Mama Can't Buy You Love Synopsis
IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND THE CONTEXT
OF OUR FORTHCOMING FEATURE,
"THE FREAKING OUT OF GERALDINE GRUNDY"
FAMILIARITY WITH ONE OF OUR PREVIOUS GRAPHIC NOVELS IS STRONGLY RECOMMENDED! HERE IS A SUMMARY OF "MAMA CAN'T BUY YOU LOVE", THE CARTOON NARRATIVE THAT INTRODUCED THE WORLD TO . . .
THE NEW
A R C H I E S !
THE NEW ARCHIES PROMOTE THEIR
2038 DÉBUT ALBUM, PRODUCED
BY SABRINA
WTF ARE THE NEW ARCHIES???
Everybody knows about Archie, Betty, Jughead, Veronica and Reggie, beloved comic strip teenagers who've been entertaining kids since the years of the Second World War. Most people know that these characters formed a make-believe Rock 'n' Roll band in the late 1960s, that they featured in a wildly successful Saturday morning TV show, and that a real-life Archies studio group went on to amass a song catalog. That catalog, sung by Ron Dante and written and produced by Jeff Barry, yielded "Sugar, Sugar", an international Number One single in 1969.
PRODUCERS OF A LONG-LOST
ALBUM BY THE ARCHIES
However, very few people know about the cartoon group that will succeed The Archies a little more than a decade from now. Who are these Pop Art creations? What's their connection to the original group? And what crucial role will Bree Spellman (formerly known as Sabrina, the Teenage Witch) play in their formation? All is revealed in this capsule version of our New Archies saga.
FUTURE MEMBERS OF THE NEW ARCHIES
CUT THE SOUNDTRACK FOR SAY
GOODBYE TO RIVERDALE, A
2037 ARCHIES BIOPIC
After writing and illustrating a six-part online graphic novel called "Say Goodbye To Riverdale" which depicted The Archies as an adult Rock 'n' Roll band, Hampton Jacobs (aka Stuffed Animal) decided to extend his storyline past the group's farewell concert in the year 2032. By then, Sabrina "Bree" Spellman is a successful record producer based in Boston, Massachusetts. Archie and his wife Veronica approach Bree in 2037 and ask her to put together a new Archies group "to carry forward our musical legacy." With help from her amazingly gifted animal friends, Salem the Cat and Nero the Dog, she auditions and chooses the six founding members of The New Archies.
PROMO FOR THE NEW ARCHIES'
FIRST HIT ALBUM FROM
2039, TIGHTER!
Stuffed Animal wanted The New Archies to be as different from The Archies as he could make them! They are definitely not a Bubblegum Rock band, although they do record a hit album in that style. Except for one member, they are not White. Half of them are Gay, and one member is Transsexual; what's more, all of them are adults when the band is formed.
Yet, four of them have connections to the original group: As a teenager, singer and percussionist Mal Hypster sang background vocals on one of Archie's solo albums! Also as a teenager, keyboardist Rikki Ninja was mentored by Reggie "Gino" Mantle. Singer and bass player Donna Dante is the long-lost daughter of Ron Dante, vocal coach for The Archies and later their producer; and singer/guitarist Garcy Briseño is the daughter of Archie's high school buddy Dilton Doiley (Garcy also sang background vocals on The Archies' final studio album). Rounding out the band are saxophone player Toby Maxx from Sweden, and session drummer Frankie Fujiyama, a native Hawaiian. All but Toby and Dee Dee (Donna Dante) are seasoned session musicians who've worked with Bree Spellman before.
Yet, four of them have connections to the original group: As a teenager, singer and percussionist Mal Hypster sang background vocals on one of Archie's solo albums! Also as a teenager, keyboardist Rikki Ninja was mentored by Reggie "Gino" Mantle. Singer and bass player Donna Dante is the long-lost daughter of Ron Dante, vocal coach for The Archies and later their producer; and singer/guitarist Garcy Briseño is the daughter of Archie's high school buddy Dilton Doiley (Garcy also sang background vocals on The Archies' final studio album). Rounding out the band are saxophone player Toby Maxx from Sweden, and session drummer Frankie Fujiyama, a native Hawaiian. All but Toby and Dee Dee (Donna Dante) are seasoned session musicians who've worked with Bree Spellman before.
PROMO FOR THE SECOND HIT ALBUM
BY THE NEW ARCHIES, 2039'S
MESSAGE TO MARTHA
The New Archies' graphic novel is called Mama Can't Buy You Love after their first hit record; the title also references Bree Spellman's maternal relationship to the members. As was the case with the adult Archies, relationship dynamics drive the story: Garcy is as conceited as they come! Chi (that's Mal Hypster) is a sex addict! Ninja is a control freak. Toto (Toby Maxx) suffers from alcoholism. Dee Dee and Fuji (Frankie Fujiyama) have a stormy love affair, and so do Chi and Toto. Unlucky in love, Ninja hops in and out of bed with both Dee Dee and Garcy!
Bree has a heavy-handed production style that doesn't sit well with the band members, but she isn't the "bitch" of the narrative. That role belongs to evil-ass Carmen Serna, a salsa-singing sorceress who gets rejected at the New Archies audition! Carmen craves revenge and uses voodoo to sabotage the band. Babe hexes their first few music streams, and they fail to sell!
THE NEW ARCHIES RECORD THEIR
THIRD CONSECUTIVE HIT ALBUM,
2040'S FAMILY OF MAN
But their kind of star power can't be suppressed for long. After dazzling attendees at the first Riverdale Rock Festival in 2039, the Boston-based sextet scores several best-selling singles and four million-selling albums in a row! In addition, they star in Don't Touch My Guitar, a hit Broadway musical written by Betty Cooper that's the hottest ticket of the year 2040!
2041 PROMO FOR BUBBLEGUM
BLITZ, THE MOST SUCCESSFUL
NEW ARCHIES ALBUM
OF ALL
Yet that same year, personality conflicts and personal ambitions begin disintegrating The New Archies. Fuji quits to pursue an acting career, and Dee Dee quits after losing Fuji to Carmen Serna; then Garcy decides to go solo. The remaining members call it quits in 2042 after performing at the funeral of Reggie Mantle; but the story isn't over yet!
2047 PROMO FOR THE SMASH HIT
NEW ARCHIES COMPILATION
DOUBLE SCOOP
A smash hit compilation of The New Archies' 2038-40 work with Bree Spellman, along with a triumphant return to the Riverdale Rockfest in 2047 prompts a decision to reform the band. Punk Rock guitarist extraordinaire Lana Suzuki replaces Garcy, Ninja moves into Garcy's lead vocalist spot, and Chi takes over Fuji's drum kit. With Bree's blessing, Toto and Ninja take over production duties, and the group's recording hub shifts from her Witch Queen Studios in Boston to Toby Maxx's new home studio, The Mad Groovy Pad! It's located "across the bridge" in Cambridge, MA. A chart-topping single and two critically-acclaimed albums (one of them a TV soundtrack) are cut by this five-person ensemble; but overall, the reformed New Archies fail to duplicate their previous success.
PETULANCE, THE ENGLISH VERSION
OF A 2048 NEW ARCHIES ALBUM
ALSO RECORDED IN FRENCH
Chi and Toto go through an acrimonious breakup, and Dee Dee quits again after the group's TV series flops; she follows Fuji into the acting profession. Then Susu (Lana Suzuki) stops touring due to family issues, henceforth taking an enhanced role in the studio. With help from Bree Spellman's filthy rich cousin Sir Ambrose Nixon, the group's male members stage the most successful concert tour of the year 2051; this tour pushes their penultimate studio album to the top of the charts!
THE NEW ARCHIES' FINEST BALLAD
RECORDINGS ARE ASSEMBLED
FOR THE 2050 COMPILATION
LIGHT OF DAY
However, The New Archies have seen the writing on the wall; they disband for good in early 2053! Chi and Ninja go on to cut solo albums, and along with Toto (increasingly sidelined by his drinking problem), they back Donna Dante on her solo debut in 2054. At her album sessions, Dee Dee meets and later marries multi-instrumentalist Ramsay Khalid Sharma; Ram is an old friend of producer Lana Suzuki, and she hires him to arrange and conduct the music.
THE 2049 MONKEES TRIBUTE FOR PETE'S
SAKE IS THE NEW ARCHIES' MOST
CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED
ALBUM
In 2057, the 20th anniversary of their founding, the members of The New Archies decide to cut a proper farewell album. Frankie Fujiyama declines to take part, but Garcy Briseño returns to sing lead on four tracks. The sessions, held in Boston at Witch Queen Studios and in Memphis at Sun Studios, are followed by Chi and Toto's belated wedding in Tel Aviv. A crazed Carmen Serna (who tried to kill Bree Spellman and Donna Dante back in the year 2050) makes a murderous attack on the wedding party, but she's foiled by Bree's superior magic powers!
2051'S KITSCHANNETTE IS THE MOST REVILED
NEW ARCHIES ALBUM, BUT ALSO ONE
2051'S KITSCHANNETTE IS THE MOST REVILED
NEW ARCHIES ALBUM, BUT ALSO ONE
OF THEIR MOST POPULAR
RELEASES
The farewell album goes Platinum, a final New Archies single tops the charts, and Ramsay Khalid Sharma joins the band in time to play its farewell concert at Boston's Hatch Band Shell. Garcy Briseño declines to appear, but sends best wishes. Frankie Fujiyama is also absent; influenced by the villainous Deacon Diamond, he'll later convert to fundamentalist religion and turn against his former bandmates! Sabrina (now Witch Queen of the Universal Coven) is in attendance, and a reformed Carmen Serna takes part as special guest star. Ninety-seven-year-old Archie Andrews is also on hand to trade awesome guitar licks with Lana Suzuki!
The farewell album goes Platinum, a final New Archies single tops the charts, and Ramsay Khalid Sharma joins the band in time to play its farewell concert at Boston's Hatch Band Shell. Garcy Briseño declines to appear, but sends best wishes. Frankie Fujiyama is also absent; influenced by the villainous Deacon Diamond, he'll later convert to fundamentalist religion and turn against his former bandmates! Sabrina (now Witch Queen of the Universal Coven) is in attendance, and a reformed Carmen Serna takes part as special guest star. Ninety-seven-year-old Archie Andrews is also on hand to trade awesome guitar licks with Lana Suzuki!
NEW ARCHIES IS A DEFINITIVE
TRIBUTE TO THE MUSIC OF
NEIL DIAMOND
The New Archies narrative ends on a happily-ever-after note until the 2070s, when we learn that all the members of the original Archies as well as Toby Maxx have passed on. However, this time period is marked by a surge of public interest in both The Archies and their successors; a nostalgia craze, dubbed Archie-f*cking-MANIA! by the entertainment media, cements their twin legends for all-time. But has the story truly ended? Is Toby Maxx really dead? Who is Don Señorito Cartoon, and what is his connection to The New Archies? These questions will no doubt be answered in future cartoon narratives posted here at Blogger's Pop Culture Cantina.
2058'S JAMZ ON THE HATCH SHELL CAPTURES THE NEW ARCHIES
LIVE-IN-CONCERT AT THEIR FAREWELL PERFORMANCE IN BOSTON
The New Archies are the antidote to a crisis in creativity that overtook Archie Comics in the last decade. While the hit show "Riverdale" may have taken TV by storm, the Archie comic series has lost its way! Introducing great new characters like Toni Topaz, Kevin Keller, his future husband Clay Walker and Valerie Smith's brother Trevor was a step in the right direction; but this promising start quickly stalled.
Now the newspaper strip has been abandoned; recycled strips from years past are all you'll find online. The print books are all but devoid of continuity; a new group of young, fresh and undeniably talented writers and artists are creating content, but the editorial approach is scattershot and unfocused: Revealing the future marriage of Archie to Veronica (and then to Betty, and then to Valerie from Josie + The Pussy Cats! Dude still can't seem to make up his mind); revamping Josie's strip the right way, but then abandoning it again; depicting Betty and Veronica as tough-slut motorcycle mamas; experimenting with the graphic horror genre; having the Archies meet Pop music celebrities; entangling Archie and Sabrina in a love affair, and so on. All limited-edition serials . . . lots of bridesmaids but never any brides! What's really happening to these characters? And will they ever be allowed to grow the fuck up?
Now the newspaper strip has been abandoned; recycled strips from years past are all you'll find online. The print books are all but devoid of continuity; a new group of young, fresh and undeniably talented writers and artists are creating content, but the editorial approach is scattershot and unfocused: Revealing the future marriage of Archie to Veronica (and then to Betty, and then to Valerie from Josie + The Pussy Cats! Dude still can't seem to make up his mind); revamping Josie's strip the right way, but then abandoning it again; depicting Betty and Veronica as tough-slut motorcycle mamas; experimenting with the graphic horror genre; having the Archies meet Pop music celebrities; entangling Archie and Sabrina in a love affair, and so on. All limited-edition serials . . . lots of bridesmaids but never any brides! What's really happening to these characters? And will they ever be allowed to grow the fuck up?
PROMO FOR THE BEST-SELLING
NEW ARCHIES COMPILATION
HIT KIT, TO BE RELEASED
IN 2091
The New Archies, a Pop-Art-Chie creation, symbolize where Archie Comics might go if its editorial staff had any courage. An arrogant statement? Maybe so. But isn't it 'way past time for Archie, Betty, Veronica, Jughead and Reggie to have grown up, pursued careers, married and raised children? Isn't it 'way past time for Sabrina to leave teenage witchery behind and emerge as a kick-ass sorceress? Isn't it 'way past time for The Archies to spawn a successor group that reflects the racial, sex and gender diversity that the original group only hinted at? WTF? No telling how long we'll have to wait to see such developments in Archie Comics magazines; but here at Blogger's Pop Culture Cantina, you don't have to wait. We didn't start the fire, but we've got lots of kerosene and we're not afraid to use it!
Click here to Read the complete saga of
Then get ready for Stuffed Animal's
first mock screenplay in cartoon form:
THE FREAKING OUT
OF GERALDINE GRUNDY!
first mock screenplay in cartoon form:
THE FREAKING OUT
OF GERALDINE GRUNDY!
Written by HAMPTON JACOBS
Illustrated by STUFFED ANIMAL
Costumes by HENRIETTA la del BARRIO
A Cartoons + Castanets Production
in six parts, now online!
Illustrated by STUFFED ANIMAL
Costumes by HENRIETTA la del BARRIO
A Cartoons + Castanets Production
in six parts, now online!
