Mama Can't Buy You Love: Part Five
Sabrina + The New Archies
Mama Can't Buy You Love
Cartoons + Castanets presents yet another
bawdy cartoon burlesque featuring
fan art images based on
Archie Comics Characters
starring
Sabrina the Sorceress
Salem the Cat Nero the Dog
Sir Ambrose Nixon
The Abominable Miss Fang
Lyle Jason Blossom
presenting The New Archies:
Donna Dante . . . vocals, bass
Mal Hypster . . . vocals, drums, percussion
Toby Maxx . . . saxophone
Rikki Ninja . . . vocals, keyboards
Ramsay Khalid Sharma . . . rhythm guitar
Lana Suzuki . . . lead guitar
members of the original Archies
and introducing
Carmen Serna
The Wicked Witch Of New Jersey!
with cameo appearances by celebrities including
Trace Adkins, Justin Bieber, Anderson Cooper, Ron Dante,
Bruce Frey (Professor Bubblegum), Drake Jensen,
Angelo Restivo and "Flo"
Angelo Restivo and "Flo"
in adorable cartoon form
Burlesque written, directed and staged by
The story so far . . . The New Archies, a band formed in 2037 to carry forward the legacy of The Archies, has weathered numerous internal conflicts and defections. They’ve also known triumphs: Several Platinum albums, three successful concert tours, and a hit Broadway musical! Throughout its existence, the group has been plagued by Carmen Serna, a vengeful singing witch who was rejected for membership. Carmen and her husband, former New Archies drummer Frankie Fujiyama (Fuji), are now believed dead. As of the year 2051, the members are Mal Hypster (Chi), drums, percussion and vocals; Toby Maxx (Toto), saxophone; Rikki Ninja, keyboards and vocals; and Lana Suzuki (Susu), lead guitar. Soon to join the lineup as music director: Ramsay Khalid Sharma (Ram). Susu no longer tours with the band; she cares for an Alzheimer’s-stricken mother. Former guitarist Delia García (Garcy) Briseño is now a chart-topping female vocalist; former bassist Donna Dante (Dee Dee) is an up-and-coming actress. For two years, the band members have kept busy playing on other people’s recording sessions. Will they ever cut another studio album, or has too much water passed under the bridge?
Part Five:
Resurrection Shuffle
The Years 2051-2
A dance mix project left unfinished by producer Tara Nation Faws is re-imagined, downsized, and marketed as an extended-play disc. The most unique of all New Archies releases, VATOS is also destined to become their rarest and most coveted. It features six Spanish-language translations of songs originally recorded by Lesley Gore. “We became familiar with Lesley’s music around the time we cut ‘That’s The Boy’,” Rikki Ninja tells Latin music chronicle Salsa y Bembe. “I immediately recognized her as a great Habanera Rock artist! Those songs were demos for a proposed album tribute to Lesley, all en español. That’s why I’m singing most of the leads.” (Ninja didn’t sing lead on a New Archies album until 2041’s BUBBLEGUM BLITZ; the material on VATOS was cut in late 2040.)
At the demo session, the multi-instrumentalist sang and overdubbed himself playing keyboards, bass, percussion and Spanish guitar. Mal Hypster also sang and played percussion. Toby Maxx was away visiting family in Sweden, so Ninja called an old friend to sub for him. Cortez Quintanilla, who had sung on the SAY GOODBYE TO RIVERDALE soundtrack was actually better known for his instrumental skills than his voice: he was a one-man brass section on sax, trumpet, trombone and flugelhorn! "Tez" and Ninja had a ball overdubbing horn tracks. “It was an all-dudes demo date,” he recalls. “Garcy Briseño and Donna Dante weren’t in the studio that day, so calling the record VATOS makes sense!”
For her first official job as New Archies producer, Lana Suzuki remixes the tracks and adds some tasty flamenco guitar licks to “Cochinadas”. She jokes: “I was a female vato long before I joined this band!” Ninja boasts that he practically produced the session himself. “I wrote the Spanish lyrics, too. See the name ‘Fonseca’ in the song credits? ¡Soy yo! It would’ve been a bitchin’ album, but the project never got past demo stage! Bree Spellman didn’t think we could crack the Latin market.”
For her first official job as New Archies producer, Lana Suzuki remixes the tracks and adds some tasty flamenco guitar licks to “Cochinadas”. She jokes: “I was a female vato long before I joined this band!” Ninja boasts that he practically produced the session himself. “I wrote the Spanish lyrics, too. See the name ‘Fonseca’ in the song credits? ¡Soy yo! It would’ve been a bitchin’ album, but the project never got past demo stage! Bree Spellman didn’t think we could crack the Latin market.”
PROMO FOR THE 2051 NEW ARCHIES
EP VATOS, A TRIBUTE TO LESLEY
GORE SUNG ENTIRELY
IN SPANISH
Sabrina may have been right! Much to everyone’s disappointment, VATOS doesn’t chart Latin and barely charts Pop. Lana blames Republic USA for interfering in the creative process. “The record company insisted that I imitate Tara Nation Faws’ production style,” she complains. “I pitched a bloody fit, but all in vain: They still fancied her naff ‘Tarnation Falls’ sound!”
TNF favored a heavy Goth ambiance that incorporated bat squeals, zombie shuffles, ghastly moans and werewolf howls! She recorded these and other sinister noises during midnight sessions at Witch Queen Studios; Sabrina let Tara capture her “children of the night” on tape whenever there was a full moon out! Lana continues: “I had to re-create those haunted house clichés in the Mad Groovy echo chamber, and then overdub. Synchronizing them with salsa rhythms nearly drove me mad! It was an absolute bitch to do.”
TNF favored a heavy Goth ambiance that incorporated bat squeals, zombie shuffles, ghastly moans and werewolf howls! She recorded these and other sinister noises during midnight sessions at Witch Queen Studios; Sabrina let Tara capture her “children of the night” on tape whenever there was a full moon out! Lana continues: “I had to re-create those haunted house clichés in the Mad Groovy echo chamber, and then overdub. Synchronizing them with salsa rhythms nearly drove me mad! It was an absolute bitch to do.”
People found it an absolute bitch to listen to as well! “VATOS sounds like The Addams Family suffering from dengue fever,” sneers New Musical Express. “A totally fucked-up fusion record,” growls Hit Parader. Goth music devotees balk at the Latin dance elements; Latin music lovers gag on the Goth trappings. “No matter how I mixed the tracks,” Lana admits, “they still sounded shitty!” Yet the EP everybody loves to hate will prove to be 30 years ahead of its time: In the 2080s, Latin Goth Grunge records will rule Pop radio. Artists from that era will hail The New Archies as genre pioneers, and original copies of their unique Lesley Gore tribute will command upwards of $500.00 each on eBay/Craigslist!
Republic EP 11745
Cochinadas/The Bubble Broke
(Brown, Bloodworth, Crewe, Fonseca)
(Brown, Bloodworth, Crewe, Fonseca)
Vato/Boys (Anka, Fonseca)/
No Jugar Así/No Foolin’, I’m Coolin’ (Fonseca, Gore, Shaw)/
¡Ay! Cariño Mío/It’s Gotta Be You (Barkan, Fonseca, Ogerman)*/
Luz de Mi Vida/All Of My Life (Fonseca, Miller, Powers)*/
¡Escándaloso, No!/No Matter What You Do
(Fonseca, Post, St. John)
(Fonseca, Post, St. John)
Vatos
The New Archies
Canta Rikki Ninja *Canta Mal Hypster
Arreglos: Rikki Ninja
Dirección Musical: Cortez Quintanilla
Realizado por Bree Spellman
Realización y Remezcla Adicional por Lana Suzuki
#108 Pop
The failure of VATOS aside, Toto and Ninja’s new arrangement with Lana Suzuki works out well. She produces demos for their Jazz, Latin and Hip-Hop acts, often with her mother sitting right by her side. Everyone in the office helps care for Mama Shelly; the band's chauffeur Hornytoad is particularly attentive, catering to her every need. However, Mad Groovy Studios’ former chief engineer gets increasingly restless. Repeatedly, she pleads: “I want to go home to Japan! My family is waiting for me there.” Often, when Shelly Suzuki reminisces about her life before immigrating to the West, she starts to wail and cry; her daughter is unable to comfort her.
Finally, Lana asks to meet with Toby Maxx. “She’s begging to go home,” she confides. “I can’t bear to see Mum unhappy! I’m so sorry, but we’ll be leaving you after all.” He consoles her: “Don’t feel bad, Susu. I’d do the same for my mother or father. Besides, Mama Shelly may just want to visit Japan for a little while; both of you could be back here in few months.” In response to Lana’s suggestion that Mal Hypster replace her in the studio, Toto shakes his head and responds firmly: “You are still producer for The New Archies! You’re going to helm our next album, no matter what. If you can’t be where we are, then we’ll come to you!”
After bidding emotional farewells to Toto, Ninja, Corky Clayton and Hornytoad, mother and daughter climb aboard an international flight out of Boston. Looking out the window as their plane departs, Lana Suzuki struggles to hold back her tears; she has a gut feeling that Mama Shelly will never return to the USA. Babe despairs that her music career may be over for good . . . time will tell!
After bidding emotional farewells to Toto, Ninja, Corky Clayton and Hornytoad, mother and daughter climb aboard an international flight out of Boston. Looking out the window as their plane departs, Lana Suzuki struggles to hold back her tears; she has a gut feeling that Mama Shelly will never return to the USA. Babe despairs that her music career may be over for good . . . time will tell!
Three months' time, to be exact. In April, Rikki Ninja announces that he is pregnant. The father is Lyle Jason Blossom, manager for The New Archies; both parents are Transsexual (Lyle, secretly so). In her hidden sanctum, Carmen Serna takes note of this news when it surfaces on music industry blogs! “I intend to work through this pregnancy,” Ninja promises. “Right up to the end! And isn’t it about time we got busy working on our new studio album?”
The all-male trio that is now The New Archies meets up in Tokyo with Lana Suzuki for a joyous reunion! Sound engineer Corky Clayton flies over from Boston with Toto and Ninja, and Mal Hypster arrives from Nashville the same day. That evening, the band assembles at Vox Populi Studios in the bustling Shinjuku district.
The all-male trio that is now The New Archies meets up in Tokyo with Lana Suzuki for a joyous reunion! Sound engineer Corky Clayton flies over from Boston with Toto and Ninja, and Mal Hypster arrives from Nashville the same day. That evening, the band assembles at Vox Populi Studios in the bustling Shinjuku district.
Wanting to concentrate on producing vocal tracks, Lana calls in an old friend to conduct the band. “Lads, meet Ramsay Khalid Sharma. He’s amazing: This bloke can play any instrument you want to name! And he can sing, too. Ram’s going to be my music director at the sessions.” At first sight of the tall, dark and handsome Sikh musician, Mal Hypster pops an instant boner! However, everything about Ram screams Conservative and Straight, so Chi reluctantly decides not to flirt. As it turns out, the new music director isn’t so very conservative: Friendly and fun, Ram smooths over the rough edges of Lana’s patchwork production style. He’s a welcome addition to the record dates.
PROMO FOR KITSCHANNETTE, THE NINTH
STUDIO ALBUM BY THE NEW ARCHIES
Chi and Toto have not spoken in over a year. As soon as they lay eyes on one another, they both turn an icy cold shoulder. “Uh-oh,” Ninja thinks. ”It’s gonna be just like Bette Davis and Joan Crawford!” Their interactions are so chilly, the working atmosphere quickly becomes uncomfortable for everybody. Lana Suzuki decides it’s time to put her foot down!
Pulling the ex-lovers aside, she gives them an ultimatum: “No more of this, lads! I got enough group friction in Donna + The Motherf*ckers to last me a lifetime. (Lana came to the The New Archies from Donna Dante's short-lived Punk Rock trio.) I’m locking both of you up in the studio lounge for half an hour. Get whatever it is out of your systems: Fight each other! Bust a nut! I don’t care what you do. Just make it right! When you come back, leave the bullshit behind and be ready to play music together . . . or else!” “Or else, what?” they want to know. She arches an amused eyebrow at them: “Don’t make me resort to karate, lads! I can knock you both cold and have Ram overdub your instruments. And you know as well as I do Ninja won’t object to singing all the leads!”
Pulling the ex-lovers aside, she gives them an ultimatum: “No more of this, lads! I got enough group friction in Donna + The Motherf*ckers to last me a lifetime. (Lana came to the The New Archies from Donna Dante's short-lived Punk Rock trio.) I’m locking both of you up in the studio lounge for half an hour. Get whatever it is out of your systems: Fight each other! Bust a nut! I don’t care what you do. Just make it right! When you come back, leave the bullshit behind and be ready to play music together . . . or else!” “Or else, what?” they want to know. She arches an amused eyebrow at them: “Don’t make me resort to karate, lads! I can knock you both cold and have Ram overdub your instruments. And you know as well as I do Ninja won’t object to singing all the leads!”
The estranged lovers can’t help but burst out laughing after Lana leaves. “Well! I guess she read us out good and proper!” Toto chuckles. There’s an awkward moment of staring nervously at one another. Then Mal Hypster spreads his arms open wide. “It’s Hug-A-Slut Day,” he smiles. “Ya wanna, cowboy?” There’s a manly clinch. There are tears! There’s a steamy kiss. Then there are gasps, moans, clothing flung on the floor, and a naked scramble on the studio lounge couch! Exactly twenty-nine minutes later, the breathless lovers separate. “We’ve got so much to talk about,” Toby Maxx sighs, buttoning up his shirt. “But it’ll have to wait. Susu is right: We’ve totally been acting like assholes!” Mal Hypster nods as he zips up his jeans. “It’s time to get to work!”
The New Archies have decided to record a tribute to British Soul man Tom Jones. Rikki Ninja, a huge fan of “The Voice”, is the main cheerleader for this album concept. Lana Suzuki is against it from the start! “Those overwrought ballads of his,” she warns, “are not a good fit for us.” “Bullshit!”, the keyboard wizard counters. “Our ballad album sold great! Besides, I’ve been singing Tom Jones songs for years. I did “Without Love” at one of our shows in England, and it went down large!” Lana is firm: “I’m not saying your renditions aren’t good enough, Ninja. I’m saying that isn’t the sort of record our fans want to hear. We were lucky to catch the tail end of that big ballad trend, but it’s all over now. Radio is rocking out again!”
Predictably, Ninja won’t budge; but after a few botched attempts at cutting Tom Jones covers, first Toby Maxx and then Mal Hypster side with Susu. “It’s time we got back to that youth-oriented Pop sound that made our BUBBLEGUM BLITZ! album such a big hit,” Chi believes. “Who do you suggest we cover instead?” an exasperated Ninja wants to know. “Annette Funicello, maybe?” His sarcasm is completely lost on Lana Suzuki; babe loves the idea!
“Rather!” she enthuses. “Rockabilly; surf and hot rod music; frothy 1960s Girlpop; foreign-language love ballads and straight-up goon songs, all filtered through a ten-year-old’s sensibility. Exquisite idea, Ninja! Combine my Punk Rock aesthetic with the zany kind of humor you and Chi displayed singing ‘Don’t Mention My Name’, and we have a totally fresh sound for The New Archies.” Toto is quick to get on board: “It’s about time Annette Funicello’s music got recognized. She was making Bubblegum Rock long before The Ohio Express, The 1910 Fruitgum Company or The Archies! I see her as the Queen Mother of that whole genre.” Lana nods excitedly. “Let’s go for it, lads!”
Mal Hypster doesn't take much convincing, but Rikki Ninja is almost in shock; it takes dude a whole day to realize that they’re serious! Only after downloading and listening to a copy of the 90-year-old DANCE ANNETTE album can he envision how such a project will come together. “Bueno, I’m game for anything,” he decides, “as long as it’s danceable!” Ninja buckles down to the challenge of interpreting the song catalog of Walt Disney’s most famous Mouseketeer!
Mal Hypster doesn't take much convincing, but Rikki Ninja is almost in shock; it takes dude a whole day to realize that they’re serious! Only after downloading and listening to a copy of the 90-year-old DANCE ANNETTE album can he envision how such a project will come together. “Bueno, I’m game for anything,” he decides, “as long as it’s danceable!” Ninja buckles down to the challenge of interpreting the song catalog of Walt Disney’s most famous Mouseketeer!
The new album will be called KitschANNETTE! It features Mal Hypster and Rikki Ninja singing lyrics written for and originally sung by a girl. Their decision to keep gender pronouns intact will upset some people! When asked about it later, Chi is matter-of-fact in his reply: “We are a (mostly) male group paying tribute to a female artist. It would be sexist for us to change the gender orientation of her song repertoire, not to mention a huge pain in the ass! Besides, Toto, Ninja and I are all same-gender-loving men. It’s only natural for us to do love songs about boys!” Ninja concurs. “If people want to say this is a Gay record,” he shrugs, “it’s fine with me. What’s wrong with that?”
With no women singing lead vocals, Lana Suzuki jokes that KitschANNETTE is “the most bloodcurdlingly masculine album The New Archies have ever released!” However, there are female singers on the new record: Three of them! Chi, Toto and Ninja get vocal support from Clitoris Club, one of the most popular girl groups in Japan. Hearing their name for the first time, Chi exclaims: “What the fuck? Are they a Lesbian consciousness-raising group?”
Lana explains: “May, Kay and Fay didn’t speak English very well when they named themselves. They had no idea what a clitoris was! They just loved the sound of the word, so much so that they took it for a professional surname.” “I know what a clitoris is,” Ninja smirks. “After all, I’ve got one! I know how they taste, too. ¡Me gusta! Salem Saberhagen said it best, back when he was still Sabrina’s cat: A little pussy won’t hurt you!” Lana playfully tugs his ear. “Hands off, you randy bastard!” she scolds. “They’re still teenagers! But you’ll really enjoy working with them. Those chipmunk voices of theirs are just adorable!”
Lana explains: “May, Kay and Fay didn’t speak English very well when they named themselves. They had no idea what a clitoris was! They just loved the sound of the word, so much so that they took it for a professional surname.” “I know what a clitoris is,” Ninja smirks. “After all, I’ve got one! I know how they taste, too. ¡Me gusta! Salem Saberhagen said it best, back when he was still Sabrina’s cat: A little pussy won’t hurt you!” Lana playfully tugs his ear. “Hands off, you randy bastard!” she scolds. “They’re still teenagers! But you’ll really enjoy working with them. Those chipmunk voices of theirs are just adorable!”
Republic 51-198
Hey, Mama!/Canzone D’Amore
(Paul Anka)/(Bob + Dick Sherman)
The New Archies
featuring Mal Hypster and Rikki Ninja/
The New Archies featuring Rikki Ninja
Produced by Lana Suzuki
#39 Pop
She puts those voices to good use on a Rockabilly track from La Funicello’s 1960 ANNETTE SINGS ANKA album. Released as a DVD single, “Hey, Mama!” is unlike anything else in The New Archies’ catalog! Lana Suzuki gives the song a slammin’ Punk Rock makeover: The cacophony of overdubbed sound includes school bells ringing; glass breaking; police sirens blaring; her own lead guitar roaring away; Ramsay Khalid Sharma’s blistering bass licks; Mal Hypster’s pounding tom-toms; a truly demented Toby Maxx sax solo; and shrieking background vocals by Clitoris Club! Holding their own in the raucous mix, Chi and Ninja sing decidedly belligerent duet vocals. “Hey, Mama!” rises to #39 on the Pop charts; not a huge hit, but an encouraging sign that there’s an audience for what promises to be a very off-the-wall music project!
FRONT + BACK COVER DESIGN
FOR THE NEW ARCHIES' 2052
ALBUM KITSCHANNETTE
Unfortunately, the Annette tribute album sinks like a stone in the ocean when released. “My second failed New Archies production!” Lana groans. “I’m batting zero for two!” Republic Records isn't sure how to market the disc, and it gets very mixed reviews; fans and critics either love it or loathe it! However, those who love it are simply ecstatic in their praise. One of the disc’s biggest boosters turns out to be Sabrina’s rich and eccentric cousin, Sir Ambrose Nixon. A veteran Broadway director, Sir Ambrose worked with The New Archies on Don't Touch My Guitar, a hit Broadway musical. He's remained close to the band members, especially Toto and Chi (with whom he occasionally has three-way sex)! He contacts the group to congratulate them: “Lads, you’ve scored an artistic coup! Never have I heard such a brilliant blend of music and comedy.”
Toby Maxx is grateful: “I’m glad you think so, Rosie, but the new album isn’t selling at all. Our fans don’t seem to know what to make of it! KitschANNETTE is a complete commercial washout for us.” The director/sorceror bristles with outrage at the news! “A washout? Not if I can help it!” he snaps. “This record is a fucking camp classic just waiting to be discovered; and I’ve got an idea that will make that discovery happen sooner rather than later! Just leave it to me.”
Sir Ambrose is as good as his word: In less than three months' time, he conceives, stages and choreographs a stage show to showcase the sixteen songs. He also finances the elaborate production largely out of his own pocket! Seemingly overnight, props are constructed, costumes are rented, lighting displays are designed, an audio system is customized, 3-D animated sequences are programmed, and dozens of singing and dancing extras are hired. The New Archies’ subsequent kitschANNETTE tour is a super-campy combination of Bette Midler-style burlesque (toned down to a family-friendly level), Mickey Mouse Club hijinks and Cirque du Soleil dazzle. Touring North America and selected venues in Europe, it becomes an international sensation!
Over-the-top performances tumble one after the other: Mal Hypster emerges from a giant can of fruit cocktail to sing "Pineapple Princess"! “Dance Annette” is staged inside a surreal malt shop amidst breakdancing spoons and giant bottles of syrup spurting their contents everywhere. For "Walkin' And Talkin'", Toby Maxx matches choreography with a quartet of elderly men on candy-striped walkers! A chorus line of life-sized dashboard hula dolls shake and shimmy to “The Strummin’ Song.” Rikki Ninja brings down the house impersonating Groucho Marx while a klezmer band in drag plays “Rock-A-Polka”!
Sir Ambrose texts Lana Suzuki back in Tokyo with an urgent message: “Get ‘Rock-A-Polka’ released as a single! That song has them prancing up and down the aisles every night.” Corky Clayton’s subsequent single mix of the Tejano-flavored dance number goes Top Five in seven countries! By then, KitschANNETTE has zoomed up the North American charts, landing in the Top spot for three weeks!
Republic USA-5138
Dance Annette (Bob + Dick Sherman)*
Walkin’ And Talkin’ (Manning, Twomey)*
Hey, Mama! (Paul Anka)***
Promise Me Anything (Hemric, Styner)***
First Name Initial (Kalmanoff, Schroeder)*
Pineapple Princess (Bob + Dick Sherman)*
Draggin’ USA (Christian, Usher)***
Jo-Jo, The Dog-Faced Boy (Roberts, Sherman)*
The Strummin’ Song (Bob + Dick Sherman)*
Train Of Love (Paul Anka)***
O Dio Mio (Hoffman, Manning)**
He’s My Ideal (Camarata, Dunham)**
Tall Paul (Roberts, Sherman)***
Surfer’s Holiday (Christian, Usher, Wilson)**
Dreamin’ About You (Goffin, King)*
Annette’s Rockin’ Medley:
Rock-A-Cha/Rock-A-Polka
(Bob + Dick Sherman)*
KitschAnnette!
A Toast to Annette Funicello-Holt
The New Archies
with Clitoris Club
*Lead Vocals by Mal Hypster
**Lead Vocals by Rikki Ninja
***Duet Vocals by Mal Hypster and Rikki Ninja
Music Supervision:
Lyle Jason Blossom
A New Archies Production
Vocal Arrangements by Mal Hypster
Rhythm Arranged by Rikki Ninja
Brass Arranged by Toby Maxx
Conducted by Ramsay Khalid Sharma
Produced by Lana Suzuki
Recorded @ Vox Populi Studios, Tokyo
Sound Engineer: Corky Clayton
#1 Top Albums
2052
Republic 51-496
Rock-A-Polka/Blue Muu Muu
(Bob + Dick Sherman)/(Jack Pitman)
The New Archies featuring Rikki Ninja/
The New Archies featuring Mal Hypster
Produced by Lana Suzuki
#2 Pop/#109 Pop
Although pleased by the album’s belated success, Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx have mixed feelings about it. Will this campy repertoire and stage presentation pigeonhole the band? Will The New Archies be transformed into a kids’ novelty act? Will they lose their older fans? Instead of their usual 14 - 35 demographic, concert appearances are drawing mostly toddlers and their parents. There’s also a larger and much more flamboyant Gay contingent than usual. Surveying the SRO crowd one night, a roadie exclaims: “Holy shit! It looks just like a Village People concert!”
Mal Hypster has no such reservations about the music or the audience. Whether in the studio or a live setting, he gets a thrill out of performing songs like “Tall Paul”, “Pineapple Princess”, “First Name Initial” and “Jo-Jo, The Dog-Faced Boy”! His high tenor voice fits novelty tunes like sky fits Heaven. What’s more, the positive response he gets from children in the audience fills him with an elation he’s never known before.
Ninja is usually the one generating hysteria on stage, and "Rock-A-Polka" is definitely a show-stopper; but during most of the show, Chi has thousands of screaming kids eating from the palm of his hand! Many begin sporting mini-me versions of the goofy pineapple hat he wears on stage. Halfway through the tour, dude experiences an epiphany: He’s found his musical niche at last! “I’ve got a natural affinity for children’s music!” Chi gasps. “After all this time trying to be a Country music star. Who knew?”
Ninja is usually the one generating hysteria on stage, and "Rock-A-Polka" is definitely a show-stopper; but during most of the show, Chi has thousands of screaming kids eating from the palm of his hand! Many begin sporting mini-me versions of the goofy pineapple hat he wears on stage. Halfway through the tour, dude experiences an epiphany: He’s found his musical niche at last! “I’ve got a natural affinity for children’s music!” Chi gasps. “After all this time trying to be a Country music star. Who knew?”
THE KITSCHANNETTE TOUR: FAMILY-
FRIENDLY ONSTAGE, RAW +
RAUNCHY BACKSTAGE!
And that’s not all Mal Hypster has to be happy about: One night near the end of the tour, Toby Maxx drops to one knee and proposes marriage onstage. “I want to be your Tall Paul," he pleads. "Will you be my Pineapple Princess forever?” The crowd goes nutso! Watching from the wings, Sir Ambrose Nixon is overjoyed that his longtime “friends with benefits” are finally getting hitched. He celebrates their engagement the best way he knows how: By having ménage à trois sex with Chi and Toto one last time!
This questionable encounter initiates a series of backstage orgies which reach fever pitch as the tour winds down; soon, there are hot-and-cold-running male groupies for Chi, Toto, Sir Ambrose and Hornytoad to take their pick of! The pansexual Sir Ambrose gets serviced by a few female groupies, too. “I’m a bangers and mash man most of the time,” he snickers, “but I do fancy a bite of fish ‘n’ chips every now and then!”
This questionable encounter initiates a series of backstage orgies which reach fever pitch as the tour winds down; soon, there are hot-and-cold-running male groupies for Chi, Toto, Sir Ambrose and Hornytoad to take their pick of! The pansexual Sir Ambrose gets serviced by a few female groupies, too. “I’m a bangers and mash man most of the time,” he snickers, “but I do fancy a bite of fish ‘n’ chips every now and then!”
The very worldly (and just as Chi discerned, very heterosexual) Ramsay Khalid Sharma finds himself shocked at the libidinous goings-on. Touring with the show as music director and lead guitarist, Ram has a hard time keeping his eyes in their sockets! "The atmosphere during the show is never less than G-rated,” he reports to Lana Suzuki, “but after the show is over, it’s XXX all the way! I see people doing their Nasty on benches, chairs, tabletops, even amplifier cases! You don’t dare bend over. Those dudes act like a herd of rutting stags! Would you believe they’re even shagging the security guards?" "Well, one can never be too secure, can one?" she quips.
Although Toby Maxx takes part in most of the debauchery, his heart isn’t in it. Watching his fiancé pig out on sex with other men makes him feel miserable! When alone, Toto often falls off the Alcoholics Anonymous wagon. One morning, Hornytoad catches him on the tour bus drowning his sorrows in shot glasses of Southern Comfort. "I could see this coming a mile off," Toad sighs.
Although Toby Maxx takes part in most of the debauchery, his heart isn’t in it. Watching his fiancé pig out on sex with other men makes him feel miserable! When alone, Toto often falls off the Alcoholics Anonymous wagon. One morning, Hornytoad catches him on the tour bus drowning his sorrows in shot glasses of Southern Comfort. "I could see this coming a mile off," Toad sighs.
Sensibly, pregnant Rikki Ninja steers clear of orgies and concentrates on his prenatal health: Wolfing down folic acid tabs, eating a strict vegetarian diet, and retiring to his bunk no more than hour after each concert. In Kansas City, on the last night of the tour, dude goes into labor! “Ladies and gentlemen,” Mal Hypster announces from the stage, “I have good news and bad news! Rikki Ninja won’t be performing tonight. Don’t worry, he’s fine! It’s just that he’s busy welcoming his first child into the world.” Hearty cheers and applause erupt from every corner of Sprint Center!
But not everyone shares the joy. After the keyboard wizard is rushed to St. Luke’s Northland Hospital, Carmen Serna materializes on the maternity unit's roof. The Wicked Witch of New Jersey has been monitoring Ninja’s pregnancy from afar; now she means to terminate it! With her ebony curls whipping wildly in the wind and her coal eyes blazing fury, the evil sorceress screams a rasping curse into the night: The child must die!
Ten agonizing hours later, a tear drops slowly down the maternity nurse's cheek as she looks at a lifeless fetus lying on the gurney. "It's so sad when they're stillborn like this," Nurse Flo sobs. "It would've been twice as sad if we'd lost the mother," Doctor Angelo Restivo reminds her, "but he was able to pull through, thank God. Snap out of it, nurse! You've got to keep a stiff upper lip for when you break the bad news to Mr. Fonseca." The nurse nods, wipes her eyes and turns back to the birthing chair where Rikki Ninja lies unconscious. The labor was so difficult that, even with an epidural, dude fainted from the excruciating pain!
Glancing over in the corner of the room, the nurse is startled to see a tall, platinum blonde woman in a long black dress, with a poodle standing next to her! She starts to cry out, but a burst of rainbow colors flashes before her eyes! She is momentarily blinded. When her vision returns, all the lights have gone out in the birthing room. Doctor Restivo’s voice rings out in the darkness: "A fuse must have blown! The back-up generator should kick in soon."
Suddenly, the whining cry of a baby cuts through the air! In the next second, lights are restored. Nurse Flo rushes over to the gurney; she can't believe her eyes! The fetus’s skin, tinged blue just moments ago, is now a bright, rosy pink. It is in the act of yelling its tiny lungs out, and its legs are pumping furiously! "Doctor!" the nurse cries. "It's a miracle! This baby is alive!"
Suddenly, the whining cry of a baby cuts through the air! In the next second, lights are restored. Nurse Flo rushes over to the gurney; she can't believe her eyes! The fetus’s skin, tinged blue just moments ago, is now a bright, rosy pink. It is in the act of yelling its tiny lungs out, and its legs are pumping furiously! "Doctor!" the nurse cries. "It's a miracle! This baby is alive!"
NERO THE DOG IS REBORN AS
A HUMAN CHILD
Five days later, Rikki Ninja lies happily in a hospital bed, cradling his newborn son. Surrounding the proud mother are Mal Hypster, Toby Maxx, Hornytoad and “baby daddy” Lyle Jason Blossom. Also in the room is The New Archies’ close friend and former producer, Bree Spellman. "Why, he's as cute as a poodle puppy," Bree coos with a twinkle in her eye. "I don't know why, Sabrina," Rikki says, "but I have the strangest feeling that I've seen this child before somewhere . . . somehow! I guess that’s just how you feel after having a baby."
Checking on the new father and child, Nurse Flo walks into the room. When her eyes spy Bree, she suppresses a gasp! "It's the same woman I saw in the birthing room!" she thinks. Sabrina smiles broadly at her, and gestures toward the bed. Flo Koop will tell this story for years to come: "I looked at the Blossom baby, and it was gazing directly at me. I swear, it winked one of its little eyes, waved its tiny hand and grinned! I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say . . ." Bree gives Ninja a nappy emblazoned with the name Nero. Over time, it becomes a (very appropriate!) nickname for little Fender Carlyle Blossom.
Republic 51-711
Promise Me Anything/Waikiki
(Hemric, Styner)/(Christian, Usher)
The New Archies featuring Rikki Ninja
Produced by Lana Suzuki
#10 Pop/#79 Pop
KitschANNETTE is nominated Best Rock Album! It loses to Crackhead Mama’s COCAINE INSANE, but The New Archies still manage to turn the 2052 Grammy Awards inside-out: They perform an unhinged live version of “Hey, Mama!” accompanied by a troupe of slam-dancing Disney characters! Their consolation prize is a second Top Ten single culled from the Annette tribute. More adult-oriented than the other selections, “Promise Me Anything” is a jazzy finger-popper that drips Rat Pack-era cool! Rikki Ninja swings the lead vocal hard while Mal Hypster be-bops prominently in the background.
Jazz band veteran Toby Maxx is justifiably proud of the arrangement he wrote, and its success makes him breathe a sigh of relief. “This hit reminds our fans that we’re not a kiddie act”, he believes. “Waikiki”, the non-album flipside, isn't children's music, either: The New Archies present this ‘60s surf rocker in a traditional Hawaiian arrangement, complete with ipu gourds and steel guitars. Ninja sings lead on this number, too, a whole octave higher than his normal range! “The baby was kicking,” he later reveals. “I never could have hit those notes otherwise!”
In the fall of 2052, Sabrina and her wife Heather are called away from the earthly dimension. Mandated to live in the Sorcerer’s Realm, they’ll remain there for the duration of Bree’s Witch Queen tenure. Salem Saberhagen breaks the news to all her friends, as there was no time to say goodbye. “I’m going to miss Bree so much,” Donna Dante sighs. “She’s like the mother I never had!”
On Sabrina’s behalf, Salem announces her sudden retirement from the music business: “After pursuing a stellar career, Bree Spellman is ready to enjoy the fruits of her labor. She and Heather plan to enjoy the rest of their lives in a remote locale, far from the stresses and strains of the world!” Some of those stresses are sure to fall on his shoulders: Sabrina has left Salem in charge of Witch Queen Recording Studios!
On Sabrina’s behalf, Salem announces her sudden retirement from the music business: “After pursuing a stellar career, Bree Spellman is ready to enjoy the fruits of her labor. She and Heather plan to enjoy the rest of their lives in a remote locale, far from the stresses and strains of the world!” Some of those stresses are sure to fall on his shoulders: Sabrina has left Salem in charge of Witch Queen Recording Studios!
The Year 2053
Given Mal Hypster’s insatiable sexual appetite, another break-up with Toby Maxx is inevitable. “Why shouldn’t I shag other guys?” Chi demands during one of their more heated arguments. “Lately, you’re so drunk, you can’t even get it up! Where's the damn beef? I need a stud, not a bottle baby!" Enraged curses ("You're a perverted Jew and a skanky Black bitch") send Chi running from the Mad Groovy Pad in tears! Almost immediately, Toto regrets his hurtful words: “Come back, Malachi! Please forgive me; I didn’t mean it!” But both Mal Hypster and his Groove-A-Cycle are far down the road. Upset, depressed, and weary of constant bickering, Chi decides to pay an extended visit to his older brother in Riverdale.
CHI + TOTO BREAK UP AGAIN
. . . FOR GOOD?
Jesse Hipp is the longtime president of Riverdale Music Academy, founded in 2017 by Veronica and Archie Andrews. One afternoon, he takes Chi on a tour of the Academy archives. They stumble upon a long-forgotten cache of song demos, all written and sung by songwriter Neil Brian Goldberg. “This is children’s music,” Jess notes. “I remember Veronica telling me about it. The Archies recorded these tunes live for the third season of their cartoon series."
Chi nods. "They're on a rare Archie Fan Club album called SONGS FROM THE GIANT JUKEBOX. It's one of my most prized possessions! Can I listen to some of these?" They take an armful to Jesse's office, where he presses a button, a corner of his desk flips over and a state-of-the-art turntable appears. Chi switches it on and plays a Neil Goldberg tune called “Love Vibrations.” Then another called “(I’m Just) Your Puppet On A String”. After that, “Fallin’ In Love Is Fun”. He turns to Jesse. “Man, I really dig Neil's music! I wish I could write songs like that, but my stuff sucks big-time."
Jesse frowns and shakes his head. "Remember when we used to write together? Your melodies didn't suck; they were damn good! But lyrics were never your strength; that was always my department." Before Chi leaves the Academy that day, he and his brother agree to collaborate on some new songs. Over the next two weeks, they finish eighteen tunes! For the first time in years, Chi is creating music from his heart again. It sounds totally different from his failed Country material, and he couldn't be more excited. "Dude, you've found your musical niche," Jesse declares. "You should've been writing kid's music all along!" Mal Hypster returns to Boston with a taped demo of his own, along with a concept for his first solo album.
Jesse frowns and shakes his head. "Remember when we used to write together? Your melodies didn't suck; they were damn good! But lyrics were never your strength; that was always my department." Before Chi leaves the Academy that day, he and his brother agree to collaborate on some new songs. Over the next two weeks, they finish eighteen tunes! For the first time in years, Chi is creating music from his heart again. It sounds totally different from his failed Country material, and he couldn't be more excited. "Dude, you've found your musical niche," Jesse declares. "You should've been writing kid's music all along!" Mal Hypster returns to Boston with a taped demo of his own, along with a concept for his first solo album.
Eagerly, he videophones Lana Suzuki in Tokyo and requests that she produce it. “I’m sorry, but Mum’s health has taken a turn for the worse!” she informs him. “I’m spending nearly all my time with her now." They discuss Mama Shelly's condition at some length. Just before signing off, Lana has a suggestion: "Why don’t you produce the album yourself, Chi? You have as much production skill as Toto and Ninja, if not more.” Dude isn't thrilled with the idea, but she urges him to reconsider. “I know you can do it, lad!" she insists. "If you want to cut the sessions at Vox Populi Studios, let me know when you’re ready. I’ll book them for you and get Clitoris Club to sing background, too.”
One week after Chi’s phone call, Shelly Suzuki suffers a massive stroke! Surrounded by family, she dies peacefully at her ancestral home. When they hear the sad news, The New Archies and all of Toby Maxx’s Mad Groovy staff are heartbroken. After the private funeral ceremony, her daughter feels alone and depressed. Consoling Susu over the phone, Toto urges: “Return to the USA, my darling! Why stay in Japan? That was never your home. We love you and we want you back here.”
Lana Suzuki does return to Boston, but not to Toto + Ninja Productions. She finds a brand new job waiting: Salem Saberhagen wants her to take over operations of Witch Queen Studios! She accepts the job, and in turn hires Corky Clayton to replace Yvonne Remy as chief engineer. The daughter of Republic Records' former CEO Alexandra Cabot and producer Alan Mayberry is leaving Boston. “Yvie has worked on so many award-winning film soundtracks, Disney Studios wants her to take over their music division,” Lana explains to her former bosses. “After 20 years of cutting sessions for Sabrina and Salem, she’s finally ready to move on.” They harbor no hard feelings. "Corky is a fucking awesome engineer, and he deserves that gig," Ninja says. Sarah Kurko takes Corky's place; she’s a young neo-Hip-Hop artist that Toto and Ninja have been mentoring.
Mal Hypster approaches Lana a second time, but she again declines to produce him. “Sabrina left a huge backlog of clients,” she reveals. “My schedule is booked up for two years! As it happens, I’m producing a record for Dee Dee right now.” Before leaving The New Archies to pursue acting in 2049, Donna Dante had asked Lana Suzuki to supervise her first solo album. "I can't say just when I'll get around to cutting it," she speculated. "Hopefully, within the next five years!"
The year turns out to be 2053. During an interview for the Pop Culture Cantina podcast, Dee Dee reveals her intention to cut a Disco record: "I never hated Disco, but I wasn't really into it, either. Then I started hanging out with street drag queens. They'd have these mix tapes of music from the '70s and be like: 'Girl, listen to this . . .' Even though I knew Disco would never be my main style, I got into the groove. I fell in love with those wailing Gospel vocals, funky bass lines, swirling strings and that awesome Latin percussion! I even took the name "Donna' after Donna Summer, who's one of my role models."
She continues: "Dance music is all about producers and remixers, and a dude named Paul Sabu was my favorite. He scored hits with Ann-Margret, Gwen Jonãe and Debbie Jacobs-Rock, who I was absolutely crazy about! So I'm gonna cut me some Sabu Disco but you can be sure I'll bring my Punk Rock sensibility to it." There’s much paparazzi on hand when the strawberry-blond starlet falls up at Witch Queen Studios to cut her solo tracks!
The year turns out to be 2053. During an interview for the Pop Culture Cantina podcast, Dee Dee reveals her intention to cut a Disco record: "I never hated Disco, but I wasn't really into it, either. Then I started hanging out with street drag queens. They'd have these mix tapes of music from the '70s and be like: 'Girl, listen to this . . .' Even though I knew Disco would never be my main style, I got into the groove. I fell in love with those wailing Gospel vocals, funky bass lines, swirling strings and that awesome Latin percussion! I even took the name "Donna' after Donna Summer, who's one of my role models."
She continues: "Dance music is all about producers and remixers, and a dude named Paul Sabu was my favorite. He scored hits with Ann-Margret, Gwen Jonãe and Debbie Jacobs-Rock, who I was absolutely crazy about! So I'm gonna cut me some Sabu Disco but you can be sure I'll bring my Punk Rock sensibility to it." There’s much paparazzi on hand when the strawberry-blond starlet falls up at Witch Queen Studios to cut her solo tracks!
PROMO FOR DEE DEE'S FIRST SOLO
ALBUM, A DISCO FUSION RECORD
CALLED RED LIGHT ROCK
+ ROLL
Delighted to learn that their ex-bandmate is back in New England, Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx text her: We want to work on your album, too! “We’ll shuffle some Crackhead Mama studio dates to accommodate you,” Ninja promises. When Dee Dee walks into the Mad Groovy Pad, she immediately misses Mal Hypster’s giant Afro hairstyle. “Where’s Chi?” she wants to know. “We’re not living together anymore,” Toto mumbles, “but I hear he’s in town.” “Well, you'd better find him and get his country-singing ass over here!” she demands. “I need his help with my vocal arrangements.” A warm, Donna Dante wraparound hug greets Chi when he arrives. “Even when I ride solo,” she grins, “I want all my posse with me! Let’s go blend some harmony, dude.” So Mal Hypster ends up working on Dee Dee’s album instead of his own, and her second solo outing is a full New Archies collaboration, just like her first one was (the 2041 single “S.O.S. Heart In Distress”).
Hollywood’s newest rising star has just finished filming the lead role in Get Christie Love! It’s the big screen version of a cult TV series from the mid-1970s. Ramsay Khalid Sharma is a fan of both the show and Donna Dante! He begs Lana Suzuki to let him take part in the recording sessions: “I love Paul Sabu productions! I used to be in a boy band, and we'd sing Ann-Margret's "Hold Me, Squeeze Me." I can arrange Sabu's Disco songs in a contemporary style but keep that Seventies vibe Donna likes."
When Ram and Dee Dee meet, fireworks go off for both of them! “OMG! He’s just gorgeous,” she thinks. “Does he eat pussy? He can eat mine right now!” Similarly spicy thoughts are running through his mind. When Dee Dee’s lustrous long hair brushes his shoulder, Ram spontaneously creams in his jeans! “Excuse me,” he stammers, rushing off to the men’s room in embarrassment. Later, singer and music director spend beaucoup time huddled in a corner, supposedly fine-tuning song arrangements. “You two can’t fool me,” Susu scolds. “Stop mucking about! Studio time’s being wasted.”
When Ram and Dee Dee meet, fireworks go off for both of them! “OMG! He’s just gorgeous,” she thinks. “Does he eat pussy? He can eat mine right now!” Similarly spicy thoughts are running through his mind. When Dee Dee’s lustrous long hair brushes his shoulder, Ram spontaneously creams in his jeans! “Excuse me,” he stammers, rushing off to the men’s room in embarrassment. Later, singer and music director spend beaucoup time huddled in a corner, supposedly fine-tuning song arrangements. “You two can’t fool me,” Susu scolds. “Stop mucking about! Studio time’s being wasted.”
NUDE SELFIE OF RAM SAVED IN
DEE DEE'S VIDEOPHONE
GALLERY
Philles 00194
Shake Your Bait/What I Do To Men*
(Paul Sabu)
Donna Dante
A New Archies Production
Produced by Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
Produced by Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
*Produced by Lana Suzuki
#71 Pop
#71 Pop
The couple’s subsequent dates are 10% giddy conversation, 10% lovesick gazing into each other's eyes, 30% animal lust and 50% mutual love of music. After having sex, they often sing together in bed. Ram’s gravelly voice blends nicely with Dee Dee’s sturdy alto. “We sound so great together,” Ram notes, “we should form a duet act!” She agrees: “Naturally, we’ll name it Sharmante! They’ll call us the new Sonny and Cher.” The notion is quickly forgotten as Ram turns his full attention to Dee Dee's hungry clit! Even so, the seed of a musical partnership has been sown. In time, they will appear on stage together.
The first "Sharmante" collaboration, Dee Dee's RED LIGHT ROCK + ROLL album, fails to set the world on fire. It rates lots of club airplay but sales are lackluster. "Nothing but a damn 'turntable' hit," she grumbles. However, Donna Dante is a major cult figure, so regardless of how her recordings chart they become instant collector's items! Enduring interest in her Rock/Disco stylings will prompt director Mary Burke to recycle several in her hit 2096 film The File On Stormy Foster. The soundtrack album will go Platinum, largely on the strength of their inclusion.
Philles PM12X1
Shake Your Bait - Menopause Mix/
Shake Your Bait - Extended Remix/
What I Do To Men - Radio Remix*/
Red Light Rocker*
(Paul Sabu)
Shake Your Bait!
Donna Dante
Shake Your Bait - Menopause Mix/
Shake Your Bait - Extended Remix/
What I Do To Men - Radio Remix*/
Red Light Rocker*
(Paul Sabu)
Shake Your Bait!
Donna Dante
A New Archies Production
Produced by Rikki Ninja + Toby Max
*Produced by Lana Suzuki
#17 Dance
*Produced by Lana Suzuki
#17 Dance
Philles 06711
Destiny
Love Rush
Shotgun
Midnight Message
Love Rush
Shotgun
Midnight Message
Help Me Love Again
Undercover Lover*
What I Do To Men*
Hot! Hot! (Give It All Ya Got)*
Hold Me, Squeeze Me*
What I Do To Men*
Hot! Hot! (Give It All Ya Got)*
Hold Me, Squeeze Me*
Red Light Rocker*
(Paul Sabu)
(Paul Sabu)
Disco Songs by Sabu
Red Light Rock + Roll
Donna Dante
with Clitoris Club
Music Supervision: Donna Dante
A New Archies Production
Vocal Arrangements by Mal Hypster
Arranged + Conducted by Rikki Ninja
Produced by Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
Arranged + Conducted by Rikki Ninja
Produced by Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
*Arranged + Conducted by
Ramsay Khalid Sharma
Produced by Lana Suzuki
Recorded @ The Mad Groovy Pad, Cambridge
and Witch Queen Studios, Boston
Sound Engineers:
Corky Clayton and Sarah Kurko
#92 Top Albums
2053
Transition is proving very difficult for Lyle Jason Blossom! Numerous times, he's tried to embrace his true gender identity. At the last minute, he always backs down: The prospect of life without his male façade is just too frightening! After three frustrating years of counseling, he despairs: "It feels like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place!" Boyfriend Rikki Ninja counsels patience: “Don’t push yourself too hard, mamacita. You’ll know if and when you’re ready to make the change.”
The New Archies’ aborted Tom Jones album morphs into a solo project for Ninja: Toby Maxx produces an record that strikes a balance between soulful up tempo numbers and the “overwrought ballads” Lana Suzuki cautioned against recording. Standout tracks include “Not Responsible”, “Daughter Of Darkness”, “Key To My Heart” and “Can’t Stop Loving You.” Mal Hypster writes all the vocal arrangements, and comes up with a bitchin’ album title: NINJA . . . IN A TOM JONES GROOVE! “I’ve got an idea for promoting this record,” the singer/keyboardist tells Chi, “that’s a little bit unorthodox.”
The New Archies’ aborted Tom Jones album morphs into a solo project for Ninja: Toby Maxx produces an record that strikes a balance between soulful up tempo numbers and the “overwrought ballads” Lana Suzuki cautioned against recording. Standout tracks include “Not Responsible”, “Daughter Of Darkness”, “Key To My Heart” and “Can’t Stop Loving You.” Mal Hypster writes all the vocal arrangements, and comes up with a bitchin’ album title: NINJA . . . IN A TOM JONES GROOVE! “I’ve got an idea for promoting this record,” the singer/keyboardist tells Chi, “that’s a little bit unorthodox.”
PROMO FOR NINJA'S FIRST SOLO ALBUM
Dude isn’t kidding: He scandalizes the entertainment industry with a nude promo shot that exposes his female genitalia! Ninja conceives the photo and its accompanying plea for Transsexual rights as a combined political and artistic statement. “Since joining The New Archies, I’ve led a charmed life; but the same isn’t true for most other Transpersons in this bigoted world of ours,” he explains to the press. “I want to do what I can to raise consciousness. Subtlety has its place, but so does the naked truth!” Ninja will be adamant that his vagina be the focus of the picture; he calls phalloplasties and other attempts to construct fake penises for Transmen "cruel butchery."
Long a role model for Transsexual musicians, Ninja’s activist stance now elevates his status to worldwide LGBT icon! Close to home, Lyle Jason Blossom takes courage from his lover's bold declaration: "You've shown me how to be brave! And I promise you, I'm going to be, too." Sales of Ninja's solo album lag stateside, but both it and the nude promo cause a sensation across the Atlantic! NINJA . . . goes Top Ten in France, Spain, Germany, Belgium and Switzerland! A non-album single, “Resurrection Shuffle” burns up the Pan-European charts; refitted with a neo-Hip Hop arrangement, the song will open his first solo tour.
Long a role model for Transsexual musicians, Ninja’s activist stance now elevates his status to worldwide LGBT icon! Close to home, Lyle Jason Blossom takes courage from his lover's bold declaration: "You've shown me how to be brave! And I promise you, I'm going to be, too." Sales of Ninja's solo album lag stateside, but both it and the nude promo cause a sensation across the Atlantic! NINJA . . . goes Top Ten in France, Spain, Germany, Belgium and Switzerland! A non-album single, “Resurrection Shuffle” burns up the Pan-European charts; refitted with a neo-Hip Hop arrangement, the song will open his first solo tour.
Republic 54-1006
Resurrection Shuffle/A Minute Of Your Time
(Tony Ashton)/(Clive Westlake)
Ninja
Arranged and Conducted by Rikki Ninja
Produced by Toby Maxx
#67 Pop/#103 Bubbling Under
Republic DVLP-00071
Once Upon A Time (Gordon Mills)
With These Hands (Davis, Silver)
Help Yourself! (Donida, Fishman, Rapetti)
It’s Not Unusual (Mills, Reed)
(Looks Like) I’ll Never Fall In Love Again (Currie, Donegan)
Daughter Of Darkness (Reed, Stephens)
Green, Green Grass Of Home (Curly Putnam)
I’m Not Responsible (Gordon Mills)
Key To My Heart (Gordon Mills)
Can’t Stop Loving You! (Bickerton, Waddington)
Love Me Tonight (Mason, Pace, Panzeri, Pilat)
‘Til (Danvers, Gaiano, Sigman)
Ninja
. . . in a Tom Jones Groove!
Rikki Ninja
Music Supervision:
Lyle Jason Blossom
Lyle Jason Blossom
A Mad Groovy Production
Vocal Arrangements by Mal Hypster
Arranged + Conducted by Rikki Ninja
Produced by Toby Maxx
Recorded @ The Mad Groovy Pad, Cambridge
Sound Engineer: Sarah Kurko
#82 Top Albums
2053
In late 2053, The New Archies’ recording contract with Republic USA comes up for renewal. Chi, Toto and Ninja opt not to re-sign. “They’re calling it quits”, their attorney tells Republic CEO Jennifer McKinney. “They feel lucky to be able to go out while they’re still on top.” Ninja moves to Paris to properly launch a European solo career; Lana Suzuki devotes her full time to running Witch Queen Studios; Mal Hypster has decided to record children’s music exclusively; and Toby Maxx is simply deluged with outside projects! Dude is now one of America's top record producers.
Unfortunately, alcoholism has begun taking a toll on his work. In October, he supervises several Latin Jazz sessions barely able to stand up! Halfway through the last date, dude slumps over the mixing board in a drunken stupor. "We ended up having to produce the tracks our damn selves!" the musicians grumble. Rumors of Toto's unreliability start circulating; superstar Garcy Briseño gets wind of them, and cancels plans to have him produce her next album!
Unfortunately, alcoholism has begun taking a toll on his work. In October, he supervises several Latin Jazz sessions barely able to stand up! Halfway through the last date, dude slumps over the mixing board in a drunken stupor. "We ended up having to produce the tracks our damn selves!" the musicians grumble. Rumors of Toto's unreliability start circulating; superstar Garcy Briseño gets wind of them, and cancels plans to have him produce her next album!
Three weeks after the group breaks up, LaDiva Garland invites The New Archies to sing at the Grand Ole Opry. The Transsexual honky-tonk diva has been a member of the venerated institution since 2045. Naturally, she extends the invitation via her brother, Mal Hypster. “Talk about a missed opportunity!” Chi groans. “I always wanted to play the Opry; but there’s no group anymore! Didn’t you hear? We disbanded.” LaDiva urges him to talk to Dee Dee, Lana, Toto and Ninja anyway: “Not everybody gets asked, you know! I had to pull more than a few strings. Don’t you dare embarrass me!”
Predictably, Lana Suzuki is in the studio with a hot new boy band and can’t make the date. Donna Dante, an in-demand leading lady since starring as policewoman Christy Love, is busy shooting another action film. “I’d get away if I could, Chi,” she apologizes. However, Toby Maxx is available, and just as excited about appearing on the Grand Ole Opry as his estranged fiancé is. Rikki Ninja happens to be back in North America, visiting family in Puerto Rico. He assures Chi: “A herd of wild cabrones couldn’t keep me away!” Dude takes a red-eye flight to Nashville in order to make the concert.
Toto, Ninja and Chi appear together on an Opry tribute to 91-year-old Country legend Trace Adkins. Two hours before showtime, Chi finds himself in a daring mood. "Let's give Music City something to talk about!" he urges. "After all, we're actors as well as musicians. If we approach this performance like storytellers, the way Sir Ambrose taught us to do, we can make it memorable." Toto and Ninja take up his challenge; together they conceive a musical vignette set in the 1860s. No one who sees their dramatic pantomime will ever forget it!
As Ninja begins to sing Adkins’ 2005 war hero tribute “Arlington”, Mal Hypster enters from stage left; he’s wearing a vintage Union soldier’s uniform. From stage right, Toby Maxx walks on sporting Confederate grays! As Ninja’s voice pulses with emotion, the faux Civil War combatants embrace and begin dancing a slow waltz. Their poignant dance ends with both soldiers saluting a tattered American flag. When the last note of “Arlington” fades, there’s barely a dry eye in the New Ryman Opry House. Thunderous applause shakes the building to its rafters! Trace Adkins hobbles out on stage and doffs his cowboy hat to the group. “That’s the finest tribute to our Civil War dead I’ve ever seen”, he tells them. “Y’all made me feel mighty proud to have introduced that song.” The cheering and applause seem to go on forever!
As Ninja begins to sing Adkins’ 2005 war hero tribute “Arlington”, Mal Hypster enters from stage left; he’s wearing a vintage Union soldier’s uniform. From stage right, Toby Maxx walks on sporting Confederate grays! As Ninja’s voice pulses with emotion, the faux Civil War combatants embrace and begin dancing a slow waltz. Their poignant dance ends with both soldiers saluting a tattered American flag. When the last note of “Arlington” fades, there’s barely a dry eye in the New Ryman Opry House. Thunderous applause shakes the building to its rafters! Trace Adkins hobbles out on stage and doffs his cowboy hat to the group. “That’s the finest tribute to our Civil War dead I’ve ever seen”, he tells them. “Y’all made me feel mighty proud to have introduced that song.” The cheering and applause seem to go on forever!
THE NEW ARCHIES' SHOW-STOPPING
PERFORMANCE OF "ARLINGTON"
@ NASHVILLE'S GRAND OLE OPRY
That night, Chi and Toto’s love is on display for all of Opryland to see; military gear and solemn faces can't disguise their strong feelings for each other. After taking bows, they reconcile and discuss setting a date to marry. Unfortunately, that same night, a closeted Country music star flirts with Mal Hypster in the backstage area. “Aren’t you a vocal arranger?” the hunky guitar picker inquires, casually rubbing his crotch. “I hear you give good throat! Come out to the ranch tomorrow, and we’ll do a session at my home studio.” The record date ends up taking place in his Jacuzzi; very little music gets made, but the singing cowboy damn sure does!
Two weeks later, Nashville’s biggest closet case flies up to Boston for another secret tryst with Chi. Toby Maxx catches them together in flagrante delicto! “Looks like somebody’s got friends in low places,” he fumes. “Shit’s about to hit the fan,” cowboy gulps, stuffing a rapidly shrinking erection into his jock briefs. “I am so outta here!” Mal Hypster's serial infidelity continues to trigger clash after clash with his fiancé! Afterwards, Toto is sure to reach for his liquid crutch. These days, Mr. Maxwell keeps company with other men, too: Among them, Johnnie Walker Red, Old Grand-Dad and Jack Daniels! Chi and Toto's engagement holds (just barely), but their wedding plans are postponed indefinitely.
Rikki Ninja and Lyle Jason Blossom become estranged, too, but not because of infidelity. It's all about Nero! The baby has survived several close calls: A frightening tumble; a near-drowning in his bathtub; a nasty stroller accident! There are other alarming incidents as well. They all have a common feature: LJB is either present or close by. Ninja is forced to think the unthinkable, and matters come to a head during a painful, screaming confrontation between father and mother! “Stay away from my child,” Ninja demands. “¡Llamaré a la policía! You're trying to kill your own son!” Thunderstruck, Lyle collapses into a chair. "Surely, you can't believe that?" he gasps. "I don't want to believe it, mamacita," his lover sobs, "but what choice do I have? All the evidence points to you."
Ninja recounts all the freak accidents, and systematically eliminates every other suspect. Hurt and confused, Lyle has no recollection of trying to harm the boy! “The stress of gender transition may be affecting me in ways I don’t realize," he wails, holding clenched fists to his forehead. "God forbid that I ever harm a hair on my precious little man’s head!” Tearfully, LJB agrees to fly back to Boston and seek additional therapy while Nero stays in Paris with his mother. The once-happy Transsexual family is ripped apart! This unlikely turn of events shocks everyone in their circle. Donna Dante queries her ex-boyfriend Ninja: "WTF happened?" But neither he nor Lyle will talk about the split.
Nero in danger! Gender transition!
Weddings and a funeral!
A farewell album! A tragic accident!
Say goodbye to Sabrina + The New Archies
in the fateful conclusion of
“Mama Can’t Buy You Love”!
Weddings and a funeral!
A farewell album! A tragic accident!
Say goodbye to Sabrina + The New Archies
in the fateful conclusion of
“Mama Can’t Buy You Love”!
