24 June 2014

Say Goodbye To Riverdale: Part Six



Say Goodbye to Riverdale
Life’s A B*tch And Then You Die!
Cartoons + Castanets presents the conclusion
of a bawdy cartoon burlesque starring
The Archies
Josie + The Pussy Cats
Sabrina the Sorceress
Toni Topaz     Jason Blossom     Kevin Keller
and other fan art images
based on Archie Comics characters
with super-bitchin’ cameo appearances by Jeff Barry,
Wolf Blitzer, Mario Canedo, Anderson Cooper,
Micah Diamond, Ben Maisani, Donna Marie,
Dan Parent, Mick Patrick, Mike Pellerito,
Laura Pinto, Chuck Tackett,
Mark and Jon Trouten
and Nero the Dog
Burlesque written, directed and staged by
DC Hampton Jacobs

2027
Benazir Bhooty finds a flash drive full of explicit photos, along with a scrawled note in the front seat of her sports car. She can’t believe her eyes! Could it be a case of mistaken identity? After all, it was dark outside.  Jason Blossom surely can’t be the only man with currency symbols stamped on his ass! Benazir resolves to find out the truth.

Disguising herself as a frumpy American tourist, she gets a room at the Las Vegas hotel where Jason and Devon are staying on a “promotional trip”. She sneaks up to their suite and lets herself in by means of a lock-picking trick she learned for a movie part. The actress is hiding in the closet when her husband and his traveling companion return from breakfast. They remove their clothing to reveal Wonderbras, crotchless lace panties, garter belts and seamed stockings.  Benazir barely suppresses a gasp!

Then Jason unzips his travel bag and lifts out a jumbo can of Butter Flavor Crisco! Opening it, he jams a fist deep down inside; then he motions for Devon to lie down on the king-size bed. “Grab your ankles!” he thunders. “We’re going to re-enact the last scene from Crouching Horndog/Hidden Sausage.” “That was my favorite role!” Devon squeals.

Watching her husband perform unspeakable perversions with a male prostitute, the Saudi Arabian beauty is overcome by shock! On the witness stand, she will tearfully claim a hazy memory: “I vaguely remember them getting up from the bed, taking off their lingerie and going into the bathroom for a shower.” She won’t remember pulling the butcher knife out of her purse and following them in, or any of the subsequent carnage!

However, Devon Sweetbottom remembers everything. He barely escapes with his life! “That b*tch was crazy,” he’ll later tell The National Enquirer. “She had this SonoVid (successor to the Ipod) blasting that wild violin music from Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho.  That music was playing while she sliced him up! And she kept screaming the title of her new movie at him: Life’s A Bitch And Then You Die! Is that f*cked-up, or what?”

A few months before she knifed Jason, Benazir Bhooty had filmed an almost identical scene for that movie. Her attorney will argue that the shock of Jason’s infidelity confused her sense of place and time; believing that she was still playing a slasher, she unwittingly became one in real life. Found not guilty due to temporary insanity, Benazir will spend eighteen months confined to a sanitarium. While there, she’ll be deluged by offers for book deals, TV appearances and movie roles!  Notoriety kicks her celebrity status into overdrive, and she couldn’t be more pleased.

Devon’s singing career will benefit too. Republic International reissues his all-but-forgotten Raw Like Sewage album, and it charts for one week. Asked later why he didn’t mourn Jason’s death, the heartless bastard shrugs: “I do miss Jay-B. And I especially miss that monster he was packin’ between his legs, but hey . . . sh*t happens! There’s plenty of rich, closeted sugar daddies left in the world.” So many sugar daddies, but so little time left! Devon will soon learn that he’s contracted a drug-resistant strain of HIV.  It's the result of acting in too many “bareback” porn flicks!


PROMO FOR MARMALADE LADIES,
THE BETTYS' CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED
SECOND ALBUM

2028
One of Ralfi Chingas’ biggest disappointments is what happened to the album he and Jonniemae Trouten produced for The Bettys in early 2018. The album master sold to Jamie Records. Then Republic International executed a hostile takeover of Jamie, and the master went missing. “It got nuked,” Ralfi reveals during a Mick Patrick interview. “I’m not at liberty to say how, but the master tape ended up back in our hands. Then The Bettys got word Jason Blossom knew we had it.  One of his lawyers was in town to claim his property; in fact, dude was right outside the studio! They panicked and destroyed the tape: Dropped that putamadre into an ashtray and burned it to a crisp. ¡Ay! It hurt me so to see our hard work go up in smoke; but I understood how they felt. No way were they gonna let that assh*le control their music!”

But now, six months after Jason’s death, the album master miraculously reappears! Sabrina Spellman presents it to Archie, who is now a shareholder of Republic USA (successor to Republic International). One listen is all it takes for Arch to know he’s in possession of a masterwork! The next morning, he hand-delivers the tape to Alexandra Cabot-Mayberry, Republic’s new CEO. “When I heard Betty’s Patsy Cline tribute album, I thought that was the best singing she’d ever do,” he tells Xandii, “but was I wrong! Listen to her interpret these classic songs by Bob Crewe, Nona Hendryx and Allen Toussaint. Babe’s gotta be one of the finest Rock vocalists of all-time!" Alexandra nods her agreement. "Not only that, but I marvel at Midge Mercury’s perfect timing, Bree Spellman’s Soul-deep keyboards, and Jonniemae’s flamethrower guitar-playing. She's even better than Josie! These women kicked ass and took names." Arch declares: "You can’t put this record out soon enough.”

Bree won’t say where the tape has been all this time, and Ralfi still swears it got incinerated. Betty, Midgie and Jonniemae all decline to comment. In any case, Archies fans hail the belated release of Marmalade Ladies, which features the most ferocious lead vocals Betty ever put on wax! It wins a Gold record and gets counted among the Top Ten Rock records of 2028. Unfortunately, the individual Bettys are far too busy to capitalize on its success: Midgie has replaced Melody Munro-Jones as drummer in Josie’s band; Bree now runs her own recording studio in Boston; and Jonniemae has gone to work for Ralfi at Discos Fuentes. The women are still good friends, but none of them are interested in getting back together.

2029
After recording a quartet of million-selling Heavy Metal albums, Kevin Keller announces his intention to become a Jazz vocalist. Jazz lover Jughead is delighted (“Kevin’s a natural Jazz singer”, he raves), but Kelly’s fans are shocked and dismayed. Predictably, a subsequent duet album with Esperanza Spaulding gets mixed reviews and fails to sell: He’s too much of a rocker for the Jazz purists and too jazzy for the Metal heads! But there’s no time to ponder his next career move. Late one night when he’s cutting demos at Sabrina’s Boston studio, his hubby Clayborne telephones with awful news: Terrorist attacks have devastated San Francisco! Thousands have died and millions will be left homeless. Gathering in the bayside city from far-flung corners of the world, The Archies once again re-unite for benefit performances and relief work. Naturally, Kelly and Clay are right there working alongside them.

Reconnecting with Reginald Mantle III during this time, Kelly informs Gino that his old label, Fantasy Records, wants him back; after controversy erupted over Gino's envelope-pushing music videos, they'd parted company back in 2009. However, the company is now known for its cutting-edge output; Kevin Keller’s DVD single “Stop Me” is proof of that! Besides, Fantasy’s new CEO Laura Pinto has a history with the maverick musician; she was music supervisor for Spill The Wine, the Reggie Mantle album that launched his career in Latin music.

Remembering time spent on her casting couch, and how her record label had suddenly tanked, Gino is resistant. Kelly keeps after him, though, and ends up helping finalize the deal. (Gino's producer Dilton Doiley Briseño also signs with Fantasy; after years of splitting his time between academia and the Tejano scene, Dilton finally chooses music over math! He quits his teaching job and accepts Laura Pinto's offer to head up her A & R Department; over time, he'll succeed her as company CEO. Fantasy Records will do right by Gino this time; but after Laura chases him down a flight of stairs brandishing a butt plug, the King of Disco Huapango is careful to never get caught alone with he!. “She walks with a cane now,” he tells an amused Olga San Quentín, “but my rock-hard ass still drives her crazy.”

Late in the year, The Archies settle with Republic USA.  Archie and Veronica Lodge-Andrews OK new releases from the Archie Records catalog. The group’s 2001 Carole King demos appear in legitimate form for the first time, along with a collection of demos for the 2004 Jeff and Ellie Songbook album. Archie’s Christmas Album from 2007 is reissued for the first (but not last) time. In subsequent years, deluxe reissues of albums and singles will appear.


THE ARCHIES' 2009 COUNTRY ROCK HIT
"LOVE OF THE COMMON PEOPLE"
WILL BE REISSUED IN A 2079
45 RPM VINYL BOX SET

2030
Fantasy Records reissues Gino's long-deleted album of Neil Diamond covers, Love 2 Love. Neil once demanded it be withdrawn from sale; but listening to a copy one day with his son Micah, he changed his mind about its musical merit. “Reggie Mantle is the only singer who ever did my father’s songs justice,” Micah Diamond believes. For its bold advocacy of polyamory and pansexuality, Rock historians hail Love 2 Love (as well as its sexually-explicit promotional videos) as a groundbreaking social statement. "Reginald was an artist before his time," Mick Patrick writes, "and he still is!"

The Archies remake Scott McKenzie’s “San Francisco” as a charity single for homeless relief; they cut the tune at Bree Spellman´s Witch Queen Studios, with Kevin Keller singing guest lead vocals. Ralfi Chingas and Jonniemae fly up from Medellín to produce the session; Nero the Dog (now enjoying success as a Spanish-language Pop singer) accompanies them and graciously howls a backing vocal. Listening to the playback, Ralfi remarks: "I can't quite put my finger on it, but this record has a certain magical quality." Up in the soundbooth, Bree, Nero and Salem the Cat exchange hand-to-paw fist bumps! Released by Republic USA, "San Francisco" becomes The Archies' long-awaited second chart-topping single!


PROMO FOR "SAN FRANCISCO",
THE ARCHIES' CHART-TOPPING REVIVAL
OF A SUMMER OF LOVE ANTHEM

Responding to popular demand, the group decides to wax one final LP. They sign directly with Discos Fuentes; Archie Records' one-time South-American sister label now has a worldwide distribution deal with Republic USA. Listening to a stack of old vinyl from her late mother’s music collection, Veronica hears a Jay + The Americans album track titled “The Grass Will Sing For You.” A Tony Bruno/Vic Millrose composition, it was cut by many different artists in the late ‘60s, but never became a hit. Roni falls in love with the song: “It's clearly about the joy of having sex outdoors, but it’s subtle. It’s romantic! You just don’t hear lyrics like that anymore.” She brings the soulful beat ballad to Archie, and he decides to cut a demo. The raspy roughness of his voice puts the tune across far better than Jay Black’s semi-operatic delivery did; for the first time in a long while, Arch is happy with his performance. “Why don't we make ‘The Grass Will Sing For You’ the title track of our new LP?” he suggests. Roni nods. "I was thinking the same thing. It suggests the whole album concept to me.”

As plans progress for the new album, The Archies offer Kevin Keller full membership; it's the latest of numerous invitations over the years. Everyone sees the logic of him joining up, since Kelly sang with the group on many Archie label releases; but Archie himself has a more somber motive. "The Grass Will Sing For You" demo notwithstanding, his singing voice has continued to deteriorate; he no longer feels confident fronting the band. Dude has decided to step back and take a behind-the-scenes role. Kevin finally agrees to join after his second Jazz-oriented album flops. He finds himself being groomed to replace Archie on lead vocals!


KEVIN KELLER JOINS THE ARCHIES
AS THEIR NEW LEAD SINGER!

2031
Veronica asks Ralfi Chingas to co-produce the final recording sessions with her. His A & R position at Discos Fuentes was a strong motive for The Archies to sign with the label. "You made our 2002 comeback possible," Roni reminds him, "so you should be with us at the end." Ralfi declines, citing his huge workload. "You are The Archies' producer now," he insists. "You cut their last album, and it was excellent." "It tanked, Nooky," she pouts. "All the more reason you should produce this record without me," he replies. "You've got unfinished business, Miss Thang: A hit record for your own group! And if there's one thing Roni Lodge-Andrews excels at, it's business. ¡Te vayas! But if you need me, I'll help out as much as I can."

Veronica, Archie, Jughead, Betty and Kevin assemble at Archie Sound Studios (ASS) for the sessions. As usual, they are their own rhythm section, but now they’re augmented by the Riverdale Symphony Orchestra! It’s the first time The Archies have recorded with orchestral backing since their 1991 album This Is Love. Most of the tunes Roni and Archie have chosen are ballads, so it seems logical to have strings and horns. However, Gino dislikes the AOR orientation of the new record. “When I was in Olguita and Reginald, I sang enough ballads to last me a lifetime," he complains. "Dammit, I wanna rock!”  He has prior commitments in South America, too, so he can’t come to Mamaroneck. Gino ends up cutting his vocals separately from the rest of group, working with Dilton Doiley Briseño down in El Paso.


PHOTO BOOKLET INSERT FROM
THE ARCHIES' FINAL STUDIO ALBUM

Likewise, Trevor Smith is too busy to take leave from his position at Esperanto Music. Dude records his vocal tracks at London’s Abbey Road Studios. Both Gino and Trev’s performances are laid on top of backing tracks produced by Veronica at ASS. Archie is unhappy with this setup. “We are a f*cking group,” he yells. “It sucks that people are cutting songs for this album by themselves!”

Ralfi Chingas suggests a compromise. He convinces Archie, Reginald and Trevor to fly down to Medellín over a weekend. With Jonniemae producing, they cut Three Dog Night-style trio vocals for two up-tempo tracks: “Let’s Lock The Door” and “Only In America”. Ralfi conducts a salsa horn arrangement that chief engineer Yvonne Remy will overdub onto The Archies’ original rhythm tracks. (Yvonne is Alan Mayberry’s daughter, following in her daddy’s footsteps!) Nero the Dog adds a background vocal.

This trio session becomes legendary in Pop music circles; later, Nero will describe it to Sabrina and her cat Salem: “Archie’s hands were flaring as he bit down on the lyrics. Gino’s hips were swaying to the beat as he improvised Latin-style. Trev was wailing with his head thrown back in joyful abandon! They were competing with each other, but it wasn’t a negative vibe. It was a bitchin' vibe! The fellas just sang their asses off.”


VERONICA'S RACY "GARDEN OF EDEN"
PHOTOS AND SLEEVE DESIGN FOR THE
ARCHIES' FINAL STUDIO ALBUM

When released, The Grass Will Sing For You sports a racy surprise on its album sleeve: Veronica’s daring nude photos of the elderly Archies, posed in a Garden of Eden setting! There’s a resurgence of puritanism in the early 2030s, so the sight of Kevin Keller and Trevor Smith’s exposed genitals triggers a Right Wing media furor! Veronica shrugs off the criticism: “I just wanted to show that you can still be sexy in your 60s and 70s,” she explains. “I declare!  You’d think I had shot X-rated footage. And why is everybody talking about the boys’ pricks? They’re nothing special. You can see my boobsies in those photos, too. Just look at those beauties! They’re as firm and bouncy as when I was a teenager.”

Cultural pundits aren’t the only ones who turn thumbs down on The Grass Will Sing For You: There’s a consensus among Rock critics that it leans too much in an AOR direction. Gino’s misgivings seem well-founded when Mick Patrick gives the LP a one-word review: “Yawn.” Rolling Stone concurs, dismissing it as “geriatric Pop, only good for rocking you to sleep!”

No matter: The album ships Platinum and tops Billboard's Pop chart! Despite getting negligible airplay, the DVD singles (“Strangers Tomorrow”, featuring lead vocals by Kevin, and “Come Dance With Me”, led by Jughead) break Top Fifty in unit sales. The Only In America extended play disc goes Top Forty; it features demo versions of the masters Arch, Gino and Trev laid down in Medellin.  Remixed for dance clubs by Spanish Eddie, these are the last recordings Ralfi Chingas will produce for The Archies. Fans clamor for one final stage show!  The retirement-age band decides to say goodbye with a world tour.


THE LAST THREE STUDIO SINGLES
RELEASED BY THE ARCHIES

2032
The farewell tour kicks off in March, in Washington DC. In addition to sax, bass, fiddle, keyboards, drums, percussion, rhythm guitar, lead guitar and vocals performed by the band, there are two backing vocal groups (The Cochinada Brothers and The Zoot Suit Muchachas) and a mariachi horn section.  Mariachi Lowrider also augments The Archies with acoustic guitars, violins and a harp (an earlier incarnation of this Nuevo Tejano group had played on the Exitos en Español album. Harvey "Foolkiller" Schwartz and his vatos also served as pit orchestra for Soul And Inspiration, Jughead and Kevin Keller's fondly-remembered jukebox musical.)

Officially, the 2032 touring personnel include Kevin, Archie, Betty, Veronica and Jughead. Juggy’s wife Toni Topaz appears with The Archies on tour, but not as an opening act: The ex-Bettys bassist performs as part of the band and sings some of her Reggae hits to boot! Reginald and Trevor don't go on the road, but they make surprise guest appearances at concert dates in South America and Europe.


SPANISH-LANGUAGE HERALD
FOR WORLD TOUR STOPS IN
MÉXICO, BRAZIL, COLOMBIA,
AND ARGENTINA

The 50-city tour breaks box office records all over the world!  Even in countries like England, France and India where sales figures routinely lagged, business is brisk.  When The Archies play New Dehli, the city goes wild for them; they are held over for two nights! While in India, they accept producer Barclay Singh's invitation to track songs in several native languages.  New versions of "Get Off My Cloud" (in Urdu), "River-Deep, Mountain-High" (in Punjabi), "Mr. Five by Five" (in Kashmiri), "Girl" (in Bengali) and the old "Archie Comedy Hour" theme (belted in Tamil by Toni Topaz) will feature on a 2033 compilation that storms the Asian charts!  A single that pairs "Girl" with a Hindi medley of Rascals hits also scores big.  Everywhere the group plays, their back catalog gets a substantial sales boost.


Even so, the tour gets off to a rocky start. Audiences boo Kevin Keller’s lead vocals on familiar Archies hits, and he flees from the stage in tears (Veronica comforts him: “Come to mama, honey child”)! They demand to hear Archie. Even though his singing voice sounds weak and he can’t hit the high notes anymore, crowds give Arch a standing ovation night after night. Their unconditional love never fails to bring him to tears! Archie's vocal coach Timothy Garland is on hand, and manages to preserve what’s left of his ravaged voice.

The set list includes early Archies favorites like “Bang-Shang-A-Lang”, “Who’s Your Baby?”, “Get On The Line”, “Sunshine” and “You Little Angel, You” (with the last three songs performed in Spanish as well as English). Concentrating on hits they’ve recorded since 2004, the band also performs “Hip Shaker”, “Soul Deep Ska”, “Nobody But You”, “Jacky Daniels And You”, “Let’s Get It On Today”, “Love Her!”, “Come Dance With Me” and their Tejano-flavored 2008 remake of “Sugar, Sugar.” Kevin Keller raises the decibel level performing “My Clone Sleeps Alone” and “Stop Me”, his unforgettable solo hits. Rockers dominate, but big ballads like "Love Of The Common People" and “Unchained Melody” (from Soul And Inspiration) are the real show-stoppers.


COLLECTIBLE SOUVENIR BOOKLET
SOLD DURING THE ARCHIES'
2032 WORLD TOUR

When Gino steps on stage in México City to sing Neil Diamond’s “Kentucky Woman”, he is dressed to the nines in colorful charro regalia. The Latin-American fans go wild! “It isn’t just a Latin thing, either,” he reminds Archie backstage. “Did you forget that women love seeing a Rock star in tight pants?” He scolds the group for performing in casual clothes. “Veronica is the only one here who looks presentable. Come on, people! This is our last tour! We need to dress up for the occasion.”

On his advice, the band starts sporting colorful south-of-the-border costumes in concert; they are creations of Gino's personal couturier, Henrietta la del Barrio.  Sure enough, the new look causes a sensation! Arch, Juggy and Kelly put their own unique twist on Latin chic: Their habit of wearing charro jackets and sombreros with booty-hugging Daisy Dukes triggers a major urban fashion craze.

Raj Patel´s wife Amisha is delighted with the costume changes; she finds them highly photogenic. Babe is filming some of the dates for a documentary and DVD album. Betty consults with Amisha frequently, and keeps busy writing on her laptop while the band is on the road. Everybody thinks Betts is working on another one of her cookbooks, but they’re in for a big surprise!


INSIDE GATEFOLD PHOTOGRAPHY
FOR THE DVD ALBUM OF
AMISHA PATEL'S CONCERT FILM

After setting attendance records around the world, the tour ends, naturally, in Riverdale! Trevor Smith and Reginald Mantle III fly in for the final show; and Gino brings along members of Olga San Quentín's Dulce de Fuego dance troupe. Before an overflow crowd of 75,000 screaming and sobbing fans, the band performs three encores. The first is "Jet Airliner", for which Trev reprises his Grammy-nominated lead vocal note-for-note. The second is the seldom-heard "Jump Back, Honey!" from The Archies' failed Swing album of the same title. When his frenzied scat singing rates a standing ovation, Kevin Keller finally feels validated as a Jazz singer. The last encore is Archie's whispered, half-spoken rendition of "The Grass Will Sing For You". It seques into a grand finale of "Say Goodbye to Riverdale", written by Billy Joel for The Bettys' 2016 début album. The Archies perform it ensemble-style, with spirited accompaniment by Mariachi Lowrider and Dulce de Fuego.

Suddenly, all stage lights dim and the singers are stunned into silence. “That wasn’t planned,” gasps Veronica. “WTF is happening?” The massive crowd starts cheering wildly when a familiar face flashes on the overhead monitors. It's an old friend from Riverdale High School! “Archer St. Christopher Andrews, Mary Elizabeth Cooper, Veronica Lodge-Andrews, Forsythe Jerome Jones, Reginald Mantle III, Trevor Smith, Kevin Keller and Topaz Braithwaite: This is the President of the United States speaking." Commander-in-Chief Nancy Woods-Watanabe addresses The Archies on a live feed from the White House: “America loves you, and you know that I love all of you, too. Don’t ever stop rockin’ us!” No one present that night will ever forget the ear-splitting, five-minute roar of approval that greeted the President's words.


HERALD FOR ADIOS, AMIGOS, SMASH HIT
DOCUMENTARY OF THE ARCHIES'
2032 FAREWELL TOUR

2033
In January, AARP features The Archies on its magazine cover as role models for senior citizens. That same month, they make the cover of Time. In February, NARAS honors them with a long-overdue Lifetime Achievement Award; these are the first of many honors that start flowing in a steady stream. Their final TV appearances (the first a tribute to songwriter Laura Nyro and the second an "MTV Unplugged" special) pull big ratings; critics rain praise on their performances, and both shows are nominated for Emmy awards.  In June, they take a much-deserved group vacation in Ibiza. Relaxing nude under the palm trees are Archie and Roni, Jughead and Toni Topaz, Betty and Anderson Cooper, and Kevin and Clayborne Walker-Keller. Trevor Smith and Christina Angel are there, too, as well as Reginald and Olga San Quentín (sadly, it’s the last time the group will ever see her). However, this a working vacation; the group has important business matters to take care of.

After donning shorts and tees, The Archies meet in the grand conference room of Hotel Mirador, they vote Toni into the group as a full-fledged member. Reginald and Trevor vote to return from their extended hiatuses. Then, all present vote to disband as a group! Minutes later, the former bandmates vote to reunite as a corporation.

Archies, Incorporated will control all marketing of the group’s images and music catalog. “The first release under our new arrangement will be Amisha Patel’s concert film,” Archie announces. “The second will be the DVD album of the farewell tour. By this time next year, we’ll have confirmed other projects.” “I don't think you'll have to wait that long,” Betty interjects. She drops her bombshell: She has written a complete account of the farewell tour! Not only that, she’s put together a detailed history of the group. That's the “cookbook” she was working on between tour dates.

“I’d like to publish it under the Archies, Incorporated imprint,” she states. “Amisha Patel is going to provide concert stills, and from my personal collection, I will add dozens of snapshots.” Betty spreads several of those photos out on the conference table; some date back to high school, and the group’s founding by Archie, Juggy and Gino as a Rockabilly trio. Laughing and reminiscing at the sight of their younger selves, The Archies are overcome by nostalgia. “Ooh, Juggy,” laughs Toni, pointing to a Polaroid of her husband wearing his famous beanie. “You dressed so badly back then! But I still thought you were the cutest boy at Riverdale High.”


BETTY'S GROUP BIOGRAPHY WITH FRONT
AND BACK COVERS OF THE ARCHIES'
FAREWELL CONCERT TOUR DVD ALBUM

Betty distributes copies of her manuscript. “My book doesn’t pull any punches,” she warns. “It presents us just as we are, warts and all: Drinkin', fightin', cheatin', divorcin' and skankin' around! But it isn’t sensational or vindictive.  It's just a hella great story! It’s colorful, and sexy and exciting and funny and sad, all at the same time. It’s the life we’ve lived together.  I think it’s pretty damn special."

So do all her group mates after they finish reading it. “Bettykins, half the time I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe,” Roni tells her. “The other half, I was clutching a dripping wet handkerchief.” She gives her BFF a warm hug. “Thank you for saying such lovely things about me, and about Daddy and Mother.” Trev steals a kiss from his high school squeeze: “You are something else, Betts. Not only did you take my virginity, you took Archie’s, too! Maybe I had to share your sweet poontang with him, but that’s OK. I’ll always be glad you were my first time.” Caressing his cheek fondly, Betty replies: “I’m glad you were my first time.” Ex-husband Jughead takes her hand. “I think I finally understand why we broke up,” he smiles sadly. “Toni is my heart and soul now, but I’ll never, ever stop loving you.”

The group members vote unanimously to endorse the manuscript, and Betty’s group biography is officially named the third Archies, Incorporated project. At the end of one week, the working vacation ends like countless others before it have: With a wild, no-swimsuits-allowed, private pool party!


BOOKLET COVER AND INNER SLEEVE
DESIGNS FOR THE GRASS WILL SING FOR YOU
ALBUM, WITH PHOTOS BY VERONICA

Back to the Future . . .
There’ll be more cause for celebration when the concert film breaks box office records, Betty’s book tops the best-seller lists, and the live three-record set becomes the band’s second consecutive Number One album! But those triumphs will be preludes to painful reflection for Reginald Mantle III. Exactly one year after the Ibiza retreat, Olga San Quentín suffers heart failure in the midst of choreographing a new dance routine for Dulce de Fuego. Thousands of wailing fans attend her funeral; the President of México declares Olga one of the nation’s greatest songwriters, on a par with Agustín Lara, Juan Gabriel and José Alfredo Jiménez. In the months following her cremation, a grief-stricken Gino abandons his career and becomes reclusive. “The money, the music, the fans . . . none of it means anything without my Olguita!” he sobs.

Responding to a desperate call from Reginald's son Dante Carmine, Kevin and Clayborne Walker-Keller fly down to his hacienda in México City. With a combination of tough love and TLC, they pull the despondent widower back from the brink. “Please don’t leave me,” Gino begs them after a week. “We’ve got to leave,” Kelly replies, “but guess what, dude? You’re coming with us!” Clay agrees: “Yes, you really need to get away from here for a while. Dante thinks so, too. I know you’ll love our home in Taos.” Gino also loves their goofy teenage sons, Penn and Teller; but most of all, he loves living with his BFFs. Reginald soon realizes that he’s fallen deeply in love with both men!

ARCHIES 2031-2BookScanStation-2014-05-13-03-41-23-PM0003

VERONICA'S AMAZING 65-YEAR-OLD TITTIES,
FEATURED IN HER INSIDE GATEFOLD DESIGN FOR
THE GRASS WILL SING FOR YOU ALBUM

Years ago, during the time he was suspended from The Archies, they’d enjoyed a single three-way romp in bed. Afterwards, he told himself: “Never again.” His feelings were too intense! He craved something more from Kevin and Clayborne than just sexual gratification; but he’d just gotten involved with Olguita, and he certainly didn’t want to interfere with what the Walker-Kellers had together. He couldn’t stay away from them, though: Whenever he visited their Riverdale home with Olga and Mike Pellerito, an orgy was inevitable!

Now, finally, he dares to let the depth of his feelings be known: Tengo tres corazones: Mi Olguita y los dos de usted. The night he confesses his love, the three men make passionate love together until dawn breaks. At one point, Gino requests that Kelly and Clay perform a double penetration on him. “No,” Clay says firmly. “That’s too dangerous.“ He reaches for two condom packets. “Let’s do it the sensible way. Kelly will shag you while you shag me.” Sandwiched between the husbands, Reginald feels enveloped in pure love; he experiences ecstasy like never before! After all three men climax, Clay lays his head on Gino's chest and whispers: “Now you can’t go home.” Gino agrees, kissing Kevin’s shoulder. “I am at home.”


CLAY, KELLY AND GINO'S CONTROVERSIAL
HOLY UNION PHOTO GOES VIRAL
IN THE YEAR 2035

It takes three months to make all the arrangements; then Kevin and Clayborne both exchange fidelity vows with Reginald. Plural marriage still isn't legal in the 2030s, so their wedding is officially called a Holy Union. As a wedding gift, Anderson and Betty Cooper fly them to Tahiti for the ceremony. Afterwards, Betty confides: "I love Andy so much; but if I were married to both him and Juggy at the same time, I'd be the happiest woman alive. Some people don't understand your kind of love, but believe me, I do. God bless you!"

Clay, Kelly and Gino will live out the rest of their lives together as America’s most famous poly-amorous same-sex couple. Naturally, the Walker-Keller-Mantles become strong advocates for plural marriage, but they prove that their expanded concept of family isn't just about sex: They’ll take turns caring for AIDS-stricken Devon Sweetbottom in the final stages of his illness.

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MEMORABILIA PHOTOGRAPHED FOR
BETTY'S BEST-SELLING 2033
GROUP BIOGRAPHY

Also in 2034: Trev Smith’s actor son Trevor Angel stars in a smash hit remake of Black Belt Smackdown! The original 2007 film was Archie’s only starring role on screen. In 2035, Jesse Hipp, the youngest son of Timothy Garland is named chief administrator of prestigious Riverdale Music Academy. Shortly afterwards, founding administrators Archer and Veronica Lodge-Andrews announce their retirement from active roles at the school.

Just before they relocate permanently to a vacation home in Italy, the Riverdale city council votes to rename the town’s main drag Lodge-Andrews Boulevard. “My uncle Archie and Aunt Roni put this town on the map,” declares Mayor Delaney Cabot at the ceremony. (She’s the daughter of Gospel singer Valerie Smith Cabot as well as the niece of Trevor Smith). “First, as members of The Archies; then as founders of Riverdale Music Academy; and finally as humanitarians who have helped countless victims of terrorist violence. They are not only town treasures, but national treasures!”

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BETTY'S ARCHIES BIOGRAPHY IS
THE BASIS OF A 2037 MOVIE MUSICAL
DIRECTED BY BENAZIR BHOOTY

At this point, our insight into the future gets hazy. We can’t say for sure what happens after Arch and Roni leave Riverdale; but what do you bet Archie has one more great solo album left in him? That Josie James’s new band Jozetta becomes the next U2? That Sabrina’s Witch Queen Studios (with its mad groovy haunted house décor) will make her one rich witch? That director Raj Patel will keep pushing the sex and nudity envelope? That LaDiva Garland will keep finding submissive father figures to help promote her career? That Betty and Anderson Cooper will consider the plural marriage option? And that Laura Pinto will have her wicked way with Gino's rock hard ass just one more time?

Roni's driving through the city tonight
Through the lights in a hot new rented car
She joins The Archies in her heavy machine
It's a scene on Lodge-Andrews Boulevard
Say goodbye to Riverdale
Say goodbye, my baby
Say goodbye to Riverdale
Say goodbye, my baby

So many faces in and out of her life
Some will last, some will just be now and then
Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes
And she knows it's time for goodbye again
Say goodbye to Riverdale
Say goodbye, my baby
Say goodbye to Riverdale
Say goodbye, my baby*


*excerpt from “Together We Two”, words and music by
Jeff Barry and Andy Kim. Copyright 1970 Sony/ATV Songs/
Steeplechase Music (BMI). "Say Goodbye to Riverdale", based on
"Say Goodbye to Hollywood", words and music by Billy Joel,
copyright 1976 Joelsongs (ASCAP).


"Say Goodbye to Riverdale" is DC Hampton Jacobs' cartoon love letter to Archie Comics, Latino culture, Pop music from the 1960s and '70s, dance crazes, and Japanese Gay erotic art. Robert López, better known as El Vez, the Mexican Elvis, is the inspiration for Ralfi Chingas. Jonniemae is the alter ego of Jon Trouten (and he never even knew)! Laura Pinto isn't a record producer in real life, but she's the founder of Pop Culture Cantina as well as a fine novelist; buy her bitchin' new book, The DA's Forever! This burlesque treatment of Archie and his friends is dedicated to the memory, talent and bawdy humor of Harry Lucey, the finest "Archie" artist there ever was.

Say Goodbye To Riverdale: Part Five

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Say Goodbye to Riverdale
Life’s A B*tch And Then You Die!
Cartoons + Castanets presents Part Five
of a bawdy cartoon burlesque starring
The Archies
Josie + The Pussy Cats
Sabrina the Sorceress
Toni Topaz     Jason Blossom     Kevin Keller
and other fan art images 
based on Archie Comics characters
with super-bitchin’ cameo appearances by Jeff Barry, 
Wolf Blitzer, Mario Canedo, Anderson Cooper,
Micah Diamond, Ben Maisani, Donna Marie, 
Dan Parent, Mick Patrick, Mike Pellerito, 
Laura Pinto, Chuck Tackett, 
Mark and Jon Trouten
and Nero the Dog 
Burlesque written, directed and staged by 
DC Hampton Jacobs

2020
Archie feels like recording with a group again. Veronica tells him about The Hypsterz, a hot new vocal group from Nashville; they’ve just signed with Republic International. He sits in on one of their rehearsals and falls hard for their four-part harmony! The group jumps at his invitation to sing on his new Country album. Save The Country! will feature songs originally popularized by ’60s supergroup The 5th Dimension. 

Cassidy, Malachi, Jesse Hipp and their Transsexual younger sister Grace are the teenage offspring of ‘80s Pop star Timothy Garland. Tim's an old friend/colleague of Archie, and he offers to write vocal arrangements for the album. "Let's write them together," Roni suggests, and he agrees.  When Tim remarks that Archie’s singing voice sounds strained, dude confides that he’s been having problems. The former Jewish cantor helps Arch improve his vocal technique; from now on, they’ll work together regularly.

Veronica wants to showcase the group as much as possible, so Arch sings harmony instead of melody on some of the LP cuts. Grace Hipp, the most talented vocalist in the group, takes the lead on “Wedding Bell Blues,” “Love’s Lines, Angles and Rhymes”, “One Less Bell To Answer” and “Last Night (I Didn’t Get To Sleep At All).” Certain 5th Dimension songs lend themselves to duet vocals, so the seventeen-year-old teams up with Archie for “Workin’ On A Groovy Thing,” “Save The Country” and the “Age of Aquarius” medley. 

They make such beautiful music together, she finds herself falling for him! “Isn’t he sexy?” she coos to her Gay brother Malachi. “You want him, too, don’t you? Hands off, b*tch! That man is mine.” Chi rolls his eyes. “You’re too young for him, Diva! Why don’t you pick on somebody your own age?” Grace isn’t so besotted that she doesn’t realize her performances on Save The Country! could be a ticket to stardom. During the sessions, she announces a name change: “Everybody says I’m a diva, so I’ll just go ahead and be one: Call me LaDiva Garland from now on!”

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PROMO FOR SAVE THE COUNTRY!
ARCHIE'S SOLO ALBUM OF 5th DIMENSION 
CLASSICS

LaDiva is ecstatic when her duets with Archie get glowing reviews, but her euphoria doesn’t last long: The album flops big-time. Not only have Republic International’s promotional efforts fallen far short of the mark, there are bootleg copies everywhere! What’s more, rumor has it that she and Archie are having a fling. Gushing over him in the music press, she all but confirms the rumor and alienates many Archies fans.  Timothy Garland knows better: “Every time I hear a silly claim like that about my daughter, I know she’s the one making it! When it comes to self-promotion, Grace has no shame at all; she’ll say anything for publicity’s sake.” 

However, LaDiva isn’t to blame this time. A vindictive Jason Blossom is the source of both the rumor and the bootlegs! Neither Timothy nor Archie suspect his involvement, but Arch is furious over the lack of promotion. The Hypsterz are also p*ssed at Republic: They enter into litigation with Jason over his refusal to release their début album. He tells an incredulous Roni that “it just isn’t commercial enough”. However, after the group breaks up and LaDiva Garland launches a successful solo career, he’ll change his mind about releasing Hyp Shaker and reap millions in sales! This, of course, will trigger another lawsuit from the Garland family.

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PROMO FOR "LAURA NYRO SONG MEDLEY", 
RECORDED BY ARCHIE AND LaDIVA GARLAND 
WITH THE HYPSTERZ ON BACKING VOCALS

Frustrated at producing great acts like The Hypsterz only to see them disappear down a black hole, Veronica severs her A & R relationship with Republic. She confronts Jason Blossom: “You’re so busy with that tone-deaf porn star you signed, you’re neglecting the real talent on your label! I can’t work with people who don’t have their sh*t together.” “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, b*tch”, Jason growls as she storms out of his office. “It takes one to know one, doesn’t it?” she counters, flashing him a middle finger salute! Roni hits the ground running, making up for lost time: She starts working as an independent producer and scores hits with several New Wave Hip-Hop artists. Meanwhile, Archie puts his solo career on hold again; he occupies himself with the impending opening of Riverdale Music Academy.

2021
An already semi-retired Olga San Quentín announces that she will no longer perform. With three Platinum ranchera albums hanging on their living room wall, Olguita and Reginald have certainly left their mark on Tejano music! They play a farewell concert in Guadalajara; Raj Patel’s wife Amisha films the SRO event, and Dilton Doiley Briseño produces a live recording. The resulting DVD album brings their Platinum Record tally up to four! 

Later in the year, Reginald launches his solo career, switching from sad ranchera ballads to spicy huapango dance tunes. His famous on-stage dance moves become more suggestive than ever; female audience members faint in droves when he shoves a microphone between his thighs and caresses the knob in rhythm! Antics like these, combined with exceptional singing ability will make Gino one of the most popular Latin entertainers in the world. 

Olga stays involved, writing a slew of new uptempo songs for the most famous of her two husbands. The former ballroom dance champion also founds a Latin dance company, Dulce de Fuego; its members are all transsexual men and women. “Even today, Transpeople experience terrible employment discrimination,” she tells Univision. “This makes no sense, because some of the most gifted people on the planet are Transgender. These dancers are certainly the best I’ve ever worked with! They’re so incredibly talented, it takes my breath away.” (This innocent statement will come back to haunt Gino.)

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OLGA SAN QUENTÍN'S ALL-TRANSSEXUAL 
DANCE TROUPE, DULCE de FUEGO

The Archies rate a Hall of Fame induction, but not from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (which will never recognize them).  Instead, the honor comes from the Latin Rock Hall of Fame, headquartered in Barcelona.  Their induction is largely due to the enduring popularity of their Éxitos en Español album; it continues to sell briskly in the Spanish-speaking world over a decade after its release.

 The members put aside their differences and agree to accept the honor together; however, scheduling conflicts prevent Betty, Veronica and Trevor from attending.  Archie, Jughead and Reggie (the founding members) fly to Spain for the induction ceremony; Dilton Doiley Briseño, co-producer of Éxitos en Español, accompanies them.  Dilton brings along his pachanga treatment of a Habanera Rock classic.  "This new arrangement kicks major ass!" Arch raves.  "After we sing it, they'll want to induct us all over again."  With Arch, Gino and Juggy sharing bilingual lead vocals, The Archies' performance of "A Little Bit Of Soap" rocks LRHOF to its foundations!  Then they segue into '60s Soul classic "Mustang Sally" and close with "Sugar, Sugar", which brings the capacity crowd to its feet.  A bootleg surfaces in Brazil soon afterwards; it's so popular, fans mistake it for The Archies' latest release!    


Dr. Clayborne Walker-Keller gets an offer to go into private practice with an old army buddy. The opportunity involves a move to Taos, New Mexico. Discussing the offer with Kelly, he decides: “Baby, I can’t disrupt your life like that. I won't take the offer; let’s not talk about it anymore.” Kevin Keller quotes the Book of Ruth from the Bible: "Whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge. Don’t argue with me, lover: We’re hauling ass to Taos!” 

Archie and Veronica throw a big farewell party for Kelly and Clay, and they depart Riverdale with a très naughty gift: A jumbo-size, double-headed dildo engraved with Roni's name! “Honey lambs, when you stretch your sugar walls with this love plug,” she writes in the enclosed note, “always think of me.” Betty gives birth to Forsythe Jerome Cooper, her second and last child with Anderson Cooper. Jughead agrees to be godfather, although the request from his ex-wife and her new husband is a bittersweet honor.

2022
Jughead marries up Reggae queen Toni Topaz in the Bahamas; Betty attends the wedding, as do Archie, Veronica, Kevin Keller, Jonniemae Trouten, Sabrina Spellman and Midge Mercury. (This is the last time the former members of The Bettys will all be together in one place.) Also in attendance is Juggy’s one-time stalker Ethel Muggs Mason (yep, that’s Big Ethel), who is Archie’s longtime private secretary. Her husband, Reverend Marmaduke Mason (that’s Big Moose) is the minister that conducts the ceremony. “When I marry somebody, they damn well better stay married!” the former Navy Seal growls after Juggy and Toni smooch. “Yes, sir!” they reply in unison, which makes everybody burst out laughing. “I’m not letting this prize fish off my line,” Toni promises. “Fish!” Juggy exclaims. “Isn’t there a kosher sushi buffet at the reception? Let’s go eat.” The newlyweds will split their time between homes in Ocho Rios, Jamaica and Toronto, Canada.

Olga San Quentín is hospitalized in El Paso for shortness of breath. Her spouses Reginald and Michael rush to her side. Gino wonders aloud if, at age 63, running a dance company isn’t too strenuous an activity for her? “Qué mierda hablas!” she retorts. “I feel fine now. Besides, all I do is choreograph the dances; I don’t perform them anymore. The only thing I love more than working with my dancers is writing songs and living with the two of you. I refuse to give up any of my loves.” 

Unbeknownst to her and Gino, Mike Pellerito may soon force the issue!  Archie Comics’ sexy prexy has begun a May/December affair with LaDiva Garland! As CEO of Archie Comics, Michael has had a business relationship with Archie for years; he visits the Mamaroneck office on a regular basis. Last year while showing Mike renovations to his recording studio, Arch introduced him to The Hypsterz. “Our lead singer isn’t here yet,” Chi Hipp explained. “As usual, Miss Thang is late!” “Here she comes now,” Cass interjected, looking out the window. Scowling, Jesse glanced at his cellphone clock. “Rehearsal delayed over an hour! Not for nothing did she name herself LaDiva.” The studio door swung open, and Michael caught his breath at a vision of teenage loveliness in quilted stretch pants and lavender cowboy boots. It was love at first sight! Mike could see that LaDiva had eyes for Archie, but he knew she was heading up a dead-end street. It took dude the better part of a year, but he finally got into those tacky stretch pants of hers!

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TONI TOPAZ, KEVIN KELLER AND RAJ PATEL 
HAVE HELLA FUN RE-CREATING A SCENE 
FROM MYRA BRECKINRIDGE

2023
Kevin Keller’s third album is a tribute to the Queen of Disco, Donna Summer. Upon learning of the forthcoming release, Mick Patrick is skeptical: “Metalheads will never tolerate Shred remakes of “On The Radio”, “She Works Hard For The Money” and “Last Dance”, he predicts. “It’s just too off-the-wall." Yet an off-the-wall recording (the album All Fired Up! featuring covers of Pat Benatar hits) is what launched the ex-US senator's music career. Kelly thinks he can make lightning strike twice! 

Hitmaker Pharrell Williams helmed his last album, but for My Baby Understands, he re-unites with Veronica, Jughead and Jonniemae Trouten, the team that worked on his début LP. They generate a sh*tload of album outtakes, all because Roni is such a perfectionist: Nothing less than the perfect song choice and a flawless live-in-studio performance will do! Relentlessly, she drives Kevin’s band musicians through take after grueling take. 

In the end, the track list mixes Disco classics like “MacArthur Park” and “Hot Stuff” with lesser-known gems like “Stop Me”, “Denver Dream”, “Black Lady”, the Bruce Springsteen-penned “Protection”, "Thinkin' Bout My Baby" and the Better-Shred-Than-Dead title track. Jonniemae channels Jimmy Page, flaying her axe with a violin bow and threatening to bring the Chapel of Rock’s roof crashing down with monster guitar chords! Not to be outdone, Juggy hauls a battery of Japanese taiko drums into the studio and rattles the foundation with their enormous booming sound. Veronica takes a page from her mentor Ralfi Chingas’ book: “Bring Nero to the next session,” she tells Jonniemae. Working closely with sound engineer Mark Trouten (Jonniemae's hubby), Roni mixes the poodle’s throaty growl into the rhythm tracks. “Egad!” Mick Patrick exclaims after spinning the new disc. “Phil Spector couldn’t have created a more massive wall of sound than this. Can Armaggedon be near?”

Kelly's new album duplicates the Double-Platinum success of his first; critics call My Baby Understands a novel but superb addition to the Heavy Metal canon. The chart-topping DVD single, “Stop Me”, features Toni Topaz on harmony vocals. For the filmed portion, Raj Patel asks her to portray a crazed dominatrix masquerading as a doctor. When he hands her a retractable strap-on dildo, she gasps: “WTF?” “Keep calm and just do what I tell you,” he smiles. “It’s gonna be slammin’, Toni! Literally.” 

Inspired by the scandalous 1970 film Myra Breckenridge, the ever-provocative Raj has Toni and Kevin to recreate its infamous “pegging” sequence. “Work that back, Toni!” he bellows during the video shoot. “F*ck, yeah! Ride his bubble butt like it’s a bucking bronco.” “Raj, you’re brilliant!” Toni exclaims, unbuckling the sex toy after he yells cut! “You’re the only director who could come up with something so cutting-edge.” “Actually, it was Veronica’s idea,” he admits. Kelly suppresses the urge to snicker; standing nearby, Roni gives him a knowing wink!

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ARCHIE COMICS PRESIDENT MIKE PELLERITO 
IS A FOOL FOR COUNTRY SINGER 
LaDIVA GARLAND!

2024
Mike Pellerito finally reveals his infidelity with LaDiva Garland. He informs his two common-law spouses that he’s no longer in love with them. Just as he’d predicted, LaDiva got nowhere flirting with Archie, who frustrated her every attempt to seduce him: “Cover up, little girl! You’ll catch your death of a chest cold, dressing so skimpy.” Michael would always be there to soothe her bruised ego. 

Flattery, combined with curiosity about Mike’s bulging crotch, drew her first into his arms and then his bed. “He isn’t a bad lover,” LaDiva confides to her siblings (“TMI!” they yell, clapping hands over their ears), “but what really rocks me is his belief in my talent. Not even Daddy has more confidence in me than Michael does.” Showing her appreciation, she introduces him to a special kind of lovemaking. Chained to the wall naked in her Nashville apartment, Mike finds bliss at the business end of LaDiva's bullwhip! 

BDSM role play with her is so intoxicating that before long, he’s a helpless love slave. At his teenage overseer's request, he leaves his position at Archie Comics to become her talent manager. Secretly, they start living together. When an outraged Timothy Garland finds out about them, he informs Archie and Veronica; Roni grabs her cellphone and dials up Gino and Olga in México City! The secret's out, but Michael doesn't care. After a year of sneaking around, he's tired of hiding his love in the closet: He wants to live openly with his transsexual Lolita.

Michael’s breakup with Olguita and Reginald is acrimonious; Olga accuses him of going “middle-age crazy for a jailbait jingling baby!” He moves out of their México City hacienda, leaving a huge void in their hearts. The former romantic triad agrees to share custody of his biological daughter Donna Marie; however, the little girl pitches a hissy fit whenever it’s time to go live with Daddy Mike. “LaDiva Garland is a b*tch-and-a-half, “ she complains. “And she’s conceited, too! All she cares about is clothes, hair extensions and logging face time on Twitter TV. She doesn’t love Michael; right in front of him, the skank flirts with other men! Do you think he’ll come to his senses before it’s too late?” 

Gino doesn’t think so, and he’s soon proven right. LaDiva will achieve fame as a Country singer after she follows Mike’s advice to go solo; but once she does, she’ll waste no time kicking him to the curb! The Taylor Swift wannabe becomes Jason Blossom’s latest dalliance, cutting into his time with several other female (and a few male) vocalists; a string of rich and famous ex-lovers lies in her future! 

Mike tries to reconcile with Olga and Gino, but it’s too late for that. "How could we ever trust you again?" they ask when he crawls back to them. "It's not like this was the first time. Hasta la vista, baby!"  However, Archie and Veronica take pity on the heartbroken former (???) sex slave: They hire him back.  Dude swears never to mix business with pleasure (and pain) again!

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RALFI CHINGAS, OLGA SAN QUENTÍN AND NERO THE DOG 
APPEAR IN A PROMO FOR THE ARCHIES' 
LONG-AWAITED NEW ALBUM

2025
Secretly, Jason Blossom has been bootlegging Archies product ever since taking control of Archie and Veronica’s label.  Now, he finally lifts his moratorium on official Archies reissues. He releases the two-disc Golden Sugar compilation, originally compiled by Ralfi Chingas and Nero the Dog back in 2015. It tops the charts for five weeks and goes Double-Platinum! 

 Simultaneously, a bootleg CD of The Archies’ unreleased Carole King demos appears on the market. Archie and Veronica had suspicions in the past, but there’s no doubt in their minds about who’s behind this latest unauthorized release! Nero has helped them acquire evidence by means of a camera concealed in his doggie Google glasses. (“The worst part,” he later tells Sabrina’s cat Salem,” was pretending to be a cute dumb mutt so Turd Blossom would let me get close to him. But I got the 411 on his lard ass: Dude’s been ripping off more artists than you can swing a dead cat at!”  "Watch your language!" Salem yowls.) Roni instructs her accountants to initiate a financial audit. In August, five members of The Archies sue Jason for non-payment of royalties, bootlegging and other contract breaches!

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AN ENRAGED VERONICA TAKES OUT 
AN ANTI-BOOTLEGGING AD 
IN BILLBOARD

Gino is hesitant; he’s more popular than ever, and he’s raking in money! “Who gives a sh*t about a few thousand dollars in illegitimate sales?” he shrugs. Dude’s been around: He got the 411 about “creative” record company accounting long ago. Reggie Mantle harbors no illusions about the shady practices of the music business; but he finally does join the lawsuit after Jason p*sses him off royally!  Against his wishes, Republic International markets his atrocious first album, Reggie Sings Elvis.  The long-lost master tape turned up in the Archie Records archives. 

Mick Patrick pronounces the unearthed collection of Presley song covers “suitable for Frisbee-throwing!” “Releasing that piece of mierda maligns my reputation as an artist,” a bitter Gino fumes to Univision. “Jason Blossom wants to make a quick buck. If it sabotages my career, so f*cking what? It shows what kind of an unscrupulous pendejo he is.” The huapango superstar also parts company with Discos Falcón at this time, the Republic subsidiary he’s been recording for since 2013. Jason countersues all concerned, and wins the first rounds in court. Litigation will drag on for several years.

2026
Trevor Smith becomes CEO of Esperanto Music. Jason Blossom divorces Bridget Reilly to date up international movie star Benazir Bhooty. (Bridget wins custody of their son Carlyle by threatening to expose Jason’s sexual perversions!) Benazir co-starred with Archie in the 2007 independent film Black Belt Smackdown! Rumor has it he cheated on Veronica with her, and this rumor figures into Jason wanting to bone her. He is insanely jealous of Archie and covets all his women! 

 At the same time he woos Benazir, the music mogul pursues a progressively kinky affair with Devon Sweetbottom: Their clandestine relationship began during promotion for Devon’s failed Country album. As a teenager, Jason lusted after both Devon and his then-boyfriend Kevin Keller, but was too closeted to act on his Bisexual feelings. At the military academy he and Kelly both attended after high school, he made drunken passes that were angrily rebuffed: “If you squeeze my nuts in the shower again, I’m gonna f*cking water-board your ass!"  It pleases Jay-B that Kelly's ex is eager to indulge his most depraved BDSM fantasies! 

Jason imagines the ideal arrangement: A hot porn star for his secret sex slave, and a beautiful movie star for his wife. Dude puts his game plan into effect! Benazir Bhooty doesn't hesitate to accept his marriage proposal; Jason isn't good-looking and she certainly doesn't love him, but the aging sexpot has always found money and power a strong aphrodisiac. What's more, marriage to a billionaire is sure to give her flagging film career a boost.

The splashy, paparazzi-besieged wedding takes place in Cannes, France, where the actress is promoting her cameo role in another independent film: Life’s A B*tch And Then You Die! Consummating the marriage in their hotel suite that night, Jason wants to know: “Am I better than Archie?” Benazir deftly avoids the question: “How can I compare you? He’s got a weenie between his legs. You’ve got a dragon!” Delighted to have his ample ego stroked, he roars with laughter. 

Using his huge endowment like a jackhammer, Jason brings his new bride to a gasping climax; but as soon as she drifts off to sleep, dude sneaks away from their conjugal bed. Ten minutes later, the skeezer is trysting in the moonlight with his porn slut! “Ain’t nothing better than drillin’ movie star p*ssy and then cornholin’ a dirty White country boy,” Jay-B leers, dropping his drawers to reveal dollar signs tattooed on his corpulent butt cheeks. “Assume the position, b*tch!” Humping Devon in a clump of bushes behind the hotel, the shameless sex pig all but dares to be discovered! No human eyes detect the adulterous pair; but peering out of the darkness, the sharp eyes of a vengeful poodle see every lustful thrust of Jason’s hips!

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THE RISE AND FALL OF 
JASON BLOSSOM