKING MUCH IN THE STUDIO AT ALL. THAT CRAZY BITCH HAD BECOME AN EMOTIONAL WRECK, IMAGINING PHANTOM ASSAILANTS IN EVERY DARK CORNER!

Playlist:

THE ARCHIES' USO TOUR

SO IN THE SUMMER OF ‘72, SHE DIDN’T GO WITH THE ARCHIES ON THEIR FINAL TOUR.  IT WAS A USO TOUR OF VIETNAM.  BY BOOKING THAT GIG, BIG NIPSY HOPED TO GET THE GROUP BACK IN MOOSIE'S GOOD GRACES; BUT MOST OF THE GROUP WAS ANTI-WAR!  AT FIRST THEY REFUSED TO GO; BUT JELLI JONES-TORRES WAS AN ARMY VETERAN. SHE CONVINCED HER BROTHER THAT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, AND THEN HE CONVINCED THE REST OF THEM.  VERONICA DIDN'T NEED ANY CONVINCING; BOTH SHE AND HER FATHER WERE PRO-WAR REPUBLICANS!

EVERY LEFT-WING MUSIC RAG CONDEMNED THAT TOUR.  IT PUT THE ARCHIES ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE POLITICAL DIVIDE, BUT THEY ALL SAID THEY WERE GLAD TO HAVE GONE. I HEARD THEY PLAYED BETTER THAN THEY EVER HAD BEFORE; AT EVERY STOP, THE TROOPS GAVE THEM A GREAT RECEPTION.  BUT WOULD YOU BELIEVE RONI LEFT MY BROTHER’S BABY WITH A NANNY?  HOW I HATED HER FOR THAT WHEN I FOUND OUT!

BUT I HAD AN EVEN BIGGER REASON TO HATE THAT LITTLE SPIC CUNT!  SHE AND HER WETBACK FATHER WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR JASON'S DISAPPEARANCE.  THEY HAD MY BROTHER MURDERED!  OH, YES!  THERE'S NO DOUBT IN MY MIND.  

ONE OF MOOSIE'S FRIENDS TOLD ME ABOUT IT: RAM LODGE WANTED TO PUNISH JASON FOR HURTING VERONICA!  BUT THE GOONS HE HIRED GOT TOO ROUGH AND KILLED HIM.   RAM PUT HIS DEAD BODY ON A PLANE AND HAD IT DROPPED INTO THE ATLANTIC OCEAN!  I WAS SO DEVASTATED THAT I HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.  MOOSIE SENT ME BACK TO THAT SAME SANITARIUM HE PUT ME IN AFTER I TRIED TO SHOOT BETTY!

THE ARCHIES' FINAL PERFORMANCE WAS IN AUGUST OF '72, AT POP TATE’S CHOCK’LIT SHOPPE. ARCHIE CONVINCED JUGGY AND VERONICA TO APPEAR WITH THE BAND ONE LAST TIME. THEN HE GOT DEANIE GRUNDY TO HELP PUT THE FAREWELL SHOW TOGETHER.  SHE ENDED UP APPEARING ON STAGE WITH THEM, TOO.  

POP TATE WAS ALSO ON STAGE, PLAYING THOSE GUITAR PARTS CHUCK CLAYTON HAD PLAYED ON "SUGAR, SUGAR"; BUT AT THAT FINAL SHOW, THEY MOSTLY BYPASSED HITS IN FAVOR OF LATIN SONGS.  IT WAS TOO LATE TO WIN OVER PEOPLE WHO SAW THEM AS RACE TRAITORS, BUT THOSE IDIOTS WERE STILL GONNA TRY!

THAT NIGHT, I ESCAPED FROM THE SANITARIUM AND MADE IT OUT TO BROOKLINE.  NO WAY WAS I NOT GOING TO BE IN THAT AUDIENCE!  THERE WERE SO MANY PEOPLE, IT WAS HARD TO GET IN.  WHAT I REMEMBER MOST IS HOW MIXED THE CROWD WAS: THERE WERE BLACKS, WHITES, ASIANS, HISPANICS, EVERY KIND OF MOTHERFUCKER UNDER THE SUN! 

THERE WAS A CONTINGENT OF CHELSEA DRAG QUEENS, TOWNIES FROM ARLINGTON, QUINCY AND SOMERVILLE, LOTS OF STUDENTS FROM CAMBRIDGE, SOME SOUTH BOSTON HEADBANGERS, A BUNCH OF ROXBURY STREET KIDS WHO'D MANAGED TO SNEAK IN, AND SEVERAL BEACON HILL RICH BITCHES.  EVERYBODY TURNED OUT TO SEE THE GODDAMN ARCHIES BITE THE DUST! 

THE GROUP PLAYED WITH SO MUCH PASSION, THEY SENT THE OVERFLOW CROWD INTO A FRENZY! THERE WAS A STANDING OVATION THAT LASTED FOR NEARLY TEN MINUTES; BUT WITH EVERY ENCORE, MY HATRED FOR ARCHIE, VERONICA AND GERALDINE GRUNDY GREW!  I COULD BARELY HOLD MYSELF DOWN.  BIG MOOSE DIDN'T LIKE MY BROTHER; I COULDN'T GET HIM TO DO ANYTHING, BUT I SWORE I'D AVENGE HIS DEATH!  AND IF OTHER PEOPLE HAD TO DIE ALONG WITH ARCHIE, RONI AND DEANIE, THAT WAS TOO FUCKING BAD!

CLICK BELOW FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER
“THE FREAKING OUT OF GERALDINE GRUNDY” 
CONCLUDES WITH PART SIX:
VERONICA HAS A FATAL CHINESE FOOD CRAVING IN . . .
GERALDINE! OR CHANGE