The Freaking Out of Geraldine Grundy (Part Two)

POP CULTURE CANTINA PRESENTS

A CARTOONS + CASTANETS PRODUCTION:

The Freaking Out of

GERALDINE GRUNDY

PART TWO OF SIX:

DEANIE, GET YOUR YO-YO!

JUNE PODCAST OF THE POP CULTURE CANTINA,
TEN YEARS FROM NOW . . .

HELLO, MY NAME IS LAURA PINTO. I’M THE FOUNDER OF POP CULTURE CANTINA. YOU’RE LISTENING TO ONE OF MY EMPLOYEES, DON SEÑORITO CARTOON, TALK ABOUT SOMETHING HE SAYS HAPPENED HERE LAST WEEK. IT INVOLVES THE ARCHIES, A GROUP I KNOW MORE THAN A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT. 

HOWEVER, I CAN’T CORROBORATE SOME OF THE THINGS HE’S GOING TO TELL YOU! I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT A MULTI-RACIAL GROUP OF MUSICIANS WHO USED THE ARCHIES' NAME. THAT SAID, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT MacKENZIE ABSALOM (DON SEÑORITO’S REAL NAME) IS ONE OF THE MOST HONEST PEOPLE I’VE EVER KNOWN. HE WOULD NEVER INTENTIONALLY LIE TO ANYONE!  

SO I’M AT A LOSS AT HOW TO EXPLAIN OUR DISAGREEMENT; BUT I’VE DECIDED TO LET HIM CONTINUE TELLING YOU THIS STRANGE STORY. AFTER HE’S DONE, YOU CAN DECIDE FOR YOURSELVES HOW CREDIBLE IT IS . . . OR ISN’T!

WELCOME BACK, AMIGOS. BEFORE THE BREAK, I WAS RECALLING WHAT MY BOSS, LAURA PINTO SAID ABOUT THE ARCHIES.  SHE TOLD ME HOW THEY CAME TOGETHER AND BEGAN MAKING RECORDS. KEY TO THE STORY WAS GERALDINE GRUNDY WHO, IT TURNS OUT WAS NOT A SCHOOLTEACHER AS I’D ALWAYS HEARD! MISS GRUNDY WAS A MUSIC ARRANGER WHO HELPED TURN THE ARCHIES INTO A COMMERCIAL ROCK GROUP. 

SHE WAS THERE WHEN A MAFIA BOSS NAMED DUKE MASON SIGNED THEM TO A RECORDING CONTRACT. YOU MAY KNOW HIM BETTER BY ANOTHER NAME: BIG MOOSE!  HE WAS ANOTHER ARCHIES ASSOCIATE WHOSE TRUE IDENTITY CAUGHT ME BY SURPRISE; AND AS LAURA REVEALED MORE TO ME ABOUT THIS BAND SHE CALLED THE "REAL ARCHIES", SURPRISES CAME FAST AND FURIOUS!

GRUDGINGLY, THE ARCHIES ACCEPTED THE TERMS OF THEIR NEW CONTRACT. THEY ASKED DEANIE GRUNDY TO CONTINUE AS THEIR MUSIC DIRECTOR. SHE WAS HESITANT, FEARING THAT DUKE MASON WOULD TRY TO ASSAULT HER AGAIN! BUT WHEN THE GROUP'S NEW MANAGER, NICHOLAS FREUND PROMISED THAT MASON WOULD KEEP HIS DISTANCE, SHE AGREED. DEANIE WAS SO AFRAID OF THAT MAN!

WHEN I FIRST SPOKE WITH HER IN 1969, IT WAS RIGHT AFTER “SUGAR, SUGAR” HAD BECOME A SMASH HIT.  SHE CONFIDED THAT THE ARCHIES HADN’T COLLECTED A CENT IN ROYALTIES!  I DON’T THINK THEY EVER DID, EITHER. MASON HAD THEM UNDER HIS THUMB BUT GOOD!

HOWEVER, THEY GOT THE BENEFIT OF ROXY RECORDS' AGGRESSIVE SALES STAFF AND LARGE DISTRIBUTION NETWORK. THEY HAD ARTIST AND REPERTOIRE SUPERVISION BY WALDO WEATHERBEE, A PROVEN HITMAKER; AND THEY ALSO GOT TO WORK WITH JEFF BARRY.  HE WAS ONE OF THE HOTTEST WRITER/PRODUCERS IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY BACK THEN.

WEATHERBEE CHRISTENED HIS RECORD LABEL "RIVERDALE".  THAT WAS THE NAME OF HIS HIGH SCHOOL. AFTER ATTENDING AN ARCHIES REHEARSAL, HE MADE A KEY DECISION: ARCHIE, NOT JUGHEAD, WOULD BE THE LEAD SINGER! THEN HE GOT JEFF BARRY TO WRITE A SLEW OF NEW SONGS FOR THE GROUP. THEIR FIRST RECORD DATES WERE HELD AT BOSTON’S THIRD DIMENSION STUDIOS. LATER ON, WEATHERBEE OPENED HIS OWN FACILITY CALLED BOSSTOWN SOUND, AND THE ARCHIES CUT THEIR SESSIONS THERE.

HE LISTENED TO THEIR UNRELEASED DEBUT RECORD AND WASN'T IMPRESSED. "THAT'S LIKE A THOUSAND OTHER RECORDS," HE TOLD DEANIE. "WE NEED TO CUSTOMIZE A SOUND FOR THE ARCHIES!"  TOWARD THAT END, HE BROUGHT IN ANOTHER BAND TO AUGMENT THEM IN THE STUDIO: MIDGIE + THE GIGOLETTES! 

 LED BY FEMALE DRUMMER MIDGE MERCURY, THE GIGOLETTES INCLUDED CHUCK CLAYTON ON GUITAR, CHUCK'S BROTHER CORKY ON BASS AND KEVIN KELLER ON KEYBOARDS. OTHER MEMBERS CAME AND WENT.  BY THE LATE ‘60S, SIDEMEN WERE COMMONPLACE AT RECORDING SESSIONS; EVEN THE BEATLES USED THEM! LIKE THE ARCHIES, MIDGIE + THE GIGOLETTES WERE AN INTER-RACIAL GROUP, BUT THEY RARELY PLAYED TOGETHER OUTSIDE THE STUDIO.

WEATHERBEE ALSO CALLED ON DUKE MASON’S WIFE FAWN. KNOWN AS BIG ETHEL, SHE LED THE VIXENS, A FEMALE BACKGROUND VOCAL TRIO. THEY STARTED WORKING WITH THE ARCHIES AT NICHOLAS FREUND'S REQUEST. “WITH HIS WIFE IN THE STUDIO,” HE ASSURED DEANIE, “BIG MOOSE WILL STAY AWAY FROM RECORD DATES! BELIEVE ME, YOU WON’T EVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SEEING HIM.”

WITHIN WEEKS, THREE STEAMY AFFAIRS BEGAN. CHUCK CLAYTON WAS A YO-YO FANATIC, AND HE ALWAYS BROUGHT ONE TO REHEARSALS.  DEANIE WAS FOND OF YO-YO'S, TOO, AND SHE CHALLENGED HIM TO A COMPETITION.  SHE WON, AND HE ASKED HER TO TEACH HIM HER TRICKS. SHE DID, AND NOT JUST WITH A YO-YO!  DEANIE STARTED TEACHING CHUCK HOW TO ARRANGE MUSIC.  BEFORE LONG THEY WERE SPENDING TIME TOGETHER OUTSIDE THE STUDIO. SHE SHOWED ME PHOTOS; THEY WERE QUITE SMITTEN WITH EACH OTHER! 

WHILE SHE DATED CHUCK, REGGIE MANTLE WAS SUCCUMBING TO THE CHARMS OF . . . WELL, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS!  WALDO WEATHERBEE BECAME HIS LOVER. SOMEHOW, HE DISCOVERED REGGIE'S GENDER SECRET: THAT HE HAD FEMALE  GENITALS!  WEATHERBEE SUGGESTED THAT THE TWO OF THEM GO OUT FOR A DRINK, AND REGGIE WAS AFRAID TO SAY NO!  ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, AND THEY ENDED UP IN A HOTEL ROOM.  IT WAS THE FIRST OF MANY SECRET RENDEZ-VOUS . . .WALDO WEATHERBEE WAS MARRIED, YOU SEE.    

REGGIE REGRETTED THE AFFAIR ALMOST IMMEDIATELY.  WEATHERBEE SAW HIM AS A WOMAN WHO LIKED PRETENDING TO BE MALE, EVEN THOUGH HE'D ALREADY BEGUN THE PROCESS OF GENDER REASSIGNMENT. REGGIE ACTUALLY STOPPED TAKING HORMONES AT HIS REQUEST!  ACCORDING TO DEANIE, WEATHERBEE TOLD HIM HE'D ONLY ACCEPT SO MUCH TRANSITIONING. REGGIE REALIZED THAT WALDO WEATHERBEE HARBORED A DEEP AND COMPLICATED FORM OF TRANSPHOBIA!  EVEN SO, HE FELL MADLY IN LOVE.  AGAINST HIS BETTER JUDGMENT, HE WAS DRAWN INTO A TORRID EXTRAMARITAL RELATIONSHIP.

JUGGY JONES WAS AN EVEN MORE UNWILLING LOVER. AT STUDIO DATES, BIG ETHEL MADE IT HER BUSINESS TO GET ACQUAINTED WITH HIM. THAT ACQUAINTANCE TURNED INTO SOMETHING HE DIDN’T EXPECT!  DEANIE GRUNDY WITNESSED ETHEL REACHING BETWEEN JUGGY'S LEGS AND SQUEEZING HIS CROTCH! “THE POOR BOY WAS TOO SHOCKED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO,” SHE RECALLED. LATER ON, ETHEL STARTED BACKING HIM INTO CORNERS AND DEMANDING THAT HE MEET HER SOMEWHERE LATER.

JUST LIKE HER MOBSTER HUSBAND, SHE WAS ACCUSTOMED TO GETTING WHAT SHE WANTED! THERE WAS NO PHYSICAL ATTRACTION ON JUGGY’S PART, BUT HE WAS AFRAID OF JEOPARDIZING THE ARCHIES’ RECORD DEAL. BIG ETHEL MADE IT CLEAR THAT COULD HAPPEN IF HE DIDN’T "PUT OUT"! OF COURSE, JUG WAS ALSO TERRIFIED OF DUKE MASON FINDING OUT. ARCHIE THOUGHT HIS PREDICAMENT WAS AMUSING, BUT THERE WAS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT. JUGGY STRUGGLED TO BREAK FREE FROM A VERY DANGEROUS LIAISON!

IN THE MIDST OF ALL THIS SEXUAL INTRIGUE, DUKE MASON AND NICHOLAS FREUND INKED A DEAL WITH AN ANIMATION COMPANY. FILMATION STUDIOS WOULD BRING THE ARCHIES TO SATURDAY MORNING TELEVISION!  FREUND GAVE DEANIE THE DETAILS: "'THE ARCHIE SHOW' WILL FEATURE A TEENAGE VERSION THE ARCHIES AND DEPICT THEIR ANTICS IN HIGH SCHOOL. BOTH YOU AND WALDO WEATHERBEE ARE CHARACTERS IN THE SHOW: HE’S A SCHOOL PRINCIPAL AND YOU’RE A SCHOOLTEACHER! LIVE-ACTION CONCERT SEGMENTS WILL PROMOTE WHATEVER SINGLE IS ON SALE.”

WELL, THAT’S HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!  HOWEVER, WHEN THE SHOW DEBUTED ON THE WTF NETWORK’S FALL SCHEDULE, THE ARCHIES WERE DUMBFOUNDED. FILMATION HAD BALKED AT THE IDEA OF MIXED-RACE CARTOON CHARACTERS, SO THEY WERE PORTRAYED AS WHITE TEENAGERS. WHEN ARCHIE SAW A PREVIEW OF THE SERIES, HE HIT THE ROOF! “THAT ISN’T US!” HE TOLD DEANIE. “ARCHIE IS A FUCKING REDHEADED CLOWN, AND WITH FRECKLES NO LESS!”  THAT CARTOON SERIES NEVER AIRED IN THE UNITED KINGDOM.  IN FACT, I NEVER SAW IT; BUT IT WAS A SORE POINT WITH THE ARCHIES FOR AS LONG AS IT STAYED ON THE AIR. 

I HEARD THEM GRIPING ABOUT IT WHEN I RECORDED THEM AT ABBEY ROAD STUDIOS. BETTY COMPLAINED THAT SHE WAS PORTRAYED AS “A TEENAGE BLONDE BIMBO”. VERONICA THOUGHT FILMATION MADE HER CHARACTER INTO “A SECOND-RATE SCARLETT O’HARA!” ON THE OTHER HAND, JUGGY AND REGGIE THOUGHT THEIR DEPICTIONS AS A HAMBURGER-MUNCHING GOOFBALL AND A TEENAGE VILLAIN WERE FUNNY.  REGGIE BRAGGED THAT HIS CHARACTER DROVE THE PLOT MOST OF THE TIME!

BUT NONE OF THEM LIKED HOW THE CARTOON VERSION OF THE ARCHIES, IN DEANIE GRUNDY’S WORDS, “HAD ALL THE COLOR DRAINED OUT OF IT!”  GRANTED, IT WAS A GOOD PROMOTION TOOL: THE GROUP’S RECORDS WERE HEARD ON BOTH RADIO AND TV, AND THEY WEREN’T OBLIGED TO TOUR CONSTANTLY LIKE OTHER BANDS. AND OF COURSE, THE LIVE-IN-CONCERT SEQUENCES SHOWED THE ARCHIES AS THEY REALLY WERE. 

 THE PROBLEM WAS, WTF NETWORK AFFILIATES IN THE SOUTHERN UNITED STATES HAD THE OPTION OF EDITING OUT THOSE SEQUENCES. THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THEY DID!  ADDING INSULT TO INJURY, THERE WERE WHITE MODELS PICTURED ON ARCHIES RECORD SLEEVES; EVIDENTLY, DUKE MASON THOUGHT THE RECORDS WOULD SELL BETTER THAT WAY.  SO A SIZABLE NUMBER OF PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE BAND REALLY LOOKED LIKE; AND THOSE WHO FOUND OUT COULD REACT IN UNPREDICTABLE WAYS!

DEANIE SAID THAT THE CONCERT CLIP FOR THEIR FIRST HIT, “BANG-SHANG-A-LANG” WAS SHOT IN LATE NOVEMBER OF 1968. IT TRIGGERED CONFUSION ABOUT THE ARCHIES’ RACIAL COMPOSITION. SOME PROGRAMMERS RESISTED PLAYING THE SINGLE. THEY WANTED TO KNOW: “IS THIS GROUP BLACK OR WHITE?  IS THE MUSIC ROCK, LATIN OR SOUL?” THERE WERE EVEN SOME BOYCOTTS!  

DESPITE POCKETS OF RADIO RESISTANCE, “BANG-SHANG-A-LANG” BEGAN A STEADY CLIMB UP THE CHARTS. ONE DAY, WALDO WEATHERBEE'S SOUND MAN ZACHARY THAXTON STOPPED A RECORDING SESSION MIDWAY.  HE HIT THE INTERCOM BUTTON AND ANNOUNCED: "I JUST GOT A CALL FROM WALDO.  THE ARCHIES HAVE GONE TOP FORTY! CONGRATULATIONS!” EVERYBODY IN THE STUDIO, INCLUDING DEANIE, STARTED CLAPPING AND CHEERING!

IF I SOMETIMES SOUND LIKE I WAS THERE MYSELF, IT’S ONLY BECAUSE GERALDINE GRUNDY WAS SO VIVID IN HER DESCRIPTIONS. DEANIE MAY HAVE BEEN AN UNREPENTANT GOSSIP, BUT SHE WAS AN EXCELLENT STORYTELLER. THE AMOUNT OF DETAIL IN HER RECOLLECTIONS WAS JUST AMAZING!

ARCHIE WANTED TO KNOW WHEN THEY’D START CUTTING AN ALBUM. DUKE MASON SENT WORD THAT NONE WAS SCHEDULED. NICHOLAS FREUND CALLED A GROUP MEETING TO EXPLAIN WHY, AND DEANIE WAS THERE. “RIGHT NOW, BIG MOOSE SEES THE ARCHIES AS A SINGLES ACT,” HE TOLD THEM. “BESIDES, WHO NEEDS TO SELL AN LP WHEN YOUR SONGS ARE BEING TELECAST? MANY MORE PEOPLE WATCH TV THAN BUY RECORD ALBUMS.” 

IN THE ABSENCE OF AN ALBUM, FREUND PROMISED THEY’D MAKE LOTS OF MONEY PLAYING CONCERTS. THE GROUP WAS SKEPTICAL, THOUGH, AND WITH GOOD REASON! SINCE THEY NO LONGER PLAYED JAZZ FUSION, THE ARCHIES HAD ENDED THEIR RESIDENCY AT POP TATE’S JAZZ CLUB. THEIR MANAGER WAS ABOUT TO LEARN HOW HARD IT WAS TO BOOK A “MIXED RACE” ROCK BAND! ONE VENUE AFTER ANOTHER TURNED HIM DOWN.

Playlist:
ARCHIES EP "BOYS AND GIRLS"

IT SOON BECAME CLEAR THAT THEY NEEDED A PERFORMANCE SPACE OF THEIR OWN. JUGGY WAS THE ONE WHO SECURED IT. HIS SISTER JELLI AND BROTHER-IN-LAW BOO TORRES WERE RESTAURATEURS. TORRES WAS ALSO A MUSICIAN, AND HE WANTED TO OPEN A CLUB WHERE HIS LATIN BAND COULD PLAY. THE COUPLE PLANNED TO OPEN ONE IN ROXBURY; CLUB BOOGALOO WOULD BE A COMBINATION EATERY AND LATIN DISCOTHEQUE. THEY ASKED JUGGY TO BECOME A PARTNER IN THE VENTURE.

JUG ASKED NICHOLAS FREUND WHAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT THE OFFER. FREUND NOT ONLY ENCOURAGED THE PARTNERSHIP, HE MADE IT HIS BUSINESS TO GET INVOLVED!  HE MET WITH THE TORRES AND URGED THEM TO MAKE THE ARCHIES THEIR MAIN ATTRACTION.  JELLI JONES-TORRES THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT IDEA: THE CARTOON SERIES WAS MAKING THE GROUP FAMOUS, AND “BANG-SHANG-A-LANG” WAS ON THE CHARTS. SHE AGREED WITH FREUND THAT THEIR NAME WOULD DRAW PEOPLE TO THE CLUB. 

 HOWEVER, HER HUSBAND WASN’T RECEPTIVE. HE INSISTED THAT HIS BAND, COQUITO, BE THE HEADLINER. BOO TORRES THOUGHT THE CARTOON TIE-IN WAS TACKY, AND HE DIDN'T LIKE IT THAT THE ARCHIES WERE DEPICTED AS A WHITE GROUP.  HE TOLD JUGGY HE DIDN'T WANT "A BUNCH OF ANGLO WANNABES” ON HIS STAGE!  THAT INSULT LED TO A HUGE ARGUMENT BETWEEN THEM.  MRS. TORRES CALMED EVERYONE DOWN AND EVENTUALLY CONVINCED HER HUSBAND TO AUDITION THE ARCHIES. 

 DEANIE GRUNDY RAN THE AUDITION REHEARSALS. IT WAS A TENSE, DO-OR-DIE SITUATION, BECAUSE THE BAND REALLY NEEDED THIS GIG!  THEY HADN’T APPEARED LIVE ANYWHERE IN WEEKS. BETTY ARRANGED FOR THEM TO AUDITION EARLY ONE MORNING AT THE HILLBILLY RANCH. REMEMBER?  THAT WAS THE COUNTRY MUSIC SHOWCASE IN BOSTON WHERE SHE USED TO SING.  

CHUCK CLAYTON WAS THERE TO PLAY RHYTHM GUITAR, AND DEANIE WAS READY TO LEND A HAND ON KEYBOARDS; BUT BOO TORRES SAID "NO WAY!"  HE INSISTED THAT THERE BE NO SIDEMEN, AND HE TAUNTED THE GROUP: “LIVE AND IN-PERSON, I BET YOU SOUND LIKE SHIT!  WHAT'S A MATTER, ARE YOU AFRAID OF ME FINDING OUT?  TOUGH TETAS!”

BUT THE ARCHIES WERE UP TO HIS CHALLENGE. THEY KICKED OFF THEIR AUDITION WITH “YOU MAKE ME WANNA DANCE”, A NEW SONG THEY’D JUST CUT FOR RIVERDALE RECORDS. DEANIE DESCRIBED HOW JUGGY’S DRUM LOCKED INTO A PERFECT BOOGALOO RHYTHM, AND REGGIE'S BASS WAS TOTALLY IN THE GROOVE!  VERONICA BORE DOWN ON HER KEYBOARD AND BETTY ROCKED THE WATUSI AS SHE PLAYED GOSPEL-STYLE TAMBOURINE. THE GROUP PLAYED FOUR SONGS IN ALL, INCLUDING “BANG-SHANG-A-LANG”.  DEANIE SAID THEY ABSOLUTELY KILLED IT!

STILL, BOO TORRES RESISTED. HIS WIFE WAS SCREAMING AT HIM: “WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU? THIS BAND IS BOSS!” BUT HE WOULDN’T BUDGE . . . NOT UNTIL NICHOLAS FREUND MET WITH HIM PRIVATELY.  LATER ON, DEANIE LEARNED WHAT WENT DOWN BETWEEN THEM!  

MR. TORRES WAS A CLOSET BISEXUAL. HE’D HEARD RUMORS ABOUT "BIG NIPSY" FREUND, AND HE WONDERED IF THAT NICKNAME WAS JUSTIFIED. JUST LIKE BETTY COOPER, HE FOUND OUT THAT IT WAS.  TORRES STARTED HAVING LOTS OF "BUSINESS LUNCHES" WITH FREUND, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  OH, DON'T BE SO NAIVE, MacKENZIE!  YOU'VE BEEN AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW COMMONPLACE MIXING BUSINESS WITH PLEASURE IS.  DEALS CAN BE STRUCK STANDING UP, LAYING DOWN OR KNEELING DOWN.  WHICH ISN'T TO SAY I'VE EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT!   

SO BOO TORRES’ RETICENCE TO BOOK THE ARCHIES MELTED AWAY.  STILL, HE AND HIS WIFE COULDN’T AFFORD WHAT THEY WANTED IN PERSONAL APPEARANCE FEES.  ON NICHOLAS FREUND'S ADVICE, THE BAND AGREED TO PLAY THE CLUB FOR A LOWER RATE OF PAY.  THEY WERE RELIEVED TO FINALLY HAVE A REGULAR OUTLET FOR CONCERTS, AND THEY'D MAKE THE MOST OF THE OPPORTUNITY.

JUST BEFORE STARTING THEIR RESIDENCY AT CLUB BOOGALOO, THE ARCHIES PLAYED THEIR FIRST ROCK CONCERT IN BOSTON.  IT TOOK PLACE AT THE PSYCHEDELIC SUPERMARKET IN KENMORE SQUARE. AFTER THE SHOW, BETTY AND VERONICA WENT TO DUNKIN’ DONUTS FOR A LATE ICED COFFEE. A TRAVELING EVANGELIST NAMED JASON BLOSSOM INTRODUCED HIMSELF.  HE STARTED TALKING BIBLE SCRIPTURE, BUT THE LOOKS HE GAVE RONI WERE MORE OF A SECULAR NATURE!  

BETTY TOOK AN IMMEDIATE DISLIKE TO HIM! “DUDE CALLS HIMSELF ‘BROTHER BLOSSOM’,” SHE TOLD DEANIE. “HE'S JUST ANOTHER TWO-BIT ELMER GANTRY, LEADING GULLIBLE FOLKS DOWN THE GARDEN PATH. AND THAT’S WHAT HE'S DOING TO RONI!”  

THE AIRLINE HEIRESS WAS INTRIGUED BY THIS SMOOTH-TALKING PREACHER. IN FACT, SHE WAS INVOLVED IN A WHIRLWIND COURTSHIP WITH BROTHER BLOSSOM AT THE TIME I MET HER; HE'D PHONE HER LONG-DISTANCE, SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. ARCHIE WAS PLAYING THE FIELD WITH SEVERAL BRITISH GROUPIES, BUT BELIEVE ME, HE WAS HEARTBROKEN!  I COULD TELL HOW CRAZY HE WAS ABOUT VERONICA.

BUT YOU ASKED ME ABOUT THE SESSIONS I PRODUCED?  I HAVE FOND MEMORIES OF WORKING WITH THE ARCHIES. WE HAD A GREAT TIME MAKING THAT TV SOUNDTRACK!  RONI COULD BE DIFFICULT, BUT THE REST OF THE BAND WAS EASY AND FUN TO MAKE MUSIC WITH.  I ALSO HAD MAC AND KATIE KISSOON, RITA PAVONE, LONG JOHN BALDRY, HELEN SHAPIRO, KYU SAKAMOTO AND GENE PITNEY IN THE STUDIO, THOUGH NOT ALL AT THE SAME TIME.  THE ARCHIES RECORDED THEIR OWN PARTS, AND WHEN THEIR GUEST STARS CUT THEIR TRACKS, THEY SANG AND PLAYED ON THOSE, TOO. 

AFTER THEY LEFT THE UK, DEANIE GRUNDY AND I KEPT IN TOUCH.  SHE TOLD ME THAT BETTY WAS RECEIVING THREATENING PHONE CALLS AND MESSAGES!  THEY ESCALATED DURING THE TIME THE ARCHIES MADE THEIR DEBUT AT CLUB BOOGALOO. I GUESS FAME JUST NATURALLY BRINGS CRAZIES OUT OF THE WOODWORK!

RIGHT FROM THE START, THE ARCHIES DREW MAJOR CROWDS TO THE CLUB. DEANIE SAID BOO TORRES WAS BESIDE HIMSELF WITH JEALOUSY! HIS BAND MAY HAVE BEEN THE MAIN ATTRACTION, BUT THAT WAS IN NAME ONLY. MR. TORRES FORBAD THE ARCHIES TO SING IN SPANISH, PROBABLY HOPING THAT THEIR ENGLISH-LANGUAGE SONGS WOULD TURN OFF HIS MOSTLY HISPANIC PATRONS.  THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!

THEY ALWAYS HAD GREAT MATERIAL GOING FOR THEM, AND NEVER DID THEY EVER PERFORM SONG COVERS. BY EDICT OF DUKE MASON, THE ARCHIES ONLY SANG ORIGINAL NUMBERS!  MOST OF THEM WERE WRITTEN BY JEFF BARRY AND ANDY KIM, LIKE “FEELIN’ SO GOOD”, THEIR HARD-ROCKING FOLLOW-UP TO “BANG-SHANG-A-LANG”. IT WAS A GREAT DANCE TUNE THAT PACKED THE FLOOR! 

THE CONCERT VIDEO FOR “FEELIN’ SO GOOD” WAS SHOT IN MARCH OF 1969. DEANIE WAS ON THE SET AND WROTE ME ABOUT IT. THAT VIDEO BEGAN AIRING IN EARLY SUMMER, BUT CARTOON TELECASTS WERE PRE-EMPTED BY COVERAGE OF THE APOLLO ASTRONAUTS' MOON LANDING! WITH NEGLIGIBLE AIRPLAY FOR BOTH SONG AND VIDEO, FEW PEOPLE HEARD “FEELIN’ SO GOOD”.  THAT SINGLE DIDN’T DO SO WELL NATIONALLY, BUT IT SCORED A SOLID SMASH IN NEW ENGLAND. 

ONE PERSON WHO DID HEAR IT WAS POP SINGER CASS ELLIOT.  SHE WAS NAME-CHECKED IN JEFF BARRY’S HIPSTER LYRICS: SUNDAY AFTER MASS/PICNIC IN THE GRASS/DIGGIN' MAMA CASS.*  ELLIOT BECAME AN AVID ARCHIES FAN AND GOT TO KNOW ARCHIE QUITE WELL. I’LL TELL YOU MORE ABOUT THAT LATER; BUT HERE’S WHAT DEANIE SAID HAPPENED TO BETTY!

SHE'D SHRUGGED OFF THOSE DEATH THREATS, FIGURING THEY WERE JUST A PRANK. THEN ONE MORNING AFTER BAND REHEARSAL, BETTY TOOK JUGGY’S DACHSHUNDS, HOT DOG AND CHILI DOG, OUT FOR A RIDE IN HER CAR. WHILE SHE WAS OUT, SHE DECIDED TO SWING BY VERONICA’S APARTMENT; RONI WAS FEELING UNDER THE WEATHER THAT DAY AND DIDN’T ATTEND REHEARSAL.

SHE LIVED IN A SWANKY APARTMENT UP ON BEACON HILL.  GETTING OUT OF HER CAR IN FRONT OF THE BUILDING, BETTY WAS CONFRONTED BY HER STALKER: A DERANGED WOMAN WITH UNRULY RED HAIR!  SHE CALLED BETTY A "HALF-BREED BITCH" AND THEN ACCUSED HER OF CHASING HER BOYFRIEND. 

SUDDENLY, THE WOMAN PULLED A GUN! BETTY SCREAMED AND DROPPED HER DOG LEASHES. THE SECOND SHE DID, HOT DOG AND CHILI DOG SPRANG INTO ACTION! THEY TACKLED THE REDHEAD, KNOCKED THE GUN FROM HER HAND AND RESTRAINED HER BY SITTING ON HER THROAT AND STOMACH.  VERONICA’S DOORMAN RAN OUTSIDE TO INVESTIGATE, ONLY TO FIND THAT THE SITUATION WAS WELL IN HAND!  

SOMEBODY CALLED THE POLICE AND THE MENTALLY-DISTURBED LADY WAS LED AWAY IN HANDCUFFS. THE INCIDENT WAS WITNESSED BY RONI'S NEIGHBORS, AND THEY WASTED NO TIME DIALING UP THE EVENING NEWS.  BETTY AND HER CANINE SAVIORS WERE THE TALK OF BOSTON!  THE NEXT MORNING, THEIR PICTURES BLANKETED THE FRONT PAGES OF EVERY EAST COAST TABLOID. ALL THE STORIES MENTIONED THE ARCHIES, SO NICHOLAS FREUND WAS OVERJOYED. THE ONLY THING HE LIKED MORE THAN PUBLICITY FOR HIS CLIENTS WAS FREE PUBLICITY!

ALL THE TIME LAURA PINTO WAS TALKING, I WAS INTERRUPTING HER TO VOICE MY SKEPTICISM. HOW COULD WHAT SHE WAS SAYING BE LA VERDAD? EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT THE ARCHIES; THEY’RE A NATIONAL INSTITUTION! AND THEY'RE WHITE!  I DEMANDED PROOF THAT THIS MIXED-RACE VERSION OF THE BAND EVER EXISTED. 

NOW, IT’S NEVER GOOD PRACTICE TO OPENLY DOUBT WHAT YOUR BOSS IS TELLING YOU . . . I COULD TELL MI JEFA WAS GETTING PISSED! I SHOULD HAVE CHANGED THE SUBJECT, BUT BY THEN I WAS COMPLETELY FASCINATED. I HAD TO HEAR MORE OF THIS WILD STORY, BUT THEN . . . ¡COÑO!  MY FUCKING TELEPHONE RANG!

*Lyrics to "Feelin' So Good" 
copyright Kirshner/CBS/Steeplechase Music (BMI) 

CLICK BELOW FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER
“THE FREAKING OUT OF GERALDINE GRUNDY” 
CONTINUES WITH PART THREE:
ARCHIE AND JUGGY ARE WICKED 
HORNY BASTARDS IN . . .
MISS GRUNDY (IF YOU'RE NASTY!)