Say Goodbye To Riverdale Synopsis (Part Three)

Archie, Cantina Style!

An Alternate History of The Archies

Synopsis of the 2014 graphic novel 

"Say Goodbye To Riverdale"

A Cartoons + Castanets Production

Written by Hampton Jacobs

Illustrated by Stuffed Animal

Costumes by Henrietta la del Barrio

featuring pop art images based on 

ARCHIE COMICS characters

KEVIN KELLER, VERONICA AND JUGHEAD

CO-PRODUCE THE 2013 JAZZ ALBUM
JUMP BACK, HONEY!

A POP ARCHIE TIMELINE:

(2012 - 2040)

2012 - Kevin Keller's album ALL FIRED UP sells Double Platinum, making him the most successful openly Gay Heavy Metal artist in history!  He wins a Best New Artist Grammy award.  While he's planning his follow-up, Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil approach him and Juggy about co-starring in a musical Cynthia is writing.  It's based on the memoir of The Righteous Brothers' Bill Medley and will be co-produced by him.  Bill wants Kelly to portray his late partner Bobby Hatfield. Barry and Cynthia want Jug to portray Bill.  After successful negotiations, Blue-Eyed Soul signs on to the project and rehearsals begin.  "Soul And Inspiration" premiers at Riverdale's Awesome Venue and after a strong opening night, the show does SRO business!  Ralfi Chingas signs on to portray his musical idol Phil Spector and choreographer Toni Topaz appears as Medley's lover Darlene Love.  Kelly reckons that he can pursue both stage and music stardom, but he doesn't yet realize what a runaway success "Soul And Inspiration" will become.  After the show's initial run, he starts work on his follow-up album; it will take many months to complete!  Without Kelly, The Archies fly to Italy where they cut songs in Italian and compete in the San Remo Music Festival.  They also tape a TV special that expands on their "Hits Of The Sixties" tour repertoire.  Very popular in Europe, the show won't be released on DVD for many years.  In addition, the group stars in Mambo Italiano, a racy Italian music video that wins several film awards.  Returning home, The Archies celebrate the music of Barry Gibb and The Bee Gees on a dance-floor-friendly EP.  Arch is wary of marketing a Disco record in America, so SHADOW DANCING is only released in Asian territories.  Initial sales are slow, and he decides to withdraw it from sale; this ensures its status as a collector's item. BE YOUR OWN ARCHIES, a karaoke album by Midge Mercury's Gigolettes, is the Archie Fan Club's most successful release! It will influence several generations of teenage garage bands. Reggie Mantle quits the band at year's end. Josie + The Pussy Cats leave the Archie label for a lucrative Virgin Records contract.

ARCHIES SINGLES RELEASED

BETWEEN OCTOBER 2011 AND SEPTEMBER 2014.

2013 - Archie Americana Productions buys up the Falcon Records label, owned by Dilton Doiley Briseño. The merger results in a new parent company, Sugartown Productions. Kevin Keller becomes a Falcon artist and releases HUSH, a Top Ten EP.  Reggie and Olga San Quentín form a popular duet act and tour the Tejano music circuit. They sign to the new Archie Americana subsidiary Discos Falcón and cut OLGUITA + REGINALD, a highly successful début album. Dilton produces the LP. "Soul And Inspiration" acquires big money backers from Europe; it makes a transatlantic relocation, from Riverdale's Awesome Venue to the Harry Lucey Theatre in London. Again, the show scores big with audiences!  Archie negotiates the rights to a cast album; Ralfi Chingas produces it, Jonniemae conducts the orchestra and Arch writes the arrangements. Attended by a host of Pop culture celebrities, the tracking sessions at Abbey Road are a major event!  Outstanding live-in-studio performances by Juggy, Kelly and Toni Topaz propel the album up the charts; it goes Double Platinum!  Six months into the show, Blue-Eyed Soul takes a break to help The Archies cut a new LP.  Jug suggests that they record a tribute to Rhythm and Blues pioneer Ella Mae Morse.  Veronica co-produces the single disc collection JUMP BACK, HONEY with him and Kelly; they hire Justin Strickland, leader of the Jazz group Savoy Sound to write arrangements.  Jonniemae returns as The Archies' music director.  Archie is adamant that The Archies play every note of music themselves, with no help from sidemen; he's determined to silence lingering accusations of the band not playing on their own records!  Kelly plays Jazz piano, Juggy and Archie double on reeds and brass, Trevor plays stand-up bass, and Betty blows her sax like never before!  JUMP BACK, HONEY wins unprecedented critical acclaim for The Archies and comes close to receiving a Grammy nomination.  However, the Kevin Keller-led title track fails as a single and fans are indifferent to the album; it only sells well in Japan. ARCHIE @ THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL, a live Christmas album marketed in South America will be a Platinum Award-winning consolation prize come the new year. Archie Radio broadcasts via satellite for three months; various Archies members as well as Josie + The Pussy Cats, Blue-Eyed Soul, The Vixens and other current and former Archie acts perform live on the air. Chuck Clayton is named CEO of Cherry Vagina Music. At year's end, he cuts a solo album for Archies Fan Club Records; The Archies back him on eight of the selections. 

WRAP-AROUND COVER DESIGN FOR
THE SAY GOODBYE TO RIVERDALE
MOVIE SOUNDTRACK ALBUM FROM
THE YEAR 2037.

2014 - Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil and Bill Medley sign a deal to take "Soul And Inspiration" to Broadway.  However, their new backers insist that Hollywood stars replace Juggy and Kelly!  Blue-Eyed Soul graciously withdraw from the now-doomed production, and an angry Toni Topaz quits the show. Archie signs Toni to his label as a solo artist. He writes the Reggae arrangement for "Throw Down A Line", her début single. It hits Number One on the charts and establishes Toni as a rising star!  Ralfi Chingas produces the subsequent TONI TOPAZ album, with musical accompaniment by The Bettys (Betty Jones, Bree Spellman, Midge Mercury and Jonniemae).  Betty's decision to reform her college band triggers estrangement between her and Juggy.  The Archies record a live album in South Korea, sung in Korean and Japanese; FILET OF SEOUL is released in digital download format only. At the urging of her preacher husband Duke Mason (also known as Big Moose), Big Ethel quits her job as Archie's secretary to become a Gospel singer. Along with Memphis's Slain in the Spirit Singers, The Archies provide musical backing for her début album BOSOM OF ABRAHAM.  While those sessions take place, Archie and Veronica engage in dual negotiations: To get permission from the ABBA organization to cut a song tribute, and to sell Sugartown Productions to notorious corporate raider Jason Blossom!  The latter deal is reached in secret. Permission is also granted for the new Archies album, which the band flies to Germany to record.  However, executive producer Björn Ulvaeus is unhappy with the Heavy Metal arrangements.  Even though he himself conceived the musical concept, Ulvaeus stops ABBA-NORMALITY from being released.  It's the first blow of a devastating one-two punch: Archie and Roni's bandmates are furious when they learn of Jason Blossom's purchase of Archie Records. They refuse to record masters for him, and he sues to stop them recording for anyone else!  In the wake of Blossom's lawsuit, The Archies decide to go on indefinite hiatus.  Blossom retaliates, pulling their catalog from the market; he also holds back new releases. This thwarts Archie's plan to ship The Archies' unreleased 1992 Soul album, ARCHIE'S CHICANO OLDIES.

THE ARCHIES IN 2007, CUTTING TRACKS 
@ SPANISH EDDIE'S BAR + GRILL 

IN NEW ORLEANS.

2015-19 - Jason Blossom's company Republic International absorbs the Archie label and discontinues it. Against Archie's wishes, Veronica takes an A & R job with Republic.  Olguita + Reginald continue their Tejano hitmaking streak under Blossom's auspices.  He announces a deluxe hits compilation on The Archies, then deliberately cancels the release in order to anger their fans!  Josie + The Pussy Cats break up and Josie reboots the band as a "Punk Funk" ensemble called Jozetta. Kevin Keller co-produces their first album; he's having an affair with Josie!  Fortunately, he's able to reconcile with his (same-sex) spouse even while continuing to explore pansexuality - having his "pussy" and eating it, too!  Kelly also continues climbing the ladder of Heavy Metal stardom with two more smash hit albums. The Bettys go on tour and record two albums. Betty and Juggy Jones separate, then divorce.  She begins dating TV host Anderson Cooper who, like Kelly, comes out as pansexual.  Jug draws closer to Toni Topaz. Trevor Smith returns to work as a session musician but will transition into music publishing.  Jonniemae relocates to Medellín, Columbia, where her mentor Ralfi Chingas has become an A & R executive at Discos Fuentes.  Archie and Veronica sell Cherry Vagina Music to the Peer publishing group.  They also found a school, the Riverdale Music Academy, and adopt a baby girl from Ghana.  Betty breaks up her band, marries up Anderson Cooper and becomes an heir to the vast Vanderbilt fortune!

ARCHIES SINGLES TO BE RELEASED

IN 2030, 2031, 2117, 2125 AND 2126.

2020-26 - Archie cuts SAVE THE COUNTRY, a second unsuccessful solo album. His backing vocal group includes Mal Hypster, who will join The New Archies.  Veronica clashes with Jason Blossom and quits Republic's A & R department to go independent.  After secretly marketing Archies bootlegs for several years, Blossom finally releases their cancelled hits compilation. The double-length LP GOLDEN SUGAR goes Double Platinum!  Olga San Quentín retires from performing and Reggie launches a solo career.  Using the name Gino el Huapanguero, he becomes an iconic Norteño performer in México.  He also mentors several young Latin musicians.  One of them, Rikki Ninja, will co-found The New Archies. Gino, Juggy and Archie represent The Archies in Barcelona at the Latin Music Hall of Fame. The group's ÉXITOS EN ESPAÑOL album is inducted and, with Dilton Doiley Briseño conducting a Rock 'n' Roll big band, the trio gives a stellar live performance.  Juggy marries up Toni Topaz.

THE COMPLETE ARCHIE RECORDS ALBUM

DISCOGRAPHY, 2002 - 2014. 

2027-29 - Kevin Keller turns his back on the world of Heavy Metal to become a Jazz singer but his new career falters. The Archies sue Jason Blossom for royalty non-payment and other contract breaches.  Their lawsuit is thrown out, but they do win the right to cut masters for another label.  Recruiting Kelly and Chuck Clayton to sub for Reggie Mantle and Trevor Smith, The Archies sign with Atlantic Records.  They record a successful EP called SEDAKA JUNCTION and a Soul music album called RIDE, RIDE, BABY that's destined to become mired in racial controversy.  While the band struggles to defend itself from charges of "cultural appropriation", Jason Blossom marries up actress Benazir Bhooty.  Back in 2005, she co-starred with Archie in the flop movie Black Belt Smackdown!  Benazir murders Jason after catching the closeted media mogul in bed with one of Kevin Keller's old boyfriends.  Later, she's found not guilty by reason of insanity!  The Archies' new singles are well-received in South America but they fail elsewhere. After an abortive attempt to cut a follow-up to RIDE, RIDE BABY called HARD TO HANDLE, their recording contract with Atlantic is terminated. Chuck Clayton resigns from the group following a fist fight with Archie. Archie Americana Productions reaches legal settlement with Jason Blossom's estate and approves a string of Archies reissues and compilations. With help from Olguita + Reginald, The Archies cut a wealth of classic Rock tunes for their music archives. As they wrap up that project, a massive terrorist attack all but levels San Francisco! The group find themselves doing the same kind of disaster relief work that led to their 2001 reunion.

T H E   A R C H I E S

ARCHER SAINT-CHRISTOPHER "ARCHIE" ANDREWS

- 1987-2033

NEVILLE CHARLES "CHUCK" CLAYTON - 2027-28

MARY ELIZABETH "BETTY" COOPER - 1988-2033

FORSYTHE JEROME "JUGGY" JONES III - 1987-2033

KEVIN LUTHER "KELLY" KELLER - 2027-2033

VERONICA YVETTE "RONI" LODGE-ANDREWS 

- 1988-2033

REGINALD WHITNEY "GINO" MANTLE III

also known as "Reggie"

- 1987-2012

TREVIÑO HAMPTON "TREVOR SMITH" SANTIAGO 

- 2010-14

"TONI" TOPAZ ANTOINETTE BRAITHWAITE 

- 2032-33

DILTON DOILEY "TONY" BRISEÑO - 1987-88

PROMO FOR THE 2075 ARCHIES

BOX SET RETRO!!!

2030 -  Former publicist Heather "Squeak" McGillicuddy takes over management of The Archies from Nicholas "Big Nipsy" Freund. Archie, Betty, Veronica, Juggy and Kelly regroup; Chuck Clayton won't be replaced for a while. With Jonniemae producing and Kevin Keller on lead vocals, The Archies record a single for disaster relief.  It's released by Republic, the label formerly owned by the late Jason Blossom. Bree Spellman writes the arrangement and Ralfi Chingas conducts the band. The double-sided hit "Sweet Savior"/"San Francisco" tops the charts and creates new demand for Archies music. They also complete the Carole King tribute album abandoned in 2001, but Republic declines to release it. Jonniemae takes a staff job at Discos Fuentes, leaving her too busy to produce more sessions. Archie has begun having serious vocal problems, so Kelly replaces him as primary lead vocalist. Neither Gino nor Trev are on board this time around, but both agree to contribute to the farewell album that the group decides to record.

PREVIOUSLY UNRELEASED ARCHIES

RECORDINGS FEATURED ON THE

2075 RETRO!!! BOX SET.

2031 - At the urging of their former producer Ralfi Chingas, The Archies sign with Discos Fuentes; it had been the South-American distributor for the now-defunct Archie label.  They seek out Latin-flavored songs to cut.  Kevin Keller suggests an album devoted to the hits of Jay + The Americans, his all-time favorite group. Neither Ralfi nor Jonniemae is available to produce it, so Veronica revives Archie Americana Productions. She, Kelly and Juggy helm sessions on the East Coast at ASS (Archie Sound Studios), although Dilton Doiley Briseño cuts Gino's vocals in El Paso and Trevor Smith tracks with ex-Savoy Sound leader Justin Strickland in London. Betty also plans to record her parts separately.  This arrangement infuriates Archie, who demands that everyone be in the studio together!  Compromises are reached: Betty joins the others at ASS and Archie, Reg and Trev meet up in Medellín, Colombia. At Discos Fuentes, Jonniemae supervises two tracks featuring their trio vocals.  In a time of increasingly hard-edged music, critics dismiss the ballad-heavy GRASS WILL SING FOR YOU album as irrelevant fluff.  However, music buyers are hungry for something different, and this three-record set fits the bill.  With practically no airplay, it sells Double Platinum, and an EP of remixes from the album scores big in dance clubs! A French compilation of previously-unreleased sides also does well, ending a decades-long airplay drought in France. In response to popular demand, The Archies book a farewell world tour.

FINALE OF THE ARCHIES' FAREWELL
WORLD TOUR IN RIVERDALE.

2032 -  The Archies' Farewell World Tour launches from Washington, DC. Juggy's second wife Toni Topaz signs on as both opening act and Chuck Clayton's touring replacement; in addition, both Trev and Gino join the tour at specific dates. "Adiós Amigos from The Archies" breaks records and registers as the most lucrative concert series of the early 2030s! While appearing in Germany, The Archies and Toni Topaz cut "Voodoo Doll", a theme song for Radio Luxembourg. They also track a hits compilation in India with songs performed in various Indian languages. ARCHIE SUPERSTAR becomes Asia's best-selling Archies album ever and "Girl!" (sung in Bengali) scores a major hit. The farewell tour ends on a sentimental note in Riverdale, with a massive crowd in attendance. After the last song, "Say Goodbye To Riverdale," the President of the United States salutes The Archies via a special video hookup. Post-tour, Discos Fuentes persuades the group to cut a follow-up album, WHOLE WORLD SHAKIN', but then refuses to release it: The set is all up tempo, and executives will have wanted another ballad collection.  The band makes just two more public appearances: An episode of PBS-TV's "Austin City Limits" devoted to the songs of Laura Nyro, and an "MTV Unplugged" farewell special.

 

FUTURE NEW ARCHIES MEMBERS 
MAL HYPSTER AND GARCY BRISEÑO 
FEATURE ON THE SAY GOODBYE 
TO RIVERDALE SOUNDTRACK ALBUM.

2033-35 - After The Archies' contract with the Fuentes label expires, a final recording session takes place in Melbourne, Australia. Toni Topaz and Kevin Keller sing lead on "Go All The Way" and three more selections intended for future release on compilations. Instead, Discos Fuentes licenses them for SOMEBODY'S GONNA CRY, a compilation dominated by previously unreleased sides that tops the Australian charts. "Yours Until Tomorrow" and a Gospel-flavored remake of "Oh, How Happy" will be The Archies' final Number One Singles of the 21st century. In mid-2033, Archie, Betty and Kelly cut soundtrack vocals for Philadelphia Freedom, an indie film. Bree Spellman, who will found The New Archies, produces the sessions. The movie scores big in France and yields a long-overdue French chart hit for The Archies: "The Push Push Medley" with Betty singing lead. The final full group meeting takes place in Bora Bora. Toni Topaz is officially made a member of The Archies, and then the group votes to disband. Their third vote establishes a brand called Archies, Incorporated. Henceforth, this brand name will be used to market the group's image. It will appear on Betty Cooper's group biography which drops in early 2035. ADIÓS AMIGOS (later retitled SAY GOODBYE TO RIVERDALE) will top the best-selling book lists and form the basis for a successful movie musical. Going forward, no more than three group members will be together at the same time. In the summer of 2035, the now-disbanded Archies log three successive Number One albums in Latin America: All are volumes of DISCO DE ORO, hits compilations marketed by Discos Fuentes.

2040 - Toni Topaz, Kevin Keller and Jughead re-record an Archies album begun in 2028 but never finished. They intend to release it under the name Blue-Eyed Soul. When Kelly falls ill, the album is shelved indefinitely but thirty years later the master is retrieved and sold to the parent company of Atlantic Records. ROCKING HORSE, marketed as The Archies' final studio LP will top the Vintage Rock Album charts in 2074. It features both surviving tracks from 2028 and remakes from 2040.  This belated success arrives in the midst of Archie-f*cking-MANIA! a major reassessment and rediscovery of the Riverdale supergroup. 

SOUNDTRACK RECORDING SESSIONS 

FOR THE INDIE LESBIAN ROMANCE

FILM PHILADELPHIA FREEDOM.

EXCERPTS FROM THE LINER NOTES OF RETRO!!!
A DELUXE ARCHIES BOX SET FROM THE YEAR 2075

Archie Andrews thanks . . .

PROMO FOR A LIMITED-EDITION SAMPLER

FROM THE ULTIMATE ARCHIES BOX SET

RETRO!!!

Don Kirshner, who discovered, groomed and shepherded us onto the Pop music charts; Jeff Barry, who wrote and produced most of our early hits, and whose catalog of Rock 'n' Roll standards gave us our Jeff + Ellie Songbook; Mick Jagger, without whose patronage our smash hit Archies Get Stoned album would never have happened; Ron Dante, who wrote the fantastic songs we recorded for our Get It On Today! LP, and who produced my favorite Archies record: Archie's Chicano Oldies; Carole King, who single-handedly revamped our vocal presentation and set the stage for our comeback success; Ralfi Chingas, the key element in The Archies' career revival, a fucking musical genius in the studio and the best damn Tex-Mex cook this side of the Rio Grande; "Spanish" Eddie Roxchild, Ralfi's better half, owner of the late, great Spanish Eddie's Bar + Grill, and our favorite remix engineer; Dilton Doiley "Tony" Briseño (whose daughter is Pop Diva Garcy Briseño), leader of the Merenguetón group Mantequilla, who helmed our phenomenally successful Éxitos en Español and Return To Archie Country projects and made The Archies' induction into the Latin Rock Hall of Fame an unqualified triumph; Barry Mann + Cynthia Weil, who invited us to plumb their excellent song catalog for our Hits Of The Sixties album (Veronica's favorite); Laura Pinto, who made recording movie soundtrack music as fun for me as it was challenging; Justin Strickland, who brought new dimensions to our sound with his musical arrangements for Jump Back, Honey; Jonniemae, who along with her dog Nero was an essential element in our later recordings; Timothy Garland, vocal coach extraordinaire, who kept my singing voice viable long after it would otherwise have bit the dust; Mal Hypster (Tim's son), famous TV personality and New Archies member who keeps trying to convince me I started a Rock 'n' Roll revolution; Raj + Amisha Patel, for producing and directing our concert film and sparking much craziness on our world tour; Bree (Sabrina) Spellman, who became our touring music director and didn't let us down when Roni and I asked her to put a new Archies band together; Jason Blossom, whose purchase of my record label made Riverdale Music Academy possible; Mike Pellerito, who held down the business end so I could concentrate on bustin' my nut creatively; all of our great roadies, especially Kix Panunzio, who became our road manager; Big Nipsy Freund, our longtime "mobbed up" business manager, who always had our backs both in the conference room and the recording studio; our new manager, formerly my indispensable publicist, Heather "Squeak" McGillicuddy; Marcy Lodge Katzenbaum, my "cousin-in-law", who held up the legal end come thick or thin; Alan Mayberry, business partner, bosom buddy and audio wizard, who never let The Archies sound less than awesome on vinyl; Rod Mack, Rey Cochino, Madame Axe, Terry "Pop" Tate, Roscoe Shirley, Harvey "Foolkiller" Schwartz and all the other great sidemen we jammed with in the studio; The Vixens, The Candyhearts, The Cochinada Brothers, Zoot Suit Muchachas, Andy Yoshida, Gayme and The Sashimi Sisters, who sang fabulous backing vocals for us on tour; Fawn Mason, formerly known as Rap star Big Ethel, the best private secretary I ever had and later a Gospel music icon; Geraldine Grundy, originally our high school music teacher and so much more later on; Neville Charles "Chuck" Clayton, her life partner, my very best friend, the heart and soul of Sugartown Productions and The Archies' secret weapon; and Mary + Fred Andrews (Mom + Dad), for always believing and understanding.

THE ARCHIES WERE INDUCTED INTO THE

LATIN ROCK HALL OF FAME IN 2021! THEIR

FABULOUS INDUCTION NIGHT PERFORMANCE 

WILL BE INCLUDED ON THE 2075

RETRO!!! BOX SET.

Special thanks from Archie to . . .

My fabulous band mates 
Betty Cooper, Juggy Jones, Kelly Keller, 
Reggie "Gino" Mantle, Trev Santiago and Toni Topaz: 
We were family, we were the best, and we are forever!!!

The New Archies: 
Garcy Briseño, Donna Dante, Frankie Fujiyama, Mal Hypster, Toby Maxx, Rikki Ninja, Lana Suzuki and Ramsay Khalid Sharma. You were nobody's spin-off band, that's for damn sure! The music you made never failed to astound me.

Dr. Hermione Andrews:

My wonderful daughter, of whom I am fiercely proud! Maya, you are my hero.

Dean Christopher Andrews Calcagno:

Son of mine, you are the gift I wanted most of all; I love you so damn much!

Veronica Lodge-Andrews: 
My beloved wife, the mother of my daughter, my business partner, lover, friend, counselor, nurse, cheerleader, source of abundant laughter, inspiration and musical magic (as well as other kinds) . . . honey, you made me a man, and a very happy one. My memories of you are precious, but they aren't nearly enough. I miss you, babe!

FRONT AND BACK COVERS OF AN
ARCHIES HITS COMPILATION
FROM THE YEAR 2125.

Archie Andrews will write the RETRO!!! liner notes in September of 2073.  He will pass away that same year.  Vox Sound Plus Image (the media conglomerate that buys up Jason Blossom's estate) will dedicate the box set to his memory.