Legacy Of A Rock 'n' Roll Witch Queen (Part Two)

Legacy of a Rock 'n' Roll 

Witch Queen

New Archies Music in the 22nd Century

Yet Another Fan Art Fantasy by
DC Hampton Jacobs
Cartoon Images by Stuffed Animal
based on Archie Comics Characters

Gold and Platinum Singles by The New Archies

"Can't Break The Habit" (#5 Pop, released in 2039), "Eli's Comin'" (#11 Pop, released in 2040), "Humpty Dumpty"/"Don't Mention My Name" (#1 Pop, released in 2049), "I Just Wanna Keep It Together" (#1 Pop, released in 2057), "Jacksonville Station" (#14 Pop, released in 2041), "Lady Jane" (#5 Pop, released in 2039), "Mama Can't Buy You Love" (#17 Pop, released in 2039), "Promise Me Anything" (#10 Pop, released in 2052), "Rock-A-Polka" (#2 Pop, released in 2051), "Running In And Out" (#6 Pop, released in 2039), "Sausalito" (#2 Pop, released in 2041), "Shambala" (#7 Pop, released in 2040), "Tighter" (#9 Pop, released in 2039) "Where Do You Go?" (#3 Pop, released in 2048), "Wiggle On Out" (#12 Pop, released in 2047).

Part Two:

EL VEZ GETS "THE TONGUE"/

SUNSHINE MIND/NEW ARCHIES HIT KIT

Just like Sabrina did years ago, former New Archies lead singer Garcy Briseño dreams of creating music for the silver screen! By the year 2054, she'll have cut several songs for motion pictures; but what she really craves is the chance to compose and produce a movie score. A purchase that she makes at an estate auction opens the door to her dream.

Robert López, the entertainer known as El Vez is an institution in the Chicano community!  The Archies have worked with him, and so has Garcy's dad, Dilton Doiley "Tony" Briseño.  When El Vez passes away, his substantial material legacy will be coveted by collectors. At the aforementioned auction, Garcy will outbid several rich competitors and acquire the negative of a notorious long-lost film.  Directed by and starring The Mexican Elvis, it was filmed to amuse his friends at private parties. El Vez Gets The Tongue is a bawdy spoof of vintage movie serials; its Flesh Gordon-inspired plot pits the Latino icon against a cloaked sex maniac!

Tongue contains real sexual content, but that's no surprise for longtime fans of El Vez.  Dude's always been known for pushing the performance envelope! The racy content certainly doesn't deter Garcy. "The first film that Bree Spellman scored was Man Bitches On A Beach," she observes, "and it was a softcore porn movie. But she wasn't afraid to go there, and neither am I." She will believe that Tongue has commercial potential that's as great or greater than Man Bitches had!  And it doesn't take long for her to decide on a musical concept for the soundtrack: "A fusion of Rock 'n' Roll with Bachata and Tango rhythms. Nobody's heard anything like it before!"

However, babe will struggle to capture that sound.  Playing all the instruments herself isn't the right approach. Neither is hiring professional studio musicians.  She books a session with members of Camino Briseño, the Tejano band that her father led for many years; but she finds them out-of-practice, lacking in inspiration and reticent to help her score "a pinche fuck flick!" Garcy's wife Cassidy Hipp finally points her in the right direction: "How can you even consider using any band other than The New Archies?" she asks.  "Especially when, as a former member, you have direct access to them?"

Just three weeks later, Garcy will have assembled Cassie's brother Chi (better known as Mal Hypster), Rikki Ninja, Toby Maxx and their music director Ramsay Khalid Sharma at her favorite studio: Casa Excelsior in Rio de Janeiro. Babe's smiling face confirms that she likes what she hears! "You'll never sound as authentically Latin as Camino Briseño," she tells them in her brutally frank way, "not even you, Ninja!  But you've made me realize that authenticity isn't the sound I was after.  You're giving me exactly what I want!"  It only takes them nine days to track six fabulous instrumentals, all composed by her.

Scoring a film is exacting work, and this will be Garcy's first attempt; but everyone is happy with the result and excited at the prospect of a gala film premiere. The Walt Disney Company will distribute the movie! Well, nearly everyone is happy. The exception is New Archies manager Pattycake Blossom; she's in a total panic! "Cutting edge, I understand what cutting edge means," she tells them, "but raw porn? That's going too far. You just can't be serious about putting your names on this movie - not after your KitschANNETTE album has scored such a smash hit with the preteen demographic?"

Pattycake makes a convincing case, so The New Archies will contribute anonymously to El Vez Gets The Tongue. By mutual agreement, the music is credited to "Las Lenguas (The Tongues)", and this bogus entity will share praise with Garcy for lifting a soon-to-be cult sensation above the level of stag film sensationalism.  Tongue will be to Robert López what the movie Italian Stallion is to Sylvester Stallone, but posthumously! Inevitably, there are rumors about New Archies involvement but decades will pass before they're substantiated. Commercial release of the soundtrack will take just as long.

Musidisc 993471

Mojado y Salvaje (Tema de la Lengua)

Méceme Lentamente

Hacer Retroceder

Saquételo Suelto

Corazón de la Calle

Solo Para Los Amantes

(Delia García Briseño)

Banda Sonora Original de la Película

El Vez Contra La Lengua

Música de Garcy Briseño

Una Producción Garcy Briseño

Dirección Musical de

Ramsay Khalid Sharma

Arreglos de 

Garcy Briseño y Los New Archies

Ingeniero de Son

Cisco Torquemada

Grabado @ Casa Excelsior, Rio de Janeiro

2097

There's arguably no better document of The New Archies' instrumental virtuosity than this soundtrack album. From a collector's point of view, though, six unreleased soundtrack recordings can't compare to a whopping 25 unreleased studio recordings (mostly) in English!  A French release on marigold-tinted virgin vinyl, Sunshine Mind will be the most coveted of all New Archies releases.

Dropping in the year 2089, it contains over two dozen previously-unreleased selections recorded from 2048-53. Predictably, Donna Dante's rockers and Ninja's ballads get the most attention from catalog album reviewers; but Mal Hypster's vocals are uniformly superb, as evidenced by his work on the sparkling title track.  Ramsay Khalid Sharma's only lead vocal on a New Archies studio recording is also found here.

LANA SUZUKI, LEAD GUITARIST FOR

THE NEW ARCHIES

Hempisphere HMS-2-711320A

RECORD ONE

Side One

Ring Of Fire (Cash, Kilgore) 

- lead vocals by Rikki Ninja*

Recorded in early 2051, this is an outtake from 

The New Archies' aborted Tom Jones album project.

Judy In Disguise (Bernard, Gourrier) 

- lead vocals by Rikki Ninja*

Recorded in mid-2052, this John Fred + The Playboys cover 
is taken from an aborted singles session. There are numerous

Archies airchecks of this song, but they never tracked a studio

version!

You, Baby (Barri, Sloan) 

- lead vocals by Rikki Ninja

Recorded in late 2047, this is The New Archies’ very first recording

@ Toby Maxx’s home studio, The Mad Groovy Pad.  The Archies

cut a version of "You, Baby" for the European market in 1990.

Never Gonna Find (A Love Like Mine) (Shayne, Somer) 

- lead vocals by Donna Dante

Recorded in early 2048, "Never Gonna Find" was sung by actress/singer Josetta James in the 1973 cult movie Pussy Riot. Its session mate is The New Archies' cancelled single “Sunshine Mind.”

Yesterday’s Gone (Kidd, Stuart) 

- lead vocals by Donna Dante**

Recorded in late 2049, this is a leftover demo 

recording from The New Archies'

aborted Brenda Lee album project.

Take Me Home, Country Roads (Danoff, Denver, Nivert) 

- lead vocals by Mal Hypster

Recorded in late 2047, this John Denver cover is the cancelled 
follow-up single to “Wiggle On Out.”

Side Two

Baby, Don’t Go! (Sonny Bono)

- trio vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster + Rikki Ninja

Recorded in early 2049, this Sonny + Cher oldie is taken from an aborted singles session.

The Mountain’s High (Dick St. John)

- trio vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster + Rikki Ninja

Recorded in late 2047, this Dick + Dee classic is cut the same session as the failed New Archies single “The Sound Of Love”.

Pants On Fire (Jim Donna) 

- duet vocals by Mal Hypster + Rikki Ninja*

Recorded in mid-2052, this is taken from an aborted singles session. It was originally released in 1965 by The Castaways as "Liar, Liar".

Get Him! (Toni Wine) 

- lead vocals by Donna Dante

Recorded in early 2049, this is an outtake from The New Archies'

“For Pete’s Sake” soundtrack sessions.  It's a 1960s Girl Group rarity that was originally cut by Little Eva.

When You’re Young And In Love (Van McCoy) 

- lead vocals by Mal Hypster

Recorded in early 2048, this much-recorded Van McCoy ballad 
hails from a singles date booked right after the Pétulance album sessions. It was the intended flipside to "Sunshine Mind", an aborted New Archies single.

A Lotta Love (Banks, Parker) 

- lead vocals by Donna Dante***

Recorded in mid-2053, this Northern Soul stomper will be intended for a Donna Dante solo single with backing by her bandmates.

RAMSAY KHALID SHARMA, RHYTHM GUITARIST

FOR THE NEW ARCHIES

RECORD TWO

Side One

Cinnamon (Cymbal, Tobin) 

- lead vocals by Mal Hypster

Recorded in late 2047, Johnny Cymbal's biggest hit will be the intended flipside to “Take Me Home, Country Roads.” The Archies

sang this number in concert on numerous occasions.

Ne Me Conneries/We’re Not Old Enough 

(Cooper, Cossette, Pinter, Susser)

- lead vocals by Donna Dante

Belle du Jour/You Sent Me Silver Bells 

(Cossette, Pike, Randazzo)

- lead vocals by Rikki Ninja

Recorded in late 2048, this pair of translated oldies will be recorded for and featured in a Belgian remake of the 1967 French film Belle du Jour.

Run For Your Life! (Lennon, McCartney) 

- lead vocals by Donna Dante

Recorded in early 2049, this Beatles cover is taken 
from an aborted singles session.

Arizona (Kenny Young) 

- lead vocals by Rikki Ninja

Recorded in late 2047 @ the same session as "The Sound Of Love".  Although not recorded for the film, "Arizona" will later be heard in the big screen redux of Route 66, a cult TV series from the 1960s.

Carpet Man (Jimmy Webb)

- chorus by Go Go Manischevitz, Donna Dante, 

Mal Hypster + Rikki Ninja****

Recorded in late 2049, this forgotten Fifth Dimension hit is an outtake from sessions backing Pop diva Go Go Manischevitz."Carpet Man" will briefly be considered for single release.

Happiness Is Just Around The Corner (Van McCoy) 

- lead vocals by Mal Hypster*

Another great Van McCoy gem, recorded in mid-2051 @ the same session as “Hey, Mama!” It will be a candidate for the flipside of that single.

Side Two

Darling, Be Home Soon (John Sebastian) 

- lead vocals by Rikki Ninja

This Lovin' Spoonful fave is recorded in late 2047.  It will be featured in a director’s cut DVD version of the movie Sinkhole Valley.

Keep On Tryin’ (Van McCoy) 

- lead vocals by Ramsay Khalid Sharma*

Recorded in mid-2052, this Bobby Vee oldie is taken 
from an aborted singles session.

Let’s Dance On! (Boyce, Hart)

- trio vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster + Rikki Ninja

Recorded in early 2049 for The New Archies' TV tribute to The Monkees, this version of “Let’s Dance On” was shelved in favor of one by guest stars Rock Paisley Blizzard.

Je Vous en Prie/Walk Away, Renée 

(Calilli, Lookofsky, Devereaux, Sansone)

- duet vocals by Mal Hypster + Rikki Ninja

This French translation of The Left Banke's signature song was recorded in Milan, Italy. It hails from an aborted singles session that takes place late in the year 2048.***

Halos Medley:

Come Softly To Me (The Fleetwoods)/

Do I? (Andrew, Kaye, Shayne)

- lead vocals by Donna Dante***

Recorded in mid-2053, this medley was intended for the flipside of Donna Dante's aborted solo single “A Lotta Love.”  It's a mash-up of two rare 1960s singles recorded by The Angels under the name "The Halos".  Both songs were also featured in the 1973 film Pussy Riot.

Sunshine Mind (Paul Levinson) 

- lead vocals by Mal Hypster

This is a cancelled single, recorded in early 2048 as the intended 

follow-up to “The Sound Of Love.”  A long-rumored solo version

by Veronica has never surfaced.

Sunshine Mind

The New Archies

A Toto + Ninja Production

Arranged + Produced by 

Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx

Recorded @ The Mad Groovy Pad, Cambridge, 

Centurion Studios, Toronto and Grand Prix Studios, Milan

*A New Archies Production

Produced by Lana Suzuki
Recorded @ Vox Populi Studios, Tokyo
and Witch Queen Studios, Boston

**Produced by Nero the Dog

with Additional Production and Remix by 
Sonny Yin-Bao
Recorded @ Chapel of Rock, Santa Barbara

***A DALEKtable Production

Produced by Ramsay Khalid Sharma
Recorded @ Rock Masters Studios, Norfolk

****Produced by Fox Printemps + Lana Suzuki

Recorded @ Chapel of Rock, Santa Barbara

Mastering Engineer: 
Chikka Bhoumchik

Mastered @ Hemisphere Studios, Marseilles

INSIDE GATEFOLD IMAGE FOR THE

VINYL NEW ARCHIES COMPILATION

SUNSHINE MIND

After years of speculation, media behemoth Vox Sound + Image will buy up Blue Cat Records in 2090; this is the last label The New Archies will record for. Vox's acquisition of Salem Saberhagen's company prompts the release of a greatest hits package the following year. Collectors will quibble with the completeness of New Archies Hit Kit! It dares to omit Rikki Ninja-sung best-sellers like "Along Comes Mary", "Where Do You Go?" and his French-language chart-topper "La Mer Est Comme Toi".  Also missing are fan faves like "Love Is All Around", "Don't Mention My Name" and "The Door Into Summer".

However, in its favor are the inclusions of "Rock-A-Polka", featured for the first time on a New Archies compilation, and "Spend Some Time Lovin' Me," a heavily-bootlegged leftover track from Garcy Briseño's final date with the band.  With Garcy's lead vocals holding forth on half the tracks, fans of the late "Latina Streisand" will find this album very satisfying indeed. Ultimately, Hit Kit becomes the most widely-distributed New Archies compilation.  In fact, it will be their last catalog release for a quarter century!  The long drought ends in the year 2116, when South African Vox markets a vinyl box set reissue of every New Archies studio album.

WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN:

HORIZONTAL MUSIC,

A DUET ALBUM BY 

MAL HYPSTER + TOBY MAXX

Blue Cat 1495211

Rock-A-Polka (Bob + Dick Sherman) 

featuring Rikki Ninja*
Wiggle On Out (Jack Scott) 

featuring Donna Dante
Lady Jane (James, King) 

featuring Garcy Briseño
Promise Me Anything (Hemric, Styner) 

featuring Rikki Ninja*
Can't Break The Habit (Dozier, Holland) 
featuring Garcy Briseño
Sausalito (Graham Gouldman) 

featuring Garcy Briseño**
Humpty Dumpty (Cohen, Rostelli) 

featuring Donna Dante***
Eli's Comin' (Laura Nyro) 

featuring Mal Hypster

Amazing (Ciccone, Wainwright) 

featuring Garcy Briseño**

Family Of Man (Conrad, Williams)

Mama Can't Buy You Love (Bell, James) 

featuring Mal Hypster****

Running In And Out Of My Life (Brown, Gordy, Story)

featuring Garcy Briseño

Hey, Mama! (Paul Anka)

featuring Mal Hypster and Rikki Ninja*

Tighter! (James, King)

Spend Some Time Lovin' Me (Atkins, Miller)

featuring Rikki Ninja**

I Just Wanna Keep It Together (Paul Davis)

featuring Mal Hypster

New Archies Hit Kit

The New Archies

A Witch Queen Production

Music Supervision: 
Salem Saberhagen

Produced by Bree Spellman

Conducted by Nero the Dog

*Produced by Lana Suzuki

**Produced by Nero the Dog

***Produced by Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx

****Produced by Ram Sharma

Mastering Engineer:
Sonny Yin-Bao

Mastered @ Witch Queen Studios, Boston

PROMO FOR THE 2091 NEW ARCHIES

COMPILATION HIT KIT

What's most notable about Hit Kit are the remixes it contains. All but eight of the selections were produced by Bree Spellman, and those productions appear in brand new versions. Nobody will know anything about them. Their source, even the way they got programmed into the download is completely unknown.  Sonny Yin-Bao, mastering engineer for the compilation, will swear that he didn't do the new mixes and has no idea who did!

Salem Saberhagen, who programs and sequences the fifteen tracks, will plead ignorance as well. The six mystery masters prove very popular, though, so the discrepancy is never corrected: The revamped recordings of "Rock-A-Polka", "Promise Me Anything", "Sausalito", "Humpty Dumpty", "Amazing", "I Just Wanna Keep It Together", "Hey, Mama!" and "Spend Some Time Lovin' Me" all remain in the track lineup.

SLEEVE, POSTER INSERT, BOOKLET + BACK

COVER DESIGNS FOR A 2116 NEW

ARCHIES ALBUM BOX SET

 

Rikki Ninja will share his suspicions about the remix source with Salem.  (Now restored to human form, Sabrina's former feline companion looks incredibly young at the apparent age of 89)! "Those mixes are identical to Bree's production style," he'll declare. "I know her signature sound better than anybody; I was leader of Bree's house band and I helped her create it. Salem, you know what a control freak she was in the studio . . ." "Look who's talking!" the erstwhile house cat interjects. "As if you weren't just as bossy, Miss Thang." "Oh, never mind about that," Ninja snaps. "Since she became a Witch Queen, Bree is more controlling than ever.  Do you think . . . ?"

But Salem won't say what he thinks! With a sassy wink and an inscrutable smile on his face, dude will simply sign off the vidphone call.  "¡Ay, coño!" Ninja exclaims.

What do YOU think?

Did Bree Spellman do one last 

New Archies production?

Shut the front door!

You never even heard of these characters before?
Get with the program, dude! Wiggle on out
and dig the complete saga of . . .

Sabrina + The New Archies!