God Bless Rock and Roll (Part Six)

The imaginary Rock group known as The Archies first appeared in April of 1967.  Archie Comics conceived them as a one-off comic strip send-up of The Monkees, the biggest Pop phenomenon of the day.  One year later, a series of unlikely events led to The Archies becoming a true-life recording entity: The cartoon concept was married to a New York studio group, and the combination generated two years' worth of hit records! 

The most famous, of course, was the international chart-topper "Sugar, Sugar" but the Archies hit parade also included "Bang-Shang-A-Lang", "Who's Your Baby?", "Jingle Jangle", "Sunshine" and "Together We Two".  Not to mention five charting albums and countless cover versions of Archies originals - especially "Sugar, Sugar" which has been sung in multiple languages and music genres!

That fondly-remembered studio group is long gone, but their namesake still soldiers on (albeit somewhat feebly) in the pages of Archie Comics!  A sizable legacy of Archies songs exists, mostly written by the great Pop producer and songwriter Jeff Barry.  

Barry emerged from a remarkable gathering of mostly Jewish tunesmiths who worked in the offices of Broadway-based music publishers. Their heyday was the late 1950s and early '60s, but the dozens of hit songs they created still resonate after six decades!  With this screenplay, DC Hampton Jacobs pays tribute to those songwriters and some of their classic compositions.

POP CULTURE CANTINA

presents

A Marvelous Lie Production

GOD BLESS ROCK 'N' ROLL!

Adapted from a Song Written by
RON DANTE + HOWIE GREENFIELD

Produced by CARMINE GRANITO

Screenplay by DC HAMPTON JACOBS

Cinematography by STUFFED ANIMAL

Costumes by NERO the DOG

Cartoon Images Inspired by

ARCHIE COMICS CHARACTERS

The Bandleader/ARCHIE ANDREWS

The Blues Singer/BETTY COOPER

The Gigolo/CHEVY LONG DONG

The Vocal Coach/TIMOTHY GARLAND

The Caterer/MONTANA JONES

The Rock Singer/KEVIN KELLER

The Boss Lady/RONI LODGE-ANDREWS

The White Nationalist/"MAD" MAX MANISCHEVITZ

The Executive Producer/ALAN MAYBERRY

The Manager/

HEATHER "SQUEAK" McGILLICUDDY

The Producer/FOX PRINTEMPS

The Studio Sound Engineer/YVONNE REMY

The Reggae Queen/TONI TOPAZ
The President/NANCY WOODS

with

Comedy Relief/BEAU JACQUES

Musical Accompaniment/MARIACHI LOWRIDER

Backing Vocalists/COCHINADA BROTHERS

Backing Vocal Choir/RIVERDALE ROCK CHORALE (final show)

Dancing Ladies/ZOOT SUIT MUCHACHAS

Dance Troupe/DULCE de FUEGO (final show)

and introducing

DEAN CHRISTOPHER!

Screenplay Narrated by The Sorceress . . .

SABRINA "BREE" SPELLMAN

THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL WORLD TOUR

ASIAN LEG AND TOUR FINALE

SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2032

MUMBAI, IN - Saturday the 4th

DEHLI, IN - Sunday the 5th

BANGKOK, TH - Saturday the 11th

SINGAPORE, SG - Sunday the 12th

MANILA, PH - Saturday the 18th

HONG KONG, HK - Sunday the 19th

SEOUL, KR - Saturday the 25th

TOKYO, JP - Saturday the 2nd

OSAKA, JP - Sunday the 3rd

RIVERDALE, USA - Sunday the 24th

BREE SPELLMAN: THE ARCHIES' FINAL CONCERT WON'T BE OPEN TO THE PUBLIC! IT WILL BE A FREE DINNER DANCE THAT RONI LODGE-ANDREWS ORGANIZES; THE ATTENDEES ARE WORKERS AT THE HOTEL IN BORA BORA WHERE THE GROUP HOLDS ITS LAST BUSINESS MEETING. 

THE ARCHIES WERE NEVER THE KIND OF BAND WHO LEFT HOTELS WORSE FOR WEAR! THEY EARNED A REPUTATION FOR GIVING BACK AS MUCH HOSPITALITY AS THEY GOT. YOU'LL SEE THAT PRIVATE SHOW IN MY MAGIC CRYSTAL, AS WELL AS THE GROUP'S LAST RECORDING SESSION IN TAHITI, THEIR LAST DINNER TOGETHER AND THEIR STAR-STUDDED TOUR FINALE IN RIVERDALE USA.

THE ARCHIES ENTERTAIN IN

BORA BORA, TAHITI

THE TIME: THE YEAR 2033 

(with flashbacks to 2032)
THE PLACE: VARIOUS FILMED LOCATIONS

CHEVY LONG DONG (narration): RESPONSE TO THE ARCHIES IN SOUTH ASIA CONFIRMS THAT THEIR POPULARITY THERE HAS EVEN COME TO OUTSTRIP THAT IN SOUTH AMERICA. SUCH OUTRAGEOUS TICKET SCALPING HAS RARELY BEEN SEEN ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD!

IN DELHI, THE GROUP CUTS TRACKS IN VARIOUS INDIAN LANGUAGES FOR A CHART-TOPPING COMPILATION. THE SUCCESS OF "ARCHIE SUPERSTAR" BRINGS REQUESTS FOR TV AND PODCAST APPEARANCES ACROSS THE ASIAN CONTINENT. 

FULFILLING THESE REQUESTS TAKES A TOLL ON EVERYONE BUT ESPECIALLY ARCHIE, WHO LOSES HIS VOICE AND ONLY PLAYS GUITAR AT DATES IN MANILA AND SINGAPORE.  AUDIENCES IN HONG KONG AND SEOUL GO BUCK WILD FOR THE GROUP, BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO THE SHEER PANDEMONIUM THEY FIND IN JAPAN! MEDIA OUTLETS COMPARE IT TO BEATLEMANIA; THE GROUP REQUIRES A SECURITY ESCORT AND ENDS UP BARRICADED IN HOTEL ROOMS. 

TREVOR SANTIAGO MAKES HIS LAST GUEST APPEARANCE IN TOKYO, WOWING THE CROWD WITH AN EXTENDED PERFORMANCE OF "JET AIRLINER". THESE ARE THE LAST SHOWS TO INCLUDE ZOOT SUIT MUCHACHAS: THE SINGING AND DANCING TRIO LEAVE THE TOUR IN OSAKA DUE TO PRIOR COMMITMENTS.

THE COCHINADA BROTHERS

REMEMBER THEIR LATE UNCLE,
REY COCHINO

BETTY COOPER, Manhattan NY: I HATED TO SEE LOS TRES MARÍAS GO, ESPECIALLY MARIA STEPHANOS.  SHE AND I BECAME VERY CLOSE! FORTUNATELY, THE COCHINADA BROTHERS AND MARIACHI LOWRIDER TRAVELED ON TO RIVERDALE WITH US. 

I WANT TO GIVE A HEARTY SHOUT-OUT TO FOX PRINTEMPS AND THE REST OF OUR TOURING MUSICIANS: THEY SOUNDED FANTASTIC EVERY TIME WE PLAYED WITH THEM!  CHA CHA, MEMO, LALO AND BUBBA COCHINO ARE THE TIGHTEST HARMONY SINGERS IN THE BUSINESS; AND NO MARIACHI BAND EVER ROCKED HARDER THAN "FOOLKILLER" SCHWARTZ, "CISCO" VÁLDEZ, "SHUGGIE" CASTELLANOS, "LECHÓN PIG" IRRIZARRY, "BUTCHER KNIFE" BETANCOURT AND MY EX-BROTHER-IN-LAW, "BABALÚ" TORRES.  

MOST OF THEM ARE ON PROBATION RIGHT NOW, BUT YOU REALLY COULDN'T FIND A NICER BUNCH OF GUYS!

ARCHIE ANDREWS, Osaka JP (in 2032): WE'RE DEDICATING OUR LAST SHOW TO REY COCHINO, OUR FORMER SESSION CONTRACTOR AND A GREAT BRASS PLAYER. TRUMPET, TROMBONE, SAX, FLUTE, FORGET ABOUT IT! DUDE COULD PLAY ANY KIND OF HORN. NOT ONLY DID HE APPEAR ON A LOT OF ARCHIES RECORDS, HE WAS THE UNCLE OF OUR TOURING BACK-UP SINGERS, THE COCHINADA BROTHERS. 

REY DIED SIX MONTHS BEFORE THIS TOUR LAUNCHED; WE'D HAVE LOVED TO HAVE HIM WITH US. INSTEAD, WE HAVE THE UNBELIEVABLY TALENTED MS. TONI TOPAZ, WHO WE'RE GOING TO INDUCT INTO THE ARCHIES RIGHT ON STAGE!

TONI TOPAZ, Santa Barbara CA: THEY'D BEEN ASKING ME TO JOIN THE GROUP FOR YEARS, BUT THERE WAS ALWAYS SOME COMPLICATION PREVENTING ME. I FINALLY SAID "YES" DURING THE FAREWELL TOUR; CLEARLY, I WASN'T GOING TO GET ANOTHER CHANCE!

ALAN MAYBERRY, Bora Bora, PF (outtake): MY MEMORY MAY BE IMPAIRED NOW, BUT I'M STILL VERY MUCH AWARE OF WHAT'S GOING ON. WHEN CHEVY LONG DONG PUT THE MOVES ON ME, I ALREADY KNEW HE WAS BEDDING WOMEN LEFT AND RIGHT!   AND I KNEW HE HAD SEDUCED MY DAUGHTER. FULLY AWARE THAT I WAS HER FATHER, HE STILL WANTED TO START SOMETHING WITH ME ON THE DOWN-LOW! I DECIDED TO TEACH THAT DUDE A LESSON.

I TOLD CHEVY I LIKED TO MAKE OUT IN MY HOT TUB AND SET A DATE FOR HIM TO MEET ME IN MY CABAÑA. I HAD NO INTENTION OF HAVING SEX, BUT I LED HIM ON! FROM AN ADJACENT ROOM, I TOLD HIM TO GET IN THE TUB AND WAIT FOR ME. WHEN HE DID, HE FOUND HIMSELF SHARING A SOAK WITH ARCHIE'S PET PYGMY ALLIGATOR!

BEAU JACQUES, Bora Bora PF (outtake): RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

BATH TIME FOR BEAU JACQUES
AND CHEVY LONG DONG!

ALAN MAYBERRY, Bora Bora PF (outtake): BEAU JACQUES IS A PUSSYCAT; ALL OF ARCHIE'S STAFF HAS SPLASHED AROUND WITH HIM. HE WOULDN'T HURT A FLY, BUT CHEVY DIDN'T KNOW THAT. I MEAN TO TELL YOU, DUDE WAS SCARED SHITLESS! NEVER SAW ANYBODY RUN SO FAST IN HIS BARE ASS.

YVIE WAS THERE WITH ME, OBSERVING IN SECRET; I MADE SURE SHE WITNESSED THE WHOLE THING. THAT MIGHT SEEM CRUEL, BUT IT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE HER SEE CHEVY FOR WHAT HE WAS! IT SHOOK HER UP A BIT, BUT SHE'S A TROOPER LIKE HER MOTHER, ALEXANDRA. SHE'LL TREAT IT AS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE!

LATER, I TRACKED CHEVY DOWN AND HAD A LONG TALK WITH HIM. I TOLD HIM ABOUT MY SEX WORKER BACKGROUND, AND HE CONFIRMED THAT HE'D BEEN AN ESCORT, TOO. A GIGOLO CAN GET INVOLVED IN A LOT OF DIFFERENT SCENES: SEX ACROSS GENDER LINES, GENERATIONAL LINES, SOMETIMES EVEN FAMILY LINES! ONE TIME I WAS IN BED WITH TWO SISTERS! SO YOU DEVELOP A CAVALIER ATTITUDE TOWARD SEX, AND IT CAN SPILL OVER INTO YOUR OWN LOVE LIFE.

AS A YOUNG MAN, I WAS A LOT LIKE CHEVY: HOPPING FROM BED TO BED WITH NO REGARD FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS, AND NO CLEAR IDEA ABOUT WHAT I WANTED FROM A RELATIONSHIP. I FORGAVE HIS RECKLESS BEHAVIOR AND ADVISED HIM TO SLOW DOWN AND THINK ABOUT WHAT HE WAS DOING. BUT I TOLD DUDE IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS HOW UPSET I'D BE IF HE HURT YVIE AGAIN! I'M PRETTY SURE HE GOT THE MESSAGE.

PROMO FOR "ARCHIE SUPERSTAR",
INDIA'S BEST-SELLING ALBUM
FOR THE YEAR 2032

YVONNE REMY, Bora Bora PF (outtake): THE DAY AFTER THAT ABORTED HOT TUB RENDEZ-VOUS, CHEVY CAME AND APOLOGIZED TO ME. I WAS ANGRY, BUT MOSTLY AT MYSELF. IF I'D JUST PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER, I'D HAVE REALIZED HE WAS A MALE ESCORT RIGHT AWAY! I'D HAVE KNOWN HE WAS PANSEXUAL, TOO. EVEN WITH HIS DISABILITY, DAD WAS MORE ALERT THAN I WAS.

BUT YOU KNOW, THAT UGLY SITUATION WAS A BLESSING IN DISGUISE.  IT TOOK DAD'S MIND OFF HIS DEMENTIA DIAGNOSIS.  HE TOOK CONTROL OF AN UNPLEASANT SITUATION JUST LIKE HE NORMALLY WOULD.  HE PROVED TO HIMSELF THAT HE COULD STILL PROTECT HIS LITTLE GIRL!

DAD TOLD ME ABOUT THE TALK HE HAD WITH CHEVY, AND HOW CHEVY RESPONDED. NOT THAT I WAS READY TO FORGIVE THE BASTARD, BUT I DECIDED TO LET BYGONES BE BYGONES. WE PARTED AS (ALMOST) FRIENDS, AND I EVEN INVITED HIM TO THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL DINNER.

MONTANA JONES, Miami South Beach, FL:  ALAN M'S DAUGHTER YVONNE AND I GOT TOGETHER AND COOKED A "LAST SUPPER" FOR THE ARCHIES. EVERYBODY WAS THERE: GROUP MEMBERS PAST AND CURRENT, ARRANGERS AND SESSION MUSICIANS, THEIR FAMILIES AND THE STAFF OF ARCHIE AND RONI'S PRODUCTION COMPANY. 

THERE WAS A LOT OF JOY IN ALAN M'S DINING ROOM THAT EVENING, BUT SADNESS, TOO!  LONGTIME FRIENDS WERE GOING THEIR SEPARATE WAYS, NEVER TO SEE ONE ANOTHER AGAIN.

THE ARCHIES' LAST SUPPER AT

ALAN MAYBERRY'S HOUSE

RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Pelham NY: I'LL NEVER FORGET WHEN ARCHIE TOLD ME ABOUT BETTY'S BABY. IT SHOCKED ME TO MY CORE! FOR YEARS, I HAD THIS GUT FEELING BETTY WAS HOLDING SOMETHING BACK FROM ME BUT I HAD NO IDEA WHY OR WHAT IT COULD BE. 

 I NEVER DREAMED ARCHIE HAD FATHERED A CHILD WITH HER! SHE NEVER TOLD EITHER ONE OF US; HE DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL DEAN CHRISTOPHER CONTACTED HIM LAST YEAR.  WELL, OF COURSE I BELIEVE HIM!  I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN WHEN MY ARCHIEKINS IS LYING TO ME OR NOT.

IT TOOK SOME TIME TO SORT OUT MY FEELINGS. NO, I WASN'T REALLY ANGRY AT BETTY.  I KNOW HOW MUCH SHE WANTED A CHILD WITH ARCHIE; WHEN WE WERE TEENAGERS, SHE EVEN USED TO FANTASIZE ABOUT IT. GIVING HIS BABY UP MUST HAVE TORN HER HEART OUT; BUT I KNOW WHY SHE DID. BETTYKINS WOULD DO WHAT SHE THOUGHT WAS BEST FOR THE CHILD, NO MATTER WHAT!

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO BROACH THE SUBJECT WITH HER, BUT SHE FINALLY CAME TO ME!  SHE SHARED A TWEET THAT DEAN CHRISTOPHER HAD SENT TO HER. HE ASKED IF JUGGY AND I COULD COME ALONG WHEN HE MEETS HER FOR THE FIRST TIME; HE THINKS OF US AS HIS GODPARENTS!

ARCHIE AND I ARE HOPING TO MAKE IT A BIG REUNION AT OUR VACATION HOME IN UMBRIA, ITALY. HOPEFULLY DEAN'S ADOPTIVE PARENTS WILL LET US FLY THEM OVER. IF WE CAN WORK EVERYTHING OUT, THE JONESES, THE COOPERS, THE ANDREWS AND THE CALCAGNOS WILL ALL SPEND A MOLTO BELLO ITALIAN CHRISTMAS TOGETHER. IT'LL BE WONDERFUL AND, OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET DEAN! I FEEL LIKE HE'S THE BABY SON I NEVER HAD.

FAMILY REUNION:  ARCHIE + BETTY

WITH THEIR LOVE CHILD,

DEAN CHRISTOPHER

TIMOTHY GARLAND, Nashville TN: THERE WAS ONE MORE SONG LEFT TO OVERDUB, BUT ARCHIE, JUGGY, BETTY AND RONI WANTED TO SING IT TOGETHER. THE WOMEN WERE BUSY ELSEWHERE UNTIL LATER IN THE EVENING. JUGGY LEFT THE STUDIO FOR AWHILE AND ARCHIE STAYED TO SUPERVISE FINAL MIXES FOR THE JAY AND THE AMERICANS MEDLEY, "SOUL DEEP SKA", "WHOLE WORLD SHAKIN'", THE ÉXITOS EN ESPAÑOL MEDLEY, "HIP SHAKER" AND "CHICO'S GIRL".

SQUEAK McGILLICUDDY, Pelham NY: AT SIX, WE ALL TOOK A DINNER BREAK. WE GOT BACK TO THE STUDIO ABOUT TWO HOURS LATER, AND AT A QUARTER TO NINE BETTY AND RONI ARRIVED. AT ARCHIE'S REQUEST, THEY BROUGHT A FEW SPECTATORS ALONG! 

THAT GROUP INCLUDED JOHN LEGEND AND HIS WIFE CHRISSY TIEGEN, ACTRESS SANDRA OH AND RAPPER/COMEDIENNE AWKWAFINA. BUT DON'T BELIEVE THE PRESS RUMORS ABOUT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE TULSI GABBARD ALSO BEING THERE: TULSI WAS IN THE VICINITY AND RONI INVITED HER, BUT SHE WASN'T ABLE TO ATTEND!

YVONNE REMY, Bora Bora PF: AFTER THE ARCHIES WARMED UP FOR ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES, VERONICA YELLED "LET'S DO THE DAMN THING!" AND THEY GATHERED AROUND THE TWO MIKES WE'D SET UP. THEY SANG THE GOLDEN SUGAR MEDLEY ALL THE WAY THROUGH NONSTOP, AND JUST SOUNDED FABULOUS; OUR STUDIO GUESTS COULD BARELY HOLD BACK THEIR APPLAUSE!

   

TIMOTHY GARLAND, Nashville TN: ARCHIE CORRECTLY PREDICTED THAT A STUDIO AUDIENCE WOULD MOTIVATE EVERYBODY TO SING WITH A LOT OF PASSION. ARCHIE'S DELIVERY WAS SO PASSIONATE, HE GOT HOARSE NEAR THE END AND WANTED TO DO HIS PART OVER. WE ALL SCREAMED "NO FUCKING WAY!" THANK GOODNESS WE WERE ABLE TO TALK HIM DOWN.

"GOLDEN SUGAR MEDLEY"

GET ON THE LINE
Words + Music by JEFF BARRY
SUGAR, SUGAR
Words + Music by
JEFF BARRY + ANDY KIM
SUNSHINE
Words + Music by
JEFF BARRY + BOBBY BLOOM
RECORDED 19 SEPTEMBER 2032
LIVE IN HONG KONG
GROUP VOCALS OVERDUBBED
ON 24 JULY 2033

FOX PRINTEMPS, Pelham NY: BEFORE LEAVING FOR THE NIGHT, YVONNE AND I COMPLETED FINAL MIXES FOR THE GOLDEN SUGAR, JEFF AND ELLIE, MANN AND WEIL AND ABBA SONG MEDLEYS.  THE NEXT MORNING, SQUEAK, ARCHIE AND RONI LISTENED TO THE PLAYBACK.  THEY ONLY TURNED THUMBS DOWN ON ONE TRACK: "WHOLE WORLD SHAKIN''.  IT WAS AN OLD SAM COOKE SONG THAT ARCHIE AND TREVOR SANTIAGO PERFORMED AS A DUET; BUT WHEN RONI COMPARED THEIR RENDITION TO THE ORIGINAL RECORDING, SHE FOUND IT LACKING. FOXIE SUSPECTED THAT SHE MIGHT, SO WE'D SET ASIDE "ONLY IN AMERICA" AS A POSSIBLE REPLACEMENT.  THE SUBSTITUTION WORKED WELL, AND THAT AFTERNOON SQUEAK SIGNED OFF ON OUR REVISED TRACK SEQUENCE.  ALAN MAYBERRY IMMEDIATELY SENT THE ALBUM OFF TO ABBEY ROAD STUDIOS TO BE MASTERED.

ADIÓS AMIGOS: THE FAREWELL WORLD TOUR WAS RELEASED A MONTH LATER. IT WAS CREDITED TO THE ARCHIES FEATURING TONI TOPAZ AND KEVIN KELLER; GINO MANTLE, TREVOR SANTIAGO, COCHINADA BROTHERS AND ZOOT SUIT MUCHACHAS WERE LISTED AS GUEST STARS.  BY MID-SEPTEMBER THAT THREE-RECORD SET WAS SITTING PRETTY ON TOP OF THE AMERICAN CHARTS!  

AS OF TODAY, IT HAS TOPPED CHARTS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM, AUSTRALIA, BELGIUM, CANADA, GERMANY, NORWAY, MEXICO, JAPAN, SOUTH AFRICA AND SPAIN. I WAS ABSOLUTELY GOBSMACKED: MY VERY FIRST PRODUCTION ASSIGNMENT, AND IT CONQUERS THE WORLD! BOO-YAH!

AFTER THEIR FAREWELL TOUR,

THE ARCHIES WILL MAKE A

FEW MORE PERSONAL

APPEARANCES. HERE THEY'RE

SHOWN REHEASING FOR A PBS

TV SPECIAL

SQUEAK McGILLICUDDY, Pelham, NY: ARCHIE WANTED THE LAST SHOW TO BE EXTRA-SPECIAL. HE COMPLETELY REVAMPED THE SET LIST, STRIPPING IT DOWN TO WHAT HE FELT WAS THE STRONGEST STAGE MATERIAL. AT THE SAME TIME, HE ADDED MORE BACKGROUND SINGERS AND DANCERS: THE RIVERDALE ROCK CHORALE AND A FANTASTIC DANCE TROUPE CALLED DULCE DE FUEGO.  THE COMPANY IS MADE UP ENTIRELY OF TRANSSEXUAL MEMBERS, AND JUST LIKE I HEARD KEVIN KELLER SAY . . . THEY'RE FUCKING AWESOME!  ARCHIE WANTED HIS BAND TO GO OUT WITH A BANG, AND DID THEY EVER!

TIMOTHY GARLAND, Nashville TN: THE REPERTOIRE WAS PARED DOWN DUE TO NECESSITY MORE THAN ANYTHING. MUSICIANS IN THEIR SIXTIES GOING ON MAJOR TOURS IS NOTHING NEW, BUT THE ARCHIES HADN'T TOURED FOR YEARS! THEY WEREN'T READY TO RESUME SUCH A RELENTLESS PACE, AND THEN ARCHIE AND RONI DECIDED TO EXTEND THE TOUR PAST AUGUST . . . ADDING THOSE USO SHOWS LEFT EVERYBODY EXHAUSTED. THAT EXTRA MONTH OF PERFORMANCES WAS MURDER ON ARCHIE'S VOICE; ONLY WITH A HERCULEAN EFFORT COULD HE GET THROUGH A NUMBER!  JUGGY AND KELLY HAD TO SING MOST OF HIS SONGS.

THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY BUYS UP
THE ARCHIES' MUSIC CATALOG
IN THE 22nd CENTURY

DEAN CHRISTOPHER, Newark NJ: I WAS DYING TO SEE THAT LAST SHOW, BUT I DIDN'T TELL ARCHIE. HE'D HAVE WANTED TO RESERVE TICKETS FOR ME AND STEPHANIE!  THEY COST TWO ARMS AND A LEG, BUT I MANAGED TO BUY THEM WITHOUT HIS HELP. 

I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO KNOW WE WERE COMING, BECAUSE HE'D HAVE TAKEN US BACKSTAGE.  I WASN'T QUITE READY TO MEET BETTY COOPER YET, SO I DECIDED TO ATTEND THE TOUR FINALE ON THE DOWN-LOW.

TONI TOPAZ, Santa Barbara CA: GUESS WHO SHOWED UP BACKSTAGE BEFORE THE SHOW? NOBODY BUT MAX MANISCHEVITZ!

MAD MAX, Luxembourg City, LU: THE ARCHIES ARE MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE GROUP. I COULDN'T STAND THE IDEA OF US PARTING AS ENEMIES! I REALLY FUCKED UP THEIR RECORDING SESSION IN GERMANY; MY BEHAVIOR WAS 'WAY OUT OF LINE! I NEEDED TO APOLOGIZE, SO I FLEW ALL THE WAY FROM LUXEMBOURG TO DO IT. NATURALLY, I WANTED TO CATCH THEIR LAST SHOW, TOO.

TONI TOPAZ, Santa Barbara CA: I WAS READY TO KICK HIS NEO-NAZI BUTT ALL OVER AGAIN, BUT IT TURNS OUT HE CAME TO MAKE AMENDS. MAX WAS GENUINELY CONTRITE! WE ACCEPTED HIS APOLOGIES AND SENT HIM OFF WITH A BIG-ASS GROUP HUG. IT WAS A GOOD THING TO HAVE HAPPEN BEFORE WE TOOK THE STAGE FOR THE LAST TIME. 

 THIS MAY SOUND STRANGE, BUT EVEN WITH HIS NEWFOUND WHITE NATIONALIST VIEWS, I CAN'T PERSUADE MYSELF THAT MAX IS AN EVIL PERSON. CRAZY FOR SURE, BUT NOT EVIL . . AND I DO BELIEVE HE'S BEGUN TO SEE THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS. DEEP DOWN, HE'S STILL THE SMART AND FUNNY JEWISH BOY I ALMOST FELL IN LOVE WITH.

"SAY GOODBYE TO RIVERDALE"

Words + Music by
BILLY JOEL

Adapted by KEVIN KELLER
RECORDED 24 OCTOBER 2032
LIVE IN RIVERDALE

DEAN CHRISTOPHER, Newark NJ: THAT LAST ARCHIES CONCERT WAS UNBELIEVABLE: ONE THRILL AFTER ANOTHER! MAYBE I'M BIASED, BUT I THOUGHT BETTY'S PERFORMANCES WERE THE STANDOUTS. SHE BROUGHT THE CAPACITY CROWD TO ITS FEET SINGING "SUSPICIOUS MINDS"! NOW I KNOW WHERE MY SINGING ABILITY COMES FROM; I WAS TOTALLY DAZZLED BY HER TALENT! BUT I'VE GOT TO BE FAIR: THE WHOLE GROUP WAS IN SUPERSTAR MODE. 

KEVIN KELLER, Taos NM: OUR FORMER MANAGER BIG NIPSY FREUND MADE IT TO THE FINAL SHOW, AND ALL OF US GROUP MEMBERS WERE THERE EXCEPT REGGIE AND TREVOR. THEY BOTH SENT REGRETS VIA A SATELLITE HOOK-UP. BUT THEN WTF? ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE HOOK-UP SWITCHED TO WASHINGTON DC. THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WAS ON THE VIDEO SCREEN! FUCKING AWESOME, MAN!

DEAN CHRISTOPHER, Newark NJ: PRESIDENT NANCY WOODS WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH THE FUTURE ARCHIES. SHE GREETED EACH MEMBER BY NAME AND CONGRATULATED THEM ON THEIR FOUR-DECADE CAREER. THEN SHE DECLARED THEM A NATIONAL TREASURE AND CONCLUDED BY SAYING:  "GOD BLESS RIVERDALE, GOD BLESS THE ARCHIES, AND GOD BLESS ROCK 'N' ROLL!"  

THAT FUCKING DROVE THE AUDIENCE APESHIT!  THE CHEERS WERE SO DEAFENING, MY EARS ARE STILL RINGING; AND MY HEART IS STILL OVERFLOWING WITH PRIDE. TO THINK THAT WAS MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER AND FATHER UP THERE BEING HONORED!

SABRINA THE SORCERESS WITH
THE ORIGINAL ARCHIES LINE-UP:
JUGGY AND BETTY JONES, ARCHIE
AND RONI LODGE-ANDREWS AND
REGGIE "GINO" MANTLE

BETTY COOPER, Bora Bora PF:  MADAME CHAIRMAN, I MOVE THAT THE ARCHIES DISBAND.

ARCHIE ANDREWS, Bora Bora PF:  I SECOND THE MOTION.

RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Bora Bora PF:  IT IS MOVED AND SECONDED THAT THE GROUP KNOWN AS THE ARCHIES BE DISBANDED.  IS THERE ANY DISCUSSION? (pause)  ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF THE MOTION SAY "AYE".

THE ARCHIES, Bora Bora PF: AYE!

RONI LODGE-ANDREWS, Bora Bora PF: ALL THOSE OPPOSED SAY "NAY".
 (pause) THE "AYES" HAVE IT, AND THE MOTION IS CARRIED.  THE ARCHIES ARE HEREBY DISBANDED! 

THE ARCHIES, Bora Bora PF: BOOOOO-YAAAAAAH!

BEAU JACQUES, Bora Bora PF: AAAAHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

ARCHIE ANDREWS, Pelham NY: NOW THAT THE ARCHIES ARE HISTORY, I DON'T SING ANYMORE; I'VE CROONED MY LAST SOUL BALLAD! I'M JUST A GUITAR PLAYER NOW; BUT MY SICILIAN NANA HAD A SAYING: "QUANNO PORTA PEDDI, N'AUTRU SI SONA." IT MEANS "WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER OPENS!" 

MY ASSOCIATION WITH THE ARCHIES HAS OPENED MANY DOORS FOR ME: DOORS TO FAME, FORTUNE, INCREDIBLE FRIENDSHIP AND MILLIONS OF FANS ALL OVER THE WORLD. I EVEN GAINED A SON, A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW AND A GRANDSON!  ALL THAT AND VERONICA, TOO.  WITH SO MANY BLESSINGS IN MY LIFE TO COUNT; THE ONLY THING I CAN SAY IS . . . WHAT'S NEXT?

BREE SPELLMAN: WHAT'S NEXT IS A GROUP CALLED THE NEW ARCHIES, AND I HAPPEN TO KNOW QUITE A BIT ABOUT THEM . . . BUT THAT'S A STORY FOR ANOTHER DAY.  IT'S TIME TO RETURN TO THE YEAR 2020.  AU REVOIR, MY FRIENDS, AND NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY SAYS:

ROCK ON!

cartoon cameo appearances by

CNN ANCHOR ANDERSON COOPER!

"LATINO USA" HOST MARÍA HINOJOSA!

INTERNSHIP SPECIALIST MARILYN PIKET!

ACTRESS AND AUTHOR MARIA RIVA!

WCVB BOSTON ANCHOR MARIA STEPHANOS!

THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS!

BRILL BUILDING SONGWRITERS 

AND PRODUCERS:

JEFF BARRY, GERRY GOFFIN, 

ELLIE GREENWICH, 
CAROLE KING, DON KIRSHNER, BARRY MANN, 
CYNTHIA WEIL and TONI WINE!

NERO the DOG!!!
RON DANTE
THE INSPIRATION!

and

DEAN CHRISTOPHER

THE RENAISSANCE MAN!

special thanks to
PATTY BALL, BRUCE FREY, WAYNE JONES, ARTIE KAPLAN, TOM MOURGOS, LAURA PINTO 
and MICHAEL V. SKEEN

  

READ THE COMPANION FEATURE 

"ARCHIE IN THE THIRTIES"

"God Bless Rock 'n' Roll"
was conceived, written and drawn
in the city of Boston, Massachusetts.

It is dedicated to the loving memory of

DR. JERRY MANEKER