STORMY FOSTER RETURNS: Chapter Thirteen
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CHAPTER THIRTEEN: “THE SUN AIN’T GONNA SHINE ANYMORE/HERE COMES THE NIGHT!” TIME + PLACE: YEAR UNKNOWN @ CASTLE WICCA, STONEHENGE, UNITED KINGDOM.
The elders of the Universal Coven, Sabrina’s mother Della Nightshade, her cousin Ambrose Nixon and designated witches and warlocks like Alexandra Cabot and me are now gathered inside Castle Wicca. The castle is located near the place in Wiltshire, England that mortals call Stonehenge, but it’s neither visible nor accessible to mortals.
The castle ramparts are perpetually on fire, licked by tongues of rainbow-colored flame! Yet the walls never burn, and they are older than time itself. Castle Wicca exists in an ancient dimension that predates human life. Only those recognized as true Wiccans can come here, and only the elders can grant access; even with the power she draws from Papa Legba, Maman Brigitte, Baron Samedi and other Voodoo gods, Carmen Serna can’t penetrate this mystic fortress. Our plans for her are sure to remain secret.
Before I begin, let’s clear the damn table, shall we? Escúchame bien, amigos: I’m not going to call her Tara Nation Faws. I’m not going to call her Alexandra Diamond or Cheryl Blossom or any other stolen identity Carmen may want to use. I know who the fuck we're dealing with, and I’m going to call that bitch by her name! To do anything else would be gaslighting, and Salem Da Katt don’t play that shit!
Wicca is an umbrella religion that accommodates a diversity of mystic beliefs. SanterÃa, also known as Voodoo, is an example. Chinese Wuism and the Jewish tradition of Kabbalah are others. Yet another is Kauwa, which originated in a place called Pajaro Island. There’s a Kauwani guru named Chiza who is part of the Wiccan matrix; technically, he’s what we call a sub-elder.
Chiza alerted the Universal Coven that Carmen Serna had destabilized nature’s balance of male and female. That balance is central to many Wiccan beliefs, so for the first time, her activities sparked concern on the High Council. ¡Coño! I'll be damned if I know why her repeated timeline disruptions didn’t ring alarm bells long before then? So help me, I'm going to learn the answer to that question - but now is not the right time. Carmen must be dealt with first!
The Kauwani dieties, known as Mother Penis and Father Vagina, were first to actively oppose her. They are patron saints to The Kanaka Tanga - not just Polynesian mahu, but every Lesbian, Gay and Transperson found in the earthly realm. The dieties are sworn to guard against any threat to their existence.
FORMER NAZIS, TRANSFORMED INTO AKUA WARRIORS, PREPARE TO LEAVE PAJARO ISLAND.
To combat Carmen’s so-called Soldiers of Mercy, as well as guard Jonah Blossom from harm, they empowered their Kauwani queen, Pajaro Hina, to anoint several Akua. These sacred guardians were successors to the original, who was known as kupale maika'i, The Great Defender. All but one of these successors were homosexual Nazis that Chiza reformed and converted to the Kauwa religion. SÃ, I know how unhinged that sounds, but believe me: I couldn’t make this shit up! My information about events on Pajaro Island comes courtesy of Sabrina’s cousin Ambrose, who is a Kauwa convert.
Scattering across Europe, the Akua used Wicca-generated elemental powers to repel the gender enforcers. Between 1988 and 1990, their exploits made headline news all over the continent! Not only did they foil numerous kidnappings of so-called gender transgressors; they blocked distribution of gender propaganda in primary schools; they targeted manufacturers of breast binders and genital-tuck devices; and they even demolished some of Carmen’s sex change clinics.
Unfortunately, that psycho-bitch found out how to neutralize the Akua squad. She cast a Voodoo spell that reached inside their minds and revived genocidal impulses that Adolph Hitler had cultivated! These former Gestapo storm troopers began using deadly force against her gender thugs, which obliged Pajaro Hina to revoke their powers. The Kauwa religion strictly forbids killing - one reason why I will never become a convert!
ALEXANDRA DIAMOND DEALS DEATH TO HER ADVERSARIES!
Without those powers over air, earth, fire and water, the new Akua were themselves killed by the Soldiers of Mercy. This tactic shows Carmen’s ruthlessness: she’s una perra sanguinaria who will sacrifice her own recruits in order to stamp out those who challenge her crazed gender revolution! However, it's too late for her to crush grass roots opposition.
Right from the jump, the Akua squad had public sentiment on their side. Their martyrdom fired up a growing anti-sex change movement in Europe. Spearheading it was Jonah Blossom - the reincarnated Stormy Foster! Jonah began appearing on stage in the Great Defender costume that the original Stormy and his successors had worn.
Claro, his sharp criticism of gender ideology and his support for the aborted Akua crusade against it puts him in danger. Carmen Serna won't tolerate obstacles to her evil plans for long; however, Jonah’s unique Wiccan lineage and dormant magic powers - which are awesome in scope - makes him too valuable for her to kill. Instead, she's begun the process of turning him into a zombie!
At any time, Carmen could have silenced Jonah but years of political lobbying has made her savvy in the ways of public relations. Wouldn’t it be better, she reasoned, if such a high-profile critic of gender ideology suddenly saw the error of his ways? If Stormy Foster publicly walks back his opposition and declares full support for mandatory sex change, it would be a major publicity coup for her organization, The Diamond Trust.
The zombie hex that Carmen cast over Jonah Blossom has been broken, but she doesn’t know that. Ms. Della, who was partially responsible for breaking it, has laid a trap for her. It will be sprung as soon as she tries to exert control over him, and it doesn’t even involve witchcraft!
In her guise of "Julie B," our former Head Witch used her powers of persuasion instead. She sold Stormy Foster’s management team on a dope-ass subversion of Carmen’s intended publicity stunt: What if Stormy does claim to have changed his mind? Why not put out a press release alerting his fans to the change? It's sure to trigger an uproar, but that just makes the trap more cunning.
So dig it . . . Jonah will ask The Diamond Trust to hold a special press conference. He'll tell them that he has "renounced homosexuality" and that he intends to declare his support for "gender-affirming care." Carmen, thinking her coup is in play, will be only too eager to set it up! But here's the twist: There’s been absolutely no change of heart on his part. The bogus press release will enable Italy’s most activist rapper to beard the gender-affirmation lioness in her den, so to speak - reaffirming his support for homosexual orientation and biological sex right inside Diamond Trust headquarters! Jonah Blossom has been wanting to confront Carmen for years; he was immediately on board with this idea. Ms. Della’s deception has already been initiated.
Carmen will become enraged, and she’s always at her weakest when that happens. The combined sorcery of Ms. Della, Ambrose Nixon, Alexandra Cabot, the Witches Leslie and yours truly will throw her trifling ass off balance, and an unseen ally will keep her that way. That ally is nobody but Sabrina, whose life essence survives deep inside the brain of Tara Nation Faws - the woman whose body Carmen controls.
I’ve had a mental bond with Sabrina for many years, one so strong that not even her murder could sever it; but the psychic shackles that Carmen created to keep Bree imprisoned blocked my ability to access it. I've been struggling for years to communicate with my friend, and little by little, I've broken through the barriers! You've heard the expression "read her like a book"? That's what I'm doing to Carmen right now. No, I can’t actually read her evil mind, but I understand how it works; and I know exactly what it's gonna take to shut that putamadre and her pinche Diamond Trust down! Remember, in my human form I'm a lucha libre champion. I'm going to put my wrestling skills to good use.
Salem “Da Katt” has some very special plans for Ms. Serna! And after I'm done with that murdering hoe, Wiccan elders will be standing by, ready to take what’s left of her skank ass into custody. Once we've brought down the reign of the wannabe Voodoo Queen, we can tackle the problem of restoring Sabrina to life.
