12 March 2016

Legacy Of A Rock 'n' Roll Witch Queen (Part Two)


Bree Spellman's Legacy:
New Archies Music in the 22nd Century
Yet Another Fan Art Fantasy by
DC Hampton Jacobs
Cartoon Images by Stuffed Animal

based on Archie Comics Characters

Gold and Platinum Singles by The New Archies
"Can't Break The Habit" (#5 Pop, released in 2039), "Eli's Comin'" (#11 Pop, released in 2040), "Humpty Dumpty"/"Don't Mention My Name" (#1 Pop, released in 2049), "I Just Wanna Keep It Together" (#1 Pop, released in 2057), "Jacksonville Station" (#14 Pop, released in 2041), "Lady Jane" (#5 Pop, released in 2039), "Mama Can't Buy You Love" (#17 Pop, released in 2039), "Promise Me Anything" (#10 Pop, released in 2052), "Rock-A-Polka" (#2 Pop, released in 2051), "Running In And Out" (#6 Pop, released in 2039), "Sausalito" (#2 Pop, released in 2041), "Shambala" (#7 Pop, released in 2040), "Tighter" (#9 Pop, released in 2039) "Where Do You Go?" (#3 Pop, released in 2048), "Wiggle On Out" (#12 Pop, released in 2047).


Part Two:
Garcy Briseño goes solo in the year 2042, and the original New Archies disband later that year.  The group's second phase launches in 2047, but sans Garcy: Lana Suzuki steps into her lead guitarist spot.  While fans quickly learn to love Susu, nobody can replace The Divine Ms. B!  Almost immediately, people start clamoring for a reunion.  It won't happen until fifteen years later, when La Briseño contributes four lead vocals to Memphis Streets, the band's farewell album.  Everybody knows about that collaboration, because the record was a huge hit; but only the most avid fans know about a second one which takes place later that same year.

"Bom dia!  This is Garcy.  Please join me and my dear friends, The New Archies, on a musical trip back in time: To Brasil in the fabulous 1960s!  I promise you, our spicy sambas and silky smooth bossa novas will make you dance in the streets."

The New Archies won't be very popular south of the border, but Garcy will become a major Latin-American star. She'll headline her own TV specials in México, Argentina and Brazil.  Typically, they're big budget extravaganzas spilling over with glittering guest stars, but her second Brazilian special will be an exception: For "Uma Celebração da Bossa Nova" the Pop diva shares a soundstage with no one but her ex-bandmates and a trio of folkloric dancers.  Unlike Garcy's other shows, which come and go without leaving much of an impression, this one will have enduring popularity.

RIO 2057

Some highlights of this hour-long tribute to bossa nova standards:  Sharmante (that's Donna Dante with hubby Ramsay Khalid Sharma) offering up a sexy, finger-popping version of "Summer Samba"; Mal Hypster swinging the merda out of "Desafinado"; Rikki Ninja working his Salsa Boricua magic on "María Ninguém"; and Chi and Ninja joining forces for a mad groovy duet on "Mais que Nada"!  During the dance sequences, Garcy and The New Archies perform extended instrumental versions of Burt Bacharach's "The Look Of Love" and the jazzy "Can't Get Over The Bossa Nova".

La Briseño sings the remaining vocal selections: Toby Maxx solos memorably on her Dixieland-flavored revamp of "Meditation", and Lana Suzuki's superb acoustic guitar accompaniment on "How Insensitive!" rates a lengthy standing ovation!  Garcy's penultimate number is another crowd-pleaser: "The Girl From Ipanema."  She brings her own guitar mastery to bear on Tom Jobim's famous paean to female beauty.  Noting her nuanced phrasing, Lesbians in the studio audience smile and nod their approval!  For the show's finale, the diva appears in a tutti-frutti turban à la Carmen Miranda, and with a hearty cry of superlegal! she commences wiggling her hips.  Dancing along to "One Note Samba", Chi, Ninja, Susu, Toto, Dee Dee and Ram follow her out of the TV studio.  Seconds later, cameras capture them on the streets of Rio, staging an impromptu mini-carnival.  Hundreds of onlookers join the festivities!

Entirely sung in Portuguese, "A Celebration of Bossa Nova" will air on TV Brasilia numerous times during the summer, fall and winter of 2057.  Fans anticipate a soundtrack recording, but none appears!  Garcy's soundtracks don't sell anywhere near as well as her studio albums.  Executives at her Brazilian record label also balk at showcasing The New Archies: "They had some hits in North America, but who are they, really?  Not much sales potential there." 

Unfortunately, it takes La Briseño's death in the year 2093 to generate enough interest in a CD/DVD release.  Can't Get Over The Bossa Nova! includes all ten songs from the TV special as well as two bonus tracks: "Samba Fantástico" and "Deixa Isso Prá Lá".  Garcy will cut these frantic dance tunes with her ex-bandmates before they leave Rio; intended for release as a single in 2058, they get shelved, once again due to A & R misgivings about The New Archies' star power.

Ordinarily, a foreign-language compilation wouldn't cause much of a stir stateside.  However, saturation coverage of the superstar's passing will put Garcymania in overdrive: Her 30-year-old tropical tribute vaults into the Catalog Album Top Ten, along with a plethora of solo albums and hits packages.  The soundtrack will also top the Brazilian charts and trigger a bossa nova revival that lasts several years!


Musidisc 993471
Meditação/Mediation (Jobim, Mendonça) - Garcy Briseño, vocal
Desafinado (Jobim, Mendonça) - Mal Hypster, vocal
María Ninguém (Carlos Lyra) - Rikki Ninja, vocal
Mais que Nada (Jorge Ben) - Rikki Ninja + Mal Hypster, duet vocals
Can't Get Over The Bossa Nova (Gormé, Lawrence) - instrumental
Samba Fantástico (Autuori, Manzón, Toledo) - Garcy Briseño, vocal
Insensatez/How Insensitive! (Jobim, de Moraes) - Garcy Briseño, vocal
Samba do Verão/Summer Samba (Marcos + Paulo Valle)
- Sharmante, duet vocals
The Look Of Love (Bacharach, David) - instrumental
Garota de Ipanema/Girl From Ipanema (Jobim, de Moraes) - Garcy Briseño, vocal
Samba de Uma Nota Só/One Note Samba (Jobim, Mendonça) - Garcy Briseño, vocal
Deixa Isso Prá Lá (Menezes, Paz) - Garcy Briseño, vocal
Original Television Soundtrack
Can't Get Over The Bossa Nova!
with The New Archies
A Garcy Briseño Production
Directed by Dom du Plessix
Music Under the Direction of
Ramsay Khalid Sharma
Produced by Garcy Briseño, Xavier Knox
+ Florez Cardinelli
Chief Sound Engineer:
Cisco Torquemada
Recorded @ Studio Excelsior, Rio de Janeiro
*A New Archies Production
Vocal Arrangements by The Magic Circle
Arranged by Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
Conducted by Ramsay Khalid Sharma
Produced by Malachi Hipp, Lana SuzukiGarcy Briseño 
Sound Engineer:
Tondelayo Gordon
Recorded @ Toca do Bandido, Rio de Janeiro

There's arguably no better document of The New Archies' instrumental virtuosity than Can't Get Over The Bossa Nova! From a collector's point of view, though, ten unreleased soundtrack recordings in Portuguese can't compare to a whopping 25 unreleased studio recordings (mostly) in English!  A French release on marigold-tinted virgin vinyl, Sunshine Mind will be the most coveted of all New Archies releases.

Dropping in the year 2089, it contains over two dozen previously-unreleased selections recorded from 2048-57. Predictably, Donna Dante's rockers and Ninja's ballads get the most attention from catalog album reviewers; but Mal Hypster's vocals are uniformly superb, as evidenced by his work on the sparkling title track.  Ramsay Khalid Sharma's only lead vocal on a New Archies studio recording is also found here.

Hempisphere HMS-2-711320A
Side One
Ring Of Fire (Cash, Kilgore) - lead vocals by Rikki Ninja*
Recorded in early 2051, this is an outtake from The New Archies' aborted
Tom Jones album project.
Judy In Disguise (Bernard, Gourrier) - lead vocals by Rikki Ninja*
Recorded in mid-2052, this John Fred + The Playboys cover 
is taken from an aborted singles session.
You, Baby (Barri, Sloan) - lead vocals by Rikki Ninja
Recorded in late 2047, this is The New Archies’ very first recording
@ Toby Maxx’s home studio, The Mad Groovy Pad.
Never Gonna Find (A Love Like Mine) (Shayne, Somer) - lead vocals by Donna Dante
Recorded in mid-2048, "Never Gonna Find" was sung by actress/singer Josetta James in the 1973 cult movie Pussy Riot.  It's the intended flipside to The New Archies'
cancelled single “Sunshine Mind.”
Yesterday’s Gone (Kidd, Stuart) - lead vocals by Donna Dante**
Recorded in late 2049, this is a leftover demo recording from The New Archies'
aborted Brenda Lee album project.
Take Me Home, Country Roads (Danoff, Denver, Nivert) - lead vocals by Mal Hypster
Recorded in late 2047, this John Denver cover is the cancelled 
follow-up single to “Wiggle On Out.”

Side Two
Baby, Don’t Go! (Sonny Bono)
- trio vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster + Rikki Ninja
Recorded in early 2049, this Sonny + Cher oldie is taken from an aborted singles session.
The Mountain’s High (Dick St. John)
- trio vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster + Rikki Ninja
Recorded in early 2048 @ this Dick + Dee classic is cut the same session as
the failed New Archies single “The Sound Of Love”.
Pants On Fire (Jim Donna) - duet vocals by Mal Hypster + Rikki Ninja*
Recorded in mid-2052, this is taken from an aborted singles session.
It was originally released in 1965 by The Castaways as "Liar, Liar".
Get Him! (Toni Wine) - lead vocals by Donna Dante
Recorded in early 2049, this is an outtake from The New Archies'
“For Pete’s Sake” soundtrack sessions.  It's a 1960s Girl Group rarity that was 
originally cut by Little Eva.
When You’re Young And In Love (Van McCoy) - lead vocals by Mal Hypster
Recorded in early 2048, this much-recorded Van McCoy ballad is 
an outtake from the Pétulance album sessions.
A Lotta Love (Banks, Parker) - lead vocals by Donna Dante*
Recorded in mid-2057, this Northern Soul stomper will be intended for
a Donna Dante solo single with backing by her bandmates.

Side One
Cinnamon (Cymbal, Tobin) - lead vocals by Mal Hypster
Recorded in late 2047, Johnny Cymbal's biggest hit will be the intended flipside to 
“Take Me Home, Country Roads.”
Ne Me Conneries/We’re Not Old Enough (Cooper, Cossette, Pinter, Susser)
- lead vocals by Donna Dante
Belle du Jour/You Sent Me Silver Bells (Cossette, Pike, Randazzo)
- lead vocals by Rikki Ninja
Recorded in late 2048, this pair of translated oldies will be recorded for
and featured in a Belgian remake of the 1967 French film Belle du Jour.
Run For Your Life! (Lennon, McCartney) - lead vocals by Donna Dante
Recorded in early 2049, this Beatles cover is taken 
from an aborted singles session.
Arizona (Kenny Young) - lead vocals by Rikki Ninja
Recorded in late 2047, this is an outtake from 
The New Archies' Pétulance album sessions.
Carpet Man (Jimmy Webb)
- chorus by Go Go Manischevitz, Donna Dante, Mal Hypster + Rikki Ninja
Recorded in late 2049, this forgotten Fifth Dimension hit is an outtake 
from sessions backing Pop diva Go Go Manischevitz.
"Carpet Man" will be briefly considered for single release.
Happiness Is Just Around The Corner (Van McCoy) - lead vocals by Mal Hypster*
Another great Van McCoy gem, recorded in mid-2051 @ the same session as “Hey, Mama!”
It will be a candidate for the flipside of that single.

Side Two
Darling, Be Home Soon (John Sebastian) - lead vocals by Rikki Ninja
This Lovin' Spoonful fave is recorded in late 2047.  It will be featured in a director’s cut 
DVD version of the movie Sinkhole Valley.
Keep On Tryin’ (Van McCoy) - lead vocals by Ramsay Khalid Sharma*
Recorded in mid-2052, this Bobby Vee oldie is taken 
from an aborted singles session.
Let’s Dance On! (Boyce, Hart)
- trio vocals by Donna Dante, Mal Hypster + Rikki Ninja
Recorded in early 2049 for The New Archies' TV tribute to The Monkees,
this version of “Let’s Dance On” was shelved in favor of one
by guest stars Rock Paisley Blizzard.
Je Vous en Prie/Walk Away, Renée (Calilli, Lookofsky, Devereaux, Sansone)
- duet vocals by Mal Hypster + Rikki Ninja
This French translation of The Left Banke's signature song was recorded in Milan, Italy.
It hails from an aborted singles session that takes place late in the year 2048.***
Halos Medley:
Come Softly To Me (The Fleetwoods)/Do I? (Andrew, Kaye, Shayne)
- lead vocals by Donna Dante*
Recorded in mid-2057, this medley was intended for the flipside of
Donna Dante's aborted solo single “A Lotta Love.”  It's a mash-up of two rare 1960s singles recorded by The Angels under the name "The Halos".  Both songs were also featured in the 1973 film Pussy Riot.
Sunshine Mind (Paul Levinson) - lead vocals by Mal Hypster
This is a cancelled single, recorded in early 2048 as the intended follow-up to
“The Sound Of Love.”
The New Archies
A Toto + Ninja Production
Music Supervision: 
Lyle Jason Blossom
Arranged by The New Archies
Conducted by Lana Suzuki
Produced by 
Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
Recorded @ The Mad Groovy Pad, Cambridge,
Centurion Studios, Toronto, Chapel of Rock, Santa Barbara
 and ASS (Archie Sound Studios), Mamaroneck
*Produced by Lana Suzuki
Recorded @ Vox Populi Studios, Tokyo
and Witch Queen Studios, Boston
**Produced by Nero the Dog
with Additional Production and Remix by 
Sonny Yin-Bao
Recorded @ Chapel of Rock, Santa Barbara
***Produced by Aqua Vulva
Recorded @ Grand Prix Studios, Milan
Mastering Engineer: 
Chikka Bhoumchik
Mastered @ Hemisphere Studios, Marseilles

After years of speculation, media behemoth Vox Sound + Image will buy up Blue Cat Records in 2090; this is the last label The New Archies will record for. Vox's acquisition of Salem Saberhagen's company prompts the release of a greatest hits package the following year. Collectors will quibble with the completeness of New Archies Hit Kit! It dares to omit Rikki Ninja-sung best-sellers like "Along Comes Mary", "Where Do You Go?" and his French-language chart-topper "La Mer Est Comme Toi".  Also missing are fan faves like "Love Is All Around", "Don't Mention My Name" and "The Door Into Summer".


However, in its favor are the inclusions of "Rock-A-Polka", featured for the first time on a New Archies compilation, and "Spend Some Time Lovin' Me," a heavily-bootlegged leftover track from the group's abandoned Bobby Sherman project. With Garcy Briseño's lead vocals holding forth on half the tracks, fans of the late "Latina Streisand" will find this album very satisfying indeed.  Ultimately, Hit Kit becomes the most widely-distributed New Archies compilation.  In fact, it will be their last catalog release for a quarter century!  The long drought ends in the year 2116, when South African Vox markets a vinyl box set reissue of every New Archies studio album.

Blue Cat 1495211
Rock-A-Polka (Bob + Dick Sherman) featuring Rikki Ninja*
Wiggle On Out (Jack Scott) featuring Donna Dante
Lady Jane (James, King) featuring Garcy Briseño
Promise Me Anything (Hemric, Styner) featuring Rikki Ninja*
Can't Break The Habit (Dozier, Holland) 
featuring Garcy Briseño
Sausalito (Graham Gouldman) featuring Garcy Briseño**
Humpty Dumpty (Cohen, Rostelli) featuring Donna Dante***
Eli's Comin' (Laura Nyro) featuring Mal Hypster
Amazing (Ciccone, Wainwright) featuring Garcy Briseño**
Family Of Man (Conrad, Williams)
I Just Wanna Keep It Together (Paul Davis) 
featuring Mal Hypster
Running In And Out Of My Life (Brown, Gordy, Story)
featuring Garcy Briseño
Hey, Mama! (Paul Anka)
featuring Mal Hypster and Rikki Ninja*
Tighter! (James, King)
Spend Some Time Lovin' Me (Atkins, Miller)
featuring Rikki Ninja*
Mama Can't Buy You Love (Bell, James)
featuring Mal Hypster
New Archies Hit Kit
The New Archies
A Witch Queen Production
Music Supervision: 
Salem Saberhagen
Arranged by The New Archies
Produced by Bree Spellman
Conducted by Nero the Dog
*Produced by Lana Suzuki
**Produced by Nero the Dog
***Produced by Rikki Ninja + Toby Maxx
Mastering Engineer:
Sonny Yin-Bao
Mastered @ Witch Queen Studios, Boston

What's most notable about Hit Kit are the remixes it contains. All but seven of the selections were produced by Bree Spellman, and those half-dozen productions appear in brand new versions. Nobody will know anything about them. Their source, even the way they got programmed into the download is completely unknown.  Sonny Yin-Bao, mastering engineer for the compilation, will swear that he didn't do the new mixes and has no idea who did!

Salem Saberhagen, who programs and sequences the fifteen tracks, will plead ignorance as well. The six mystery masters prove very popular, though, so the discrepancy is never corrected: The revamped recordings of "Rock-A-Polka", "Promise Me Anything", "Humpty Dumpty", "Amazing", "Hey, Mama!" and "Spend Some Time Lovin' Me" all remain in the track lineup.


Rikki Ninja will share his suspicions about the remix source with Salem.  (Now restored to human form, Sabrina's former feline companion looks incredibly young at the apparent age of 89)! "Those mixes are identical to Bree's production style," he'll declare. "I know her signature sound better than anybody; I was leader of Bree's house band and I helped her create it. Salem, you know what a control freak she was in the studio . . ." "Look who's talking!" the erstwhile house cat interjects. "As if you weren't just as bossy, Miss Thang." "Oh, never mind about that," Ninja snaps. "Since she became a Witch Queen, Bree is more controlling than ever.  Do you think . . . ?"

But Salem won't say what he thinks! With a sassy wink and an inscrutable smile on his face, dude will simply sign off the vidphone call.  "¡Ay, coño!" Ninja exclaims.

What do YOU think?
Did Bree Spellman do one last New Archies production?

Shut the front door!
You never even heard of these characters before?
Get with the program, dude! Wiggle on out
and dig the complete saga of . . .