POP CULTURE CANTINA PRESENTS
A CARTOONS + CASTANETS PRODUCTION:
The Freaking Out of
GERALDINE GRUNDY
CONCLUSION:
GERALDINE! OR CHANGE
JUNE PODCAST OF THE POP CULTURE CANTINA,
TEN YEARS FROM NOW . . .
NOW, AMIGOS, IT'S TIME TO BRING MY STRANGE STORY TO A CLOSE. A BEAUTIFUL MYSTERY LADY TOLD IT TO ME! EVENTUALLY, SHE TOLD ME HER NAME, TOO: CHERYL BLOSSOM. FOR HOURS ON END, I, DON SEÑORITO CARTOON, SAT IN MY DEEJAY BOOTH LISTENING TO HER. LA PELIRROJA HAD ME ENRAPTURED . . . AND CAPTURED! AGAINST MY WILL, I HUNG ON HER EVERY WORD; BUT WHAT SHE SAID WAS TOO FANTASTIC TO BE TRUE! THE ARCHIES, WHOSE MUSIC I'VE PLAYED MANY TIMES ON THIS PODCAST, WAS ACTUALLY A GROUP I’D NEVER HEARD OR EVEN HEARD OF BEFORE.
CHERYL BLOSSOM DESCRIBED A MOSTLY LATINO BAND OF MUSICIANS WHOSE HEYDAY WAS THE LATE 1960S. SHE INSISTED THAT THEY WERE THE REAL ARCHIES! AND SHE HARBORED A SEETHING HOSTILITY TOWARDS THIS GROUP. THAT BECAME MORE AND MORE OBVIOUS AS SHE TALKED: HER GREEN EYES BLAZED, AND HER ANGER SPEWED FORTH IN A STREAM OF RACIST, TRANSPHOBIC AND HOMOPHOBIC BILE! TOO LATE, I REALIZED THAT CHERYL WAS INSANE . . . ¡UNA PSICÓPATA VERDADERA! SHE ADMITTED THAT SHE TRIED TO KILL BETTY COOPER, AND NOW SHE WAS DESCRIBING HOW SHE MURDERED THE WHOLE BAND! WOULD I BE HER NEXT VICTIM?
THE ANSWER WAS YES! OUT OF NOWHERE, A SYRINGE SEEMED TO APPEAR IN HER HAND. SHE STABBED ME WITH IT AND I SCREAMED IN AGONY! WHATEVER DRUG IT WAS HAD A RAPID EFFECT: I IMMEDIATELY GOT DIZZY AND DISORIENTED. THEN I PASSED OUT! I REMEMBER BRIEFLY REGAINING CONSCIOUSNESS, AND FINDING MYSELF STRETCHED OUT NAKED ON THE FLOOR.
CHERYL BLOSSOM WAS DOING UNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO MY BODY, TORTURING ME IN THE LEWDEST WAY IMAGINABLE! I WAS BEGGING FOR MERCY WHEN I BLACKED OUT A SECOND TIME. I DREAMED THAT I WAS FLOATING IN SPACE. THEN I WAS SOMEHOW TRANSPORTED BACK TO THE YEAR 1972! IN MY MIND, I SAW THE FOLLOWING SCENES IN RAZOR-SHARP DETAIL . . .
TEN YEARS FROM NOW . . .
NOW, AMIGOS, IT'S TIME TO BRING MY STRANGE STORY TO A CLOSE. A BEAUTIFUL MYSTERY LADY TOLD IT TO ME! EVENTUALLY, SHE TOLD ME HER NAME, TOO: CHERYL BLOSSOM. FOR HOURS ON END, I, DON SEÑORITO CARTOON, SAT IN MY DEEJAY BOOTH LISTENING TO HER. LA PELIRROJA HAD ME ENRAPTURED . . . AND CAPTURED! AGAINST MY WILL, I HUNG ON HER EVERY WORD; BUT WHAT SHE SAID WAS TOO FANTASTIC TO BE TRUE! THE ARCHIES, WHOSE MUSIC I'VE PLAYED MANY TIMES ON THIS PODCAST, WAS ACTUALLY A GROUP I’D NEVER HEARD OR EVEN HEARD OF BEFORE.
CHERYL BLOSSOM DESCRIBED A MOSTLY LATINO BAND OF MUSICIANS WHOSE HEYDAY WAS THE LATE 1960S. SHE INSISTED THAT THEY WERE THE REAL ARCHIES! AND SHE HARBORED A SEETHING HOSTILITY TOWARDS THIS GROUP. THAT BECAME MORE AND MORE OBVIOUS AS SHE TALKED: HER GREEN EYES BLAZED, AND HER ANGER SPEWED FORTH IN A STREAM OF RACIST, TRANSPHOBIC AND HOMOPHOBIC BILE! TOO LATE, I REALIZED THAT CHERYL WAS INSANE . . . ¡UNA PSICÓPATA VERDADERA! SHE ADMITTED THAT SHE TRIED TO KILL BETTY COOPER, AND NOW SHE WAS DESCRIBING HOW SHE MURDERED THE WHOLE BAND! WOULD I BE HER NEXT VICTIM?
THE ANSWER WAS YES! OUT OF NOWHERE, A SYRINGE SEEMED TO APPEAR IN HER HAND. SHE STABBED ME WITH IT AND I SCREAMED IN AGONY! WHATEVER DRUG IT WAS HAD A RAPID EFFECT: I IMMEDIATELY GOT DIZZY AND DISORIENTED. THEN I PASSED OUT! I REMEMBER BRIEFLY REGAINING CONSCIOUSNESS, AND FINDING MYSELF STRETCHED OUT NAKED ON THE FLOOR.
CHERYL BLOSSOM WAS DOING UNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO MY BODY, TORTURING ME IN THE LEWDEST WAY IMAGINABLE! I WAS BEGGING FOR MERCY WHEN I BLACKED OUT A SECOND TIME. I DREAMED THAT I WAS FLOATING IN SPACE. THEN I WAS SOMEHOW TRANSPORTED BACK TO THE YEAR 1972! IN MY MIND, I SAW THE FOLLOWING SCENES IN RAZOR-SHARP DETAIL . . .
AFTER THE ARCHIES’ FINAL CONCERT ENDED, SPIRITS WERE HIGH AND NOBODY REALLY WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE. POP TATE, GERALDINE GRUNDY, JUGGY'S SISTER JELLI JONES-TORRES AND THE GROUP DECIDED TO HAVE A LATE DINNER. “CHINESE FOOD!” VERONICA INSISTED. “BUT NOT CHINATOWN . . . I KNOW A GREAT LITTLE SPOT OVER HARVARD BRIDGE.”
THEY ALL PILED INTO THE ARCHIES’ VAN AND HEADED TOWARD CAMBRIDGE. POP’S WIFE OPTED TO STAY BEHIND AND HELP CLEAN UP THE CLUB. JUGGY LEFT HOT DOG AND CHILI DOG IN HER CARE, BUT THEY BECAME EXTREMELY AGITATED AT THE GROUP'S DEPARTURE. THE TWO EXCITABLE PERRITOS SLIPPED OUT THE BACK DOOR AND CHASED AFTER THE VAN.
THEY ALL PILED INTO THE ARCHIES’ VAN AND HEADED TOWARD CAMBRIDGE. POP’S WIFE OPTED TO STAY BEHIND AND HELP CLEAN UP THE CLUB. JUGGY LEFT HOT DOG AND CHILI DOG IN HER CARE, BUT THEY BECAME EXTREMELY AGITATED AT THE GROUP'S DEPARTURE. THE TWO EXCITABLE PERRITOS SLIPPED OUT THE BACK DOOR AND CHASED AFTER THE VAN.
AT THE ENTRANCE TO HARVARD BRIDGE, A CAR SUDDENLY SHOT OUT OF A SIDE STREET. NEARLY HITTING ANOTHER CAR, IT PULLED IN BEHIND THE ARCHIES' VAN AND RODE ITS BUMPER. HALFWAY ACROSS THE BRIDGE, THE DRIVER SWERVED SHARPLY INTO THE LEFT LANE. GUNNING HIS ENGINE, HE PULLED ALONGSIDE THE VEHICLE HE'D BEEN TAILGATING. SUDDENLY, I HEARD THE LOUD CRACKLE OF A MACHINE GUN!
VERONICA LODGE, WHO WAS DRIVING THE VAN, SLUMPED OVER; SHE WAS SHOT THROUGH THE HEAD! JUST BEFORE SHE DIED, VERONICA WRENCHED THE STEERING WHEEL ALL THE WAY TO THE RIGHT. THE ARCHIES' VAN CRASHED THROUGH THE BRIDGE BARRIER AND TUMBLED STRAIGHT DOWN INTO THE CHARLES RIVER!
VERONICA LODGE, WHO WAS DRIVING THE VAN, SLUMPED OVER; SHE WAS SHOT THROUGH THE HEAD! JUST BEFORE SHE DIED, VERONICA WRENCHED THE STEERING WHEEL ALL THE WAY TO THE RIGHT. THE ARCHIES' VAN CRASHED THROUGH THE BRIDGE BARRIER AND TUMBLED STRAIGHT DOWN INTO THE CHARLES RIVER!
CLARO QUE SÍ: THE DRIVER OF THAT CAR WAS NO MAN. IT WAS CHERYL BLOSSOM! WHEN SHE HEARD ABOUT THE ARCHIES’ FAREWELL SHOW, SHE ESCAPED FROM THE MENTAL INSTITUTION HER LOVER BIG MOOSE HAD PLACED HER IN. CONVINCED THAT VERONICA'S FATHER HAD KILLED HER BROTHER JASON, CHERYL WAS BENT ON REVENGE!
SHE STOPPED HER CAR AND STEPPED OUT, STILL HOLDING THE SUB-MACHINE GUN SHE'D KILLED VERONICA WITH! WITH HER LONG RED HAIR BILLOWING IN THE WIND, SHE LOOKED LIKE UN ÁNGEL DE VENGANZA . . . AN ANGEL OF DEATH! A CROWD HAD STARTED TO GATHER BUT AT THE SIGHT OF HER ASSAULT WEAPON, IT QUICKLY SCATTERED.
SHE STOPPED HER CAR AND STEPPED OUT, STILL HOLDING THE SUB-MACHINE GUN SHE'D KILLED VERONICA WITH! WITH HER LONG RED HAIR BILLOWING IN THE WIND, SHE LOOKED LIKE UN ÁNGEL DE VENGANZA . . . AN ANGEL OF DEATH! A CROWD HAD STARTED TO GATHER BUT AT THE SIGHT OF HER ASSAULT WEAPON, IT QUICKLY SCATTERED.
THE REST OF THE ARCHIES APPEARED DOOMED! AS THEIR VAN PLUNGED INTO THE RIVER AND SANK, A DAZED GERALDINE GRUNDY MANAGED TO UNLATCH A DOOR. THOUGH SEVERELY INJURED, SHE SWAM UP TO THE SURFACE OF THE WATER. GASPING FOR AIR, MISS GRUNDY LOOKED TOWARD THE BRIDGE. HER EYEGLASSES WERE DESTROYED IN THE ACCIDENT, BUT SHE COULD JUST MAKE OUT CHERYL BLOSSOM’S FIGURE. CHERYL WAS LOOKING OVER THE SMASHED RAILING, OBVIOUSLY SEARCHING FOR SURVIVORS!
MISS GRUNDY SCREAMED FOR HELP. WHEN CHERYL CAUGHT SIGHT OF HER THRASHING FORM, A LOOK OF UNCONTROLLED RAGE CONTORTED HER FACE. “DAMN YOU, B*TCH QUEEN!” SHE HISSED. “WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING DIE?” SHE AIMED HER GUN AT GERALDINE AND FIRED!
MISS GRUNDY SCREAMED FOR HELP. WHEN CHERYL CAUGHT SIGHT OF HER THRASHING FORM, A LOOK OF UNCONTROLLED RAGE CONTORTED HER FACE. “DAMN YOU, B*TCH QUEEN!” SHE HISSED. “WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING DIE?” SHE AIMED HER GUN AT GERALDINE AND FIRED!
THE VOLLEY OF BULLETS MISSED HER BY A HAIR; BUT BEFORE CHERYL COULD FIRE AGAIN, CHILI DOG APPEARED! THE BRAVE DACHSHUND LEAPT AT THE GUN. JUST AS HE'D DONE ONCE BEFORE, HE KNOCKED IT FROM CHERYL’S HAND. THIS TIME, THOUGH, HE WAS CAUGHT IN THE LINE OF FIRE. RIPPED TO SHREDS, POOR CHILI DOG LAY DEAD AT HER FEET!
CURSING AND SCREAMING, SHE BENT TO RETRIEVE HER WEAPON, BUT THEN HOT DOG RAN UP AND BIT HER HARD ON THE LEG! INSTEAD OF CRYING OUT IN PAIN, CHERYL RELAXED HER STANCE AND LOOKED DOWN AT THE SNARLING PUP. A WICKED SMILE APPEARED ON HER FACE. ¡AY, DIOS MÍO! IT CHILLED ME TO THE BONE! SHE GESTURED IN THE AIR AND LAUGHED AS HOT DOG SUDDENLY BURST INTO FLAME! ¡FUE INCREÍBLE Y HORRIBLE!
CURSING AND SCREAMING, SHE BENT TO RETRIEVE HER WEAPON, BUT THEN HOT DOG RAN UP AND BIT HER HARD ON THE LEG! INSTEAD OF CRYING OUT IN PAIN, CHERYL RELAXED HER STANCE AND LOOKED DOWN AT THE SNARLING PUP. A WICKED SMILE APPEARED ON HER FACE. ¡AY, DIOS MÍO! IT CHILLED ME TO THE BONE! SHE GESTURED IN THE AIR AND LAUGHED AS HOT DOG SUDDENLY BURST INTO FLAME! ¡FUE INCREÍBLE Y HORRIBLE!
THE AGONIZED HOWLS OF HOT DOG REACHED GERALDINE GRUNDY’S EARS. I SOMEHOW FELT WAVES OF ANGER EMANATING FROM HER! NEVER BEFORE HAD I FELT ANYTHING LIKE THAT; IT BOTH FRIGHTENED AND THRILLED ME! THIS ALL-CONSUMING RAGE ALSO HAD AN EFFECT ON MISS GRUNDY. IT INEXPLICABLY HEALED HER WOUNDS, CLEARED HER VISION AND AWAKENED HER TO A DIFFERENT REALITY!
SUDDENLY, WATER FROM THE CHARLES RIVER ROSE IN A HUGE FUNNEL, WASHING OVER CHERYL BLOSSOM AND THE DEAD ANIMALS. WHEN THE WAVE RECEDED, A MIRACULOUS SCENE WAS REVEALED: THERE STOOD POP TATE, JELLI JONES-TORRES AND ALL THE MEMBERS OF ARCHIES, INCLUDING VERONICA. EVERYONE WAS SAFE, ALIVE AND DRY! ONLY GERALDINE GRUNDY WAS MISSING. INSTEAD, I SAW A WOMAN WITH SILVER HAIR, DRESSED FROM HEAD-TO-TOE IN CRIMSON RED. IN HER LEFT ARM SHE WAS CRADLING A BLACK CAT, AND LAYING AT HER FEET WAS A SHAGGY DOG WITH CRIMSON FUR.
AS CHERYL BLOSSOM BECAME AWARE OF THE GROUP'S PRESENCE, HER GREEN EYES WIDENED IN HORROR! A POISONOUS STREAM OF OBSCENITIES ERUPTED FROM HER LIPS AND SHE SWUNG HER GUN TOWARD THEM; BUT A LIGHTNING-FAST GESTURE FROM THE WOMAN IN RED SEEMED TO FREEZE CHERYL IN HER TRACKS. SUDDENLY, SHE WAS THE ONE ENGULFED IN FLAMES! THERE WASN'T EVEN TIME FOR HER TO SCREAM. IN A MATTER OF SECONDS, NOTHING WAS LEFT OF CHERYL BUT A SMOKING PILLAR OF ASH! I SAW THE NIGHT WIND LIFT HER CHARRED REMAINS INTO THE AIR, AND AT THAT MOMENT, A PROFOUND WEAKNESS CAME OVER ME. I BLACKED OUT A THIRD TIME!
AS CHERYL BLOSSOM BECAME AWARE OF THE GROUP'S PRESENCE, HER GREEN EYES WIDENED IN HORROR! A POISONOUS STREAM OF OBSCENITIES ERUPTED FROM HER LIPS AND SHE SWUNG HER GUN TOWARD THEM; BUT A LIGHTNING-FAST GESTURE FROM THE WOMAN IN RED SEEMED TO FREEZE CHERYL IN HER TRACKS. SUDDENLY, SHE WAS THE ONE ENGULFED IN FLAMES! THERE WASN'T EVEN TIME FOR HER TO SCREAM. IN A MATTER OF SECONDS, NOTHING WAS LEFT OF CHERYL BUT A SMOKING PILLAR OF ASH! I SAW THE NIGHT WIND LIFT HER CHARRED REMAINS INTO THE AIR, AND AT THAT MOMENT, A PROFOUND WEAKNESS CAME OVER ME. I BLACKED OUT A THIRD TIME!
WHEN I WOKE UP, I WAS FULLY CLOTHED AND SPRAWLED ON THE FLOOR OF MY DEEJAY BOOTH. I CHECKED MY SMARTPHONE; ONLY AN HOUR HAD PASSED SINCE I'D MET AND BEGUN TALKING TO CHERYL BLOSSOM! IT WAS LIKE I'D HAD A BAD DREAM, BUT IT WAS JUST TOO REAL TO HAVE BEEN A DREAM! THE ONLY INDICATION THAT CHERYL WAS EVER THERE WAS THE COLLECTION OF RIVERDALE SINGLES SHE'D GIVEN ME. THEY WERE STILL STACKED ON MY DESK.
LOOKING CLOSER, I SAW THAT THERE WERE ALBUMS THERE, TOO, AND WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE AN OLD CONCERT TAPE. WHEN I PLAYED THEM, I WAS ASTOUNDED: THIS WAS UNDOUBTEDLY MUSIC BY THE BLATINO GROUP CHERYL AND LAURA PINTO TOLD ME ABOUT! BUT LATER, WHEN I PLAYED THE RECORDINGS FOR LAURA, HER REACTION STUNNED ME.
"THESE ARE OBVIOUS BOOTLEGS," SHE SAID. "VERY GOOD COPIES OF THE HITS, BUT IT DEFINITELY ISN’T THE ARCHIES!” WHAT’S MORE, SHE DENIED HAVING A FRIEND NAMED CHERYL, AND SHE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT A MIXED-RACE ARCHIES BAND FROM THE 1960S. “THE GROUP I WORKED WITH IN LONDON WAS WHITE,” SHE INSISTED, “ONCE IN 2005 AND AGAIN LAST YEAR, BUT NOT 1969! THAT'S CRAZY! THE BAND MEMBERS WOULD'VE BEEN CHILDREN BACK THEN. HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING SOMETHING, MacKENZIE? IT CERTAINLY WASN’T ME SPINNING YOU THAT COCK AND BULL STORY.”
TOTALLY CONFUSED, I SUNK BACK IN MY CHAIR. “IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEONE IMPERSONATING YOU,” I REASONED. “MAYBE IT WAS CHERYL BLOSSOM ALL THE TIME! BUT . . . WHY? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?” I STILL DON’T HAVE THE ANSWER TO THOSE QUESTIONS, AMIGOS. ALL I HAVE IS THE STORY I JUST TOLD YOU. . . AND THE MUSIC!
EPILOGUE:
WITCH QUEEN RECORDING STUDIOS,
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS,
TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW . . .
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS,
TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW . . .
SABRINA SPELLMAN SITS SILENTLY INSIDE WITCH QUEEN'S SECOND-FLOOR RECORDING BOOTH. A RED POODLE LIES ON THE FLOOR BESIDE HER, AND A BLACK CAT IS SPRAWLED ON THE CONSOLE. FEW WOULD EVER GUESS THAT THE THREE ARE ENGAGED IN DEEP CONVERSATION!
“YOU SAVED US JUST IN TIME, SABRINA,” PANTS NERO THE DOG. BREE SMILES AS SHE REACHES DOWN AND PLAYFULLY RUFFLES HIS FUR. SHE UNDERSTANDS ANIMAL LANGUAGES, AS ALL TRUE WITCHES CAN! “IT WASN'T ME," SHE INSISTS. "MY COUSIN AMBROSE CAST THE ILLUSION SPELLS THAT SAVED EVERYONE'S LIFE. THANK HEAVEN HE REGAINED HIS MEMORY BEFORE I DID! HE SAW TARA NATION FAWS AT THE FAREWELL SHOW AND REALIZED SHE WAS UP TO NO GOOD. AMBROSE, aka BIG NIPSY FREUND, IS THE REAL HERO; BUT SO ARE THE TWO OF YOU! I'M SO PROUD OF THE WAY YOU SAVED BOTH DONNA DANTE AND RIKKI NINJA. OR SHOULD I SAY, BETTY COOPER AND REGGIE MANTLE?”
THROWN BACK IN TIME TO THE LATE 1960s AND EARLY '70s, BREE, NERO AND SALEM THE CAT FOUND THEMSELVES TRAPPED IN A CRAZY-QUILT VERSION OF THE ARCHIES’ HISTORY! THE NEW ARCHIES AND VARIOUS OTHER FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES WERE CAUGHT UP IN THIS TIME WARP, TOO. IT WAS AN ELABORATE, SEEMINGLY NONSENSICAL ATTEMPT TO KILL THEM ALL! FORTUNATELY, IT FAILED.
“AND I THINK I KNOW WHY,” BREE MUSES. "MANIPULATING THE WINDS OF TIME IS ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS TO DO! IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE, THERE ARE UNPREDICTABLE COMPLICATIONS. MY LATE PRODUCTION ASSISTANT MUST NOT HAVE KNOWN THAT! EVERYONE SHE SENT BACK TO THE LATE ‘60s LOST THEIR MEMORY AND BECAME SOMEONE ELSE AGAINST THEIR WILL; BUT TARA DELIBERATELY ASSUMED THE IDENTITY OF CHERYL BLOSSOM. THEN SHE FORGOT IT WAS A DISGUISE! IT TOOK SEVERAL YEARS FOR HER TO RECLAIM SELF-AWARENESS. THAT'S WHEN SHE TRIED TO MURDER US ALL ON HARVARD BRIDGE!”
“WHAT ABOUT HER ONGOING CAMPAIGN TO FREAK OUT GERALDINE GRUNDY?” SALEM ASKS, SWISHING HIS LONG TAIL. BREE CORRECTS HIM: “THAT WASN’T TARA'S DOING, SALEM. IT WAS MY OWN SUBCONSCIOUS MIND, WARNING ME OF DANGER. I LITERALLY SCARED MYSELF PARANOID! BUT IN THE END IT WAS RAGE, NOT FEAR, THAT JOLTED MY MEMORY BACK TO NORMAL.”
“I WISH SOMETHING HAD JOLTED MINE,” NERO WHIMPERS. “I TOTALLY BELIEVED THAT I WAS AN UGLY LITTLE DACHSHUND NAMED CHILI DOG!” SALEM TWITCHES HIS WHISKERS AND SMIRKS: “AT LEAST I WASN’T THE UGLY ONE! RIDING THE BULLS AT PAMPLONA WAS HELLA FUN, BUT I FOUND INHABITING THE BODY OF A CANINE UNPLEASANT IN THE EXTREME. AND HOW I HATED WALKING SO LOW TO THE GROUND! FORTUNATELY, WE DIDN’T STAY DACHSHUNDS LONG ENOUGH TO DEVELOP BACK PROBLEMS.” NERO STRETCHES HIS BACK AND GROANS: "SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!"
OBVIOUSLY, NOT EVERYONE CAUGHT UP IN THIS TIME WARP MADE IT BACK TO THE PRESENT DAY. THAT SOBERING REALIZATION PROMPTS A SIGH OF REGRET FROM THE POODLE. “I WISH THERE WAS SOME WAY WE COULD HAVE SAVED TARA NATION FAWS AND HER BROTHER, DEACON DIAMOND,” HE WHIMPERS. "THEY DIDN'T BELONG IN THAT TIME PERIOD ANY MORE THAN WE DID. I KNOW THEY WERE VERY BAD PEOPLE, BUT MAYBE . . .”
SALEM’S FUR STANDS ON END! “MAYBE, MY BLACK ASS!” HE SNAPS. "THEY WEREN'T 'VERY BAD PEOPLE', THEY WERE EVIL! ESPECIALLY THAT DEACON DUDE. EVER HEARD OF HIS "MAKE AMERICA STRAIGHT AGAIN" MOVEMENT? IT WAS GOING TO BE A POLITICAL PARTY FOR AVOWED ASSHOLES OF ALL KINDS: RACISTS, HOMOPHOBES, MISOGYNISTS, NEO-NAZIS, SURVIVALISTS, ANTI-ABORTION TERRORISTS AND IMMIGRANT BASHERS. DEACON DIAMOND WAS SO FAR OUT ON THE RIGHT WING, HE MADE DONALD TRUMP LOOK LIKE A DRAG QUEEN! I WISH I'D SNUFFED HIS ASS MY DAMN SELF. AND AS FOR HIS RED-HEADED BITCH OF A SISTER . . .”
SABRINA CASTS A WITHERING GLANCE IN THE CAT’S DIRECTION, STOPPING HIS TIRADE IN MID-SENTENCE. “WATCH IT, SALEM!” SHE CAUTIONS. “YOUR DARK SIDE IS SHOWING AGAIN! BUT I AGREE THAT THE FAWS SIBLINGS WERE BEYOND REHABILITATION. I SENSED SOMETHING ABSOLUTELY DEMONIC ABOUT BOTH OF THEM! NOT HAVING TARA AND THE DEACON AROUND ANYMORE MAKES IT A SAFER WORLD FOR EVERYBODY. IT WILL BE INTERESTING, THOUGH, TO SEE HOW TIME ADJUSTS ITSELF TO THEIR ABORTED EXISTENCES."
“WAS IT REALLY RAM LODGE WHO HAD JASON, I MEAN, THE DEACON KILLED?” NERO ASKS. BREE SHAKES HER HEAD. “NO. AMBROSE SAYS IT WAS BIG MOOSE! TARA LOVED TO ACCUSE ME OF GOSSIPING, BUT SHE WAS JUST AS BAD. SHE CONSTANTLY BLABBED TO HER BROTHER ABOUT DUKE MASON’ S SECRET BUSINESS DEALS. UNBEKNOWNST TO HER, THE DEACON TRIED TO BLACKMAIL DUKE AND REAPED THE CONSEQUENCES! JUST BE GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO STOP TWO CASUALTIES FROM BECOMING THREE.”
“BY ALMOST BECOMING CASUALTIES OURSELVES!” SALEM EXCLAIMS. “LOOPING BACKWARDS IN A TIME WARP . . . YIPE! I NEVER WANT TO TRY THAT AGAIN. BUT WE ARRIVED JUST IN TIME TO SAVE BIG ETHEL, WHO WAS REALLY OUR SOUND ENGINEER YVONNE REMY. THAT KILLER PLASTIC SURGEON WAS ABOUT TO DO HER IN! NOBODY EVEN SUSPECTED THAT BIG MOOSE HAD HIS WIFE MURDERED. WHOSE BODY DID YOU PUT IN BIG ETHEL’S COFFIN?”
BREE RESTS HER CHIN IN HER HANDS AS SHE REPLIES. “IT WAS JIMMY HOFFA, THE TEAMSTER BOSS. YES, I KNOW HE DIDN'T DIE UNTIL 1975, BUT REMEMBER, WE WERE IN A TIME WARP! I WAS ABLE TO SEND HIS REMAINS BACK ALONG THE ROUTE WE TRAVELED. SEVERAL YEARS AGO, I ACCIDENTALLY LEARNED WHERE THEY WERE HIDDEN. I FIGURED IT WAS TIME TO GIVE HIM THE GANGLAND BURIAL HE EARNED!”
BREE RESTS HER CHIN IN HER HANDS AS SHE REPLIES. “IT WAS JIMMY HOFFA, THE TEAMSTER BOSS. YES, I KNOW HE DIDN'T DIE UNTIL 1975, BUT REMEMBER, WE WERE IN A TIME WARP! I WAS ABLE TO SEND HIS REMAINS BACK ALONG THE ROUTE WE TRAVELED. SEVERAL YEARS AGO, I ACCIDENTALLY LEARNED WHERE THEY WERE HIDDEN. I FIGURED IT WAS TIME TO GIVE HIM THE GANGLAND BURIAL HE EARNED!”
SABRINA IS AMAZED AT HOW TOTALLY SUBMERGED SHE WAS IN THE PERSONA OF GERALDINE GRUNDY. STANDING IN FOR THE REAL ARCHIES (AS WELL AS FOR POP TATE, WALDO WEATHERBEE AND JELLI JONES-TORRES), THE MEMBERS OF THE NEW ARCHIES ALSO EXHIBITED DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES. IN SOME CASES, EVEN THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS WERE CHANGED! “GARCY BRISEÑO WOULDN’T EVEN THINK OF MARRYING A MAN, MUCH LESS ALLOWING ONE TO BEAT HER UP,” SHE NOTES. “AND JASON BLOSSOM WAS QUITE BRUTAL WITH VERONICA!”
“WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REAL ARCHIES AND THEIR FRIENDS?” NERO WANTS TO KNOW. “THEY CHANGED PLACES WITH US,” BREE REPLIES, “WHICH MEANS THAT GERALDINE GRUNDY BECAME ME. I CAN’T THINK OF A MORE UNLIKELY SUBSTITUTION!" “IT’S HARD FOR ME TO THINK OF THE NEW ARCHIES AS A GROUP OF WHITE ANGLO-SAXON PROTESTANTS,” SALEM CHUCKLES.
“BUT THE ARCHIES AREN'T WASPS," NERO REMINDS HIM, "AND THEY AREN'T ALL WHITE, EITHER. REGGIE MANTLE IS HALF CHEROKEE AND PART AUSTRALIAN ABORIGINE. VERONICA HAS SOME BLACK HERITAGE, AND ARCHIE'S MOTHER WAS A DARK-SKINNED SICILIAN LADY. BOTH BETTY AND JUGGY ARE HALF-JEWISH, AND JUG’S MOM IS JAPANESE. DON'T FORGET TREVOR SMITH, WHO WAS A MEMBER WHEN I MET THEM. HE'S AN AFRO-MEXICAN AMERICAN!”
“BUT THE ARCHIES AREN'T WASPS," NERO REMINDS HIM, "AND THEY AREN'T ALL WHITE, EITHER. REGGIE MANTLE IS HALF CHEROKEE AND PART AUSTRALIAN ABORIGINE. VERONICA HAS SOME BLACK HERITAGE, AND ARCHIE'S MOTHER WAS A DARK-SKINNED SICILIAN LADY. BOTH BETTY AND JUGGY ARE HALF-JEWISH, AND JUG’S MOM IS JAPANESE. DON'T FORGET TREVOR SMITH, WHO WAS A MEMBER WHEN I MET THEM. HE'S AN AFRO-MEXICAN AMERICAN!”
BREE NODS. “PEOPLE JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS WHEN THEY SEE LIGHT SKIN. BUT DID YOU NOTICE THAT TARA TRAPPED PEOPLE WE HAVEN’T EVEN MET YET IN HER TIME WARP? LYLE JASON BLOSSOM, aka BIG MOOSE, IS THE FUTURE MANAGER OF THE NEW ARCHIES; AND LANA SUZUKI (JELLI) AND RAMSAY KHALID SHARMA (POP) WON’T JOIN THE BAND FOR SEVERAL MORE YEARS. SOMEHOW, SHE KNEW THE BAND'S COMPLETE HISTORY!”
SALEM SIGNALS AGREEMENT BY BLINKING HIS BIG GREEN EYES. "AND IF THE NEW ARCHIES HAD BEEN MURDERED DECADES BEFORE THEY WERE BORN, THEY'D NEVER HAVE EXISTED! WHY DID TARA HATE THEM . . . AND US . . . ENOUGH TO WANT TO DO THAT?"
SALEM SIGNALS AGREEMENT BY BLINKING HIS BIG GREEN EYES. "AND IF THE NEW ARCHIES HAD BEEN MURDERED DECADES BEFORE THEY WERE BORN, THEY'D NEVER HAVE EXISTED! WHY DID TARA HATE THEM . . . AND US . . . ENOUGH TO WANT TO DO THAT?"
NERO ASKS THE QUESTION THAT'S ON EVERYONE'S MIND: “COULD SHE HAVE BEEN ACTING ON BEHALF OF SOMEBODY ELSE?” BREE HAS CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY AND FINDS IT NOT ONLY PLAUSIBLE, BUT LIKELY! THE FUTURE WITCH QUEEN ALSO HAS SUSPICIONS ABOUT WHO THAT SOMEBODY ELSE MIGHT BE, BUT SHE KEEPS THEM TO HERSELF.
"DON'T START ME LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER AGAIN," SHE SCOLDS. "I'VE HAD QUITE ENOUGH OF PARANOIA, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! LOOK . . . TARA NATION FAWS WAS A VERY DISTURBED WOMAN. SHE GOT INVOLVED WITH VOODOO AND UNLEASHED FORCES SHE COULDN'T CONTROL! THEY DROVE HER TO DO IRRATIONAL THINGS; BUT NOW SHE'S DEAD, AND THE THREAT SHE POSED IS GONE. THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT."
SALEM ARCHES AN EYEBROW AT THIS CLAIM! IF BREE NOTICES HIS SKEPTICAL REACTION, SHE DOESN'T LET ON. "TIME HAS RIGHTED ITSELF," SHE CONTINUES, "AND NEITHER THE ARCHIES NOR THE NEW ARCHIES WILL REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED. HUMAN MINDS DON’T RETAIN MEMORY OF TIME TRAVEL.” NERO BEGS TO DIFFER! "I REMEMBER,” HE PROTESTS, “AND I’M HUMAN!” BREE LAUGHS AND FONDLES HIS EARS. “HOW MANY TIMES MUST I REMIND YOU?” SHE TEASES. “AS SPECIAL AS YOU ARE, NERO, YOU’RE STILL A DOG! AND JUST LIKE WITCHES, ANIMALS CAN PERCEIVE ALL KINDS OF THINGS THAT HUMANS CAN’T.”
THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS FEMALE RECORD PRODUCER LEANS FORWARD AND LOOKS DOWN AT THE THE MAIN FLOOR OF HER STUDIO. A REHEARSAL IS TAKING PLACE. SHE SEES GARCY BRISEÑO ON GUITAR, A PROUD BUTCH LESBIAN. SO UNLIKE VERONICA LODGE; BUT MAYBE NOT SO DIFFERENT AFTER ALL? SHE BEAMS AT DONNA DANTE ON BASS, AS BEAUTIFUL AS BETTY COOPER BUT FAR MORE STREETWISE. ISN’T THAT JUST ON THE SURFACE, THOUGH?
WHAT A SURPRISE IT WAS FOR HER TO HEAR DRUMMER FRANK FUJIYAMA SING! HE WASN’T HALF-BAD, BUT THE ACTING PROFESSION WILL BE HIS TRUE CALLING. UNLIKE FRANKIE, JUGGY JONES ISN’T MUCH OF A WOMANIZER, BUT THE TWO MUSICIANS DO HAVE A WORLDLY-WISE DEMEANOR IN COMMON. AND HOW INTERESTING THAT KEYBOARD PLAYER RIKKI NINJA, AS REGGIE, ENDED UP PAIRED WITH KEVIN KELLER! KEVIN IS REGGIE'S TRUE-LIFE HUSBAND.
BREE GIGGLES AT THE THOUGHT OF ARCHIE ANDREWS AND WALDO WEATHERBEE BEING LOVERS LIKE PERCUSSIONIST MAL HYPSTER AND SAX PLAYER TOBY MAXX ARE. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD THAT HAPPEN! BUT JUST LIKE ARCHIE, MALACHI HIPP IS SERIALLY UNFAITHFUL; AND JUST LIKE WALDO, TOBIAS MAXWELL NEEDS TIME TO ACCEPT HIS TRUE SEXUALITY.
SALEM THE CAT STUDIES HIS OLD FRIEND CLOSELY. INSTINCTIVELY, HE KNOWS WHAT SHE’S THINKING! “SHE’S MORE LIKE MISS GRUNDY THAN SHE’S WILLING TO ADMIT,” HE DECIDES. “DEANIE WAS A MUSICAL MENTOR WHO TAUGHT THE ARCHIES HOW TO BECOME A COMMERCIAL BAND. ISN’T SABRINA PLAYING THE SAME ROLE WITH THEIR SUCCESSORS? I'M SURE GERALDINE GRUNDY WAS JUST AS PROTECTIVE OF HER PROTÉGÉS, TOO.”
BREE SPELLMAN PRESSES THE INTERCOM BUTTON ON HER CONSOLE. “NO MORE REHEARSING, PEOPLE! LET’S GET THAT NEW VERSION OF 'SUGAR, SUGAR' ON TAPE.” HER GAZE LINGERS FOR A LONG MOMENT ON TOBY, WHO'S PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON A HORN ARRANGEMENT. HE'S THE ONLY GROUP MEMBER TARA NATION FAWS DIDN'T TARGET FOR DEATH . . . BUT WHY? MOMENTARILY, HER EYEBROW FURROWS. THEN IT RELAXES, AS IF SHE’S LETTING GO OF A MINOR WORRY.
THE SOUND OF SCUFFLING IN THE CORNER BREAKS HER TRAIN OF THOUGHT. BREE TURNS AROUND AND SEES NERO PLAYING WITH A SHINY OBJECT. "WHAT'S THAT YOU HAVE THERE? " SHE INQUIRES. "BRING IT TO ME, PLEASE." THE DOG SURRENDERS A YO-YO MADE OF METAL. LOOKING CLOSE, SHE READS AN INSCRIPTION ON THE SIDE: TO DEANIE, WITH ALL MY LOVE! YOUR MAIN SQUEEZE, CHUCKY.
A TEAR FORMS IN HER EYE! SHE QUICKLY BRUSHES IT AWAY. TURNING BACK TO HER CONSOLE, BREE SPELLMAN STARTS THE TAPE ROLLING, HITS THE INTERCOM BUTTON AGAIN AND COUNTS DOWN TO THE SONG INTRO. THEN SHE SLIPS ON HER HEADPHONES AND LETS THE MUSIC OF THE NEW ARCHIES FILL HER MIND.
NOT THE END!
Written by HAMPTON JACOBS
Illustrated by STUFFED ANIMAL
Costumes by HENRIETTA la del BARRIO
Color by SHARPIE + TOMBOW
Cardstock by DICK BLICK
The Players
LYLE JASON BLOSSOM as DUKE "BIG MOOSE" MASON
HORNYTOAD as RAMIRO LODGE
DELIA GARCÍA “GARCY” BRISEÑO as VERONICA LODGE
DANTE CARMINE MANTLE as CHUCK CLAYTON
"DEACON" DIAMOND FAWS as JASON BLOSSOM*
TARA NATION FAWS as CHERYL BLOSSOM
ENRIQUE "RIKKI NINJA" FONSECA as REGGIE MANTLE
ENRIQUE "RIKKI NINJA" FONSECA as REGGIE MANTLE
FRANK FUJIYAMA as FORTUNATO "JUGGY" JONES
TIMOTHY GARLAND as KEVIN KELLER
JESSE HIPP as ZACHARY THAXTON
JESSE HIPP as ZACHARY THAXTON
MALACHI “MAL HYPSTER” HIPP as ARCHIE ANDREWS
BLOSSOM "DONNA DANTE" LUONGO as BETTY COOPER
BLOSSOM "DONNA DANTE" LUONGO as BETTY COOPER
TOBIAS “TOBY MAXX” MAXWELL as WALDO WEATHERBEE
NERO THE DOG as CHILI DOG
SIR AMBROSE NIXON as NICHOLAS "BIG NIPSY" FREUND
YVONNE REMY as FAWN "BIG ETHEL" MASON
SALEM THE CAT as HOT DOG
RAMSAY KHALID SHARMA as TERRY "POP" TATE
LANA SUZUKI as ANJELICA "JELLI" JONES-TORRES
NELLE TATTLESWORTH as MIDGE MERCURY*
NELLE TATTLESWORTH as MIDGE MERCURY*
and
SABRINA "BREE" SPELLMAN
as GERALDINE GRUNDY
Lyle Jason Blossom is the son of the real Jason Blossom. Dilton Doiley Briseño is the father of Garcy Briseño. Dante Carmine Mantle is the son of the real Reggie Mantle. Timothy Garland is the father of Malachi and Jesse Hipp. Yvonne Remy is the daughter of Alan Mayberry, sound engineer for both The Archies and Josie + The Pussy Cats. These characters appear in Pop Culture Cantina's 2015 graphic novel "Mama Can't Buy You Love"
SABRINA "BREE" SPELLMAN
as GERALDINE GRUNDY
Lyle Jason Blossom is the son of the real Jason Blossom. Dilton Doiley Briseño is the father of Garcy Briseño. Dante Carmine Mantle is the son of the real Reggie Mantle. Timothy Garland is the father of Malachi and Jesse Hipp. Yvonne Remy is the daughter of Alan Mayberry, sound engineer for both The Archies and Josie + The Pussy Cats. These characters appear in Pop Culture Cantina's 2015 graphic novel "Mama Can't Buy You Love"
*DEACON DIAMOND and NELLE TATTLESWORTH
appear in Pop Culture Cantina's 2015 fan art feature
"Archie-f*cking-MANIA"
Special Guest Appearances by
CHARLES LAQUIDARA as HIMSELF
LAURA PINTO as HERSELF
and introducing
HAMPTON JACOBS
as PORFIRIO "BOO" TORRES
HAMPTON JACOBS
as PORFIRIO "BOO" TORRES
THANKS TO THE LATE DON KIRSHNER AND THE REAL-LIFE ARCHIES:
ALL THE FABULOUS EAST COAST SESSION MUSICIANS WHO JAMMED THEIR ASSES OFF MAKING THE GREATEST CARTOON SOUNDTRACK EVER! CONGRATULATIONS TO RON DANTE AND TONI WINE ON 50 YEARS OF MAKING LIFE SO SWEET! SPECIAL THANKS TO MICHAEL V. SKEEN, PX MILSTEIN, THE MYSTERIOUS "WINDSOR BEAR", MUSIC CONTRACTOR EXTRAORDINAIRE ARTIE KAPLAN AND DINO “DEAN CHRISTOPHER” CALCAGNO, ORIGINAL MUSIC ARRANGER FOR THE ARCHIES.
DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF
A COUNTRY MUSIC LEGEND
AND A VERY KIND MAN:
ERNEST TUBB
"All you need is a quarter, son . . ."
DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF
A COUNTRY MUSIC LEGEND
AND A VERY KIND MAN:
ERNEST TUBB
"All you need is a quarter, son . . ."
