18 February 2015

Archie 4 Adults (Part Ten)


Sabrina + The New Archies
Mama Can't Buy You Love
The Pop Culture Cantina presents yet another
bawdy cartoon burlesque featuring
fan art images based on
Archie Comics Characters
Sabrina the Sorceress
Salem the Cat     Nero the Dog
Sir Ambrose Nixon
The Abominable Miss Fang
Corky Clayton     Lyle Jason Blossom     Mama Shelly
The New Archies:
Donna Dante . . . vocals, bass
Mal Hypster . . . vocals, drums, percussion
Toby Maxx . . . saxophone
Rikki Ninja . . . vocals, keyboards
Ramsay Khalid Sharma . . . rhythm guitar
Lana Suzuki . . . lead guitar
members of the original Archies
and introducing
Carmen Serna
The Wicked Witch Of New Jersey
with cameo appearances by celebrities including
Anderson Cooper, Justin Bieber, Ron Dante
and Bruce Frey (Professor Bubblegum)
in adorable cartoon form
Burlesque written, directed and staged by
Donny Hampton Jacobs

Part Four:
The Year 2050
New Year’s Day: Separately, the current and former members of The New Archies welcome the 2050s.  Rikki Ninja and lover Lyle Jason Blossom wind up the holidays at the Swiss chalet where they fell in love. Ninja is helping Lyle feel comfortable expressing female gender identity; just before Christmas, they went on a no-holds-barred shopping spree for women’s clothing items. “I adore Yves Saint-Laurent”, LJB gushes, “but I’d better be careful! I can’t afford such expensive fashions on the stipend I get from Carmen Serna.” “Keep still, mamacita,” his boyfriend scolds, “while I apply this blush to your cheeks.” Unfortunately, Ninja’s makeup tips aren’t very useful: Dude never once used cosmetics before he transitioned to male gender! “I was the butchest little Puerto Rican girl you ever saw,” he laughs. Still, the experimentation is fun for both of them.

Back in the USA, there’s not much fun in Nashville.  Mal Hypster is there, visiting his sister Cass and her wife, Pop diva and former New Archie Garcy Briseño. “Chi, you still haven’t opened your Christmas presents!” Garcy pouts. "I'm sure they're all very nice," he sighs absent-mindedly. Neither is the mood festive in Cambridge, where Lana Suzuki, her mother Shelly, New Archies chauffeur Hornytoad and Toby Maxx greeted the holidays together. "Toto used to love my tonkatsu nuggets," Mama Shelly laments, "but now, the boy won't eat a single bite!" Both Chi and Toto are down in the dumps following their acrimonious split at the end of 2049; lonely and inconsolable, the former lovers have thrown a wet blanket over the yuletide season for their friends and relatives!


Meanwhile, actors Frankie Fujiyama and Donna Dante have taken a working holiday: New Year’s Day finds them both shooting scenes on location in Saginaw, Michigan. Dee Dee is playing a supporting role in Sammy's Big Score, Frankie Fujiyama’s latest action flick.  The two were once a hot item, but it ended badly.  When the part was offered, Dee Dee passed on it; but her agent told her it was foolish to turn down a Sammy Kalani detective film. "This could make your career!" he insisted, and she couldn't disagree. "At least we don't have any scenes together," she sighs. Standing atop a giant oil rig, the sexy young actress finishes lines of dialogue that will end with her character dying in an explosion. All her scenes now completed, she lingers to chat with members of the film crew. Suddenly she feels a hand on her shoulder; spinning around, she finds herself face-to-face with the only man she ever loved!

To her shock and dismay, Frankie Fujiyama takes her in his arms for a lingering kiss. It feels strangely cold, and she pushes him away: "Back off, Fuji! You know I don't skank around with married men!" Stepping back, the handsome leading man appraises her curvaceous body; she feels him undressing her with lust-filled eyes! “This isn’t like Fuji”, she thinks. “He was always such a gentleman before! Hollywood certainly has changed him.” "Oh, Dee Dee", he coos. "Please come back! I made a terrible mistake marrying Carmen. I'm going to divorce her and marry you! When I saw you again, I realized that you're the only woman for me."

"Forget about it, dude," she snaps. "You chose to elope with that Jersey City skeezer, and now you're stuck with her! Besides, I only play supporting roles in the movies. Never in real life!" Fuji starts to sob. "You hate me, don’t you?" Immediately, old suppressed feelings surface: Dee Dee’s heart begins to melt. "Oh, no!" she cries, taking his hand. "I could never hate you!" Suddenly a loud whistle sounds. Dee Dee turns in its direction and says, "That's the signal to get off the rig. They're going to blow this mother sky high! We'll talk more down on the set, Fuji." But when she turns back, Frankie Fujiyama is gone!

"Fuji? Where are you?" she yells, circling the rig platform. "My God, he'll be blown up! I've got to get down below and stop them from setting off that dynamite." She rushes into the empty elevator cab and pulls the gate shut. "This cab can't get to the bottom fast enough for me!" she pants. "Oh, really?" brays a woman's voice with a rasping New Jersey accent. The elevator lurches hard, throwing Dee Dee off her feet. It freezes in place and won't move, no matter how hard she jabs at the down button! Raucous laughter fills the air around her.

"You don't have to worry about Frankie, Donna. He was never on this oil rig! You may have believed you were kissing my husband, but it was just an optical illusion. My parting gift to you! I hope you enjoyed it, b*tch!" A sick feeling rises in the pit of Dee Dee's stomach. She recognizes that voice! It's Carmen Serna! "What do you want, Carmen?", she yells. "I want you to die, b*tch!" the disembodied voice snaps. "It's true: Frankie does still have feelings for you. But he'll forget your stinking c*nt soon enough when you're cold and dead in the grave! Bye bye, sugar!" Dee Dee screams as the elevator goes into free fall, plunging to the bottom of the shaft. "This cab can't get to the bottom fast enough for me, either!" shrieks Carmen. "And if the crash doesn't kill you, the explosion will. Don't bother screaming; nobody can hear you through those soundproof steel walls!"


But somebody DOES hear. Miles away in Boston, Nero the Dog awakes from a sound sleep in his basket bed. He bolts upright with his ears standing up! On legs racked with arthritic pain, the aged poodle hobbles through the penthouse apartment he shares with producer Bree Spellman, her wife, Heather Kind and Salem the Cat. With a mighty leap, he springs onto their bed. "WTF?" Bree blurts. "It's Dee Dee," he whimpers in dog language. "She's in danger! I saw it in a dream, but I know it was real! We've got to go to Saginaw right now!

Traveling faster than the speed of sound, Sabrina and Nero arrive at the movie set.   At the bottom of an oil rig, they see a crowd of extras and crew crowded around a wrecked elevator cab. "We're too late!" Nero howls. "No, we're not," Bree says. "Get out of my way! Let me pass!" As if on cue, the crowd parts and the regal blonde walks to the elevator shaft. Looking down, she holds out her arms. "Come up to me, Dee Dee!" she shouts.

There’s a sound of grinding metal, and of someone climbing out of the shaft. Reaching down, Bree grasps the hand of Donna Dante! "She's alive!" one of the extras yells. "It's a f*cking miracle!" "How did she survive?" Nero sputters in dog language. "As soon as you told me about your dream," Bree replies, "I cast a protective spell around her. It was just in time, too; the elevator cab was mere seconds away from crashing!" Dee Dee steps out of the shaft, disheveled but unhurt. "Carmen Serna did this!” she sobs. “That crazy motherf*cker tried to kill me!"

"And if at first you don't succeed", a deafeningly loud voice adds, "just try, try again!"  From out of nowhere comes the pounding beat of Elton John's classic rocker "The B*tch Is Back!"  Screaming and pointing at the sky, the crowd scatters across the film set. Before she can look up, Bree feels a huge, powerful hand grab her by the hair and lift her off the ground! She's lifted up level with the eyes of the gigantic form that has taken her prisoner. Instantly, Bree recognizes those evil black orbs: It is Carmen Serna, grown to ten times her normal size!

"Time to die, you decrepit old witch!" the Jersey City sorceress rasps. Swinging Bree by the hair, the giant dashes her hard against one of the steel girders of the oil rig! There is a sickening snap and a strangled cry; The Wicked Witch of New Jersey lets go, and Bree's body drops to the ground.  It lies there, crumpled and still. "You monster!" Dee Dee screams. "You've murdered her!"

Carmen’s peals of laughter fill the air like thundercracks. "I should have known I'd have to deal with Sabrina first, but I like it better this way," she gloats. "Much better! Now, Donna Dante, I can watch you die! I'm going to crush you to death with my own hands." Before Dee Dee can run, massive fingers close around her; the pressure is terrible!

As these things are happening, Nero is slowly creeping away from the scene on stealthy paws! Carmen's giant form is nothing but an optical illusion, and puppy knew it from the start; his excellent sense of smell detects the real Carmen standing a short distance away. As he draws closer, he can actually see the evil sorceress: Normal-sized, head thrown back, laughing maniacally. Nero circles around behind her, and then with a snarl, he springs!

As his teeth close in her left buttock, she screams with fury, and her optical illusion quickly fades. The crazed witch grabs for Nero's throat, but puppy eludes her! Faking her out like a pro, he runs between Carmen's legs, toppling her to the ground; and as she tries to regain her footing, puppy chomps her in the ass again! "Gnaw on her, Nero!" Dee Dee screams. "Bite that b*tch up!"

But with a lightning fast movement, Carmen grabs the wonder poodle by his collar; he snaps at her and twists furiously, but her grip is like iron! Lifting Nero to eye level, she fixes him with her burning gaze: "Damn dog! Look into the poison eyes of Carmen Serna!" Poor Nero shudders and stiffens! With an evil cackle, the Jersey City sorceress drops his lifeless body to the ground. "Oh, no!" Dee Dee sobs. "Not Nero, too!"

Suddenly, a lightning bolt strikes Carmen Serna full in the face, knocking her back on the ground! A dazed Donna Dante turns to look in the direction it came from.  She is shocked to see a huge, disembodied animal head floating in mid-air! "It's Salem!" she gasps. He is the source of the magic lightning! Where has Sabrina’s feline friend been all this time? The answer: Fighting a life-or-death battle of his own!


Here’s what happened just minutes earlier back in Boston: As a slightly inebriated Salem the Cat sauntered home from a wild New Year's Eve Party, Carmen’s Hound from Hell ambushed him! Seizing Salem from behind in her viselike jaws, The Abominable Miss Fang tried to snap his spine in two! Twisting free, the brave witch cat stood his ground, casting spell after spell at the onrushing Devil dog. His magic had no effect on her at all!

"Up against the wall, tabby motherf*cker!" Miss Fang bellowed in dog language. "Your scrawny ass is mine!" That's when the hair on Sabrina's pussy stood straight up in the air! "I’m not a tabby, you butthead!,” he hissed. “I’m a tuxedo cat. But if you wanna pop open a can of Whip Ass, let’s do it alley-cat style! Bring it here, b*tch!" With an enraged yowl, Salem executed a triple somersault, landed on the demon Rottweiler’s back, and dug in deep with razor-sharp claws. Less than two minutes later, Salem had mauled Miss Fang from snout to tail!  B*tch looked like a canine version of Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown: A jigsaw puzzle with lots of pieces missing!

Howling in agony, Miss Fang beat a hasty retreat out of the earthly realm. Salem took a few precious seconds to lick his wounds. “Carmen Serna is behind this sneak attack,” he snarled. “She wanted to be Head Witch so bad!  I heard Sabrina's coronation made her go batsh*t.  Now she's lashing out at Bree, trying to kill her friends!  There’s bound to be other attacks.” Rousing himself, the bruised and bloodied cat rushed to warn Sabrina! At her penthouse, his sensitive nose picked up her flying broom trail: “She’s gone to Saginaw!” Having arrived on the scene too late to save Bree from Carmen's vengeance, Salem summons up all his witchcraft powers to use against her!

"Give yourself up, Carmen," he demands in cat language (and being a sorceress, she understands every word). "I've just taken your eyesight away! My next zap will make you deaf!" Laughing in triumph, Carmen Serna jumps to her feet. "Fool of a mangy cat! Your magic is too weak to blind me! My eyes are a little blurry, but I can still see you . . . well enough to kill you!"  An arrow of flame leaps from her fingertip; Salem dodges it!   "Put up or shut up, b*tch!" he snaps. "You're f*ckin' around with the wrong pussy!" A remarkable magic firestorm fills the air: Lightning bolts flying back and forth, too fast and bright for the naked eye to see!

Salem launches a furious defense and deftly evades Carmen's return fire; however, she is the superior combatant and he realizes it too late! Dee Dee doesn't see Salem get hit, but seconds after the firestorm subsides, she screams at the sight of his poor, charred body lying next to the oil rig. Sabrina's best friend has died a valiant but horrible death!

But Donna Dante’s self-protection instincts have finally kicked in: Just as Carmen turns to face her again, Dee Dee lets fly with a deadly karate kick to her solar plexus! "Lana Suzuki taught me how to defend myself," she yells. "Haa-YAAA! Try some of this, you murdering hoe!" Another kick connects with Carmen's knee, and a third catches her square under the chin. It's powerful enough to break her neck, but babe just stands there and smiles! She isn’t even staggered.

With her wavy raven hair resembling a Medusa headdress, the Wicked Witch of New Jersey slowly advances on her longtime rival; her poison eyes overflow with sheer hatred! Remembering how Nero the Dog died, Donna shields her eyes and steels herself for the worst. “Stupid b*tch!  Did you really think that feeble Bruce Lee imitation of yours could hurt me? As if! Who do you think killed Bruce Lee? As well as his son Brandon? Traveling into the past to merk famous people is hella fun!” Carmen cackles in gleeful anticipation of the next murder she’s about to commit. “There’s nobody left to protect you, Donna Dante. Prepare to die! I promise the end will come quickly; I've wasted enough time on you!"

And you've wasted enough of my time," a regal voice states grimly. "WTF?" Carmen exclaims. "Sabrina? You're still alive?" The Jersey City sorceress doesn't even have time to turn in Bree's direction; she finds herself frozen in place! And though she can't see it, Carmen can feel the ground drop away beneath her feet. She can sense the presence of a deep, yawning hole! "It's the Seventh Void," she gasps. "No, Sabrina! You can't send me there!"

"What happened to Miss Bad Ass?" Bree wants to know. "Not so bold now, are you, Carmen? Did you forget the punishment for attacking a Head Witch?" Sabrina's emerald eyes smoulder and flash as she lies prostrate on her side, glaring at her stricken enemy. No other evidence of her masterful spell is visible! "I mentored you," she intones coldly. "I thought you were something special. You had potential to become a great sorceress, and an even greater singer! When I chose Dee Dee for The New Archies instead of you, I worried that I might’ve made a mistake. I didn't listen to Salem, but he was right about you all along: You're evil! Bad to the bone! And b*tch . . . you are going down!"

The evil sorceress's pitiable screams as she sinks into the Void bring some of the film crew running back. The first to spot her is her estranged husband, actor Frankie Fujiyama; he recoils in horror! "Stop, Sabrina, stop! What are you doing to my wife? Hold on, Carmelita, I'm coming! I'll save you!" "No, Fuji!" Dee Dee screams. "Stay away from her!" But it's too late: Just as Carmen's head sinks below ground level, Fuji dives into the Void! Seconds later, the inky black hole closes over them . . . forever. "Bring them back, Bree!" Dee Dee pleads. "There's no coming back from The Seventh Void," the Witch Queen replies quietly. "I'm sorry, but Frankie chose his fate! He wanted to be with her."

Crawling over to where brave little Nero lay, Dee Dee cradles his furry head in her arms. She becomes hysterical: "Nero . . . then Salem . . . and now, Fuji? I can't stand it! I wish I were dead, too!" "You will be dead if we don't get out of here," Sabrina promises, pulling herself up to a sitting position. "Crying won't help anybody. Stop acting melodramatic and pull yourself together!" She yells at the film crew: "Stay back! There's still danger!" Facing Dee Dee again, Bree says: "This oil rig was set to explode, remember?  I've delayed the blast as long as I can. Grab hold of my hand, honey, and get ready to travel!" Donna Dante is only able to touch fingertips with Sabrina before a massive blast engulfs them both in smoke and flaming debris!


One week later, Dee Dee is visiting Bree and her wife Heather in their Boston brownstone penthouse. The three women have just returned from a memorial service for Frankie Fujiyama and Carmen Serna. Recovering from an injury to her spine, Bree is confined to a wheelchair. The world knows nothing of Carmen’s murderous attacks: Bree’s magic spells purged the memories of everyone present that day on the location film set.  News media reported that a timed prop explosion detonated too soon: Poor Frankie, along with his wife who was visiting him on the set, were blown to bits along with an unidentified cat and dog. Bree was injured; Dee Dee was miraculously unhurt. That’s the official story, but the three women sitting in Bree’s living room know what really happened!

“It’s better this way,” Bree tells Heather. “Carmen’s fans never knew how evil she was, and they never will! She’ll be remembered for the good music she made, not the hatred that twisted her mind. She made the mistake of delving into voodoo and other Dark Arts; a half-human witch cannot control those forces! I know of several instances where it was attempted, and the witch was always driven insane. That’s undoubtedly what happened to Carmen Serna.”

“You say she and Frankie aren’t dead,” Heather notes. “Where have they gone?” “The Seventh Void is a place of severe punishment,” Bree replies. “Carmen and Frankie will devolve into lower animals, completely unintelligent life forms. It’s a form of divine justice: The powerful are made vulnerable! In fact, the two of them will be so vulnerable to predators, it’s doubtful that they’ll survive for long.”

“Poor Fuji,” Dee Dee sobs. “Dry those tears, “ Bree tells her, “because I’ve something to show you that will put a smile on your face!” Extending her arms in front of her, the sorceress spreads her hands open wide. Above each palm appears a glassy orb; inside are images that move! Dee Dee and Heather are thrilled to hear a familiar bark, as well as contented mewing. “It’s Nero and Salem!”, cries Dee Dee. “They’re alive!”

Sabrina clarifies their status: “Their bodies died, but their life essences are here with me. I was able to capture them before they crossed over to the Other Side. This is something only a Witch Queen can do, and only if the victims have died before their time.” Heather interjects: “Sabrina explained this to me years ago, how life essences can be transferred between bodies. That’s how Salem became a cat!” “But Salem’s human body never died,” Bree reveals. “It’s been preserved in the Sorcerer’s Realm all this time, waiting until the day he atoned for his crimes.”

“Oh, Bree,” whispers Dee Dee, “Salem tried to save my life! Isn’t it time to forgive him?” “Yes, indeed, it is,” Sabrina says with a broad smile. “The Universal Coven has now pardoned Salem Saberhagen for his past misdeeds.  Congratulations, old friend!  By the power vested in me as Witch Queen, I hereby return you to your original form!”

Salem’s orb explodes in a burst of rainbow color, temporarily blinding everyone in the room!  When visibility returns, Dee Dee is suddenly aware of a slender, dark-haired man lying naked on the carpeting. “Don’t just stand there gawking,” the embarrassed sorcerer pleads. “Get me some f*cking clothes! It will take a few days until my magic powers return to full strength.” “I forgot that a man can blush all over his body,” Bree teases. “Just let us ogle you a few minutes more.”

“Sabrina!” Salem bawls. The women burst out laughing!  Seconds later, Bree conjures up a tank top and cargo shorts for the exasperated former cat. Eagerly, Dee Dee inquires: “Can you do the same thing for Nero?” “Not exactly,” Bree tells her. “Nero’s body was killed; his spirit can’t live in it anymore. For now, puppy will remain with me; but I have big plans for our beloved poodle! He has earned a special gift. Salem’s life as a human being takes up where it left off centuries ago; but when Nero becomes human, and I promise you that he will, his life will begin all over again!” Dee Dee squeals with delight; inside his spirit orb, Nero cavorts joyously.

As this happy scene plays out on the top floor of Sabrina's brownstone, construction workers blast a micro-boom box down on the street.  "'The B*tch Is Back!'", one of them laughs.  "I can't stop playing that song!  It's my favorite Elton John record."  Suddenly, a flamboyant woman dressed from head to toe in black lace appears at the corner.  The builders break into a chorus of randy wolf whistles; the lady pretends to ignore them as she swishes by.

 If Bree, Heather and Dee Dee were looking out the window, they’d recognize her as a mysterious mourner they’d seen at the memorial service. Seductively, the lady in black walks to the front steps of Bree's brownstone; then she stops and looks up at the penthouse. For a moment, Carmen Serna lifts the heavy veil that drapes her picture hat and covers her lovely but cruel face. A pair of poisonous black eyes flash murderously! "Revenge is best served cold," she hisses through clenched teeth. "Someday, Sabrina! Someday!"


In June of 2050, all but one of the USA’s Top Ten Pop records are ballads; two of them are sung by Garcy Briseño.  Since leaving The New Archies in 2042, Garcy has racked up seven Gold and Platinum albums; her records seem to always be on the radio.  Witch Queen Studios production assistant Tara Nation Faws goes to Sabrina with a suggestion: “Why don’t we do an all-ballad compilation on The New Archies? The things Garcy recorded with them are still plenty commercial.” Bree gives her the go-ahead to select and sequence sixteen ballads.  They're culled from the group’s six studio albums, their TV series soundtrack and twelve years of session outtakes.

Tara’s original plan is to feature Garcy’s lead vocals exclusively, but the superstar’s current record label takes a dim view of that idea. So do The New Archies (especially Donna Dante, who doesn’t hesitate to make her opposition known)! Accordingly, Tara modifies her album concept. When released, Light Of Day is evenly split between performances by Garcy Briseño, Mal Hypster and Rikki Ninja.  Known for singing lead on uptempo sides, Dee Dee performs just two of the ballad selections. Working closely with Witch Queen’s chief engineer Yvonne Remy, TNF remixes the sixteen tracks to reflect a more contemporary sound.

“The Magic Circle is back!” Billboard’s album reviewer trumpets, referring to the famous vocal blend of Dee Dee, Garcy and Chi. Tara’s ballad remixes lean toward neo-Goth, but that doesn’t stop old-school “Quiet Storm” radio programmers from putting several in rotation. Gems that get showcased for the first time include melancholy Magic Circle vocals on the Tommy James-penned title track; Ninja’s majestic lead on Petula Clark’s “Just Say Goodbye”; Donna Dante pouring raw emotion into “If We Both Hold On”, a previously unissued side; Garcy’s soulful update of the 1966 Shades of Blue hit “Oh, How Happy”, and her sublime reading of “VIP”, originally done by Detroit Soul diva Scherrie Payne. Quiet Stormers also pay attention to a song from the failed For Pete’s Sake album: “If I Ever Get To Saginaw Again!” Mal Hypster’s superb performance of this Country/Pop weeper will become better known than the Monkees’ recording (which is equally fine).

Radio Disney’s “Lambda Lovers” program spotlights “That’s The Boy”, another previously unissued track; it dates from The New Archies' 2037 début album sessions. Tara Nation Faws finds two vocal takes in the Witch Queen tape library: One led by Garcy Briseño, and another featuring Mal Hypster. She chooses the latter to remix. “Good choice!” Sabrina nods. “That was the best take. Chi’s singing on the bridge sent chills down my spine; he was just wailing away! The Magic Circle’s backing vocal arrangement was something special, too.”

Back in 2011, The Archies cut a version of “That’s The Boy” with Betty on lead; however, Dee Dee, Chi and Garcy took their cues from the original 1965 recording by Lesley Gore. Written as the lament of a teenage girl in love with a boy who mistreats her, its angst-ridden lyrics work well in a homoerotic context: He gives me hours of sorrow/For every moment of joy/But that's the boy/What can I do about him?* Reflecting on his failed romance with Mal Hypster, a torch-bearing Toby Maxx certainly thinks so!  When The New Archies serve as Grand Marshals for Boston’s 2052 Gay Mardi Gras, Chi and a quartet of drag divas will perform it live. Dropping to one knee for a full-throated finale, dude will rate thunderous applause (and beaucoup attitude from his background singers, who resent being upstaged)!


Media buzz about “That’s The Boy” and interest in other selections from Light Of Day propel the new album into the Top Twenty! On extended hiatus to assess their future in the wake of Donna Dante’s departure, Mal Hypster, Toby Maxx, Rikki Ninja and Lana Suzuki find the album’s reception most encouraging. Tara Nation Faws gets busy planning a follow-up that will concentrate on dance-oriented tracks. Unfortunately, that’s not all she’s busy doing!

In August, she and her street thug boyfriend, Bam Bam Stuydevant, get busted for running a meth lab!  Production on her second compilation grinds to a halt.  TNF cops a plea deal which keeps her out of prison, but boss lady Sabrina kicks her ass to the curb!  "I pay my staff top dollar," she reminds Tara. "Nobody here has to hustle to get by!  And as for drug-dealing . . . whoa now!  You can't roll with Bree anymore; I rock clean and sober.  Hit the road, honey!"  Babe never works on another Witch Queen Studios project!

Republic USA 50-6900
VIP (Bond, Johnson, Perry)*
Alternate Take: Liar! (Russ Ballard)*
Shades Of Gray (Mann, Weil)**
Alternate Take: This Is My Song (Chaplin, Delanoé)***
The Door Into Summer (Douglas, Martin)****
Previously Unreleased: If We Both Hold On (Barry, Wine)*****
I Don’t Think You Know Me (Goffin, King)****
Alternate Take: Running In And Out (Brown, Gordy)*
I See The Light (Elliot Chiprut)*
Alternate Take: Never Been To Spain (Hoyt Axton)*****
Where Do You Go? (Sonny Bono)***
If I Ever Get To Saginaw Again (Keller, Russell)****
Light Of Day (James, King)******
Previously Unreleased: That’s The Boy (Mann, Weil)*****
Oh, How Happy (Edwin Starr)*
Just Say Goodbye (Clark, Hatch, Delanoé)****
Light Of Day
Ballads + Blues
The New Archies
*Lead Vocals by Garcy Briseño
**Trio Vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster
and Rikki Ninja
***Lead Vocals by Rikki Ninja
****Lead Vocals by Mal Hypster
*****Lead Vocals by Donna Dante
******Trio Vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster
and Garcy Briseño
A Witch Queen Production
A Tarnation Falls Mix
Compilation Produced and Remixed by
Tara Nation Faws
Selections originally produced by Bree Spellman,
Nero, Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
Remixed @ Witch Queen Studios, Boston
Remix Engineer: Yvonne Remy

Late 2050
The movie Sammy’s Big Score is a posthumous box office hit for its star, Frankie Fujiyama. Donna Dante’s acting earns good reviews, enabling her to compete for even better supporting roles. Back in human form, Salem Saberhagen takes a more active role in the administration of Sabrina’s Witch Queen Studios. Bree is frequently away in the Sorcerer’s Realm, performing the duties of a Witch Queen. Mal Hypster returns to the Nashville session work he did as a teenager with his family singing group, The Hypsterz.  Chi takes an occasional modeling job on the side, and juggles several boyfriends. Outwardly, he seems content but professionally he’s mighty frustrated! Fashion shoots bore him stiff, and though he digs working with other acts, dude still dreams of becoming a Country music superstar. Sex isn’t fulfilling, either; with Toby Maxx no longer in his life, Chi feels a gnawing void inside.

With his wicked half-sister and estate administrator (supposedly) dead, Lyle Jason Blossom is back in control of his inheritance! (Carmen Serna still has access to Blossom funds, though, via a secret Swiss bank account.) LJB continues his slow but steady journey toward gender transition, with loving encouragement from Rikki Ninja. Toto and Ninja continue to rack up successes as a production team; they branch out from neo-Hip Hop into Jazz and Latin music. The genre expansion will result in a pair of Grammy nominations.  "It feels like I'm on top of the world," Toby Maxx laughs.  However, just like Mal Hypster, dude is erecting a false front of happiness!  He secretly begins drinking again in a vain attempt to suppress his longing for Chi.

He hires Corky Clayton, who first worked with The New Archies on their TV project, to become the new chief engineer at his Mad Groovy Studios. Shelly Suzuki’s illness and subsequent Alzheimer’s diagnosis have left him no choice but to replace her. Most of Lana Suzuki’s time is now spent caring for Mama Shelly; sadly, her much-beloved mother grows more confused every day. The day after Corky comes on board, Lana reluctanly makes an announcement: She is quitting The New Archies!

“Mum needs ‘round-the-clock caring for now,” she explains. “Her memory has gotten very bad in a very short time. I’m not having her sent to a nursing home . . . no way! And I can’t bear the thought of having a stranger look after her. So it’s down to me. I’m not worried about money; I have a quite a bit saved up, so we can live comfortably. But touring with a band is just impossible for me now!”

“You don’t have to tour,” Ninja protests. “We can hire a guitarist to go out on the road with us.” Lana won’t hear of this! Either she performs all the responsibilities of a band member, or she performs none of them. “Please don’t go, Susu!” Toby Maxx insists, tenderly taking her hands in his own. “This is your home, and Mama Shelly’s home, too. If you can’t be in the group anymore, we understand why; but what about taking over the producer’s chair? After all, The New Archies only cut tracks every few months. Sign on as an employee of Toto + Ninja Productions! You can supervise our demo sessions, too, have plenty of free time.”

She gasps and starts to object, but Rikki Ninja nods in agreement. “Toto and I are hella busy now, writing and arranging Hip-Hop songs. We’ve actually talked about stepping back and becoming executive producers. As The New Archies’ music director, you’re the best choice to take our places in the booth; and shame on you for thinking we wouldn’t help out with Mama Shelly! She’s no burden; we love her dearly. We can’t stand the thought of either one of you leaving us.” Right hand man Hornytoad chimes in: “Damn straight, Susu! At the Mad Groovy Pad, we’re all one big family.”

Lana barely has time to accept the new job offer before bursting into tears, but her sobbing is barely audible. Babe finds herself buried deep in the center of a fierce group hug! Ninja sends word to Mal Hypster in Nashville (he and Toto still aren’t on speaking terms), who heartily approves of the decision. “Tell Mama Shelly I miss her much,” Chi requests, “and Susu, too! I’ll see them both again next year."  Ninja nods:  "When we cut our new album in the summer, Susu will produce us for the first time."  Lana Suzuki ends up not quitting the band after all; but like Brian Wilson, who stopped touring at the height of The Beach Boys’ popularity, she’ll take a strictly behind-the-scenes role from this point on.


Nero returns! Baby daddy drama (mama drama, too)!  
Gender transition!  Solo albums, 
a new sound for The New Archies, 
and the wildest concert tour ever! 
 The frantic 2050s continue in Part Five of 
"Mama Can't Buy You Love!"

*Excerpt from "That's The Boy", music by Barry Mann, 

lyrics by Cynthia Weil. © Copyright 1965 Screen Gems-
EMI Music (BMI).

06 February 2015

Archie 4 Adults (Part Nine)

NEW ARCHIES 20470001

Sabrina + The New Archies
Mama Can't Buy You Love
The Pop Culture Cantina presents yet another
bawdy cartoon burlesque featuring
fan art images based on
Archie Comics Characters
Sabrina the Sorceress
Salem the Cat     Nero the Dog
Sir Ambrose Nixon
The Abominable Miss Fang
Raj Patel, Jr
Corky Clayton     Lyle Jason Blossom     Mama Shelly
The New Archies:
Donna Dante . . . vocals, bass
Mal Hypster . . . vocals, drums, percussion
Toby Maxx . . . saxophone
Rikki Ninja . . . vocals, keyboards
Ramsay Khalid Sharma . . . rhythm guitar
Lana Suzuki . . . lead guitar
members of the original Archies
and introducing
Carmen Serna
The Wicked Witch Of New Jersey
with cameo appearances by celebrities including
Anderson Cooper, Justin Bieber, Ron Dante
and Bruce Frey (Professor Bubblegum)
in adorable cartoon form
Burlesque written, directed and staged by
Donny Hampton Jacobs

The story so far . . . in the year 2037, with the blessings of Veronica and Archie Andrews, producer Bree Spellman (formerly Sabrina, The Teenage Witch) auditions and creates The New Archies. This Rock group will carry on the legacy of The Archies, who retired in 2032. The members are guitarist/lead singer Garcy Briseño; bassist/lead singer Donna Dante (Dee Dee); percussionist/lead singer Mal Hypster (Chi); keyboard player Rikki Ninja; sax player Toby Maxx (Toto); and drummer Frankie Fujiyama (Fuji). Rejected for membership is Carmen Serna, a vengeful singing witch! She bedevils The New Archies with sorcery but is unable to prevent their becoming successful. Carmen marries up Fuji in 2040 and convinces him to quit the band. The following year, Donna Dante leaves, and the year after that, Garcy goes solo. Battered by these defections, the group disbands! However, Bree's cousin, Sir Ambrose Nixon, promises her that The New Archies saga is not done yet . . .

Part Three:
Who Is Donna Dante?
The Year 2043
Garcy Briseño’s solo career takes off; her self-titled debut album of Tejano-tinged love ballads tops the Pop charts! Critics christen her “The Latina Streisand”. Frankie Fujiyama stars as a Hawaiian detective in Sammy Dead, an action/adventure film that’s a box office smash; he signs to appear in two sequels. Despite the warnings of his sister, fading Country music star LaDiva Garland, Mal Hypster turns his back on a promising modeling career to try his luck in Nashville. Chi signs a singles deal with the Starday label. Rikki Ninja and Chi’s lover Toby Maxx are well on their way to becoming one of the most in-demand production teams working with neo-Hip Hop acts.

Donna Dante forms Donna + The Motherf*ckers with an old friend, guitarist Lana Switchblade, and drummer Penny Abortion. They cause a sensation by offering to beat up male members of the audience after every performance! Lana’s karate training makes this possible; nobody gets hurt, and the gimmick makes them one of the most popular Punk acts around. The trio become fixtures at Atlantic City’s notorious Loose Stool nightclub. During a particularly violent set, Lana’s mind wanders: She recalls how she met Dee Dee as a teenager and learned about her sad past life . . .


It was in the year 2035 that a dynamic new performer took Boston's Rock clubs by storm. Lana caught her act at the Rat's Ass over on Landsdowne Street! The diminutive Southern belle with flowing strawberry blonde hair was one of the most exciting attractions that club ever booked. Later, when Lana and the band she was then gigging with also appeared at the RA, the British immigrant met Donna Dante and befriended her. Though somewhat vague about her background, Dee Dee said she hailed from the Mississippi Delta region. “That’s why I’ve got an authentic Blues sound to my voice,” she explained. “I grew up on that music.”

At first, she claimed not to know much about her parents. She did know that the mother who abandoned her mother was from Nigeria. Later on, Dee Dee confided that her father was a rich man who refused to acknowledge her. “I hate him!” she fumed. “So much so that I won't even speak his name.” She spent her childhood in foster care, and from her lurid descriptions, Lana gathered that she was a victim of abuse: “At fourteen, I just said ‘f*ck this sh*t,’ and I ran away from home!”

Dee Dee admitted to having lived on the streets for awhile, surviving with the help of an occasional Good Samaritan and countless temp jobs. Over the course of four years, the feisty beauty made her way up to New England. “I pride myself on having steered clear of drugs, and I never sold my body for money! I did work as an underage stripper for awhile, and it sucked big-time! Horny bastards slobbering at you every night . . . yipe!  But I made good use of what I learned.”

At that time, Donna Dante was known for incorporating pole dance routines into her performances! She never needed striptease to captivate a crowd, though. “I was really flattered when people started comparing me to Tina Turner and Donna Summer,” she recalled. “But my inspiration was The Archies!  A friend introduced me to their music when I first came to Boston. I got hooked on them right away!” Often, Dee Dee sang Archies numbers on stage: “I’m In Love”, “Love Light” and “Hide And Seek” were big crowd-pleasers. Nobody was surprised when she decided to audition for The New Archies in 2037, when producer Bree Spellman put out a cattle call.

Toby Maxx buys an abandoned firehouse in Cambridge, Massachusetts and begins converting it into a home for himself.  A devotée of the Googie architecture style, Toto plans a space-age interior that will resemble cartoon character George Jetson's Skypad apartment!  The house will also contain a state-of-the-art recording studio for he and Rikki Ninja to work from. Garcy Briseño releases a second million-selling album of ballads! Mal Hypster releases his début Country single, a self-penned tune called "Numb Nuts". “It’s autobiographical,” he informs nervous Starday executives after they hear the record. “There's never before been a Country song with such frank lyrics about Gay sex!  And just wait ‘til you see the music video I’ve planned: Cutting edge, for sure!” Much to Chi’s annoyance, Starday rejects his bold concept and commissions a much tamer video. They also censor the lyrics of his groundbreaking honky-tonk number: “Country fans won't two-step to a song about cornholing!” Despite their cautionary measures, “Numb Nuts” still meets resistance from Country radio, and fizzles out on the charts.

Donna + The Motherf*ckers becomes a royal pain in the ass to its founder, Donna Dante! Group relations become fractious. Penny Abortion wants to lead the group and constantly tries to upstage her; they bicker constantly! “Our music isn’t authentically Punk,” Penny gripes. “You can f*cking hum the songs! Why do we even need singing, anyhow? We should just scream the words.” Dee Dee replies by screaming some rather rude words at Penny! Caught in the middle, Lana Switchblade finds herself playing peacemaker: “It’s the blokes in the audience we’re supposed to be fighting with, not one another! Whatever happened to sisterhood?” She hates the bickering and considers leaving the band; but loyalty to Dee Dee makes her stay put.

In the midst of this turmoil, the band records and releases Runaway Love, an album tribute to Del Shannon; Lana Switchblade produces, and Shelly Suzuki, Lana’s ex-radio DJ mother, engineers the recording. Predictably, Penny Abortion rants about the choice of material: “The Sex Pistols! Iggy and The Stooges! New York Dolls! The Clash! Those are my idols. Del-f*cking-Shannon?  What’s up with this sellout, ‘60s Pop/Rock bullsh*t?” Dee Dee and Lana argue that Punk bands can interpret any genre of music they want to, but Penny is adamant: “This album sucks!”

Rock critics disagree: Runaway Love gets rave reviews! “Stand Up”, the trio’s remake of an obscure Shannon rocker, gets some scattered airplay, too.  However, it’s not nearly enough for the album track to chart. Needing a distraction from group politics, Dee Dee begins taking small roles in independent films. “You’re a natural in front of the camera, sugar,” a small-time casting director assures her. “Thank you so much for saying so,” she grins. “Now, take your hand off my thigh or I’ll f*cking put you in the hospital!”


Carmen Serna’s latest hit record is “Hurtin’ You Turns Me On!” Babe has become one of the top Dance Divas of the early 2040s, with half-a-dozen best-selling records and even a Grammy nomination; but as her singing career soars, her married life crashes and burns! Separated from husband Frankie Fujiyama (again starring on screen as hard-boiled Hawaiian detective Sammy Kalani), Carmen skanks around shamelessly, and inside the entertainment world, she earns a reputation as the Blowjob Queen of New Jersey!

During this period, she starts luring horny male celebrities to her home to sample her "Deep Throat Delight". Some of them are never seen or heard from again! A case in point: Aging former teen idol Justin Bieber. Justin can barely contain himself as he presses the doorbell to Carmen's house in Jersey City. He's been wanting to date her up for months, and tonight's the night! True, he's an old man now, and she's thirty years younger than him, but it’s all good. Dude always did like 'em young!

Carmen answers the door in a sexy see-through pants suit. "Come in, Justin", she purrs in a voice that calls to mind comedienne Joan Rivers. "Have yourself a seat on my couch. It's very comfortable." She sits down next to him, and the 77-year-old horndog pulls her toward him for a deep French kiss. “I’ve got just what you want, b*tch,” he slobbers. “Maximum flavor! I haven’t cleaned this foreskin of mine for weeks. I’ve been saving up all my stank for you, baby.  Lick your lips!” Carmen hears the sound of his pants unzipping!

"Oh, Justin!" she giggles. "Not yet. Right now, it's time for a little snack." "Some of your delicious kosher Mexican cooking?", he asks. "I've heard about what a bitchin' cook you are." "Oh, honey, no!" she replies. “I'm not cooking tonight. YOU are the snack!" From behind the couch, Justin Bieber hears a bone-chilling, guttural growl! Alarmed, he turns just in time to see The Abominable Miss Fang, Carmen's Hound from Hell, leap for his jugular vein.

The ravenously hungry, man-eating Rottweiler snaps his head off with a single bite! “Remember to chew your food!” Carmen Serna scolds. After clearing away the gory mess with her witchcraft powers, she pats her evil pet on the head. "Was it good for you, honey? Yes? Now that you've eaten, let me go upstairs and get ready for my date with Kanye West later tonight. And if you’re still hungry . . . "

Loose Stool 1116
Keep Searchin’ (Del Shannon)
Little Town Flirt (McKenzie, Shannon)
Show Me (Del Shannon)
I Don’t Care Anymore (Del Shannon)
So Long, Baby! (Del Shannon)
For A Little While (Del Shannon)
That’s The Way Love Is (Del Shannon)
Stranger In Town (Del Shannon)
He Was Mine (Nievelt, Shannon)
What Makes You Run? (Del Shannon)
Broken Promises (Del Shannon)
Stand Up! (Del Shannon)
Runaway (Crook, Shannon)
And The Music Plays On (Bourgoise, Shannon)
The Soul of Del Shannon:
Runaway Love
Donna + The Motherf*ckers
A Mama Shelly Production
Music Supervision: Donna Dante
Produced by Lana Switchblade
Sound Engineer: Shelly Suzuki
Recorded @ Black Orchid Studios, Atlantic City

Despite a guest vocal by his famous sister, LaDiva Garland, Mal Hypster's second Country single, "Hog Maws, Chit'lins and Daisy Mae" fails to chart; music critics will later declare it the worst Country record of the decade! “As if I wanted to cut that embarrassing piece of sh*t!” Chi fumes. “Hog Maws? Chit’lins? I’m a kosher Jew!” Lyle Jason Blossom, The New Archies’ manager, collapses in his office at Cabot Artist Management. Tests reveal that he has a rare cancer; only a bone marrow transplant from a close relative can save him. Lyle’s mother, Bridget Reilly, and his Aunt Cheryl have passed on; his only surviving relatives are bastard children of his late billionaire father, Jason Blossom. Most would prefer to see him die so they can lay claim to his inheritance! However, there’s a surprising exception.

One day, commotion breaks out in the waiting room of Beth Israel Hospital when a famous singer walks in the door. Babe isn't sporting the star pasties that have become her on-stage trademark, but there's no mistaking that wavy blonde hair, those ice-blue eyes and her creamy chocolate-colored skin. It's Donna Dante! One of the receptionists, a huge fan, falls into a dead faint at the sight of her! "Isn't Lyle Jason Blossom being treated here?" Dee Dee asks the other receptionist. "I want to be tested as a possible bone marrow donor for him." A nurse is summoned. "Are you a relative of Mr. Blossom, ma'am?" she asks. "I may be," she answers. "I think he and I may have had the same father!"

A news reporter who happens to be standing nearby overhears and starts speed-texting frantically on his videophone. In less than an hour, his sensational news is all over the Twitter tabloids: Billionaire Bastard Child Comes to Blossom Heir's Rescue! Dee Dee is mortified, but she's made up her mind: If she can possibly save Lyle’s life, she's going to do it. Soon, tests will reveal if she is a bone marrow match for him . . . and if Donna Dante really is the illegitimate daughter of Jason Blossom!

Two days later, the leader of Donna + The Motherf*ckers sits by the bedside of a gravely-ill LJB. Also in the room is Rikki Ninja, her ex-boyfriend and former bandmate in The New Archies. Dee Dee is revealing her background to them for the first time. "When I was a little girl, everybody said I was Jason Blossom's daughter," she explains. "I didn't want to believe it, and frankly, I had almost put those painful memories out of my mind. Then you became The New Archies' manager! I have to confess, one of the reasons I quit the group was because being around you made me so uncomfortable."

"If only you had confided in me," Lyle says. "It’s no secret what a total horndog my dad was! He had a lot of mistresses, and a left lot of kids behind. It would be stupid of me to resent any of them; I mean, you can't help who your father was! I don't even resent the ones we know about who refuse to be tested as a donor for me. But I've always liked you, Dee Dee. I'm not surprised you'd offer to be my donor, because that's the kind of person you are. I wish you really were my sister." "I'm so sorry I wasn't a match for you," she sobs. "I finally found out that I'm not Jason Blossom's daughter; but I wish it hadn't been like this!"

Suddenly, the hospital room door opens, and Dr. Maya Andrews bursts in. (Maya is the daughter of Archie Andrews and Veronica Lodge.) "I have exciting news, Lyle! A potential donor came in last night and offered her bone marrow. She claims to be your half-sister, and she probably is! She is a MATCH! We're going to schedule surgery in two days." The room erupts in cheers, until LJB interrupts. "Who is she? I want to meet her. I want to thank her!" "She hoped you would," beams Dr. Andrews. "She and her husband are waiting outside."

"FUJI!" blurts Ninja as Frankie Fujiyama, The New Archies' former drummer, walks into the room. "You're the donor's husband? Then . . . she can only be one person!" Donna Dante hisses loudly as the donor enters Lyle's hospital room. Her eyes brim with angry tears as she once again lays eyes on the woman she hates most in the world . . . the woman who stole Frankie away from her! Carmen Serna!!!  Ignoring Dee Dee's negative reaction to her presence, Fuji's wife addresses herself to Lyle. "Hey there, big brother," she purrs. "I thought it was about time we met!"

That same week, Carmen does provide the life-saving marrow. It turns out that her mother, an exotic dancer named Flame Evangelista, had an affair with Jason Blossom 25 years ago!  However, Lyle Jason Blossom will pay a huge price for her seemingly selfless generosity. Shortly after the transplant, the Wicked Witch of New Jersey performs a voodoo ceremony in her Jersey City sanctum. She momentarily switches her soul into his body, and vice-versa; their shared bone marrow is what ensures the success of this extremely difficult spell!  Carmen’s black magic isn’t powerful enough to effect a permanent soul transfer, but that’s not her intention. La Serna only needs a split-second to create a physical and psychic bond that puts her half-brother’s subconscious mind under her control. Dude is essentially her slave from now on!


Producer Sabrina Spellman contacts the members of The New Archies. She wants to compile a double-length album of the recordings they made together. Everyone is game, and all but Garcy Briseño agree to record new tracks for the compilation. The tunes chosen are "Treat Her Like A Lady", a showcase for Rikki Ninja's Soul stylings; "All Right Now" and "The Time In-Between", with Mal Hypster channeling David Lee Roth and João Gilberto, respectively; and "Wiggle On Out", a vintage Jack Scott Rockabilly number that Sabrina declares is "perfect" for Dee Dee's voice. Dee Dee agrees!

The latter two songs will be pressed up and released as the group’s first new single in five years. On Donna Dante’s recommendation, Bree hires Lana Switchblade to play guitar at the sessions. During this same time, Toby Maxx moves into his Mad Groovy Pad, hires office staff and opens up his recording studio for business; Toto's lover, Mal Hypster, moves in, too.  Chi decides to leave Nashville after his third Country single, "Red-Hot Kisses In A Cold Truck Bed" flops big-time! Starday Records promptly drops the frustrated wannabe hillbilly star from their artist roster.

By the mid-2040s, Carmen Serna’s music career has tapered off; her last single, "Arabian T*tty Torture", is all but ignored.  The fickle dance club crowd has moved on, having outgrown its obsession with her BDSM-oriented Disco fare. Frankie Fujiyama has returned to his estranged wife, but he doesn't stay for long: Dude leaves her again when he suspects her of manipulating Lyle Jason Blossom with witchcraft! “Don’t go spreading silly rumors about me, Frankie,” she warns as he storms out the door. “Miss Fang wouldn’t like that. Would you, baby?” The bloodthirsty Rottweiler from Hell bays like a werewolf, sending chills down his spine!

Fuji keeps his suspicions to himself, but that doesn’t stop the rumors. Everyone who knows Lyle Jason Blossom is shocked when, after he’s finally declared sole heir of his late father’s long-contested estate, he appoints his half-sister as estate administrator! Carmen takes control of billions of Blossom dollars, leaving Lyle with what amounts to a modest allowance. Growling in his throat, Nero the Dog tells Sabrina: “Bree, baby, I smell a rat!” “Me, too,” sniffs Salem the Cat, swishing his long tail. “I don’t think he trusts that sneaky b*tch any more than I do!  What gives?” Busy writing a complex string arrangement for a film score, Bree dismisses them both with a wave of her hand. “You two are always suspecting the worst!” she scolds. “Obviously, Lyle is grateful to Carmen for saving his life. He’s free, Bisexual and over twenty-one! Dude can manage his own money any way he chooses.”

For some time now, Sabrina has known Donna Dante's true parentage.  She also knows that Dee Dee's father is still alive.  Sensing that he only has a few months left to live, Bree casts a spell on this famous man:  She makes him dream about the past.  As the Las Vegas headliner sleeps, the following story plays out in his mind in scenes as vivid as if he were watching HDTV . . . Jason Blossom’s personal assistant Tressa Luongo is never sure whether she loves Jason or not. At times, particularly when they make love, she feels there is no other man for her. At other times, and this is most of the time, Tressa is repulsed by his atrocious manners, his amoral business practices, his bottomless pit of greed, and his cruel treatment of rivals and underlings, herself included! She knows he is sleeping with other women (including, of course, his wife Bridget Reilly) and she’s powerless to stop it. “But what’s good for the fat horny toad is good for the delicate lily pad, too!” she laughs to herself. Tressa decides to find a paramour of her own.

She never expects to find her dreamboat in a Las Vegas showroom, but that's where he is every weekend. By the year 2018, Ron Dante has become the hottest act in Las Vegas; they call him the new Wayne Newton! Tickets to see his show are hard to come by, but Tressa uses Jason Blossom’s name to get one. As she enjoys Ron’s performance from a front row seat, their eyes meet. Sparks fly! Comes an invitation to meet the star backstage after the show. “I’m not one of these singers who pulls girls out of the audience,” Mr. D assures her, ”but I really would love to take you out to dinner. Are you free?” Tressa isn´t free, of course. Jason Blossom would throw a fit if he knew! But she and Ron Dante do go out to dinner once. Then twice. Three, four times. The famous singer is intoxicated by the vivacious Nigerian beauty, and the feeling is definitely mutual! (Seductive saxophone music drifts through Ron Dante’s mind.)

On their final date, they share a hot tub in his penthouse. The sight of Tressa’s voluptuous nude body almost drives Mr. D crazy, but dude manages to keep his cool! After an hour, he sighs: “It’s getting late. We’d better put our clothes on and go.” “We’ll go,” Tressa smiles, “but we really don’t have to put our clothes on yet. Do we?” Rising from the bubbling water, she saucily shakes her ripe breasts at him. Then she leans over and lays the dynamite kiss on Ron that he's been craving ever since he first laid eyes on her! Minutes later, they´re rolling on satin sheets, bodies pressed together, making passionate love. (The sleeping Ron Dante seems to hear the rustling of sheets, passionate sighs, and the soft creaking of a mattress.)

He is in love with Tressa Luongo, and she loves him, too; but she knows she can never break away from Jason Blossom. Jason considers her his property, and would surely use his power and influence to crush Ron Dante if they became a couple! The knowledge that she must break off their affair brings tears to her eyes. “Don´t you understand? We can’t be together,” she sobs, “but we’ll always have tonight!” Mr. D isn’t one to give up easily!  Over the next few weeks, there are flowers, expensive presents and many phone calls to Tressa. It’s sheer agony for her to keep him at arm’s length but she does, and he eventually gives up trying to contact her. Unfortunately, his attempts last long enough for Jason Blossom to get wind of them!

“You little slut!” he bellows, slapping Tressa so hard she falls back across his desk. Grabbing an envelope opener, she lunges at him with murder in her eyes; but he is too strong for her! “You’re fired!” he snarls as she lies crumpled on the floor, sobbing. “And I’ll make sure you never work at a corporation again!” (Droning Heavy Metal guitar chords fill Mr. D’s subconscious mind.) Tressa moves to Biloxi, Mississippi to live with friends; she has no family in the USA. After months of unemployment, she lands a low-paying waitress job. She loses it because of severe morning sickness; she is pregnant! Her child is born in early April of 2019.

WHO IS DONNA DANTEBookScanStation-2014-07-27-03-00-47-PM

Tressa has no idea if the baby is Jason’s or Ron’s, but it suits her purposes to name the little tow-haired girl Blossom. She might have gotten away with doing that, but there’s no way Jason Blossom will tolerate her exposing the criminal enterprises of his company, Republic International! The day she gives a news conference to publicize her forthcoming tell-all memoir, he dials a secret number on his office phone. That night, she disappears! The manuscript of her memoir disappears, too; neither it nor Tressa Luongo will ever be seen again! Jason Blossom knows what happens to her; three Mafia hit men also know, and so do a school of sharks swimming off Cape Cod: That pretty Nigerian woman will be the tastiest dinner they’ll ever have! (The sound of bubbles fills Ron Dante’s strange dream.)

Jason Blossom refuses to claim Tressa’s daughter, and poor Blossom Luongo falls down the black hole that is Mississippi’s foster care system. At age 14, she will run away and eventually find her way to Boston. Developing her inborn musical talent, she becomes the toast of the Boston Rock club circuit: Blossom Luongo disappears forever the first time Donna Dante takes the stage! Little does she know that the name “Dante” is actually her birthright . . . awakening from his dream with a troubled mind, Ron Dante decides to research the life story of The New Archies' bass guitarist. Before long, there’s no doubt in his mind that he is her real father!

Mr. D reaches out to her, offering to pay for a DNA test, but Dee Dee is ambivalent; her life before coming to Boston is a painful memory she wants to distance herself from. One evening, she retrieves an old knapsack from her hall closet. Opening it, she pulls out a handful of items that had belonged to her birth mother; the only things left that connect her to Tressa Luongo!  Among these souvenirs is a wrinkled, signed publicity photo of a Pop singer her mom had apparently liked a lot. The signature reads: Someday, Ron Dante.

Republic 45-123
Wiggle On Out/The Time In-Between
(Jack Scott)/(Aber, Brown, Jones)
The New Archies featuring Donna Dante/
The New Archies featuring Mal Hypster
Produced by Bree Spellman
#12 Pop/#38 Pop

Republic USA 2-4511
Double Scoop Of Mal Hypster
Mama Can’t Buy You Love (Bell, James)
from the film Horndog Millionaire
Eli’s Comin’ (Laura Nyro)
Sooner Or Later (Price, Walsh)
I Got It Bad For You (Levine, Martine)*
All Right Now (Fraser, Rodgers)
Love Is All Around (Sonny Curtis)*
from the film Mary!

Double Scoop Of Donna Dante
Never Been To Spain (Hoyt Axton)
Nowhere To Run (Holland, Dozier)
Heart And Soul (Byrne, Howell)
I’ll Have To Let Him Go (Mickey Stevenson)
Come On And Say It! (Warren Entner)
Wiggle On Out (Jack Scott)

Double Scoop Of Rikki Ninja
Along Comes Mary (Tandy Almer)*
Midnight Confessions (Lou Josie)
Temptation Eyes (Price, Walsh)
Sharp-Dressed Man (ZZ Top)*
Treat Her Like A Lady (Eddie Cornelius)
Jacksonville Station (Levine, Martine)*

Double Scoop Of Garcy Briseño
Can’t Break The Habit (Holland, Dozier)
Shambala (Daniel Moore)
Running In And Out (Brown, Gordy)
Amazing (Ciccone, Mirwaïs)*
Sausalito (Graham Gouldman)*
Lady Jane (James, King)
Double Scoop
The Best Of The New Archies
A Witch Queen Production
A Tarnation Falls Mix
Music Supervision: Salem Saberhagen
Produced by Bree Spellman
Sound Engineers:
Yvonne Remy and Ronnie Shelby
Recorded @ Witch Queen Studios, Boston,
and Abbey Road Studios, London
*Music Supervision:
Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
Produced by Nero
Additional Production and Remix by
Tara Nation Faws
#5 Catalog Albums/#13 Top Albums


Sabrina’s New Archies compilation, Double Scoop, sells Double Platinum! The DVD single “Wiggle On Out” is also a best-seller. After the members complete a round of successful promotional appearances, Bree urges the band to regroup. Donna Dante agrees as long as she can keep taking movie roles. Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx agree if they can take over the group’s production (busier than ever with movie soundtrack work, Bree readily steps aside). Mal Hypster, disillusioned by his aborted attempts to launch a Country music career, is more than ready to return! However, Garcy Briseño declines, and understandably so: She’s topping the charts as a solo artist! “I'll always love The New Archies, but I’m not the kind of artist who retraces her steps,” she tells brother-in-law Chi. “I wish you all good luck. You’ll need it, too: Without my voice in the lead, the odds are stacked against you!” Laughing up his sleeve, he sighs forlornly. “Oh . . . I guess we’ll manage somehow!”

Weary of creative clashes with drummer Penny Abortion, Dee Dee disbands her Punk Rock trio, announces her return to The New Archies, and urges Lana Switchblade to audition for Garcy’s lead guitar spot. As it turns out, no audition is necessary: Chi, Toto and Ninja were all blown away by her versatility and virtuosity at the Double Scoop sessions! In addition to playing guitar, Lana will also become the band’s music director; she drops the Switchblade moniker in favor of her mother’s surname. (Lana's full name is Svetlana Tamiko Presnyetjekova!)  Dee Dee, Ninja and Chi will now be the three lead singers. Toby Maxx’s Mad Groovy Pad will now be The New Archies’ recording base.


One afternoon, a famous visitor calls there. The group is rehearsing material for a proposed album tribute to Petula Clark. Toby Maxx's receptionist bursts into the rehearsal studio panting with excitement: “Would you believe it? Ron Dante, right here in Cambridge!” Dee Dee doesn't have to guess why he's asking for her; a cold feeling of dread fills her chest! “I don’t think I want to see him,” she says. Babe is busy working out a riff on her bass, and doesn’t even look up.

Rikki Ninja knows why Mr. D has come; his ex-girlfriend confided in him when the Las Vegas legend first contacted her with his suspicions. Taking Dee Dee aside, he urges: “You’ve got to at least say hello to him, baby! Even if he isn’t your real dad, he can tell you things about your mom. You’ve always been curious about her, haven’t you? And if you are his daughter, having the King of Las Vegas as your father ain’t too shabby! Isn’t it worth your time to sit down and just have a cup of coffee with the dude?”

Reluctantly, she allows herself to be convinced, but insists that her bandmates stay in the room. Visibly trembling, she no longer feels like Donna Dante, the Rock star; once again, she’s a frightened little girl named Blossom Luongo! “Show him into the rehearsal studio,” Toto urges his office assistant. Leaning heavily on a walking cane, Ron Dante enters the room. The minute he sees his long-lost daughter, he cannot restrain himself!

He cries out: “It’s true! The family resemblance is unmistakable. You are mine! Bambina mia! Let Papa take you in his arms!” When she finally lifts her eyes and sees his kind face, much older but still recognizable from the photo her mother treasured, Dee Dee feels just as sure.  Tears fill her eyes!  She gasps: “Yes . . . yes!” An emotional hug between father and daughter turns into a huddle when Mr. D motions for Mal Hypster, Rikki Ninja, Toby Maxx and Lana Suzuki to join the embrace. There is no more rehearsal that day!

Republic 47-324
The Sound Of Love/Nothin’ Much Matters, Baby
(Tony Hatch)
The New Archies featuring Donna Dante/
The New Archies featuring Mal Hypster
Produced by Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
#91 Pop

Republic USA 2-4732
This Is My Song (Charlie Chaplin)*
Where Am I Going? (Petula Clark)**
Hold On To What You’ve Got (Clark, Delanoé, Hatch)***
I’ve Got Love Going For Me (Petula Clark)*
Color My World (Hatch, Trent)***
Round Every Corner (Tony Hatch)***
Don’t Sleep In The Subway (Hatch, Trent)*
Look At Mine (Hatch, Trent)***
Don’t Give Up! (Hatch, Trent)***
Las Vegas (Clark, Delanoé, Hatch, Majenta)*
A Sign Of The Times (Tony Hatch)***
Gotta Tell The World (Clark, Delanoé, Hatch)**
Heart (Aber, Clark, Hatch)**
The Other Man’s Grass Is Always Greener (Hatch, Trent)**
I Know A Place (Tony Hatch)***
My Love (Tony Hatch)**
I Couldn’t Live Without Your Love (Hatch, Trent)*
You’re The One (Aber, Clark, Hatch)**
Just Say Goodbye (Clark, Delanoé, Hatch)*
Downtown (Tony Hatch)***
Songs In The Key Of Petula Clark
The New Archies
*Lead Vocals by Rikki Ninja
**Lead Vocals by Donna Dante
***Lead Vocals by Mal Hypster
Music Supervision: Lyle Jason Blossom
Production Consultant: Nero
A Toto + Ninja Production
Arranged by The New Archies
Conducted by Lana Suzuki
Produced by Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
Recorded @ The Mad Groovy Pad, Cambridge
Sound Engineer: Mama Shelly
#81 Top Albums

Toby Maxx’s futuristic complex becomes headquarters for The New Archies; all but Donna Dante take up partial residence there.  The group acquires a luxury tour bus, a quintet of customized motorcycles (Rikki Ninja christens them "Groove-A-Cycles"), a private helicopter, and a grizzled pilot and driver nicknamed Hornytoad! The Gay army vet teases Chi and Toto: “Next time you go out on tour, dudes, save some groupies for me!” Shelly Suzuki charms Toto into hiring her as his chief recording engineer; however, she is well-qualified for the job. At his invitation, she and her daughter move into his Mad Groovy Pad. He makes them feel like family, and Lana Suzuki comes to love him like a brother. All the same, she despises the pet name he gives her: Susu! “Ugh! How naff can you get?” she complains privately.

Mama Shelly quickly becomes a mother figure to Toto and the rest of The New Archies. She cooks them delicious Asian meals, mends their stage costumes, cleans up around the house, and brings a bawdy sense of humor to their recording sessions. Cracking wise about the male members’ male members is one of her favorite things to do:  "How's it hanging, baby boy?"
  The Mad Groovy Pad has a big co-ed shower room upstairs, and Shelly Suzuki just loves lathering up with Chi, Toto, Ninja and Hornytoad. “Snapping wet towels on their bubble butts is so much fun!” she giggles. “It makes me feel young again!”


For their next DVD single, The New Archies settle on "The Sound Of Love".  Tracking this remake of a rare Petula Clark recording, Donna Dante lays down her most ferocious lead vocal yet!  She writes her own vocal arrangement; on hand to act as production consultant, Nero the Dog growls in harmony on the backing track.  After Mama Shelly captures the stunning performance on tape, Rikki Ninja flips on the studio intercom and yells: "¡Que viva Donna + The Motherf*ckers!  ¡Sí señor!"  Dee Dee and Nero crack up!  Mal Hypster's percussion track is just as fierce: Dude bears down extra hard on his timbales, creating a firestorm of Latin rhythm.

 Everybody thinks the single will hit Top Ten, at the very least!  Instead, it tanks.  Toby Maxx is worried: "I hope this isn't a bad omen!"  He has reason to worry: The retro-Rock trend which has dominated popular music since the early 2040s has finally begun to wind down. Satellite radio programmers no longer jump on the latest '60s Pop remakes, no matter how good they may sound; the new Rock trend is dark Goth ballads, with music videos that depict rape, murder or suicide!

Consequently, the band’s Petulance album will have disappointing sales in North America; but thanks to Nero, it will meet with huge acclaim in Europe!  At the wonder poodle's suggestion, Toto and Ninja produce the Petula Clark tribute in both English and French versions.  "It makes sense to do it that way," puppy explains, "because Pet scored major hits in both languages, and often with different songs.  Besides, New Archies records have always sold big in France!"  Predictably, Carmen Serna tries to sabotage the release:  Under her influence, Lyle Jason Blossom distributes French promotional materials in the USA, and sends English promos to French-speaking territories!  However, the snafu isn’t nearly enough to deter the band’s avid European following in France, Belgium, Switzerland and Luxembourg.

The New Archies embark on their first European tour.  A bootleg of their performance in Brussels will surface later in the year. In addition to "Elle Est Finie", "Le Coeur Qui Bat", "Dans Le Train De Nuit" and other choice tracks from the French album, highlights include Donna Dante taking the lead on "Can't Break The Habit"; Mal Hypster and Lana Suzuki rocking out to "Eli's Comin'"; Rikki Ninja re-interpreting Gary Briseño's signature tune, "Lady Jane"; and Toby Maxx lighting a fire under "Jungle Boogie" and "Sound Your Funky Horn" with his flamethrower sax!  A French translation of "Mama Can't Buy You Love" (the group's first hit record) makes for a grand finale that's nothing less than magnifique.

The tour is a smashing success! Ninja displays maximum charisma on stage, laying groundwork for his future status as an international sex symbol. 2048 proves to be a high-profile year for him: Dude sings lead on “La Mer Est Comme Toi”, a gorgeous Petula Clark ballad that Radio Luxembourg puts into heavy rotation. Back in the USA, his rather Goth rendition of a forgotten Cher number, “Where Do You Go?” scores big for The New Archies, too. Besotted fans rush the stage and scream his name at every single gig!  Both women and men fling their undergarments at him ("Gross!" Toto thinks).

 Basking in the glow of celebrity, Ninja longs for someone to share his joy with.  One weekend in the Swiss alps, he invites Lyle Jason Blossom for a joyride on his Groove-A-Cycle.  They ride up a mountainside to a cozy chalet belonging to the Blossom family.  The two Bisexual men end up spending the night; one kiss leads to another, and they fall up in bed together.  Their sexual chemistry is strong, and the sex itself is awesome!  “Calling you a talent manager doesn’t do you justice, papi!” Ninja moans as LJB services him with his huge prick. “You’ve got hidden talents your damn self!”


Afterwards, Lyle seems pensive. “What’s on your mind, stud?” Ninja inquires. Hesitantly, The New Archies’ manager confides a secret:  He, also is Transsexual! “I’ve always known I was female,” he sighs, a tear trickling down his cheek. “Mom knew it, too; I didn’t even have to tell her. But when I told Dad, he flew into a rage!  He beat me up bad! Then he’d punish me whenever he thought I was acting ‘f*ggoty’. It got to the point where I was terrified to express my true gender! Jason Blossom’s been dead for a long time, but I’m still living in the closet he forced me into as a child.”

Racked with sobs, Lyle seeks and finds comfort in Ninja’s strong arms. “No llores más, mamacita”, the former Nancy Rochelle Fonseca whispers. “I’ve been where you are, and I know where you’re going. Things will get better!” Softly crooning the old Five Stairsteps hit “Ooh Child”, Ninja rocks LJB to sleep. (A few weeks later, The New Archies will cut a version of “Ooh Child” with him singing lead vocals, but it won’t be released.) The gender-blended lovers have forged a bond that will last through both of the identity transitions Lyle Jason Blossom is destined to undergo.

Vogue SONIQUE 770
C’Est Ma Chanson/This Is My Song (Chaplin, Delanoé)*
Le Ciel De Mon Pays/Hold On To What You’ve Got (Clark, Delanoé)**
Chariot/I Will Follow Him (Mauriat, Plante, Pourcel)*
Garde-Moi Ta Dernière Danse/Save The Last Dance For Me 
(Llenas, Pomus, Salvet, Shuman)*
L’Agent Secret (Aber, Clark)***
Va Toujours Plus Loin/Round Every Corner (Aber, Hatch)**
Je Me Sens Bien/Dance On! (Adams, Murtagh, Plante, Stellman)***
Las Vegas (Clark, Delanoé, Majenta)*
Que Reste-T-Il?/Where Do You Go? (Aber, Bono)**
Ya Ya Twist (Aber, Dorsey, Lewis, Robinson)***
Si Tu Prenais Le Temps/A Sign Of The Times (Hatch, Monty)**
La Nuit N’En Finit Plus/Needles And Pins (Bono, Nitzsche, Plante)***
Le Cœur Qui Bat/Heart (Aber, Clark)***
Dans Le Train De Nuit (Clark, Cour)***
Viens Avec Moi/I Know A Place (Aber, Hatch)**
Mon Amour/My Love (Aber, Hatch)***
Elle Est Finie/This Is Goodbye (Aber, Clark, Hatch)*
Un Mal Pour Un Bien/You’re The One (Aber, Clark, Hatch)***
Darling Chéri (Clark, Gaunay, Pitkowski, Hatch)*
Dans Le Temps/Downtown (Aber, Hatch)**
Les New Archies Chantent Pétula Clark
*Voix Premier de Rikki Ninja
**Voix Premier de Mal Hypster
***Voix Premier de Donna Dante
Une Production Toto et Ninja
Chef de Production: Lyle Jason Blossom
Conseiller à la Production: Nero
Arrangements par Les New Archies
Direction Musicale par Lana Suzuki
Réalizé par Rikki Ninja et Toby Maxx
Enregistré chez Le Mad Groovy Pad, Cambridge
Production Sonique: Maman Shelly
#3 Disques Francophone
Released in French-speaking regions of the world,
Pétulance is never marketed in the United States.


Republic 47-336
Where Do You Go?/After The Hill, There's A Mountain
(Sonny Bono)/(Holding, Trent)
The New Archies featuring Rikki Ninja/
The New Archies featuring Mal Hypster
Produced by Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
#3 Pop/#75 Pop

Republic EP-9000
L’Agent Secret (Aber, Clark)/
Le Coeur Qui Bat (Aber, Clark)/
Dans Le Train De Nuit (Clark, Cour)/
Elle Est Finie (Aber, Clark, Hatch)*/
Darling Chéri (Clark, Gaunay, Pitkowsky, Hatch)*/
La Mer Est Comme Toi (Aber, Clark)*
La Mer Est Comme Toi
The New Archies featuring Donna Dante
*The New Archies featuring Rikki Ninja
Produced by Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
Additional Production and Remix by
Tara Nation Faws
#74 Pop
A single of “La Mer Est Comme Toi” 
tops the French charts in 2048.


Ron Dante tells his daughter about an unreleased album of Soul music covers he produced for the original Archies. Dee Dee hears the tapes and informs her bandmates about this exciting find!  Recorded in 1992, it features Betty and Jughead singing lead vocals on album tracks for the very first time. Betty’s husky alto holds forth on the Supremes classic “Stoned Love”; Juggy channels Wilson Pickett covering Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered”; Veronica distinguishes herself with a bitchin' cover of Barbara Acklin’s 1968 smash “Love Makes A Woman”; Archie and Reggie serve up a smooth-as-silk duet on Mel and Tim’s 1972 cult favorite “Starting All Over Again”; and Arch kicks major ass on a fierce remake of The Joe Jeffrey Group’s 1969 stomper “My Pledge Of Love”!  Mr. D chuckles at the memory of Veronica Lodge getting drunk on Kahlua B-52s at one of the recording sessions: "Roni was wearing this little sarong number.  She started dancing around, and her top fell off!  Archie got so p*ssed off, his head was exploding!"

The New Archies executive-produce a belated release for the fourteen-song set. “Shelly Suzuki’s remixes are just fantastic,” Ron Dante raves. “I wish she’d been around back when I was still producing acts.”  Overhearing the compliment, Mama Shelly grins up at him. “If you dig what Mama does in the soundbooth, Ronniekins, you might dig what she does in the kitchen, too. Fall up at The Pad tonight for dinner, and I’ll lay my sashimi baccala on you!” Her Japanese spin on a traditional Italian dish scores a big hit, and so does the record: Stoned Love by The Archies wins great critical praise, rises high on the charts, and is nominated Album of The Year!

Sadly, Mr. D passes away soon afterward.   Thousands of distraught fans, friends and family members attend the funeral on Staten Island.  Wearing a sweatshirt with her father's photo on the front, Donna Dante places a bouquet of roses on his casket.  In a statement to the press, she states: “We had precious little time to get to know each other, and yet, our meeting was destined to be! I took his name as mine long before I knew anything about our blood connection. When we met, I immediately sensed our kinship. A DNA test confirmed it later, but we both knew the truth already. Talking to my Papa, learning from him, laughing, crying and working with him . . . it was such a joy! I don’t want to think about him being gone. He’s still here! A big part of Ron Dante will always be inside of me.”


Republic USA 48-486
Carrie Anne (The Hollies)
Here Comes My Baby (Cat Stevens)
Girl Watcher (Trail, Pittman)
The Rapper (Dominic Ierace)
Love Makes A Woman (Davis, Record, Sanders, Sims)*
Expressway To Your Heart (Gamble, Huff)***
Bandala (Farrell, Singleton)
Killer Joe (Berns, Kahan)
Time Won’t Let Me (King, Kelley)
Signed, Sealed, Delivered (Garrett, Hardaway, Wonder, Wright)**
Starting All Over Again (Phillip Mitchell)***
Stephany (Henning, Klein, Price)
My Pledge Of Love (Joe Jeffrey)
Stoned Love (Thomas, Wilson)****
Stoned Love
The Archies
Lead Vocals by Archie Andrews
*Lead Vocals by Veronica Lodge
**Lead Vocals by Jughead
***Duet Vocals by Archie Andrews and Reggie Mantle
****Lead Vocals by Betty Cooper
Music Supervision: Don Kirshner
Arranged by The Archies
Produced by Ron Dante
Executive Producers:
The New Archies
Production Consultant: Nero
Recorded @ The Bungalow, Nassau
Remixed @ The Mad Groovy Pad, Cambridge
Analog Engineer: Rhett Valentyne
Remix Engineer: Mama Shelly
#11 Pop Albums
Recorded in 1992; previously unreleased.

In the year 2045, a DNA test will be patented that confirms Transsexual status. Lyle Jason Blossom’s female gender is confirmed by the test, and he begins working with a gender transition counselor. Ninja often accompanies him to counseling sessions: “It’s not an easy process, mamacita, but you’ll be fine. No te preocupes: I’ll be here for you every step of the way!” LJB and Ninja grow incredibly close, and take an apartment together on Boston's Beacon Hill.

Donna Dante appears in Up Yours, a comedy flick directed by cult favorite Bruce Frey.  For a scene in the film, the director asks her to sing one of his favorite Bubblegum rockers.  She does so, but hates the song with a passion!  Even more so when he suggests that The New Archies consider releasing it as a single. “It would be great promotion for the film,” he enthuses. "I don't think they'll agree to it," she warns, "but I'll ask." Much to her horror, Mal Hypster, Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx actually dig the damn tune! "That song definitely has possibilities" Toto declares. Ninja agrees. "It just needs a little sexing up," he says. "I've got an organ part in mind that will really kick ass!" Chi adds: "It wants some Latin percussion, too. I've got some ideas." Dude grabs his bongó kit. "What about this riff for the middle section . . .?"

Later that night, the whole band gets busy at Mad Groovy Studios, recording a demo. Mama Shelly can barely work the board from popping her fingers to the infectious beat! “This one is a stoned t*tty shaker!” she declares. Yet Dee Dee never warms up to the song. When they finish the track, she urges Ninja to sing the lead vocal. "No, nena," he tells her. "You sing it in the movie! Besides, this record needs a woman's voice."

His instincts turn out to be right on target: Donna Dante’s fevered lead vocals over a sizzling percussion arrangement make “Humpty Dumpty” the group’s first chart-topping disc!  "People are getting sick of that gloomy Goth sound," Toby Maxx notes approvingly.  "And not a minute too soon!"  The Ska-flavored flipside, "Don't Mention My Name", gets nearly as much airplay in some regions of the USA.  Destined to become a college fraternity party anthem, its deranged duet vocals (courtesy of Mal Hypster and Rikki Ninja) will be imitated by drunken frat boys for years to come! 

Republic 49-167
Humpty Dumpty*/Don’t Mention My Name
(Cohen, Rostelli)/(Crewe, Gaudio)
*from the film Up Yours
The New Archies featuring Donna Dante/
The New Archies featuring Mal Hypster and Rikki Ninja
Produced by Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
#1 Pop/#36 Pop


Classic 1960s Rock is rarely heard on the radio anymore, but it's a different story on TV.  Televised '60s Rock tributes are very common in the 2040s:  The year 2048 alone saw televised celebrations of Chubby Checker, Frankie Valli + The Four Seasons, Gene Pitney, Brenda Lee, The Chiffons and The Fifth Dimension’s music!  With Bree Spellman and Lyle Jason Blossom as producers, The New Archies film a tribute TV series to The Monkees.  "Everybody knows that The Monkees inspired the formation of The Archies," Sabrina notes, "so what could be more appropriate?"  Donny Jacobs, whose screenplays include the megahit movie musical Say Goodbye To Riverdale, writes most of the scripts. The group flies up to Toronto and settles in at Centurion Studios, a sound + video complex. Rikki Ninja, Toby Maxx and Shelly Suzuki plan to take advantage of Centurion's superb audio recording facilities and cut a live soundtrack album on the film set.

Twelve episodes of “For Pete’s Sake” are taped in front of a studio audience; Bree’s friend Raj Patel, Jr. directs them all. The shows feature guest appearances by Square Byz, Go Go Manischevitz and Rock Paisley Blizzard.  The notoriously promiscuous Mal Hypster has sex with four musicians from RPB!  His oral, digital and anal charms delight the male membership of this up-and-coming Goth Pop ensemble ("Emphasis on 'cumming'", Chi will later joke to Hornytoad)!  His lover Toby Maxx is furious when he finds out, and a door-slamming confrontation results!

  Relationship upheavals aside, the tapings go smoothly.  However, havoc erupts during post-production!  Strangely disoriented, Shelly Suzuki is unable to man the mixing board.  "Mum's not feeling well," Lana Suzuki explains; she and her mother fly back to Boston that night.  Tragically, Lana will soon discover that her mother is suffering the onset of Alzheimer’s Disease.

Lyle Jason Blossom offers to substitute for her. “Remember, I wasn’t always in artist management,” he reminds Toto and Ninja. “I used to work as a studio engineer in college before switching careers!"  "True dat," Ninja nods.  "And you've helped Mama Shelly on some of our demo sessions, too.  Bueno.  Hazlo, mi amor.” Little does he suspect that Carmen Serna’s evil influence is behind LJB's eagerness to help: Dude proceeds to sabotage the soundtrack recordings under his half-sister’s evil influence!

Lyle creates low-fi soundmixes that are sometimes barely audible. He also lets extraneous noise distort the recorded music: There’s actually tape hiss on the digital audio tape! Dude even erases some tracks “by accident”. Alarmed at what he hears (“Sh*t!  WTF is he doing?), Toby Maxx pulls him off the board.  After listening to the full extent of the damage done, Toto reports to his bandmates. “LJB really f*cked us up," he groans.  "He must not be feeling well, either!  We've got to overdub nearly all of the tracks. I want a top-notch engineer this time!  Who can we get up here in a hurry?”


Rikki Ninja suggests Yvonne Remy, Witch Queen Studios’ chief engineer. Toto shakes his head: “No go!  Yvie is on deadline working on a big film project; she isn’t available.” Mal Hypster has an idea: “There’s a dude named Corky Clayton who’s based here in Toronto. Sabrina has worked with him, and so have I!"  "Really?" Toto inquires sarcastically.  "How did his ass taste?"  Choosing to ignore the insult, Chi continues: "Corky used to play with Jozetta (the Funk ensemble that evolved from Josie + The Pussy Cats), but he’s a sound man now.  Baby boy is a stoned b*tch at the controls!” The younger brother of Sabrina’s old friend Chuck Clayton happens to be available, and he’s on the job early the next morning. “Holy flying f*ck!” he exclaims when he hears LJB’s expert botch job. “I’ve got my work cut out for me!”

While Corky struggles to salvage the soundtrack, The New Archies' manager busies himself in the video editing room. Lyle meddles with the filmed portion of the show, making numerous bizarre edits. When whole segments of film go missing and have to be re-shot, Junior Patel is in tears! Damage control pushes the production of “For Pete’s Sake” significantly over budget, and it's all in vain: Great music is really all the show has going for it.  Taking his cues from The Monkees' 1966-8 sitcom, Donny Jacobs has loaded up the scripts with zany comedy skits!  The New Archies have a proven flair for drama (on display in the 2040 Broadway musical Don't Touch My Guitar), but they're not at their best in a slapstick setting.  When MeTV executives preview the show, they find it substandard and yank it from the broadcast schedule!

After LJB negotiates a far-from-ideal time slot (3:00 AM Eastern, 2:00 AM Central Time) the TV series does air; but both it and the soundtrack album are poorly received.  However, a song taken from the soundtrack, “The Door Into Summer” does moderately well on the charts.  Originally sung by Monkee Michael Nesmith, it features one of Mal Hypster’s finest vocal performances.  The flipside, Donna Dante's bluesy reading of the series theme song charts, too ("For Pete's Sake" was also the closing theme of The Monkees).  This DVD single is the silver lining in a dark cloud of dismal failure!  Sabrina is livid; Lyle Jason Blossom is contrite; Carmen Serna is delighted!

Republic USA 2-4957
The Girl I Knew Somewhere (Michael Nesmith)*
A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You (Neil Diamond)**
You Can’t Tie A Mustang Down! (Jeff Barry)*
Last Train To Clarksville (Boyce, Hart)***
I’m A Believer (John Stewart)***
I’m Not Your Steppin’ Stone (Boyce, Hart)***
She (Boyce, Hart)***
Look Out! Here Comes Tomorrow (Neil Diamond)**
I Don’t Think You Know Me (Goffin, King)*
Teardrop City (Boyce, Hart)***
I Won’t Be The Same Without Her (Goffin, King)*
Listen To The Band (Michael Nesmith)*
Steam Engine Ninety-Nine (Chip Douglas)**
All The King’s Horses (Michael Nesmith)****
Valleri (Boyce, Hart)***
If I Ever Get To Saginaw Again (Keller, Russell)*
You Just May Be The One (Michael Nesmith)*
Circle Sky (Michael Nesmith)**
Love To Love (Neil Diamond)**
Shades Of Gray (Mann, Weil)****
For Pete’s Sake (Richards, Tork)***
Pleasant Valley Sunday (Goffin, King)*
Daydream Believer (John Stewart)**
Goin’ Down (Hildebrand, Monkees)**
The Door Into Summer (Douglas, Martin)*
For Pete’s Sake!
Tribute to The Monkees
The New Archies
*Lead vocals by Mal Hypster
**Lead vocals by Rikki Ninja
***Lead vocals by Donna Dante
****Trio vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster
and Rikki Ninja
Music Supervision:
Bree Spellman and Lyle Jason Blossom
A Blossom-Spellman Production
for MeTV Classic Rock
Arranged by The New Archies
Conducted by Lana Suzuki
Produced by Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
Production Staged and Directed by Raj Patel, Jr.
Videotaped by Brad Heller Filmworks
Recorded @ Centurion Studios, Toronto
Audio Remixed by Corky Clayton
#73 Top Albums
Songs from the TV series that were performed by Square Byz, 
Go Go Manischevitz and Rock Paisley Blizzard appear on releases 
marketed by their respective record labels.

Republic 49-180
The Door Into Summer/For Pete’s Sake
from the TV series “For Pete’s Sake”
The New Archies featuring Mal Hypster/
The New Archies featuring Donna Dante
Produced by Rikki Ninja and Toby Maxx
#29 Pop/#51 Pop


Stung by the scathing reviews from TV critics, Donna Dante isn't happy.  Neither is her agent!  He warns her: “Records that flop are one thing, but looking bad on film?  You don’t need that kind of publicity.  It's poison to a budding movie career like yours!”  His warning triggers her finely-honed self-preservation instincts!  After talking over her worries with Lana Suzuki, Dee Dee decides that she has outgrown The New Archies.  "I'm ready to concentrate on acting," she announces at the next group rehearsal.  "I'm sorry, but I'm leaving again, and this time it's permanent!" 

That same night, Mal Hypster and Toby Maxx decide to end their turbulent love match; Chi returns to Nashville and makes plans to move out of Toto's Mad Groovy Pad.  This double-barrel shot of bad news dismays Sabrina when she hears it, but the sorceress has no time to brood. Former Head Witch Ms. Della appears to her suddenly as she and her wife Heather prepare for bed. “Mother!” Bree exclaims. “What is it?” Della Nightshade summons her daughter to a highly secretive meeting of the Universal Coven: “There can be no delay!” Bree feels herself being pulled down through a deep time warp.

Subsequent events happen so quickly, her head is left spinning: At a mystic ceremony held hundreds of years in the past, Sabrina is chosen to be the new Head Witch!  Before an assembly of thousands, she is stripped naked and dressed in royal garments befitting her exalted status.  Proudly, Ms. Della reads the Coven’s written proclamation. “Thy title shalt not be Head Witch,” she reveals. “A suggestion made centuries ago hath now been implement'd: Sabrina Spellman, thou art the first Witch Queen!”

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The news spreads like wildfire throughout every realm where witches dwell.  It drives an already unstable Carmen Serna over the edge of madness! “I am the most powerful witch in the universe!” she screams, tearing her clothing in a symbolic expression of rage. “How dare the Coven spurn me? Who did that b*tch sleep with to grab the Head Witch job? And she’s even got them calling her a Witch Queen? This bullsh*t is absurd! Sabrina must die! Everyone she loves must die! Carmen Serna demands it!”

The Wicked Witch of New Jersey sends her demonic Rottweiler, The Abominable Miss Fang, on a mission to stalk and murder Bree’s cat Salem! Her next target? Donna Dante, as close to Bree as a daughter would be, and Carmen's only serious rival for the affections of her husband, Frankie Fujiyama!

Sabrina vs. Carmen Serna!!! 
It's smackdown time in Part Four of 
"Mama Can't Buy You Love!"