24 June 2014

Say Goodbye To Riverdale: Part Five

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Say Goodbye to Riverdale
Life’s A B*tch And Then You Die!
Cartoons + Castanets presents Part Five
of a bawdy cartoon burlesque starring
The Archies
Josie + The Pussy Cats
Sabrina the Sorceress
Toni Topaz     Jason Blossom     Kevin Keller
and other fan art images 
based on Archie Comics characters
with super-bitchin’ cameo appearances by Jeff Barry, 
Wolf Blitzer, Mario Canedo, Anderson Cooper,
Micah Diamond, Ben Maisani, Donna Marie, 
Dan Parent, Mick Patrick, Mike Pellerito, 
Laura Pinto, Chuck Tackett, 
Mark and Jon Trouten
and Nero the Dog 
Burlesque written, directed and staged by 
DC Hampton Jacobs

Archie feels like recording with a group again. Veronica tells him about The Hypsterz, a hot new vocal group from Nashville; they’ve just signed with Republic International. He sits in on one of their rehearsals and falls hard for their four-part harmony! The group jumps at his invitation to sing on his new Country album. Save The Country! will feature songs originally popularized by ’60s supergroup The 5th Dimension. 

Cassidy, Malachi, Jesse Hipp and their Transsexual younger sister Grace are the teenage offspring of ‘80s Pop star Timothy Garland. Tim's an old friend/colleague of Archie, and he offers to write vocal arrangements for the album. "Let's write them together," Roni suggests, and he agrees.  When Tim remarks that Archie’s singing voice sounds strained, dude confides that he’s been having problems. The former Jewish cantor helps Arch improve his vocal technique; from now on, they’ll work together regularly.

Veronica wants to showcase the group as much as possible, so Arch sings harmony instead of melody on some of the LP cuts. Grace Hipp, the most talented vocalist in the group, takes the lead on “Wedding Bell Blues,” “Love’s Lines, Angles and Rhymes”, “One Less Bell To Answer” and “Last Night (I Didn’t Get To Sleep At All).” Certain 5th Dimension songs lend themselves to duet vocals, so the seventeen-year-old teams up with Archie for “Workin’ On A Groovy Thing,” “Save The Country” and the “Age of Aquarius” medley. 

They make such beautiful music together, she finds herself falling for him! “Isn’t he sexy?” she coos to her Gay brother Malachi. “You want him, too, don’t you? Hands off, b*tch! That man is mine.” Chi rolls his eyes. “You’re too young for him, Diva! Why don’t you pick on somebody your own age?” Grace isn’t so besotted that she doesn’t realize her performances on Save The Country! could be a ticket to stardom. During the sessions, she announces a name change: “Everybody says I’m a diva, so I’ll just go ahead and be one: Call me LaDiva Garland from now on!”



LaDiva is ecstatic when her duets with Archie get glowing reviews, but her euphoria doesn’t last long: The album flops big-time. Not only have Republic International’s promotional efforts fallen far short of the mark, there are bootleg copies everywhere! What’s more, rumor has it that she and Archie are having a fling. Gushing over him in the music press, she all but confirms the rumor and alienates many Archies fans.  Timothy Garland knows better: “Every time I hear a silly claim like that about my daughter, I know she’s the one making it! When it comes to self-promotion, Grace has no shame at all; she’ll say anything for publicity’s sake.” 

However, LaDiva isn’t to blame this time. A vindictive Jason Blossom is the source of both the rumor and the bootlegs! Neither Timothy nor Archie suspect his involvement, but Arch is furious over the lack of promotion. The Hypsterz are also p*ssed at Republic: They enter into litigation with Jason over his refusal to release their début album. He tells an incredulous Roni that “it just isn’t commercial enough”. However, after the group breaks up and LaDiva Garland launches a successful solo career, he’ll change his mind about releasing Hyp Shaker and reap millions in sales! This, of course, will trigger another lawsuit from the Garland family.



Frustrated at producing great acts like The Hypsterz only to see them disappear down a black hole, Veronica severs her A & R relationship with Republic. She confronts Jason Blossom: “You’re so busy with that tone-deaf porn star you signed, you’re neglecting the real talent on your label! I can’t work with people who don’t have their sh*t together.” “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, b*tch”, Jason growls as she storms out of his office. “It takes one to know one, doesn’t it?” she counters, flashing him a middle finger salute! Roni hits the ground running, making up for lost time: She starts working as an independent producer and scores hits with several New Wave Hip-Hop artists. Meanwhile, Archie puts his solo career on hold again; he occupies himself with the impending opening of Riverdale Music Academy.

An already semi-retired Olga San Quentín announces that she will no longer perform. With three Platinum ranchera albums hanging on their living room wall, Olguita and Reginald have certainly left their mark on Tejano music! They play a farewell concert in Guadalajara; Raj Patel’s wife Amisha films the SRO event, and Dilton Doiley Briseño produces a live recording. The resulting DVD album brings their Platinum Record tally up to four! 

Later in the year, Reginald launches his solo career, switching from sad ranchera ballads to spicy huapango dance tunes. His famous on-stage dance moves become more suggestive than ever; female audience members faint in droves when he shoves a microphone between his thighs and caresses the knob in rhythm! Antics like these, combined with exceptional singing ability will make Gino one of the most popular Latin entertainers in the world. 

Olga stays involved, writing a slew of new uptempo songs for the most famous of her two husbands. The former ballroom dance champion also founds a Latin dance company, Dulce de Fuego; its members are all transsexual men and women. “Even today, Transpeople experience terrible employment discrimination,” she tells Univision. “This makes no sense, because some of the most gifted people on the planet are Transgender. These dancers are certainly the best I’ve ever worked with! They’re so incredibly talented, it takes my breath away.” (This innocent statement will come back to haunt Gino.)



The Archies rate a Hall of Fame induction, but not from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (which will never recognize them).  Instead, the honor comes from the Latin Rock Hall of Fame, headquartered in Barcelona.  Their induction is largely due to the enduring popularity of their Éxitos en Español album; it continues to sell briskly in the Spanish-speaking world over a decade after its release.

 The members put aside their differences and agree to accept the honor together; however, scheduling conflicts prevent Betty, Veronica and Trevor from attending.  Archie, Jughead and Reggie (the founding members) fly to Spain for the induction ceremony; Dilton Doiley Briseño, co-producer of Éxitos en Español, accompanies them.  Dilton brings along his pachanga treatment of a Habanera Rock classic.  "This new arrangement kicks major ass!" Arch raves.  "After we sing it, they'll want to induct us all over again."  With Arch, Gino and Juggy sharing bilingual lead vocals, The Archies' performance of "A Little Bit Of Soap" rocks LRHOF to its foundations!  Then they segue into '60s Soul classic "Mustang Sally" and close with "Sugar, Sugar", which brings the capacity crowd to its feet.  A bootleg surfaces in Brazil soon afterwards; it's so popular, fans mistake it for The Archies' latest release!    

Dr. Clayborne Walker-Keller gets an offer to go into private practice with an old army buddy. The opportunity involves a move to Taos, New Mexico. Discussing the offer with Kelly, he decides: “Baby, I can’t disrupt your life like that. I won't take the offer; let’s not talk about it anymore.” Kevin Keller quotes the Book of Ruth from the Bible: "Whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge. Don’t argue with me, lover: We’re hauling ass to Taos!” 

Archie and Veronica throw a big farewell party for Kelly and Clay, and they depart Riverdale with a très naughty gift: A jumbo-size, double-headed dildo engraved with Roni's name! “Honey lambs, when you stretch your sugar walls with this love plug,” she writes in the enclosed note, “always think of me.” Betty gives birth to Forsythe Jerome Cooper, her second and last child with Anderson Cooper. Jughead agrees to be godfather, although the request from his ex-wife and her new husband is a bittersweet honor.

Jughead marries up Reggae queen Toni Topaz in the Bahamas; Betty attends the wedding, as do Archie, Veronica, Kevin Keller, Jonniemae Trouten, Sabrina Spellman and Midge Mercury. (This is the last time the former members of The Bettys will all be together in one place.) Also in attendance is Juggy’s one-time stalker Ethel Muggs Mason (yep, that’s Big Ethel), who is Archie’s longtime private secretary. Her husband, Reverend Marmaduke Mason (that’s Big Moose) is the minister that conducts the ceremony. “When I marry somebody, they damn well better stay married!” the former Navy Seal growls after Juggy and Toni smooch. “Yes, sir!” they reply in unison, which makes everybody burst out laughing. “I’m not letting this prize fish off my line,” Toni promises. “Fish!” Juggy exclaims. “Isn’t there a kosher sushi buffet at the reception? Let’s go eat.” The newlyweds will split their time between homes in Ocho Rios, Jamaica and Toronto, Canada.

Olga San Quentín is hospitalized in El Paso for shortness of breath. Her spouses Reginald and Michael rush to her side. Gino wonders aloud if, at age 63, running a dance company isn’t too strenuous an activity for her? “Qué mierda hablas!” she retorts. “I feel fine now. Besides, all I do is choreograph the dances; I don’t perform them anymore. The only thing I love more than working with my dancers is writing songs and living with the two of you. I refuse to give up any of my loves.” 

Unbeknownst to her and Gino, Mike Pellerito may soon force the issue!  Archie Comics’ sexy prexy has begun a May/December affair with LaDiva Garland! As CEO of Archie Comics, Michael has had a business relationship with Archie for years; he visits the Mamaroneck office on a regular basis. Last year while showing Mike renovations to his recording studio, Arch introduced him to The Hypsterz. “Our lead singer isn’t here yet,” Chi Hipp explained. “As usual, Miss Thang is late!” “Here she comes now,” Cass interjected, looking out the window. Scowling, Jesse glanced at his cellphone clock. “Rehearsal delayed over an hour! Not for nothing did she name herself LaDiva.” The studio door swung open, and Michael caught his breath at a vision of teenage loveliness in quilted stretch pants and lavender cowboy boots. It was love at first sight! Mike could see that LaDiva had eyes for Archie, but he knew she was heading up a dead-end street. It took dude the better part of a year, but he finally got into those tacky stretch pants of hers!



Kevin Keller’s third album is a tribute to the Queen of Disco, Donna Summer. Upon learning of the forthcoming release, Mick Patrick is skeptical: “Metalheads will never tolerate Shred remakes of “On The Radio”, “She Works Hard For The Money” and “Last Dance”, he predicts. “It’s just too off-the-wall." Yet an off-the-wall recording (the album All Fired Up! featuring covers of Pat Benatar hits) is what launched the ex-US senator's music career. Kelly thinks he can make lightning strike twice! 

Hitmaker Pharrell Williams helmed his last album, but for My Baby Understands, he re-unites with Veronica, Jughead and Jonniemae Trouten, the team that worked on his début LP. They generate a sh*tload of album outtakes, all because Roni is such a perfectionist: Nothing less than the perfect song choice and a flawless live-in-studio performance will do! Relentlessly, she drives Kevin’s band musicians through take after grueling take. 

In the end, the track list mixes Disco classics like “MacArthur Park” and “Hot Stuff” with lesser-known gems like “Stop Me”, “Denver Dream”, “Black Lady”, the Bruce Springsteen-penned “Protection”, "Thinkin' Bout My Baby" and the Better-Shred-Than-Dead title track. Jonniemae channels Jimmy Page, flaying her axe with a violin bow and threatening to bring the Chapel of Rock’s roof crashing down with monster guitar chords! Not to be outdone, Juggy hauls a battery of Japanese taiko drums into the studio and rattles the foundation with their enormous booming sound. Veronica takes a page from her mentor Ralfi Chingas’ book: “Bring Nero to the next session,” she tells Jonniemae. Working closely with sound engineer Mark Trouten (Jonniemae's hubby), Roni mixes the poodle’s throaty growl into the rhythm tracks. “Egad!” Mick Patrick exclaims after spinning the new disc. “Phil Spector couldn’t have created a more massive wall of sound than this. Can Armaggedon be near?”

Kelly's new album duplicates the Double-Platinum success of his first; critics call My Baby Understands a novel but superb addition to the Heavy Metal canon. The chart-topping DVD single, “Stop Me”, features Toni Topaz on harmony vocals. For the filmed portion, Raj Patel asks her to portray a crazed dominatrix masquerading as a doctor. When he hands her a retractable strap-on dildo, she gasps: “WTF?” “Keep calm and just do what I tell you,” he smiles. “It’s gonna be slammin’, Toni! Literally.” 

Inspired by the scandalous 1970 film Myra Breckenridge, the ever-provocative Raj has Toni and Kevin to recreate its infamous “pegging” sequence. “Work that back, Toni!” he bellows during the video shoot. “F*ck, yeah! Ride his bubble butt like it’s a bucking bronco.” “Raj, you’re brilliant!” Toni exclaims, unbuckling the sex toy after he yells cut! “You’re the only director who could come up with something so cutting-edge.” “Actually, it was Veronica’s idea,” he admits. Kelly suppresses the urge to snicker; standing nearby, Roni gives him a knowing wink!

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Mike Pellerito finally reveals his infidelity with LaDiva Garland. He informs his two common-law spouses that he’s no longer in love with them. Just as he’d predicted, LaDiva got nowhere flirting with Archie, who frustrated her every attempt to seduce him: “Cover up, little girl! You’ll catch your death of a chest cold, dressing so skimpy.” Michael would always be there to soothe her bruised ego. 

Flattery, combined with curiosity about Mike’s bulging crotch, drew her first into his arms and then his bed. “He isn’t a bad lover,” LaDiva confides to her siblings (“TMI!” they yell, clapping hands over their ears), “but what really rocks me is his belief in my talent. Not even Daddy has more confidence in me than Michael does.” Showing her appreciation, she introduces him to a special kind of lovemaking. Chained to the wall naked in her Nashville apartment, Mike finds bliss at the business end of LaDiva's bullwhip! 

BDSM role play with her is so intoxicating that before long, he’s a helpless love slave. At his teenage overseer's request, he leaves his position at Archie Comics to become her talent manager. Secretly, they start living together. When an outraged Timothy Garland finds out about them, he informs Archie and Veronica; Roni grabs her cellphone and dials up Gino and Olga in México City! The secret's out, but Michael doesn't care. After a year of sneaking around, he's tired of hiding his love in the closet: He wants to live openly with his transsexual Lolita.

Michael’s breakup with Olguita and Reginald is acrimonious; Olga accuses him of going “middle-age crazy for a jailbait jingling baby!” He moves out of their México City hacienda, leaving a huge void in their hearts. The former romantic triad agrees to share custody of his biological daughter Donna Marie; however, the little girl pitches a hissy fit whenever it’s time to go live with Daddy Mike. “LaDiva Garland is a b*tch-and-a-half, “ she complains. “And she’s conceited, too! All she cares about is clothes, hair extensions and logging face time on Twitter TV. She doesn’t love Michael; right in front of him, the skank flirts with other men! Do you think he’ll come to his senses before it’s too late?” 

Gino doesn’t think so, and he’s soon proven right. LaDiva will achieve fame as a Country singer after she follows Mike’s advice to go solo; but once she does, she’ll waste no time kicking him to the curb! The Taylor Swift wannabe becomes Jason Blossom’s latest dalliance, cutting into his time with several other female (and a few male) vocalists; a string of rich and famous ex-lovers lies in her future! 

Mike tries to reconcile with Olga and Gino, but it’s too late for that. "How could we ever trust you again?" they ask when he crawls back to them. "It's not like this was the first time. Hasta la vista, baby!"  However, Archie and Veronica take pity on the heartbroken former (???) sex slave: They hire him back.  Dude swears never to mix business with pleasure (and pain) again!

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Secretly, Jason Blossom has been bootlegging Archies product ever since taking control of Archie and Veronica’s label.  Now, he finally lifts his moratorium on official Archies reissues. He releases the two-disc Golden Sugar compilation, originally compiled by Ralfi Chingas and Nero the Dog back in 2015. It tops the charts for five weeks and goes Double-Platinum! 

 Simultaneously, a bootleg CD of The Archies’ unreleased Carole King demos appears on the market. Archie and Veronica had suspicions in the past, but there’s no doubt in their minds about who’s behind this latest unauthorized release! Nero has helped them acquire evidence by means of a camera concealed in his doggie Google glasses. (“The worst part,” he later tells Sabrina’s cat Salem,” was pretending to be a cute dumb mutt so Turd Blossom would let me get close to him. But I got the 411 on his lard ass: Dude’s been ripping off more artists than you can swing a dead cat at!”  "Watch your language!" Salem yowls.) Roni instructs her accountants to initiate a financial audit. In August, five members of The Archies sue Jason for non-payment of royalties, bootlegging and other contract breaches!



Gino is hesitant; he’s more popular than ever, and he’s raking in money! “Who gives a sh*t about a few thousand dollars in illegitimate sales?” he shrugs. Dude’s been around: He got the 411 about “creative” record company accounting long ago. Reggie Mantle harbors no illusions about the shady practices of the music business; but he finally does join the lawsuit after Jason p*sses him off royally!  Against his wishes, Republic International markets his atrocious first album, Reggie Sings Elvis.  The long-lost master tape turned up in the Archie Records archives. 

Mick Patrick pronounces the unearthed collection of Presley song covers “suitable for Frisbee-throwing!” “Releasing that piece of mierda maligns my reputation as an artist,” a bitter Gino fumes to Univision. “Jason Blossom wants to make a quick buck. If it sabotages my career, so f*cking what? It shows what kind of an unscrupulous pendejo he is.” The huapango superstar also parts company with Discos Falcón at this time, the Republic subsidiary he’s been recording for since 2013. Jason countersues all concerned, and wins the first rounds in court. Litigation will drag on for several years.

Trevor Smith becomes CEO of Esperanto Music. Jason Blossom divorces Bridget Reilly to date up international movie star Benazir Bhooty. (Bridget wins custody of their son Carlyle by threatening to expose Jason’s sexual perversions!) Benazir co-starred with Archie in the 2007 independent film Black Belt Smackdown! Rumor has it he cheated on Veronica with her, and this rumor figures into Jason wanting to bone her. He is insanely jealous of Archie and covets all his women! 

 At the same time he woos Benazir, the music mogul pursues a progressively kinky affair with Devon Sweetbottom: Their clandestine relationship began during promotion for Devon’s failed Country album. As a teenager, Jason lusted after both Devon and his then-boyfriend Kevin Keller, but was too closeted to act on his Bisexual feelings. At the military academy he and Kelly both attended after high school, he made drunken passes that were angrily rebuffed: “If you squeeze my nuts in the shower again, I’m gonna f*cking water-board your ass!"  It pleases Jay-B that Kelly's ex is eager to indulge his most depraved BDSM fantasies! 

Jason imagines the ideal arrangement: A hot porn star for his secret sex slave, and a beautiful movie star for his wife. Dude puts his game plan into effect! Benazir Bhooty doesn't hesitate to accept his marriage proposal; Jason isn't good-looking and she certainly doesn't love him, but the aging sexpot has always found money and power a strong aphrodisiac. What's more, marriage to a billionaire is sure to give her flagging film career a boost.

The splashy, paparazzi-besieged wedding takes place in Cannes, France, where the actress is promoting her cameo role in another independent film: Life’s A B*tch And Then You Die! Consummating the marriage in their hotel suite that night, Jason wants to know: “Am I better than Archie?” Benazir deftly avoids the question: “How can I compare you? He’s got a weenie between his legs. You’ve got a dragon!” Delighted to have his ample ego stroked, he roars with laughter. 

Using his huge endowment like a jackhammer, Jason brings his new bride to a gasping climax; but as soon as she drifts off to sleep, dude sneaks away from their conjugal bed. Ten minutes later, the skeezer is trysting in the moonlight with his porn slut! “Ain’t nothing better than drillin’ movie star p*ssy and then cornholin’ a dirty White country boy,” Jay-B leers, dropping his drawers to reveal dollar signs tattooed on his corpulent butt cheeks. “Assume the position, b*tch!” Humping Devon in a clump of bushes behind the hotel, the shameless sex pig all but dares to be discovered! No human eyes detect the adulterous pair; but peering out of the darkness, the sharp eyes of a vengeful poodle see every lustful thrust of Jason’s hips!

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