24 June 2014

Archie 4 Adults (Part Four)

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Say Goodbye to Riverdale
Life’s A B*tch And Then You Die!
The Pop Culture Cantina presents Part Four
of a bawdy cartoon burlesque starring
The Archies
Josie + The Pussy Cats
Sabrina the Sorceress
Toni Topaz     Jason Blossom     Kevin Keller
and other fan art images 
based on Archie Comics characters
with super-bitchin’ cameo appearances by Jeff Barry, 
Wolf Blitzer, Mario Canedo, Anderson Cooper, 
Micah Diamond, Ben Maisani, Donna Marie, 
Dan Parent, Mick Patrick, Mike Pellerito, 
Laura Pinto,  Chuck Tackett, 
Mark and Jon Trouten
and Nero the Dog
Burlesque written, directed and staged by 
Donny Jacobs

When we last looked in on our favorite cartoon Rock band, they had come to a crossroads. After recording several million-selling albums, their custom record label had been acquired by evil corporate raider Jason Blossom! The group went on “extended hiatus” to avoid recording new material for him. Arch had become a millionaire and was building an elite music academy in Riverdale. His wife Roni was now in charge of the A & R department at Jason's record label. Juggy was running the catering business he founded with his wife Betty while she was away touring and recording with her all-woman Rock band. Reggie Mantle, now known as Gino, was living in México with his lover Olga and son Dante.  He'd left the group he co-founded and become a huge Tejano music star. Do The Archies belong to the past now? Will Riverdale’s claim to fame ever lay down tracks again?

Nero 1

WITH HELP FROM SABRINA THE SORCERESS, 
NERO RECORDS HIS FIRST ALBUM
@ SPANISH EDDIE'S IN NEW ORLEANS

The Year 2015
Kevin Keller signs with Fantasy Records and cuts his long awaited second album. A collection of Heavy Metal standards, Shredding Party fails to win the critical acclaim of his début. However, it goes Platinum and proves his staying power as a Rock artist. Now working under the music supervision of Jason Blossom, Olguita and Reginald storm Tejano radio playlists with their second album of original ranchera ballads. 

Archies spinoff band The Bettys back Nero the Dog on his solo album of Prince song covers; Bettys keyboard player Sabrina Spellman uses witchcraft to enhance Nero’s singing ability. When released by RKO/Disney Records, his Paw-Prince album sells like crazy! That is, until Jason Blossom spreads a malicious rumor that Nero’s singing talent is fake. “It’s the biggest fraud since Milli Vanilli,” Republic International's CEO sneers to Pop culture guru Mick Patrick. “The dumbass public will fall for anything.” Ultimately, album sales fall far short of a Gold record award. Nero is so p*ssed, he’s practically foaming at the mouth! 

Sabrina wants to cast a spell on Jason forcing him to retract his lie, but the wronged poodle urges her not to. “Revenge is best served cold,” he growls in the dog language that sorcerers can also understand. “Turd Blossom’s time hasn’t come yet, but it will come! And Bree, baby, you’d best believe I’m gonna be there when it does.”

Nero 2

JASON BLOSSOM CASTS DOUBT
ON NERO'S REMARKABLE SINGING ABILITY

Nero’s album is the last to be recorded at Spanish Eddie’s bar and recording studio in New Orleans; Eddie Roxchild sells his business and relocates to Medellín, Colombia. The reason? His lover, producer Ralfi Chingas, has accepted an invitation to head the A & R department at Discos Fuentes. Working with Ralfi, Eddie will engineer many major Latin music hits over the next ten years. 

 The Bettys cut their début album, Say Goodbye To Riverdale, at Jeff Barry’s Chapel Of Rock in Santa Barbara; Jeff comes out of retirement to produce the sessions. Nero is special guest lead vocalist on the title track, and former member Toni Topaz contributes duet vocals to a remake of Doris Day’s 1963 cult favorite “Move Over, Darling.” When reviewers hear Toni swapping steamy pillow talk with Betty, they speculate that the two are having a Lesbian affair! Betty finds the notion hilarious; not so much her duet partner. “Nobody loves fish like I do, honey,” she tells the music press, “but I like it served up in the dining room, not the bedroom. Don’t believe what you’ve heard about me: Toni Topaz is strictly d*ckly!” 

In fact, Toni has long carried a torch for Betty’s husband Jughead. He secretly digs her, too. When they appeared together in the Rock musical Soul And Inspiration, they had to use industrial-strength willpower to keep their hands off one another!

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PROMO FOR THE BETTYS' FIRST SINGLE,
"(I'LL) KEEP ON HOLDIN' ON"

Archies bassist Trevor Smith, now an in-demand session musician, still lives in Riverdale but divides his time between Nashville, New York City and Hollywood. He marries up Christina Angel, female lead vocalist of the Jazz group Savoy Sound. Music mogul Jason Blossom marries up Pop singer Bridget Reilly, a high school friend of Veronica and Betty. They will have a tumultuous marriage, during which poor Bridget must cope with Jason’s humiliating sexual demands! Re-enacting the “butter fingers” scene from the movie Last Tango In Paris is one of his frequent cravings. “I’ve grown to hate butter with a passion!” Bridget confides to Roni.

2016
Jughead and Betty Jones separate. Everyone is shocked, because outwardly they seemed to have an ideal marriage; but Betty feels the need to move in new directions. Ralfi Chingas proposes to Eddie Roxchild during a bogus recording session at Discos Fuentes. Eddie thinks it’s a real solo date for Ralfi until he realizes his lover is singing the old Archies hit “Together We Two” directly to him: You are the dream/That people dream/You are the answer to my prayer/Eddie, I need you so/Don’t ever let me go/I wanna take you everywhere.* When a tearful Eddie accepts Ralfi’s marriage proposal, the studio musicians break into cheers!

Preferring a small outdoor ceremony to a big church wedding, Ralfi and Eddie marry up on the beach at Cancún. Among the small group of friends and relatives in attendance are Archie, Veronica, Betty, Gino, his common-law wife Olga San Quentín, Jonniemae Trouten with Nero the Dog, and Kevin and Clay Walker-Keller. Gino is best man, giving Ralfi away with this whispered advice to Eddie: “Your husband’s got a sweet sweetback. I should know, because I tapped it a few times! And the rest of him is just as sweet. Love this man like you love your very life!”

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THE WEDDING OF RALFI CHINGAS 
AND "SPANISH" EDDIE ROXCHILD

Josie + The Pussy Cats undergo internal upheaval: Valerie Smith Cabot announces she’s quitting the group to launch a solo career! Soon, Melody Munro-Jones will be gone, too. Mel was responsible for the group’s visual presentation; she handled all the costumes and staging. Now she’ll execute a radical change in her career track and become one of the country’s top interior designers. 

 Josetta James reboots the group under a brand new name: Jozetta! The now six-member band features Josie’s childhood friend Pepper on lead vocals. “Pepper Potts sounds like Amy Winehouse reincarnated!” raves Mick Patrick. “A major new singing talent has been discovered!”  Rounding out the lineup are former Kevin Keller sidemen Nurmeen Bayh and Farid Ben-Shalom, sax man Corky Clayton (younger brother of famed comic book artist Chuck Clayton) and ex-Bettys drummer Midge Mercury.  
Plans for the new ensemble came together at the home of Clay and Kev Keller; Josie paid the couple a visit soon after Valerie's departure.  "I've got this idea for a new sound called Funk Punk," she revealed.  "And I already know three of the people I want in the band; but I need an organist and a bass player, and I'm stuck for a name." Clayton thought up the group name while preparing dinner.  Meanwhile, unbeknownst to him, Kevin and Josetta were in the upstairs bedroom making a "box lunch" together!  (More about the ex-senator's evolving sexuality later on.)  Later, Kev put Josie in touch with Nurmeen and Farid, and also helped get Jozetta signed to the Scorpio label (a subsidiary of Fantasy Records).  He will co-produce their hugely successful début album, taking the first step toward a future career in A & R. 

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JOZETTA IS A BAND!

Jamie Records releases Say Goodbye to Riverdale by The Bettys. Their début album gets excellent reviews but unfortunately, great reviews don’t guarantee commercial success! Just like her first one did (the acclaimed Patsy, Jackie And Me CD), Betty’s second musical project away from the Archies fails to connect with the public. 

 While promoting the LP in New York City, Betty meets celebrity journalist Anderson Cooper. “I was thrilled when he asked me to dinner,” Betty remembers later. “I mean, who wouldn’t want to eat filet mignon with Anderson Cooper? We became friends right away.” But unexpectedly, their friendship becomes romantic: At their next dinner date, Andy plays footsie-wootsies with Betty under the table! “The next thing I knew, we were between the sheets. Andy got so excited! It was like he’d never been with a girl before. Well, maybe he hadn’t been . . .” 

Betts shrugs off her friends’ warnings about Anderson’s well-known preference for men. “Who doesn’t know about that?” she laughs. “In fact, we talked about it. But my Andykins digs me the most! I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve never been more certain about anything.” The media doesn’t share her certainty. Can Anderson Cooper ‘go Straight’ for Betty Jones? becomes a recurring tabloid headline! 

 During a trip to Atlanta with Andy, Betts overhears his media colleagues joking that she must have a “magic vagina”. Infuriated, she confronts CNN’s Wolf Blitzer: “I do not have Straight-making p*ssy!” she fumes. “Stop saying that, Wolf, or I’ll shove my foot up your ass!” Christina Angel gives birth to Trevor Smith’s son Trevor Angel. Veronica’s aged mother Hermione dies of natural causes on a trip to her ancestral home in Italy.

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PROMO FOR THE BETTYS SINGLE 
"HE'S SO EASY TO LOVE", RELEASED AFTER 
BETTY MARRIES ANDERSON COOPER

2017
Jughead and Betty divorce as her relationship with Anderson Cooper heats up. She sells Juggy her shares in the catering business she founded with him. He, in turn, will sell the business and go to work for Montana Jones, his son with Betty. Montana is now a celebrity chef, with a popular cable cooking show. From their home base in Toronto, father and son will launch a successful chain of Japanese restaurants. “It’s kosher Japanese cooking par excellence,” Juggy enthuses. “You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted Monty’s miso soup with matzo balls. And his gefilte fish sashimi? To die for! I’m proud of my son for embracing both of his culinary heritages.” 

 Reconnecting with Toni Topaz when she stops in Canada during a concert tour, Jug starts dating her up. “I’ve been tuned into your radio signal for a long time, baby!” he tells her during their first wild lovemaking session. “That big old ten-inch record of yours was well worth waiting for”, she sighs. “Play it for me all night, stud!”

A groundbreaking ceremony is held for the Riverdale Music Academy, Archie and Veronica’s longtime dream. The main performance space will be named after Hermione Stellanedra-Lodge, who nurtured her daughter’s interest in music. “Mother was an excellent performer,” Roni reminds Arch. “If she hadn’t devoted herself to helping Daddy build up his business, she could’ve been the female answer to Prince! You should’ve heard her sing ‘Do Me, Baby’ and ‘Sugar Walls.’” “Oh, I did,” Archie says, remembering what an embarrassing spectacle it was!  

Two women file paternity suits against Kevin Keller; they are Heavy Metal groupies who claim he fathered their children! Even before paternity tests confirm his parentage, Kev confesses his indiscretions to husband Clay. “They threw their p*ssy in my face,” he explains tearfully, “but I wanted it. Yes, I did! I guess I’m bisexual, baby. I’ve known it for a long time, but I didn’t know how to tell you!” “Did you think I wouldn’t find out,” screams Clay, “when you’ve got baby mama drama all over the National Enquirer? Why couldn´t you keep your damn legs closed?” Clayton rages, Kevin bawls, and Riverdale’s most famous Gay couple briefly separates.

Reginald Mantle III and Olga San Quentín expand their loving bond to include Mike Pellerito, president of Archie Comics Publications.  They form a romantic triad, and Michael comes to live with them in México City.  Scandalmongers in the Latin music press are no match for Gino’s pansexual pride:  “If you’d ever been served chorizo con huevos in bed by this delicious hunk of a man, you wouldn’t wonder why we fell for him,” he says.  “Olga and I have so much love together, wouldn’t it be selfish of us not to share?  Three is never a crowd when hearts are true.”  Dude may have a true heart, but he also has a roving eye!  Mike’s infidelities will disrupt the Mantle-Pellerito-San Quentín household on a regular basis. 

After years of trying unsuccessfully to conceive, Archie and Veronica adopt an infant girl born in Ghana. They name her “Maya”, Hiram Lodge’s nickname for Roni’s late mother. She will grow up to study medicine and intern with Dr. Clayton Walker-Keller. Toni Topaz joins the Fantasy Records roster and begins her ascendancy to the status of Reggae Queen with her second album, Mother And Child Reunion. Being on the same label as Kevin Keller sets the stage for a sensational music and video collaboration a few years later. 

The Bettys fly down to Medellín to cut a second album; the Columbian music press reports it will feature songs made famous by 1970s Glam Rock trio LaBelle. They finish the record, but its release will be delayed for ten years.

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BETTY AND ANDERSON COOPER
OPT FOR A TRADITIONAL 
TAHITIAN WEDDING

2018
Betty marries up Anderson Cooper at a gala wedding in Tahiti. All members of The Archies and The Bettys are in attendance, flown in at Andy’s personal expense. (His ex-boyfriend Ben Maisani makes an embarrassing scene and is escorted away by security guards!) An incredulous press questions the legitimacy of his heterosexual nuptials. A week before the wedding, Andy devotes a segment of his nightly news show to explain: “I didn’t ‘go Straight’ for Betty; that’s bullsh*t! I’d been hiding my bisexuality for years. She gave me the strength to come out of the closet a second time. People don’t change their sexuality like chameleons change their skin! Sometimes, it just takes a while to realize exactly where you stand. I’m still attracted to guys, and I always will be; but as far as I’m concerned, my future wife really does have a magic vagina.” 

 The Bettys, including former member Toni Topaz, give their final performance at the wedding reception. Nero the Dog is the official wedding singer, though, and his rendition of “Say Goodbye To Riverdale” (made audible by Sabrina's magic) will be talked about for months!  After honeymooning in French Polynesia, Andy and Betty fly to New York City, where they’ll share a renovated brownstone; Andy has hired Melody Munro-Jones to decorate the interior, and she’s done a fabulous job: The furnishings are ultra-modern, and everything is colored shades of red, green, black and white. Admiring her posh new home, Betty thinks: “Roni Yvette Lodge, eat your heart out!” She wraps her beloved pink saxophone in velvet cloth and stores it away; Rock ‘n Roll belongs to the past! The once and future Betty Cooper plans to devote herself to charity work and writing cookbooks.

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BACK COVER PHOTO FOR
 OLGUITA AND REGINALD'S THIRD 
SMASH HIT ALBUM

Olguita and Reginald top the Latin charts with their third ranchera album produced by Dilton Doiley Briseño. Kevin and Clayton Walker-Keller reconcile and agree to raise the two boys Kevin has fathered while touring with his band. In no time, Clay becomes a doting father to little Chuckii and little Mario; Kev finds that he feels more comfortable in a “mommy” role and morphs into a happy house-husband. The birth mothers (“gold-digging starf*ckers!” snarls Clay) are paid off by Kev’s lawyer; they’ll have minimal contact with their sons. 

 Acknowledging his hubby’s late-blooming bisexuality, Clay arranges for them to have occasional three-way sex with a woman. Veronica, who’s expert in the use of strap-on dildos, enjoys getting her freak on with them sometimes (“Kevin´s bubble butt is just amazing,” she raves). Archie’s OK with it all, but declines Kev and Clay’s offer to make it a group sex scene. Plural spouses Gino, Olga San Quentín and Mike Pellerito are game, though; they eagerly fall up in Kevin and Clayton´s bed whenever they visit Riverdale! The same goes for Josetta James; although she’s strictly Sapphic now, she can't get enough of the way Kev eats her p*ssy. “Baby boy, if you were a Lesbian,” Josie tells him, “you’d have lady lovers stacked up in a line!”

2019
Dance music icon Nero the Dog is hit with several paternity suits. All of them are bogus except one involving Roxanne Roxanna Danna, a slender Great Dane from Fresno. (“I always did like tall girls,” Nero admits.) Child support is a pain in the ass, but Nero couldn’t be prouder when two of his litter, Venus and Serena, grow up to be best-in-show dogs. “Ain’t that a bitch?” he’ll brag to Bree Spellman. "Watch your language!" she scolds.  Veronica takes up male physique photography as a hobby; among her nude subjects will be her husband Archie, Kevin Keller and Archie Comics artist Dan Parent. 

 Trevor Smith co-founds Esperanto, a Web-based music service based in Europe. He, Christina, and little Trev move from Riverdale to London; before leaving, Trevor gifts Archie with “Dr. Thunder”, his favorite Fender bass. (Years later, this instrument will reside in an Archies museum housed at Riverdale Music Academy.) Betty gives birth to Gloria Veronica Cooper, her first child with Anderson Cooper. Veronica is overjoyed, and agrees to be godmother. At age 58, Olga San Quentín gives birth to Donna Marie San Quentín, fathered by Mike Pellerito. Gino carries on without Olga on the road; ex-Bettys lead guitarist Jonniemae Trouten replaces her for a few months.

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ARCHIE COMICS ARTIST DAN PARENT 
AS PHOTOGRAPHED BY VERONICA

Bree Spellman marries up her longtime beau, Harvey Kinkle. He has transitioned to female, and is now known as Heather Kind. (Bree’s feelings are unaffected; she knew “Harvey” was a woman long before Heather did!) Just before the Witch’s Wedding Ritual is held, Sabrina's mysterious mentor Ms. Della appears in a puff of smoke. “I’m so glad you came,” she cries. “Silence!” the former Head Witch commands. “I have something very important to say.” 

 She confirms what Sabrina always suspected: She is her actual birth mother! “When I was chosen to lead the Universal Coven shortly after you were born, I didn’t have time to devote to your proper upbringing,” Della confesses, “but I didn’t want you to feel that I’d abandoned you. That’s why I asked your aunts Hilda and Zelda not to reveal that I was your mother. My frequent criticisms of them aside, they did a marvelous job raising you. Can you forgive me?” Bree takes Della’s hand in hers. “I’ve known the truth since I was nine years old! Salem told me. You know that cat could never keep a secret! And I knew you’d tell me, too, when you felt the time was right.  I trusted your judgment. ” For the first time anyone can remember, the elder sorceress’s stern demeanor melts away; she envelops Bree in her arms! 

 Sabrina insists that her mother officiate the Wedding Ritual; but Ms. Della’s involvement means that only witches can attend. Bree’s bride is granted temporary witchcraft powers so that her marriage can be recognized in the Sorcerer’s Realm. "What a marvelous gift!" Heather cries.  "I'm going to give myself what every Transwoman dreams about: A vagina."  Bree is visibly dismayed, and starts to say something to her wife.  Salem the Cat pulls her to one side: “Don’t worry! Heather understands that her spells are just as temporary as her magic powers, and she’s OK with it. Let her have this wish; it will be a learning experience for both of you. Besides,” he purrs, “a little p*ssy won’t hurt you!”  Overhearing him, Ms. Della thunders:  "Watch your language!"

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MS. DELLA CONDUCTS A WITCH'S WEDDING
RITUAL FOR  SABRINA AND HER BRIDE, 
THE FORMER HARVEY KINKLE

Jason Blossom and Bridget Reilly welcome their son, Carlyle. Blessed by Jason’s sister Cheryl, who’s become a reform Jewish rabbi, the carrot-top tyke is heir to the Blossom fortune. (Even so, Jason’s vast estate will be litigated by the numerous bastard children he’s fathered since high school!) Cheryl attends the bris, at which the baby wets Jason’s face as he bends over to kiss it on the forehead! As her enraged husband sputters and swears, Bridget and Cheryl struggle to keep from cracking up. 

While Mama nurses baby, Papa becomes re-acquainted with Devon Sweetbottom, Kevin Keller’s high school boyfriend. “Is that a gun in your pocket, Jay-B,” he coyly asks Jason, “or is it true what they say? Do you really have the D*ck of Death?” Jason feigns anger, but is secretly intrigued. 

After pursuing a brief modeling career, Devon has become a Gay porn star and high-priced escort. His raunchy appearances in such XXX features as Backfield In Motion, Crouching Horndog/Hidden Sausage and The Ass Bottom Boat have closeted male celebrities all but beating down his door! Making movies rocks, but what dude really craves is a singing career. “I’ll do anything to get a recording contract” he says. Keeping that in mind, Jason signs him up with Republic International Records. 

 A & R chief Roni Lodge-Andrews winces when she hears Devon’s demo tape. “Please,” she begs Jason. “Let me take my Daddy’s shotgun and put this child out of his misery!  He sounds like he’s in pain!” “That’s what AutoTune is for,” he laughs. “Technology can only do much,” Roni warns him. Predictably, Devon’s Hillbilly Hip-Hop album Raw Like Sewage won’t sell worth a damn; however, the reissue will chart years later when he capitalizes on his part in the Benazir Bhooty scandal (about which more will be said later).

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PROMO FOR "BACKFIELD IN MOTION", 
THE MOVIE THAT CATAPULTED 
DEVON SWEETBOTTOM
TO GAY XXX STARDOM