ARCHIE VS. DON KIRSHNER: "BECOMING MISS BEEHIVE"
Salem Saberhagen presents
THE ARCHIES
These days, everybody likes to talk about recording artists who "reinvent" themselves. Trying on a new image or a new sound is risky but almost always worth it; if nothing else, you learn more about what you are (or are not) capable of. Ideally, it's a voluntary decision but often the music business will force a change!
The Archies' reinvention in 1992 wasn't voluntary but it taught them some valuable lessons: That not only could the band sell records with Betty and Veronica singing lead, it also could radically change its repertoire and not lose fans. Most important, The Archies learned that that there was life after Don Kirshner! ¡Claro que si! Those revelations set the stage for a future reinvention and a higher level of stardom than they'd ever reached before; but first, they had to transform themselves into a "hair band!"
T R A P P E D !
EP SESSIONS
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AUGUST 24 - 28, 1992
EP SESSIONS
“I AM DUSTY”
A TAYLOR/MICHAEL PRODUCTION
XANADU RECORDING STUDIO,
ATLANTIC CITY
HE'S GOT SOMETHING
(KENNY LYNCH, IAN RALPH SAMWELL)
-I AM DUSTY (BLUE) EP
DON'T SAY IT, BABY!
(TED DARYLL, CHIP TAYLOR)
- I AM DUSTY (YELLOW) EP
IF WISHES COULD BE KISSES
(ROY ALFRED, WES FARRELL)
-I AM DUSTY (BLUE) EP
MY COLORING BOOK
(FRED EBB, JOHN KANDER)
-I AM DUSTY (BLUE) EP
I WANT YOUR LOVE TONIGHT
(BOB HALLEY, CARL SPENCER)
- I AM DUSTY (BLUE) EP
STANDING IN THE NEED OF LOVE
(JOY KENNEDY, ROBERT MOSELEY)
-I AM DUSTY (BLUE) EP
I ONLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU
(MIKE HAWKER, IVOR RAYMONDE)
-I AM DUSTY (BLUE) EP
ANYONE WHO HAD A HEART
(BURT BACHARACH, HAL DAVID)
-I AM DUSTY (BLUE) EP
WHEN THE LOVE LIGHT STARTS SHINING
(LAMONT DOZIER, BRIAN + EDDIE HOLLAND)
- I AM DUSTY (YELLOW) EP
WISHIN' AND HOPIN'
(BURT BACHARACH, HAL DAVID)
-I AM DUSTY (YELLOW) EP
MISS BEEHIVE
(THE ARCHIES)
w/KEVIN KELLER
w/THE CRYSTALS
Music Director:
MARTY SHELLER
Arranger:
DILTON DOILEY BRISEÑO
Producer: WILLIAM ORBIT
Sound Engineer:
TAYE FAXTOTUM
Executive Producers:
ROBIN TAYLOR, ZELDA MICHAEL,
KEN ABSALOM
Years from now, Archie will laugh about how he had to pay back all his royalties from "Sugar, Sugar" in order to free himself from Don Kirshner's control. Dude will only be half-joking; neither he nor any of his bandmates ever went on record about how much the buyout cost, but you can take it from me: That was some hella big dinero! And like I told you before, their royalty rate was a case of highway robbery; El Frito Bandito had nothing on Mr. K!
Doing that was all but inevitable. Still, neither she nor the rest of the band (minus Gino, who'd quit for the second time) was ready to throw in the towel yet. If only to replenish their depleted funds, they stayed together and kept gigging for a while. Never as an opening act, though - Archie, and especially Roni had too much pride! "We're not the appetizer," she'd tell promoters, tossing her hair in that bratty way she had. "The Archies are the main course!"
Celebrity parties of the Petula Clark variety became regular gigs for them during this period. Entertaining the likes of Madonna, George Michael, Belinda Carlisle and Chaka Khan was lucrative, but every star-studded, invitation-only bash made the group feel more isolated from the Rock mainstream.
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After Reggie Mantle departed, Chuck Clayton was next to go: Dude had long harbored singing cowboy ambitions and he was soon Nashville-bound! His musical partner (and lover) Geraldine Grundy went with him; except for a period in the late 2020s, they'd be inseparable for the rest of his much too short life. Dilton Doiley returned to take over the music director role he’d originally held - now known as Tony Briseño after reclaiming his Mexican roots - and recent college grad Kevin Keller stepped in to sub for Gino.
The last thing the band wanted to do was sign with another label, but Archie was hungry for another hit single. “I know the group's going on hiatus soon,” he admitted, “but I want to go out with a bang like a champ, not with a whimper like a bitch!” His bandmates let themselves be persuaded, but with the understanding that nobody wanted to sign with a major label, mount a tour or be tied to another long-term contract.
The Archies didn't want to play "Bubblegum" Rock anymore, either, but there was no agreement on where they should go musically. Complications aside, they started checking out the East Coast indie label scene. Based in Atlantic City while playing some clubs there, the group was both surprised and pleased to find a familiar name and face.
MacKenzie Absalom had a brief but spectacular music career as rapper Stormy Foster. The Archies worked with him just before his career took off: Dude was featured on the soundtrack of BUTT NAKED BEACH PARTY! After his magic carpet ride was over, he pursued an opportunity to rock the executive side of the music business. Ken Absalom (as he was now known) hired on with Ansonia Records, one of the oldest Latin music labels still operating on the East Coast. The Archies' failed single "Sunshine" had come closest to scoring a hit in Spanish-speaking markets, and Cajun girl Roni was frequently mistaken for Hispanic; on a whim, the group considered reinventing itself as a Latin Rock act.
Ken had befriended The Archies on the BUTT NAKED movie set, but that didn’t mean he’d cut them any slack now that he was an indie A & R director! “Your name is synonymous with Bubblegum music,” he told them, “and frankly, amigos, that’s commercial poison these days! Crossing over from mainstream Rock is hard enough; it wouldn’t be fair to sign you knowing we can’t get your records played.” However, dude had been in A & R long enough to know that their kind of dope-ass talent didn’t come knocking every day!
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Before the band left his office, Ken made them an unusual offer. “Some friends of mine are mounting a musical," he said. "Becoming Miss Beehive is about Dusty Springfield. It tracks her first year as a solo artist after quitting her brother's Folk group. There won't be a cast album because the woman playing Dusty is legally tied to a record label that doesn't want to release one! They won’t let her do any outside recording, either. So instead of a cast album, my friends want me to cut a tie-in promotional record to publicize their show. It’ll be released on the same day the production opens off-Broadway."
Ken continued: "I haven't been able to find musicians who can give Robin and Zelda the classic Sixties Pop sound that they want - not until now! I know you'd be up to the task . . . with Roni or Betty singing lead, you could do Dusty Springfield's early song catalog justice." Archie was skeptical: "What's the catch?" The catch was that they had to record under a fake name! Naturally, Veronica was laser-focused on the money: "What's the fee?" It was laughably low, so she used her Lodge business acumen to negotiate more reasonable terms. The Archies left Ken Absalom’s office with a one-off deal: They’d cut a promotional EP for the Broadway-bound musical Becoming Miss Beehive, and the lead character's nickname would be their recording pseudonym.
The show's producers, Robin Taylor and Zelda Michael got their money’s worth and then some: The Archies proved once and for all that they were a completely self-contained unit. What's more, Tony Briseño adapted show arrangements for the band so easily, you’d never have guessed that he hadn't done it before! Latin music legend Marty Sheller, official music director for the Beehive dates, urged him to write a musical of his own. Ten years later, dude composed a damn fine Latin Rock revue in collaboration with my homegirl Sabrina! These sessions are where his inspiration for Mexotica came from.
In a nutshell, Miss Beehive was The Archies with the female members (sometimes augmented by Kevin Keller's falsetto) handling all of the lead vocals. Fo' shizzle, the material was a change of pace for them but not so very different: "Standing In The Need Of Love" had been in the band's repertoire going back to when they were called The Juggz! They'd sample Dusty Springfield's repertoire three more times in later years: "Goin' Back" and the hella rare "I'm Gonna Leave You" and "Go 'Head On"; but none of Dusty's other sides had been or would be part of an Archies set, and that's hard to figure.
Betty Jones sang the shit out of that British diva's early catalog! For the first time, Betty took the lion's share of leads; babe proved that she'd absorbed all of Chuck Clayton's lessons about Gospel phrasing. On top of that, she poured pent-up emotion from recent family traumas into her singing; mamacita kicked culo and took nombres! This project finally gave “Archie's tambourine girl” a chance to show how much value she brought to the group.
Several cast members from the show dropped in to observe the sessions. The leading lady wasn't among them - most likely, she didn't relish having vocal competition - but Delores "La La" Brooks was there. The youngest member of Girl Group legends The Crystals was also an actress; the director of Miss Beehive cast her to portray Dusty Springfield's friend and colleague Madeline Bell. La La was so impressed by what she heard, babe asked to sing back-up harmonies with Kevin Keller.
On the evening scheduled for final tracking of background voices, The Archies were delighted when she showed up with two Crystals in tow: Dee Dee Kennibrew and Barbara Alston! Ken Absalom didn't think the songs could sound any better than they already did, but these sisters proved him wrong; they had skills! A few years later, after The Archies had broken up, Archie and Jughead returned the favor by playing guitar and bongós on a pair of Crystals album sessions.
With so much professionalism on tap, the young producer Ken hired to helm the sessions didn’t have much to do; but he earned his credit by mixing the tracks to sound exactly as if they’d been recorded in the 1960s! Several years later, William Orbit gave Madonna’s smash hit “Beautiful Stranger” the same retro ambiance. However, it was the mixing prowess of teenage sound engineer Taye Faxtotum that most impressed Archie; a decade later, dude sought Taye out and hired her for his studio crew at Archie Records.
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ANSONIA RECORDS
AUGUST 31 - SEPTEMBER 4, 1992
EP SESSIONS
“I AM DUSTY”
A TAYLOR/MICHAEL PRODUCTION
XANADU RECORDING STUDIO,
ATLANTIC CITY
LIVE IT UP!
(LEON HUFF)
-I AM DUSTY (YELLOW) EP
I WISH I'D NEVER LOVED YOU
(MIKE HAWKER, IVOR RAYMONDE)
-unreleased
YOU DON'T OWN ME
(JOHNNY MADARA, DAVID WHITE)
- I AM DUSTY (YELLOW) EP
LOSING YOU
(TOM SPRINGFIELD, CLIVE WESTLAKE)
-I AM DUSTY (YELLOW) EP
CAN I GET A WITNESS?
(LAMONT DOZIER, BRIAN + EDDIE HOLLAND)
-I AM DUSTY (BLUE) EP
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF
(BURT BACHARACH, HAL DAVID)
- I AM DUSTY (YELLOW) EP
MOCKINGBIRD
(CHARLIE + INEZ FOXX)
- unreleased
ALL CRIED OUT
(BUDDY KAYE, PHIL SPRINGER)
- I AM DUSTY (YELLOW)
ONCE UPON A TIME
(DUSTY SPRINGFIELD)
- unreleased
EVERY DAY I HAVE TO CRY
(ARTHUR ALEXANDER)
- unreleased
MISS BEEHIVE
(THE ARCHIES)
w/KEVIN KELLER
w/THE CRYSTALS
Music Director:
MARTY SHELLER
Arranger:
DILTON DOILEY BRISEÑO
Producer:
WILLIAM ORBIT
Sound Engineer:
TAYE FAXTOTUM
Executive Producers:
ROBIN TAYLOR, ZELDA MICHAEL,
KEN ABSALOM
Ken Absalom was astonished at how quickly The Archies could wrap up a “take"! They were far more polished than when he'd worked with them in 1988. “We’ve got time left on the clock,” he told the studio crew. “Why don’t we cut another tune or two?” Or three, or four? When tracking was done, they’d recorded every song from the musical score of Becoming Miss Beehive. Ken had twenty masters to choose from, and there wasn’t a stinker in the bunch! Dude decided to release two promotional EPs instead of just one: Eight selections were issued as I AM DUSTY (BLUE). Eight more got marketed as I AM DUSTY (YELLOW).
Although they never charted nationally, both promo EPs scored regional hits on the East Coast. In fact, they proved so popular that Ansonia Records repackaged them as a CD called MISS BEEHIVE the following year; but the more those records sold, the more pissed-off Taylor/Michael Productions became! While they turned a nice little profit for Ansonia, they did nada for the musical they were meant to publicize. That was hardly The Archies’ fault, though!
Promotion isn’t what Becoming Miss Beehive needed, but salvaging. That show was an fucking accident waiting to happen! Lead actress Otrapussy was a Transwoman and drag queen who sounded nothing like Dusty Springfield; frankly, girlfriend couldn’t sing her way out of a shower stall! (She and The Archies would cross paths again in 2005.)
At her insistence, neither BLUE nor YELLOW editions of I AM DUSTY were sold at the theater; they were advertised in the lobby but you could only buy them at retail outlets. People lucky enough to hear Betty and Veronica’s excellent vocals before attending the show were left baffled - not to mention disgusted! Robin Taylor and Zelda Michael’s first and last stage production closed after two weeks of stank reviews.
Aún así, the Ansonia product was red-hot! Ken Absalom decided that a live band should promote it, and dude wasn’t down with sending a pick-up group out on tour. “That de mierda musical left the public feeling cheated,” he told Archie. “They want to hear Dusty Springfield’s hits performed the right way - your way, live on stage!” The contract The Archies had signed gave Ansonia the option to require a certain number of promotional appearances. The group had already set a date to split up, and they still had no intention of touring! However, they agreed to do at least one live performance: At a benefit for New Jersey factory workers whose plant had recently shut down.
It was going to be held at the famous Stone Pony club, up the coast in Asbury Park. Laura Branigan had been set to headline the show, but bowed out at the last minute citing health reasons. While the organizers were scrambling to book a replacement, the union president's wife up and suggested Miss Beehive; babe was a longtime Dusty Springfield fan, and she loved the tribute records!
There was good publicity value in it for Ansonia Records, so the company sponsored a performance and agreed to donate the proceeds. The Archies wanted to appear as themselves, but Ken Absalom lay down the law: “No way, amigos! Remember the contract you signed? The Archies are not Ansonia artists. Legally, you’ve got to appear as Miss Beehive!”
Easier said than done when you’re a world-famous group! Disguises were the only solution. Archie grew a mustache, fitted a huge Afro wig over his curly red mop and hid his freckles behind pancake make-up - this was to laugh! The other guys also sprouted mustaches and actually let their hair grow out. Betty and Veronica did themselves up as Dusty Springfield clones with heavy eye make-up and enormous blonde wigs. “Look at us!“ Roni exclaimed, checking herself out in a hand mirror. “We’re a little old tribute band.” Kelly snickered: "Not only that - we're a sure-as-shit 'hair band' now!"
Ken Absalom approved. “Nobody will recognize you,” he predicted. Dude would’ve lost a bet: The Archies could change how they looked, but they couldn’t change how they played! They had a strong signature sound based on Jughead’s drumming style and Archie’s fingerboard technique; and while Betty's voice may have been unfamiliar, Veronica's lead vocals on "Wishin' And Hopin", "My Coloring Book" and "Don't Say It, Baby!" were unmistakably her! Both inside and outside the music industry, rumors were already circulating about the promo discs.
At the benefit, several people in the crowd recognized the band. One started yelling: “Hey, it’s The Archies! No other group sounds like that.” Another one declared: "That bouncin' rack of titties - man, I'd recognize Betty Jones anywhere!" Not knowing what else to do, Archie stopped the show and with no little embarrassment, explained the situation. There was an uncomfortable silence . . . and then one attendee jumped to his feet. “Why would we want to see Miss Motherfuckin’ Beehive anyhow,” he bellowed, “when we can see The goddamn Archies for free?”
The crowd responded with such raucous cheering, whistling and foot-stomping, you could hear the roar all the way down the boardwalk! Every member of the band was in tears! “Thank you so much for your support,” Betty stammered. “Thanks so much for YOURS,” the Union president replied. “But there’d have been a bigger turnout if people had known who you really were. Will you do a second show for us?”
With Ansonia Records again sponsoring the group, they did put on a second show. “Miss Beehive” was mercifully put to rest - Archie burned that pinche wig - and Archies hits got integrated with the Dusty Springfield cover songs. The SRO crowd couldn't get enough of Betty's Blues-wailing (not to mention her "bouncin' rack of titties"), and the band was cookin' like a street taco grill at lunch hour! No, they weren't the stoned Soul caravan they'd become in later years, but nobody was complaining.
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The grand finale featured Jim Henson's Muppets cavorting onstage behind The Archies - The Henson Company sent a generous donation along with their famous characters. Jumbo-sized puppetry made for a riotous finish that drove the crowd loquitos-and-a-half! Combined proceeds from this concert and the preceding one amounted to nearly a quarter of a million dollars! The only thing that could've made the laid-off factory workers happier was getting their jobs back - which of course wasn't gonna happen. The news and entertainment media latched onto a great story, and the band got full credit for its charitable efforts.
As if that wasn’t dope enough, Bruce Springsteen praised them from the stage while touring his albums Lucky Town and Human Touch. “New Jersey loves the hell out of The Archies," he declared, "and so do I! Their music fucking rocks, and they give back to the community.” The Boss and his band added “Sugar, Sugar” to their nightly sets, playing it as an extended Funk jam. Archie was jiggy pumped when he heard about it! “You said you wanted to go out with a bang,” Roni laughed. “Was this one loud enough for you, Archiekins?” Her soon-to-be husband responded with a big-ass smooch.
Ansonia Records didn’t retain ownership of the Miss Beehive masters for very long: Robin Taylor and Zelda Michael sued to acquire them. A fat lot of good it did them, though: Those cabronas were clueless about how to market music! In 1995, Taylor/Michael Productions sold the rights to none other than . . . would you believe Don Kirshner? ¡Coño! Dude's chutzpah was off the chain! Remember how he had trashed Betty's singing?
Around the same time Archie Records was founded, Mr. K lost all of his music properties to a series of bad investments. Claro, you know who ended up with them! The Ansonia masters came as a total surprise to Archie and Veronica when they purchased what was left of the Kirshner catalog in 2005 and inventoried their holdings. Archie's delighted reaction summed up this unlikely turn of events quite nicely: “Ain't Karma a bitch, though?”
Now, amigos, I really have come to the end of my story. What more can I say about the Kirshner-era Archies? Those recordings are viewed in much the same way as Elvis Presley's Sun Records releases or Neil Diamond's output on the Bang label: Rock 'n' Roll in its most pristine expression! Some fans swear that The Archies were never better than when Don Kirshner was marketing them - and Mr. K would no doubt agree with that assessment! But I call grande mierda on that notion; no fucking way was 1989 their pinnacle. I know The Archies' music inside and out, and believe me, the best was, and is, yet to come!.
Their last gig for eight long years was a September 1992 broadcast of the "Echo Valley" radio show; much to Professor Bubblegum's delight, they rocked the shit out of "Hooked On A Feeling" and closed his show with an awesome mash-up of "Get On The Line" with "Sunshine" and "Sugar, Sugar" - later known to fans as the Golden Sugar Medley. Afterwards, Archie made a promise to his band. "Right now, we're best known for having been associated with Don Kirshner," he acknowledged. "But it won't always be like that! A day will come when it's the other way around." Veronica agreed, adding: "Not only will we earn the kind of fame and prestige that Donnie has, we'll have more than he ever did or will." That's a promise they sure-as-shit kept!
ARCHIE vs. DON KIRSHNER
A MARVELOUS LIE PRODUCTION
dedicated to the Jewish and Italian-American creators of the comics industry
STORY CONCEPT BY HAMPTON JACOBS
TEXT, COSTUME + ART BY
STUFFED ANIMAL
COLOR BY
pattycolor
A GOOD CAST DESERVES REPEATING:
THE ARCHIES
THE PUSSY CATS
DILTON DOILEY BRISEÑO
CHUCK CLAYTON
STORMY FOSTER
BIG NIPSY FREUND
GERALDINE GRUNDY
HOT DOG
KEVIN KELLER
TERRY "POP" TATE
introducing
ZIGGY BUTT NAKED
and
VIVIAN SONG
narrated by
SALEM Da KATT
special cartoon cameo appearances by
NKOTB
MADONNA
PETULA CLARK
ANGIE DICKINSON
THE CRYSTALS
THE MUPPETS
PHIL SPECTOR
LUTHER VANDROSS
CARL WEATHERS
AKI ALEONG, JEFF BARRY,
PERRY BOTKIN, JR, NANCY CAL CAGNO,
GARY CHESTER, BOB CREWE,
RON DANTE, RAY ELLIS, JULIE FAZIO,
NEIL BRIAN GOLDBERG,
ELLIE GREENWICH,
VIJI KALYANASUNDARAM,
ARTIE KAPLAN, DARLENE LOVE,
ROD MACK, HUGH McCRACKEN,
TOM MOURGOS, WILLIAM ORBIT,
WILLIAM ORBIT, NINO TEMPO,
BILLY WARD, TONI WINE, EDNA WRIGHT
and
DON KIRSHNER
SPECIAL THANKS TO
JAMETTA COOLEY, TARQUIN GARRISON,
MICHAEL V. SKEEN + PROFESSOR BUBBLEGUM
ARCHIE'S SATURDAY NIGHT
BLAST TOUR
August 1990
Milwaukee WI - Riverside Theater
Tulsa OK - Expo Square
Eugene OR - Autzen Stadium
PROCEED NOW TO THE
TRAIN STATION AND . . .
"destination: sugartown"
