The Freaking Out of Geraldine Grundy (Part Three)

POP CULTURE CANTINA PRESENTS

A CARTOONS + CASTANETS PRODUCTION:

The Freaking Out of

GERALDINE GRUNDY

PART THREE OF SIX:

MISS GRUNDY (IF YOU'RE NASTY!)

JUNE PODCAST OF THE POP CULTURE CANTINA,
TEN YEARS FROM NOW . . .

¡DON SEÑORITO CARTOON AQUÍ! WELCOME BACK TO MY PODCAST. WHAT ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MIDST OF A FASCINATING CONVERSATION? THE DAMN PHONE RINGS! THIS PARTICULAR PHONE CALL WAS FROM A PINCHE EX-BOYFRIEND WHO REFUSES TO ACCEPT THAT WE'LL NEVER GET BACK TOGETHER. JUST THE KIND OF CALL TO GET WHILE TALKING WITH YOUR BOSS, QUE NO? IT TOOK ME A MINUTE TO SET DUDE'S TRIFLING ASS STRAIGHT. I FINALLY RANG OFF, BUT WHEN I TURNED AROUND, LAURA PINTO WAS GONE! 

IN HER PLACE SAT THIS BEAUTIFUL RED-HEADED WOMAN. LA PELIRROJA TOLD ME SHE WAS A FRIEND OF LAURA’S. “SHE HAD TO LEAVE IN A HURRY, BUT SHE WANTED ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF TO YOU.  I KNOW WHAT YOU TWO WERE TALKING ABOUT!  IN FACT, I KNOW THE DETAILS BETTER THAN SHE DOES.” THIS WOMAN CLAIMED TO HAVE BEEN BIG MOOSE’S LOVER BACK IN THE LATE 1960S. SHE INSISTED THAT EVERYTHING LAURA HAD SAID ABOUT THE ARCHIES WAS TRUE!  WHEN I ASKED WHAT HER NAME WAS, SHE GAVE ME A FLIRTY LOOK AND SHOOK HER HEAD.  BABE WOULD ONLY IDENTIFY HERSELF AS “LADY B”!  ¡FUE MUY EXTRAÑO!  BUT SHE WANTED TO FINISH THE STORY LAURA HAD STARTED, AND I CERTAINLY WANTED TO HEAR IT.  THIS IS WHAT THE MYSTERY LADY TOLD ME . . .

IN THE SPRING OF ‘69, BIG MOOSE’S WIFE DIED DURING A BOTCHED PLASTIC SURGERY PROCEDURE. YES, IT WAS A TRAGIC LOSS!  BUT BIG ETHEL WAS ALWAYS HAVING SHIT DONE TO HERSELF.  IT HAD GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE MOOSIE HARDLY RECOGNIZED HER AS THE WOMAN HE MARRIED! 

HE AND I GOT INVOLVED JUST A FEW WEEKS BEFORE HER DEATH. MOOSIE DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD LOOK RIGHT FOR ME TO ATTEND THE FUNERAL, BUT HONEY, I'VE GOT A MIND OF MY OWN!  I WENT ANYWAY AND MINGLED WITH THE CROWD. I KNEW THERE’D BE A HUGE TURNOUT, AND HOLY SHIT, WAS I RIGHT! AT LEAST HALF OF BOSTON’S GANGLAND COMMUNITY WAS THERE.

ONE DUDE WHO WASN’T THERE WAS BIG ETHEL'S FILIPINO LOVER, JUGGY JONES. OH YES, MOOSIE KNEW ABOUT HER AFFAIRS!  JUG WASN’T INTO HER AT ALL, AND IT WAS OBVIOUS . . . WE USED TO LAUGH ABOUT THAT.  HE MUST'VE FELT RELIEVED TO BE FREE OF HER KINKY SEXUAL DEMANDS; BUT WHAT DID THAT DUMB-ASS DO BUT GO FROM THE ARMS OF ONE SLUT TO ANOTHER? HE STARTED DATING BETTY COOPER, OF ALL PEOPLE!  BELIEVE ME, THAT BITCH COULDN’T KEEP HER LEGS CLOSED IF YOU PAID HER TO DO IT.

ALL THE ARCHIES WERE PROMISCUOUS!  ARCHIE ANDREWS WAS FUCKING VERONICA LODGE BUT PLAYING THE FIELD BEHIND HER BACK. SHE KNEW IT AND TRIED TO KEEP HIM ON A SHORT LEASH, BUT BABE WAS SEEING OTHER MEN, TOO. ONE DUDE IN PARTICULAR WAS TAKING UP HER TIME: BROTHER JASON BLOSSOM. YES, THAT TRAVELING EVANGELIST LAURA TOLD YOU ABOUT!  AND REGGIE MANTLE WAS MAKING THE SCENE WITH SEVERAL BEAUTIFUL GIRLS, BUT HE WASN’T REALLY INTERESTED IN ANY OF THEM. HE ONLY HAD EYES FOR WALDO WEATHERBEE!

JUST FOR A LAUGH, BIG MOOSE HAD REGGIE AND WALDO’S AFFAIR MONITORED.  THAT WAS KIND OF A SICK HOBBY FOR HIM!   HE HAD HIDDEN CAMERAS SET UP IN PLACES WHERE THEY MET FOR SEX.  ONE DAY, HE SHOWED ME THESE WILD SURVEILLANCE PHOTOS.  WALDO WAS DRESSING REGGIE UP IN FISHNETS, PASTIES, CROTCHLESS PANTIES AND HIGH HEELS . . . IT WAS A SCREAM! I NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY LIFE. 

YOU SEE, MOOSIE FOUND OUT THAT REGGIE WAS REALLY FEMALE.  DON'T ASK ME HOW, HE JUST DID; AND HE KNEW WALDO HAD A BIG THING FOR TRANSSEXUALS. SO HE TOLD WALDO AND DARED HIM TO SEDUCE HER.  WALDO WAS GAME: HE’D FUCKED PLENTY OF DRAG QUEENS BEFORE, BUT SCREWING A DRAG KING WAS A NOVELTY THAT INTRIGUED HIM!

FOR A WHILE, WALDO COULDN’T GET ENOUGH OF REGGIE. HE DIDN’T EVER WANT HER TO LOOK TOO MASCULINE, THOUGH; THAT WOULD PISS HIM OFF! THEY ARGUED OVER REGGIE’S REFUSAL TO SHAVE OFF HER BEARD AND MUSTACHE.  SHE NEVER DID, BUT HE GOT HER TO PRETTY MUCH DO ANYTHING ELSE HE WANTED! BABE SURE DIDN’T LOOK HAPPY IN THOSE SECRET PHOTOS, THOUGH. NOW, DON’T GET ME STARTED ABOUT GENDER PRONOUNS!  SHE HAD A VAGINA, SO WHY SHOULDN'T I CALL HER "SHE"? IF YOU’RE A QUEER, PRONOUNS DON'T MATTER ANYWAY.

BUT I'M SURE YOU WANT TO KNOW ALL ABOUT "SUGAR, SUGAR".  WELL, VERONICA LODGE HAD QUITE AN EGO! SHE WANTED TO SING LEAD, AND SHE BITCHED ABOUT ARCHIE HOGGING THE MICROPHONE ON THE FIRST TWO ARCHIES SINGLES. WALDO FELT STRONGLY THAT ARCHIE SHOULD BE ON LEAD VOCALS, BUT HE PROMISED RONI THAT THE NEXT SINGLE WOULD FEATURE HER VOICE.  HE ASKED JEFF BARRY AND ANDY KIM TO WRITE A SONG WITH A SPECIAL PART FOR HER.

OF COURSE, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SONG WAS; AND WHILE VERONICA IS FEATURED ON IT, SHE ISN'T THE LEAD.  SHE ISN'T EVEN SINGING DUET VOCALS!  HER CONTRIBUTION IS LIMITED TO A LINE NEAR THE END OF THE SONG: I’M GONNA MAKE YOUR LIFE SO SWEET.*  

OH, WHAT, WOW!  WAS THAT LITTLE MEXICAN SPITFIRE INCENSED!  MOOSIE TOLD ME SHE THREATENED TO QUIT THE GROUP.  TO PLACATE HER, WALDO HAD TO PROMISE THAT SHE REALLY WOULD SING LEAD NEXT TIME. HE TOLD JEFF AND ANDY TO “WRITE SOMETHING FOR A GIRL’S VOICE THAT WASN’T A TYPICAL GIRL’S SONG.” FIRST, THOUGH, THEY HAD TO RUN “SUGAR, SUGAR” BY BIG MOOSE FOR HIS APPROVAL.

FRANKLY, I COULDN’T STAND THAT SONG!  BUT FOR SOME REASON, MOOSIE JUST LOVED IT.  HE DECLARED IT “A FUCKING HOT TICKET” AND HAD THE SINGLE SHIPPED EARLY IN MAY 1969. THE FOLLOWING MONTH, A GUY NAMED DAN DE CARLO DIRECTED A TROPICAL-THEMED CONCERT SEQUENCE TO AIR ON THE ARCHIES’ CARTOON SERIES. 

THE SERIES WAS IN RERUNS, THOUGH; THAT VIDEO WOULDN’T BE SEEN UNTIL “THE ARCHIE COMEDY HOUR” DEBUTED IN SEPTEMBER!  RIVERDALE RECORDS RESORTED TO TRADITIONAL PROMOTION METHODS TO GET "SUGAR, SUGAR" ON THE RADIO. YES, I’M TALKING ABOUT PAYOLA!  OH HONEY, BIG MOOSE WAS AN OLD HAND AT PAY-FOR-PLAY!

BUZZ DEVELOPED SLOWLY ON THAT RECORD. I REMEMBER THAT SALES INITIALLY SPIKED IN LATIN AMERICA. THE ARCHIES TRAVELED SOUTH OF THE BORDER FOR A SERIES OF NIGHTCLUB APPEARANCES. MOOSIE TOLD ME HOW, IN ORDER TO PROMOTE A MAJOR GIG IN MEXICO CITY, THEIR MANAGER NICHOLAS FREUND TOLD THE MALE BAND MEMBERS TO STRIP NAKED!  IT WAS A PROMOTIONAL STUNT, GET IT?  HE HIRED A PHOTOGRAPHER TO SNAP THEM SWIMMING IN THE NUDE.

ARCHIE AND JUGGY DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT, AND FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, REGGIE WOULDN’T DO IT; BUT BIG NIPSY FREUND ALWAYS KNEW HOW TO PROMOTE AN ACT!  ARCHIE AND REGGIE FINALLY AGREED TO GO SKINNY-DIPPING, AND WHEN THOSE BARE-ASSED PHOTOS GOT PRINTED UP, BIG NIPSY . . . THAT'S NICHOLAS FREUND . . . HAD THEM DISTRIBUTED TO MEXICAN TABLOIDS. 

THEY APPEARED IN PRINT TWO DAYS BEFORE THE FIRST SHOW, AND MEXICO CITY JUST WENT APESHIT!  SPIC WOMEN AND FAGGOTS SHOWED UP IN DROVES, AND THE GIG WAS SOLD OUT.  OH, SORRY, HONEY!  I FORGOT HOW SENSITIVE YOU ARE ABOUT LANGUAGE.

THEN IN THE LATE SUMMER OF ‘69, A RUMOR SPREAD OUT OF SAN FRANCISCO THAT “SUGAR, SUGAR” WAS A DRUG SONG. GUESS WHO STARTED THAT RUMOR? BIG NIPSY AGAIN!  WALDO WEATHERBEE SENT OUT A VERY INDIGNANT PRESS RELEASE DENYING THE RUMOR, BUT BY THEN IT HAD TAKEN FIRM HOLD. EVERYBODY WANTED TO HEAR THIS “STONER” SONG!

DURING THAT TIME, THE ARCHIES WERE ADDED TO THE ROSTER OF A BIG OUTDOOR CONCERT IN UPSTATE NEW YORK. THAT’S RIGHT, WOODSTOCK . . . CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE THEM PLAYING THAT FESTIVAL? HOWEVER, PROMOTER BILL GRAHAM GOT THEM BUMPED OFF THE SCHEDULE.  CARLOS SANTANA’S BAND TOOK THEIR PLACE. IRONICALLY, SANTANA HAILED FROM SAN FRANCISCO WHERE “SUGAR, SUGAR” FINALLY BROKE FOR A HIT!

THAT FUGLY SONG LEAPT INTO THE TOP TWENTY, AND THEN THE TOP TEN. BY MID-SEPTEMBER, IT WAS HOLDING DOWN THE TOP SPOT. THEN “SUGAR, SUGAR” STARTED TOPPING CHARTS AROUND THE WORLD!  I WAS IN THE OFFICE WITH MOOSIE A FEW TIMES WHEN THE INTERNATIONAL SALES FIGURES CAME IN.  EVERY TIME THAT SINGLE HIT NUMBER ONE, HE'D SEND OUT FOR CHAMPAGNE AND CAVIAR.  WE'D CELEBRATE OUR ASSES OFF!  THOSE WERE GOOD TIMES!

AFTER THEY'D BAGGED A STONE SMASH, BIG NIPSY WAS ABLE TO BOOK THE ARCHIES INTO THE FILLMORE EAST.  THEY TOOK DEANIE GRUNDY'S BI-RACIAL LOVER CHUCK CLAYTON WITH THEM TO NEW YORK; HE'D PLAYED GUITAR ON THE SINGLE, AND THEY NEEDED HIM TO GET THE RIGHT SOUND FOR "SUGAR, SUGAR" ON STAGE.  I ATTENDED THE LAST OF THEIR FOUR FILLMORE ENGAGEMENTS. IN CONCERT THE ARCHIES REALLY DIDN'T SOUND SO HOT, BUT THEY HAD GREAT MATERIAL AND WERE VERY ENERGETIC ON STAGE. THEY COULD WIN OVER A SKEPTICAL CROWD. LORD KNOWS, BETTY COOPER DROVE MEN WILD, SHAKING THAT BIG BLACK ASS OF HERS!

ARCHIE’S OLD BOSS TOMMY JAMES WAS ALSO ON THE BILL THAT NIGHT. THE FILLMORE WENT UP LIKE A FIRECRACKER WHEN HE WALKED OUT ON STAGE!  TOMMY JOINED THE ARCHIES FOR THEIR FINALE, A NEW SONG CALLED "GET ON THE LINE". THAT PERFORMANCE GOT A STANDING OVATION WHICH WAS DESERVED; IT WAS A BITCHIN' SHOW!  POP STAR CASS ELLIOT WAS THERE, TOO, AND SHE REQUESTED TO MEET THE ARCHIES BACKSTAGE. THAT’S WHEN SHE AND ARCHIE STARTED SEEING EACH OTHER. 

OH YES, HONEY!  IT DEVELOPED INTO QUITE THE HOT LITTLE AFFAIR, YOU KNOW.  HER MANAGER HAD ONE HELL OF A TIME KEEPING IT OUT OF THE TABLOIDS: “MAMA CASS GETS IT ON WITH A BLACK STUD”, THAT KIND OF THING . . . INTERRACIAL DATING WAS STILL FROWNED ON BACK THEN.  I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT CASS SAW IN HIM; ARCHIE ANDREWS WAS AN ABRASIVE PERSONALITY WITH SERIOUS ANGER CONTROL ISSUES: A REAL PISSER!  BUT I HEARD SHE REALLY FELL HARD FOR HIM. HE WAS JUST USING HER, THOUGH: THAT NIGGER WAS ONLY INTERESTED IN MAKING VERONICA JEALOUS.  OH, I SLIPPED AGAIN, DIDN'T I?  SORRY, HONEY!  GUESS I'VE GOT A POTTY MOUTH!

MEANWHILE, RONI LODGE WAS GETTING MORE DEEPLY INVOLVED WITH BROTHER BLOSSOM. THEY'D BEGUN TO CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER.  IT WAS A SHOCK WHEN HE TOLD HER THAT THE WOMAN WHO'D TRIED TO SHOOT BETTY WAS HIS SISTER, CHERYL BLOSSOM!  HE EXPLAINED THAT CHERYL HAD A DRUG PROBLEM, BUT WAS NOW GETTING THE BEST OF CARE. 

VERONICA TOOK THE NEWS WELL, BUT BETTY THREW A SHIT FIT! SHE

TOLD RONI IT WAS “A BAD SIGN” AND PRESSURED HER TO BREAK UP WITH JASON. TO HER CREDIT, VERONICA IGNORED THAT MEDDLING SKANK!  SHE WAS TOTALLY IN JASON’S CORNER BACK THEN AND, WELL, SHE SEEMED TO BE VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH HIM.

Playlist:
ARCHIES EP "SUDDENLY SUSAN"

BIG NIPSY USED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW HARD IT WAS GETTING PRESS COVERAGE FOR THE ARCHIES.  GIVEN THAT THEY WERE THE FIRST NONWHITE ROCK BAND TO HAVE A NUMBER ONE SINGLE, YOU'D THINK THE MEDIA WOULD BE ALL OVER THEM! THAT NEVER REALLY HAPPENED, THOUGH.  EVEN IN THEIR HOMETOWN OF BOSTON, THERE WASN'T MUCH PRESS.  THAT DIDN'T CHANGE UNTIL RONI'S FATHER PROPOSED A BUSINESS DEAL. 

HE ASKED THE ARCHIES TO BECOME SPOKESMEN FOR HIS AIRLINE. HE WANTED THEM TO APPEAR IN TV AND RADIO ADS FOR LODGE AIR, AND AS PART OF THE DEAL, THEY’D GET THEIR OWN PRIVATE JET AND PILOT.  DUDE GAVE THEM A CUSTOMIZED TRAVELING VAN, TOO, AND ALL OF THEIR TRANSPORTATION COSTS WERE COVERED BY LODGE INDUSTRIES.

WHEN BIG MOOSE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE DEAL, HE REFUSED TO SIGN OFF.  IT DIDN’T REALLY BOTHER HIM; HE JUST WANTED TO NEGOTIATE HIS OWN PERK!  HE GOT IT, TOO: RAM LODGE AGREED TO LET BIG MOOSE MUSIC PROVIDE ORIGINAL SONGS FOR HIS AIRLINE COMMERCIALS. 

MOST OF THOSE JINGLES WERE WRITTEN AND PRODUCED BY RON DANTE. RON WAS ANOTHER TOP SONGWRITER THAT MOOSIE HAD UNDER CONTRACT; A NICE ITALIAN BOY.  CUTE, TOO!  THE FIRST LODGE AIR JINGLE HE WROTE DID DOUBLE DUTY: WALDO WEATHERBEE TURNED IT INTO A COMMERCIAL SONG CALLED "SUDDENLY SUSAN" AND RELEASED IT ON AN EP.

RAM LODGE WAS A RIGHT-WING CONSERVATIVE, BUT HE WAS PROGRESSIVE, TOO.  DUDE WANTED TO PIONEER RACIAL DIVERSITY IN ADVERTISING.  MOOSIE PUT A STOP TO THAT!  BIG MOOSE HATED ARCHIE LIKE POISON, AND I THINK HE DID IT OUT OF PURE SPITE.  INSTEAD OF ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF THE ARCHIES, HE URGED RAM TO USE ANIMATION FROM "THE ARCHIE SHOW" IN HIS ADS.  "THOSE CARTOON CHARACTERS ARE WHAT THE PUBLIC KNOW BEST," HE SAID.  "WHY PUT NEGROES ON SCREEN AND NEEDLESSLY STIR UP CONTROVERSY?  YOU COULD LOSE A LOT OF MONEY."  

RAM LOST HIS NERVE AND FOLLOWED MOOSIE'S ADVICE.  OF COURSE, THAT REINFORCED THE ALREADY WIDESPREAD NOTION THAT THE ARCHIES WERE WHITE!  AT LEAST THE ADS USED THEIR REAL SPEAKING VOICES, BUT THAT MADE IT WORSE FOR ARCHIE.  IT FUCKED WITH HIS MIND TO HEAR HIS BLACK VOICE COMING OUT OF A FRECKLED WHITE CARTOON FACE!  FOR A LONG TIME, DUDE REFUSED TO WATCH LODGE AIR COMMERCIALS. 

STILL, THAT ENDORSEMENT DEAL DREW THE MEDIA'S ATTENTION.  THE ARCHIES STARTED GETTING LOTS OF INTERVIEW REQUESTS.  THEN INTEREST DROPPED OFF AGAIN; I GUESS THE NOVELTY OF INTERVIEWING A MIXED-RACE GROUP DIDN'T LAST LONG!  BUT THERE WERE STILL REQUESTS FROM LATIN AND BLACK MEDIA. ONE OF THE FIRST INTERVIEWS THEY DID WAS FOR JET MAGAZINE.  THAT WAS THE BIGGEST AFRICAN-AMERICAN WEEKLY BACK THEN.  

I WASN'T IN THE HABIT OF READING BLACK MEDIA, BUT MOOSIE GOT A KICK OUT OF THE QUOTES ARCHIE GAVE JET.  IN REPLY TO A QUESTION ABOUT WHAT KIND OF BAND THE ARCHIES WERE, DUDE SAID: “WE ARE A SOUL BAND. AND A ROCK BAND. AND A LATIN BAND!  WE PLAY JAZZ AND COUNTRY MUSIC, TOO. HAVING DIFFERENT SKIN COLORS AND CULTURAL BACKGROUNDS ISN’T A LIMITATION FOR US: IT’S LIKE A DEEP WELL THAT WE DRAW INSPIRATION FROM."  BETTY COOPER HAD TO PUT HER TWO CENTS IN: "SEGREGATION IS DEAD, IN MUSIC AND EVERYTHING ELSE!  THE ARCHIES ARE THE FUTURE OF POP.” REALLY PRETENTIOUS BULLSHIT!  IT MADE FOR GOOD COPY IN 1969, BUT MOOSIE AND I WERE IN STITCHES READING IT.

THAT WHITE ROCK GROUP THAT EVERYONE TODAY CLAIMS IS THE ARCHIES HAVE A SQUEAKY-CLEAN IMAGE. OH-MY-FUCKING-GOODNESS!  SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK ‘N’ ROLL ARE SIMPLY ANATHEMA TO THEM. BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, HONEY: THE REAL ARCHIES WERE NO ANGELS! TO MY KNOWLEDGE, THEY NEVER DID ANY HARD DRUGS, BUT THEY SMOKED LOTS OF WEED, THEY FUCKING DRANK LIKE FISH, AND THEY WEREN’T BEYOND TRASHING HOTEL ROOMS, EITHER.

THEIR SPECIALTY, THOUGH, WAS DRUNKEN ORGIES. EVERY HOOKER FROM TUCSON TO POUGHKEEPSIE MUST HAVE PARTIED WITH THOSE GUYS, AND I’M NOT EXAGGERATING!  BETTY AND VERONICA KEPT THEIR WHORING ON THE DOWN-LOW, AND REGGIE WAS PREOCCUPIED WITH WALDO WEATHERBEE; BUT ARCHIE AND JUGGY'S BEHAVIOR WAS COMPLETELY OFF THE CHAIN!

RIGHT AFTER “SUGAR, SUGAR” HIT BIG, SOMEBODY TOOK PICTURES OF AN ALL-DAY PARTY THEY THREW.  IT STARTED ON THE BEACH IN HONOLULU AND ENDED UP ON THE ARCHIES’ PRIVATE JET.  I MEAN TO TELL YOU, HONEY!  THOSE DUDES WERE HUMPING ASS, EATING PUSSY, GETTING BLOWJOBS AND STICKING FINGERS (AMONG OTHER THINGS) UP GIRLS' CUNTS. AND THE SHIT WAS ABOUT TO HIT THE FAN: THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER GOT HOLD OF THOSE PHOTOS AND WAS READY TO PUBLISH THEM!

VERONICA CALLED ON HER FATHER FOR HELP, AND HE PAID PLENTY TO SUPPRESS THOSE PICTURES.  DUDE WAS ROYALLY PISSED THAT THIS WILD PARTY HAPPENED ON ONE OF HIS AIRPLANES!  HE LAID DOWN THE LAW TO THE ARCHIES, AND GERALDINE GRUNDY ALSO GAVE THEM A DRESSING-DOWN. SHE REMINDED THEM ABOUT BEING ROLE MODELS FOR KIDS. YEAH, AS IF!  ARCH AND JUGGY CERTAINLY DIDN’T STOP SCREWING AROUND, BUT THEY WERE MORE CAREFUL AFTER THAT.

SO ANYWAY . . . “SUGAR, SUGAR” TOPPED THE CHARTS IN SEVERAL EUROPEAN COUNTRIES. THE ARCHIES FLEW TO ENGLAND AND APPEARED ON “TOP OF THE POPS”. WHILE OVER THERE, BIG NIPSY ARRANGED FOR THEM TO STAR IN A SIX-EPISODE VARIETY SERIES ON THE BBC.  THEY'D TAPE IT LATER IN THE YEAR, BUT FIRST THE BAND RETURNED TO THE STATES FOR A SHORT PERSONAL APPEARANCE TOUR.  KEVIN KELLER FROM THE GIGOLETTES LENT AN EXTRA HAND ON KEYBOARDS.  THAT LITTLE KRAUT FAGGOT COULD PLAY RINGS AROUND RONI . . . OOPS!  I FORGOT THIS IS A POLITICALLY-CORRECT ZONE!

SPEAKING OF VERONICA, IT WAS HER TURN TO SHINE.  WALDO WEATHERBEE PLANNED THE NEXT ARCHIES SINGLE TO SHOWCASE HER VOICE. THEY CUT JEFF BARRY AND ANDY KIM’S LATEST SONG AT BOSSTOWN SOUND, AND THAT WAS THEIR FIRST RECORDING IN WALDO’S NEW STUDIO. JUST ONE WEEK AFTER THE SESSION, BIG MOOSE RELEASED “JINGLE JANGLE”. THE SONG REQUIRED A HIGH VOICE, AND THAT MEANT VERONICA COULD SING HER FIRST LEAD.  EXCEPT FOR DUETS, THAT ENDED UP BEING HER ONLY LEAD, BUT SHE DIDN'T COMPLAIN ANYMORE: BABE GOT DISTRACTED BY HER COMPLICATED LOVE LIFE!  I'LL SAY MORE ABOUT THAT LATER.

I LIKED "JINGLE JANGLE" MUCH BETTER THAN "SUGAR, SUGAR".  THE SONG WAS AIMED AT A SLIGHTLY OLDER AUDIENCE; EVEN SO, A CARTOON MUSIC VIDEO DIRECTED BY HARRY LUCEY WENT INTO ROTATION ON “THE ARCHIE COMEDY HOUR”.  BY EARLY 1970, THE ARCHIES HAD SCORED THEIR SECOND TOP TEN SMASH!  IN MY OPINION, THEY OWED IT ALL TO MOOSIE’S PROMOTION SAVVY AND BIG NIPSY'S VISION FOR THEM.  NOT TO MENTION MIDGE MERCURY AND HER GIGOLETTES, WHO CUT MOST OF THEIR INSTRUMENTAL TRACKS!

SIMULTANEOUS TO THE SINGLE’S RELEASE, AN EXTENDED-PLAY DISC CALLED “BOYS AND GIRLS” HIT THE MARKET, JUST IN TIME FOR STUFFING IN BRATS' CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS. NATURALLY, ARCHIE WASN’T SATISFIED!  HE DEMANDED AN ALBUM, BUT HEY!  AN EP WAS BETTER THAN NOTHING, RIGHT? THAT HALF-BREED JEW BASTARD WAS SO UNGRATEFUL . . . OH, SHIT.  DID I OFFEND YOU AGAIN?

JUST BEFORE THE ARCHIES LEFT FOR THEIR RETURN TRIP TO ENGLAND, BROTHER BLOSSOM ASKED VERONICA TO MARRY HIM. SHE CONSENTED, AND IT JUST ABOUT KILLED ARCHIE!  I HEARD THAT RAM LODGE REACTED BADLY, TOO.  THEY DECIDED TO GET MARRIED RIGHT AWAY; THE WEDDING TOOK PLACE OVER A WEEKEND AT MARTHA’S VINEYARD.  IT WAS THROWN TOGETHER IN A HURRY, BUT REGGIE MANTLE DESIGNED A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING ENSEMBLE IN PASTEL COLORS.  NO, I WASN'T THERE; I DID SEE THE PHOTO ALBUM, THOUGH, AND THAT GOSSIP GERALDINE GRUNDY FILLED EVERYBODY IN ON THE DETAILS.

ALL THE GROUP MEMBERS ATTENDED EXCEPT ARCHIE. HIS ABSENCE REALLY UPSET RONI, SO THAT MARRIAGE WAS IN TROUBLE EVEN BEFORE THEY EXCHANGED VOWS!  THEN, AT THE WEDDING RECEPTION, JASON ASKED VERONICA TO RETIRE FROM SINGING. SHE FLAT-OUT REFUSED!  FROM THAT POINT, IT WAS ALL DOWNHILL FOR THE TWO OF THEM.

AND THEN DEANIE GRUNDY STARTED HAVING HER PROBLEMS. THE MORNING OF THE ARCHIES’ FLIGHT TO ENGLAND, SHE CLAIMED THAT A HUGE DOG ATTACKED HER AND DRAGGED HER SKINNY ASS INTO AN ALLEY!  PEOPLE CAME RUNNING WHEN SHE SCREAMED, BUT ALL THEY SAW WAS DEANIE SITTING ON THE GROUND NEXT TO A GARBAGE CAN.  SHE TOLD THEM THIS ELUSIVE DOG HAD BITTEN HER ARMS AND LEGS, BUT SHE HAD NO BITE MARKS OR BRUISES!  I ALWAYS DID THINK DEANIE WAS MENTALLY UNSTABLE, BUT THAT'S WHEN EVERYBODY BECAME AWARE OF HER ISSUES.

Playlist:
"THE ARCHIE/SUGAR, SUGAR/JINGLE JANGLE SHOW" 

THE ARCHIES PRE-TAPED MUSIC FOR THEIR TV SERIES AT ABBEY ROAD, THE BEATLES' STUDIO.  MY HOMEGIRL LAURA PINTO SUPERVISED THE RECORDING SESSIONS. AFTERWARDS, THE SERIES WAS FILMED AT AN OLD CASTLE IN KENT, ENGLAND. IT HAD A HALLOWEEN THEME, WITH A LIVE AUDIENCE IN SPOOKY COSTUMES.  MOOSIE COULDN’T ATTEND, BUT I WAS THERE. HONEY, WE HAD A FUCKING BLAST!  LOTS OF FOOD, DRINK, DANCING AND PEOPLE SMOKING BLUNTS OUT OF CAMERA RANGE.  

TWO HIT SONGS WERE INTRODUCED ON THAT SERIES, TOO: "MONTEGO BAY" AND "HEAVY MAKES YOU HAPPY".  IT WOULD BE A YEAR BEFORE ANYBODY IN AMERICA EVEN HEARD THEM.  I KNOW THE ARCHIES WANTED TO CUT THOSE TUNES REALLY BAD, BUT BOBBY BLOOM BEAT THEM TO THE PUNCH.  BIG MOOSE WOULD NEVER HAVE ALLOWED IT, ANYWAY; THEY WEREN'T HIS COPYRIGHTS!

NEAR THE END OF FILMING, GERALDINE GRUNDY HAD ANOTHER CRISIS. WOULD YOU BELIEVE SHE ACCUSED MY MOOSIE OF ATTACKING HER ON THE SET? SHE TOLD EVERYBODY HE WAS DRESSED AS A VAMPIRE, OF ALL THINGS; SO NATURALLY, HE HAD TO CHASE HER DOWN AND BITE HER ON THE THROAT!   

MOOSIE WAS HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY IN AMERICA. IT WAS CRAZY TALK! THERE WERE NO WOUNDS ON DEANIE’S THROAT, AND NOBODY ELSE SAW THIS IMAGINARY DRACULA.  DO YOU KNOW THAT BITCH BECAME COMPLETELY HYSTERICAL?  SHE SPENT THE REST OF THAT TRIP SEDATED IN HER HOTEL BED.  CHUCK CLAYTON FLEW IN TO BE WITH HER.  MAYBE DUDE THOUGHT HE COULD FUCK SOME SENSE INTO THAT DIZZY BLONDE HEAD OF HERS!

*Lyrics to "Sugar, Sugar" copyright
Sony/ATV Songs/Steeplechase Music (BMI)

CLICK BELOW FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER
“THE FREAKING OUT OF GERALDINE GRUNDY” 
CONTINUES WITH PART FOUR:
HOT DOG AND CHILI DOG GO 
FOR A WILD RIDE IN . . .
THE DEVIL IN MISS GRUNDY!