Mama Can't Buy You Love: Part Three
Sabrina + The New Archies:
Mama Can't Buy You Love
Cartoons + Castanets presents yet another
bawdy cartoon burlesque featuring
fan art images based on
Archie Comics Characters
starring
Sabrina the Sorceress
Salem the Cat Nero the Dog
Sir Ambrose Nixon
The Abominable Miss Fang
Lyle Jason Blossom
Presenting The New Archies:
Donna Dante . . . vocals, bass
Mal Hypster . . . vocals, drums, percussion
Toby Maxx . . . saxophone
Rikki Ninja . . . vocals, keyboards
Ramsay Khalid Sharma . . . rhythm guitar
Lana Suzuki . . . lead guitar
members of the original Archies
and introducing
Carmen Serna
The Wicked Witch Of New Jersey!
with cameo appearances by celebrities including
Trace Adkins, Justin Bieber, Anderson Cooper, Ron Dante,
Bruce Frey (Professor Bubblegum), Drake Jensen,
Angelo Restivo and "Flo"
Angelo Restivo and "Flo"
in adorable cartoon form
Burlesque written, directed and staged by
The story so far . . . in the year 2037, with the blessings of Veronica and Archie Lodge-Andrews, producer Bree Spellman (formerly Sabrina, The Teenage Witch) auditions and creates The New Archies! This Rock group will carry on the legacy of The Archies, who retired in 2033. The members are guitarist/lead singer Garcy Briseño; bassist/lead singer Donna Dante (Dee Dee); percussionist/lead singer Mal Hypster (Chi); keyboard player Rikki Ninja; sax player Toby Maxx (Toto); and drummer Frankie Fujiyama (Fuji). Rejected for membership is Carmen Serna, a vengeful singing witch! She bedevils The New Archies with sorcery but is unable to prevent their becoming successful. Carmen marries up Fuji in 2040 and convinces him to quit the band. The following year, Donna Dante leaves, and the year after that, Garcy goes solo. Battered by these defections, the group disbands! However, Bree's cousin, Sir Ambrose Nixon, promises her that The New Archies saga is not done yet . . .
Part Three:
Who Is Donna Dante?
The Year 2043
Garcy Briseño’s solo career takes off like a rocket; her self-titled debut album of Tejano-tinged love ballads tops the Pop charts! Critics christen her “The Latina Streisand”. She celebrates her triumph by proposing marriage to Mal Hypster's older sister. "Cassidy runs a successful business, so I won't have to worry about you living in poverty," Dilton Doiley "Tony" Briseño jokes when his daughter breaks the happy news. Wary of media intrusion, Cass and Garcy exchange vows in a private ceremony; attendance is limited to family members.
Frankie Fujiyama stars as a Hawaiian detective in Sammy Dead, an action/adventure film that’s a box office smash; he signs to appear in two sequels. Despite the warnings of his younger sister, fading Country music star LaDiva Garland, Chi turns his back on a promising modeling career to try his luck in Nashville. Dude signs a singles deal with the Starday label. Meanwhile, Rikki Ninja and Chi’s lover Toby Maxx are well on their way to becoming one of the most in-demand production teams working with neo-Hip Hop acts.
Donna Dante forms Donna + The Motherf*ckers with an old friend, guitarist Lana Switchblade, and drummer Penny Abortion. They cause a sensation by offering to beat up male members of the audience after every performance! Lana’s karate training makes this possible; nobody gets hurt, and the gimmick makes them one of the most popular Punk acts around. The trio become fixtures at Atlantic City’s notorious Loose Stool nightclub. During a particularly violent set, Lana’s mind wanders: She recalls how she met Dee Dee as a teenager and learned about her sad past life . . .
PUBLICITY FOR DEE DEE'S NEW
PUNK TRIO, DONNA + THE
MOTHERF*CKERS
It was in the year 2035 that a dynamic new performer took Boston's Rock clubs by storm. Lana caught her act at the Rat's Ass over on Landsdowne Street! The diminutive Southern belle with flowing strawberry blonde hair was one of the most exciting attractions that club ever booked. Later, when Lana and the band she was then gigging with also appeared at the RA, the British immigrant met Donna Dante and befriended her. Though somewhat vague about her background, Dee Dee said she hailed from the Mississippi Delta region. “That’s why I’ve got an authentic Blues sound to my voice,” she explained. “I grew up on that music.”
At first, she claimed not to know much about her parents. She did know that the mother who abandoned her was from Nigeria. Later on, Dee Dee confided that her father was a rich man who refused to acknowledge her. “I hate him!” she fumed. “So much so that I won't even speak his name.” She spent her childhood in foster care, and from her lurid descriptions, Lana gathered that she was a victim of abuse: “At fourteen, I just said ‘fuck this shit,’ and I ran away from the last foster home they put me in.”
Dee Dee admitted to having lived on the streets for awhile, surviving with the help of an occasional Good Samaritan and countless temp jobs. Over the course of four years, the feisty beauty made her way up to New England. “I pride myself on having steered clear of drugs, and I never sold my body for money! I did work as an underage stripper for awhile, and it sucked big-time! Horny bastards slobbering at you every night . . . hella gross! But I made good use of what I learned.”
At that time, Donna Dante was known for incorporating pole dance routines into her performances! She never needed striptease to captivate a crowd, though. “I was really flattered when people started comparing me to Tina Turner and Donna Summer,” she recalled. “But my inspiration was The Archies! A friend introduced me to their music when I first came to Boston. I got hooked on them right away!” Often, Dee Dee sang Archies numbers on stage: “I’m In Love”, “Love Light” and “Hide And Seek” were always big crowd-pleasers. Nobody was surprised when she decided to audition for The New Archies in 2037, when producer Bree Spellman put out a cattle call.
The Year 2044
Toby Maxx buys an abandoned firehouse in Cambridge, Massachusetts and begins converting it into a home for himself. A devotée of the Googie architecture style, Toto plans a space-age interior that will resemble cartoon character George Jetson's Skypad apartment! The house will also contain a state-of-the-art recording studio for he and Rikki Ninja to work from. Garcy Briseño releases a second million-selling album of ballads! Mal Hypster releases his début Country single, a self-penned tune called "Numb Nuts". “It’s autobiographical,” he informs nervous Starday executives after they hear the record. “There's never before been a Country song with such frank lyrics about Gay sex! And just wait ‘til you see the music video I’ve planned: Cutting edge, for sure!” Much to Chi’s annoyance, Starday rejects his bold concept and commissions a much tamer video. They also censor the lyrics of his groundbreaking honky-tonk number: “Country fans won't two-step to a song about cornholing!” Despite their cautionary measures, “Numb Nuts” still meets resistance from Country radio, and fizzles out before it can chart.
Donna + The Motherf*ckers becomes a royal pain in the ass to its founder, Donna Dante! Group relations become fractious. Penny Abortion wants to lead the group and constantly tries to upstage her; they bicker constantly! “Our music isn’t authentically Punk,” Penny gripes. “You can fucking hum the songs! Why do we even need singing, anyhow? We should just scream the words.” Dee Dee replies by screaming some rather rude words at Penny! Caught in the middle, Lana Switchblade finds herself playing peacemaker: “It’s the blokes in the audience we’re supposed to be fighting with, not one another! Whatever happened to sisterhood?” She hates the bickering and considers leaving the band; but loyalty to Dee Dee makes her stay put.
In the midst of this turmoil, the band records and releases RUNAWAY LOVE, an album tribute to Del Shannon; Dee Dee has heard an unreleased Archies tribute to the early Sixties rocker and decides to cut one of her own. Lana Switchblade produces, and Shelly Suzuki, Lana’s ex-radio deejay mother, engineers the recording. Predictably, Penny Abortion rants about the choice of material: “The Sex Pistols! Iggy and The Stooges! New York Dolls! The Clash! Those are my idols. Del-fucking-Shannon? What’s up with this sellout, ‘60s Pop/Rock bullshit?” Dee Dee and Lana argue that Punk bands can interpret any genre of music they want to, but Penny is adamant: “This album sucks!”
Rock critics disagree: RUNAWAY LOVE gets rave reviews! “Stand Up”, the trio’s remake of an obscure Shannon rocker, gets some scattered airplay, too. However, it’s not nearly enough for the album track to chart. Needing a distraction from group politics, Dee Dee begins taking small roles in independent films. “You’re a natural in front of the camera, sugar,” a small-time casting director assures her. “Thank you so much for saying so,” she grins. “Now, take your hand off my thigh or I’ll fucking put you in the hospital!”
Rock critics disagree: RUNAWAY LOVE gets rave reviews! “Stand Up”, the trio’s remake of an obscure Shannon rocker, gets some scattered airplay, too. However, it’s not nearly enough for the album track to chart. Needing a distraction from group politics, Dee Dee begins taking small roles in independent films. “You’re a natural in front of the camera, sugar,” a small-time casting director assures her. “Thank you so much for saying so,” she grins. “Now, take your hand off my thigh or I’ll fucking put you in the hospital!”
CARMEN SERNA ENTERTAINS
JUSTIN BIEBER JUST BEFORE
SHE FEEDS HER DOG
Carmen Serna’s latest hit record is “Hurtin’ You Turns Me On!” Babe has become one of the top Dance Divas of the early 2040s, with half-a-dozen best-selling records and even a Grammy nomination; but as her singing career soars, her married life crashes and burns! Separated from husband Frankie Fujiyama (again starring on screen as hard-boiled Hawaiian detective Sammy Kalani), Carmen skanks around shamelessly! Inside the entertainment world, she earns a reputation as the Blowjob Queen of New Jersey!
During this period, she lures horny male celebrities to her home; they're eager to sample her "Deep Throat Delight"! Some of them are never seen or heard from again. A case in point: Aging former teen idol Justin Bieber. Justin can barely contain himself as he presses the doorbell to Carmen's house in Jersey City. He's been wanting to date her up for months, and tonight's the night! True, he's an old man now, and she's thirty years younger than him but it’s all good. Dude always did like 'em young!
Carmen answers the door in a sexy see-through pants suit. "Come in, Justin", she purrs in a voice that calls to mind legendary comedienne Joan Rivers. "Have yourself a seat on my couch. It's very comfortable." She sits down next to him, and the 77-year-old horndog pulls her toward him for a deep French kiss. “I’ve got just what you want, bitch,” he slobbers. “Maximum flavor! I haven’t cleaned this foreskin of mine for weeks. I’ve been saving up all my stank for you, baby. Lick your lips!” Carmen hears the sound of his pants unzipping!
"Oh, Justin!" she giggles. "Not yet. Right now, it's time for a little snack." "Some of your delicious kosher Mexican cooking?", he asks. "I've heard about what a bitchin' cook you are." "Oh, honey, no!" she replies. “I'm not cooking tonight. YOU are the snack!" From behind the couch, Justin Bieber hears a bone-chilling, guttural growl! Alarmed, he turns just in time to see The Abominable Miss Fang, Carmen's Hound from Hell, leap for his jugular vein.
The ravenously hungry, man-eating Rottweiler snaps his head off with a single bite! “Remember to chew your food!” Carmen scolds. After clearing away the gory mess with her witchcraft powers, she pats her evil pet on the head. "Was it good for you, honey? Yes? I'm so glad. Now that you've eaten, let me go upstairs and get ready for my date with Kanye West later tonight. And if you’re still hungry . . . "
Loose Stool 1116
Keep Searchin’ (Del Shannon)
Little Town Flirt (McKenzie, Shannon)
Show Me (Del Shannon)
I Don’t Care Anymore (Del Shannon)
So Long, Baby! (Del Shannon)
For A Little While (Del Shannon)
That’s The Way Love Is (Del Shannon)
Stranger In Town (Del Shannon)
He Was Mine (Nievelt, Shannon)
What Makes You Run? (Del Shannon)
Broken Promises (Del Shannon)
Stand Up! (Del Shannon)
Runaway (Crook, Shannon)
And The Music Plays On (Bourgoise, Shannon)
The Soul of Del Shannon
Runaway Love
Donna + The Motherf*ckers
A Mama Shelly Production
Music Supervision: Donna Dante
Produced by Lana Switchblade
Sound Engineer: Shelly Suzuki
Recorded @ Black Orchid Studios, Atlantic City
2044
The Year 2045
Despite a guest vocal by his famous sister, LaDiva Garland, Mal Hypster's second Country single, "Hog Maws, Chit'lins and Daisy Mae" fails to chart; music critics will later declare it the worst Country record of the decade! “As if I wanted to cut that embarrassing piece of shit!” Chi fumes. “Hog Maws? Chit’lins? I’m a kosher Jew!” Lyle Jason Blossom, The New Archies’ manager, collapses in his office at Cabot Artist Management. Tests reveal that he has a rare cancer; only a bone marrow transplant from a close relative can save him. Lyle’s mother, Bridget Reilly and his Aunt Cheryl have passed on; his only surviving relatives are bastard children of his late billionaire father, Jason Blossom! Most would prefer to see him die so they can lay claim to his inheritance! However, there’s a surprising exception.
One day, commotion breaks out in the waiting room of Beth Israel Hospital when a famous singer walks in the door. Babe isn't sporting the star pasties that have become her on-stage trademark, but there's no mistaking that wavy blonde hair, those ice-blue eyes and her creamy chocolate-colored skin. It's Donna Dante! One of the receptionists, a huge fan, falls into a dead faint at the sight of her! "Isn't Lyle Jason Blossom being treated here?" Dee Dee asks the other receptionist. "I want to be tested as a possible bone marrow donor for him." A nurse is summoned. "Are you a relative of Mr. Blossom, ma'am?" she asks. "I may be," she answers. "I think he and I may have had the same father!"
A news reporter who happens to be standing nearby overhears and starts speed-texting frantically on his videophone. In less than an hour, his sensational news is all over the tabloids: Billionaire Bastard Child Comes to Blossom Heir's Rescue! Dee Dee is mortified, but she's made up her mind: If she can possibly save Lyle’s life, she's going to do it. Soon, tests will reveal if she is a bone marrow match for him . . . and if Donna Dante really is the illegitimate daughter of Jason Blossom!
Two days later, the leader of Donna + The Motherf*ckers sits by the bedside of a gravely-ill LJB. Also in the room is Rikki Ninja, her ex-boyfriend and former bandmate in The New Archies. Dee Dee is revealing her background to them for the first time. "When I was a little girl, everybody said I was Jason Blossom's daughter," she explains. "I didn't want to believe it, and frankly, I had almost put those painful memories out of my mind. Then you became The New Archies' manager! I have to confess, one of the reasons I quit the group was because being around you made me so uncomfortable."
"If only you had confided in me," Lyle says. "It’s no secret what a total horndog my dad was! He had a lot of mistresses, and left lots of kids behind. It would be stupid of me to resent any of them; I mean, you can't help who your father was! I don't even resent the ones we know about who refuse to be tested as a marrow donor. But I've always liked you, Dee Dee. I'm not surprised you'd offer to be my donor, because that's the kind of person you are. I wish you really were my sister." "I'm so sorry I wasn't a match for you," she sobs. "I finally found out that I'm not Jason Blossom's daughter; but I wish it hadn't been like this!"
Suddenly, the hospital room door opens, and Dr. Maya Andrews bursts in. (Maya is the daughter of Archie and Roni Lodge-Andrews.) "I have exciting news, Lyle! A potential donor came in the night before last and offered her bone marrow. She claims to be your half-sister, and she probably is! She is a MATCH! We're going to schedule surgery in two days." The room erupts in cheers, until LJB interrupts. "Who is she? I want to meet her. I want to thank her!" "She hoped you would," beams Dr. Andrews. "She and her husband are waiting outside."
"FUJI!" blurts Ninja as Frankie Fujiyama, The New Archies' former drummer, walks into the room. "You're the donor's husband? Then . . . she can only be one person!" Donna Dante hisses loudly as the donor enters Lyle's hospital room. Her eyes brim with angry tears as she once again lays eyes on the woman she hates most in the world . . . the woman who stole Frankie away from her! Carmen Serna!!! Ignoring Dee Dee's negative reaction to her presence, Fuji's wife addresses herself to Lyle. "Hey there, big brother," she purrs. "I thought it was about time we met."
That same week, Carmen does provide the life-saving marrow. It turns out that her mother, an exotic dancer named Flame Evangelista, had an affair with Jason Blossom 25 years ago! However, Lyle Jason Blossom will pay a huge price for her seemingly selfless generosity. Shortly after the transplant, the Wicked Witch of New Jersey performs a voodoo ceremony in her Jersey City sanctum. She momentarily switches her soul into his body, and vice-versa; their shared bone marrow is what ensures the success of this extremely difficult spell! Carmen’s black magic isn’t powerful enough to effect a permanent soul transfer, but that isn't her intention. La Serna only needs a split-second to create a physical and psychic bond that puts her half-brother’s subconscious mind under her control. Dude is essentially her slave from now on!
PROMO FOR THE 2047 NEW ARCHIES
COMPILATION DOUBLE SCOOP
The Year 2046
Producer Bree Spellman contacts the members of The New Archies. She wants to compile a double-length album of the recordings they made together! Everyone is game, and all but Garcy Briseño agree to record new tracks for the compilation. The tunes chosen are "Treat Her Like A Lady", a showcase for Rikki Ninja's Soul stylings; "All Right Now" and "The Time In-Between", with Mal Hypster channeling David Lee Roth and João Gilberto, respectively; and "Wiggle On Out", a vintage Jack Scott Rockabilly number that Sabrina declares is "perfect" for Dee Dee's voice. Dee Dee agrees!
The latter two songs will be pressed up and released as the group’s first new single in five years. On Donna Dante’s recommendation, Bree hires Lana Switchblade to play guitar at the recording session. During this same time, Toby Maxx moves into his Mad Groovy Pad, hires office staff and opens up his recording studio for business; Toto's lover, Mal Hypster, moves in, too. Chi decides to leave Nashville after his third Country single, "Red-Hot Kisses In A Cold Truck Bed" flops big-time! Starday Records finally drops the frustrated wannabe hillbilly star from their artist roster.
The latter two songs will be pressed up and released as the group’s first new single in five years. On Donna Dante’s recommendation, Bree hires Lana Switchblade to play guitar at the recording session. During this same time, Toby Maxx moves into his Mad Groovy Pad, hires office staff and opens up his recording studio for business; Toto's lover, Mal Hypster, moves in, too. Chi decides to leave Nashville after his third Country single, "Red-Hot Kisses In A Cold Truck Bed" flops big-time! Starday Records finally drops the frustrated wannabe hillbilly star from their artist roster.
By the mid-2040s, Carmen Serna’s music career has tapered off; her new single, "Arabian Titty Torture" is all but ignored! The fickle dance club crowd has moved on, having outgrown its obsession with her BDSM-oriented Disco fare. Frankie Fujiyama has returned to his estranged wife, but he doesn't stay for long: Dude leaves her again when he suspects her of manipulating Lyle Jason Blossom with witchcraft! “Don’t go spreading silly rumors about me, Frankie,” she warns as he storms out the door. “Miss Fang wouldn’t like that. Would you, baby?” The bloodthirsty Rottweiler from Hell bays like a werewolf, sending chills down Fuji's spine!
He keeps his suspicions to himself, but that doesn’t stop the rumors. Everyone who knows Lyle Jason Blossom is shocked when, after he’s finally declared sole heir of his late father’s long-contested estate, he appoints his half-sister as estate administrator! Carmen takes control of billions of Blossom dollars, leaving Lyle with what amounts to a modest allowance. Growling in his throat, Nero the Dog tells Sabrina: “Bree, baby, I smell a rat!” “Me, too,” sniffs Salem the Cat, swishing his long tail. “I don’t think he trusts that sneaky bitch any more than I do! What gives?” Busy writing a complex string arrangement for a film score, Bree dismisses them both with a wave of her hand. “You two are always suspecting the worst!” she scolds. “Obviously, Lyle is grateful to Carmen for saving his life. He’s free, pansexual and over twenty-one! Dude can manage his own money any way he chooses.”
For some time now, Sabrina has known Donna Dante's true parentage. She also knows that Dee Dee's father is still alive! Sensing that he only has a few months left to live, Bree casts a spell on this famous man. She makes him dream about the past! As the Las Vegas headliner sleeps, the following story plays out in his mind in scenes as vivid as if he were watching HDTV . . .
Jason Blossom’s personal assistant Tressa Luongo is never sure whether she loves Jason or not. At times, particularly when they make love, she feels there is no other man for her. At other times, and this is most of the time, Tressa is repulsed by his atrocious manners, his amoral business practices, his bottomless pit of greed, and his cruel treatment of rivals and underlings, herself included! She knows he is sleeping with other women (including, of course, his wife Bridget Reilly) and she’s powerless to stop it. “But what’s good for the fat horny toad is good for the delicate lily pad, too!” she laughs to herself. Tressa decides to find a paramour of her own!
She never expects to find her dreamboat in a Las Vegas showroom, but that's where he is every weekend. By the year 2018, Ron Dante has become the hottest act in Las Vegas; they call him the new Wayne Newton! Tickets to see his show are hard to come by, but Tressa uses Jason Blossom’s name to get one. As she enjoys Ron’s performance from a front row seat, their eyes meet. Sparks fly! Comes an invitation to meet the star backstage after the show. “I’m not one of these singers who pulls girls out of the audience,” Mr. D assures her, ”but I really would love to take you out to dinner. Are you free?” Tressa isn't free, of course. Jason Blossom would throw a fit if he knew! But she and Ron Dante do go out to dinner once. Then twice. Three, four times. The famous singer is intoxicated by the vivacious Nigerian beauty, and the feeling is definitely mutual! (Seductive saxophone music drifts through Ron Dante’s mind.)
On their final date, they share a hot tub in his penthouse. The sight of Tressa’s voluptuous nude body almost drives Mr. D crazy, but dude manages to keep his cool! After an hour, he sighs: “It’s getting late. We’d better put our clothes on and go.” “We’ll go,” Tressa smiles, “but we really don’t have to put our clothes on yet. Do we?” Rising from the bubbling water, she saucily shakes her ripe breasts at him. Then she leans over and lays the dynamite kiss on Ron that he's been craving ever since he first laid eyes on her! Minutes later, they're rolling on satin sheets, bodies pressed together, making passionate love. (The sleeping Ron Dante seems to hear the rustling of sheets, passionate sighs, and the soft creaking of a mattress.)
He is in love with Tressa Luongo, and she loves him, too; but she knows she can never break away from Jason Blossom. Jason considers her his property, and would surely use his power and influence to crush Ron Dante if they became a couple! The knowledge that she must break off their affair brings tears to her eyes. “Don't you understand? We can’t be together,” she sobs, “but we’ll always have tonight!” Mr. D isn’t one to give up easily. Over the next few weeks, there are flowers, expensive presents and many phone calls to Tressa. It’s sheer agony for her to keep him at arm’s length but she does, and he eventually gives up trying to contact her. Unfortunately, his attempts last long enough for Jason Blossom to get wind of them!
“You nigger slut!” he bellows, slapping Tressa so hard she falls back across his desk. Grabbing an envelope opener, she lunges at him with murder in her eyes; but he is too strong for her! “You’re fired!” he snarls as she lies crumpled on the floor, sobbing. “And I’ll make sure you never work at a corporation again!” (Droning Heavy Metal guitar chords fill Mr. D’s subconscious mind.) Tressa moves to Biloxi, Mississippi to live with friends; she has no family in the USA. After months of unemployment, she lands a low-paying waitress job. She loses it because of severe morning sickness; she is pregnant! Her child is born in early April of 2019.
DEE DEE'S PAST IS SHROUDED
IN MYSTERY
Tressa has no idea if the baby is Jason’s or Ron’s, but it suits her purposes to name the little tow-haired girl Blossom. She might have gotten away with doing that, but there’s no way Jason Blossom will tolerate her exposing the criminal enterprises of his company, Republic International! The day she gives a news conference to publicize her forthcoming tell-all memoir, he dials a secret number on his office phone. That night, she disappears! The manuscript of her memoir disappears, too; neither it nor Tressa Luongo will ever be seen again. Jason Blossom knows what's happened to her; three Mafia hit men also know, and so do a school of sharks swimming off Cape Cod: That pretty Nigerian woman will have been the tastiest dinner they ever had! (The sound of bubbles fills Ron Dante’s strange dream.)
Jason Blossom refuses to claim Tressa’s daughter, and poor Blossom Luongo falls down the black hole that is Mississippi’s foster care system. At age 14, she will run away and eventually find her way to Boston. Developing her inborn musical talent, she becomes the toast of the Boston Rock club circuit: Blossom Luongo disappears forever the first time Donna Dante takes the stage! Little does she know that the name “Dante” is actually her birthright . . .
Awakening from his dream with a troubled mind, Ron Dante decides to research the life story of The New Archies' bass guitarist. Before long, there’s no doubt in his mind that he is her real father! Mr. D reaches out to her, offering to pay for a DNA test, but Dee Dee is ambivalent; her life before coming to Boston is a painful memory that she wants to distance herself from.
One evening, she retrieves an old knapsack from her hall closet. Opening it, she pulls out a handful of items that had belonged to her birth mother; the only things left that connect her to Tressa Luongo! Among these souvenirs is a wrinkled, signed publicity photo of a Pop singer her mom had apparently liked a lot. The signature, which inspired her stage name, reads: Someday, Ron Dante.
Republic 45-123
Wiggle On Out/The Time In-Between
(Jack Scott)/(Aber, Brown, Jones)
The New Archies featuring Donna Dante/
The New Archies featuring Mal Hypster
Produced by Bree Spellman
#12 Pop/#38 Pop
Republic USA 2-4511
Double Scoop Of Mal Hypster
Mama Can’t Buy You Love (Bell, James)
from the film Horndog Millionaire
Eli’s Comin’ (Laura Nyro)
Sooner Or Later (Price, Walsh)
I Got It Bad For You (Levine, Martine)*
All Right Now (Fraser, Rodgers)
Love Is All Around (Sonny Curtis)*
from the film Mary!
Double Scoop Of Donna Dante
Never Been To Spain (Hoyt Axton)
Nowhere To Run (Holland, Dozier)
Heart And Soul (Byrne, Howell)
I’ll Have To Let Him Go (Mickey Stevenson)
Come On And Say It! (Warren Entner)
Wiggle On Out (Jack Scott)
Double Scoop Of Rikki Ninja
Along Comes Mary (Tandyn Almer)*
Midnight Confessions (Lou Josie)
Temptation Eyes (Price, Walsh)
Sharp-Dressed Man (ZZ Top)*
Treat Her Like A Lady (Eddie Cornelius)
Jacksonville Station (Levine, Martine)*
Double Scoop Of Garcy Briseño
Can’t Break The Habit (Holland, Dozier)
Shambala (Daniel Moore)
Running In And Out Of My Life (Brown, Gordy)
Amazing (Ciccone, Mirwaïs)*
Sausalito (Graham Gouldman)*
Lady Jane (James, King)
Double Scoop
The Best Of The New Archies
A Witch Queen Production
A Tarnation Falls Mix
Music Supervision: Salem Saberhagen
Produced by Bree Spellman
*Produced by Nero the Dog
Additional Production and Remix by
Tara Nation FawsAdditional Production and Remix by
Sound Engineers:
Yvonne Remy and Ronnie Shelby
Recorded @ Witch Queen Studios, Boston,
and Abbey Road Studios, London
#5 Catalog Albums/#13 Top Albums
2047
DEE DEE RETURNS TO THE NEW ARCHIES
The Year 2047
Sabrina’s New Archies compilation, DOUBLE SCOOP, sells Double Platinum! The DVD single “Wiggle On Out” is also a best-seller. After the members complete a round of successful promotional appearances, Bree urges the band to regroup. Donna Dante agrees as long as she can keep taking movie roles. Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx agree if they can take over the group’s production (busier than ever with movie soundtrack work, Bree readily steps aside). Mal Hypster, disillusioned by his aborted attempts to launch a Country music career, is more than ready to return! However, Garcy Briseño declines, and understandably so: She’s topping the charts as a solo artist! “I'll always love The New Archies, but I’m not the kind of artist who retraces her steps,” she tells brother-in-law Chi. “I wish you all good luck. You’ll need it, too: Without my voice in the lead, the odds are stacked against you!” Laughing up his sleeve, he sighs forlornly. “Oh . . . I guess we’ll manage somehow!”
Weary of creative clashes with drummer Penny Abortion, Dee Dee disbands her Punk Rock trio, announces her return to The New Archies, and urges Lana Switchblade to audition for Garcy’s lead guitar spot. As it turns out, no audition is necessary: Chi, Toto and Ninja were all blown away by her versatility and virtuosity at the DOUBLE SCOOP sessions! In addition to playing guitar, Lana will also become the band’s music director; she drops the Switchblade moniker in favor of her mother’s surname. (Lana's full name is Svetlana Tamiko Presnyetjekova!) Dee Dee, Ninja and Chi will be the three lead singers. Toby Maxx’s Mad Groovy Pad will now be The New Archies’ recording base.
LANA SUZUKI JOINS THE NEW ARCHIES
One afternoon, a famous visitor calls there. The group is rehearsing material for a proposed album tribute to Petula Clark. Toby Maxx's receptionist bursts into the rehearsal studio panting with excitement: “Would you believe it? Ron Dante, right here in Cambridge!” Dee Dee doesn't have to guess why he's asking for her; a cold feeling of dread fills her chest! “I don’t think I want to see him,” she says. Babe is busy working out a riff on her bass, and doesn’t even look up.
Rikki Ninja knows why Mr. D has come; his ex-girlfriend confided in him when the Las Vegas legend first contacted her. Taking Dee Dee aside, he urges: “You’ve got to at least say hello to him, baby! Even if he isn’t your real dad, he can tell you things about your mom. You’ve always been curious about her, haven’t you? And if you are his daughter, having the King of Las Vegas as your father ain’t too shabby! Isn’t it worth your time to sit down and just have a cup of coffee with the dude?”
Reluctantly, she allows herself to be convinced, but insists that her bandmates stay in the room. Visibly trembling, she no longer feels like Donna Dante, Rock star; once again, she’s a frightened little girl named Blossom Luongo. “Show him into the rehearsal studio,” Toto urges his office assistant. Leaning heavily on a walking cane, Ron Dante enters the room. The minute he sees his long-lost daughter, dude cannot restrain himself!
He cries out: “It’s true! The family resemblance is unmistakable. You are mine! Bambina mia! Let Papa take you in his arms!” When she finally lifts her eyes and sees his kind face, much older but still recognizable from the photo her mother treasured, Dee Dee feels just as sure. Tears fill her eyes! She gasps: “Yes . . . yes!” An emotional hug between father and daughter turns into a huddle when Mr. D motions for Mal Hypster, Rikki Ninja, Toby Maxx and Lana Suzuki to join the embrace. There is no more rehearsal that day!
He cries out: “It’s true! The family resemblance is unmistakable. You are mine! Bambina mia! Let Papa take you in his arms!” When she finally lifts her eyes and sees his kind face, much older but still recognizable from the photo her mother treasured, Dee Dee feels just as sure. Tears fill her eyes! She gasps: “Yes . . . yes!” An emotional hug between father and daughter turns into a huddle when Mr. D motions for Mal Hypster, Rikki Ninja, Toby Maxx and Lana Suzuki to join the embrace. There is no more rehearsal that day!
Republic 47-324
The Sound Of Love/Where Am I Going?
(Tony Hatch)/(Petula Clark)
The New Archies featuring Donna Dante/
The New Archies featuring Mal Hypster
Produced by Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
#91 Pop
Republic USA 2-4732
This Is My Song (Charlie Chaplin)*
Where Did We Go Wrong? (Clark, Hatch)**
Hold On To What You’ve Got (Clark, Delanoé, Hatch)*
I’ve Got Love Going For Me (Petula Clark)***
Color My World (Hatch, Trent)**
Round Every Corner (Tony Hatch)**
Don’t Sleep In The Subway (Hatch, Trent)*
Look At Mine (Hatch, Trent)***
Don’t Give Up! (Hatch, Trent)*
Fancy Dancin' Man (Bonner, Gordon)**
A Sign Of The Times (Tony Hatch)*
Just Say Goodbye (Clark, Delanoé, Hatch)*
Heart (Aber, Clark, Hatch)**
The Other Man’s Grass Is Always Greener (Hatch, Trent)*
I Know A Place (Tony Hatch)*
My Love (Tony Hatch)***
I Couldn’t Live Without Your Love (Hatch, Trent)*
You’re The One (Aber, Clark, Hatch)**
This Is Goodbye (Aber, Clark, Hatch)*
Downtown (Tony Hatch)***
Songs In The Key Of Petula Clark
Petulance
The New Archies
*Lead Vocals by Rikki Ninja
**Lead Vocals by Donna Dante
***Lead Vocals by Mal Hypster
Music Supervision: Lyle Jason Blossom
Production Consultant: Nero the Dog
Production Consultant: Nero the Dog
A Toto + Ninja Production
Arranged by The New Archies
Conducted by Lana Suzuki
Produced by Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
Recorded @ The Mad Groovy Pad, Cambridge
Sound Engineer: Mama Shelly
#81 Top Albums
2048
The Year 2048
Toby Maxx’s futuristic complex becomes headquarters for The New Archies; all but Donna Dante take up partial residence there. The group acquires a luxury tour bus, a quintet of customized motorcycles (Rikki Ninja christens them "Groove-A-Cycles"), a private helicopter, and a grizzled pilot and driver nicknamed Hornytoad! The Gay army vet teases Chi and Toto: “Next time you go out on tour, dudes, save some groupies for me!” Shelly Suzuki charms Toto into hiring her as his chief recording engineer; however, she is well-qualified for the job! Mama Shelly worked for years as a radio technician, first in Japan and then in the United States after she emigrated. At his invitation, she and her daughter move into his Mad Groovy Pad. He makes them feel like family, and Lana Suzuki comes to love him like a brother. All the same, she despises the pet name he gives her: Susu! “Ugh! How naff can you get?” she complains privately.
Mama Shelly quickly becomes a mother figure to Toto and the rest of The New Archies. She cooks them delicious Asian meals, mends their stage costumes, tidies up around the house, and brings a bawdy sense of humor to their recording sessions. Cracking wise about the male members’ male members is one of her favorite things to do: "How's it hanging, baby boy?" The Mad Groovy Pad has a big co-ed shower room upstairs, and Shelly Suzuki just loves lathering up with Chi, Toto, Ninja and Hornytoad. “Snapping wet towels on their bubble butts is so much fun!” she giggles. “It makes me feel young again.”
Mama Shelly quickly becomes a mother figure to Toto and the rest of The New Archies. She cooks them delicious Asian meals, mends their stage costumes, tidies up around the house, and brings a bawdy sense of humor to their recording sessions. Cracking wise about the male members’ male members is one of her favorite things to do: "How's it hanging, baby boy?" The Mad Groovy Pad has a big co-ed shower room upstairs, and Shelly Suzuki just loves lathering up with Chi, Toto, Ninja and Hornytoad. “Snapping wet towels on their bubble butts is so much fun!” she giggles. “It makes me feel young again.”
THE NEW ARCHIES CUT THEIR ALBUM
TRIBUTE TO '60s DIVA PETULA
CLARK AT THE MAD GROOVY
PAD
For their next DVD single, The New Archies settle on "The Sound Of Love". Tracking this remake of a rare Petula Clark recording, Donna Dante lays down her most ferocious lead vocal yet! She writes her own vocal arrangement; on hand to act as production consultant, Nero the Dog growls in harmony on the backing track. After Mama Shelly captures the stunning performance on tape, Rikki Ninja flips on the studio intercom and yells: "¡Que viva Donna + The Motherf*ckers! ¡Sí señor!" Dee Dee and Nero crack up! Mal Hypster's percussion track is just as fierce: Dude bears down extra hard on his timbales, creating a firestorm of Latin rhythm.
The Archies only skimmed the surface of Petula's iconic catalog, but their successors take a deep dive into it; both Chi and Susu are huge Pet Clark fans! Everybody thinks the single will hit Top Ten, at the very least! Instead, it tanks. Toby Maxx is worried: "I hope this isn't a bad omen!" He has reason to worry: The retro-Rock trend which has dominated popular music since the early 2040s has finally begun to wind down. Satellite radio programmers no longer jump on the latest '60s Pop remakes, no matter how good they may sound; the new Rock trend is dark Goth ballads, with music videos that depict rape, murder or suicide!
Consequently, the band’s PETULANCE album will have disappointing sales in North America; but thanks to Nero, it will meet with huge acclaim in Europe! At the wonder poodle's suggestion, Toto and Ninja produce the Petula Clark tribute in both English and French versions. "It makes sense to do it that way," puppy explains, "because Pet scored major hits in both languages, and often with different songs. Besides, New Archies records have always sold big in France!" Predictably, Carmen Serna tries to sabotage the release: Under her influence, Lyle Jason Blossom distributes French promotional materials in the USA, and sends English promos to French-speaking territories! However, the snafu isn’t nearly enough to deter the band’s avid European following in France, Belgium, Switzerland and Luxembourg.
In June, The New Archies embark on their first European tour. A bootleg of their performance in Brussels will surface later in the year. In addition to "Elle Est Finie", "Le Coeur Qui Bat", "Dans Le Train De Nuit" and other choice tracks from the French album, highlights include Donna Dante taking the lead on "Can't Break The Habit"; Mal Hypster and Lana Suzuki rocking out to "Eli's Comin'"; Rikki Ninja re-interpreting Gary Briseño's signature tune, "Lady Jane"; and Toby Maxx using his flamethrower sax to light a fire under "Jungle Boogie" and "Sound Your Funky Horn!" A French translation of "Mama Can't Buy You Love" (the group's first hit record) makes for a grand finale that's nothing less than magnifique!
The Archies only skimmed the surface of Petula's iconic catalog, but their successors take a deep dive into it; both Chi and Susu are huge Pet Clark fans! Everybody thinks the single will hit Top Ten, at the very least! Instead, it tanks. Toby Maxx is worried: "I hope this isn't a bad omen!" He has reason to worry: The retro-Rock trend which has dominated popular music since the early 2040s has finally begun to wind down. Satellite radio programmers no longer jump on the latest '60s Pop remakes, no matter how good they may sound; the new Rock trend is dark Goth ballads, with music videos that depict rape, murder or suicide!
Consequently, the band’s PETULANCE album will have disappointing sales in North America; but thanks to Nero, it will meet with huge acclaim in Europe! At the wonder poodle's suggestion, Toto and Ninja produce the Petula Clark tribute in both English and French versions. "It makes sense to do it that way," puppy explains, "because Pet scored major hits in both languages, and often with different songs. Besides, New Archies records have always sold big in France!" Predictably, Carmen Serna tries to sabotage the release: Under her influence, Lyle Jason Blossom distributes French promotional materials in the USA, and sends English promos to French-speaking territories! However, the snafu isn’t nearly enough to deter the band’s avid European following in France, Belgium, Switzerland and Luxembourg.
In June, The New Archies embark on their first European tour. A bootleg of their performance in Brussels will surface later in the year. In addition to "Elle Est Finie", "Le Coeur Qui Bat", "Dans Le Train De Nuit" and other choice tracks from the French album, highlights include Donna Dante taking the lead on "Can't Break The Habit"; Mal Hypster and Lana Suzuki rocking out to "Eli's Comin'"; Rikki Ninja re-interpreting Gary Briseño's signature tune, "Lady Jane"; and Toby Maxx using his flamethrower sax to light a fire under "Jungle Boogie" and "Sound Your Funky Horn!" A French translation of "Mama Can't Buy You Love" (the group's first hit record) makes for a grand finale that's nothing less than magnifique!
The tour is a smashing success. Ninja displays maximum charisma on stage, laying groundwork for his future status as an international sex symbol! 2048 proves to be a high-profile year for him: Dude sings lead on “La Mer Est Comme Toi”, a gorgeous Petula Clark ballad that Radio Luxembourg puts into heavy rotation. Back in the USA, his rather Goth rendition of a forgotten Cher number, “Where Do You Go?” scores big for The New Archies, too. Besotted fans rush the stage and scream his name at every single gig! Both women and men fling their undergarments at him ("Gross!" Toto thinks).
Basking in the glow of celebrity, Ninja longs for someone to share his joy with. One weekend in the Swiss alps, he invites Lyle Jason Blossom for a joyride on his Groove-A-Cycle. They ride up a mountainside to a cozy chalet belonging to the Blossom family. The two pansexual men end up spending the night; one kiss leads to another, and they fall up in bed together. Their sexual chemistry is strong, and the sex itself is awesome! “Calling you a talent manager doesn’t do you justice, papi,” Ninja moans as LJB services him with his huge prick. “You’ve got hidden talents your damn self!”
Basking in the glow of celebrity, Ninja longs for someone to share his joy with. One weekend in the Swiss alps, he invites Lyle Jason Blossom for a joyride on his Groove-A-Cycle. They ride up a mountainside to a cozy chalet belonging to the Blossom family. The two pansexual men end up spending the night; one kiss leads to another, and they fall up in bed together. Their sexual chemistry is strong, and the sex itself is awesome! “Calling you a talent manager doesn’t do you justice, papi,” Ninja moans as LJB services him with his huge prick. “You’ve got hidden talents your damn self!”
PROMO FOR PETULANCE, THE FIRST ALBUM
RECORDED BY THE REFORMED GROUP
Afterwards, Lyle seems pensive. “What’s on your mind, stud?” Ninja inquires. Hesitantly, The New Archies’ manager confides a secret: He, also, is Transsexual! “I’ve always known I was female inside,” he sighs, a tear trickling down his cheek. “Mom knew it, too; I didn’t even have to tell her. But when I told Dad, he flew into a rage! He beat me up bad! Then he’d punish me whenever he thought I was acting ‘faggoty’. It got to the point where I was terrified to express my true gender! Jason Blossom’s been dead for a long time, but I’m still living in the closet he forced me into as a child.”
Racked with sobs, Lyle seeks and finds comfort in Ninja’s strong arms. “No llores más, mamacita”, the former Nancy Rochelle Fonseca whispers. “I’ve been where you are, and I know where you’re going. Things will get better!” Softly crooning the old Five Stairsteps hit “Ooh, Child”, Ninja rocks LJB to sleep. (An unreleased duet recording of this song by Ninja and Dee Dee can be found in the Witch Queen tape vault.) The gender-blended lovers have forged a bond that will last through both of the identity transitions Lyle Jason Blossom is destined to undergo!
Vogue SONIQUE 770
C’Est Ma Chanson/This Is My Song (Chaplin, Delanoé)*
Mélange Petula #1:
Un Mal Pour Un Bien/You're The One (Aber, Clark, Hatch)**
Le Ciel De Mon Pays/Hold On To What You’ve Got
(Clark, Delanoé)*
Va Toujours Plus Loin/Round Every Corner (Aber, Hatch)**
Les Incorruptibles (Serge Gainsbourg)***
Chariot/I Will Follow Him (Mauriat, Plante, Pourcel)***
Garde-Moi Ta Dernière Danse/Save The Last Dance For Me
(Llenas, Pomus, Salvet, Shuman)*
L’Agent Secret (Aber, Clark)****
Je Me Sens Bien/Dance On! (Adams, Murtagh, Plante, Stellman)*
Las Vegas (Clark, Delanoé, Majenta)**
Ya Ya Twist (Aber, Dorsey, Lewis, Robinson)***
La Nuit N’En Finit Plus/Needles And Pins
(Bono, Nitzsche, Plante)**
Le Cœur Qui Bat/Heart (Aber, Clark)**
Dans Le Train De Nuit (Clark, Cour)**
Viens Avec Moi/I Know A Place (Aber, Hatch)*
Mélange Petula #2:
Mon Amour/My Love (Aber, Hatch)***
Que Reste-T-Il?/Where Do You Go? (Aber, Bono)*
L'Amour Avec Un Grand "A"/Time For Love (Clark, Pallavicini)***
Si Tu Prenais Le Temps/A Sign Of The Times (Hatch, Monty)*
Elle Est Finie/This Is Goodbye (Aber, Clark, Hatch)*
Darling Chéri (Clark, Gaunay, Pitkowski, Hatch)*
Dans Le Temps/Downtown (Aber, Hatch)***
Chansons dans la Clé de Pétula Clark
Pétulance
The New Archies
The New Archies
*Voix Premier de Rikki Ninja
**Voix Premier de Donna Dante
***Voix Premier de Mal Hypster
****Duo Vocal de Donna Dante et Mal Hypster
Une Production Toto et Ninja
Chef de Production: Lyle Jason Blossom
Conseiller à la Production: Nero the Dog
Arrangements par Les New Archies
Conseiller à la Production: Nero the Dog
Arrangements par Les New Archies
Direction Musicale par Lana Suzuki
Réalizé par Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
Enregistré chez Le Mad Groovy Pad, Cambridge
Production Sonique: Maman Shelly
#3 Disques Francophone
Released in French-speaking regions of the world,
Pétulance is never marketed in the United States.
2048
PROMO FOR THE FRENCH VERSION OF THE
PETULANCE ALBUM AND THE FRENCH
EP SINGLE "LA MER EST COMME TOI"
Republic 47-336
Where Do You Go?/Gotta Tell The World
(Sonny Bono)/(Clark, Delanoe, Hatch)
The New Archies featuring Rikki Ninja
Produced by Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
#3 Pop/#75 Pop
Republic EP-9000
L’Agent Secret (Aber, Clark)/
Le Coeur Qui Bat (Aber, Clark)/
Dans Le Train De Nuit (Clark, Cour)/
Elle Est Finie (Aber, Clark, Hatch)*/
Darling Chéri (Clark, Gaunay, Pitkowsky, Hatch)*/
La Mer Est Comme Toi (Aber, Clark)*
La Mer Est Comme Toi
The New Archies featuring Donna Dante
*The New Archies featuring Rikki Ninja
Produced by Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
Additional Production and Remix by
Tara Nation Faws
#74 Pop
This EP tops the French charts in 2048.
PROMO FOR ARCHIE'S CHICANO OLDIES,
AN UNRELEASED ARCHIES ALBUM
Ron Dante tells his daughter about an unreleased album of Soul music covers he produced for the original Archies. Dee Dee hears the tapes and informs her bandmates about this exciting find! Recorded in 1992, it differs from other early Archies albums by featuring leads from each group member. Betty’s husky alto holds forth on the Supremes classic “Stoned Love”; Juggy channels Wilson Pickett covering Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered”; Veronica distinguishes herself with a bitchin' cover of Barbara Acklin’s 1968 smash “Love Makes A Woman”; Archie and Reggie serve up a smooth-as-silk duet on Mel and Tim’s 1972 cult favorite “Starting All Over Again”; and Arch kicks major ass on a fierce remake of The Joe Jeffrey Group’s 1969 stomper “My Pledge Of Love”! Mr. D chuckles at the memory of Veronica Lodge getting drunk on Kahlua B-52s at one of the recording sessions: "Roni was wearing this little sarong number. She started dancing around, and her top fell off! Archie got so pissed off, his head was exploding!"
The New Archies executive-produce a belated release for the fourteen-song set. “Shelly Suzuki’s remixes are just fantastic,” Ron Dante raves. “I wish she’d been around back when I was still producing acts.” Overhearing the compliment, Mama Shelly grins up at him. “If you dig what Mama does in the sound booth, Ronniekins, you might dig what she does in the kitchen, too. Fall up at The Pad tonight for dinner, and I’ll lay my sashimi baccala on you!” Her Japanese spin on a traditional Italian dish scores a big hit, and so does the record: ARCHIE'S CHICANO OLDIES wins great critical praise, rises high on the charts, and is nominated Album of The Year! Archie Andrews is overjoyed; this particular Archies record was always his favorite, but his inability to get it released was a recurring source of frustration.
Sadly, Mr. D passes away soon afterward. Thousands of distraught fans, friends and family members attend the funeral on Staten Island. Wearing a sweatshirt with her father's photo on the front, Donna Dante places a bouquet of roses on his casket. In a statement to the press, she states: “We had precious little time to get to know each other, and yet, our meeting was destined to be! I took his name as mine long before I knew I was his daughter. When we met, I immediately sensed our kinship. A DNA test confirmed it later, but we both knew the truth already. Talking to my Papa, learning from him, laughing, crying and working with him . . . it was such a joy! I don’t want to think about him being gone. He’s still here! A big part of Ron Dante will always be inside of me.”
INSIDE GATEFOLD COVER FOR A NEVER-ISSUED VERSION OF ARCHIE'S
CHICANO OLDIES WITH AN
ALTERNATE TITLE
Republic USA 48-486
Carrie Ann (Clarke, Hicks, Nash)*
Here Comes My Baby (Cat Stevens)*
Girl Watcher (Trail, Pittman)**
The Rapper (Dominic Ierace)***
Love Makes A Woman (Davis, Record, Sanders, Sims)****
Expressway To Your Heart (Gamble, Huff)***
Bandalala (Farrell, Singleton)
Killer Joe (Berns, Kahan)**
Time Won’t Let Me (King, Kelley)
Signed, Sealed, Delivered (Garrett, Hardaway, Wonder, Wright)*****
Starting All Over Again (Phillip Mitchell)*
Stephanny (Henning, Klein, Price)
My Pledge Of Love (Joe Jeffrey)***
Stoned Love (Thomas, Wilson)******
Archie's Chicano Oldies
The Archies
Lead Vocals by Archie Andrews
*Duet Vocals by Archie and Reggie "Gino" Mantle
**Lead Vocals by Reggie "Gino" Mantle
***Duet Vocals by Archie and Jughead
****Lead Vocals by Veronica
*****Lead Vocals by Jughead
******Lead Vocals by Betty Jones
**Lead Vocals by Reggie "Gino" Mantle
***Duet Vocals by Archie and Jughead
****Lead Vocals by Veronica
*****Lead Vocals by Jughead
******Lead Vocals by Betty Jones
Music Supervision: Chuck Clayton
Production Consultant: Nero
Arranged by Geraldine Grundy
Arranged by Geraldine Grundy
Horns Arranged by Jimmy Wisner
Produced by Ron Dante
Executive Producers:
The New Archies
Recorded @ The Bungalow, Nassau, The Bahamas
Remixed @ The Mad Groovy Pad, Cambridge
Analog Engineer: Rhett Valentyne
Remix Engineer: Mama Shelly
#11 Pop Albums
Recorded in 1992; previously unreleased.
2048
The Year 2049
In the year 2045, a DNA test will be patented that confirms Transsexual status. Lyle Jason Blossom’s female gender identity is confirmed by the test, and he begins working with a gender transition counselor. Ninja often accompanies him to counseling sessions: “It’s not an easy process, mamacita, but you’ll be fine. No te preocupes: I’ll be here for you every step of the way!” LJB and Ninja grow incredibly close, and take an apartment together on Boston's Beacon Hill.
Donna Dante appears in Up Yours, a comedy flick directed by cult favorite Bruce Frey. For a scene in the film, the director asks her to sing one of his favorite Bubblegum rockers. She does so, but hates the song with a passion! Even more so when he suggests that The New Archies consider releasing it as a single. “It would be great promotion for the film,” he enthuses. "I don't think they'll agree to it," she warns, "but I'll ask." Much to her horror, Mal Hypster, Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx actually dig the damn tune! "That song definitely has possibilities," Toto declares. Ninja agrees. "It just needs a little sexing up," he says. "I've got an organ part in mind that will really kick ass!" Chi adds: "It wants some Latin percussion, too. I've got some ideas." Dude grabs his bongó kit. "What about this riff for the middle section . . .?"
Later that night, the whole band gets busy at Mad Groovy Studios, recording a demo. Mama Shelly can barely work the board from popping her fingers to the infectious beat! “This one is a stoned titty shaker!” she declares. Yet Dee Dee never warms up to the song. When they finish the track, she urges Ninja to sing the lead vocal. "No, nena," he tells her. "You sing it in the movie! Besides, this record needs a woman's voice."
His instincts turn out to be right on target: Donna Dante’s fevered lead vocals over a sizzling percussion arrangement make “Humpty Dumpty” the group’s first chart-topping DVD disc! "People are getting sick of that gloomy Goth sound," Toby Maxx notes approvingly. "And not a minute too soon!" The Ska-flavored flipside, "Don't Mention My Name", gets nearly as much airplay in some regions of the USA. Destined to become a college fraternity party anthem, its deranged duet vocals (courtesy of Mal Hypster and Rikki Ninja) will be imitated by drunken frat boys for years to come!
His instincts turn out to be right on target: Donna Dante’s fevered lead vocals over a sizzling percussion arrangement make “Humpty Dumpty” the group’s first chart-topping DVD disc! "People are getting sick of that gloomy Goth sound," Toby Maxx notes approvingly. "And not a minute too soon!" The Ska-flavored flipside, "Don't Mention My Name", gets nearly as much airplay in some regions of the USA. Destined to become a college fraternity party anthem, its deranged duet vocals (courtesy of Mal Hypster and Rikki Ninja) will be imitated by drunken frat boys for years to come!
Republic 49-167
Humpty Dumpty*/Don’t Mention My Name
(Cohen, Rostelli)/(Crewe, Gaudio)
*from the film Up Yours
The New Archies featuring Donna Dante/
The New Archies featuring Mal Hypster and Rikki Ninja
Produced by Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
#1 Pop/#36 Pop
TV GUIDE AD FOR THE 2049 TELEVISION
SERIES "FOR PETE'S SAKE" STARRING
THE NEW ARCHIES
Classic 1960s Rock is rarely heard on the radio anymore, but it's a different story on TV. Televised '60s Rock tributes are very common in the 2040s: The year 2048 alone saw televised celebrations of Chubby Checker, Frankie Valli + The Four Seasons, Gene Pitney, Brenda Lee, The Chiffons and The Fifth Dimension’s music! With Bree Spellman and Lyle Jason Blossom as co-producers, The New Archies film a tribute TV series to The Monkees. "Everybody knows that The Monkees were one of the groups that inspired The Archies," Sabrina notes, "so what could be more appropriate?" Donny Jacobs, whose screenplays include the megahit movie musical Say Goodbye To Riverdale, writes most of the scripts. The group flies up to Toronto in June and settles in at Centurion Studios, a sound + video complex. Rikki Ninja, Toby Maxx and Shelly Suzuki plan to take advantage of Centurion's superb audio recording facilities and cut a live soundtrack album on the film set.
Twelve episodes of “For Pete’s Sake” are taped in front of a studio audience; Bree’s friend Raj Patel, Jr. directs them all. The shows feature guest appearances by Square Byz, Go Go Manischevitz and Rock Paisley Blizzard. The notoriously promiscuous Mal Hypster has sex with four musicians from the Blizzard! His oral, digital and anal charms delight the male membership of this up-and-coming Goth Pop ensemble ("emphasis on 'cumming'", Chi will later joke to Hornytoad)! His lover Toby Maxx is furious when he finds out; a door-slamming confrontation results!
Relationship upheavals aside, the tapings go smoothly. However, havoc erupts during post-production: Strangely disoriented, Shelly Suzuki is unable to man the mixing board. "Mum's not feeling well," Lana Suzuki explains; she and her mother fly back to Boston that night. Tragically, Susu will soon discover that her mother is suffering the onset of Alzheimer’s Disease.
Twelve episodes of “For Pete’s Sake” are taped in front of a studio audience; Bree’s friend Raj Patel, Jr. directs them all. The shows feature guest appearances by Square Byz, Go Go Manischevitz and Rock Paisley Blizzard. The notoriously promiscuous Mal Hypster has sex with four musicians from the Blizzard! His oral, digital and anal charms delight the male membership of this up-and-coming Goth Pop ensemble ("emphasis on 'cumming'", Chi will later joke to Hornytoad)! His lover Toby Maxx is furious when he finds out; a door-slamming confrontation results!
Relationship upheavals aside, the tapings go smoothly. However, havoc erupts during post-production: Strangely disoriented, Shelly Suzuki is unable to man the mixing board. "Mum's not feeling well," Lana Suzuki explains; she and her mother fly back to Boston that night. Tragically, Susu will soon discover that her mother is suffering the onset of Alzheimer’s Disease.
Lyle Jason Blossom offers to substitute for her. “Remember, I wasn’t always in artist management,” he reminds Toto + Ninja. “I used to work as a studio engineer in college before switching careers!" "True dat," Ninja nods. "And you've helped Mama Shelly on some of our demo sessions, too. ¡Bueno! Hazlo, mi amor.” Little does he suspect that Carmen Serna’s evil influence is behind LJB's eagerness to help! Dude proceeds to sabotage the soundtrack recordings under his half-sister’s direction!
Lyle creates low-fi sound mixes that are sometimes barely audible. He also lets extraneous noise distort the recorded music: There’s actually tape hiss on the digital audio tape! Dude even erases some tracks “by accident”. Alarmed at what he hears (“Shit! WTF is he doing?”), Toby Maxx pulls him off the board. After listening to the full extent of the damage done, Toto reports to his bandmates. “LJB really fucked us up," he groans. "He must not be feeling well, either! We've got to overdub nearly all of the tracks, and I want a top-notch engineer this time. Who can we get up here in a hurry?”
PROMO FOR THE SOUNDTRACK ALBUM
TO THE TV SERIES "FOR PETE'S SAKE"
Rikki Ninja suggests Yvonne Remy, Witch Queen Studios’ chief engineer. Toto shakes his head: “No go! Yvie is on deadline mixing a Disney soundtrack; she isn’t available.” Mal Hypster has an idea: “There’s a dude named Corky Clayton who’s based here in Toronto. Sabrina has worked with him, and so have I!" "Really?" Toto inquires sarcastically. "How did his ass taste?" Choosing to ignore the insult, Chi continues: "Corky used to play with Jozetta (the Funk ensemble that evolved from Josie + The Pussy Cats), but he’s a sound man now. Baby boy is a stoned bitch at the controls!” The younger brother of Sabrina’s old friend Chuck Clayton happens to be available, and he’s on the job early the next morning. “Holy flying fuck!” he exclaims when he hears LJB’s expert botch job. “I’ve got my work cut out for me!”
While Corky struggles to salvage the soundtrack, The New Archies' manager busies himself in the video editing room. Lyle meddles with the filmed portion of the show, making numerous bizarre edits. When whole segments of film go missing and have to be re-shot, Junior Patel is in tears! Damage control pushes the production of “For Pete’s Sake” significantly over budget, and it's all in vain: Great music is really all the show has going for it! Taking his cues from The Monkees' 1966-8 sitcom, Donny Jacobs has loaded up the scripts with zany comedy skits! The New Archies have a proven flair for drama (on display in the 2040 Broadway musical Don't Touch My Guitar), but they're not at their best in a slapstick setting. When MeTV executives preview the show, they find it substandard and yank it from the broadcast schedule!
After LJB sells the series to Naffflix, an upstart streaming service, it does air; but both it and the soundtrack album are poorly received. However, a song taken from the soundtrack, “The Door Into Summer” does moderately well on the charts. Originally sung by Monkee Michael Nesmith, it features one of Mal Hypster’s finest vocal performances. The flipside, Donna Dante's bluesy reading of the series theme song charts, too ("For Pete's Sake" was also the closing theme of "The Monkees"). This DVD single is the silver lining in a dark cloud of dismal failure! Sabrina is livid; Lyle Jason Blossom is contrite; Carmen Serna is delighted!
After LJB sells the series to Naffflix, an upstart streaming service, it does air; but both it and the soundtrack album are poorly received. However, a song taken from the soundtrack, “The Door Into Summer” does moderately well on the charts. Originally sung by Monkee Michael Nesmith, it features one of Mal Hypster’s finest vocal performances. The flipside, Donna Dante's bluesy reading of the series theme song charts, too ("For Pete's Sake" was also the closing theme of "The Monkees"). This DVD single is the silver lining in a dark cloud of dismal failure! Sabrina is livid; Lyle Jason Blossom is contrite; Carmen Serna is delighted!
Republic USA 2-4957
The Girl I Knew Somewhere (Michael Nesmith)*
A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You (Neil Diamond)**
You Can’t Tie A Mustang Down! (Jeff Barry)**
Last Train To Clarksville (Boyce, Hart)***
I’m A Believer (John Stewart)**
I’m Not Your Steppin’ Stone (Boyce, Hart)***
She (Boyce, Hart)*
Look Out! Here Comes Tomorrow (Neil Diamond)*
I Don’t Think You Know Me (Goffin, King)*****
Teardrop City (Boyce, Hart)***
I Won’t Be The Same Without Her (Goffin, King)*
Listen To The Band (Michael Nesmith)**
Steam Engine Ninety-Nine (Chip Douglas)***
All The King’s Horses (Michael Nesmith)*****
Valleri (Boyce, Hart)***
If I Ever Get To Saginaw Again (Keller, Russell)**
You Just May Be The One (Michael Nesmith)*
Circle Sky (Michael Nesmith)***
Love To Love (Neil Diamond)*
Shades Of Gray (Mann, Weil)*****
For Pete’s Sake (Richards, Tork)***
Pleasant Valley Sunday (Goffin, King)**
Daydream Believer (John Stewart)*
Goin’ Down (Hildebrand, Monkees)***
The Door Into Summer (Douglas, Martin)**
"For Pete’s Sake!"
Tribute to The Monkees
The New Archies
*Lead vocals by Rikki Ninja
**Lead vocals by Mal Hypster
***Lead vocals by Donna Dante
**Lead vocals by Mal Hypster
***Lead vocals by Donna Dante
****Duet vocals by Rikki Ninja + Mal Hypster
*****Trio vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster
+ Rikki Ninja
*****Trio vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster
+ Rikki Ninja
Music Supervision:
Lyle Jason Blossom
A Blossom-Spellman Production
for MeTV Classic Rock
Arranged by The New Archies
Conducted by Lana Suzuki
Produced by Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
Production Staged + Directed by Raj Patel, Jr.
Videotaped by Brad Heller Filmworks
Videotaped by Brad Heller Filmworks
Recorded @ Centurion Studios, Toronto
Audio Remixed by Corky Clayton
#73 Top Albums
Songs from the TV series that were performed by Square Byz,
Go Go Manischevitz and Rock Paisley Blizzard appear on releases
marketed by their respective record labels.
Songs from the TV series that were performed by Square Byz,
Go Go Manischevitz and Rock Paisley Blizzard appear on releases
marketed by their respective record labels.
2049
Republic 49-180
The Door Into Summer/For Pete’s Sake
from the TV series “For Pete’s Sake”
The New Archies featuring Mal Hypster/
The New Archies featuring Donna Dante
Produced by Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
#29 Pop/#51 Pop
PROMO FOR "THE DOOR INTO SUMMER"
Stung by the scathing reviews from TV critics, Donna Dante isn't happy. Neither is her agent! Once upon a time, Adam Sternfield was The Archies' booking agent. Now working on the cinematic side of entertainment, he warns her: “Records that flop are one thing, but looking bad on film? You don’t need that kind of publicity. It's poison to a budding movie career like yours!” His warning triggers her finely-honed self-preservation instincts. After talking over her worries with Lana Suzuki, Dee Dee decides that she has outgrown The New Archies. "I'm ready to concentrate on acting," she announces at the next group rehearsal. "I'm sorry, but I'm leaving again, and this time it's permanent!"
That same night, Mal Hypster and Toby Maxx decide to end their turbulent love match; Chi makes plans to move out of Toto's Mad Groovy Pad and return to Nashville. This double-barrel shot of bad news dismays Sabrina when she hears it, but the sorceress has no time to brood. Former Head Witch Ms. Della appears to her suddenly as she and her wife Heather prepare for bed. “Mother!” Bree exclaims. “What is it?” Della Nightshade summons her daughter to a highly secretive meeting of the Universal Coven: “There can be no delay!” Bree feels herself being pulled down through a deep time warp!
Subsequent events happen so quickly, her head is left spinning: At a mystic ceremony held hundreds of years in the past, Sabrina is chosen to be the new Head Witch! Before an assembly of thousands, she is stripped naked and dressed in royal garments befitting her exalted status. Proudly, Ms. Della reads the Coven’s written proclamation. “Thy title shalt not be Head Witch,” she reveals. “A suggestion made centuries ago hath now been implement'd: Bethel Leslie Sabrina Spellman, thou art the first Witch Queen!”
That same night, Mal Hypster and Toby Maxx decide to end their turbulent love match; Chi makes plans to move out of Toto's Mad Groovy Pad and return to Nashville. This double-barrel shot of bad news dismays Sabrina when she hears it, but the sorceress has no time to brood. Former Head Witch Ms. Della appears to her suddenly as she and her wife Heather prepare for bed. “Mother!” Bree exclaims. “What is it?” Della Nightshade summons her daughter to a highly secretive meeting of the Universal Coven: “There can be no delay!” Bree feels herself being pulled down through a deep time warp!
Subsequent events happen so quickly, her head is left spinning: At a mystic ceremony held hundreds of years in the past, Sabrina is chosen to be the new Head Witch! Before an assembly of thousands, she is stripped naked and dressed in royal garments befitting her exalted status. Proudly, Ms. Della reads the Coven’s written proclamation. “Thy title shalt not be Head Witch,” she reveals. “A suggestion made centuries ago hath now been implement'd: Bethel Leslie Sabrina Spellman, thou art the first Witch Queen!”
CARMEN SERNA FREAKS OUT UPON
LEARNING OF SABRINA'S INSTALLATION
AS WITCH QUEEN
The news spreads like wildfire throughout every realm where witches dwell. It drives an already unstable Carmen Serna over the edge of madness! “I am the most powerful witch in the universe!” she screams, tearing her clothing in a symbolic expression of rage. “How dare the Coven spurn me? Who did that bitch sleep with to grab the Head Witch job? And she’s even got them calling her a Witch Queen? This bullshit is absurd! Sabrina must die! Everyone she loves must die! Carmen Serna demands it!”
The Wicked Witch of New Jersey sends her demonic Rottweiler, The Abominable Miss Fang, on a mission to stalk and murder Bree’s cat Salem! Her next target? Donna Dante, as close to Bree as a daughter would be, and Carmen's only serious rival for the affections of her husband, Frankie Fujiyama!
The Wicked Witch of New Jersey sends her demonic Rottweiler, The Abominable Miss Fang, on a mission to stalk and murder Bree’s cat Salem! Her next target? Donna Dante, as close to Bree as a daughter would be, and Carmen's only serious rival for the affections of her husband, Frankie Fujiyama!
It's smackdown time in Part Four of
