STORMY FOSTER RETURNS: Chapter Nine
POP CULTURE CANTINA
presents
A MARVELOUS LIE PRODUCTION
A MOCK SCREENPLAY
in sixteen chapters
STORMY FOSTER
RETURNS
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CHAPTER NINE:
"LOOKIN' FOR ME"
THE YEAR 1991
DIAMOND TRUST HEADQUARTERS,
ROME, ITALY
WHAT I CAN REMEMBER OF MY CHILDHOOD WAS WONDERFUL. I LIVED IN A GORGEOUS HOUSE IN TUSCANY FILLED WITH ARTISTS AND MUSICIANS AND ENTERTAINERS OF ALL KINDS, MOST OF WHOM I CALLED “UNCLE” OR “AUNTIE”. I HAD TWO PARENTS WHO LOVED ME ENDLESSLY, GAVE ME ANY TOY THAT I WANTED AND TOOK ME ON EXOTIC VACATIONS ALL OVER THE WORLD. WITH NO BROTHERS OR SISTERS, I WAS THE SOLE APPLE OF THEIR EYE! YET WITH EVERY REASON TO BE HAPPY, I WAS MISERABLE AND I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHY.
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THOSE YEARS SEEM SO HAZY NOW, AS IF SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME HAD LIVED THAT LIFE. I DO RECALL THAT MY BIRTH NAME WAS “FENDER”, AFTER THE FAMOUS GUITAR BRAND. EVERYBODY CALLED ME NERO, THOUGH - I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT NICKNAME CAME FROM.
I DO REMEMBER THAT MY DAD WAS A GREAT INTERNATIONAL SINGING STAR AND ONE OF THE FIRST TO IDENTIFY AS TRANSSEXUAL. MY MOTHER, WHO DIED WHEN I WAS LITTLE, WAS THE HEIR TO A MEDIA FORTUNE AND ALSO "TRANS". HAVING TWO GENDER-DIVERSE PARENTS, YOU’D THINK I COULD EASILY HAVE FIGURED OUT WHAT MY PROBLEM WAS, WOULDN’T YOU? BUT I REALLY DIDN’T HAVE A CLUE.
I HAD A VERY HARD TIME MAKING FRIENDS. SOMETHING ABOUT ME MADE OTHER KIDS SHY AWAY! SOME OF MY FATHER’S FRIENDS WERE STAND-OFFISH, TOO - BUT WHAT I FOUND MOST DISTRESSING WAS HOW ANIMALS WOULD RECOIL FROM ME. MY PARENTS PURCHASED SEVERAL PETS THAT HAD TO BE GIVEN AWAY BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T STAND ME TOUCHING THEM!
THEIR TOUCH WOULD HAVE A STRANGE EFFECT ON ME, TOO. BEING NEAR DOMESTIC ANIMALS, ESPECIALLY PUPPIES AND KITTENS, TRIGGERED A SADNESS INSIDE THAT WAS SO DEEP, I STILL DON’T HAVE WORDS TO DESCRIBE IT. THANK GOD I HAD MUSICAL TALENT GOING FOR ME! I USED IT AS MY REFUGE FROM PAIN.
AS A YOUNG MAN, I ADOPTED THE NAME "FONZI NERO" AND BECAME A SINGER AND MUSICIAN. I WAS AND STILL AM VERY COMPETENT: FIRST, I LED MY FATHER’S TOURING BAND, AND THEN I EARNED MY LIVING AS A SESSION PLAYER ON OTHER PEOPLE’S RECORDING SESSIONS. I ALSO WORKED ON A LOT OF MOVIE SOUNDTRACKS. I LOVED IT; THE STUDIO ALWAYS FELT LIKE HOME TO ME, AND IT WAS ONE OF THE FEW PLACES WHERE I FELT WELCOME.
AT A TRACKING DATE WHERE I PLAYED DRUMS, THE SESSION SINGER FAILED TO SHOW UP. I WAS ROPED INTO TRACKING A LEAD VOCAL, BUT JUST AS A “PLACEHOLDER” UNTIL THEY COULD HIRE SOMEBODY ELSE TO DO IT. THE RECORD COMPANY HEARD MY DEMO AND LIKED IT; THE NEXT THING I KNEW, THEY'D RELEASED THE SONG “SUN SUN BABAE” WITH ME SINGING. IMAGINE THE THRILL I FELT WHEN IT BLEW UP IN THE DANCE CLUBS AND SCORED A TOP TEN RECORD!
AFTER THAT SONG, I TRACKED ANOTHER ONE CALLED "CHEVERE" THAT DID WELL, AND THEN THERE WAS AN ALBUM. I WAS JUST A FEATURED SINGER WITH THE BAND, BUT WHEN THE TWIST-O-RAMA LP SOLD EXCEPTIONALLY WELL, THE LABEL OFFERED ME A SOLO CONTRACT. I BECAME AN INSTANT DANCE MUSIC ARTIST! IN RETROSPECT, IT SHOULDN'T HAVE SURPRISED ME THAT MY CAREER DIDN’T LAST VERY LONG.
FONZI NERO ON STAGE
THE PROBLEMS BEGAN WHEN PROMOTERS STARTED PUTTING A FACE TO THE VOICE ON THOSE CLUB HITS. NOBODY SEEMED HAPPY TO SEE ME IN PERSON - I REMEMBER FEELING LIKE A PARTY CRASHER! PHOTO SHOOTS WERE ESPECIALLY FRUSTRATING - THE PHOTOGRAPHERS KEPT TELLING ME I DIDN’T “LIGHT” WELL. "THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT YOUR FACE," THEY'D SAY. IT WAS HARD TO LAND MUSIC PRESS INTERVIEWS, TOO. WORD OF MOUTH HELD THAT I WAS “HARD TO TALK TO” - EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T!
TALK SHOWS WERE RELUCTANT TO BOOK ME AS A GUEST, PROMOTIONAL ADS GOT REJECTED IF MY FACE WAS ON THEM, AND I GOT LITTLE OR NO APPLAUSE AT LIVE APPEARANCES. I HEADLINED JUST ONE SHOW WITH A FULL HOUSE, BUT AFTER THAT, I COULD NEVER DRAW A DECENT CROWD. PREDICTABLY, NO FOLLOW-UP HIT MATERIALIZED FOR ME.
YOU COULD ARGUE THAT I JUST DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TALENT TO BE A STAR, BUT I KNEW THAT WASN'T THE CASE. I WAS A GOOD SINGER, AN EVEN BETTER DANCER, AND I HAD GREAT MATERIAL! THE TRUTH IS, MOST PEOPLE JUST WEREN'T COMFORTABLE IN MY PRESENCE. EVEN MUSICIANS THAT I HIRED TO ACCOMPANY ME ON STAGE KEPT THEIR DISTANCE! IT WAS THE SAME PROBLEM THAT HAD DOGGED ME SINCE CHILDHOOD.
THE RECORD LABEL DUMPED ME AND DIDN’T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO NOTIFY ME; I HAD TO READ ABOUT IT IN THE TRADES. I WAS IN PARIS WHEN I FOUND OUT. I LOOKED UP FROM MY COPY OF FRENCH BILLBOARD AND SAW THE EIFFEL TOWER. THE SIGHT OF THAT ICONIC STRUCTURE MADE A LONG-SUPPRESSED MEMORY COME BACK: WHEN MY PARENTS TOOK ME THERE AS A CHILD, A CRAZED WOMAN HAD SNATCHED ME AWAY AND TRIED TO THROW ME OFF AN UPPER TIER!
AT THAT LOW POINT IN MY LIFE, I FELT I’D HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF IF I HAD DIED THAT DAY. I GOT ROARING DRUNK AT THE PUB ST. GERMAIN - I BECAME LOUD AND UNRULY AND GOT TOSSED OUT ON MY ASS! SITTING THERE ON THE CURB LIKE A DERELICT, I DECIDED TO FINISH THE JOB THAT WOULD-BE BABY KILLER HAD BOTCHED. DETERMINED TO COMMIT SUICIDE, I WENT BACK TO THE TOWER FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THAT INCIDENT.
THE ELEVATOR REACHED THE TOP AND AS THE DOORS OPENED, A STRIKING WOMAN WITH FIERY RED HAIR STEPPED INSIDE. SHE GRABBED HOLD OF MY ARMS AND WOULDN’T LET ME LEAVE! AS THE DOORS CLOSED AGAIN, SHE TOOK MY FACE IN HER HANDS AND FORCED ME TO LOOK STRAIGHT INTO HER EMERALD GREEN EYES. "MY NAME IS ALEXANDRA DIAMOND,” SHE SAID, “AND I KNOW THINGS ABOUT YOU THAT YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF! I’VE COME HERE TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.”
SOMETHING ABOUT THE WOMAN LOOKED FAMILIAR, BUT WHEN SHE STARTED SPEAKING TO ME, I WAS SURE WE'D NEVER MET. I WOULDN'T HAVE FORGOTTEN SOMEONE AS FASCINATING AS SHE WAS! OR MAYBE "RIVETING" IS A BETTER DESCRIPTION. OVER A LUNCH OF ESCARGOT AT THE JULES VERNE, SHE PUT THE PAIN I HAD FELT FOR SO LONG INTO WORDS. “YOU WERE BORN IN THE WRONG BODY”, SHE TOLD ME. I DIDN'T NEED CONVINCING!
HOW FOOLISH I FELT, HAVING NEVER REALIZED IT BEFORE. “BUT THAT ISN’T ALL,” SHE CONTINUED. “YOU WERE ALSO BORN IN THE WRONG ERA. I HAVE THE POWER TO TAKE YOU WHERE YOU BELONG AND MAKE YOU WHAT YOU WERE MEANT TO BE. WILL YOU TRUST ME, FONZI NERO?” I EAGERLY SAID YES; ALEXANDRA OFFERED ME A DIFFERENT LIFE, AND I DAMN SURE DIDN’T WANT THE ONE I HAD ANYMORE!
STILL, WHEN WE PARTED COMPANY, I WAS PLAGUED WITH DOUBTS ABOUT HER. WAS SHE TRYING TO PULL SOME KIND OF CRAZY SCAM ON ME? I FEARED FALLING INTO THE CLUTCHES OF A CUNNING MANIPULATOR - BUT THAT NIGHT I HAD THE STRANGEST DREAM. IT SEEMED LIKE I WAS TAKING A LONG JOURNEY SOMEWHERE. WHEN I WOKE UP, I FOUND MYSELF LITERALLY LIVING IN THE PAST! THE CALENDAR YEAR WAS 1988. I WAS BORN IN 2052!
I WAS ASTONISHED, BUT I KNEW IN MY GUT THAT THIS WAS NO DREAM. SOMEHOW, ALEXANDRA DIAMOND HAD KEPT HER PROMISE TO PLACE ME IN ANOTHER TIME PERIOD! SHE HAS TRULY AMAZING POWERS, AND I WOULD SEE ALL OF THEM MANIFEST AS I SETTLED INTO A BRAND NEW EXISTENCE. OBEDIENTLY, I PUT MYSELF COMPLETELY IN HER HANDS AND LET HER GUIDE ME.
SHE OVERSEES AN ORGANIZATION CALLED THE DIAMOND TRUST, HEADQUARTERED IN ROME. IT'S A MANY-FACETED ENTITY THAT FUNCTIONS ANY WAY SHE NEEDS IT TO: SOMETIMES IT 'S A MEDICAL ASSOCIATION. THEN IT CAN BE LIKE A LAW FIRM. SOME PEOPLE SAY IT'S A POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEE. AT OTHER TIMES, IT SEEMS MORE LIKE AN ACADEMIC INSTITUTION. WHATEVER THE TRUST IS, IT'S ALWAYS DEVOTED TO THE PROMOTION OF TRANSGENDER AWARENESS! MOST IMPORTANT, THE TRUST HELPS PEOPLE LIKE ME WHOSE GENDER WAS INCORRECTLY ASSIGNED AT BIRTH.
IT'S BEEN RUMORED THAT THE TRUST COERCES TRANSPEOPLE INTO ACCEPTING THE TRUTH ABOUT THEMSELVES. WELL, I DEFINITELY WASN’T COERCED. I LONGED TO FULLY EMBRACE BEING A WOMAN! I WAS LIKE A PARCHED PLANT, AND THE TEACHINGS OF DIAMOND TRUST GENDER THEORISTS WERE WATER TO MY ROOTS.
WITHIN WEEKS OF ARRIVING IN THE 1980s, ALEXANDRA TOOK ME AND SEVERAL OTHER RECRUITS TO THE SASSO BARISANO IN MATERA, ITALY - A FAMOUS LANDMARK FULL OF CAVE DWELLINGS THAT WERE CARVED BY AN ANCIENT CIVILIZATION. SHE BLINDFOLDED US AND LED US DOWN MANY STEPS, INTO A VAST UNDERGROUND CAVE THAT ONLY SHE KNOWS ABOUT!
AMID INCENSE, CANDLELIGHT AND A STRANGE SOUND LIKE THE HISSING OF SNAKES, WE UNDERWENT A RITUAL IN WHICH WE TOOK ON NEW NAMES, RENOUNCED OUR BIRTH GENDERS AND PLEDGED TO IDENTIFY AS OUR TRUE SELVES GOING FORWARD.
THEN CAME THE HARD PART: SURGERY AND HORMONE TREATMENTS. I CAN'T LIE TO YOU - IT WAS THE WORST PHYSICAL PAIN THAT I’VE EVER EXPERIENCED! THREE YEARS LATER, I STILL HAVEN’T COMPLETELY RECOVERED, BUT THE COMPENSATIONS ARE SO GRATIFYING - ESPECIALLY THE WAY I LOOK NOW. THE FACE AND BODY THAT I LOATHED WHEN I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR ARE GONE FOREVER! IN THEIR PLACE I SEE A BEAUTIFUL AND TOTALLY FEMININE WOMAN NAMED VANGIE CHROME.
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A FLYER FOR THE DIAMOND TRUST'S
"OUTREACH COMMITTEE"
AND THEN TRUE HAPPINESS ENTERED MY LIFE WHEN ALEXANDRA INTRODUCED ME TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND. SHE ACTUALLY PLAYED MATCHMAKER FOR US - YET ANOTHER ONE OF HER MANY SKILLS. AS SOON AS I MET TOBIAS MAXWELL, I FELT AS IF I’D KNOWN HIM BEFORE. TOBY TOLD ME THAT HE FELT THE VERY SAME WAY!
FORMERLY A GAY MAN, HE’S BEEN RETRAINED TO CORRECTLY IDENTIFY AS HETEROSEXUAL. AT FIRST, INTIMATE RELATIONS WERE A CHALLENGE AND A LEARNING EXPERIENCE FOR BOTH OF US, BUT NOW WE ARE PERFECTLY ATTUNED PHYSICALLY. I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOOK FORWARD TO OUR LOVEMAKING!
YES, I ADMIT THAT IT’S PAINFUL SOMETIMES BUT . . . I ASK YOU, WHAT KIND OF LOVE LIFE DID I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO AS "FONZI NERO"? IN MY LATE TWENTIES, I WAS STILL A VIRGIN!
I OWE ALEXANDRA DIAMOND SO MUCH, AND THAT’S WHY I’M NOW ONE OF THE DIAMOND TRUST’S MAIN AMBASSADORS. WORKING ALONG WITH ME ARE MY HUSBAND AND JODY JAMES, FORMERLY THE LEADER OF JOSIE + THE PUSSY CATS. WE BRING THE MESSAGE OF GENDER LIBERATION TO MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD, AND YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCES WE’VE HAD!
ONE MISSION TOOK US TO AN UNCHARTED ISLAND IN THE PACIFIC WHERE A COLONY OF GERMAN SOLDIERS HAD BEEN MAROONED SINCE WORLD WAR II. THEY HAD FALLEN PREY TO THE WICKED PRACTICE OF HOMOSEXUALITY! WE CONVERTED AND REFORMED THEM, AND NOW THEY ARE TASKED WITH BRINGING RECALCITRANT ONES INTO THE FOLD - STUBBORN HOMOSEXUALS WHO RESIST PUTTING ASIDE THEIR UGLY PERVERSION.
YOU MAY DISAPROVE OF WHAT OUR SOLDIERS OF MERCY DO, BUT ISN’T IT FOR THE GREATER GOOD? RESTORING NATURE TO ITS PROPER GENDER BALANCE WILL END ALL CONFLICT IN THE WORLD - I TRULY BELIEVE THAT! IT WILL PAVE A PATH TOWARD PROGRESSIVE REFORMS THAT WILL SAVE HUMANITY FROM ITS WORST IMPULSES. ONE DAY - AND I HOPE IT WILL BE SOONER RATHER THAN LATER - ALL OF EUROPE WILL BE UNITED UNDER ALEXANDRA’S WISE AND BENEVOLENT LEADERSHIP.
TOWARD THAT END, JODY JAMES, TOBY AND I ARE HELPING ALEXANDRA ONBOARD A POWERFUL NEW RECRUIT TO THE GENDER LIBERATION MOVEMENT. THE IDENTITY OF THIS MAN, WHO WAS ONCE A MISGUIDED ADVERSARY, WILL BE ANNOUNCED VERY SOON.
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