25 January 2016

A Little Taste of Hawaiian Culture: Oedipus Ram, Act Six


A Toon Tragedy
inspired by Sophocles' Oedipus Rex
Directed, Staged and Written by
DC Hampton Jacobs
Original characters and Archie Fan Art Images
Created and Drawn by
Stuffed Animal

Hilo Herbie, the college buddy
Puddy Tat Tambo, the other college buddy
Brittany Howe, the movie director
Donna Dante, the wife
Tempestt Spangler, the drug addict
Puchi Schneider, the scumbag
Mal Hypster, the drummer
Carmen Serna, the reformed villain
Vandanna, the witch
Hillary Joon, the mistress
The White Lady
and the star
Ramsay Khalid Sharma


Ramsay Khalid Sharma, born in Bangkok in the year 2020, is a musical prodigy. He grows up to be an actor, soundtrack composer and Pop singer. By the 2060s, he's arguably the biggest Rock star on the Asian continent. Dude achieves his dominance singing love songs in the woman's lyrical persona; this novel practice brings him unprecedented devotion from female fans. Yet in the late '60s, he starts integrating male-perspective songs into his repertoire. This change broadens his appeal and sets the stage for a megahit album called GOIN' PLACES!!!  The subsequent concert tour, on which he displays superb dancing skills, is a triumph on three continents.  Ram is poised for enduring stardom; however, there are storm clouds on his horizon. By 2069, he's acquired a mistress, a cocaine habit, and a drug-dealing manager; his marriage to former Hollywood star Donna Dante is on shaky ground; and his coke-snorting lover Tempestt Spangler seems determined to make trouble for him!

When he flies to Hawaii in the spring of 2070 to begin filming his third movie, Ramsay Khalid Sharma's life is in chaos.  Livid @ his refusal to admit having an affair, his wife is on the verge of leaving him; he’s been replaced as soundtrack composer of a new Bollywood flick for failing to meet deadlines; his crack-addicted mistress reports that she’s pregnant; and just as he touches down @ Honolulu International Airport, his manager Puchi Schneider gets nabbed in a major narcotics sting! Dude is hella depressed, to say the least.


Even so, Ram is pleased to see familiar faces on the movie set: Old college buddies Hilo Herbie and Puddy Tat Tambo! They’re now professional actors, and both are cast in supporting roles. They’re also in charge of producing the movie soundtrack, having formed a successful music production team. Calling themselves The Cabaña Boys, they’ll record ten classic Rock oldies with Pop stars of Asian descent: Devlin Saint-James, Kix + Porgy, Drunken Luau and others. Naturally, Ram is tagged to sing the movie's theme song.

He'll later describe Bonedaddy Beach as “a harmless piece of fluff for my Gay fans.” It's the story of Kyle Makuakane, a Native Hawaiian Gay man of the 1970s. Kyle loses his virginity, pursues several affairs and finally falls in love while working as a lifeguard @ Waikiki Beach. The Rad Asian Manchild will have chosen this project to distance himself from the BDSM themes of his previous films. However, fans who expect gratuitous nudity and sex scenes from him aren’t disappointed: Bonedaddy is arguably his most sexually provocative role!


Previously, Ram will have treated his co-stars with courtesy and respect, but that changes on the Bonedaddy set.  Crass behavior is the norm for him now!  A case in point: What happens when an actor playing one of Kyle's early lovers drops out of the film and his role is recast.  The time comes to film the sex scene.  The replacement actor dutifully drops trou and waits for Ram to do the same.  Rudely pointing @ the man's small endowment, the star erupts in cruel laughter!

Incredulous @ his outburst, director Brittany Howe barks:  "What's so damn funny?"  "Well," her lead actor snickers, "it's not exactly the D*ck of Death, is it?"  Brittany rolls her eyes.  "WTF difference does that make?" she demands.  "We're not makin' a porno here!"  "No", Ram concedes, "but that's how Kyle Makuakane would react."  Still a stickler for character development, he explains:  "Young Gay men are always obsessed with penis size.  @ this point in Kyle's life, he's only interested in men who are hung like porn stars.  He wouldn't bother with a Thimble Theatre refugee like this guy!"


His pint-sized colleague bristles as Ram jerks a thumb in his direction.  "You'd better send Mr. Midget here back to Tiny Town!" he sneers.  "F*ck you!" the actor growls, pulling up his underwear and storming off the set.  Brittany Howe upbraids her tactless star:  "That was a totally assh*le thing to say!  And you're crazy if you think I'm gonna cast that role again."  Playing prima donna to the hilt, Ram digs in his heels: Dude refuses to film the scene if his co-star lacks a "Donkey Kong d*ck".  He doesn't get his way, but the more explicit parts of the sex scene end up being shot with a body double: The generously-endowed Hilo Herbie!

Similar incidents proliferate, making Ramsay Khalid Sharma the most hated man on the set!  That is, when he's on the set:  In Puchi’s absence, Ram spends as much time chasing down cocaine suppliers as he does filming!  On days when he fails to score, his temper tantrums and inability to remember lines delay the production. The same thing happens on days when he does score, and arrives hours late! His irresponsible behavior drives the production several thousand dollars over budget.  Thoroughly exasperated, Brittany Howe vows never to work with Ram again!

Asylum ASK-70-332
I Saw The Light (Todd Rundgren) - Puddy Tat Tambo*
No Matter What (Peter Ham) - Drunken Luau**
Sunshine, Go Away (Jonathan Edwards) - Taylor Hwang*
Heart Full Of Soul (Graham Gouldman) - Devlin Saint-James*
Grazin’ In The Grass (Elston, Hou) - Firedancer***
Little Honda (Love, Wilson) - Matty Dora*
Love Is What You Make It (Price, Walsh) - Kix + Porgy
Baby, Be Mine (Barry, Greenwich, Venet) - Ram*****
Original Sountrack Recording
Bonedaddy Beach
Music Supervision:
Brittany Howe
Vocal Arrangements by Elisha Tambo
*Arranged by Herb Shawmut
**Arranged by Drunken Luau
***Arranged by Melanie Beamer + Firedancer
****Arranged by Herb Shawmut + Ramsay Khalid Sharma
Produced by The Cabaña Boys
Sound Engineer: 
Hazelle Wu
Recorded @ Mambosonix, Honolulu

Stumbling late into a soundtrack recording session, Ram is sky-high on coke! Puddy Tat Tambo upbraids him: "Hey, dude, time is money! Stop disrupting our workflow." He blows up @ Puddy and takes a swing at him! Elisha Tambo is no ninety-pound weakling, though; the strapping athlete has no trouble restraining Ram. 

 Struggling in vain to break Puddy's wrestling hold, the actor/singer dissolves into a trembling, sobbing wreck.  Hilo Herbie announces from the control room:  "Guys, we're cancelling this session."  After getting a grip on himself, Ram hastens to apologize: "I don't know what came over me!" He ends up spending the night with his old friends, drinking hot da hong pao tea and talking heart-to-heart.

The Rad Asian Manchild is stubborn about acknowledging his drug habit: “Get real!  I’m no Charlie Sheen.” Patiently but firmly, Herb Shawmut gets Ram to come clean.  Recently recovered from heroin addiction, Herbie has been there, done that!  “And”, he adds, “I can smell self-deceiving junkie bullsh*t a mile away!”

Soundly chastened, Ram feels too embarrassed to face his wife. The Cabaña Boys phone her on his behalf. "Sure, I know who you are," she says when Puddy introduces himself. "Nipples told me about you guys years ago. What's up?" Herbie and Puddy give her a detailed account of Ram's condition.  "I knew this was coming," she sighs.  "What can I do?"  By now, the sordid details of Puchi Schneider’s arrest will have shattered Dody’s state of denial: She’s ready and willing to help her man enter drug rehab! 

“I want to go,” he confirms. “It's gotten to the point where I don’t know myself anymore.” That evening, Ram returns to Mambosonix Studios and completes his soundtrack vocals. Two days later, he checks into Hawaii Island Recovery Center for an extended stay.

The week Ram completes his residency @ HIRC, Warner Brothers Pictures releases Bonedaddy Beach. It becomes a late summer hit in Europe and Australia, pulling big numbers from Gay male and young adult female demographics. Though not as successful in the USA, Bonedaddy will be the most popular of Ram’s stateside movies.


The soundtrack music is also popular, especially his Hawaiian-flavored rendition of a forgotten Girl Group hit. Quincy Zen remixes “Baby, Be Mine” for club play, but somehow the mix never gets released. @ Brittany Howe’s request, Ram shoots a Scopie for it, anyway.  The video includes footage from her film.

For the new footage, Puddy Tat Tambo teaches Ram to hula. “You’re a natural!” Puddy raves. “Mama taught me Thai Folk and Classical dance,” the Rad Asian Manchild explains. “She gave me a strong foundation, so I’ve always been able to pick up new steps quickly.” 

Dude performs hula so authentically on film, some fans will mistakenly believe he’s a Hawaiian native. "Baby, Be Mine" will be Ram's most iconic video image, second only to his near-naked guitar hero turn in "Last Chance To Turn Around". His graceful hand movements and slow, sensuous hip gyrations launch a fad for Polynesian dances in Gaysian clubs!

Twenty-seventy-one is an even more difficult year for Ram than the previous one. First, he receives news that his mother Kharis is suffering from terminal cancer. Then from Boston comes devastating news: New Archies sax player Toby Maxx has been killed in a tragic accident!


The Sharmas attend the funeral in Sweden. Consoling Mal Hypster (Toby’s husband) and Lana Suzuki (mother of Toby’s son Laddie) in their grief, Ram and Dody appear to be a perfect couple; however, their relationship is still strained. They arrive in Stockholm on separate flights and leave the same way.

Tragedy strikes again a month later: Tempestt Spangler miscarries and loses Ram's baby! Her pediatrician is convinced that cocaine abuse was a factor, and tells her so. The loss leaves Ram all but inconsolable, and Tempie is in a state of shock. Together, they bury the dead fetus in Hollywood, where they first met.


“Maybe it’s better this way,” Tempie whispers as they stand over the grave of Ramsay Chevelle Spangler. “What kind of chance does a little girl have with a crackhead mama and papa?” Turning to her shocked lover, she sobs: “Let’s not see each other for awhile! I’ll call you when I’m ready . . . I need to be alone.” 

But that call never comes. Tempestt Spangler falls victim to severe post-partum depression, aggravated by further cocaine abuse. Less than a week later, she is found in her Miami apartment, sprawled lifeless on the toilet, wearing nothing but her garter belt and stockings.  Drug paraphernalia litters the floor; the exotic dancer will have died of a massive overdose!

Visiting Puchi Schneider in prison, Ram breaks down.  "I can't stand any more of this pain," he wails. "First I lose Chevy, and now Tempie's gone, too?" His manager feigns sympathy. Tempie will have been an extortionist like himself; but after falling in love, she becomes an unreliable partner-in-crime. Ramsay Khalid Sharma is a prime candidate for blackmail, but Tempestt Spangler will stubbornly refuse to go there. Puchi is secretly glad to be rid of her!

"Sh*t, dude, I'm gonna miss the girl, too," he lies. "Why don't you toot a line of coke in memory of her? That's what she'd want." Unbelievably, that's exactly what Ram does! His lover's suicide hurls him into a deep downward spiral; but the worst is yet to come.

From prison, Puchi begins selling the amateur porn films he made. His connections haven’t been able to spring him, and he needs money to mount a new defense. Now that T*tty Tassel Tempie isn’t around to object, he’s free to exploit Ram to the hilt!  At least two dozen videos end up in circulation, featuring Ram, Tempie and many of their crack-addict friends. There’s one-on-one sex; three-ways; group scenes; BDSM parties; kink fests and orgies of all kinds!

The nadir is an half-hour compilation dubbed The Rape Tape.  It shows the singer/actor getting “topped” by two brawny men. The sex is plenty rough, but what’s most alarming is how Ram looks strung out on drugs in every scene! Authorities will eventually trace distribution of The Rape Tape and other Puchi Schneider videos to their source; the rat bastard will be convicted of selling contraband and dealt with appropriately!


Although the subsequent notoriety pumps up sales of Ram’s albums and DVDs, the boost is  temporary.  His longtime fans are horrified! The scandal casts a pall over his promising film career, and there's renewed speculation about his sexual orientation, too. Ram is neither Gay nor Pansexual, but there’s little he won’t do to sate his desire for cocaine: Puchi will have essentially turned him into a crack whore! The Rad Asian Manchild can't remember most of the sexual encounters, and he’ll be unaware that any got filmed.

Now a radical Muslim imam based in Tehran, Saddam Sharma releases a scathing statement: "I beg forgiveness for my part in siring Ramsay!  He was a bad boy, but I never suspected the depth of his wickedness.  He has grown up to be a servant of Shaitan! 'as'al alllah 'an yadribah miatan!  May Allah strike him down!"  Saddam disowns his son and calls for jihad against “pornographers and homosexuals!” The international media can’t get enough of a story with both sex and terrorist angles! 

The embattled Sharmas hold the press @ bay as best they can. Making a public statement through their attorney, Donna Dante asserts: “My husband was exploited by a monster! That monster is now behind bars, where he belongs. Personally, I hope Puchi Schneider rots in jail . . . but we’re focused on the future now.”

Though hurt and angry, Dody stands by her man. Their marital relations are chillier than ever, though, and after his mother dies in August, Ram feels more alone than @ any other time in his life. Dude keeps a low profile in Asia through all of 2071, except for scoring another Indian film: Kama Sutra 3000 will be his final Bollywood project. He'll spend most of the year holed up in recording studios.


In July, the Sikh son of a Muslim writes arrangements for an album of Hannukah music.  He flies to Memphis for sessions @ legendary Sun Studios; Mal Hypster wants Ram's help recording The Hypsterz, his revived family vocal group. Originally, the four teenage members were Malachi, Jesse, Cassidy and baby sister Grace Hipp.  Replacing Grace in the adult group is none other than Carmen Serna, The New Archies' former arch-nemesis! She's now happily married to Chi's older brother Jesse.

Grace Hipp quit the group and morphed into Country music queen LaDiva Garland. While not officially part of The Hypsterz reunion, LaDiva grants her siblings' request to sing lead on one track. Cassidy's wife, Pop superstar Garcy Briseño takes a guest vocal turn, too. Carmen sings the lion's share of leads and does an excellent job, but Chi has the honor of closing out the album. His roof-raising rendition of "Havah Nagilah" features Ram joining in on handclappings and spirited cries of ur'achim belev sameach!

Chi and Lana Suzuki (who co-produces the sessions) are relieved to find their former colleague easier to work with than in 2069.  The Bollywood soundtrack king's Folk background serves him well in presenting Judaic music credibly: "This will be one of the most authentic-sounding Jewish song collections of the year," Carmen predicts. Her prediction is right on the money, too: A Best World Music Album Grammy Award is in The Hypsterz's future!  

Chi will dedicate their win to Toby Maxx, his recently-deceased husband, and his late Pop star father, Timothy Garland: "The only men in the world I loved more than life."  He also thanks "my good friend and former bandmate Ram Sharma.  He's of the Sikh faith, but when you listen to the wonderful arrangements he wrote, you can't help but agree:  Dude's got a Jewish soul!"

@ the same moment The Hypsterz accept their award, thousands of miles away a veiled woman observes.  She views the ceremony without benefit of Wi-Fi or a satellite link!  The lady sits alone @ a table in a Mumbai cafe, gazing intently into a glass globe.  She's a hijra, over ninety years old, but surprisingly youthful in appearance; in fact, she looks almost the same as when Ram and his mother Kharis sought her blessing decades ago.

Her magic crystal grows misty, like a room filled with incense.  Suddenly, the mist parts, and Vandanna the Witch emits a silent gasp.  Her brows draw down sharply over dark, flashing eyes and her jaw clenches.  "Mais non!" she hisses.  "Suspended over the soul of Ramsay Khalid Sharma was Islam, Sikhism and Hinduism; and now there is Judaism as well.  He has created an unholy quadrangle of divinity!  It is catastrophic, like the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse: Tragedy is unavoidable for him now."


Ram spends the final months of the year with The Cabaña Boys. They create musical arrangements for a Hawaiian-themed movie called Mahū, which Ram doesn’t appear in. @ the tracking sessions in Oahu, Hawaii, he meets a pretty young studio intern named Hillary Joon.  "It's a thrill to meet you," she gushes, slyly adjusting her tight sweater to show off a pair of firm breasts.  Ram doesn't fail to take notice! 

Hillary belongs to that breed of celebrity-obsessed individuals known as “star f*ckers”:  By the age of nineteen, her bedroom conquests include rapper Bad Boy Kong, race driver Pascual de Jesus and action movie star Sangvath Luna. Now she sets her doe eyes on Ram; he’s easily the most handsome of her obsessions!

Unfazed by the scandal attached to him, the Korean intern seems dazzled in his presence. Babe knows how to stroke a star’s ego, and she plays Ram’s like a virtuoso. He needs a soft shoulder to cry on; she provides that, and more! Long before the soundtrack sessions are done, they’re spending nights together. However, Hillary’s sympathetic company, warm p*ssy and firm hand with a cat o’ nine tails aren’t enough to keep Ram from sliding back into coke addiction!  He'll never be more devoted to a woman than he is to The White Lady.